0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:21 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Hello!
0:00:33 > 0:00:36And welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?
0:00:36 > 0:00:40I tell you what, Bill Turnbull knows how to make a woman feel good.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42- I'm so old.- I know.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49It gets worse. I think he's going to kill her.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53- I'm getting the gloves on. - I'm a bit alarmed.- Yeah!
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Nick Owen wins my award for Most Animated Eyebrows of the Week.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07The hip-hop crews have been perfecting their routines
0:01:07 > 0:01:09ahead of the breaking convention...
0:01:10 > 0:01:15Over on BBC Breakfast, Giles Coren described his oral sex technique.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17GOBBLING
0:01:17 > 0:01:21Here's a tip, if you're going to pose as a superhero,
0:01:21 > 0:01:24make sure there's not a kid behind you.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Katie Fawcett is at a school in Hull.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31Morning, Gethin! Where's your costume?
0:01:35 > 0:01:39So, what's been happening? Well, Jesus Christ, it's been hot.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41- Scorching temperatures. - Slap on that sunscreen.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44- Wall-to-wall sunshine. - 82F.- A scorcher.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46It's barbecue weather and it's very dangerous.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I love it when it's hot. Do you know what I love most?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56The reaction of British men.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- YORKSHIRE ACCENT: - "I don't need sun cream.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01"Bring it on!"
0:02:01 > 0:02:06Four hours later - "Sandra, can you help me?!
0:02:06 > 0:02:09"A-ah!
0:02:09 > 0:02:12"I look like a pork scratching.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16"I think one of the lads has put something on me back."
0:02:20 > 0:02:22So, how did the BBC convey the heat?
0:02:22 > 0:02:26Did they show kids swimming? Sunbathers in the park?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28No, they showed this.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31But for most, the sunshine has been welcome.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34A lion licking a lolly?!
0:02:35 > 0:02:38I've watched many wildlife documentaries.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40I have never once seen a lion with a Calippo.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45"What's wrong with you?" "Ice-cream headache."
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Mind you, if they get a taste for lollies,
0:02:49 > 0:02:51it'll change nature shows.
0:02:51 > 0:02:56IMITATES DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Here we see the mighty lion, basking in the Serengeti sun.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59ICE CREAM VAN CHIMES
0:03:04 > 0:03:07My favourite thing to do in the sun? Get down the beach.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Sometimes you see stuff that makes you go, "Damn."
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Sometimes you see stuff that makes you go, "No!"
0:03:18 > 0:03:23And sometimes you see things that make you go, "What?!"
0:03:39 > 0:03:42What else? Well, it was the Eurovision this week.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Britain's entrant was Engelbert Humperdinck.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46This guy had high hopes.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49He's my neighbour, he lives just up the lane from me.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53I taught him all he knows. And he was fantastic! Come on, Enge!
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Come on! You're going to win!
0:03:55 > 0:03:59You're going to win, man! Come o-n-n-n-n-n!
0:04:01 > 0:04:03How did he get on?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Veteran crooner Engelbert Humperdinck came second from last.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Eh-eh!
0:04:08 > 0:04:12It's such a weird name, innit? Engelbert Humperdinck.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15It sounds like something Harry Potter shouts when he comes.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19"Sorry, Hermione, I've humperdincked all over your broom."
0:04:21 > 0:04:25As ever with the Eurovision, there were some quality nutters.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Lithuania's song was called Love Is Blind.
0:04:27 > 0:04:32So, what did the singer put on his face so we could understand his complex lyrics?
0:04:32 > 0:04:35# Love is blind... #
0:04:35 > 0:04:39If he does that for Love Is Blind, it's a good job he wasn't singing Sex On Fire.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45"Argh! I've burnt my Humperdinck!"
0:04:50 > 0:04:55It gets weirder. Macedonia appeared to be obsessed with this lady.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Kay Burley.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59You think I'm joking. Listen to this.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03SOUNDS LIKE: # No, no, Kay Burley I love Kay Burley. #
0:05:05 > 0:05:10# No, no, Kay Burley I love Kay Burley-eeh. #.
0:05:10 > 0:05:15# Chillax, Kay Burley I like Bill Turnbull! #
0:05:15 > 0:05:17- I am so old!- I know.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Jedward caused a stir by jumping in a fountain.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25- # This is bound to go down as the big one. #- Jedward.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28That water was powerful stuff. Look what it did to them.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32- Whatever we do.- We always...
0:05:32 > 0:05:36My favourite contestants were definitely these ladies.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38One of the most popular acts of the evening
0:05:38 > 0:05:40were the group nicknamed "The Russian Grannies".
0:05:40 > 0:05:44They had a combined age of 484.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Between you and me, I think someone spiked their Horlicks.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49# Everybody dance
0:05:49 > 0:05:52# Come on and dance
0:05:52 > 0:05:54# Come on and dance
0:05:54 > 0:05:57# Come on and party for everybody, dance
0:05:57 > 0:06:00# Come on and dance... #
0:06:01 > 0:06:04THAT came second!
0:06:06 > 0:06:07CHEERING
0:06:07 > 0:06:08It's amazing.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15They're not even singing, they're just making biscuits in a rave!
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Mind you, the old lady in the middle is brilliant.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21She doesn't want to go on tour. Check out the reason why.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24TRANSLATION: If I'm away, who's going to milk the cow?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28In sporting news, it's getting closer.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31It's only 60 days to go until the Olympics.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34One of the big talking points is, of course, the opening ceremony.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35In Beijing, they had this...
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Wow!
0:06:45 > 0:06:46So what are we going to have?
0:06:46 > 0:06:51London's will involve schoolchildren, NHS nurses, some fake rain,
0:06:51 > 0:06:55a nod to British pop culture and a giant bell.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58Yay.
0:06:59 > 0:07:04Nurses, rain and a giant bell?!
0:07:04 > 0:07:06That's not an opening ceremony,
0:07:06 > 0:07:09that sounds like one of my brother's pornos.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11I've said it before, I'll say it again.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Here is what the opening ceremony should be,
0:07:13 > 0:07:16we simply pump this man full of acid and watch him!
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Look at him!
0:07:23 > 0:07:26That's an opening ceremony we'd all watch, right, Lamb?
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Yeah.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Amazing scenes in the Olympic Stadium,
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Boris Johnson is off his tits.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36He's just eaten the Olympic Bell.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38What is that he's saying?
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Engelbert Humper... Oh, no!
0:07:42 > 0:07:45It has gone everywhere, Boris!
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Whatever the opening ceremony is, I can't wait.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50I've got tickets for the gymnastics.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53I'm not interested in pirouettes, I'm going for moments like this...
0:07:57 > 0:08:02Let's be honest, there is something truly magical about a cock-up.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04Hold your marks.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10But, if there are any athletes watching, remember,
0:08:10 > 0:08:13if you do make a mistake, it's all about the recovery.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Elsewhere, sad news about a TV legend.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38# To explain the story! It's Kay Burley.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41The inventor of the zapper, the doofer, the turner-overer,
0:08:41 > 0:08:45or the television remote control, has died at the age of 96.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49Apparently, they're going to bury him down the back of the sofa!
0:08:56 > 0:08:59I heard that the doctors tried to resuscitate him
0:08:59 > 0:09:04by taking his batteries out, blowing on them and putting them back in.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06I should not take the piss, the guy is a legend.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Thanks to him, I can switch off shit like this...
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Shut up!
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Fuck off!
0:09:15 > 0:09:17What is strange about the TV remote,
0:09:17 > 0:09:20everyone has a different name for it,
0:09:20 > 0:09:24my mum has the weirdest, you know what she calls it? "The Dong."
0:09:24 > 0:09:26We are used to it, so it doesn't bother us,
0:09:26 > 0:09:29but when we have a guest, it is hilarious.
0:09:29 > 0:09:34You should have seen the look of fear in my mate's eyes
0:09:34 > 0:09:38when she said, "Here, Steve, give me the Dong."
0:09:41 > 0:09:46Mind you, should have seen the look of fear on her face when he did!
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Next up, meet the world's oldest gamer. She's incredible.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51I am Kit Connell
0:09:51 > 0:09:54and I am just 100 years old.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56I don't feel a day over 80.
0:09:56 > 0:10:03I try to keep my brain active by playing on my Nintendo.
0:10:03 > 0:10:08She's great, isn't she? Well done, give her a round of applause.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12Amazing. It gets lovelier. They covered the story in The Sun.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Check out the first post on their message board.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21How lovely is that? Wouldn't it be great if she said,
0:10:21 > 0:10:24"No thanks, love, I'm a Pro Evo girl."
0:10:24 > 0:10:27"FIFA is for dicks."
0:10:28 > 0:10:31She's great. The only person who can play Call Of Duty and go,
0:10:31 > 0:10:34"Oh! I remember that.
0:10:34 > 0:10:39"See that building? That's where I met your grandad.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43"He had a lovely Humperdinck."
0:10:45 > 0:10:49It makes you think, though. If pensioners play computer games,
0:10:49 > 0:10:51we should design one just for them.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56MUSIC: "Bodies" by Drowning Pool
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Take that!
0:10:57 > 0:11:00LAUGHS MANICALLY
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Eat shit and die!
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Gran Theft Auto!
0:11:11 > 0:11:14From one bad-ass to another. Check out this headline.
0:11:22 > 0:11:27"You picked the wrong Nissan Micra, shithead.
0:11:27 > 0:11:32"I'm so tough, Werthers chew me."
0:11:32 > 0:11:36You see so many stories about grannies fighting crime,
0:11:36 > 0:11:39makes you think, maybe the police should employ them.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40I ain't saying nothing.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Oh, really? Bring out the Enforcer.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51I understand you won't confess.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52Jog on, grandma!
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Who are you calling grandma?
0:11:56 > 0:11:58You fucking...
0:11:58 > 0:12:01- Confess!- I did it! I did it!
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Nice work, Enforcer.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Fuck you!
0:12:11 > 0:12:16What else? Well, huge news for ladies!
0:12:16 > 0:12:20It's been the topic of both heartfelt and heated conversations,
0:12:20 > 0:12:22the so-called G-spot.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Dr Adam Ostrzenski, a Florida gynaecologist, claims it is real,
0:12:26 > 0:12:27and that he has found it.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Woo!
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Sounds like someone else has found it too!
0:12:36 > 0:12:39The female G-spot, which promises orgasm upon orgasm,
0:12:39 > 0:12:42has been discovered by a doctor in Florida.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Basically, it's the orgasm equivalent of Pringles -
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Once you pop, you cannot stop.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51But before you get excited, ladies,
0:12:51 > 0:12:53look where he found it.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02What the fuck is wrong with that doctor?!
0:13:02 > 0:13:05She's dead, she's not a wrinkly sex doll!
0:13:05 > 0:13:09I mean who, looks for the G-spot on an 83-year-old woman?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11I'm getting the gloves on!
0:13:18 > 0:13:22That woman's funeral will be fantastic!
0:13:23 > 0:13:27I can't believe she's gone.
0:13:27 > 0:13:28Nan?!
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Over to Japan and a bloke with a very strange hobby.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39In the suburbs of Tokyo,
0:13:39 > 0:13:42those who don't believe man evolved from apes
0:13:42 > 0:13:45might find the proof they need.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47This man is so obsessed with monkeys,
0:13:47 > 0:13:50he has mastered their running style.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54He pretends to be a monkey.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Let's hope he doesn't drink like them.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05If any of you are thinking about learning to run like an ape,
0:14:05 > 0:14:08here's a tip, don't practise in the woods.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10I went in the mountains for a month
0:14:10 > 0:14:12on a kind of four-legged training camp
0:14:12 > 0:14:15but on the first day, a hunter mistook me for a wild boar
0:14:15 > 0:14:16and he tried to shoot me.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19It's probably his dad.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22"Why can't you get a proper job?!
0:14:22 > 0:14:27"Your sister's a lawyer, you're pretending to be a gibbon!"
0:14:27 > 0:14:30It isn't just monkeys. Look what else this lunatic does.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32When he's not monkeying around,
0:14:32 > 0:14:36he practises the running style of other four-legged creatures.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42In fairness, we've all pretended to be a dog.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45No-o-o!
0:14:45 > 0:14:47No-o-o!
0:14:47 > 0:14:50APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:14:52 > 0:14:54I don't know about you
0:14:54 > 0:14:58but I'd say that's the best sketch I've ever done. Right, lamb?
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Yeaaaah!
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Some great crime stories in the news.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Have you seen the way they're trying to protect shops in Nottingham?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12A number of stores have seen break-ins
0:15:12 > 0:15:15but intruders now have something new to fear.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19So, what are they using? Lasers? Armed guards?
0:15:19 > 0:15:20Oh, no.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23If someone were to break into this property here,
0:15:23 > 0:15:25then the fog would come out of it
0:15:25 > 0:15:27and it would fill the room with fog.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31A fucking fog machine!
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Behold its mighty power!
0:15:34 > 0:15:38This is what intruders would face.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40No!
0:15:42 > 0:15:44It's so misty!
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Quick, before they release the drizzle!
0:15:49 > 0:15:53I tell you what, this is going to change police line-ups.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55- Just take your time.- OK.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57It was him! The one in the middle.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02From fog to filth.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05A policeman in America has been touching himself on the job.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09He was supposed to be supervising other officers in the field
0:16:09 > 0:16:12but our 4 On Your Side team has obtained some video
0:16:12 > 0:16:16that shows the Santa Fe police sergeant sitting in his vehicle
0:16:16 > 0:16:19having a very graphic sexual conversation with himself.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26Well, that is the poshest description of a wank ever.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27"What are you doing?"
0:16:27 > 0:16:31"Mother, please, I'm having a sexual conversation with myself.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33"Watch out, I'm about to punctuate.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36"Oh! Semi-colon."
0:16:38 > 0:16:42It's just great, this story. This pervy policeman left his radio on
0:16:42 > 0:16:47so all of the other coppers back at the station heard this...
0:16:47 > 0:16:53First you hear moans, then the unmistakable sound of a zipper.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Busted!
0:16:55 > 0:16:57I bet they destroyed him.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00"All right, Dave? Heard you got your truncheon out." "Fuck off!"
0:17:00 > 0:17:04It gets worse. Apparently, he was watching porn on his phone
0:17:04 > 0:17:08and judging by this recording, he was clearly enjoying it.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Here is a sample of what he is saying.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17I tell you what, the woman he was watching was livid.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Ain't nobody got time for that!
0:17:18 > 0:17:20CHEERING
0:17:20 > 0:17:21She was livid!
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Now, from one insane crime story to another.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33If you think you get a bit angry when you're driving,
0:17:33 > 0:17:35you have got nothing on this.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39It can be a real struggle to find parking in San Francisco
0:17:39 > 0:17:43but police tonight say one driver bit another over a particular spot.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45She bit a woman
0:17:45 > 0:17:48over a parking space.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Ain't nobody got time for that!
0:17:50 > 0:17:53APPLAUSE, CHEERING
0:18:02 > 0:18:07LAUGHTER
0:18:07 > 0:18:10It gets better...
0:18:10 > 0:18:16This has to be the greatest reaction ever to being bitten.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18I don't know, why she would bite me?
0:18:18 > 0:18:21I wouldn't understand why anyone would bite anyone,
0:18:21 > 0:18:22unless you were hungry.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24APPLAUSE
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Now it's time for my special Mystery Guest. It's a treat.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35The production team have found me someone special to interview,
0:18:35 > 0:18:39and I have to find out who it is. So please welcome my Mystery Guest!
0:18:39 > 0:18:43MEXICAN MUSIC
0:18:55 > 0:18:57LAUGHTER
0:18:58 > 0:19:02Are you that really cool cartoon mouse?
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- No clues.- Oh, wow! How deep is your voice from nowhere?
0:19:05 > 0:19:08And I'm not Mexican.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09LAUGHTER
0:19:14 > 0:19:17But I have been to Mexico.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Well, clearly.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Um, OK. So, you've been to Mexico
0:19:23 > 0:19:24and it has Mexico '86.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28As a football fan, it suggests you're a footballer.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Are you a footballer?
0:19:30 > 0:19:33I like to play safe, that's the clue.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35You like to play safe? Oh, my God! I know who you are.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37You're Peter Shilton.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39That's right.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Pleased to meet you, how are you?
0:19:42 > 0:19:48APPLAUSE
0:19:48 > 0:19:51I'll just get this thing off.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55- Am I right in saying you are the most capped England player? - Yes, the most capped England player.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57- How many was it?- 125 caps.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00CHEERING
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Played in three World Cups
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- and I think we have a VT to show. - Let's have a look at you in action.
0:20:07 > 0:20:12MUSIC: "Jump Around" by House of Pain
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Thank you very much for coming on.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37A pleasure. Nice to be here.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41Is it true that when you were young, this is because I'm a football nerd,
0:20:41 > 0:20:46- is it true you used to hang from the banisters to stretch your arms? - Unfortunately, it was true.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- Is that because you weren't tall enough to be...- That's right.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52As a youngster, very young, sort of the age of 10,
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- I wanted to be a goalkeeper. I wasn't growing.- Yeah.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58So I tried to do as much as I could. One day,
0:20:58 > 0:21:01I hung from the banisters at home. My mother pulled on my ankles.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05Unbelievable, cos what I assumed, I have an image of you hanging
0:21:05 > 0:21:08and your mum coming home and going, "Peter, what are you doing?"
0:21:08 > 0:21:11But I love the fact that your mum went, "Good idea,"
0:21:11 > 0:21:14- and started... - She always did what I told her.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Good job you weren't a porn star. Imagine if your mum caught you then.
0:21:18 > 0:21:19"Pull, pull."
0:21:19 > 0:21:23So, please, please, tell me we're going to do some penalties.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24We are doing some penalties
0:21:24 > 0:21:28but it's going to be a bit different as I've injured my shoulder.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31So, I can't dive round at the moment.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34- I've injured my shoulder. - You'll go in goal.
0:21:34 > 0:21:39I've heard you're a very good goalkeeper, because, obviously, we've got the name and the number one.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Let's do this.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44CHEERING
0:21:49 > 0:21:52First thing about goalkeeping is you've got to get your weight right.
0:21:52 > 0:21:57So, bend the knees, get the shoulders forward, get the hands together.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00That's it. Get the knees like that. That's it! Good. Head forward.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02That's it, yeah.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04LAUGHTER
0:22:05 > 0:22:09If you've got a penalty to take, walk out to them like this,
0:22:09 > 0:22:11and you can look 'em in the eyes and say,
0:22:11 > 0:22:13- "What lovely eyes you've got."- OK.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15PETER LAUGHS
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Can it be any sexual turn-on, or does it have to be the eyes?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21- It's entirely up to you, yeah.- Sweet.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Nice dick, mate! Let's do this!
0:22:25 > 0:22:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Oh-h!
0:22:32 > 0:22:34- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- You haven't said how good my eyes look.- Your eyes are beautiful.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40- Thank you.- Your thighs are great!
0:22:42 > 0:22:44- Oh!- Yay! CHEERING
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Quality. Thanks, man.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Right...
0:22:50 > 0:22:53- You're not allowed to go in goal, are you? - I can't cos of my shoulder, no.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Can I bring on my friends to play?
0:22:55 > 0:22:57God, that made me sound like I was seven!
0:22:57 > 0:23:00But please, let me bring my friends out. They'll love this!
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Stevie, Karl, come out, my friends! My friends!
0:23:02 > 0:23:04- CHEERING - My glorious friends!
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Stevie, get in goal.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14- Try and get in the middle if you can.- Spot on!
0:23:14 > 0:23:15LAUGHTER
0:23:15 > 0:23:17It always helps!
0:23:17 > 0:23:19"Ain't nobody got time for that!"
0:23:21 > 0:23:23CHEERING
0:23:26 > 0:23:27CHEERING
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Now, let's play the game. Pete,
0:23:37 > 0:23:40we'll play the game we've been playing in the courtyard.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Come on, fellas. Karl, you're in.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Now, the aim - you've got to hit someone's arse.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49APPLAUSE
0:23:50 > 0:23:53- Oh-h-h! - CHEERING
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Cracker.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for my mystery guest, Peter Shilton!
0:23:59 > 0:24:00CHEERING
0:24:00 > 0:24:03And my friend Steve Williams...
0:24:03 > 0:24:05and Karl Minns!
0:24:12 > 0:24:16Have you seen the latest subject kids are being taught in school?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Hands flat like this.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Onto the person's back.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23'These Year Fours are learning a new subject.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26'It's their first-ever massage class.'
0:24:26 > 0:24:28LAUGHTER
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Eight-year-old kids are learning to MASSAGE!
0:24:31 > 0:24:35How weird is that? Apparently it calms them down.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37The last thing kids need is help falling asleep.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Also, what self-respecting eight-year-old boy
0:24:43 > 0:24:45is going to touch a girl?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48"You want me to what? On a girl?!
0:24:48 > 0:24:50"That is s-o-o gay!"
0:24:51 > 0:24:54I'm off to the boys' toilets to see who can wee the highest!
0:24:58 > 0:25:00It wouldn't have calmed me down.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03If I touched a girl when I was eight, it would've freaked me out.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07"MUM! I touched Sarah, now my winkie's turned to stone!
0:25:09 > 0:25:11- SHOUTS:- Look at it!
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Then again, maybe I'm wrong.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Maybe massage is a great idea.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22I mean, some kids REALLY need to chill out.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33That isn't the oddest education story.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Apparently, the key to revision is SLEEPING. According to research...
0:25:40 > 0:25:42If that's true, this lot haven't slept for weeks.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45These are all GENUINE exam answers.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50LAUGHTER
0:25:56 > 0:25:59This is my favourite. This is incredible.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Wonderful.
0:26:10 > 0:26:11Here's the touching story
0:26:11 > 0:26:14about Dan Blake and the reason he's carrying the Olympic torch.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Dan and four-year-old Joshua
0:26:17 > 0:26:21'are paying close attention to the progress of the Olympic torch.'
0:26:21 > 0:26:24And that's what Daddy's going to wear. That outfit.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26- What that man's wearing.- Wow!
0:26:26 > 0:26:28THEY LAUGH
0:26:28 > 0:26:32Dan is one of the 8,000 people who will carry the Olympic flame
0:26:32 > 0:26:35because of his response to the cruellest thing which can happen
0:26:35 > 0:26:36to a young family.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Hi, Daddy. Say, "Hi, Daddy."
0:26:39 > 0:26:43Nicki Blake was just 33 when she died.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47A misdiagnosed stomach pain after giving birth to Joshua
0:26:47 > 0:26:50was actually pancreatic cancer.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53By the time it was diagnosed, it was too late.
0:26:53 > 0:26:58Dan has set up a charity called Nicki's Smile to help fund research.
0:26:58 > 0:27:03Breast cancer, lung cancer, prostate, testicular -
0:27:03 > 0:27:07they've all had phenomenal improvements in survival rates
0:27:07 > 0:27:09over the last 10, 20 years.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12And that can be put down to one thing - investment in research.
0:27:12 > 0:27:17In its first year, they've already raised a quarter of a million pounds,
0:27:17 > 0:27:20which is why Dan has been nominated to carry the Olympic torch.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22'What do you think Nicki would make of it all?'
0:27:22 > 0:27:25'I mean, I think she'd be very proud.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29'The sole reason I'm carrying it is for her.'
0:27:29 > 0:27:32It being a flame, being a light, you know, an eternal light for her.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34I think she'd be very proud.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Pretty awesome, eh?
0:27:36 > 0:27:38CHEERING
0:27:40 > 0:27:44Thanks very much for watching Good News. Good night, my friends!
0:27:44 > 0:27:46CHEERING
0:28:08 > 0:28:12Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd