0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language
0:00:22 > 0:00:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Hello! Thank you very much.
0:00:31 > 0:00:32Hello, and welcome to Good News.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35With the Olympics around the corner, the show is all about sport.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Here it is, I hope you enjoy it.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40First up, never interview someone on a trampoline.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Emma...
0:00:42 > 0:00:43Emma?
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Emma.
0:00:45 > 0:00:46Here's a tip -
0:00:46 > 0:00:49don't do a live broadcast outside a football stadium.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52It's been said for quite a while that it's going to take a long time
0:00:52 > 0:00:55for Rangers to get back to where they were.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59Mark Longhurst revealed what he shouts at the point of orgasm.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01In the back of the net!
0:01:01 > 0:01:04And finally, don't forget the main rule of telly -
0:01:04 > 0:01:07never broadcast live from a pub.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11It's a very different atmosphere here in this pub now
0:01:11 > 0:01:12than it was when we got here
0:01:12 > 0:01:14at eight o'clock this morning.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17It's a different crowd that are here now.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18It's filled up with football fans.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22When we got here this morning, it was full of Andy Murray fans.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Now, you're probably thinking, I imagine he stops there.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27You'd be wrong!
0:01:27 > 0:01:29He made it to the final this time last year,
0:01:29 > 0:01:33the same Australian Open final, when we were all here then,
0:01:33 > 0:01:36and we all had our fingers crossed for a different outcome this time.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38We've been told not to lose heart
0:01:38 > 0:01:41as some of the greatest tennis players of our time,
0:01:41 > 0:01:45among them Andre Agassi, didn't win his first Grand Slam...
0:01:45 > 0:01:48it happened for him later in the day.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52# It's all right if you wanna come back to me... #
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Big news of the week,
0:01:53 > 0:01:55the new England manager was going to be Harry Redknapp.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58But instead, we've got this guy.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Roy Hodgson has officially been named as the new England manager.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05The big question, though, is what happened with Harry Redknapp,
0:02:05 > 0:02:07the choice of many fans, and footballers?
0:02:07 > 0:02:11When I saw it on the news last night, I screamed at the television.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15It's so gutting.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Everyone wanted Harry, and instead we've got Roy.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Fair to say the fans have not taken the news well.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23This is awful.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25That is just madness.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Roy Hodgson? Are they on crack?!
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Roy Hodgson looks set to be the next England manager.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34HE WAILS
0:02:42 > 0:02:45It was even worse on Twitter.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54My favourite anti-Hodgson tweet was this...
0:02:58 > 0:03:00In fairness, he's got a point!
0:03:10 > 0:03:13This was definitely the big sport story of the week.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Manchester City are the new champions,
0:03:15 > 0:03:16stealing the title at the 11th hour
0:03:16 > 0:03:19from under the noses of their United rivals.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Aguero! He's won it! Get in there!
0:03:22 > 0:03:26It was the most exciting end to a season ever, right, lamb?
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Yeah.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Did anyone see the way it was covered on Soccer Saturday?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34If only they'd get a little bit more excited.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Queens Park Rangers are level.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Traore's put the ball in the box, far post, it's a goal!
0:03:40 > 0:03:42He's scored!
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Oh, no!
0:03:44 > 0:03:48It's been said they've played the best football... Ahhhhhh!
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Goal! It's two-all.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53THEY ALL SHOUT INCREDULOUSLY
0:03:53 > 0:03:55- Incredible!- It's 3-2!
0:03:55 > 0:03:58It's in!
0:03:58 > 0:04:01They're all cuddling each other!
0:04:01 > 0:04:03They've got love bites and everything!
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Next up, there's been a study
0:04:06 > 0:04:08analysing the intelligence of footballers.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12If you thought footballers were a bit dippy, think again.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14A new study by researchers in Sweden
0:04:14 > 0:04:17has found they're often more intelligent than the rest of us.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Apparently, footballers are more intelligent than us.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24I'm not so sure. Some of them can get a big tongue-tied.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25With Joey Barton,
0:04:25 > 0:04:27you know that... you know what to expect.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29He's going to come strong in the tackle
0:04:29 > 0:04:30and going to come in your face,
0:04:30 > 0:04:33and you have to be ready before the match.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34LAUGHTER
0:04:36 > 0:04:38I'm not sure he'd go that far!
0:04:39 > 0:04:43One thing I will say - there is one person in football who is a genius.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46I'm not talking Wayne Rooney or Steven Gerrard.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49I'm talking this man - Bristolian legend, Ian Holloway.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51I could listen to him talk for hours.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Most football managers are like,
0:04:52 > 0:04:56"At the end of the day, it's a game of two halves, blah, blah, blah."
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Not Holloway.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Look what he said when Blackpool got promoted to the Premier League.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11My all-time Holloway quote, though, has to be this belter.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Here he is describing Cristiano Ronaldo.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24There's more. There is more!
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Boom!
0:05:31 > 0:05:34The big news in sport was definitely this.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Chelsea have been crowned European champions in Munich.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Chelsea won the Champions League for the first time ever.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43So, how did the fans celebrate? Some sang.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Ole, ole!
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Ole, ole, ole.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Others got a bit carried away.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58You don't want to see the rest of that clip.
0:05:58 > 0:06:03You think that's weird? This was definitely the strangest reaction.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05THEY CHEER
0:06:13 > 0:06:15HE MOUTHS
0:06:19 > 0:06:23"We won! Yeah! Let's shag the dog!" "What?!
0:06:23 > 0:06:27"Why are we shagging?" "I don't know!"
0:06:27 > 0:06:28It gets weirder.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Did you see what the fans were throwing at the players
0:06:31 > 0:06:32during the victory parade?
0:06:32 > 0:06:37You'll see on the ground, and a lot of it in the air, as well.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Lots of celery flying.
0:06:39 > 0:06:44Celery? Who celebrates by throwing vegetables?!
0:06:44 > 0:06:46"I can't believe we won. Pass me that broccoli.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49"It's the best day of my life.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52"Is that a radish? Go on, Drogba, there you go.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55So, why were they throwing celery?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Well, it's all to do with this beautiful ballad
0:06:57 > 0:06:58the Chelsea fans sing.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Well, that is not how to get your five a day.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Also, there's people watching this show that have never had sex.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16Don't ever do that!
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Wonder if there's someone watching at home going...
0:07:22 > 0:07:23HE GASPS
0:07:26 > 0:07:29How did he know?
0:07:29 > 0:07:30After they got rid of the celery,
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Frank Lampard paid tribute to the fans.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35It was the most amazing night of all of our careers,
0:07:35 > 0:07:37and we're so pleased to come here and celebrate with our fans.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Drogba... He did an impression of a car stuck in traffic.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43- Beep-beep!- Hooray!
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- Beep-beep!- Hooray!
0:07:45 > 0:07:47- Beep-beep!- Hooray!
0:07:47 > 0:07:49No idea!
0:07:50 > 0:07:53My favourite player was definitely David Luiz.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Fair to say when he did this interview on Italian TV,
0:07:55 > 0:07:57he'd had a few drinks.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00IN ENGLISH:
0:08:12 > 0:08:14HE SPEAKS ITALIAN
0:08:17 > 0:08:19He was still hammered the next day.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40# I'm so wankered
0:08:40 > 0:08:43# I don't know my own name. #
0:08:43 > 0:08:45- # Yeah, yeah - Get down with the trumpets
0:08:45 > 0:08:47- # Yeah, yeah - Get down with the trumpets... #
0:08:47 > 0:08:51So, back in Britain, the countdown to the Olympics has finally begun,
0:08:51 > 0:08:53with the unveiling of the Olympic clock.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55WOMAN COUNTS DOWN
0:08:55 > 0:08:57If it wasn't real before, it is now.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59While we've been on air, the London Olympics
0:08:59 > 0:09:03unveiled their countdown clock for 2012.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Pretty exciting! 2012, here we come.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Remember last night we showed you
0:09:08 > 0:09:11the start of the London Olympic countdown clock?
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Well, today it stopped!
0:09:15 > 0:09:20It's so classically British - it broke after one day!
0:09:20 > 0:09:22I bet there were people there going, "It's broke!"
0:09:22 > 0:09:25"Have you tried turning it off and on again?
0:09:26 > 0:09:29"Take the batteries out and rub it on your jumper.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30"I got it, right.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33"Try drinking some water... Ah, that's hiccups."
0:09:35 > 0:09:37We are so hopeless, aren't we?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39To be honest, it's little wonder the clock stopped
0:09:39 > 0:09:41when you consider this man's in charge!
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Mind you, Boris has got other things on his mind,
0:09:46 > 0:09:48like this newsreader's ass.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52..Alice Bhandhukravi, who's there for us with some guests.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53LAUGHTER
0:09:53 > 0:09:56He's been on spectacular form.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Listen to what he reckons builders rubbed on the Olympic velodrome.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04Rhubarb. It is rubbed with rhubarb. It is lovingly rubbed with rhubarb.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07The whole of the exterior of this building is rubbed with rhubarb.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11And therefore, this fantastic velodrome creates jobs and employment
0:10:11 > 0:10:13for English rhubarb growers.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18We rubbed the roof with rhubarb!
0:10:18 > 0:10:20That's not all, Britain!
0:10:20 > 0:10:24The bikes are made from aubergines, and I am 80% broccoli!
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Look at the sports he wants to introduce.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29The pankration,
0:10:29 > 0:10:32whose chief exponent was Milo of Croton,
0:10:32 > 0:10:34whose signature performance
0:10:34 > 0:10:37involved carrying an ox the length of the stadium,
0:10:37 > 0:10:41killing it with his bare hands and then eating it all on the same day.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43Bad news for babies.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Babies will be banned from this year's London Olympics
0:10:46 > 0:10:48unless they have their own ticket.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52That's right! Babies have been banned from the Olympics!
0:10:52 > 0:10:55A lot of people are outraged, but come on!
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Babies don't belong there.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Imagine the noise inside the stadium,
0:10:59 > 0:11:01They do not react well to unusual sounds.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03BABY GRIZZLES
0:11:03 > 0:11:07MAN: Brr-rr-rr-rr-rr-rr!
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Just leave them at home!
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Put them in the bouncer and slam on some Johnny Cash!
0:11:16 > 0:11:19MUSIC PLAYS
0:11:22 > 0:11:24In fact, that's how me and my brother
0:11:24 > 0:11:26are going to watch the Olympics.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28MUSIC PLAYS
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Some bizarre kid stories knocking around.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40First of all, have you seen this?
0:11:40 > 0:11:44A one-and-a-half-year-old baby signs a contract with a soccer club
0:11:44 > 0:11:46after becoming a YouTube sensation.
0:11:46 > 0:11:51He talent caught the attention of a Dutch football club VVV-Venlo,
0:11:51 > 0:11:52who made him an attractive deal
0:11:52 > 0:11:55and signed the tot to a ten-year contract.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59A one-year-old professional footballer!
0:12:01 > 0:12:04It's great. Take a look at his contract.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11He's got exactly the same handwriting as Rooney!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Done!
0:12:13 > 0:12:15You're probably thinking, I doubt he's that good.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17He is! Check this out.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19MATCH OF THE DAY THEME PLAYS
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Wow! How cool is that?
0:12:37 > 0:12:40That is...without doubt,
0:12:40 > 0:12:43the coolest way to tidy up ever.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46"Get rid of the toys." "Done 'em, Mum, over there."
0:12:48 > 0:12:50He's incredible! He can do that.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53When I was his age, I just looked like a worm.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58"Kick the ball, Russell."
0:12:58 > 0:12:59"I can't!
0:12:59 > 0:13:03"I can't even make my eyes point in the same direction!"
0:13:04 > 0:13:07This has to be the weirdest animal story in the news.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Have you seen this sport?
0:13:09 > 0:13:12It's a sport with no refs and no real rules,
0:13:12 > 0:13:15just a pair of pants, a high pain tolerance and a ferret.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Three, two, one.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Drop that weasel!
0:13:21 > 0:13:23It's called ferret legging.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26I call it fucking madness!
0:13:28 > 0:13:29"Anyone fancy a game of footy?"
0:13:29 > 0:13:31"No, I'm going to put a weasel on my dick."
0:13:33 > 0:13:34Imagine them coming home.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36"How did you get on at the ferret legging?"
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- HIGH-PITCHED:- "Really well! I won!
0:13:39 > 0:13:42"Although in many ways, I lost!"
0:13:43 > 0:13:45In case there's someone out there
0:13:45 > 0:13:48who wants to take part in this lunacy, check out the rules.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59..Oh, yeah, and no underwear allowed.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01No underwear?!
0:14:01 > 0:14:02Ain't nobody got time for that!
0:14:06 > 0:14:08# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... #
0:14:08 > 0:14:11The big sporting story of the weekend was the Grand National.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13He's a half-length in front.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Neptune Collonges...
0:14:15 > 0:14:19One of the closest races in the Grand National history.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20Neptune Collonges wins by a nose.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23It was an incredible finish, but it wasn't a patch on this.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Born To Sea...
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Oh, he put in a bad stride, he lost balance.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30LAUGHTER
0:14:30 > 0:14:33That is one photo finish you don't ever want to see.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Although he did win by a length.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Did you see the interview with the guy who trained the winning horse?
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Probably the best horse we've run in the race.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Class form in placing Gold Cup, stays genuine.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48What a letdown!
0:14:48 > 0:14:52That's not how you celebrate winning a horse race. This is.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Congratulations.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- Thanks very much.- It's fantastic!
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Jesus, it's unreal, I can't believe it. I can't believe it.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01I'll have fucking sex tonight and everything!
0:15:01 > 0:15:04LAUGHTER
0:15:04 > 0:15:05Yes, you will.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09You lovely, horny little leprechaun.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Have you seen the moment the jockeys arrived?
0:15:11 > 0:15:15The jockeys are waiting to make their way down the steps
0:15:15 > 0:15:17through the crowd and into the paddock.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20I can't believe nobody was tempted to play this music when they came out.
0:15:20 > 0:15:26# Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-dee I've got perfect puzzle for you... #
0:15:26 > 0:15:29It's great fun, you can even do it with the horses.
0:15:29 > 0:15:34MUSIC: "Billy Jean" by Michael Jackson
0:15:34 > 0:15:38Here's a sport you don't see in the newspaper every day...
0:15:38 > 0:15:41It's the Rabbit Grand National!
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Before you get excited, that's rabbits as in, "Ah..."
0:15:44 > 0:15:47- Not rabbits as in... - HE MAKES VIBRATING NOISE
0:15:47 > 0:15:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:49 > 0:15:51That's a very different kind of event.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55"I'm winning, I'm winning!"
0:15:57 > 0:16:01This is genuinely a story about the Rabbit Grand National.
0:16:01 > 0:16:02Do you want to meet the woman
0:16:02 > 0:16:04that trains the fastest rabbits in England?
0:16:04 > 0:16:09'Maureen keeps international athletes in her garden shed.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12'She's the UK's leading rabbit jumping trainer.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16'Novice Roger the Belgian hare is having his first training session
0:16:16 > 0:16:17'in Maureen's indoor arena...'
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Wow!
0:16:20 > 0:16:22She's got an indoor arena!
0:16:22 > 0:16:24'..AKA, the hall.'
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Mind you, I bet Roger's amazing.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31'It's looking good, till the post arrives.'
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Forget about Roger, he's a fucking joker!
0:16:36 > 0:16:38This next guy is the real deal.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41'Smudge is her prize champion.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43'Look at that hopping action!
0:16:44 > 0:16:48'Wait for it...wait for it, go on...
0:16:48 > 0:16:49'It's thrilling.'
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Damn right, it's thrilling -
0:16:51 > 0:16:54it's the most incredible thing I've ever seen(!)
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Nobody will out-jump Smudge, he's a legend!
0:16:58 > 0:16:59Let's, let's, let's...
0:16:59 > 0:17:04let's look at the pitiful dickheads taking the mighty Smudge on.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Fuck it, he'll make a lovely pair of slippers.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Now for the part of the show called The People's Podium.
0:17:18 > 0:17:19We've asked the audience
0:17:19 > 0:17:22to bring interesting questions for me to try and answer.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Let's meet our first speaker on The People's Podium.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Big round of applause.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:30 > 0:17:31What's your question?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Olympic Torch bearer, I've been chosen to be one.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36- Have you?- Yeah.- Sweet.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38In the newspaper a couple of days ago,
0:17:38 > 0:17:42I saw an article saying that those missiles they've put down on the council flats,
0:17:42 > 0:17:45they're heat sensors, so there was a picture on there,
0:17:45 > 0:17:48with an Olympic Torch bearer and a missile following him.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50I need a word of confidence to help me out.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52You're in real trouble!
0:17:52 > 0:17:54So, they're heat-seeking missiles,
0:17:54 > 0:17:57and you have to run past them...
0:17:57 > 0:17:59with a fire.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01LAUGHTER
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- I've been trying to work on my speed!- Yeah!
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- LAUGHTER - What we should do...
0:18:07 > 0:18:09We should get someone like, I don't know, Jeremy Kyle,
0:18:09 > 0:18:14to run in front of you with the flame, just to take the hit - wouldn't that be nice?!
0:18:14 > 0:18:17When you feel it coming, duck, take it, and run!
0:18:17 > 0:18:20But in fairness, the explosion would kill you too.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Hello! Bounding onto the stage, fantastic.
0:18:24 > 0:18:29- What's your name?- Mike. - Mike. What's your question? - I don't know if you saw,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32but last week the horse badminton trials was cancelled.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34I didn't!
0:18:41 > 0:18:45# All around me are familiar... #
0:18:45 > 0:18:48I didn't even know horses could play badminton!
0:18:50 > 0:18:53So, the horse badminton was cancelled.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55If you could watch any animal play any sport, what would it be?
0:18:55 > 0:18:59It would absolutely be a sport I've invented this week,
0:18:59 > 0:19:02called Throw The Dog At People You Hate.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10- What's your name?- TJ. - Good name! What's your question?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13How would you get the England team motivated?
0:19:13 > 0:19:17How would I get the England team motivated? Simply put their wives in cages.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19And...
0:19:19 > 0:19:22threaten to release John Terry within the cage...
0:19:23 > 0:19:26..unless they play well.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28CHEERING
0:19:28 > 0:19:30How about you?
0:19:30 > 0:19:33I was thinking, Jubilee, get the Queen in a tracksuit, get her in training.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Get the Queen in a tracksuit?!
0:19:35 > 0:19:38That's your plan to get the England team playing well?
0:19:38 > 0:19:42- And do what with her? - Have a kick-about, a warm-up.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46You haven't thought this through, have you?
0:19:46 > 0:19:50How would we get the Queen of this country in a tracksuit?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53- She must have some in her wardrobe.- Really?
0:19:53 > 0:19:57- AS THE QUEEN: - "The Kappa today, I believe.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59"Philip, look at me, I'm going slag."
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- LAUGHTER - I doubt that's going to happen!
0:20:02 > 0:20:05- Hey, mate.- Hey.- What's your name? - My name is Reggie.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08- Reggie.- Yeah.- Sweet. What's your question?
0:20:08 > 0:20:12Sepp Blatter wants to get rid of penalties completely,
0:20:12 > 0:20:17so what would be a better way of deciding matches
0:20:17 > 0:20:20without penalties at all?
0:20:20 > 0:20:21- Best way?- Yeah.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24It absolutely has to be a thumb war!
0:20:24 > 0:20:25A thumb war?
0:20:25 > 0:20:31- You can't beat me in a thumb war, never.- Oh, step to me!
0:20:31 > 0:20:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:37 > 0:20:39- Do you want to have a thumb war?- OK.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41You're definitely going to beat me. Ready?
0:20:41 > 0:20:43BOTH: One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war!
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Oh, yeah, oh, oh!
0:20:45 > 0:20:49AUDIENCE SHOUTS AND CHEERS
0:20:55 > 0:20:59- What's your name, my friend? - Phil.- What's your question?
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Do you think darts should be an Olympic sport?
0:21:02 > 0:21:06Absolutely. In fact, darts players should be forced to wear Lycra!
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Wouldn't that be better?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Press the red button to see them get in and out of the Lycra.
0:21:10 > 0:21:15- Would you like to see it as an Olympic sport?- Yeah. Why not?
0:21:15 > 0:21:18The only problem is, when they win a medal,
0:21:18 > 0:21:20could they get up those steps?
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Wouldn't that be wonderful to see somebody get a gold medal on a Stannah chairlift?!
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Sit down, my friend. Thank you very much.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:28 > 0:21:33If you have anything you want to ask me on the show, get in touch.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42It could be a mystery guest who's been in the news,
0:21:42 > 0:21:44and I have to figure out who that person is.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Please welcome my mystery guest!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:56 > 0:21:59- Hello.- Hello.- I'm Russell, nice to meet you. What's your name?
0:21:59 > 0:22:04- Connie Adam.- Sweet. I have to guess... So, there's a sword here.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- Are you a fencer? - Yes.- Good.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- Kabaddi.- Yes! - Do you play Kabaddi?- I do!
0:22:11 > 0:22:15- No clues.- Wow! How deep is YOUR voice, from nowhere?!
0:22:15 > 0:22:17And I'm not Mexican.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26But I have been to Mexico.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Clearly!
0:22:27 > 0:22:33I kind of like fencing teenagers, especially university students.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Why is that?
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Because they think, there's an old dear without a move,
0:22:38 > 0:22:39and you stand there and hit them!
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Can you give me any other clues?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47- I'll just have to reveal myself. - Right!
0:22:47 > 0:22:50AUDIENCE: Oooh!
0:22:50 > 0:22:54- I know who you are! You're Peter Shilton!- That's right.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Hello, mate. Nice to meet you.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Let's get it off.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:03 > 0:23:05I don't like that dress anyway.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Well, I think we can all figure out what will happen.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15I'm getting beaten up again.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18Can you show me what you do?
0:23:18 > 0:23:22Quality, let's show you. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:22 > 0:23:24DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:23:30 > 0:23:31Nice!
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Ooh!
0:23:38 > 0:23:40You sexy little bastard!
0:23:43 > 0:23:47Oh, oh! Oh, if I was a woman, I'd bang you right now.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52This is literally my friend Karl's absolute fantasy.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Can he come on and just face you?
0:23:54 > 0:23:58Quickly, Karl, you'll love this. This is your dream.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Quickly, just before we go.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:02 > 0:24:06Just run at him, he'll love it.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07LAUGHTER
0:24:07 > 0:24:11- AUDIENCE:- Go on, Karl!
0:24:11 > 0:24:12Yeah!
0:24:12 > 0:24:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:18 > 0:24:22He's going to try to kick it so hard that Karl's hair grows back.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26Clapping the hands! To show we've got no weapons!
0:24:26 > 0:24:29The lucky thing is, if I shit myself, I'm wearing a nappy.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Take a step forward and hit me.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34I don't want to, it feels wrong!
0:24:34 > 0:24:36You've never had a pair like this in your life!
0:24:36 > 0:24:40LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Does anyone want to come out and play?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45AUDIENCE SHOUTS
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Let's Kabaddi it up!
0:24:47 > 0:24:50They're holding hands, let's hold hands together.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Are you ready?
0:24:53 > 0:24:55LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Yes!
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- I've got to equalise, haven't I? - You do.- You know the game, Shilts.
0:25:11 > 0:25:16- Ooh! Unbelievable save! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Unbelievable!
0:25:21 > 0:25:23You'll be all right!
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Stop it!
0:25:26 > 0:25:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Oh, stop it, you naughty boy!
0:25:30 > 0:25:32I want to put you in a big Radox tub,
0:25:32 > 0:25:37- treat you right, that's all I want to do!- I'm liking that too!
0:25:37 > 0:25:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:40 > 0:25:41INDISTINCT SPEECH
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Why do you always have to fight?
0:25:47 > 0:25:50I can't get down there, I've got false knees! LAUGHTER
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Somebody get me a cigarette!
0:25:54 > 0:25:56That was nice, though.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00You left me there for longer than you had to, didn't you?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- Well, you're such a nice boy.- Yeah!
0:26:03 > 0:26:06LAUGHTER
0:26:06 > 0:26:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Can I do a thing I've always wanted to do?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Yes, go on.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19# Near, far... #
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest!
0:26:23 > 0:26:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Thank you very much.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Ladies and gentlemen, Peter Shilton!
0:26:29 > 0:26:33- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - And my friend, Steve Williams!
0:26:33 > 0:26:35And Karl Minns!
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Hope you enjoyed that, and enjoy the Olympics.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44LAUGHTER
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Thank you very much for watching Good News. Good night.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd