0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:20 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:29Hello! Hello, hello, hello!
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Welcome to Good News. One of the highlights of doing this show
0:00:33 > 0:00:35is that it allows me to pick loads of great comics
0:00:35 > 0:00:38to come on and give us a stand-up set, and this is a special edition
0:00:38 > 0:00:41with my favourite comics that you've seen on the series
0:00:41 > 0:00:43and a few unseen bits, so enjoy.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Because I don't drink anymore I had to take up a hobby, and the hobby
0:00:48 > 0:00:52that I've chosen is I've started collecting puns in shop titles.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Whatever, you've probably got friends, so, erm...
0:00:57 > 0:01:01I've got this big long list, but I've got two runners-up and a favourite.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Now, the first runner-up is a pie shop,
0:01:03 > 0:01:05and I found it while I was over here. This was years ago.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Now, if you had a pie shop, you could call it the Pie Hut.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12You could call it Pies R Us.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14But why would you bother...
0:01:14 > 0:01:18if you could call it Pie Minister?! Mmmmmh!
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Mmmmmh!
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Mmmmmh!
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Pretty good, but not the winner.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Another runner-up, there's a kebab shop
0:01:30 > 0:01:32called Abra Kebabra! Ahhh!
0:01:36 > 0:01:39How is that not the winner? It's not the winner.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42The winner, ladies and gentlemen, came in the form of a phone call.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45My friend knows that I do this and he called me up and said,
0:01:45 > 0:01:47"Are you sitting down?"
0:01:47 > 0:01:49And I said, "What is it?" He said, "I've found it."
0:01:49 > 0:01:53I said, "What is it?" He said, "It's a Halal store."
0:01:53 > 0:01:54I said, "What's it called?"
0:01:54 > 0:01:58He said, "It's called Halal, Is It Meat You're Looking For?"
0:02:00 > 0:02:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:05 > 0:02:09Lionel Richie and Islam together at last!
0:02:09 > 0:02:13But what happens now is, people know that I do this
0:02:13 > 0:02:15so they sent one to me and I've got a new favourite.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17There is an Indian restaurant
0:02:17 > 0:02:19called Poppadom Preach!
0:02:23 > 0:02:26I come from a country that's going through difficult times,
0:02:26 > 0:02:28but I also just love hanging out with me friends
0:02:28 > 0:02:29and love hanging out with me family.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33My mum is amazing, right, like every other one's mum is great.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37But she's got a great ability, like any Irish mother to ask me
0:02:37 > 0:02:41a question and then answer that question within the same sentence!
0:02:41 > 0:02:43It's ridiculous.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46I spoke to my mum on the phone last year, last September,
0:02:46 > 0:02:49and this was the exact conversation that I had with my mum on the phone.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51She rings me up and goes, "Andrew." I said, "Yes, Mammy?"
0:02:51 > 0:02:55She says, "Come here, do you know your brother Ian?"
0:02:59 > 0:03:01"No, no, no, never heard of him."
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Of course I know my brother Ian, right?
0:03:03 > 0:03:06He's me brother, I've known him all me life, it's ridiculous.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08She goes, "Well, I just wanted to tell you something
0:03:08 > 0:03:11"about your brother Ian." I said, "What's that, Mammy?"
0:03:11 > 0:03:15"Your brother Ian is thinking about proposing
0:03:15 > 0:03:17"to his girlfriend on Christmas Day."
0:03:17 > 0:03:20I said, "What are you telling me that for? It's September."
0:03:20 > 0:03:23She goes, "Well, I just wanted to warn you
0:03:23 > 0:03:26"that if your brother rings you on Christmas Day
0:03:26 > 0:03:30"to tell you that he's engaged, I want you to act surprised."
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I was like, "Why don't you just not bloody tell me, then,
0:03:36 > 0:03:37"and I'll be surprised!"
0:03:37 > 0:03:40I now have to assume a role that I'm not comfortable with!
0:03:40 > 0:03:42And then on Christmas Day last year,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44my brother did get engaged on Christmas Day, but guess what?
0:03:44 > 0:03:47He never rang me. He sent me a text.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Sent me a text on Christmas Day.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51One word, no emotion. "Engaged."
0:03:52 > 0:03:55I didn't know, was he getting married or locked in a toilet?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57I wasn't sure of the scenario.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00So what I did was, I rang my mum back up on Christmas Day,
0:04:00 > 0:04:02cos I had Christmas here in England.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04I rang her up and went, "Mammy." She goes, "Yes, son."
0:04:04 > 0:04:06I said, "Come here. Do you know your son Ian?"
0:04:06 > 0:04:09She went, "I do, yeah, yeah. I've heard of him, yeah."
0:04:09 > 0:04:11I said, "Well, he's just after sending me a text to tell me
0:04:11 > 0:04:14"that he's after getting engaged." She went, "What? He's engaged?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17"He's not told me yet, now you bloody spoiled my surprise as well."
0:04:18 > 0:04:21AMERICAN ACCENT: OK, so, erm, this first song that I'm going to do for you,
0:04:21 > 0:04:25this is a song that comes all the way from Australia, where I'm from.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28And I want you guys to really give it up.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31This goes out to all the joeys out there, the kangaroos,
0:04:31 > 0:04:35all the wallabies, the billbies, all of those, OK?
0:04:35 > 0:04:36So here we go.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39HE BEATBOXES
0:04:43 > 0:04:46BEATBOXING PLAYS ON LOOP
0:04:49 > 0:04:53BASS VOCAL IMPRESSION: Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah Wah-wah-wah, wah-wah
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooh Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Oo-ooh!
0:04:58 > 0:05:00# Come on, come on, yeah!
0:05:00 > 0:05:01# Come on
0:05:01 > 0:05:04# Sometimes, 85,365 people and stuff...
0:05:04 > 0:05:07HE RAPS GIBBERISH
0:05:07 > 0:05:10# ..underwear, it's my underpants and my trousers...
0:05:10 > 0:05:13HE RAPS GIBBERISH
0:05:13 > 0:05:14# ..glass of milk
0:05:14 > 0:05:17HE RAPS GIBBERISH
0:05:24 > 0:05:27# Zoom-zoom, what? Zoom, what? Zoom, what?
0:05:27 > 0:05:31# Put your hand in the cookie jar
0:05:31 > 0:05:34# Put your hand in the cookie jar
0:05:34 > 0:05:36# Put your hand in the cookie jar
0:05:36 > 0:05:38# Put your, put your, put your hand
0:05:38 > 0:05:43# Put your hand, p-p-p-p-p-p Put your hand in the cookie jar
0:05:43 > 0:05:47# Put your hand in the cookie C-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c
0:05:47 > 0:05:50# Put your hand in the cookie jar
0:05:50 > 0:05:53# Yeah, come on, come on, yeah. #
0:05:54 > 0:05:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:57 > 0:06:00I went to my Arabic barber today and had a wet shave today for the show.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02I tried to look my best for you,
0:06:02 > 0:06:05and erm...I love having a wet shave but it's quite tense.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07You've got an Arab...
0:06:08 > 0:06:09..a Jew...
0:06:10 > 0:06:12..and a blade...
0:06:13 > 0:06:16..and the news on in the background.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22But it's tense at my barber's cos my barber doesn't know my name!
0:06:22 > 0:06:24You know those friendships, like with the milkman,
0:06:24 > 0:06:27when you swap names on the first day and never get their name again?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29After ten years you can't ask someone their name.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31My barber's name is on his shop front.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Get this, my barber's called Ali, Ali the barber!
0:06:34 > 0:06:36I'm going to play a practical joke on Ali.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38I've decided that the biggest high in life
0:06:38 > 0:06:40you can possibly get is a cringe.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Above falling in love, above seeing your baby being born,
0:06:43 > 0:06:45when you intentionally embarrass yourself in public
0:06:45 > 0:06:47and that rush goes through your body and you go,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50"Ohh, I can't believe I just got my cock out in Sainsbury's."
0:06:52 > 0:06:54"Has that made it more than six items?"
0:06:56 > 0:06:57But that rush, that's a great feeling,
0:06:57 > 0:06:59but you can't enjoy that feeling
0:06:59 > 0:07:01cos society's told you it's not a nice feeling.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Next time you cringe, get into it and enjoy it, it's amazing.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06I'm going to give Ali the biggest cringe buzz ever.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Listen to this idea carefully, you have to use your imaginations.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11If you haven't got one, pretend.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Next time Ali's shaving me, I'm going to turn around and say,
0:07:16 > 0:07:20"I've known you for ten years and I consider you to be my friend, Ali."
0:07:20 > 0:07:22And he'll say, "I consider you to be my friend...
0:07:22 > 0:07:23"..my friend."
0:07:23 > 0:07:27And I'll say, "D'you know what I do for a living?" He'll say, "No."
0:07:27 > 0:07:29I'll say, "I work with profoundly deaf people and mute people.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32It's my birthday next week, I want you to come to my party,
0:07:32 > 0:07:35it'll be me, you and my seven other best friends who are all mute."
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Let's be honest, what could be more awkward than going to
0:07:38 > 0:07:41a birthday party on your own where you don't know the host's name
0:07:41 > 0:07:44or any of his mates and they're all mute?
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I'll tell you, when they bring on my birthday cake
0:07:46 > 0:07:49and you've got to sing Happy Birthday...
0:07:51 > 0:07:55..to a bloke whose name you don't know with seven mute people.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00I'm not one of these hardcore atheists, though.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01I don't hate religious people.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04If you are religious, beautiful, fantastic, well done, you.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06I wish I could have that faith.
0:08:06 > 0:08:11Wish I could have that belief system, but I went to school, so...
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Makes it a little bit difficult.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Damn you, logic, and er...
0:08:15 > 0:08:17but I'm really not, really not against religion.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20My entire side of my mum's family's very religious, entire side
0:08:20 > 0:08:24of my dad's family's very religious, I've got an uncle who's a minister.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27He's five foot two so we call him a mini-ster.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32He does that annoying thing that a lot of religious people do, where
0:08:32 > 0:08:36he quotes the Bible at me in random situations and expects it to help.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Like, "Daniel, you will know the Truth,
0:08:38 > 0:08:41"and the Truth will set you free."
0:08:41 > 0:08:42"John, 8:32."
0:08:43 > 0:08:47What? Can I do that? Can I randomly quote stuff at people?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49"If you want to know what a man is truly like,
0:08:49 > 0:08:52"look at how he treats his inferiors and not his equals."
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire!
0:08:55 > 0:08:56Page 410, right?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Same thing, same thing.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Good quote, made-up source, OK?
0:09:03 > 0:09:06My uncle will be sitting there, he's lost faith, he's like,
0:09:06 > 0:09:09"Oh, Daniel, what if you're right? What if there is no God?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11"What if I've wasted my life, what if I've wasted my kid's life?
0:09:11 > 0:09:14"How am I meant to go on? How am I meant to find Jesus?"
0:09:14 > 0:09:16And I'll say, "Don't give up, Scott.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18"Keep on searching and you will find him."
0:09:18 > 0:09:20"Oh, wow, that's beautiful, what's that?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22"Is that John, is that Paul, is that Leviticus?"
0:09:22 > 0:09:24"No, Where's Wally?"
0:09:25 > 0:09:27He was behind the Eiffel Tower, eh?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30I don't have a home, I just follow...
0:09:30 > 0:09:32- AUDIENCE "AWWWS" - No, it's cool, man.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34I feel sorry for you for having one.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Homes suck!
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Now my only hassles in life are airport security,
0:09:42 > 0:09:44border guards and customs agents,
0:09:44 > 0:09:48which would be a good only problem to have if I looked normal
0:09:48 > 0:09:49but I don't, I look like this,
0:09:49 > 0:09:53so I'm constantly being fucked with at the borders
0:09:53 > 0:09:57and that bothers me, cos I've been a comedian for 19 years now,
0:09:57 > 0:10:00and it used to be relatively easy to get across borders
0:10:00 > 0:10:03and then 9/11 happened and it got really hard,
0:10:03 > 0:10:06especially for people who look like me, which I don't understand
0:10:06 > 0:10:09cos I don't remember a Lynyrd Skynyrd cover band
0:10:09 > 0:10:13having anything to do with the actions of that horrible day.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16But I'm constantly fucked with at the border,
0:10:16 > 0:10:19and I've got to tell 'em on the form that I'm a comedian,
0:10:19 > 0:10:24which no border guard EVER in the history of time has ever been
0:10:24 > 0:10:27able to deal with maturely.
0:10:27 > 0:10:32So it's like, "Oh, comedian! "Ah-hardy-har-har-har-har-har!"
0:10:33 > 0:10:37I once had a border guard look me straight in the eye once, go,
0:10:37 > 0:10:41"Comedian! Yeah, what do your parents think of that?"
0:10:43 > 0:10:44"What do my parents think of me?
0:10:44 > 0:10:48"What do your parents think of YOU, you pretend cop?"
0:10:50 > 0:10:55As a comedian, I travel the whole damn world making people laugh.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59That's one of the most difficult jobs on the planet.
0:10:59 > 0:11:05I know people who went to Oxford who can't do this job!
0:11:07 > 0:11:13A border guard, however, goes to bed every night knowing no matter
0:11:13 > 0:11:18how good they get at their job, a dog will always be better!
0:11:21 > 0:11:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:28 > 0:11:31I've had 'em tell me jokes before.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33That's creepy.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36When you find out what makes border guards laugh, like,
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I was coming into England and the border guard's like...
0:11:39 > 0:11:41"You're a comedian, right?"
0:11:43 > 0:11:44"Here's one for you."
0:11:46 > 0:11:47"WHAT...
0:11:48 > 0:11:53"..is the only good thing about paedophiles?"
0:11:56 > 0:12:00I was like, "I don't...know, sir."
0:12:02 > 0:12:05And he said, "You can be sure when they drive past schools
0:12:05 > 0:12:08"they will always respect the speed limit."
0:12:12 > 0:12:14And then he followed it up with...
0:12:15 > 0:12:17"You can use that!"
0:12:20 > 0:12:27How the hell would I crowbar that joke into my act?!
0:12:33 > 0:12:35My brother's 17, just turned 17.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39He's one of those young, wannabe bad boys, like, "Yeah, yeah, you get me?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41"Yeah, yeah, yeah, you get me? Oh, my days, yeah?
0:12:41 > 0:12:44"Oh, my days, yeah, but still, you get me, yeah? You get me, yeah?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46"Yeah, yeah." One of them bell-ends, right?
0:12:48 > 0:12:49I love him, but just...
0:12:49 > 0:12:51we don't really see eye-to-eye on certain stuff now.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Like, he doesn't think I'm cool and young and hip anymore.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Like, for example, I took him to a hip-hop concert earlier this year.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Now, he loves hip-hop, right? It's not that I don't like hip-hop,
0:13:00 > 0:13:04it's just that certain things about hip-hop concerts annoy me now, right?
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Like, we got to the concert and the main act came out.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Before he says anything, five other guys, right,
0:13:09 > 0:13:12his posse, come onstage with microphones,
0:13:12 > 0:13:15and they start running around the stage going, "Yeah!
0:13:15 > 0:13:22"Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
0:13:22 > 0:13:27"Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Bro!
0:13:27 > 0:13:31"Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro!"
0:13:35 > 0:13:36What's the point of that?
0:13:36 > 0:13:39And my brother, he's like, "No, no, you don't understand, man.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42"It's to hype up the crowd, innit? It's to get the crowd excited."
0:13:42 > 0:13:45I was like, what would get the crowd excited
0:13:45 > 0:13:47was if the man had just started doing the bloody songs.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49That's what I've paid my money for.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Like, for example, if I go to a restaurant and I order some food,
0:13:51 > 0:13:54I don't want a chef to come to my table with pots and pans going,
0:13:54 > 0:13:57"Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!"
0:14:00 > 0:14:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:05 > 0:14:07"Just get my food, bell-end."
0:14:08 > 0:14:11I'm very immature, a very immature person indeed.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15My favourite thing to do in the world is to tell my sister
0:14:15 > 0:14:21stupid made-up shit and just see how long she'll believe that shit for.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24The things I've told her in the past. I told her, for example,
0:14:24 > 0:14:28that Julius Caesar was King of the Salads.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30She believed that.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34The second one I told her, I told my sister that lighthouses were
0:14:34 > 0:14:38originally built square, but the swirling wind erosion...
0:14:40 > 0:14:41..that's outstanding!
0:14:41 > 0:14:44But the best one I told her, and this is the best thing
0:14:44 > 0:14:46I've ever told anybody in my entire life, right?
0:14:46 > 0:14:48I told my sister that Nelson Mandela
0:14:48 > 0:14:50was the original face of Uncle Ben's.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59That's incredible! I'm really happy with that. But the best thing is,
0:14:59 > 0:15:01my sister is a 32-year-old primary school teacher.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07So all the bullshit I tell her just gets filtered down...
0:15:07 > 0:15:09..to a new generation of little morons.
0:15:10 > 0:15:16I have to offer a little bit of love advice as well for you,
0:15:16 > 0:15:19because you need it.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Always the English come to me with advice,
0:15:21 > 0:15:25"Oh, Marcel, you must do this, do that, do this to procure the woman."
0:15:25 > 0:15:30"Oysters," they say, "will win the woman every time. Oysters."
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Bullshit.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36A woman can always spot an oyster floating in her drink.
0:15:39 > 0:15:45Especially if you have left on the shell. But no, advice for you.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47You are together, Monsieur Mucus?
0:15:49 > 0:15:53Oh, it's keeping a distance between you.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56- How long together?- A year.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58A year! Fuck...
0:15:59 > 0:16:03That's a long time, you know. I'd move on.
0:16:03 > 0:16:04One year.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06That's a little bit clingy.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13- Sir, how do you keep alive the spark in this long term...- Sex.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Oh, straight away!
0:16:15 > 0:16:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:22 > 0:16:25You notice, she says sex, you do not.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Now I see how she is keeping alive the spark.
0:16:30 > 0:16:35Well, advice for you sir, for any man in the relationship,
0:16:35 > 0:16:38two things a man can do to keep alive a spark.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42Number one, women, they like to play games.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Always.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Why not try hiding?
0:16:50 > 0:16:55You keep it small at first, one, two hours in the cupboard. Boo, surprise!
0:16:58 > 0:17:02Build it up to three, four weeks away,
0:17:02 > 0:17:04somewhere she won't expect.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Some men, they can hide for decades.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Then I won't get no sex.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12No, but it seems you are not getting it anyway, so...
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Might as well be in a fucking cupboard.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21At least watching a piece of the action.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25She is not denying it.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30If this is not for you, number two, you can leave for your loved one
0:17:30 > 0:17:34around the house small notes for her to find.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Three-word notes are the best.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40A different word on a different note in a different room of the house,
0:17:40 > 0:17:43and the best three words a man can leave are...
0:17:44 > 0:17:45"Will...
0:17:45 > 0:17:47"You..."
0:17:47 > 0:17:48and "Me."
0:17:49 > 0:17:52She will be searching for the fourth one for days.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Gives you time for your own leisure activity.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03You are welcome.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:10 > 0:18:13As you can see, I'm a bit wobbly.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Don't you love the word wobbly?
0:18:16 > 0:18:17I think it's so cool,
0:18:17 > 0:18:22I think that we should have more positive names for conditions.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25You know, instead of something really horrible,
0:18:25 > 0:18:31like schizophrenic, why don't we just say "overly imaginative?"
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Claustrophobic, "nature lover."
0:18:36 > 0:18:40Mentally retarded, "Sarah Palin."
0:18:41 > 0:18:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:46 > 0:18:51Get this, right, I love this one. My friend, he's wobbly too, yeah?
0:18:51 > 0:18:55He calls himself "neurologically inconsistent."
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Which is great, but bloody hard to say
0:19:00 > 0:19:03if you have a speech impediment.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Actually, so is "speech impediment," isn't it?
0:19:07 > 0:19:11Don't you think they should have called that something a bit easier?
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Like, "I have a...u-urgh!"
0:19:17 > 0:19:19I'm a local girl, I love London,
0:19:19 > 0:19:25but where I live, the school kids love to imitate the way I walk,
0:19:25 > 0:19:27and my dad goes mad!
0:19:27 > 0:19:30He storms up to them, shouting,
0:19:30 > 0:19:32"No! This is how you do it!"
0:19:34 > 0:19:36One, two, three, four.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39HE BEATBOXES
0:19:57 > 0:20:00# Every time I put myself on the line
0:20:00 > 0:20:03# Oh, it tells me what could be true
0:20:04 > 0:20:07# Even when I do it on my own
0:20:07 > 0:20:10# I never thought that I could be with you
0:20:10 > 0:20:14# You got me roaming along Shining my shoes
0:20:14 > 0:20:18# Telling everybody that you're all out of view
0:20:18 > 0:20:23# And I, I could buy some biscuits but they're out at the store
0:20:23 > 0:20:26# Every night shop night shop, night shop
0:20:26 > 0:20:29# Threw it away, sneaking away
0:20:29 > 0:20:32# Trying to take two bars of chocolate
0:20:32 > 0:20:35# Put it in my pocket somewhere not come back in
0:20:35 > 0:20:40# My parents never noticed that I had extra sins
0:20:40 > 0:20:45# And if you want to take a trip down the road, all you got to do is... #
0:20:45 > 0:20:47# Actually, the motor functions of...brain
0:20:47 > 0:20:49# And just...down the...road...
0:20:51 > 0:20:54# Every...uh...ta...ow, vuh...G...ronimo!
0:20:54 > 0:20:57# I just wanted to hold stuff
0:20:57 > 0:21:01# Because I never ever gave it some time
0:21:01 > 0:21:04# Oh, if you got some time
0:21:04 > 0:21:08# Isn't that just a little bit tight?
0:21:08 > 0:21:11HE SINGS GIBBERISH
0:21:15 > 0:21:19# This time, baby, boo-boo, ba-ba dee-dee, ba-ba, doo-doo, da-da
0:21:19 > 0:21:21# Doo-doo, da-da, doo-doo
0:21:21 > 0:21:23HE SCAT SINGS
0:21:23 > 0:21:25HE IMITATES A HI-HAT
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Yeah, OK, yeah, here we go.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40HE BEATBOXES
0:21:51 > 0:21:53HE SCATS AND STUTTERS
0:21:59 > 0:22:01HE RAPS GIBBERISH
0:22:06 > 0:22:08# ..Islington...Brixton...
0:22:13 > 0:22:15HE RAPS GIBBERISH
0:22:40 > 0:22:42# ..Condom Style... #
0:22:43 > 0:22:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:46 > 0:22:49I'll tell you what we need to do as people, as our generation,
0:22:49 > 0:22:52we're all kind of scared about money and stuff like that, you know,
0:22:52 > 0:22:55I don't think we're educated in the right way when we go through school
0:22:55 > 0:22:58to kind of set ourselves up for day-to-day living.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00We're not educated about mental health issues,
0:23:00 > 0:23:04emotional intelligence, how to get more money in your parents' will,
0:23:04 > 0:23:06we're not educated about the important stuff.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08We're educated about silly stuff that we don't need.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10And since living here, I've noticed
0:23:10 > 0:23:14that what you do is pay a lot of money back to the British government
0:23:14 > 0:23:16for your education and stuff.
0:23:16 > 0:23:17I've got a friend of mine,
0:23:17 > 0:23:21she's going to pay back to the British government £10,000.
0:23:21 > 0:23:26£10,000 for a geography degree.
0:23:26 > 0:23:31A geography degree! Ten grand for a geography degree.
0:23:31 > 0:23:37For £4.50, I can buy you a map in the petrol station. It's ridiculous.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40I've got another friend of mine, ten grand he's got to pay back
0:23:40 > 0:23:42to the British government for a history degree.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46Ten grand for a history degree. He's studying the past.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50He could have just Googled "What happened?" That's all he had to do.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54Part of his history degree, he had to go on a field trip and what
0:23:54 > 0:23:58he had to do was, my mate, he had to go to Germany, cos he was studying
0:23:58 > 0:24:02history, cos apparently Germany have done loads for history in the past.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05They're big suppliers of the history, right?
0:24:05 > 0:24:07And you know, when anybody goes to another country,
0:24:07 > 0:24:09they go away and they come back
0:24:09 > 0:24:12and they start banging on about what they did and all this sort of stuff.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14He comes back from Germany, he goes, "Oh, you know,
0:24:14 > 0:24:17"the history in Germany, they were ruined by Otto von Bismarck
0:24:17 > 0:24:20"then they had World War I, World War II and the rise of Hitler.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22"Then the country was divided into two groups,
0:24:22 > 0:24:23"you had West Germany and East Germany.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26"Then they had the economic depression of the 1970s,
0:24:26 > 0:24:28"then they had to knock down the Berlin Wall to reunify
0:24:28 > 0:24:30"the country, to build an economy,
0:24:30 > 0:24:33"and that economy then supports your economy and the rest of Europe."
0:24:33 > 0:24:35And he's banging on, and I'm just thinking to myself,
0:24:35 > 0:24:38"Just tell me what I want to know, just tell me the simple stuff.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40"Just tell me how much was the price of the pint?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42"That's all I want to know!"
0:24:42 > 0:24:44"I am not arsed about anything else, but eight euro?
0:24:44 > 0:24:47"Not going fucking near the place, my friend."
0:24:47 > 0:24:50"Eight euro, ridiculous, right? Bulgaria, 80p.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52"80p a pint in Bulgaria. I don't even know where the place is,
0:24:52 > 0:24:55"but that is the greatest country in the world.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58"Iif they can get me pissed on 80p a pint, right?"
0:24:58 > 0:25:00He goes "Yeah, but what about the Berlin Wall?"
0:25:00 > 0:25:04"I've got four fuckin' walls in me bedroom, mate, I'm not arsed."
0:25:04 > 0:25:06I turned 25 recently, which is like a real,
0:25:06 > 0:25:09like a serious human age to be, right?
0:25:09 > 0:25:12It's a proper adult age, it's the kind of age, I feel, like,
0:25:12 > 0:25:15where you should know definitively whether or not you like olives.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19I'm on the fence about olives.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22I think I like green ones and not black ones. Is that a thing?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24OK, thanks guys, cool.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Erm, but yeah, so I've written a song about birthdays.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30I'm going to sing a song about birthdays. OK, how's everyone doing?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Another song, is that cool?
0:25:32 > 0:25:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:36 > 0:25:39True stories about birthdays, guys.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43# A birthday is a special day It comes once a year
0:25:43 > 0:25:46# Forget the world is ending and just be of good cheer
0:25:46 > 0:25:49# You wake up in the morning and your grandma calls
0:25:49 > 0:25:50# And you spend an hour crying
0:25:50 > 0:25:53# Cos only 14 people wrote on your Facebook wall
0:25:56 > 0:25:59# And your ex wrote "Happy birthday" with a lower case B,
0:25:59 > 0:26:01# Followed by dot-dot-dot
0:26:01 > 0:26:03# It's just "Happy birthday..."
0:26:03 > 0:26:06# What the hell is that supposed to mean?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08# At work they tie a balloon to your wheelie chair
0:26:08 > 0:26:10# They got you a cupcake Not a real cake
0:26:10 > 0:26:13# You pretend not to care, but it was Christina's birthday last week
0:26:13 > 0:26:15# And they did get her a real cake
0:26:15 > 0:26:17# And she's only a temp so surely there's been some mistake
0:26:17 > 0:26:20# Because a cupcake's not the same as a cake
0:26:20 > 0:26:22# It's only one fifth of the size
0:26:22 > 0:26:24# A cupcake's not the same as a cake
0:26:24 > 0:26:28# But it's not a big deal I'm just grateful that you remembered
0:26:28 > 0:26:30# It's the time of your life until your best friend mentions
0:26:30 > 0:26:32# "Oh, my God you must love birthdays
0:26:32 > 0:26:34# "Cos you love being the centre of attention." #
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Thank you, Stephanie, thank you for coming, I appreciate it.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40# You started off fresh but now you're feeling muddled
0:26:40 > 0:26:42# People buying you shots like they want to get you in trouble
0:26:42 > 0:26:45# And Stephanie's like, "Is it weird for you that you're single
0:26:45 > 0:26:47# "But all your friends are in couples?"
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Thanks, Stephanie. Thank you so much for coming.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51You really know me so well.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53# On second thoughts make that gin and tonic a double
0:26:53 > 0:26:56# Cos it's your birthday and you're older and wiser
0:26:56 > 0:26:58# But don't feel sad
0:26:58 > 0:27:02# Even if you celebrate the same way as last year
0:27:02 > 0:27:04# By throwing up a kebab
0:27:04 > 0:27:07# And crying
0:27:07 > 0:27:11# And crying and crying and crying in the bathroom
0:27:11 > 0:27:13# That a cupcake's not the same as a cake
0:27:13 > 0:27:15# It's only one fifth of the size
0:27:15 > 0:27:17# A cupcake's not the same as a cake
0:27:17 > 0:27:18# But it's not a big deal
0:27:18 > 0:27:22# I'm just grateful that you remembered. #
0:27:22 > 0:27:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:26 > 0:27:27Thanks, guys.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30That's the end of the show. Hope you enjoyed the stand-ups.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32See you again, my friends. Farewell.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd