0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
0:00:21 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:28Hello! Hello, hello, hello, hello!
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Welcome!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Welcome to my Christmas edition of Good News Best Bits.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35We've had some amazing stories throughout the series,
0:00:35 > 0:00:37so here are some of my favourites.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39I hope you enjoy them.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43Look at Jeremy Paxman's ultimate ambition.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46To rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Here's a tip.
0:00:48 > 0:00:53If you're going on telly, don't stand in front of a sign like this.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55The next court appearance is scheduled for...
0:00:55 > 0:00:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:05I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure this guy is being spied on.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08A lot of buildings obviously lose heat through the roof...
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Bill Oddie revealed that he's impotent.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17You only have to crack a twig and Mr Badger is down in his set
0:01:17 > 0:01:19and he ain't coming out for several hours.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21And finally,
0:01:21 > 0:01:25the BBC asked this bloke what the best programme on telly was.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26I think it's good news.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Very kind.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29CHEERING
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Political news in Britain was all about one man.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Boris de Pfeffel Johnson.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Fresh from his summer of Olympic, Paralympic
0:01:43 > 0:01:47and mayoral election success, Boris arrived to a circus of cameras
0:01:47 > 0:01:50and reporters normally reserved for rock stars.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53He was surrounded by a Borismania media circus.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56The last time I saw anyone get this sort of reception was
0:01:56 > 0:01:58when Muhammad Ali arrived.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Boris, Boris, we love you, Boris.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01Cr-r-razy.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07The country has gone Boris cr-r-razy.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Did you see his conference speeches? He was amazing.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Most MPs talk about policies. Not Boris.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15He talked about what he wants in his lunchbox.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Every single chocolate Hobnob in the world.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22CHEERING
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Then he did an impression of a really happy Rasta.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31He looked and he said, "Very ni-i-ice."
0:02:33 > 0:02:36But that is nothing on his plans for next summer.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38One thing we have considered extensively
0:02:38 > 0:02:39is a politicians' Olympics,
0:02:39 > 0:02:43where you'd have Jeremy Hunt wanging the bell end.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Jeremy Hunt wanging the bell end?
0:02:58 > 0:02:59Very ni-i-ice.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05Over in the US, Barack Obama is back in the presidential race.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Barack Obama has come out fighting in the battle for the White House.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Damn right. Did you watch the debate?
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Romney tried his best, but Obama played his trump card.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18We can get this economy going again. My five-point plan does it.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Energy independence for North America in five years,
0:03:21 > 0:03:24getting a balanced budget, fixing our training programmes
0:03:24 > 0:03:28for our workers and finally, championing small business.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Osama Bin Laden is dead.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Boom! "I can get his head if you want, bitch."
0:03:46 > 0:03:52Next up, check out what happened to this woman on BBC Radio Ulster.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01And what was the horrendous message she read out?
0:04:17 > 0:04:18What?!
0:04:25 > 0:04:33How can you read that out? It's the biggest story, use your brain!
0:04:38 > 0:04:42In literary news, JK Rowling has picked up her pen once more.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46JK Rowling is perhaps the most famous living writer in the world.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50Now, she is opening a new chapter in her literary life,
0:04:50 > 0:04:53with her first novel aimed at an adult audience.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56A book for adults? That's going to freak out the kids, isn't it?
0:04:56 > 0:05:01"Ron moaned as he took Hermione up the Gryffindor.
0:05:05 > 0:05:10"If only she'd worked harder on her Defence Against The Dark Arts.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16"Meanwhile, Harry had caught the snitch.
0:05:16 > 0:05:21"He vowed he would never again sleep with a prostitute."
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Have you seen what it's called?
0:05:29 > 0:05:32The Casual Vacancy is a story set in a small English town.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35The Casual Vacancy?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Surely, if she's going to write an adult book,
0:05:37 > 0:05:38she should have gone for this.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47There's more.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Or my personal favourite.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10"Mr Harry should never have given me a sock."
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Over in the US, look what happened to this guy at the cinema.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18This is hilarious.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22A man in a theatre in downtown Sparks accidentally shoots himself
0:06:22 > 0:06:25in the buttocks while watching a movie.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28As you do.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Was the film stopped, was he screaming in agony? Oh, no.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Witnesses say the subject then stood up, apologised to the crowd
0:06:35 > 0:06:38and took himself to the VA hospital.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40He apologised!
0:06:40 > 0:06:44"I'm terribly sorry, I appear to have fired a gun into my rectum.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48"I've literally put a cap in my ass.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52"Enjoy the film. I'm in real trouble."
0:06:52 > 0:06:55I love the fact that he drove himself to the hospital.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58He's just fired a shot there. Imagine the poor nurses.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Imagine trying to keep a straight face when he tells you what happened.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05"You did what? Did you? Shot in the bum, yeah?"
0:07:05 > 0:07:07MUMBLES
0:07:07 > 0:07:10"I've got to check some files over here."
0:07:11 > 0:07:15"Mary. You see that man over there?
0:07:15 > 0:07:18"That man's got two arseholes."
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Next up, have you seen the latest pen you can buy?
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Now, Bic must have thought that women have a hard time writing.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36They have launched a line of pens specifically for women.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Yes. They've invented a pen just for ladies.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Are there girls going, "I will not use it unless it's pink"?
0:07:45 > 0:07:49It's ridiculous. All they've done is change the colour.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53They've essentially given a Biro a vajazzle. That's what they've done.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57It's so sexist. What is this advert going to look like? This?
0:07:57 > 0:08:01Hey, you! Yes, you.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Do you struggle with manly pens?
0:08:03 > 0:08:07Well, don't worry your pretty little head about it,
0:08:07 > 0:08:10because we've invented you a brand-new lady pen.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16With new lady pen, I've got time to draw kittens,
0:08:16 > 0:08:19and I still have time to make my husband's dinner.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Thank you, darling.
0:08:21 > 0:08:26If only someone would invent a car that parks itself for me.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28I'm such a stupid bitch.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36So, this is a brand-new bit of the show could Headliners,
0:08:36 > 0:08:38where members of the public persuade me why they
0:08:38 > 0:08:41should be making headlines. So, let's meet our first Headliner.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Hello.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Hello, hello.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- Hello, my friends. What's your name?- Jamie McCartney.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55- Jamie, why do you think you should be in the news? - I should be in the news
0:08:55 > 0:08:57because I'm the artist that made...
0:08:57 > 0:08:58- the Great Wall Of Vagina.- Wow.
0:09:08 > 0:09:09I remember her.
0:09:11 > 0:09:16Is that a guesstimation or are those actual vaginas you've moulded?
0:09:16 > 0:09:21- Yeah, these are casts taken from real people.- From real people?- Yeah.
0:09:23 > 0:09:28She's got very neat... What a mess that is. Jesus.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31That looks like an elephant, whereas that...
0:09:31 > 0:09:33looks like a rabbit's nostril. Excellent.
0:09:33 > 0:09:34How did you persuade them to do that?
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- I'm very charming, that's what it is.- You're very charming?
0:09:37 > 0:09:43- Yes, I'm very charming.- "Man, oh, man, I couldn't help but notice what a lovely vagina you have."
0:09:43 > 0:09:45- Are you on the wall?- No!
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Wouldn't that be great? "I should be in the news because that's me."
0:09:50 > 0:09:52How about you, madam?
0:09:52 > 0:09:55My name's Zoe Ludford-Brooks, and I'm a member of the UK Quidditch team.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59Quidditch. There we are. We are really dealing with two...
0:09:59 > 0:10:00CHEERING
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Somebody booed Quidditch over there. "Oh, I hate imaginary sports."
0:10:08 > 0:10:13Let's stone her Hippogriff. So, who do you play for? Who's your team?
0:10:13 > 0:10:19I play for Avada Keeledavra, which is the team at Keele University, and also the UK team.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23This is an ultimate dilemma between the joyousness of, kind of,
0:10:23 > 0:10:27invented, fabricated sports and a man that has a selection of vaginas.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31I'm going to have to give it to vagina man.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33That's not your actual name, I apologise.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35It's what I'm getting called.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38If you smile at the camera, and I guarantee it will say "Fanny-tastic."
0:10:47 > 0:10:50OK, in Russia, a cartoon is in hot water.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Russia's TV stations are considering banning some of the nation's
0:10:53 > 0:10:56best-loved children's cartoons.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Why? Are they too violent? Are they racist?
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Some argue that Russia's equivalent of Tom and Jerry
0:11:02 > 0:11:05called Nu, Pogodi! is harmful to children.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09That's because the wolf chasing the hare is a smoker.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13They're banning cartoons because the wolf's having a fag?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Like there's five-year-olds, "Why am I smoking? I seen a wolf do it."
0:11:18 > 0:11:21It's ridiculous. Kids aren't stupid. I was a huge fan of Transformers when I was little.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24I never had a chat with a lorry.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26"All right, Optimus?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28"Someone's quiet today."
0:11:29 > 0:11:32My mum, "Oh, God, Russell's talking to the lorry again."
0:11:32 > 0:11:35"Shh, Mum's onto us, Optimus.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38"I'll see you later, my friend."
0:11:38 > 0:11:41I never stroked a lorry, I should point out.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Mind you, it isn't just smoking that's upsetting people.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Cheburashka and his friend the crocodile have also come under fire
0:11:48 > 0:11:53from conservative groups for having homoerotic overtones.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54What, indeed.
0:11:54 > 0:11:59They are worried that a wolf and a crocodile might have a gay relationship.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03Christ, if they think that's homoerotic, they should watch Big Cook, Little Cook.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Be careful, Ben!
0:12:05 > 0:12:06Oh!
0:12:08 > 0:12:09Oh, no!
0:12:09 > 0:12:13Don't worry, Ben, I'll just lick it up.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14Mm. Hee-hee!
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Now, what I want to know...
0:12:30 > 0:12:32It's the joy, isn't it? It's the joy.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36What I want to know, why would a wolf have a gay relationship with a crocodile?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Think about it, it would be the scariest blow job ever, wouldn't it?
0:12:39 > 0:12:42I'll huff and I'll puff...
0:12:42 > 0:12:44and I'll blow you till your eyes pop.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55It's so stupid. What do these bigots want this cartoon to look like? This?
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Hello, Mr Wolf.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Mr Wolf has stopped smoking,
0:13:00 > 0:13:02which means he can get more air into his lungs...
0:13:02 > 0:13:05BREATHES DEEPLY
0:13:05 > 0:13:08..which gives him more energy for gay bashing.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10Go on, Mr Wolf!
0:13:18 > 0:13:23Next up, over in Serbia, a story about the freakiest headstone ever.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27Grieving 72-year-old Milan Marinkovic wanted to fulfil his wife Milena's
0:13:27 > 0:13:29last request not to be forgotten,
0:13:29 > 0:13:32by having her likeness carved on her grave.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36Oh, isn't that sweet? It's the sweetest thing I've ever heard.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41So, what did he put on her grave? A lovely picture of her face?
0:13:41 > 0:13:45It wasn't her face the dying woman wanted her husband to remember the most.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47It was her vagina.
0:13:52 > 0:13:57She's got a cast of her vagina on her grave?!
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Very ni-i-ice.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09I love the fact it was her idea. Just on her deathbed. "Do...do...
0:14:09 > 0:14:13"Will you do one thing for me when I die? Just one thing.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15"You couldn't put my growler on a grave, could you?"
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Wouldn't it be awful if she didn't actually want this?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21If it turned out the husband was deaf
0:14:21 > 0:14:25and she was just a massive fan of a bloke called Mike Hunt?
0:14:25 > 0:14:29"I want Mike Hunt on my grave.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32"Me and Mike Hunt together for ever.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35"Do you know, I want people to stare all day at me and Mike Hunt."
0:14:37 > 0:14:42She's got a vagina on her grave! Do you know who I feel sorry for?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Her grandchildren. "Do you want to visit your nan's grave?" "No!"
0:14:48 > 0:14:52They'll be so freaked out. "Mum, what's that?"
0:14:52 > 0:14:57"Um, well, um, that's a butterfly with an afro."
0:14:59 > 0:15:03Christ, what's his gravestone going to look like? This?
0:15:06 > 0:15:12This is an amazing story. Have a look what's been going on in Peru.
0:15:12 > 0:15:17There's a local mayor in Peru - I believe the town is called Huarmey -
0:15:17 > 0:15:19his name is Jose Benitez
0:15:19 > 0:15:23and he has decided that the water in his town
0:15:23 > 0:15:25is making the town gay.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28The water is making people gay.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31You shouldn't laugh, he's right.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34I've been there. And the water is powerful stuff.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40Ah.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45AHHHH!
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Now, this IS good news.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:00 > 0:16:02I was so bendy that day.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Hello, my friend. What's your name?
0:16:09 > 0:16:15- Hi, I'm Tara and I am the UK's top horse hairdresser.- Horse hairdresser?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- Fantastic. What does that entail? - Basically...
0:16:18 > 0:16:21LAUGHTER
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Basically, you can add special colours to their hair.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27If a girl wants to design a pony, for example.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- Or you can make their tail much more thick, curly.- Lovely.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32How about you, mate? Why do you think you should be in the news?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- What's your name, first of all? - My name is Joe.
0:16:35 > 0:16:40I should be in the news because I am the greatest Star Wars fan in the universe.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Yoto. Yoto.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53What?
0:16:53 > 0:16:54LAUGHTER AUDIENCE: Ohhh!
0:16:54 > 0:16:58You should say, "Because I'm holding a thermal detonator."
0:16:58 > 0:16:59Hm.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Ha-ha! Nice. You can't say you're the biggest fan
0:17:02 > 0:17:04and not know what they say in Jabba's Palace.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08- C-3PO says that.- He doesn't.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11When Leia is dressed up as the spy to get fucking Han Solo
0:17:11 > 0:17:17out of that carbonite, she says, "Why should I listen to you?
0:17:17 > 0:17:18and he goes, "Yoto. Yoto."
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- Because I'm holding a thermal detonator.- C-3PO says that bit.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25- No, no, no, no! - Yes. C-3PO translates it.
0:17:25 > 0:17:30- He translates, but the subtitles say that.- No, it doesn't.- Yes, it does.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- It says...- Are you watching the remastered ones or something?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35I'm not watching the remastered ones.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Let's have a fight.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Have you got a spare... Can I have a go on that? Have you got one?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Oh, shit!
0:17:47 > 0:17:49He's got moves.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50Shall I make the noise?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52LIGHTSABER BUZZES
0:17:52 > 0:17:53All right, all right!
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Jesus.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02"But I wanted to go into town and pick up a power converter!"
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I'm going to slap you.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12I like that move that you do, that one. Awesome.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Oh, yes!
0:18:13 > 0:18:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:18 > 0:18:19Amazing.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Sit yourself down, you're going to do yourself a mischief.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27That was fantastic. There you go.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Well, I'm going to have to give it to you
0:18:28 > 0:18:30because I'm a huge fan of the Star Wars films.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34I'm sorry. Point your face there. Smile. There you go.
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Give it up for my Headliner!
0:18:35 > 0:18:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:41 > 0:18:46Over in the US, have you seen the latest way they're trying to stop drink-driving?
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Talking urinals have been introduced in the US
0:18:48 > 0:18:51to encourage men not to drink and drive.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Talking toilets.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56"I was going to get shitfaced, but the toilet fairy said no."
0:18:59 > 0:19:03It gets weirder. For some reason, they only have female voices.
0:19:11 > 0:19:16- SLURRED:- "Why don't you do yourself a favour and drink my piss, you moany bitch?"
0:19:16 > 0:19:18"Yeah?!
0:19:18 > 0:19:21"You don't know me!"
0:19:21 > 0:19:24How weird would that phone call be?
0:19:24 > 0:19:30"Hello? You need to pick me up. Why? Because the toilet told me.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34"Yeah. The toilet says I'm a danger to society."
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Not that the toilet is always polite.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Check this out, it's brilliant.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Check out the most risque track on this party playlist.
0:19:44 > 0:19:45Don't drive drunk.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49If you do and you get arrested, the next urinal you pee in
0:19:49 > 0:19:51will be in jail, with a hairy guy named Bubba standing behind,
0:19:51 > 0:19:54asking you to pick up the soap and to be his bitch.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07How full-on is that? What if you're not even drinking?
0:20:07 > 0:20:10You're just having a wee and the toilet is like,
0:20:10 > 0:20:11"You're going to get raped!"
0:20:11 > 0:20:12"Eh?!
0:20:12 > 0:20:15"I'm just drinking J2O!"
0:20:15 > 0:20:17It's mad. Apparently... This is even weirder.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20..they're going to have male voices in the ladies. Never going to work.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22You just know somebody in the factory
0:20:22 > 0:20:24will programme it to say this.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Giggedy.
0:20:28 > 0:20:33You know they're doing that. It's the first thing you do.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Did you hear about this?
0:20:35 > 0:20:39The government are looking to recruit a brand-new breed of spy.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42A new scheme to recruit apprentice cyber spies has been
0:20:42 > 0:20:43launched by the government.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Up to 100 18-year-olds will be given the chance
0:20:46 > 0:20:48to train for a career in the Secret Service.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51We're going to have 18-year-old spies.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55"Ah, Mr Bond, I've been expecting you."
0:20:55 > 0:20:56"Whatever, slaphead."
0:21:01 > 0:21:04"Stop stroking your cat, you look like a paedo."
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Imagine them getting interrogated.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10"Where have you been?" "Nowhere."
0:21:10 > 0:21:13"Who were you with?" "No-one."
0:21:13 > 0:21:15"Who do you work for?"
0:21:15 > 0:21:16"Nando's."
0:21:18 > 0:21:21They'll be awful. Imagine them with Bond girls.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22"Your name's Pussy Galore?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24"Is that because you've got a massive fanny?"
0:21:29 > 0:21:31They'd be terrible with gadgets.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35You give an 18-year-old a laser, he won't use it to spy with.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Next up, this story is unbelievable.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Someone stole his penis!
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?
0:22:03 > 0:22:05The tooth fairy has fucking lost it!
0:22:09 > 0:22:14"I'm fed up of teeth. From now on, I shall be known as the Knob Goblin!"
0:22:22 > 0:22:24He had his penis stolen!
0:22:24 > 0:22:27So, who actually took it?
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Was it his wife, was it a scorned lover? Oh, no.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37Four men! Four men!
0:22:37 > 0:22:39How big was his dick?
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Four men!
0:22:44 > 0:22:48"Terry, Terry, get a lorry. This monster's got some girth!"
0:22:48 > 0:22:52IMITATES REVERSING LORRY BEEPS
0:22:52 > 0:22:57My favourite part of the story is definitely this bloke's reaction.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01It's sick for anybody to steal someone's penis. That's their penis.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04It's not yours, it's their penis, it belongs on their body.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08You have your own penis. You come with your own penis, man.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10You don't go around stealing people's penis, man.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12That's a no-no, man. That's how you get killed.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20I love that quote on the end.
0:23:20 > 0:23:25"Don't steal a man's penis, that's how you get killed." No, it isn't.
0:23:25 > 0:23:30Nobody has ever been murdered for stealing a dick.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34I've seen many episodes of Miss Marple. Not once...
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Not once did you have, "Cause of death?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39"He was a cock snatcher!
0:23:40 > 0:23:43"Check his pockets, they're stuffed full of dick."
0:23:48 > 0:23:52My favourite animal story of the year was definitely the Essex lion.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- A lion on the loose.- A lion on the loose.- Lion on the loose.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Pawing itself, it was rolling over.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00- Were you frightened?- No.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04No. One bloke was.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12What did the lion turn out to be?
0:24:12 > 0:24:16He's called Teddy Bear and he's a Maine Coon cat,
0:24:16 > 0:24:18which are bigger than your average cats.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20It was a cat.
0:24:20 > 0:24:26Mind you, if a lion does ever go to Essex, I think we all know where we want to see it.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Shut up.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28ROAR
0:24:28 > 0:24:31CHEERING
0:24:34 > 0:24:38Did you see this fantastic story about a pissed businessman?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41We can all get a bit disorientated at Tube stations,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44but one Japanese businessman has been filmed trying,
0:24:44 > 0:24:49for a whole two minutes, to walk down an escalator the wrong way.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04I love it. I love the fact he was going for two minutes.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08"Why won't my feet work?"
0:25:08 > 0:25:11I also love the response of Londoners.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15Shall we help him?" "Nah. Let's put him on YouTube!"
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Imagine him the next morning.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21"It's really weird, it's like I've got a hangover in my legs."
0:25:23 > 0:25:27Mind you, if you think that's shocking, have a look at this.
0:25:27 > 0:25:3124-year-old Minhee Cho visited her local New York Papa John's
0:25:31 > 0:25:32for a Friday night dinner.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35What she got was casual racism.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Cho noticed the receipt she received with her order gave her name as
0:25:38 > 0:25:40"lady chinky eyes".
0:25:43 > 0:25:48"Lady chinky eyes"? Who works there, Nick Griffin?
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Mind you, they are bastards. Look what I got when I went there.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05- What's your name?- My name's Apes.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Apes. A-P-E-S?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10How are YOU, mate?
0:26:10 > 0:26:13- What's your name?- Tim.- Would you ever dress up like that, Tim?
0:26:14 > 0:26:16I'll tell you afterwards.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING
0:26:18 > 0:26:22So, why do you think you should be in the news, you silver fox?
0:26:22 > 0:26:26I should be in the news because instead of boiling your carrots
0:26:26 > 0:26:29to death this Christmas just to get some orange on your plate,
0:26:29 > 0:26:32you can now play Christmas carols with them.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Like this.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39HE PLAYS "DING DONG MERRILY ON HIGH"
0:26:39 > 0:26:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:49 > 0:26:53Am I awake? What is happening? What are you doing, man?
0:26:53 > 0:26:56You're playing a carrot like it's a flute.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58- I am playing a carrot, yeah.- Why?
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Because that's what a carrot is for.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04What else would you do with it?
0:27:04 > 0:27:06There's many things you could do with that carrot.
0:27:06 > 0:27:07APES LAUGHS
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Dirty bitch.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Thanks a lot for watching Good News.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Until the next series, enjoy yourselves
0:27:16 > 0:27:18and have a wonderful Christmas. Farewell, my friends.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd