0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains adult humour and some strong language from the start.
0:00:21 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Hello. OK. Thank you very much.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Hello. Hello. Hello.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40- LAUGHS - Stop it!
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Hello and welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?
0:00:44 > 0:00:48In political news, Nick Clegg threatened to orgasm live on TV.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Um, over halfway...
0:00:50 > 0:00:52AUDIENCE GROANS
0:00:52 > 0:00:57Is it me, or does Sarah Hewson read like a six-year-old girl?
0:00:57 > 0:01:00If you missed any of the interviews,
0:01:00 > 0:01:03they are all on the Sky News iPad app already.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Now, here's a question for you.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Did anyone else see that bloke on Newsnight drawing on his cock?
0:01:09 > 0:01:12It's gone down but more people are drifting away from it.
0:01:12 > 0:01:18BBC Spotlight interviewed the most Bristolian man EVER.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21We was in Dunkirk, and all that, so we had the spirit
0:01:21 > 0:01:23and, y'know, were transported over.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29And, finally, did anyone else see that reporter turn to stone?
0:01:29 > 0:01:32They say Catholic schools leave room for the Holy Ghost.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Anyway, there is a lot of memories to get out.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38MUSIC: "Tubular Bells" as Exorcist Theme by Mike Oldfield
0:01:38 > 0:01:41VOICES DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC
0:01:44 > 0:01:46APPLAUSE
0:01:50 > 0:01:54So, what's been going on? I tell you what, the weather's been shocking!
0:01:54 > 0:01:56The worst storm in more than 30 years.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Parts of the UK were battered with more heavy rain...
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Trees blown down...
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Flats on the brink of collapse.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Whole streets were flooded! Some people cried.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Others did this.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Yeah! Flooded!
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-ey!
0:02:17 > 0:02:22Yey! It's a good job it wasn't a fire! Let's have a barbecue!
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Not that Sky were any better.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Did they focus on the destruction, the heartache? No!
0:02:30 > 0:02:32They showed THIS!
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Our cameraman went out and spotted a little family
0:02:35 > 0:02:38of water voles nestling on a stone bridge.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39- AUDIENCE:- Aw!
0:02:39 > 0:02:44Don't, "Aw"! "My life is ruined." "Yeah, but look at his face!
0:02:46 > 0:02:51- "He's a water vole." - GIBBERS
0:02:51 > 0:02:52It's madness!
0:02:52 > 0:02:55If you're going to show animals in the flood,
0:02:55 > 0:02:56SURELY you pick these two!
0:02:59 > 0:03:01If you're doing it, do it properly.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Mind you, if you think that's bad,
0:03:03 > 0:03:05look what one of them found in the river.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Do you know who I feel sorry for when it rains? Reporters.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Do they have them in the studio, nice and warm,
0:03:15 > 0:03:17talking about the weather?
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Oh, no.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21This would normally be one of the busiest streets in York -
0:03:21 > 0:03:22a hive of activity.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26Did you see what happened to the sea in Aberdeen?
0:03:26 > 0:03:30The sea is churning up what appears to be sort of comedy foam.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34Christ, I haven't seen stuff that white and scary since this!
0:03:34 > 0:03:35Be careful, Ben!
0:03:41 > 0:03:46Now, here in Britain, JK Rowling has picked up her pen once more.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49JK Rowling is perhaps the most famous living writer in the world.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Now, she's opening a new chapter
0:03:51 > 0:03:56in her literary life with her first novel aimed at an adult audience.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59A book for adults?! That's going to freak out the kids, isn't it?
0:03:59 > 0:04:04"Ron moaned as he took Hermione up the Gryffindor.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13"If only she'd worked harder on her Defence against the Dark Arts.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19"Meanwhile, Harry had caught the Snitch.
0:04:19 > 0:04:24"He vowed he would never again sleep with a prostitute."
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Have you seen what it's called?
0:04:32 > 0:04:36The Casual Vacancy is a story set in a small English town.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38The Casual Vacancy?!
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Surely if she's going to write an adult book,
0:04:40 > 0:04:42she should have gone for this.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50There's more.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59Or my personal favourite.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13AS DOBBY: Mr Harry should never have given me a sock!
0:05:17 > 0:05:20And the big sporting story of the week was this.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Chelsea captain John Terry has been banned for four matches
0:05:23 > 0:05:26and fined £220,000
0:05:26 > 0:05:29for racially abusing the QPR defender Anton Ferdinand.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Well, that's taught him a lesson, hasn't it(?)
0:05:32 > 0:05:35He racially abused a black footballer and all that happens -
0:05:35 > 0:05:38he gets fined a week's wages and given a two-week holiday.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41What next? Ten minutes on the naughty step?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43It's insane. Imagine that in your work.
0:05:43 > 0:05:48Imagine having a job where you get a holiday if you're racist?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Boss, I really need Christmas off.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54"I'm sorry, Russ, we just can't spare you." Oh, please.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Oh, come on.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Oh, me love you long time.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04"Oh, go on, then. Go on then.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06"Off you go."
0:06:11 > 0:06:15The big health news was all about a show on Channel 4.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18What does ecstasy actually do to the brain?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Tonight, no politics, no propaganda,
0:06:21 > 0:06:24just the unvarnished scientific truth.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27We show you what happens when a group of volunteers
0:06:27 > 0:06:31is given 83 milligrams of specially prepared ecstasy.
0:06:31 > 0:06:37They give people MDMA live on telly. Some people loved it.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40It's like everything wonderful and good about a person you see.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41Aw!
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Others, not so sure.
0:06:57 > 0:07:02Fisting?! Jesus! No wonder ravers pull faces like this!
0:07:05 > 0:07:10Did you watch the show? The guests were so dull. MPs, priests...
0:07:10 > 0:07:14Surely if you're going to give anyone ecstasy live on telly,
0:07:14 > 0:07:15you pick this guy.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Wouldn't that be amazing? Imagine him on drugs!
0:07:19 > 0:07:22He's pretty strange when he's sober.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25So I'd certainly say, "Oh, no, turn right. Watch the chickens."
0:07:25 > 0:07:27MIMICS CHICKEN
0:07:27 > 0:07:30TARZAN YELL
0:07:30 > 0:07:31Another thing that was annoying,
0:07:31 > 0:07:33they only showed them when they were high.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Channel 4 missed a trick. They should have shown THIS the next day.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40SOBBING
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Oh...
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Now, it wasn't just the guests getting high.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Did you read about Jon Snow?
0:08:00 > 0:08:05Imagine driving on acid. How scary would that be? "Oh....
0:08:07 > 0:08:10"Oh...the world is shrinking.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13"I've just seen a Little Chef."
0:08:19 > 0:08:23So where did Jon Snow's binge take place? Was it in a crack den?
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Was it backstage with Pete Doherty?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28No, I'd argue this is the most middle-class drug story ever!
0:08:33 > 0:08:36They've spiked the flan, man!
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Who's their dealer? Mr Kipling(?)
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Mind you, it could've been worse. Somebody sprinkled vol-au-vents
0:08:45 > 0:08:47with acid and turned this guy into a goat.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55BELLOWS LIKE A GOAT
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Next up... God, I love this story, right?
0:09:01 > 0:09:04You probably knew that George Michael was in a coma this year.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05But I bet you didn't know this.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16Oh, I can't tell you how much I wanted to see that.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Imagine the moment he came round? "Are you OK, George?"
0:09:19 > 0:09:20- WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:- "OK?
0:09:20 > 0:09:24"Oi feel great. Lush, you daft bugalug."
0:09:24 > 0:09:26It would have been AMAZING.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28But I think the reason why I love this story so much
0:09:28 > 0:09:31is because of the reaction of the hospital staff.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34WOMAN QUOTES: "My doctors were worried that I had this condition."
0:09:34 > 0:09:36This is incredible, right.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Look at what the doctors screamed
0:09:38 > 0:09:40when they heard his Bristolian accent.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44"They were saying, 'Oh, my god, he's got brain damage.'"
0:09:46 > 0:09:47He's got brain damage.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Christ, let's hope this bloke NEVER goes there.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54We was in Dunkirk and all that. We had the spirit...
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Mind you, George's accent is nothing.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59You should've seen the time my nan woke from a coma.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02MONITOR BEEPS
0:10:02 > 0:10:06MALE WEST INDIAN VOICE: Wha' go' on?
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Me a feel better, man.
0:10:09 > 0:10:16Oh, please tell me, I have missed the new series of Downton Abbey?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18I taped it.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Ah, Ras Tafari!
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Some cracking stories about pensioners in the news.
0:10:29 > 0:10:34First up, two sweet old ladies with possibly the dullest hobby ever!
0:10:34 > 0:10:36The Ladies Who Bus, the nickname two women
0:10:36 > 0:10:41have given themselves as they enjoy retirement in their own special way.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Because Jo and Linda have decided they want to travel
0:10:44 > 0:10:47every London bus route from start to finish.
0:10:47 > 0:10:52They're spending their retirement on London buses! "Oh, look a stabbing."
0:10:53 > 0:10:58"Oh, a teenager getting fingered against a bin." "Whey-hey."
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Maybe I'm being cruel. Maybe they've seen some truly incredible sights.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06They even spotted a peach tree growing in an allotment
0:11:06 > 0:11:09and somewhere where you can buy horse manure.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Holy SHIT!
0:11:11 > 0:11:16Did you hear that? A peach tree! A peach tree!
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Horse manure(!)
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Mind you, these old ladies might LOVE public transport
0:11:22 > 0:11:24but they've got NOTHING on this guy.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Oh, right, look at that! A 1953 EA.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33HORN BLARES Oh, my God! Whoo!
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Listen to that horn!
0:11:35 > 0:11:36HORN BLARES
0:11:36 > 0:11:41Oh, my God! Oh, she's beautiful! She is beautiful. Yeah!
0:11:41 > 0:11:42HORN BLARES
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Oh, right! Oh, my. Oh, uh...
0:11:45 > 0:11:46HORN BLARES
0:11:46 > 0:11:49A 302 too!
0:11:49 > 0:11:56Oh, oh, the SNC 52! Oh, my God! Oh, we're going to watch this.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Oh, this is special.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01That... That is joy.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04From trains to androids.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Have a look at the latest technology for pensioners.
0:12:13 > 0:12:21- Aw.- Don't, "Ah!" Poor robots! - ROBOTIC:- "Will I work at NASA?"
0:12:21 > 0:12:25"No, you are going to watch Loose Women with me!"
0:12:26 > 0:12:28"Oh...
0:12:28 > 0:12:31"kill me."
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Mind you, on the flip side,
0:12:33 > 0:12:35let's see dickheads attack pensioners now.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39"Give us your purse, old lady." "Robot, fuck 'im up."
0:12:40 > 0:12:42They don't just protect. Look what else they do.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53I would like to see a robot tell a joke. Wouldn't that be great?
0:12:53 > 0:12:57"Knock knock." "Oh, all right. Who's there?"
0:12:57 > 0:12:59"Nobody, you're lonely."
0:13:04 > 0:13:05ROBOTIC CACKLE
0:13:08 > 0:13:12Mind you, I know one old couple who won't need a robot for company.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13Check out this heart-warmer.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- Aw.- Exactly. It's lovely, isn't it?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Although did you see them interviewed?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Between you and me, I think he's more into her.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27So, all those years ago, was it love at first sight for Jack
0:13:27 > 0:13:30and Roma Emerton from Leyland?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32When I looked into her eyes that was it.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33No.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Not for me. So, why wasn't she sure?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40- Why?- He had ginger hair.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Vicious wench!
0:13:46 > 0:13:50Don't cheer! Don't cheer!
0:13:50 > 0:13:53He's expressing his undying love and she's like,
0:13:53 > 0:13:57"Oh, he were a bloody Fanta pant.
0:13:58 > 0:14:03"Oh, oh, oh, he were like a vole drowned in Tizer. It were...
0:14:06 > 0:14:07"It were..."
0:14:07 > 0:14:08LAUGHS
0:14:08 > 0:14:12"..It were like a squirrel choking on Wotsit after Wotsit."
0:14:13 > 0:14:17Mind you, if you think she's harsh - check out this lunatic!
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Police say Audrey Dean Miller was arguing with her husband
0:14:20 > 0:14:24and when he threatened to shoot their cat with a pellet gun, well,
0:14:24 > 0:14:26she pulled out something a little bit bigger -
0:14:26 > 0:14:30a 40 calibre semi-automatic handgun - and shot him in the stomach.
0:14:30 > 0:14:35Oh, yes! She shot him. Apparently the cat couldn't believe it.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40I want to know why shoot a cat?
0:14:40 > 0:14:42If you're annoyed with the cat, you don't need a gun!
0:14:42 > 0:14:44All you need is a paddling pool!
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Grrr!
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Big news in the world of politics this week was this.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57Coming to a screen near you - Ed Miliband, the Movie.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Ed Miliband, the Movie! I've seen a sneak preview.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14You've never seen action like this before!
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Ed Miliband in...
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Still, it's not the film I want to see.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41There'll be a mystery guest who's been in the news.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45I have to figure out who that person is. Please welcome my mystery guest.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:52 > 0:15:56- Hello. How are you doing?- Very well.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00- I'm Russell. Nice to meet you. - I'm Rachel.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- Hello. Rachel?- Yes.- I'm Frankie. - Hello, Frankie, nice to meet you.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Excellent. R-r-r-right! OK.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08You don't appear to have bottoms on.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12And sort of ballet dresses. Is that a bit of ballet going on?
0:16:12 > 0:16:16- Maybe.- Maybe.- Something similar. - Something similar to ballet?- Yeah.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20Er, and what's that? Is that cocaine? Can we see it?
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- Are you the most hyperactive ballerinas in Europe?- Yeah.- Um...
0:16:23 > 0:16:27- Maybe there's something in the other locker.- What? This locker here?
0:16:27 > 0:16:29- Yeah, maybe try that. - Jesus, Warwick Davis!
0:16:30 > 0:16:35We've got... What's this caper here?
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Whenever I see stuff like that, I imagine... This is quite rude.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40I imagine this is what happens when a clown ejaculates.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47INDISTINCT COMMENT
0:16:47 > 0:16:51Right. Can I have some other clues other than this?
0:16:51 > 0:16:53- Yeah.- There's a flag. Are you Olympic athletes?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55- Yes, we are.- Are you really? Fantastic. Excellent.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Well, one cheer.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59CHEERING
0:17:01 > 0:17:02Um... Um...
0:17:02 > 0:17:07Um, you weren't the Swedish girls that got it on with Usain Bolt?
0:17:07 > 0:17:11- Er, no, sorry.- You looked genuinely disappointed.- Fortunately not, no.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15- You're gymnasts.- Yes.- Why have you been in the news specifically?
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Um, because we were the first team
0:17:17 > 0:17:20to get to the Olympics from Great Britain for rhythmic gymnastics.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Awesome. So there you go.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:27 > 0:17:29What? What? What? Yes, by all means.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32But one quick question. I just found this in the locker.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- LAUGHTER - Explain yourself, ladies.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- Is this for me?- No.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- Why are they...? What are those? - WOMAN:- Put them over your jeans!
0:17:41 > 0:17:44- Put them over my jeans?- They're not ours.- No? Why are they in there?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Well, they're there.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- Can I keep these for my friend Carl? - Yes.- Excellent.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52He's a renowned pervert.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56- You'll have these, won't you? - Yeah.- Yeah. There you go.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Look at the camera, say, "I'm a pervert" and you can have them.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00I'm a pervert.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02LAUGHTER
0:18:09 > 0:18:12All right. Um, what smashing blouses, you look wonderful.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16- Thank you.- Um, this feels like the weirdest speed date ever.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Tell me about rhythmic gymnastics. What happens?
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Basically most people know about the gymnastics with the flips
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- and the tumbles. - Yeah.- We're more artistic.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27We dance with music and we have to be expressive.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30We're actually in a team and we throw the apparatus to each other.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34What was the Olympic Village like? Were lots of shenanigans going on?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Apparently thousands of condoms are handed out. Is that right?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40- That's correct.- Yeah. Pretty much.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Every sport? I'm not sure chess is in the Olympics
0:18:42 > 0:18:46but I can't imagine someone going, "I'll take a couple of these."
0:18:46 > 0:18:49- Are we going to have a go? I'd quite like to have a go.- Yeah. Yeah.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51- First we'll see a clip of us in action.- Awesome.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54MUSIC: "Dancing Song" by Little Comets
0:19:03 > 0:19:05# This one's for dancing. #
0:19:05 > 0:19:07APPLAUSE
0:19:07 > 0:19:10WOLF WHISTLING
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Here we... Here we are.
0:19:14 > 0:19:19Um... Um, I found this backstage, thought I'd wear it.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- At first you need to put the stick in the middle of your hand.- Yup.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26And then put your finger on the end.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30We're going to do a thing called snakes. So you push it side to side.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32- That's it. That's not bad. - That's all right, isn't it?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- Try and go a little bit quicker. - Quicker? Oh, look at your snakes!
0:19:37 > 0:19:38Hang on, why is mine pink?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42OK, you're quite good. We'll try something harder.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46- We'll have a go with the ball. - Sweet.- Can you give me that?- Yeah.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48Nice.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53OK, so to begin with we're going to put it on the back of our neck.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- OK.- Lean forward slightly.- Yup.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57And roll it down the back and catch behind.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59LAUGHTER
0:19:59 > 0:20:00- Almost. Once more.- Yup.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03- And roll.- Right, lovely.- That's it. Right, you're good at that.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- Yeah. Yeah. - So hold it in one hand.- Yeah.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Throw it up and catch it in one hand.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Oh, that's easy.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16- Now you're going to throw it, sit down, catch it in your knees.- Lovely!
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Oh, I've never wanted to be a ball more in my life! There we go.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:29 > 0:20:31- OK, so you've got the hang of that. - Yes.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33- So we're going to try it with music now.- Lovely!
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- So you're going to follow us.- Yup. - But if not, just freestyle.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38GUFFAWS
0:20:38 > 0:20:42- Lovely.- So, um, girls?- Girls?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44APPLAUSE
0:20:44 > 0:20:45So just stand there.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48OK.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51SEXY MUSIC PLAYS
0:20:59 > 0:21:01WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:21:10 > 0:21:12I've got a problem. All right, what are we doing?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16APPLAUSE
0:21:21 > 0:21:23What have I got to do?
0:21:23 > 0:21:25I can do that one.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34- Yey! - APPLAUSE
0:21:34 > 0:21:35Wonderful!
0:21:39 > 0:21:41That was fantastic! Well done.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guests!
0:21:45 > 0:21:48CHEERING
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Some bizarre crime stories in the news.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56First up is a burglar on the loose.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Residents in these East Orlando apartment complexes
0:21:58 > 0:22:02have their guard up around the clock these days.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04For several weeks,
0:22:04 > 0:22:07a man who resembles this composite sketch has invaded their apartments
0:22:07 > 0:22:12through locked and unlocked doors or windows seeming to want one thing.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16(Shit! What does he want?)
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Good conversation.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19"Hello!"
0:22:21 > 0:22:25He's breaking into their house for a chat. What? Yeah, exactly.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27He's the loneliest criminal in the world.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30- "Hello." - MIMICS GUN COCKING
0:22:31 > 0:22:34"Would you like to play Scrabble with me?"
0:22:36 > 0:22:38It must've been great when he was arrested.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40"You have the right to remain silent." "Oh..."
0:22:43 > 0:22:44There may be some of you who think,
0:22:44 > 0:22:47"Russell, he still sounds terrifying." He is NOT!
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Listen to what happened when he broke into one woman's house.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53She simply told him to leave and he left.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56"Fuck off!" "OK.
0:22:57 > 0:22:58"Bye."
0:22:58 > 0:23:03- AUDIENCE:- Aw.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05"All I wanted was a chat but...
0:23:05 > 0:23:07"I suppose I'll just go home.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12"# All by myself
0:23:12 > 0:23:15"# Don't want to be... #"
0:23:16 > 0:23:19I feel a bit sorry for him. I mean, let's be honest,
0:23:19 > 0:23:23there are definitely worse people to break into your house.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Have a look at what this guy's been up to.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Officers say that he would break into homes in his neighbourhood,
0:23:29 > 0:23:31watch porn and then leave.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Now, THAT is a danger wank.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40He went in and stole nothing. He just watched porn on their laptops.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43He's like some kind of pervert Goldilocks.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45This porn was too soft.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49CHUCKLES
0:23:49 > 0:23:54This porn was too hard but THIS porn was JUST RIGHT!
0:23:55 > 0:23:59It's such a weird hobby, watching porn on other people's computers.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01I bet there were some brilliant arguments before they caught him.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Someone went, "Good day at work, Geoff?" "Yeah."
0:24:04 > 0:24:06"Oh, yeah, really? According to our internet history,
0:24:06 > 0:24:12"somebody has been watching Muggle Juggle 4 Backdoor Dumbledore!"
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Apparently it wasn't just porn. According to the police,
0:24:16 > 0:24:20he would also swing his penis around in front of the poor family's pets.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Finally tonight, a story about a little girl called Rachel Beckwith
0:24:35 > 0:24:37and how even the worst possible tragedy
0:24:37 > 0:24:39can bring about something positive.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42SOMBRE PIANO MUSIC
0:25:06 > 0:25:09# Rachel's voice
0:25:10 > 0:25:14# Like the river's voice
0:25:15 > 0:25:19# For a mother's love... #
0:25:35 > 0:25:36It's six in the morning
0:25:36 > 0:25:39and we're about to go see some of Rachel's wells.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46LOCAL PEOPLE SINGING
0:25:46 > 0:25:49RHYTHMIC CLAPPING
0:25:51 > 0:25:53I am Richard. I am Rachel's grandfather.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56I really wish Rachel could be here today.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Because first of all, Rachel would think that this is probably
0:25:59 > 0:26:02the neatest thing she'd ever seen in her entire life.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04APPLAUSE
0:26:42 > 0:26:45- Pretty lovely, eh? Thanks. - APPLAUSE
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Thanks very much for watching Good News. Good night.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Farewell.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd