0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29CHEERING
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Hello.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33So...
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Hello, and welcome to Good News. So what's been happening?
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Well, Eamonn Holmes told us what he thought of pensioners.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41I don't mind them as long as they don't poo.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43LAUGHTER
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Did anyone else see that reporter have an argument with himself?
0:00:47 > 0:00:49You're a douchebag. No, you are.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52No, your mother is. Don't talk about Mummy that way.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Now, is it me,
0:00:54 > 0:00:58or do the Ipswich town have a really complicated car share system?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00He'll pick me up, I'll pick him up,
0:01:00 > 0:01:02someone else will pick me up, I'll pick them up.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05The players pick you up, we've got to pick the player up. That's how it is.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08Just get a bus!
0:01:10 > 0:01:12And finally, the BBC asked this bloke
0:01:12 > 0:01:14what the best programme on telly was.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15I think it's good news.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17- There we go. - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:23 > 0:01:27The big political news in Britain was all about one man.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Boris de Pfeffel Johnson. Fresh from his summer
0:01:30 > 0:01:33of Olympic, Paralympic and mayoral election success,
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Boris arrived to a circus of cameras and reporters
0:01:36 > 0:01:38normally reserved for rock stars.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42He was surrounded by a Boris-mania media circus.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45The last time I saw anyone get this sort of reception
0:01:45 > 0:01:48was when Muhammad Ali arrived. "Boris, Boris, we love you, Boris!"
0:01:48 > 0:01:49Crazy!
0:01:49 > 0:01:52LAUGHTER
0:01:52 > 0:01:55The country has gone Boris "crazy"!
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Did you see his conference speeches?
0:01:57 > 0:02:01He was amazing. Now, most MPs talk about policies. Not Boris.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04He talked about what he wants in his lunchbox.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Every single chocolate HobNob in the world!
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Then he did an impression of a really happy Rasta.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- He looked and he said... - DEEP VOICE:- "Very nice!"
0:02:20 > 0:02:24But that is nothing on his plans for next summer.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27One thing that we have considered extensively
0:02:27 > 0:02:28is a politician's Olympics,
0:02:28 > 0:02:31where you'd have Jeremy Hunt wanging the bell-end...
0:02:31 > 0:02:34LAUGHTER
0:02:34 > 0:02:36APPLAUSE
0:02:43 > 0:02:46"Jeremy Hunt wanging the bell-end?!"
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Very nice!
0:02:49 > 0:02:53Ha-ha! Now... I'll tell you who hasn't had
0:02:53 > 0:02:57a "very nice, very nice" week - this fella.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01The big news this morning is that the Prime Minister is now a tweeter.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05David Cameron is now on Twitter. Here's his first tweet.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Here's the first response.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:03:23 > 0:03:27Staying in politics, did you see the US presidential debate?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30President Obama lost his first debate
0:03:30 > 0:03:32with Republican Mitt Romney last night.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Romney controlled the conversation,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37and, say many observers, the President let it happen,
0:03:37 > 0:03:39often looking like he didn't even want to be there.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43You're telling me! Did you see how many times he mumbled?
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Um... Er...
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Er... Uh...
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Er... Er...
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Er... Um...
0:03:51 > 0:03:53I have no idea what you're talking about.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58It's so weird watching Obama struggle. We're just not used to it.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01It's like seeing Lady Gaga just wearing a cardigan.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04"Dress-down Tuesday."
0:04:05 > 0:04:08What makes it weirder, it's normally Romney who cocks up.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11This is a man who during the worst economic slump in years
0:04:11 > 0:04:13says stuff like this.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15I'm not concerned about the very poor.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16I like being able to fire people.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18When I was a boy, I used to think
0:04:18 > 0:04:22that becoming rich and becoming famous would make me happy.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Boy, was I right!
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Boy, are you a dick!
0:04:27 > 0:04:33Luckily for Obama, one political heavyweight got right behind him.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35It's your boy, big Snoop D-O-G-G.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39King of the West Coast and you do know that, you bitch, you.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40Ha-ha!
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Snoop Dogg tweeted a list of reasons
0:04:43 > 0:04:46why people shouldn't vote for Romney, and they are brilliant.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Reason number one.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Number two.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58And my personal favourite.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Obama and Romney are making all the headlines,
0:05:04 > 0:05:07but it's worth pointing out, there are other candidates.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11This guy is without doubt my favourite. Why?
0:05:11 > 0:05:12Because he's written a song.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Mr Supreme, your 30-second closing statement, please.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22MUSIC: "The Birdie Song"
0:05:22 > 0:05:24# My name is Vermin
0:05:24 > 0:05:26# My name is Vermin Vermin Supreme
0:05:26 > 0:05:28# My name is Vermin My name is Vermin
0:05:28 > 0:05:31# My name is Vermin Vermin Vermin Supreme.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34# And you can vote And you can vote
0:05:34 > 0:05:38# And you can vote for me for president if you want to... #
0:05:38 > 0:05:39LAUGHTER
0:05:39 > 0:05:43And, er... OK, thanks very much.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46He is incredible!
0:05:46 > 0:05:47CHEERING
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Obama and Romney are going to fix the economy,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56but will they promise this?
0:06:03 > 0:06:06That's right. He's going to travel back in time, kill Hitler,
0:06:06 > 0:06:10and he's going to do it with a welly on his head!
0:06:10 > 0:06:13And in case that isn't enough, he's got more.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22# I've got small ponies I've got small ponies
0:06:22 > 0:06:24# And they've got tiny little hooves if you like them... #
0:06:26 > 0:06:29People are saying he hasn't got a chance. Nonsense.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31I know one guy who's already a huge fan.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Elsewhere this week, bad news for this fella.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41After a legal battle lasting years and costing millions of pounds,
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Britain's most notorious terrorist suspect, Abu Hamza,
0:06:44 > 0:06:46has lost his last-ditch attempt
0:06:46 > 0:06:48to avoid extradition to the United States.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Or as the Sun put it...
0:06:52 > 0:06:53It wasn't just the Sun.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56People have been taking the piss out of him for years.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01LAUGHTER
0:07:02 > 0:07:05I bet when he was flown to America, even the pilot had a pop.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07"We are five minutes away from landing
0:07:07 > 0:07:12" # If you're happy and you know it clap your... # Ahhhh!"
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Even the animal world slammed him.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Elsewhere this week, an old lady rang a medical hotline,
0:07:25 > 0:07:27and she got more than she bargained for.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Maureen Persi dialled a New Jersey state hotline
0:07:30 > 0:07:32for the elderly, but it got a little too hot.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Why?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38What happened?
0:07:38 > 0:07:40She got some frisky offers for phone sex.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Right. Basically, the medical hotline changed its number,
0:07:44 > 0:07:46they didn't tell anyone,
0:07:46 > 0:07:50and the old number was taken by a phone sex company.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Poor old woman. "Hello, I'm having a stroke."
0:07:54 > 0:07:57"Well, baby, you come to the right place."
0:07:59 > 0:08:03She must've been so confused! "What's that, love?
0:08:03 > 0:08:05"That's right, I AM 69!"
0:08:10 > 0:08:12"You want to do what to my cat?"
0:08:17 > 0:08:20I shouldn't take the mickey. She was not happy.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23It was just so inappropriate and it was not what I was expecting.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25"It was not what I was expecting."
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Mind you, I know one bloke who called the number
0:08:27 > 0:08:29and he had a great time.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Very nice!
0:08:33 > 0:08:36APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:08:36 > 0:08:39To be honest, I don't know what the old lady's moaning about.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42If she thinks she's had a tough week, she should look at this.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Firefighters were called out to rescue a man
0:08:44 > 0:08:48whose head was stuck in a public litter bin in Aberdeen.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51He was stuck in a bin for three hours!
0:08:51 > 0:08:55Three hours! So did the locals try and help him? Oh, no.
0:09:01 > 0:09:06They took photos of him! "Oh, look! Someone's thrown away a grandad!"
0:09:07 > 0:09:09"Let me out!"
0:09:09 > 0:09:12That's the problem with the world today.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14You make one mistake, the whole world knows about it.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17A few years ago, if you had an accident on a trampoline,
0:09:17 > 0:09:20it was between you and your mates. Not any more.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22OK, do it.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27CAMERAMAN LAUGHS
0:09:31 > 0:09:33LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Unbelievable!
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Mind you, a man stuck in a bin has got nothing on this.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53It was a pretty morning on Buckhorn Lake, but there was trouble.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55A squirrel was on the ice
0:09:55 > 0:10:00and something was on his head, like this six-ounce yoghurt cup.
0:10:00 > 0:10:01Over his head!
0:10:01 > 0:10:05This actually made the news. Forget the presidential debate,
0:10:05 > 0:10:09a squirrel has got a yoghurt pot on his head. I love this story.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Look how long the locals watched it for.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14People first noticed the stuck squirrel at 8.30am
0:10:14 > 0:10:16and watched him for 7½ hours.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21How dull must their lives be?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23"Have you seen this?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26"This is the best day of my life."
0:10:26 > 0:10:30"This is better than the time I seen a meerkat in some Wotsits."
0:10:30 > 0:10:32The story gets madder. Look what they did next.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Neighbours feared the worst.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37I called animal control, the police and everything.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39They called the police!
0:10:39 > 0:10:41"A woman's getting mugged."
0:10:41 > 0:10:45"Sod that. We've got a squirrel eating a Muller Light. Go, go, go!"
0:10:45 > 0:10:47So how did they end the report?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Do they show the squirrel safe and well eating a nut in a tree? No!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53They get weirdly philosophical.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55A busy day on Buckhorn Lake, and it also answers
0:10:55 > 0:10:56the age-old burning question.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Is there a God? What happens when we die?
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Do squirrels really like yoghurt?
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- LAUGHTER - Genius!
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Mind you, that squirrel should thank his lucky stars.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09There are worse things that could happen to your face.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Be careful, Ben!
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Over in China, there's been an amazing discovery.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23A TV crew was called to the village of Liucunbu
0:11:23 > 0:11:25after workers drilling a wall shaft
0:11:25 > 0:11:29found what they believed was a rare fungus.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32- So... - LAUGHTER
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Was it a brand-new fungus?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Oh, hell, no!
0:11:36 > 0:11:40It turns out the mushroom was actually a sex toy.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44They found a plastic fanny hammer.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Everybody got time for that!
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Yeah!
0:11:49 > 0:11:51CHEERING
0:11:53 > 0:11:58Remind me to never go to China and order the mushroom risotto.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Imagine the moment they found out.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02"Behold, the rarest fungus known to...
0:12:02 > 0:12:04"Oh, no, it's a dildo."
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Mind you, that story has got nothing on the latest sex craze in America.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Get ready for this. This is a headline you don't see every day.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Wholesome dildos! What are they, I hear you cry?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22I'll let this guy explain.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25I can't believe this Christian sex shop is selling sex toys
0:12:25 > 0:12:29and one of the sex toys is a Baby Jesus butt plug!
0:12:33 > 0:12:35A WHAT?
0:12:35 > 0:12:37A Baby Jesus butt plug!
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Very nice!
0:12:39 > 0:12:41That brings a whole new meaning to the phrase
0:12:41 > 0:12:43"I've been touched by the Lord."
0:12:44 > 0:12:46It's going to change the Nativity.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49We bring gold, frankincense, and brrrrrrrr!
0:12:51 > 0:12:55I hope it doesn't catch on with other religions. Jesus, quite thin.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Imagine trying to get this guy up your arse!
0:12:57 > 0:12:58HE RUSSELL SCREAMS
0:13:00 > 0:13:02It burns!
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Mind you, if you think a religious dildo is weird,
0:13:05 > 0:13:08take a look at this story from Peru.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11There is a local mayor in Peru.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13I believe the town is called Huarmey,
0:13:13 > 0:13:15his name is Jose Benitez,
0:13:15 > 0:13:19and he has decided that the water in his town
0:13:19 > 0:13:21is making the town gay.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25The water is making people gay?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27We shouldn't laugh. He's right.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30I've been there, and the water is powerful stuff.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43HE GROANS
0:13:46 > 0:13:48LAUGHTER
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Now, this IS good news!
0:13:52 > 0:13:54CHEERING
0:13:55 > 0:13:58I was so bendy that day!
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Now the part of the show I don't know anything about.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07There's going to be a mystery guest from the news.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09I have to figure out who that person is.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11So please welcome my mystery guest.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13CHEERING
0:14:21 > 0:14:23- Hello.- Hello.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Look at this! This is lovely. Nice to meet you. I'm Russell.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- Hello, Russell. - How are you? This is wonderful.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- Can I sit down? Is that OK? - Please do.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34- Nice. What's your name? - Jacquie.- Jacquie.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38I could get used to this, Jacquie. There's a lovely smell of leather.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40- That's not you, is it?- No.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43It smells lovely, though. Any clues?
0:14:43 > 0:14:47- Let me see. I travel first class all over the world.- Sweet.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- I stay in five and six-star hotels. - Six star?
0:14:50 > 0:14:53- I didn't know there were six stars. - There's seven stars now.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55- Is there really?- Yes. - What's the difference?- Um...
0:14:55 > 0:14:58How much they grovel, I think.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00- The more grovelling, the higher the star now.- Really?
0:15:00 > 0:15:05- What is grovelling?- Well, you know, you get value for money, don't you?
0:15:05 > 0:15:09- "Please, can I wash your feet?" - You can, while you're down there!
0:15:11 > 0:15:13While I'm down there?!
0:15:13 > 0:15:16- CHEERING - What else am I doing?
0:15:16 > 0:15:22OK, so you stay in fantastic hotels. It has to do with expensive cars.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23Something to do with Formula One?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26No...although I have been to it many times.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29I've been to most of the major events in the world.
0:15:29 > 0:15:35- What, of everything?- Yes, sporting events, festivals, the Oscars.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37OK. Are you a dealer?
0:15:37 > 0:15:38LAUGHTER
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Erm...no!
0:15:46 > 0:15:49- More clues?- Erm...yep.
0:15:49 > 0:15:54I'm one of very, very few females in the world that do what I do.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Catch?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58LAUGHTER
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Oh, oh...
0:16:03 > 0:16:06- You're going to regret that in a minute!- Yeah, I probably am!
0:16:06 > 0:16:09It's mostly men do what I do
0:16:09 > 0:16:12- and I wear a vest to work quite a lot.- Awesome!
0:16:12 > 0:16:16- Kevlar vest.- OK, got you. So are you a bodyguard?
0:16:16 > 0:16:20- Yes.- Are you really?! - Yes.- Awesome stuff!
0:16:20 > 0:16:22- CHEERING - Nice to meet you. Excellent.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25So, um, why exactly are you in the news?
0:16:25 > 0:16:29- Cos I'm the world's top female bodyguard.- How did you get that?
0:16:29 > 0:16:33- I have been doing it, I think, for the longest - over 30 years.- Sweet.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36- What do you make of that film? - Which one?
0:16:36 > 0:16:40- # And I...will always... # - I've got to be fair.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43We don't recommend that you shag the client.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45That's not, you know, the ultimate aim.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- But many celebrities do marry their bodyguards.- Is that right?
0:16:48 > 0:16:51- Yeah.- What celebrities have you looked after?
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- Um, JK Rowling... - Awesome!- ..Diana Ross...
0:16:54 > 0:16:56CHEERING
0:16:56 > 0:17:00- Who?- Diana Ross.- Oh, right. I thought you said Dyno-Rod.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05The bloke that does plumbing. Someone's ordered a hit on him!
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- Diana Ross.- Yep.- What's been the worst day on your job?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- Do you have any kind of shockers? - Um, the worst day, I suppose,
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- was being shot at in Pakistan trying to get a girl out.- That'll do it.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18- Yeah. That was a bit, you know... That wasn't much fun.- Why was that?
0:17:18 > 0:17:21She'd been kidnapped, actually, and taken over there,
0:17:21 > 0:17:23so we'd gone to rescue her and bring her back.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27- How many times have you been shot? - I've never actually been shot.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31I've been shot AT several times, but I've never actually been shot.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33So you're like a really hard, better version of 50 Cent?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37I'm excited about what I'll do in the bodyguard world.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Are we going to have some "Pow-pow"?
0:17:39 > 0:17:44- I'll give you a crash course in how to be a bodyguard.- Let's do this.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46CHEERING
0:17:48 > 0:17:50So here we are in the car.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Not quite Kevin Costner, love, but you are getting there. Right, um...
0:18:02 > 0:18:03What we are going to do is,
0:18:03 > 0:18:06I'm going to pretend to be looking after you.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07I'm going to get you out of the car
0:18:07 > 0:18:11and show you how to look after your principal, how to...
0:18:11 > 0:18:13By "principal", you don't mean my dick?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- You mean a person? - A person.- Right.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20- So am I looking after you?- No, I'll get out, you stay in the car.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- You only get out once I tell you it's safe.- Awesome.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24- So, sit back, relax, chill.- Yep.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28So I get out of the vehicle, I have a look around
0:18:28 > 0:18:31to see whether there is any perceived threat.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33I can't see any at the moment, so, therefore,
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- I beckon to my principle to get out. - Hey, hello.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40CHEERING
0:18:40 > 0:18:45Oh! Cheers for that in the car. You went above and beyond your duty.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51Should there be a threat, we do a thing called body, cover and remove.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Basically, I bend you over.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58I put my body across yours,
0:18:58 > 0:19:00so I take the bullet.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05I'll put you back in the vehicle. Lay across.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08No, no, lay across.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11I'll throw myself on top of you!
0:19:11 > 0:19:13CHEERING
0:19:19 > 0:19:21And then I'll shoot the bad guy.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25# And I...will always... #
0:19:26 > 0:19:29But that didn't happen, so that's fine.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- So, no baddies?- So that's what happens if there's a baddie.- Good.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- I get molested? OK!- But as there isn't a baddie at the moment,
0:19:35 > 0:19:38I'll walk in front of you all the time,
0:19:38 > 0:19:42- cos it's my job to take the bullet, OK?- Yep.- One of the main things
0:19:42 > 0:19:44with celebrities is the paparazzi.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46They are one of the biggest pests
0:19:46 > 0:19:50and threats that we have towards celebrities.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53I'm not being funny, but I think he might be a paparazzi!
0:19:53 > 0:19:58So what you're going to do is, "Move back! You move back out of my face!"
0:19:58 > 0:20:01CHEERING
0:20:02 > 0:20:06Some of the things we have as well, you have the lone gunman,
0:20:06 > 0:20:09you have the nutter, the guy that wants to come at you, wants to...
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Hey...!
0:20:12 > 0:20:16So what you do, you grab this end of the gun.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20Grab this end of the gun, chin him...
0:20:18 > 0:20:20WHACK!
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Important bit.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27- ..knee him in the Golden Triangle. - Yeah, yeah.- No.- Straight in!
0:20:27 > 0:20:29And he's down.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- So you fancy being a bodyguard? - I'd love to, yeah.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- OK, so I've some celebrities for you. - Sweet. Who's the celebs?
0:20:35 > 0:20:40- Well, we've got Justin Bieber... - Yeah.- ..Angelina Jolie...- OK.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44..and we've got Lord Sugar. Who do you fancy keeping alive?
0:20:44 > 0:20:48I like the idea of keeping Angelina Jolie alive.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50CHEERING
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Alan? I've always wanted to do this.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55- You're fired. - LAUGHTER
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Now, if you think there might be a threat,
0:20:58 > 0:21:01you've got to body, cover and remove. Bend her over.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03- Right. - LAUGHTER
0:21:09 > 0:21:13No, otherwise I'll just, you know... Um, I'm in front of you.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- Sorry, Ange, can't allow that. - Deal with the paparazzi.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Oi, fuck off!!
0:21:19 > 0:21:23- Don't touch him! Don't touch him! - I'll go toe-to-toe, yeah?!
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Don't touch him. Good. Excellent.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30Watch out, Ange, between you and me,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33there might be a lone nutter about to burst through the door.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35I am no expert... Oh, my God, there is!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Argh! Argh! Drop it!
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Son of a b!
0:21:41 > 0:21:42CHEERING
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Son of a bitch!
0:21:49 > 0:21:50Kick the gun away.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Take your gun away.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:58 > 0:22:01So do you think I've got what it takes to be a bodyguard?
0:22:01 > 0:22:03To be a government-licensed bodyguard, you need
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- another 150 hours of training. - I've done five minutes.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09You're almost there, but sadly...
0:22:09 > 0:22:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:17 > 0:22:20..sadly, not quite enough to be on my team.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22It would appear so. Give it up for my mystery guest!
0:22:22 > 0:22:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Have you heard the news about the new Bond film?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34It's the classic line we've come to expect in every James Bond film -
0:22:34 > 0:22:39the one that helped define 007's image as a suave secret agent.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41A Martini - shaken not stirred.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45Now, Bond is putting down his Martini glass and grabbing a beer.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Bond's getting beered up!
0:22:48 > 0:22:50That's really going to change the films.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54- SLURRING: - "The name's Bond, James Bond.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57"And I fucking love you."
0:22:57 > 0:22:59It will be awful.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02What if he's one of those guys who spills his soul when he gets drunk?
0:23:02 > 0:23:03Just in the corner.
0:23:03 > 0:23:08"You don't know me. I've done some terrible stuff, right?
0:23:08 > 0:23:10"Don't laugh at me!
0:23:10 > 0:23:12"I killed a dwarf.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18"I put him in a suitcase.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21"I put him in a river."
0:23:25 > 0:23:28"I can't watch Willow any more."
0:23:30 > 0:23:33It's madness! You can't have Bond getting shitfaced.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Think of all the stunts in the film.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Beer doesn't exactly help with your agility.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44RUSSELL MIMICS JAMES BOND THEME
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Oh, dear.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53From Bond, to the dullest magician in the world.
0:23:53 > 0:23:58David Blaine has begun his latest stunt, standing still.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59But this time, he's got a million volts
0:23:59 > 0:24:01shooting through him.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03He got electrocuted for three days.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05The only bolt I want to see hit him is this guy.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Did you watch the coverage?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12As ever, the Americans lost it over it.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15This is beyond impressive. It's really amazing,
0:24:15 > 0:24:20because it is, sort of, that Harry Houdini, sort of...vibe.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24"He's amazing!" My mate Mike? Not so fussed.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27David Blaine? David Blaine?!
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Fucking shite!
0:24:29 > 0:24:32LAUGHTER
0:24:35 > 0:24:37It's true.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39We just don't like the guy.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Remember when he was in a glass box, hanging over the Thames?
0:24:42 > 0:24:45He didn't eat for 44 days. Did people watch him in awe?
0:24:45 > 0:24:46No, they did this.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55We don't want to see him electrocuted,
0:24:55 > 0:24:57we want to see him Tasered. Wouldn't that be great?
0:24:57 > 0:25:00There's nothing funnier than watching someone get Tasered.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05HE SPEAKS SPANISH
0:25:07 > 0:25:09HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM
0:25:09 > 0:25:12- HE IMITATES SCREAM - It's the noise!
0:25:12 > 0:25:16It's the noise! If anything, it's even better in slow motion.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19SIRENLIKE SCREAM
0:25:20 > 0:25:24Next up... Oh, this is beautiful.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Two thieves who thought they'd got away with a furniture haul
0:25:27 > 0:25:32got an unpleasant surprise when their booty disappeared out of their van.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36Yes, they did. They thought they'd nick two sofas. Look what happened.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40The hapless pair, who pilfered two sofas, left the doors wide open,
0:25:40 > 0:25:45allowing store managers to lift them back out before they sped off.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48See ya.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56To end the show, an amazing story about a truly inspiring man.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59The first half of the climb, there were lots of times I was like,
0:25:59 > 0:26:01"I don't know if I'm going to make this.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03"I don't know if we'll finish it."
0:26:03 > 0:26:07'Spencer West finished on top, in June.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11'At nearly 20,000 feet, the Kilimanjaro volcano in Tanzania
0:26:11 > 0:26:15'is the world's tallest stand-alone mountain.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19'West is as full of adventure as any man we've ever met,
0:26:19 > 0:26:24'but take a step back and you see that the climber has no legs.'
0:26:27 > 0:26:30'My family and I were told by the doctors that'
0:26:30 > 0:26:33I would never sit up by myself, that I would never walk by myself,
0:26:33 > 0:26:37and that I probably wouldn't be a functioning member of society.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40- They didn't know what the possibilities could be?- Exactly.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44- Exactly.- 'A genetic defect at birth made his legs useless.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47'The doctors amputated at the hip,
0:26:47 > 0:26:51'but that didn't break his spirit, nor his stride.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54'It was seven days to the summit.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56'Part way he was carried,
0:26:56 > 0:27:01'but mostly he used a wheelchair and walked on his hands.'
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Along the path to Kilimanjaro, there are these little statues
0:27:04 > 0:27:06and they call them cairns.
0:27:06 > 0:27:11And we learned that cairns are a symbol for when you are lost.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15If you see a cairn, they signify where the trail is again.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19That is when I thought, "Maybe I can say I'm a cairn.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23"Maybe I'm a symbol for other people when they feel lost or they feel
0:27:23 > 0:27:26"a challenge is too big, I can be that cairn to be like,"
0:27:26 > 0:27:30" 'It's OK. If I can overcome this,
0:27:30 > 0:27:34" 'here's the path, and you can overcome it, too.' "
0:27:34 > 0:27:36What a legend.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39CHEERING
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Thanks very much for watching Good News.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Goodnight, my friends.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48CHEERING
0:28:09 > 0:28:13Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:13 > 0:28:15- DEEP VOICE:- Very nice!