0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
0:00:24 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Thank you very much indeed.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Over on BBC breakfast, Charlie Stayt revealed his favourite chat-up line.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43What does sausage taste like?
0:00:46 > 0:00:50But that's nothing. Look at Jeremy Paxman's ultimate ambition.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53To rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57This guy couldn't believe it.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00GOAT SCREAMS
0:01:00 > 0:01:04On Russia Today, they found Mario, and he's gone bad!
0:01:04 > 0:01:06MAN LAUGHS EVILLY
0:01:08 > 0:01:13Over in Australia, these two shared the craziest drinking story ever.
0:01:13 > 0:01:18Actually, I got hopelessly drunk on Friday afternoon and...
0:01:18 > 0:01:19HE SNIGGERS
0:01:19 > 0:01:23- ..management were there, you know, God.- And I witnessed it.
0:01:23 > 0:01:29And I was drunk, and I picked up a piece of food on my fork
0:01:29 > 0:01:32and stuck it into my cheek.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38It was the funniest thing!
0:01:38 > 0:01:42MUMBLES HYSTERICALLY
0:01:42 > 0:01:46I've never seen people that happy in my life.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Well, maybe I have. This guy REALLY likes tropical storms.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Now, this is a tropical storm.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56You say, "Dan, why are you showing me this?" Because John's...
0:01:56 > 0:01:59DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:06 > 0:02:08So, what's been going on?
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Did you hear about this -
0:02:09 > 0:02:13the government are looking to recruit a brand-new breed of spy.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16A new scheme to recruit apprentice cyber spies
0:02:16 > 0:02:18has been launched by the Government.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Up to 100 18-year-olds will be given the chance
0:02:20 > 0:02:23to train for a career in the Secret Service.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26We're going to have 18-year-old spies!
0:02:26 > 0:02:29"Ah, Mr Bond, I've been expecting you."
0:02:29 > 0:02:30"Whatever, slaphead."
0:02:36 > 0:02:39"Stop stroking your cat, you look like a paedo."
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Imagine them getting interrogated. "Where have you been?"
0:02:44 > 0:02:45"Nowhere!"
0:02:45 > 0:02:46"Who were you with?"
0:02:46 > 0:02:47"No-one!"
0:02:47 > 0:02:49"Who do you work for?"
0:02:49 > 0:02:51"Nando's."
0:02:53 > 0:02:55They'll be awful. Imagine them with Bond girls!
0:02:55 > 0:02:59"Your name's Pussy Galore. Is that because you've got a massive fanny?"
0:03:03 > 0:03:05They'd be terrible with gadgets.
0:03:05 > 0:03:10You give an 18-year-old a laser, he won't use it to spy with.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20APPLAUSE
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Mind you, the police need a bit of help.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30Did you hear about this cock-up from Chorley?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Lancashire Police have apologised
0:03:32 > 0:03:35for firing a taser stun gun at a blind man.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39They tasered a blind man.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42GOAT SCREAMS
0:03:43 > 0:03:46It gets worse. Look why they did it.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49His white stick was mistaken for a Samurai sword.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54They thought he was a Ninja!
0:03:54 > 0:03:59When have you ever seen a Ninja attack someone like this?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Imagine the moment they got him.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09"I've got that Ninja bastard.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11"He won't be troubling our streets again.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19"Oh, bollocks! I should have gone to Specsavers."
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Either way, apparently his guide dog couldn't believe it.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Mind you, there is one bloke I'd love to see tasered.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33The BNP leader Nick Griffin is being investigated by police
0:04:33 > 0:04:36for tweeting the address of a gay couple
0:04:36 > 0:04:38who won a landmark legal battle.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Mr Griffin urged his followers to demonstrate outside their house
0:04:41 > 0:04:44after a court ruled they'd been discriminated against
0:04:44 > 0:04:45because of their sexuality.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48What a prick. They were turned away...
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- APPLAUSE - Exactly, right.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53APPLAUSE
0:04:53 > 0:04:56They were turned away by a hotel because they were gay
0:04:56 > 0:04:59and Griffin told his dickhead supporters where they live.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01But don't worry, I've tweeted his address to this guy...
0:05:05 > 0:05:09What I want to know, how does Griffin know the address of gay men?
0:05:09 > 0:05:10Nick...
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Are you on Grinder?
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Did you see what he tweeted?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19'This is the tweet that he sent.'
0:05:21 > 0:05:22Heterophobia?!
0:05:22 > 0:05:24When have you ever seen a gay bloke go,
0:05:24 > 0:05:28"Come on, lads, let's go straight bashing.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30"I hate those fanny bandits!
0:05:30 > 0:05:34"But let's do it quick, there's a double episode of Glee on later
0:05:34 > 0:05:36"and I'm not going to miss it."
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Nick Griffin is an idiot.
0:05:38 > 0:05:43You can't stop people staying in a hotel just cos they're gay. Christ!
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Imagine the kind of hotel the BNP would run.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47BELL CHIMES
0:05:47 > 0:05:50'Welcome to the BNP BnB.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53'Our sheets are white and so are the guests.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58'Stay with us and you'll get a full English breakfast,
0:05:58 > 0:06:01'but we don't do black pudding!'
0:06:11 > 0:06:16'BNP BnB, we're here but we ain't queer!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20'Book now and get a free Queen CD.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24'Oh, he's not, is he?'
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Over in America, check out this headline.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Now, I shouldn't laugh, but a week later, they replaced it with this...
0:06:38 > 0:06:41'The statue's owner says that the vandals returned about a week later
0:06:41 > 0:06:44and replaced its head with this gnome.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Such a weird crime!
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Who looks at the Virgin Mary and goes,
0:06:52 > 0:06:55"What she needs is a beard and a pipe."
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Do you reckon somewhere there's a statue of Mary
0:06:57 > 0:06:59just holding a fishing rod?
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Mind you, that has got nothing on this next crime.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07This may be the scariest story you will ever see.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Someone stole his penis!
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23The tooth fairy's fucking lost it!
0:07:27 > 0:07:32"I'm fed up of teeth. From now on, I shall be known as the Knobgoblin."
0:07:40 > 0:07:43He had his penis stolen!
0:07:43 > 0:07:45So, who actually took it?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Was it his wife? Was it a scorned lover? Oh, no!
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Four men!
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Four men! How big was his dick?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Four men!
0:08:02 > 0:08:06"Jerry, Jerry, get a lorry, this monster's got some girth."
0:08:06 > 0:08:09IMITATES LORRY REVERSE SIGNAL
0:08:10 > 0:08:14My favourite part of the story is definitely this bloke's reaction.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18It's sick for anybody to steal someone's penis.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20That's their penis, it's not yours.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22It's their penis, it belongs on their body!
0:08:22 > 0:08:25You have your own penis, you play with your own penis, man,
0:08:25 > 0:08:27you don't go round stealing a penis, man.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30That's a no-no, man, that's how you get killed!
0:08:32 > 0:08:36APPLAUSE
0:08:36 > 0:08:38I love that part on the end -
0:08:38 > 0:08:41"Don't steal a man's penis, that's how you get killed."
0:08:41 > 0:08:43No, it isn't.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Nobody has ever been murdered for stealing a dick.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51I've seen many episodes of Miss Marple.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Not once has she said,
0:08:53 > 0:08:57"Cause of death - he was a cock snatcher!
0:08:57 > 0:09:01"Check his pockets, they're stuffed full of dick."
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Do you know the worst thing?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Apparently a week later the thieves broke in
0:09:05 > 0:09:07and replaced the man's penis with this...
0:09:10 > 0:09:13APPLAUSE
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Mind you, I've saved the most serious crime story for last.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20If you're of a nervous disposition, you need to look away now.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22This is truly terrifying.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24'Police are taking this very seriously'
0:09:24 > 0:09:27and opened a felony theft investigation
0:09:27 > 0:09:29into the disappearance of a pen.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Holy shit!
0:09:31 > 0:09:33GOAT SCREAMS
0:09:33 > 0:09:36I can't believe they called the police.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38"Officer, I'd like to report a crime.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44"They've taken my biro."
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Mind you, that's nothing. Did you see how people reacted online?
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Don't steal a man's pen!
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Man, that's a man's pen! Play with your own pen!
0:09:55 > 0:09:58That's how you get yourself killed!
0:10:03 > 0:10:08In sporting news, did you see the England-Poland game that never was?
0:10:08 > 0:10:11There's anger and disappointment amongst England fans tonight
0:10:11 > 0:10:14after the team's World Cup qualifier against Poland
0:10:14 > 0:10:17was called off after hours of rain in Warsaw.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20It's been rained off in a ground that's got a roof!
0:10:22 > 0:10:26The Polish FA spent 400 million on a stadium with a roof
0:10:26 > 0:10:29but the roof doesn't work when it's raining.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Mind you, think that's bad,
0:10:31 > 0:10:33you should see their brand-new heated pool.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35See the skill!
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Argh!
0:10:36 > 0:10:40GROANS AND APPLAUSE
0:10:43 > 0:10:45The English fans were livid.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49"We've come here from miles away! We've wasted so much money!"
0:10:49 > 0:10:52The Polish fans, fair to say, they got into the spirit of things.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57MUSIC: "Chariots Of Fire" by Vangelis
0:11:21 > 0:11:24It's just the joy as he escaped.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28The commentators had to fill air for two hours.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31My highlight, the look on Roy Keane's face
0:11:31 > 0:11:36when Adrian Chiles asked him the dullest question ever.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38We were expecting heavy rain, but not a downpour.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41That's something we can debate long into the night -
0:11:41 > 0:11:44when does a heavy rain become an actual downpour?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55"Roy, Roy, when... Roy, when does mist become fog?"
0:11:57 > 0:12:00"Roy, Roy, when does bread become toast?"
0:12:02 > 0:12:04They should have had my grandad commentate.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07He wouldn't have run out of things to say. That man's hilarious, right.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10I was watching the game with him and he genuinely said this halfway through.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13"Here, that pitch is wetter than a wanker's rag."
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Then he looked at me and said, "How is your brother?"
0:12:24 > 0:12:27It's been a bad week for the Tories.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Chancellor George Osborne has found himself embroiled in an embarrassing
0:12:30 > 0:12:33episode on a train tonight after failing to pay the full fare.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35'George Osborne faced ridicule
0:12:35 > 0:12:37'after entering a first-class carriage yesterday
0:12:37 > 0:12:39'with a standard ticket.'
0:12:39 > 0:12:41He refused to leave first class
0:12:41 > 0:12:44even though he only had a standard class ticket.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48How much would you love to have done that train announcement?
0:12:48 > 0:12:51"We apologise for the late running of the train,
0:12:51 > 0:12:54"a multimillionaire is refusing to pay his way.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58"As all available toilets are broken,
0:12:58 > 0:13:00"I recommend you piss in his shoes."
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Did you see what his assistant said?
0:13:09 > 0:13:13"He can't sit in there, he'll catch poor!"
0:13:14 > 0:13:18What a tosser! When you think about it, we pay Osborne's wages,
0:13:18 > 0:13:22so I say, as a punishment, we make him travel everywhere in this.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27It wasn't just Osborne making headlines.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29There was another Tory posh boy in trouble.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32The Chief Whip Andrew Mitchell has finally resigned
0:13:32 > 0:13:34after widespread criticism
0:13:34 > 0:13:36of his foul-mouthed confrontation with police.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Did you see what he called the police?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40- Plebs.- Pleb.- Pleb.- Plebs.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- Plebs.- Plebs.- Pleb!
0:13:44 > 0:13:48Apparently the police called him a Charlie Uncle November Tango.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Either way, they were fairly happy with his resignation.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09Over in the US, Barack Obama is back in the presidential race.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13Barack Obama has come out fighting in the battle for the White House.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Damn right! Did you watch the debate?
0:14:15 > 0:14:19Romney tried his best but Obama played his trump card.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22We can get this economy going again. My five-point plan does it.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Energy independence for North America in five years.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Getting us to a balanced budget.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Fixing our training programs for our workers.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32And finally, championing small business.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37Osama Bin Laden is dead.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Boom!
0:14:47 > 0:14:50I can get his head if you want, bitch!
0:14:54 > 0:14:57This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01There's a mystery guest who's been in the news, and I have to figure out who that person is,
0:15:01 > 0:15:03so please welcome our mystery guest.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:04 > 0:15:07MUSIC: "No One Knows" by Queens Of The Stone Age
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Hello. Nice to meet you. I'm Russell. How are you?
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Appreciate it, Russell. My name's Alan.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Hello, Alan. Nice to meet you.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Um... Alan.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30You appear to have brought some sausages on.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Plenty of sausages for you to enjoy.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Is that why you're in the news? Because you sell sausages?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Yes, we do sell sausages.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41There was a man over there wolf-whistling your sausage, Alan.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- Do people often wolf-whistle at your sausage?- Definitely.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56- Various sizes, you see.- Yeah.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:02 > 0:16:05What's the biggest sausage you've ever seen?
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Erm...
0:16:07 > 0:16:08I can make them as long as you want.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12- You can make them as long as you want?- Up to 60 yards.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17- A 60-yard sausage?- Yeah.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19What an amazing nickname that would be.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22"Here comes Alan." "Look alive, it's 60-yard Sausage!"
0:16:24 > 0:16:27So, I'm going to need more help, because obviously...
0:16:27 > 0:16:31You want a bit of help? Well, we're in the sausage business.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34We are a butchers. I judge competitions all over the country.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36- You do competitions? - Judge competitions.- Judge?- Yes.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- You judge people's sausage?- Yeah.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40I'm at, uh...
0:16:40 > 0:16:45The Reebok Stadium next Wednesday judging a sausage competition.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Let's just savour that sentence.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51You're going to be in a stadium judging sausages.
0:16:51 > 0:16:56OK, so can you tell me exactly why you're in the news? Is that OK?
0:16:56 > 0:16:59I just won the Best Sausage in Britain...
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Which is the Champion of Champions.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06The Champion of Champions. There he is.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:10 > 0:17:14We've got assorted sausages. Are they all are right? Are they all cooked?
0:17:14 > 0:17:16- They look good. - We've got three kinds.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19We got the celebration,
0:17:19 > 0:17:22which is the one that won the Champion of Champions.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23Those are the Champion of Champions.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27Look at these losers hanging around with them.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29- Can I try a bit of that?- Yeah. Let's get cracking.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Just see what it...
0:17:31 > 0:17:35That's a Buck's Fizz sausage made with genuine Buck's Fizz.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Oh, Alan, that's terrific.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40You like it?
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Alan, your sausage is the finest thing I've ever tasted.
0:17:43 > 0:17:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:44 > 0:17:45- Fantastic.- Delicious.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48All the ladies say that.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50All the customers say the same.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Alan, it's...
0:17:52 > 0:17:55This is terrific.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57This is the best mystery guest I've ever had.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00(Alan.)
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Do you think I've got what it takes to become a sausage maker?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05We're going to have a crash course on making sausage
0:18:05 > 0:18:07and I'm sure that you'll do a good job.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Let's do a pork-off.
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Yep.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11CHEERING
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- What's going to happen, Al? - We've mixed this beforehand.
0:18:22 > 0:18:23Saved a bit of time.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27In there we've got the meat, beautiful British pork.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29It's not that beautiful, Al.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33Seasoning, a special seasoning that I developed some 25 years ago.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35We'll mix the raw skin. So first of all,
0:18:35 > 0:18:37if you can put the sprinkle of rusk in there
0:18:37 > 0:18:40and then mix the sausage in.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44OK, so I've got to mix it all up.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Can you get behind me? It'll be like a meaty version of Ghost.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:51 > 0:18:58That's it. It's mixed in there. Wonderful.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00I'll put this in the filler and then you can fill the rest.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- I'm looking forward to it. - Just put it in there.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Push it down and then get the rest and put it in the back here.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08That's it. Carefully.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Today.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:13 > 0:19:15That's it. Next one.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Now then. We'll just drop that...
0:19:21 > 0:19:25Aye, aye, that's what I didn't want to happen but it always does.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26We've lost a plunger!
0:19:31 > 0:19:33It feels a bit like we're in a Wallace and Gromit episode.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35We've lost the plunger!
0:19:37 > 0:19:39There we go.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Now then, you'll see the sausage start to come.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Now you've got to get the skin.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- Let's just put that out of the way first of all.- OK.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48There we are.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52- We'll get the skin. This is a natural...- Oh, Christ.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53Now, behave!
0:19:54 > 0:19:59This is a natural casing. These are pig intestines cleaned.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01- Right?- Yeah.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Finest thing for sausage. They've got the natural curve.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- You know what I mean?- Yeah(!)
0:20:08 > 0:20:12Sorry about the splash on the front row. Be careful.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17- Alan, do you want to know something about pigs?- Yeah, go on.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Did you know pigs...
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- Their orgasm lasts for half an hour.- Correct.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27You're the first person...
0:20:27 > 0:20:30I've said that too many people in many different countries.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33You're the first who's gone, "Correct" and then...just moved on.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40- No wonder your sausages are so good. I don't like that bit.- Go on.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41You've done that before!
0:20:41 > 0:20:44APPLAUSE
0:20:45 > 0:20:47It's all got to go on.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Start doing it with two hands.
0:20:57 > 0:21:03Now you're getting excited. Slow down now. You're getting too excited.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Can I have a cigarette, Al?
0:21:07 > 0:21:08Later.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12Now you're away.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16All you've got to do is just hold that on the end there,
0:21:16 > 0:21:18turn the handle, the sausage will come out,
0:21:18 > 0:21:21and take the skin with it like that. OK?
0:21:21 > 0:21:22You're on your own.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Excellent. Not too full else it'll burst.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Turn your hand over. That's right. Keep turning.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31- I am turning.- Yeah.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35Don't hold it so tight. The sausages are going quite thick.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38I know you like a thick one, but I mean...
0:21:38 > 0:21:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:39 > 0:21:42You're getting too excited. That'll do nicely.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45That's it. Stop. That's it. Lovely.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47- There we are. That's yours then, Russell.- Thank you.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Now I'll feel a bit of now.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53And then we've got to do the most important part,
0:21:53 > 0:21:56which is linking the sausage.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59You've seen how the sausage hangs in the butcher shops, haven't you?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Now you can link some.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06There we are. Twist, turn.
0:22:06 > 0:22:11Just like knitting. Through, over, under, off.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13- It's not JUST like knitting. - It is, yeah!
0:22:13 > 0:22:16If my nan did that in the front room I'd be terrified!
0:22:16 > 0:22:18(INDISTINGUISHABLE)
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Wow, good work!
0:22:20 > 0:22:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Excellent.
0:22:31 > 0:22:32Excellent.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Very good effort.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Honestly, one of my favourite mystery guests.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39I'll shake your hand, because thank you so much for coming on.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Alan Bennett!
0:22:43 > 0:22:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Some bizarre art stories in the news.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53Did you hear about Damien Hirst's latest statue in Devon?
0:22:53 > 0:22:56A 20 metre statue of a pregnant woman brandishing a sword
0:22:56 > 0:22:58has arrived in its new home of Ilfracombe.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02'The artist Damien Hirst says it's a modern allegory of truth
0:23:02 > 0:23:04'and justice.'
0:23:04 > 0:23:06It's a statue of a naked pregnant lady.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Very nice!
0:23:12 > 0:23:13So...
0:23:13 > 0:23:15So, were the locals fans?
0:23:15 > 0:23:19Do they see it as the artistic cherry on top of their glowing town?
0:23:19 > 0:23:20Not really.
0:23:20 > 0:23:25I live here and I've got to look at it every day.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27- What are your thoughts? - It's horrible!
0:23:27 > 0:23:29I don't want to look at that.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32We've got enough pregnant women in the town without another one.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35"We don't need another slag!"
0:23:36 > 0:23:38"And she's got a knife."
0:23:41 > 0:23:44"What if she robs the post office?"
0:23:44 > 0:23:47She isn't the only one upset. Check this out for an overreaction.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54No, it won't!
0:23:54 > 0:23:58The only thing it will encourage teenagers to do is piss about.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01I give it a week before a 13-year-old boy
0:24:01 > 0:24:05is underneath that statue... "Look at me! I'm fingering a giant!"
0:24:07 > 0:24:10It's true. You put a teenager near a statue, he'll do this.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17Mind you, the art story that caught my eye wasn't a statue in Devon,
0:24:17 > 0:24:21it was a lunatic filmmaker called Brent Hayward.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25Check this out, right. He is absolutely bat shit.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29'Brent Hayward was a punk before most people knew what one was.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30BRENT WHINNIES
0:24:30 > 0:24:32'He's been an artist for just as long.
0:24:32 > 0:24:37'I met up with him so he could show me his infamous short film Slick.'
0:24:37 > 0:24:38HE PANTS LIKE DOG
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Honestly, this is what I love.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45I love to get in touch with my art animal. Yeeeah!
0:24:46 > 0:24:51Absolutely mad. He's like Rolf Harris on acid.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53I can't show you the film he made
0:24:53 > 0:24:57but I can show you this brilliant interview about it.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59What makes it art?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Just the fact that it's almost unexplainable.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03It's got a certain...
0:25:05 > 0:25:07..unknown quality.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10It's got a quality to it that's actually very mysterious.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13I saw it and I thought, "There's a man with a bottle up his bum."
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Not that it's the weirdest art story in the news.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24An artist in Liverpool is trying to bring a whole new meaning
0:25:24 > 0:25:28to the phrase "birdsong" by creating music from their droppings.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31'The artist Kerry Morrison has been placing giant pieces
0:25:31 > 0:25:34'of blank sheet music around the city
0:25:34 > 0:25:37'with a hope that they will be hit by bird movements
0:25:37 > 0:25:38'of the mucky kind.'
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Basically, she's been putting sheet music down
0:25:41 > 0:25:43and waiting for birds to crap on it.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45They actually recorded the music,
0:25:45 > 0:25:47and in case you want to know what shit sounds like...
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Apparently it's this.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54# One night only, one night only
0:25:54 > 0:25:56# Come on, big baby, come on
0:25:57 > 0:26:02# One night only... #
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Finally tonight, meet Colin Wales,
0:26:09 > 0:26:12an ordinary man who did an extraordinary thing.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16'It's like a scene from a film, but this is real life,
0:26:16 > 0:26:19'these are no actors and the man on the stretcher is only alive
0:26:19 > 0:26:22'thanks to this man, Colin Wales,
0:26:22 > 0:26:26'a postmaster from Trimdon Grange in County Durham.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29'It was travelling home from here almost a year ago
0:26:29 > 0:26:32'that he came upon the crash just off the A1.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34'With the car on the right already ablaze,
0:26:34 > 0:26:35'the one on the left is smouldering
0:26:35 > 0:26:40'and about to burst into flames. The driver is trapped inside.'
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Well, people were telling me to get out, get away,
0:26:42 > 0:26:45it's going to blow, so that did give me a sense of urgency,
0:26:45 > 0:26:48but it was just one of them things where you see it
0:26:48 > 0:26:51and you do it and it's just a natural reaction, isn't it?
0:26:51 > 0:26:55It's a situation that needed some action and that's what I did.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58'Colin got the driver out and dragged him to safety,
0:26:58 > 0:27:01'a moment before both vehicles were engulfed,
0:27:01 > 0:27:03'an act of selflessness that earned him
0:27:03 > 0:27:07'a police citation normally reserved for serving officers.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09'But not today.'
0:27:09 > 0:27:12'His first thoughts were, "I need to save somebody's life",
0:27:12 > 0:27:13'and that's exactly what he did.'
0:27:13 > 0:27:16A proud moment then for Colin and wife Susan.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Could you imagine living the rest of your life knowing
0:27:19 > 0:27:23that you could have helped somebody and he burned to death? No way.
0:27:23 > 0:27:24No way.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26There you go. What a dude.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33Thanks very much for watching Good News. Good night, my chums.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34Good night!
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd