0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language and adult humour from the start.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Thank you very much!
0:00:26 > 0:00:30Thank you, thank you! Thank you!
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Hello...
0:00:33 > 0:00:35APPLAUSE AND CHEERING CONTINUES
0:00:35 > 0:00:38..and welcome to Good News! So, what's been happening?
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Channel 4 interviewed the politest mugger ever.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44If you don't give me your wallet, I'll burgle your house.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45LAUGHTER
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Over on Daybreak, Richard Arnold showed everyone
0:00:48 > 0:00:49how to pleasure a giant.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51It works better if you're on a table...
0:00:54 > 0:00:59This lady revealed Gary Lineker may be the father of her child.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02I was worried when I was pregnant that my baby was going to smell of salt and vinegar crisps.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04LAUGHTER
0:01:09 > 0:01:12The big news was all about the US election.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Barack Obama secures a second term, having won key battleground states
0:01:15 > 0:01:20and overcoming a strong challenge from the Republican, Mitt Romney.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23We are greater than the sum of our individual ambitions,
0:01:23 > 0:01:26and we remain more than a collection
0:01:26 > 0:01:30of red states and blue states - we are and for ever will be
0:01:30 > 0:01:33the United States of America!
0:01:33 > 0:01:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:37 > 0:01:38Pretty cool.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42But it gets worse for Romney. Not only did he lose -
0:01:42 > 0:01:45look what this feisty old lady's going to do to him...
0:01:45 > 0:01:48I'm going to track down Mitt Romney and give him
0:01:48 > 0:01:50the word's biggest cock punch!
0:01:50 > 0:01:53LAUGHTER
0:01:53 > 0:01:57APPLAUSE
0:01:59 > 0:02:01But where?
0:02:01 > 0:02:05Right in the nut sack!
0:02:05 > 0:02:09To be honest, anyone could have seen this coming. If you want to know
0:02:09 > 0:02:12who's going to win an election, just ask the babies.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Here's what they think of Obama.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- AUDIENCE:- Aw!- And here's what they think of Romney.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19LAUGHTER
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Let's be honest, they're pretty good at spotting a dickhead.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25LAUGHTER
0:02:25 > 0:02:29For some reason, the US media have been interviewing loads of kids -
0:02:29 > 0:02:33some were thoughtful, others, they got straight to the point.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Can you describe President Obama? What is he like?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38He seems sort of, like, you know, like faithful,
0:02:38 > 0:02:40like the loyal type of person.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42He's black.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45LAUGHTER
0:02:47 > 0:02:50"Has Obama been good for the economy?" "He black!!"
0:02:50 > 0:02:53"What do you think of Mitt Romney?"
0:02:53 > 0:02:55"He white."
0:02:55 > 0:02:58You ask kids about politics, some of the answers they give
0:02:58 > 0:03:00will be very strange.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- Would you like to be president one day?- No.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04- Would you like to be president?- No.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08If you were to pretend you were talking to the American people,
0:03:08 > 0:03:09what would you say?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Hello?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13I come in...peace?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16LAUGHTER
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Back in Blighty, it's been a tough week for Boris.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22After being mobbed in Birmingham, Boris Johnson was today
0:03:22 > 0:03:24relentlessly heckled in Bristol.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28- HECKLING - You need someone who will put Britain on the map,
0:03:28 > 0:03:31and that is the objective, and...
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- Tories out! Tories out! > - You've got some charming people here in Bristol.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37You can see what absolute sweethearts they are.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Absolute sweethearts!
0:03:39 > 0:03:41He didn't call them that later...
0:03:41 > 0:03:46'..Boris Johnson attempted a strategic exit, he returned fire.'
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- < Scum! Tory scum!- Scum!
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- LAUGHTER - Aaaagh!
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Lefty tossers!
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Why don't you scummers lick my balls?!
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Why are they booing him? How can you hate Boris?!
0:04:05 > 0:04:09He's like a human bumblebee that's swallowed a thesaurus.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Uuuugh!
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Rapscallion!
0:04:15 > 0:04:21I mean, what other politician would praise our Olympic heroes like this?
0:04:21 > 0:04:26You produced such paroxysms of tears and joy on the sofas of Britain
0:04:26 > 0:04:29that you probably not only inspired a generation
0:04:29 > 0:04:32but helped to create one as well.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- LAUGHTER - And... I can get away with that.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36And...!
0:04:36 > 0:04:39See, if Cameron did that, it would just be creepy.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41"Hello, Britain. Ha-ha-ha-ha...
0:04:41 > 0:04:44"Did you enjoy the Olympics?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47"I bet you had lots of sex, didn't you?
0:04:47 > 0:04:49"I know me and Cleggy did."
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- LAUGHTER AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Uu-aaaagh!
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Now, elsewhere this week, Prince Charles has been on his travels.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02The Duke and Duchess of Cornwall have spent the night
0:05:02 > 0:05:05in Papua New Guinea, after touching down on the island nation
0:05:05 > 0:05:07as part of the Queen's Diamond Jubilee tour.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Did you see what the lady who greeted them was wearing?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13'The Royal couple, smiling and relaxed,
0:05:13 > 0:05:15'as they received the traditional garland of flowers.'
0:05:15 > 0:05:17I'm surprised he kept his cool -
0:05:17 > 0:05:19he normally loses it in front of jubblies.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21LAUGHTER
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Mind you, that was nothing. Did you see
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Prince Charles speaking Pidgin English?
0:05:27 > 0:05:28It's absolutely brilliant.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Mi bringim bikpela tok hamamas bilong Mejesti Kwin
0:05:32 > 0:05:34bilong Papua Niugini.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36APPLAUSE
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- LAUGHTER - It's the smile at the end, isn't it?
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Show it again - he looks so pleased with himself!
0:05:42 > 0:05:45LAUGHTER
0:05:47 > 0:05:49My name's Charlie, Pidgin's my hobby,
0:05:49 > 0:05:52when I smile, I look like Dobby!
0:05:52 > 0:05:53I can't stop watching it.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56And if you put a beat under it, it's even better.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Bilong mi lon dispela
0:05:59 > 0:06:03taim bilong Diamon Jubili bilong Misis Kwin.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Pisin, me bringim Pisin,
0:06:05 > 0:06:06Me bringim Pisin
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Me talk Pisin all rite!
0:06:11 > 0:06:14LAUGHTER
0:06:14 > 0:06:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:17 > 0:06:21From big beats to a galaxy far, far away.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Three new Star Wars films are to be made after Disney announced
0:06:24 > 0:06:27it was buying the company behind the franchise.
0:06:27 > 0:06:32Disney will buy Lucasfilm from George Lucas for around £2.5 billion.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Disney is making three new Star Wars. To quote Yoda -
0:06:35 > 0:06:37"Shit it will be!"
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Apparently the new film is going to be set when Luke's an old man.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44That'll be a barrel of laughs, won't it? "What's wrong, Luke?"
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- NORTHERN ACCENT: - "It's the bloody Empire.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50"They've taken me bus pass.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54"Save the galaxy? You have it. I can't eat chocolate any more.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58"I'll be on the toilet all night. Oh, Christ,
0:06:58 > 0:07:01"it'll be like shoes falling out of a loft."
0:07:05 > 0:07:08I'm not the only one upset - check out this fella.
0:07:08 > 0:07:134 billion...to the highest fucking bidder?!
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Oh, and guess who bought it, huh?
0:07:16 > 0:07:20You know who? Disney, fucking Disney! Of course you know!
0:07:20 > 0:07:23UNINTELLIGIBLE ..to my fucking...!
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Wasn't he in South Park?
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Cartman gets madder.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Check out the film he reckons Lucas wants to make.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42George Lucas is setting on a porcelain toilet
0:07:42 > 0:07:46in a solid white room in front of a solid white wall...
0:07:46 > 0:07:49and he starts...grimacing, just, oh!
0:07:49 > 0:07:54And he takes the nastiest, big hunk of shit
0:07:54 > 0:07:58right in the toilet, then he reaches in and he grabs it...
0:07:58 > 0:08:00- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:08:00 > 0:08:03He grabs it by the hand, he starts writing on the wall.
0:08:03 > 0:08:08E-PI-S-O-D-E S-E-V-E-N.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11And he flicks you off with his shit-covered hands!
0:08:13 > 0:08:17To be fair, it still sounds better than The Phantom Menace.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Here's the film I want to see -
0:08:19 > 0:08:22two hours of this prick just getting punched.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25- Wouldn't that be great? - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Where? I'll let this lady explain.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32Right in the nut sack!
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Although on the plus side, Disney and Star Wars...?
0:08:35 > 0:08:36Might be a good idea?
0:08:36 > 0:08:40DONALD DUCK QUACKS AGGRESSIVELY
0:08:43 > 0:08:45AUDIENCE: Oh!
0:08:51 > 0:08:55In health news, have you heard the latest way to get rid of wrinkles?
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Recently trained in Thailand,
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Tata claims she's now the first
0:09:00 > 0:09:03face-slapping practitioner in the Western hemisphere.
0:09:03 > 0:09:09Yeah, slapping the face gets rid of wrinkles.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12How did they figure this out? "I hate you so much!" Whack!
0:09:12 > 0:09:15"Hey, you look great!"
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Apparently celebs are huge fans.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Have you seen what Kelly Brook looked like before the treatment?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23LAUGHTER
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Mind you, if you think slapping is a bit much,
0:09:25 > 0:09:27look what else they do!
0:09:27 > 0:09:30In Thailand, for years, they have been slapping faces
0:09:30 > 0:09:33and something else that roughly translates as butt-punching.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Butt-punching?!
0:09:35 > 0:09:38That won't make you look younger, it'll make you look like this!
0:09:40 > 0:09:41LAUGHTER
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Now, if that isn't your thing, maybe this is.
0:09:44 > 0:09:49Scientists have invented a spray that makes ladies go, "Eeeh-eeh-ey".
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Australian researchers are heading trials
0:09:51 > 0:09:54of the world's first Viagra-style treatment for women.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57The nasal spray, dubbed "Female Viagra",
0:09:57 > 0:10:00delivers testosterone in a gel.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03A spray that makes women horny. Did you hear that?
0:10:03 > 0:10:07That's the sound of my brother going, "YES!"
0:10:07 > 0:10:10He'll rock up to his next date with a Super Soaker!
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Whhssshhhh!
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Mind you, it's not all good news. Have you seen the side effects?
0:10:17 > 0:10:21The Australian Medical Association fears the spray
0:10:21 > 0:10:22could have side effects.
0:10:22 > 0:10:27Acne, a deeper voice, hair growth, that sort of thing.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Poor women, they're horny as fuck, now they look like the Gruffalo!
0:10:33 > 0:10:35"Please, shag me." "No, you've got hooves!"
0:10:35 > 0:10:36LAUGHTER
0:10:36 > 0:10:39It's insane. Look what happened to Charlotte Church when she took it.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Here's Charlotte before.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43And here she is after!
0:10:44 > 0:10:46LAUGHTER
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Not that some ladies need any help. Did you read about this woman?
0:10:49 > 0:10:53A woman's rare disorder sees her suffer from constant orgasms
0:10:53 > 0:10:55for up to eight hours a day.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Her poor fanny!
0:11:00 > 0:11:02"Kill me!"
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Her husband must follow her round with a mop!
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Feel like he's on a curling team...
0:11:09 > 0:11:12LAUGHTER
0:11:15 > 0:11:20Mind you, it is not just her, this phenomena is all over the news!
0:11:20 > 0:11:21Oh!
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Argh!
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Yes! Yes! Yes!
0:11:24 > 0:11:25Ah!
0:11:25 > 0:11:29I'm coming. I'm coming. I'm going to bring spare underpants just in case.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31LAUGHTER
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Next up, a story about some kids who went trick-or-treating
0:11:37 > 0:11:39and got more than they bargained for.
0:11:39 > 0:11:44A man is due in court tomorrow after children were given bags of cocaine
0:11:44 > 0:11:46while out trick-or-treating last night.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49He gave children cocaine!
0:11:49 > 0:11:50What a dick.
0:11:50 > 0:11:55Apparently the parents were livid. The kids, not so fussed.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58LAUGHTER
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Imagine them getting home, "Hi, kids."
0:12:00 > 0:12:02"Yes, we are!"
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Luckily, they didn't actually take it.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Thank Christ! Imagine a kid on coke!
0:12:07 > 0:12:09"I like jelly and cats and spiders. And when I'm big,
0:12:09 > 0:12:11"I'm going to play tennis with an alien,
0:12:11 > 0:12:14"and then we're going to eat candy-floss made out of magic dust!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17"Mu-u-um!
0:12:17 > 0:12:19I've got the Igglepiggle giggles!
0:12:19 > 0:12:21LAUGHTER
0:12:21 > 0:12:23"Look at this, Mum, I'm going to do an impression of a mop!"
0:12:25 > 0:12:27LAUGHTER
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Not that it's the most shocking kids story of the week.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Check out the latest craze for children's parties in America.
0:12:36 > 0:12:41The new twist on pool parties. A Florida man is spicing them up
0:12:41 > 0:12:44by throwing alligators in the water with children.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Holy shit!
0:12:46 > 0:12:49They're throwing alligators in a kids' pool?!
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Argh!
0:12:52 > 0:12:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Poor kids. "Happy birthday, Timmy!"
0:13:01 > 0:13:07Christ, I bet even Barrymore is going, "Bit much." It's madness.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Have you seen the way they protect them?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Barrett says this is all safe.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14He tapes the gator's mouth shut before the party.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Fucking Sellotape!
0:13:16 > 0:13:17LAUGHTER
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Call me mad, but if I'm swimming with a crocodile,
0:13:20 > 0:13:23the last thing I want protecting me is stationery!
0:13:23 > 0:13:25"Is that a shark?"
0:13:25 > 0:13:28"Yeah, but we covered his eyes with Blu-Tack. He's fine!"
0:13:28 > 0:13:31What else are the kids playing with - this?
0:13:32 > 0:13:35LAUGHTER
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Not that it's all bad news for children.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40This guy wins my award for Catch of the Year.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Have a look at this, it's amazing.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46A young lady with kids were yelling.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50I looked up and saw a little girl on the air conditioner.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56I ran over there to see what I could do. I caught the little girl.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Amazing. What a dude. Not only did he save the kid from dying,
0:14:02 > 0:14:04he's also got a catchphrase!
0:14:09 > 0:14:11How smooth is he?!
0:14:11 > 0:14:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:14 > 0:14:16"A hero ain't nothing but a sandwich."
0:14:16 > 0:14:19You stopped that old lady from getting hit by a bus!
0:14:19 > 0:14:22"Damn right, baby, it's what a Scotch egg does."
0:14:22 > 0:14:24You're a hero!
0:14:24 > 0:14:28"No, I'm a Dairylea Dunker. Seriously, I put my dick in cheese."
0:14:28 > 0:14:32LAUGHTER
0:14:32 > 0:14:36"But I think after catching a baby, I've earned the right to do that."
0:14:36 > 0:14:40"Catch. Boom. All right!"
0:14:40 > 0:14:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:46 > 0:14:49This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51This is a Mystery Guest who has been in the news.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53And I have to figure out who that person is.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55So, please welcome my Mystery Guest!
0:14:55 > 0:14:58APPLAUSE
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Hello. I have to shake with the left, I have a bad hand, I'm afraid.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Nice to meet you, thanks for coming on the show.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- What's your name, friend?- Dom.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Wow, this is an array of stuff here you've got.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18What should I be looking at most here out of the Rubik's Cube and the elephant?
0:15:18 > 0:15:19The elephant.
0:15:19 > 0:15:24OK. Do you do ferocious shits?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26LAUGHTER
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Mammoth-size! No!
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- Have you ever been put in a cage and fed peanuts?- Not yet.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Not yet!
0:15:33 > 0:15:37Is that what we're going to be doing later?!
0:15:37 > 0:15:40- Do you never forget? - What are mem... Ah!
0:15:40 > 0:15:42OK. So you've got a good memory.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46- Yes.- It that what you're...? - Yes.- OK. So, why?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49- Well, the news article is all about how to improve your memory.- OK.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51And I am the eight-times World Memory Champion.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54There you go. That's pretty cool, isn't it?
0:15:54 > 0:15:58- APPLAUSE - Yeah, thanks for coming in.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02So, have you always had a good memory, or did you train yourself?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04No, I trained my memory.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08It wasn't until I was 30 that I saw somebody on television memorise a deck of cards.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12And I thought, "That's fantastic. That's the best card trick I've ever seen in the world.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14"I could pull a few women with this trick!"
0:16:14 > 0:16:16- LAUGHTER - Has that ever worked?
0:16:16 > 0:16:19From memorising cards, you've pulled women?
0:16:19 > 0:16:20It's a good party trick, yes.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22So, here's a question for you.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Do you use your powers for good or...?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Because these are powers. Do you use them for good or for bad?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30I did use them for bad a few years ago.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- Why, what did you do? - Well, it depends how you regard bad.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35I was a card counter. I used to go into casinos,
0:16:35 > 0:16:37and if they didn't shuffle the decks properly,
0:16:37 > 0:16:40I was able to memorise them and beat the casino at their own game.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44- So I made a living out of Black Jack. - Oh, did you? Nice!
0:16:44 > 0:16:45But then I got...
0:16:45 > 0:16:47But that is amazing!
0:16:47 > 0:16:49APPLAUSE
0:16:49 > 0:16:53Because you've got this sort of sexy, owly feel about you.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56So the idea that you're making money out of Black Jack,
0:16:56 > 0:16:59and ladies, "Can I ride on the back of your motorbike?"
0:16:59 > 0:17:02And you're like, "Yeah, if you want, baby. Rrrrr."
0:17:02 > 0:17:05So, can you show us some tips? I'd like to learn from you.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Yeah. OK, look. I'm going to give you a list of items to memorise.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Just a quick test, see what your memory's like already.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14- OK.- All right, a squashed football. A dead parrot. A brassiere.
0:17:14 > 0:17:19A set of false teeth. A cuddly toy. A pineapple.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23A photo of Justin Bieber. A dildo.
0:17:23 > 0:17:24LAUGHTER
0:17:24 > 0:17:27A blow drier. A banana.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Is this like an alternative "Mum's gone to Iceland" advert?
0:17:30 > 0:17:34A funky sort of Iceland, yes.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38And after the banana was a hammer, and then finally, a red ball.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41What was the sixth item on the list?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Can you remember any items?
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Yeah, there was a squashed parrot.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48LAUGHTER
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Justin Bieber was there.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- There was a banana?- Yeah, but you didn't get them in sequence.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- Shall I give you the technique? It's very, very simple.- OK.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58There's 12 objects, OK? We'll break them down into pairs.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02Six pairs. And I want you to go on a journey around your house.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04You'll have to describe this to me.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06- Walk around...- Aaagh, my brother's naked in his room!
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Shut that door.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- Don't go in that room, man. - Start off in your bedroom.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12I'm in my bedroom. I'm safe.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16- You need six places around your house.- Six places, OK.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Imagine you have woken up in the morning, 10 o'clock in the morning.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21I'm late for work!
0:18:21 > 0:18:23LAUGHTER
0:18:23 > 0:18:25At the end of the bed is a squashed football.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- How the hell did that get there? - Exactly.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30- You need to work out why it's squashed.- OK.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32There's a parrot next to it.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34It's a head-butting parrot?
0:18:34 > 0:18:35LAUGHTER
0:18:35 > 0:18:37- So that's what happens in the bedroom.- Yeah, it is.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39So now leave your bedroom.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40I'm getting the fuck out of there, yeah!
0:18:40 > 0:18:44He's done that to a football, what's he done to my balls?
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- We'll get on to those later.- OK.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Where are you now, when you left the bedroom?
0:18:49 > 0:18:52I'm in the kitchen, man. I'm scared, man.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54- You've gone straight to the kitchen? - Yeah, yeah.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58OK. The next object is a brassiere, followed by a set of false teeth.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00LAUGHTER
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Wayne Rooney's been round.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05- LAUGHTER Picture it.- Got it.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08The next thing is the cuddly toy, in another room,
0:19:08 > 0:19:10- and a pineapple. - Let's go into the scullery.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12LAUGHTER
0:19:12 > 0:19:15The cuddly toy is doing something with a pineapple.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16LAUGHTER
0:19:16 > 0:19:18In the scullery.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20OK, yeah. I'm seeing Bruce Forsyth.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22"Cuddly toy?"
0:19:22 > 0:19:26It's Bruce dressed as the cuddly toy with the pineapple.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29"It's why I have to take time off from Strictly.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31- "Get out, this is my scullery." I'm seeing that.- Next place?
0:19:31 > 0:19:34"It's one of my five a day." Get out, Bruce!
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- The next place.- Let's go to the weights room downstairs.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38LAUGHTER
0:19:38 > 0:19:40You're in there now, there's Justin Bieber...
0:19:40 > 0:19:43AUDIENCE SCREAMS
0:19:43 > 0:19:46..he's doing something with a dildo.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:49 > 0:19:53Has he taken advice from the world to finally go fuck himself?
0:19:53 > 0:19:55LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- # Baby, baby... #- Next place?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Next place. Let's take a trip to the attic.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- The attic?- Yes.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09The next two objects are a blow-drier and a banana.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11A sweaty banana, nice.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13The last two objects. Last place?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15- Let's go to the garden. - The garden.- Yeah.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17It's a hammer and a red ball.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- What's the connection?- I'm thinking Thor and he's run out of energy.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22LAUGHTER
0:20:22 > 0:20:24OK, so we've gone through the technique.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Let's put you to the test. See if you can remember all 12.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28Yes. Let's do this.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30CHEERING
0:20:30 > 0:20:33So, here we are. Explain what's going to happen now.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36I've got to pick all the boxes, is that right?
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Yeah, take me through the story you've just done
0:20:38 > 0:20:40and we'll reveal the 12 objects.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Starting at this end. So what happened?
0:20:43 > 0:20:46I woke up, there was a parrot... There was a deflated football.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50- And parrot that had head-butted it.- Yes.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Then I went down to my kitchen.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53You know what I discovered down there?
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Madness. There was a bra.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- Then false teeth.- OK.- Weird.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01- Then?- Then I needed to compose myself.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03So I went to the weights room.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05LAUGHTER
0:21:05 > 0:21:09No, I didn't. Where did I go next?
0:21:09 > 0:21:10AUDIENCE: Scullery!
0:21:10 > 0:21:13I went to the scullery. I found Bruce Forsyth... No, I didn't.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16I found a cuddly toy and a pineapple, that's what I found.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Very good.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Then I went to my weights room, I found Bieber and a dildo.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22- That was ridiculous. - What came after the dildo?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24What came after the dildo?
0:21:24 > 0:21:25LAUGHTER
0:21:25 > 0:21:27That was... I went to the attic.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Up in the attic I saw a hairdryer and a banana.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31That's exactly what I saw.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35Then finally, in the garden, I saw a hammer and some Red Bull.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36There we go.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Take that one off.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Aaargh!
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Jesus Christ!
0:21:42 > 0:21:45APPLAUSE
0:21:48 > 0:21:50LAUGHTER
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Listen, what I do in my garden is my own business!
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- LAUGHTER That worked.- Thanks very much.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- That's how you did it, using your imagination and the story.- Got it.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Trouble is, you're never going to forget that list.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02I'll never forget that list?
0:22:02 > 0:22:04You know one thing that'll never be forgotten? This.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Aaaagh!
0:22:06 > 0:22:08MAN IN BOX GIGGLES
0:22:08 > 0:22:10LAUGHTER
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my Mystery Guest!
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Now, Prince Charles wasn't the only Royal in the news.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22The Queen needs a new butler.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25'It looks like Her Majesty could do with a hand
0:22:25 > 0:22:27'keeping her house in order.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31'Posted on the Positions Vacant website for Buckingham Palace
0:22:31 > 0:22:33'is this job for a housekeeping assistant.'
0:22:33 > 0:22:37Working at Buckingham Palace, imagine the things you'd see.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Whoa!
0:22:41 > 0:22:45I'd leave that five minutes if I were you. Busted!
0:22:45 > 0:22:47So, cleaning royal turds all day,
0:22:47 > 0:22:49you'd probably get paid a fortune, right?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Don't expect to earn a fortune.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54At £14,200 per annum,
0:22:54 > 0:22:56it's not the best-paid job in the world.
0:22:56 > 0:22:5914 grand? What a tight arse!
0:22:59 > 0:23:02"Chop, chop, pauper, Charles needs his testicles buffed."
0:23:02 > 0:23:05LAUGHTER
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Still, there are worse jobs. Check this out!
0:23:14 > 0:23:17That is not a job. That is a farmer taking the piss.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21"I can't believe it worked, all I need now is a tin man, a lion
0:23:21 > 0:23:23"and I got me The Wizard of Oz."
0:23:23 > 0:23:25I know what you're thinking.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27What's the best thing about being a scarecrow?
0:23:27 > 0:23:30'It has perks, I mean, I listen to podcasts.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32'I was listening to a debate between
0:23:32 > 0:23:34'Christopher Hitchens and somebody about
0:23:34 > 0:23:36'the beginnings of the universe,'
0:23:36 > 0:23:39I looked up saw a squirrel doing acrobatics in a tree. It's got variety.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43"I mean, yeah, my mates are earning money, meeting new people,
0:23:43 > 0:23:46"but have they seen a squirrel do a star jump?"
0:23:46 > 0:23:48LAUGHTER
0:23:48 > 0:23:50"I'm so lonely!"
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Mind you, he shouldn't be sad.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54I've seen worse things happen in a field!
0:23:54 > 0:23:57LAUGHTER
0:23:57 > 0:23:59How unlucky is that cow?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01"I've got me head stuck, what's the worst that can...
0:24:01 > 0:24:04"Oh, no, Darren, no!"
0:24:04 > 0:24:07So you're probably thinking royal cleaners, scarecrows -
0:24:07 > 0:24:10jobs don't get weirder than that! Well, check out what this guy
0:24:10 > 0:24:13in America does for a living.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Communication is a big part of what I teach.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17'Eric Amaranth is a coach.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20'His teaching methods are a bit unorthodox.'
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Eric is a sex coach.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24He's a sex coach.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27So, does he chat to people about their hang-ups, show them diagrams?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Oh, no.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32He feels that he's more helpful to his clients
0:24:32 > 0:24:35when he actually watches them have sex.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37That's right, as in standing at the foot of their bed.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40"Hello!"
0:24:40 > 0:24:41LAUGHTER
0:24:41 > 0:24:42How weird would that be?
0:24:42 > 0:24:45You're trying to have sex, there's a bloke there going,
0:24:45 > 0:24:46"That's right, yeah."
0:24:46 > 0:24:48LAUGHTER
0:24:48 > 0:24:50"Yeah, yeah. Go on!
0:24:50 > 0:24:52"Hit her on the head with it, it gets rid of wrinkles."
0:24:52 > 0:24:54LAUGHTER
0:24:54 > 0:24:58It's ridiculous! A sex coach. It's like something out of the '70s.
0:24:58 > 0:24:59What does his advert look like? This?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Child support? Get f...
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Hi, I'm Sex Coach.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06With me in your life, you'll go from this...
0:25:08 > 0:25:09..to this!
0:25:10 > 0:25:12- Yes!- Sex Coach!
0:25:12 > 0:25:15I never used to find my wife attractive,
0:25:15 > 0:25:18until Sex Coach showed me an ingenious new method.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21LAUGHTER
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Sex Coach!
0:25:22 > 0:25:24I'll even help gay men!
0:25:24 > 0:25:28But I will not be in the room.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30So what are you waiting for?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Call me on 1800,
0:25:32 > 0:25:35argh, argh, argh!
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Don't take my word for it, check out what this guy thought...
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Very nice!
0:25:40 > 0:25:43APPLAUSE
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Finally tonight, an amazing story
0:25:51 > 0:25:53about an 11-year-old girl called Maria Rowe.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55'This afternoon, 11-year-old Maria Rowe
0:25:55 > 0:25:59'is enjoying an after-school snack with her father, John.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01'He's still recovering from a major heart attack,
0:26:01 > 0:26:04'a day she will never forget.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08'Maria was watching TV when her dad collapsed and stopped breathing.
0:26:08 > 0:26:13'She dialled 999 for an ambulance. This is a recording of that call.'
0:26:33 > 0:26:37'Maria Rowe told the operator she knew what to do.'
0:26:37 > 0:26:40I told my mum to put my dad on the floor,
0:26:40 > 0:26:42because I was going to do CPR.
0:26:42 > 0:26:47My dad was a bit heavy, so we both had to carry him down.
0:26:47 > 0:26:52On the third round of CPR, my dad kind of breathed back to me.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56Then the ambulance came and I was sent out of the room.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00She said, "Calm down, Mummy. I will bring back Daddy."
0:27:00 > 0:27:05It takes a lot of nerve to give CPR, no matter how old you are.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09REPORTER: Considering your daughter's just 11?
0:27:09 > 0:27:11She's a miracle worker. My angel.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14REPORTER: 'Maria learnt her first aid as a cadet
0:27:14 > 0:27:16'with the St John Ambulance
0:27:16 > 0:27:18'and they've now nominated her for a national award.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21'But Maria is unfazed. She says she's studying hard -
0:27:21 > 0:27:22'she wants to be a doctor -
0:27:22 > 0:27:25'and is just happy to have her dad back.'
0:27:25 > 0:27:26Excellent. There you go.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29APPLAUSE
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Thanks very much for watching Good News. Good night! Farewell!
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd