0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Thank you!
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Hello! And welcome back to Good News. So what's been happening?
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Well, here's a tip - if you're interviewed on TV,
0:00:37 > 0:00:39careful where you place the microphone.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Is it me, or did this guy really sound like Kermit the Frog?
0:00:50 > 0:00:53- How do you evaluate that? KERMIT-LIKE:- Well, you know...
0:00:53 > 0:00:54LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:00:54 > 0:00:57The state is going through a complete reformation
0:00:57 > 0:00:59of the criminal justice system.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03If you look back at the last year's or the current year...
0:01:03 > 0:01:06It's incredible, isn't it?
0:01:06 > 0:01:07Over on BBC South East,
0:01:07 > 0:01:10this lady wins my award for fake laugh of the week.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13There was hardly any time to think about it, to be honest.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Just, you know, started growing the beard, really!
0:01:15 > 0:01:17- FAKE LAUGH - Good to talk to you.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20LAUGHTER
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Don't ever touch me. Don't ever touch me.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28Finally, this lady has to be the filthiest news reporter ever.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Is it me, or is she miming a blow job?
0:01:31 > 0:01:32My son was teething.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36He used to like to take the bits out of my vibrating toothbrush
0:01:36 > 0:01:39- and put it in his mouth.- OK.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42And just kind of sit there like, "Oh, yeah...that feels good...
0:01:42 > 0:01:45"That hits the spot. My gums are itchy."
0:01:45 > 0:01:47LAUGHTER
0:01:56 > 0:01:58The big political news was of course this.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02The Queen and dignitaries from around the world have attended
0:02:02 > 0:02:04the ceremonial funeral of Baroness Thatcher.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Her coffin was taken from the Palace of Westminster this morning
0:02:07 > 0:02:08through the streets of London.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12In a funeral with full military honours for Britain's first
0:02:12 > 0:02:13female prime minister.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Some people were sad...
0:02:15 > 0:02:19It's always very sad when people die.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21That was just... She was somebody special.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Some people, not so sad.
0:02:25 > 0:02:33Thatcher is dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead!
0:02:33 > 0:02:37Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! She's dead!
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Wouldn't it be great if she came back to life just to piss him off?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43LAUGHTER
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Luckily, the news interviewed a sweet old granny.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48I wonder what she had to say.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Do you think she did any good?
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Not a bit of good. Not a bit.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56I'd put a stake through her heart and garlic round her neck to make sure she never came back.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Holy shit, it's Frankie Boyle's nan!
0:03:00 > 0:03:03- LAUGHTER - It's fair to say Thatcher was a divisive woman.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06The right loved her because she transformed the economy
0:03:06 > 0:03:08and reduced the stranglehold on the trade unions,
0:03:08 > 0:03:12whereas the left hated her because she ruined communities and condemned many to abject poverty.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Or, to put it in teenage speak...
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Some people are like, "Oh, she's great,"
0:03:16 > 0:03:18and some people are like, "Oh, she sucks."
0:03:18 > 0:03:21LAUGHTER
0:03:21 > 0:03:22Cheers, teenage boy!
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Now we all understand(!)
0:03:26 > 0:03:29mind you, think he's bad, have a look at Channel 4's coverage.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33They weren't afraid to focus on the big issues of Thatcher's reign.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34You were very close to her.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38I remember the stories that she cooked omelettes for you upstairs in the flat.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41My recollection is they were shepherd's pies.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43LAUGHTER
0:03:43 > 0:03:46And her apple crumble was the bollocks!
0:03:46 > 0:03:47LAUGHTER
0:03:47 > 0:03:52Still, wittering on about cooking is nothing. Did you see CNN's coverage?
0:03:52 > 0:03:56Of all the photos they could have selected to illustrate this story,
0:03:56 > 0:03:58look at the one they went with.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02Lady Thatcher, the Iron Lady, has died at the age of 87.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04British reports say...
0:04:04 > 0:04:07LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:04:07 > 0:04:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:14 > 0:04:18"Shall we show her with the Queen?" "Nah, I've got just the photo."
0:04:18 > 0:04:20LAUGHTER
0:04:20 > 0:04:25Some people were so overjoyed with her death, they had death parties.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Thousands attended in places like Durham had Glasgow.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Fair to say it didn't exactly kick off here.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33There's currently a street party in Barker's Pool.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Our political editor Len Tingle is there.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39LAUGHTER
0:04:39 > 0:04:40"Where's everyone else?"
0:04:40 > 0:04:41LAUGHTER
0:04:41 > 0:04:44One of the oddest details about the story is what
0:04:44 > 0:04:46she was doing before she passed away.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50She was watching dog videos on the internet!
0:04:50 > 0:04:52It's kind of hard to imagine, isn't it?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Mind you, what a great way to go.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57I can't think of a better way to die than watching this.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02LAUGHTER
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Ahhh...
0:05:04 > 0:05:05LAUGHTER
0:05:10 > 0:05:14Elsewhere in the news, Justin Bieber's been acting like a twat.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18The Canadian popstar Justin Bieber has caused outrage with
0:05:18 > 0:05:21comments he made at the Anne Frank Museum in Amsterdam.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23The singer wrote in the guest book that...
0:05:27 > 0:05:29I'm surprised he didn't write,
0:05:29 > 0:05:34"It's great to finally visit the home of the world hide-and-seek champion."
0:05:34 > 0:05:36LAUGHTER
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Imagine him in the Black History Museum.
0:05:39 > 0:05:44"Dear Martin Luther King, I had a dream, too.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46"It was about a frog who was really bouncy!"
0:05:46 > 0:05:48LAUGHTER
0:05:48 > 0:05:51"She would have been a Belieber." I must have missed the bit in her
0:05:51 > 0:05:56diary when she went, "If I survive this awful war, I have one dream -
0:05:56 > 0:05:59"I'd love to meet a man who looks like a chipmunk...
0:05:59 > 0:06:01LAUGHTER
0:06:01 > 0:06:05"..and wears trousers that make him look like he's done a massive shit."
0:06:05 > 0:06:06LAUGHTER
0:06:08 > 0:06:09APPLAUSE
0:06:11 > 0:06:13"That's the dream."
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Surely Beliebers are more likely to be Nazis.
0:06:15 > 0:06:20Think about it - they worship a short bloke who talks bollocks and can't grow a proper moustache.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22LAUGHTER
0:06:22 > 0:06:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:25 > 0:06:27They've got nothing in common.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Here's what Anne Frank's diary looks like.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32And here's Justin Bieber's.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35LAUGHTER
0:06:35 > 0:06:38From Bieber to the threat of nuclear war. It's all kicking off in Korea.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42Tension on the Korean Peninsular is running at dangerous levels.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Kim Jong-un is seen as a loose cannon by the West,
0:06:45 > 0:06:49but no-one can really second-guess how this crisis will play out.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52North Korea has said it's planning to fire another missile over
0:06:52 > 0:06:54the Pacific Ocean, possibly as early as tomorrow.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Are you worried about the nuclear threat?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- AUDIENCE: No! - Me neither. I've seen their rockets.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02COUNTDOWN IN KOREAN
0:07:02 > 0:07:04LAUGHTER
0:07:04 > 0:07:06They've got nothing.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08- APPLAUSE - Literally nothing.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Check out their binoculars.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18LAUGHTER
0:07:18 > 0:07:19Their leader, Kim Jong-un,
0:07:19 > 0:07:23has threatened to start a nuclear war, but no-one's worried, are we?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25He's like the mad kid at school who just makes things up.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28"I've got missiles and rockets and a flame monkey with lasers for eyes
0:07:28 > 0:07:32"and my dog is made of marshmallows and when it barks it fires sweets that haven't even been invented yet
0:07:32 > 0:07:35"and my dad's so cool he wees Coca-Cola."
0:07:35 > 0:07:38LAUGHTER
0:07:38 > 0:07:40He calls himself the Supreme Leader.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43That doesn't make him sound scary, it makes him sound like a pizza.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45LAUGHTER
0:07:45 > 0:07:49He's such an oddball. He cuts his own hair!
0:07:49 > 0:07:51What with, a fucking rock?!
0:07:51 > 0:07:52LAUGHTER
0:07:52 > 0:07:56And have you noticed in every news report, he's always looking
0:07:56 > 0:07:57through binoculars?
0:07:57 > 0:08:00'With the situation close to thermonuclear war,
0:08:00 > 0:08:03'foreigners in South Korea should evacuate.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06'But if North Korea's European-educated leader is
0:08:06 > 0:08:09'trying to scare them, it doesn't seem to have worked.'
0:08:09 > 0:08:10He always looks really confused.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12There's always that moment when he goes...
0:08:12 > 0:08:14LAUGHTER
0:08:15 > 0:08:18I think I know why he's pulling that face.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22MARTIAL MUSIC
0:08:22 > 0:08:25LOUD CLANGING
0:08:25 > 0:08:27LAUGHTER
0:08:29 > 0:08:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:36 > 0:08:40It's a scary old place, North Korea. It's like something out of 1984.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42The people are brainwashed, terrified.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Every time you see them on the news they've clearly been forced
0:08:45 > 0:08:46to say something against their will.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52HE GIBBERS
0:08:52 > 0:08:55But I actually got hold of a machine which tells you what
0:08:55 > 0:08:57they're REALLY thinking.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23LAUGHTER
0:09:23 > 0:09:25WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:27 > 0:09:29I like that.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Have you seen their military propaganda videos?
0:09:31 > 0:09:35They're ridiculous. They're full of things they can't possibly do - leaping, jumping,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38leaping through fire. It's true. Take a look at this.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42STIRRING MUSIC
0:10:08 > 0:10:09LAUGHTER
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Mind you, we've all done propaganda videos.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15You should see the trailer for Good News that I wanted to show.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24MARTIAL ARTS-TYPE YELLING
0:10:32 > 0:10:35HE YELLS
0:10:46 > 0:10:47HE YELLS
0:10:51 > 0:10:53UNZIPPING
0:11:04 > 0:11:07# Baby, baby, baby... #
0:11:11 > 0:11:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:17 > 0:11:19HE YELLS
0:11:22 > 0:11:26From America, some shocking news about a teacher.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29A California middle school teacher has been placed on leave after
0:11:29 > 0:11:33school administrators found out she is a hardcore porn star.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36LAUGHTER
0:11:36 > 0:11:38The teacher is a porn star!
0:11:38 > 0:11:41"Good day at school?" "The best ever!"
0:11:41 > 0:11:43LAUGHTER
0:11:43 > 0:11:45"What did you learn?" "So much!"
0:11:45 > 0:11:47LAUGHTER
0:11:47 > 0:11:51Did you see... Did you see how she got caught?
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Some of her students were looking at dirty movies online
0:11:54 > 0:11:57and saw their science teacher.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00What a woman! Imagine trying to control that class now.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03"Why haven't you done your homework?" "Cos I was staring at your clunge all night."
0:12:03 > 0:12:05LAUGHTER
0:12:09 > 0:12:12"Flappin' it about like no-one cares!"
0:12:12 > 0:12:13LAUGHTER
0:12:13 > 0:12:17So are the parents disgusted? Oh, no, check out this hound!
0:12:17 > 0:12:19She's a really good teacher.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Oooeerrgh!
0:12:21 > 0:12:23LAUGHTER
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Ohhh!
0:12:25 > 0:12:27How creepy does he sound?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30"She's a really good teacher.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32"I don't even have kids."
0:12:34 > 0:12:37"But I know a good teacher when I see one sucking dick."
0:12:37 > 0:12:38LAUGHTER
0:12:41 > 0:12:45Mind you, if you think porn stars teaching kids is a shocking story,
0:12:45 > 0:12:50it's got NOTHING on the HORROR going on in British schools.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Finally, they've done something about this!
0:12:53 > 0:12:56A school in Essex has banned triangular flapjacks,
0:12:56 > 0:12:58saying they're too dangerous.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Dinner staff at Castle View School, Canvey Island,
0:13:01 > 0:13:04were told to cut the treat into squares or rectangles
0:13:04 > 0:13:08after a pupil was hit in the face by a flying flapjack.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12So ridiculous. In America, kids are like, AK47.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Over here, Mr Kipling.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16LAUGHTER
0:13:16 > 0:13:20Flapjacks! Reckon there's kids bragging outside school? "I got suspended."
0:13:20 > 0:13:23"What for?" "I was eating a flapjack that weren't shaped like an oblong."
0:13:23 > 0:13:24LAUGHTER
0:13:24 > 0:13:27"I didn't give a fuck!"
0:13:27 > 0:13:28School's really changed.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31When I was at school, bullies gave you dead legs, Chinese burns.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Now they're giving you snacks!
0:13:33 > 0:13:34LAUGHTER
0:13:34 > 0:13:36"You'd better watch out, Howard,
0:13:36 > 0:13:39"or you'll get a taste of my mum's delicious Madeira cake."
0:13:39 > 0:13:40LAUGHTER
0:13:44 > 0:13:47"I wouldn't want to be you halfway through geography -
0:13:47 > 0:13:49"you is gonna have a well bad sugar crash!"
0:13:49 > 0:13:52LAUGHTER
0:13:52 > 0:13:55So I bet the parents thought this story was ridiculous, right?
0:13:55 > 0:14:00Clearly this is a very dangerous implement that should be locked away
0:14:00 > 0:14:03and kept out of the way of children, because obviously there's
0:14:03 > 0:14:07going to be quite a few injuries with something as dangerous as that.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08LAUGHTER
0:14:08 > 0:14:10It's a fucking flapjack!
0:14:10 > 0:14:12LAUGHTER
0:14:12 > 0:14:14I think we should be less worried about flapjacks
0:14:14 > 0:14:17and more worried about who their new PE teacher is.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20LAUGHTER
0:14:23 > 0:14:25There are so many stories like this in England, though.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Have you seen what's happening in Swindon?
0:14:28 > 0:14:33They've been painting the town yellow in the last few days to stop
0:14:33 > 0:14:37drivers parking in Swindon's backstreets and alleyways.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40But wait till you see the latest one.
0:14:40 > 0:14:46They have painted. This is now a no-parking zone.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Even though you couldn't drive down it.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52It's so pointless. It's like putting up a sign on the M6 that says,
0:14:52 > 0:14:54"Please do not play Jenga in the fast lane."
0:14:54 > 0:14:56LAUGHTER
0:14:56 > 0:14:57Do you know who I feel sorry for?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00People who get pissed and fall asleep on the road.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01LAUGHTER
0:15:06 > 0:15:08The big football news was of course this.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Luis Suarez has apologised tonight for biting
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Chelsea's Branislav Ivanovic during their match at Anfield.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Midway through the second half of Liverpool's Premier League
0:15:18 > 0:15:20match against Chelsea, Suarez, seemingly unprovoked,
0:15:20 > 0:15:24appears to bite Chelsea defender Branislav Ivanovic.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28Everyone's gone mental. "He's an animal." "He should be deported." Come on, it's a one-off.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30It's not like he's ever done this before.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34He was banned for seven matches for biting an opponent's shoulder
0:15:34 > 0:15:35whilst playing for Ajax.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37OK, once, but...
0:15:37 > 0:15:40You should be aware Russell Howard supports Liverpool Football Club
0:15:40 > 0:15:42and suffers from a condition called Suarez Blindness,
0:15:42 > 0:15:45which means he loves him so much, he often talks complete bollocks.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46LAUGHTER
0:15:46 > 0:15:49He wasn't biting him, he was giving him a kiss!
0:15:49 > 0:15:53Branislav Ivanovic probably smeared himself in Reggae Reggae sauce.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56He wasn't biting him, he was doing an impression of a vampire!
0:15:56 > 0:15:59He loves him! That's what you do in Uruguay when you love someone! You people don't understand!
0:15:59 > 0:16:03When you and I see Branislav Ivanovic we see THIS!
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Poor Luis Suarez sees THIS!
0:16:05 > 0:16:09He can't help it! Luis Suarez is a saint!
0:16:09 > 0:16:12He runs a soccer camp in America that teaches underprivileged
0:16:12 > 0:16:14kids how to play! And I bet they love it!
0:16:16 > 0:16:17LAUGHTER
0:16:17 > 0:16:19OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!
0:16:19 > 0:16:23Mind you, it's definitely going to change the half-time adverts.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24All right, Russ?
0:16:24 > 0:16:28All right, Russ, man! Check out THESE odds.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37LAUGHTER
0:16:40 > 0:16:43This is the part of the show I genuinely know nothing about.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46It's a mystery guest who's been in the news and I have to figure out who that person is.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49So please welcome our mystery guest!
0:16:49 > 0:16:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:59 > 0:17:01- Hello, Russell.- Hiya, man!
0:17:03 > 0:17:07Lovely! You look like you're in a hollowed-out polar bear bollock.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09LAUGHTER
0:17:09 > 0:17:12- Can I sit in mine? - Of course you can.- Thanks, man.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15- Nice to meet you. Isn't it comfy in here?- It's really comfortable.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- What's your name?- Andy Dunlop. - Andy, nice to meet you, man.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- And you've got some medals there. Can I have a look?- Course you can.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- The medals have got chickens on them.- They have.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28Which implies you are either criminally insane or...
0:17:28 > 0:17:31- LAUGHTER - ..you are very good at looking after chickens.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- Yup.- Is that what you do? You look after chickens?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36I do look after chickens.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39I've got a cockerel and nine wives, all called Beryl.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- He's got nine wives?- Yep.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45That's all right! Are they actually married? Have you done little chicken weddings?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47- Yeah, they've all been married properly.- Have they?- Oh, yes.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49LAUGHTER WOMAN: Awww!
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Don't "Awwww!" That's...
0:17:51 > 0:17:52LAUGHTER
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- Were you dressed as a vicar when you did the service?- No.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Oh, you son of a bitch! You got me then.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59LAUGHTER
0:17:59 > 0:18:02So is that why you've been in the news, cos you're...?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04No, it's not because of chicken weddings.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06It's because I'm an international sportsman.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09You're an international sportsman? OK, er...
0:18:09 > 0:18:13- Do you throw chickens?- No. LAUGHTER
0:18:13 > 0:18:14- Catch?- No.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19LAUGHTER
0:18:19 > 0:18:21- Compete against?- No.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- Shall I give you my job title? - I would very much like that.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28I'm the world president of the World Egg Throwing Federation.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31- Wow! - LAUGHTER
0:18:33 > 0:18:35And how far could you fling an egg?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Well, personally, I can't throw one very far
0:18:37 > 0:18:40because I've got an old tossing injury.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41LAUGHTER
0:18:50 > 0:18:53The world record for throwing and catching an egg
0:18:53 > 0:18:55is held by the Dutch couple of Smink and Kooistra,
0:18:55 > 0:19:00who can throw and catch a raw egg without breaking it 69.5 metres.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04- Wow! Are they here tonight?- No. - Lazy bastards!
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- LAUGHTER - Probably at home making a friggin' porno film.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Here's a question for you - does it not really piss off the chickens?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16LAUGHTER
0:19:16 > 0:19:18I've not ever laid an egg myself
0:19:18 > 0:19:20but I imagine it takes something out of you.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24- They make a hell of a noise. - HE CLUCKS LOUDLY
0:19:24 > 0:19:28"Fuckin' egg!" And then you come along and go, "Cheers for that."
0:19:28 > 0:19:30LAUGHTER
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Fuckin' good one. Lay another one.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34"I don't want to lay another one."
0:19:34 > 0:19:36LAUGHTER
0:19:36 > 0:19:39- so why are you in the news exactly? Do you mind if I ask?- Not at all.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43I was the team captain of England.
0:19:43 > 0:19:48We went to India and we beat the Indians at Russian Egg Roulette.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52Russian Egg Roulette. That's worth a round of applause! Fantastic!
0:19:55 > 0:19:58What kind of egg-based fun are we going to have?
0:19:58 > 0:20:02We're going to show you some of the games that we play at the world championships.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03Let's egg on!
0:20:03 > 0:20:05LAUGHTER
0:20:06 > 0:20:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:15 > 0:20:18ANDY LAUGHS
0:20:18 > 0:20:20OK, Russell, you've got six eggs in front of you.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24Five of them are hard-boiled, one's raw.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27You've got to distinguish which one it is without touching it.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30The first egg you touch, you've got to use...
0:20:30 > 0:20:33LAUGHTER ..and to prove it's the hard-boiled egg,
0:20:33 > 0:20:35you've got to smash it onto your own forehead.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37AUDIENCE: Ooooh!
0:20:37 > 0:20:41The way we operate this at the height of the World Egg Throwing Championships
0:20:41 > 0:20:45- is we use Reiki. Have you heard of Reiki?- I have, yeah.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48That's where you can feel the life force...
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- You use it to get rid of the leave-ies. - LAUGHTER
0:20:54 > 0:20:57You can use Reiki to identify the life force
0:20:57 > 0:20:59by placing your hand above the egg
0:20:59 > 0:21:03and feeling round to see which one's got the life force coming off it.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- Do you want to practise that? - You don't advise doing this when it's still in the chicken.- No.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08LAUGHTER
0:21:08 > 0:21:11- Do you feel the difference? - Oh, I can, you know!- You can?- Yeah.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Excellent. I'll show you how it's done, first of all.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Just spin it so we don't know which one's which.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22HAHHHH!
0:21:22 > 0:21:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:32 > 0:21:35GGGHHHAAA!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:38 > 0:21:41You're doing well, but you might want to try the other method,
0:21:41 > 0:21:44which is aura-watching. Every living creature's got an aura.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Well, if you look across the eggs,
0:21:46 > 0:21:49you can see the raw one's got a light-blue aura.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53- OK?- While we're here, have you seen the aura on Dora the Explorer?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55LAUGHTER
0:22:00 > 0:22:02HAAA!
0:22:02 > 0:22:04APPLAUSE
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Oh, shit.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12LAUGHTER
0:22:20 > 0:22:22SCREAMS OF LAUGHTER
0:22:29 > 0:22:33Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my wonderful mystery guest!
0:22:33 > 0:22:35WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Next up, have a look at this story from a zoo in Spain.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47This one has people talking tonight. Gina is a naughty chimp.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50She lives in a zoo in Spain and apparently is addicted to porn.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52LAUGHTER
0:22:52 > 0:22:53That's right, you heard right.
0:22:53 > 0:22:59There is a lady monkey in Spain who spends all day touching herself watching porn.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02LAUGHTER
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Did you see what her neighbours thought?
0:23:04 > 0:23:06LAUGHTER
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Imagine her on a nature documentary.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13David Attenborough - "Here we see the mighty monkey flicking
0:23:13 > 0:23:15"herself off like a banshee."
0:23:15 > 0:23:17LAUGHTER
0:23:17 > 0:23:19"She's gone through ten bananas today,
0:23:19 > 0:23:21"but she hasn't eaten any of them!"
0:23:21 > 0:23:22LAUGHTER
0:23:24 > 0:23:28I know what you're thinking - how does a monkey become addicted to porn?
0:23:28 > 0:23:34Somebody was doing some research and put a TV outside of the enclosure.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35The TV has a remote
0:23:35 > 0:23:40and she would change it to a channel that had adult entertainment on it.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44They put a telly outside her cage and SHE switched it to porn.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47And apparently, she was watching some pretty freaky stuff!
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Do you know the worst thing?
0:23:51 > 0:23:53She's been teaching the other monkeys to watch porn.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Some people were shocked. This guy didn't mind it.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58She's a really good teacher.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00LAUGHTER
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Next up, if you think you've got a weird relationship, check this out.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05It was love at first sight.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07His body and then his interior
0:24:07 > 0:24:09and everything together just seemed to fit
0:24:09 > 0:24:11and I just felt an instant connection.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Nathaniel is in a committed relationship with a car that
0:24:14 > 0:24:16he's named Chase.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18AUDIENCE: Eurgh!
0:24:18 > 0:24:20He's in love with his car.
0:24:20 > 0:24:25- He must lose his shit watching Top Gear, just... - HE MOANS
0:24:25 > 0:24:27"Look at its hubcaps."
0:24:27 > 0:24:31Poor car! Just sat in the showroom. "Tell you what, lads, can't wait to be bought.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35"Driving really fast on motorways, picking up wom... Oh!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37"There's something in my exhaust pipe."
0:24:37 > 0:24:39LAUGHTER
0:24:40 > 0:24:44I can see the Churchill dog in the back window going, "Oh, no..."
0:24:44 > 0:24:45LAUGHTER
0:24:47 > 0:24:51Poor car! I bet every time he honks the horn he just goes, "Help!"
0:24:51 > 0:24:53"HEEEELLLPPP!"
0:24:53 > 0:24:55That car isn't even red, it's just fucking blushing!
0:24:55 > 0:24:56LAUGHTER
0:24:56 > 0:24:58"HEELLLPPP!"
0:24:59 > 0:25:01What's he doing shagging a car?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04I mean, he's got a female flatmate, for goodness sake!
0:25:04 > 0:25:07My initial reaction was I was kinda shocked.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13I'll take the car.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15- The weirdest... - LAUGHTER
0:25:15 > 0:25:21The weirdest part of the story is his confession to his dad.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- There's something pretty important I want to talk to you about.- All right.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27I'm, uh...just going to come out and say it, I guess.
0:25:27 > 0:25:32I'm in an intimate relationship with Chase.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Sexually and emotionally.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39You're in an intimate relationship with your car.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- LAUGHTER - His dad is totally fine! It goes on for ten minutes.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44They have a chat - "Yeah, cool!"
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Here's how that would have gone down with MY old man.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Guess what, Dad? I'm shagging the car.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52You fucking...!
0:25:52 > 0:25:53LAUGHTER
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Why can't you be more like your brother?!
0:25:58 > 0:25:59All right, Dad?
0:26:01 > 0:26:03HE GRUNTS
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Yeah, that was my actual brother.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08LAUGHTER
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Next up, a lovely story about a magical friendship
0:26:18 > 0:26:20between a boy called Owen and a dog called Haatchi.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24These two have a magical connection.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28- Owen and Haatchi are inseparable. - He changed my life.
0:26:29 > 0:26:34I was scared for ages before, but now I'm not.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38Their bond has been forged through a mutual understanding of what
0:26:38 > 0:26:40it's like to be different.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Seven-year-old Owen has a rare genetic condition called
0:26:43 > 0:26:48Schwartz-Jampel Syndrome. It causes severe muscle stiffness.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51We believe there's about 25-ish cases in the world.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55His mobility is poor. He can't walk unaided.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Anatolian Shepherd Haatchi has three legs.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00A previous owner tied him to a railway track
0:27:00 > 0:27:02and he was hit by a train.
0:27:02 > 0:27:07- WOMAN:- As soon as I saw his face, there was a connection that I can't describe, really,
0:27:07 > 0:27:09but I just knew that we belonged to him.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Owen knows Haatchi's different. Hatchie's got this missing leg.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17He's not perfect. He's not normal. He's not a normal dog.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19You can see when you look at them
0:27:19 > 0:27:22from a distance, there's sideways glances going on all the time.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24And they're sharing very private,
0:27:24 > 0:27:28intimate moments every few seconds and making sure each one's OK
0:27:28 > 0:27:30and that they're there for each other.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33And that is the most moving thing about it.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37He's a great dog to me. He changed my life.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Yeah, it's lovely, isn't it?
0:27:40 > 0:27:42APPLAUSE
0:27:45 > 0:27:49Thanks very much for watching Good News. Farewell, my chums, farewell.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd