0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:24 > 0:00:25Thank you!
0:00:26 > 0:00:30Hello! And welcome to Good News.
0:00:30 > 0:00:35So, what's been happening?
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Is it me, or are British troops not as good as they used to be?
0:00:38 > 0:00:41They will indeed stand out amongst their peers.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43And not only that.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46I think the police are getting smaller.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49They've received a lot of information...
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Here's a question.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54What the hell is this bloke doing under the table?
0:00:54 > 0:00:56So he's doing very well.
0:00:56 > 0:01:02He's available for selection to take place on Wednesday.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06Over on BBC Breakfast, one man broke the heart of children everywhere.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08There is no such thing as the dog poo fairy.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Noooo!
0:01:12 > 0:01:15And finally, did anyone else see the moment
0:01:15 > 0:01:18this guy realised life was meaningless?
0:01:18 > 0:01:21For 15 years, promised solutions... (VOICE FADES INTO MUSIC)
0:01:21 > 0:01:25# Hope there's someone who'll take care of me
0:01:25 > 0:01:31# When I die, will I go...? #
0:01:37 > 0:01:42So, what's been happening? Well, there's been some huge alien news.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45The Ministry of Defence has explained why it decided
0:01:45 > 0:01:46to scrap its UFO desk
0:01:46 > 0:01:50after 60 years of recording alien sightings and abductions.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52The MoD's official reason for the closure
0:01:52 > 0:01:55is that UFOs pose no threat to the UK.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00No threat to the UK? I'm not sure about that.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Check out this incredible interview from This Morning.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Stephanie Cohen claims she's often visited by aliens,
0:02:06 > 0:02:09who help to guide her through life.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11She also says that she has sex with them
0:02:11 > 0:02:13and has out of this world orgasms.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17She has sex with aliens.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20"We have travelled a million light years."
0:02:20 > 0:02:24"What do you want? To learn about our planet? Steal our minerals?"
0:02:24 > 0:02:26"No. A hand job."
0:02:30 > 0:02:33"It's going to take you a while. I've got three dicks."
0:02:34 > 0:02:37"What goes in Uranus stays in Uranus."
0:02:37 > 0:02:39LAUGHTER
0:02:41 > 0:02:45It's so ridiculous! Did you see the rest of her interview?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Check out the beautiful moment Phillip Schofield zinged her.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Why don't they show themselves?
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Because they're not really into showing off.
0:02:55 > 0:03:02They're very, um, quite reserved in themselves.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Well, they have sex with you at a bus stop. That's not very reserved.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10Boom!
0:03:13 > 0:03:17"They're so shy." Whatever! One fingered you in KFC.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Of all the things aliens could do -
0:03:20 > 0:03:23visit Mars, travel the solar system -
0:03:23 > 0:03:25"No, I'm going to pork someone on a Megabus."
0:03:29 > 0:03:30It gets better.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31I love the highly scientific way
0:03:31 > 0:03:34that Phillip was trying to prove the existence of aliens.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Tell them to go into my dressing room now
0:03:36 > 0:03:38and tell me what's in my briefcase.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41"What's in my briefcase? Then I will believe.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42"I don't want to see one,
0:03:42 > 0:03:45"I just want to know what's in my briefcase."
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Now, what follows is, for me,
0:03:46 > 0:03:50one of the strangest bits of TV that I have ever seen.
0:03:50 > 0:03:57I'm trying to, myself, to look into a briefcase myself. Um...
0:03:57 > 0:03:59What do you see?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21I don't know, I just see the briefcase.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26I love it! After all that.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28APPLAUSE
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Don't worry. I know what's in there.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Ha ha ha!
0:04:40 > 0:04:42What a night!
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Phillip Schofield is crazy!
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Now, next up, in education news,
0:04:50 > 0:04:53have you seen who the Government are getting to teach kids?
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Former soldiers are being encouraged to consider retraining as teachers
0:04:57 > 0:05:00under a new scheme which will allow them to qualify in just two years.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04Soldiers are going to be teachers? How scary will that be?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06"Hey, kids, what's four times four?"
0:05:06 > 0:05:08"I don't know."
0:05:08 > 0:05:10"Well, take a guess!"
0:05:13 > 0:05:15They'll have them marching in the playground.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19# Mr Adams is the best Cos he's former SAS
0:05:19 > 0:05:23# Caught me chewing gum in class Stuck that Wrigley's up my ass
0:05:23 > 0:05:27# I'm in trouble cos I fart bubbles... #
0:05:33 > 0:05:36It's madness. Kids and soldiers - not a good mix.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44LAUGHTER
0:05:44 > 0:05:48Mind you, if you think soldiers in the classroom is strange,
0:05:48 > 0:05:50look at what they banned in Australia.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54Blowing candles out on a birthday cake could be a no-no,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56because of strict new hygiene guidelines.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Children aren't allowed to blow out candles?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Well, that is going to change birthday parties.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03(ADULTS) Happy birthday!
0:06:17 > 0:06:20And you're adopted.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23Mind you, some kids are delighted.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25They kind of struggle with candles anyway.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38That's a clip I like to call Asthma Can Be Funny.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44Not that it's all bad news for kids. Look who's become an author.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51How lovely! I've actually got hold of a copy.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54'One day, Frankie saw a beautiful princess
0:06:54 > 0:06:57'locked away in a huge tower. He couldn't get her down.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00'His friend Peter Crouch couldn't help.'
0:07:00 > 0:07:02It's too high!
0:07:02 > 0:07:04'Nor could Luis Suarez.'
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Oh! My teeth!
0:07:07 > 0:07:11'In the end, he got her down the only way he knew. She was so beautiful.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15'They kissed and fell asleep in each other's arms.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19'Unfortunately, when Frank woke, John Terry was fucking her."
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Yeah!
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Some peculiar health news knocking around.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36Have you heard about the strange new condition sweeping the globe?
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Now, a scientific name for people who get pleasure
0:07:39 > 0:07:41from the most banal activities.
0:07:41 > 0:07:47It's called autonomous sensory meridian response, or ASMR.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Apparently, there are millions of people around the world
0:07:50 > 0:07:52who watch deliberately dull videos
0:07:52 > 0:07:56for the pleasurable sensations that they generate.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Some people are addicted to watching dull videos.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03It's basically tedium porn. That's what it is.
0:08:03 > 0:08:09"Yeah, baby, use that hairdryer. Oh, God.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12"Oh, I'm going to have a bore-gasm!"
0:08:12 > 0:08:15There's already a name for people
0:08:15 > 0:08:18who get pleasure from utterly banal shit.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20They're called Beliebers.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22LAUGHTER
0:08:26 > 0:08:29I love what they're called, you know?
0:08:29 > 0:08:31They call themselves boredom addicts.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33What are their dealers like?
0:08:33 > 0:08:37"Check it, man. I've got a video on soil erosion.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39"Yo, I've got a 300-page pamphlet
0:08:39 > 0:08:43"on the most efficient way to bleed a radiator.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45"You is gonna find it well tedious."
0:08:45 > 0:08:47You know the strangest thing?
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Apparently, when boredom addicts see dull videos,
0:08:50 > 0:08:55it triggers the same sensation as an epileptic fit.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56Check out this guy's reaction.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Is it a meditative state?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00It could be either a meditative state if it's real,
0:09:00 > 0:09:03or could be something like a fit.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09"Fucking brilliant!
0:09:10 > 0:09:12"Do they piss themselves? Amazing!"
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Mind you, we shouldn't be too harsh,
0:09:14 > 0:09:17because what one person finds boring, another doesn't.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20I mean, you guys might not be into spinning seals.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22I...
0:09:24 > 0:09:26I'm a huge fan.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30# You spin me right round, baby Right round
0:09:30 > 0:09:33# Like a record, baby Right round, round, round
0:09:33 > 0:09:37# You spin me right round, baby Right round
0:09:37 > 0:09:41# Like a record, baby Right round, round, round... #
0:09:42 > 0:09:44I could honestly watch that for hours.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48And it doesn't always have to be seals.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51# You spin me right round, baby Right round
0:09:51 > 0:09:55# Like a record, baby Right round, round, round... #
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Next up, have you seen where you can now stay in Liverpool?
0:10:00 > 0:10:03The boutique Titanic hotel, floating on Liverpool's Albert Dock,
0:10:03 > 0:10:07has an uplifted stern and downward slanting portholes,
0:10:07 > 0:10:10to give the impression of a sinking vessel.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15A Titanic-themed hotel. What next, the Jimmy Savile creche?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17AUDIENCE: Oh!
0:10:17 > 0:10:20This is madness. Absolute madness.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28What if it sinks? They won't notice!
0:10:28 > 0:10:31"Oh, this is very authentic, Brian.
0:10:31 > 0:10:36"Look at the water gushing into our room. Oh, bollocks."
0:10:36 > 0:10:39This is honestly what I'd do.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40If I owned the land opposite,
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I'd build a hotel shaped like an iceberg.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Just them waking up the next morning - "Fucking hell!"
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Still, there are worse places to stay.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58That's a genuine hotel. It's a genuine hotel.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03From poor taste to a bizarre discovery on a beach.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04A man from Morecambe
0:11:04 > 0:11:07believes he's come across a rare discovery on a beach
0:11:07 > 0:11:09that could be worth more than £100,000.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13It's ambergris, a dried piece of whale vomit.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17He found a piece of whale vomit that's worth 100 grand.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Must be great being a whale. Imagine that. "I'm skint. Huuuh!
0:11:20 > 0:11:23"All right!"
0:11:25 > 0:11:29Actually, it'd be quite annoying, because the fins, they can't get...
0:11:30 > 0:11:33They'd have to get a dolphin to put their nose down...
0:11:33 > 0:11:35AUDIENCE: Oh!
0:11:35 > 0:11:38No, I'm saying to get the sick from...
0:11:38 > 0:11:40I'm not actually...
0:11:42 > 0:11:44So why is it worth so much?
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Ambergris is used to make perfume, and it's extremely rare.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49Perfume?
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Well, that is going to change the ads.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57She is the sun.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02She is the moon.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03She...
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Fuck's sake!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Thank Christ it weren't a sperm whale.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29Now, some truly brilliant crime stories from America this week.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32First up, an evil overlord has been stealing drugs from the police.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Wichita police say three bags of marijuana were torn open
0:12:36 > 0:12:39at a storage facility and the evidence taken.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43Not by thieves, not by evidence tamperers,
0:12:43 > 0:12:45but by hungry stoner mice.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Well, that is bollocks.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Clearly, the police have taken it and come up with an excuse.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57"Who took the dope?" "Stoner mice?"
0:12:58 > 0:13:01"What about the cocaine?" "Bloody Mafia badgers."
0:13:06 > 0:13:08"They hid the coke in their stripes."
0:13:10 > 0:13:13So you're probably thinking the police left it at that. Oh, no!
0:13:13 > 0:13:15They really want to get this guy.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17We do have a sketch artist
0:13:17 > 0:13:21that came and did a rendering
0:13:21 > 0:13:25of who we believe is responsible
0:13:25 > 0:13:27for the marijuana heist.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Unbelievable.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34And not only that.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37They've also got their best detective on it.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Could you go back to that photo?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44How droopy are his tits?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Brother's hung low.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Now, from joy to a cripplingly sad story
0:13:51 > 0:13:56about a man who had something very dear to his heart taken from him.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00The man says it's taken him years and thousands of dollars
0:14:00 > 0:14:05to assemble the collection of vintage pornography stolen from his home.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Police say burglars took the collection
0:14:07 > 0:14:10and a couple of flatscreen TVs during a break-in this week.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14That's right, he had his porn stolen, and it made the news.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17So you're probably thinking, "I doubt he did an interview about it."
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Oh, guess again.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21My porn collection is valuable, man.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24My collection was the best in Michigan.
0:14:24 > 0:14:29A guy in Connecticut told me that. It was stacked about this high.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32"They took the lot, man. Men In Crack, gone.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36"Jizzy Jeff And The Gash Prince, gone.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41"But worst of all, I'm gonna shed a tear here, but worst of all...
0:14:44 > 0:14:47"Them bastards took my anal videos.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50"Although even I can see the poetic irony
0:14:50 > 0:14:52"that I did leave my back door wide open."
0:14:59 > 0:15:02So was his wife as upset as him? Not really.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04I went in the bedroom, and I told him
0:15:04 > 0:15:08"You really getting ready to be mad."
0:15:08 > 0:15:11He said "Why?" I said "All your porn's gone!"
0:15:14 > 0:15:19She's so happy! "Ding dong, your porno's gone, your porno's dead.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22"Maybe I'll see a little more action and a little less traction."
0:15:23 > 0:15:27Apparently, the police are hunting down this porno thief.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28I think I know who it was.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31So he's doing very well...
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Now it's time for a very special mystery guest -
0:15:40 > 0:15:42as a treat, the production team have found me
0:15:42 > 0:15:46someone special to interview, and I have to find out who that person is.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Please welcome my mystery guest!
0:15:48 > 0:15:49APPLAUSE
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Hello!
0:16:01 > 0:16:02(MUFFLED) Nice to talk to you.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Well, it would appear that Joe Pasquale's bulked up.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- Can I peer around you? Is that allowed?- You can indeed.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16That's quite a big beard.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19If you don't mind me saying, sizeable balls.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22I'm very well endowed.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- The polar bears don't complain.- Wow.
0:16:27 > 0:16:32- I'll shag anything that moves. - OK.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36I think I know who it is. Can you make that noise again?
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- Yes, yes, indeed.- Oh, I know exactly who it is.- Who is it?
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Is it really? Wow, it is.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- Is it Brian Blessed?- It is, my son!
0:16:44 > 0:16:45CHEERING
0:16:48 > 0:16:49Wow!
0:16:53 > 0:16:55- Wow!- Marvellous.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58Yes!
0:17:02 > 0:17:06And I want to say to you all, Gordon's alive!
0:17:09 > 0:17:11I love you so much.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14You know, I'd love to go on the lash with you.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Can you do me a favour? This is a personal request.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Can you look down the camera and say...
0:17:19 > 0:17:22In fact, I'll whisper it to you so that it's a surprise.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26- I need you to say two things for me. Number one.- What? Do it again.
0:17:26 > 0:17:27LAUGHTER
0:17:30 > 0:17:31LIQUID ARSE!
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Was that it?
0:17:33 > 0:17:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:34 > 0:17:38And the other one...
0:17:38 > 0:17:41AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!
0:17:41 > 0:17:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Brian, do you mind if I ask you a question
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- about your deep, powerful voice? - Yes.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02- Because you're something of an explorer.- Yes.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I worry about you.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07There could be an avalanche when you're going...
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Do you ever get into scary situations?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13I'm the oldest man to reach the North Pole
0:18:13 > 0:18:14and the Magnetic North Pole.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16We were followed by polar bears,
0:18:16 > 0:18:21and some of the lads on the British expedition had got guns.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23And I said, because I love animals,
0:18:23 > 0:18:26I've got 3,000 animals that I have to support, all rescued,
0:18:26 > 0:18:28I'm not going to kill an animal.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32But one night, eventually it got closer and closer, the polar bear.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35It's his territory. And the polar bear got closer and closer.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38I'll never forget. Fucking arseholes.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42It came, it tore through the tent.
0:18:42 > 0:18:47There was this face, and I just went "Aaagh!",
0:18:47 > 0:18:49straight in its fucking face.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52LAUGHTER
0:18:52 > 0:18:54- It's true.- Is that true?
0:18:57 > 0:19:01And it buggered off. We never saw it again.
0:19:01 > 0:19:06Wouldn't it be great if there's a parallel world where there's a polar bear telling that story?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08"I met that Brian Blessed. The guy's absolutely bonkers.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11"I just wanted an autograph, and he punched me in the fucking face.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15"I went home and went..."
0:19:15 > 0:19:17You beat up a polar bear?
0:19:17 > 0:19:20If there is a God, and there isn't, but if there was,
0:19:20 > 0:19:21he would be looking down on you and going
0:19:21 > 0:19:23"That's how you make 'em."
0:19:24 > 0:19:29- Who's ever punched a polar bear? - I know. God, it was amazing.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32You have an instinct. That's your gift.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35You have an instinct to bring joy.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39There is no situation that you can't improve. That's your major skill.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- You met a polar bear, this is going to be awkward...- Bash.
0:19:42 > 0:19:47- You're also, may I say this, one of the finest swearers we have.- Yes.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Yes, yes.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Have we got the clip of him swearing? Oh, my God.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53You have to see this.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56This is terrible. I don't normally swear.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00..Fucking sphincter, arsehole, up your arse, up your BLEEP,
0:20:00 > 0:20:05fucking sideways, you boring fucking whore, fuck off, you cow!
0:20:06 > 0:20:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:11 > 0:20:15# Nobody does it better... #
0:20:17 > 0:20:21If we could go on this sort of magical, drunken quest,
0:20:21 > 0:20:23where would we go?
0:20:23 > 0:20:26My ultimate night out would be with you and Boris Johnson.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30Thing is, where would we end up? One of us would end up dead.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34I'm very fond of Doris, but he's a bit of a BLEEP.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Look, I'll...
0:20:39 > 0:20:44You know... I met him at a car park about a year,
0:20:44 > 0:20:47or a few months ago at the BBC. "I can't park anywhere",
0:20:47 > 0:20:49and looking at me as if I'm responsible.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51I'm only doing a voiceover.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53"We can't park anywhere. Why is this?"
0:20:53 > 0:20:56"Well, don't fucking ask me", I said.
0:20:56 > 0:21:01"Why don't you shut your fucking mouth and give your arse a chance?"
0:21:01 > 0:21:02LAUGHTER
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Wow.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07Which is wonderful.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10But what strikes me about you, what I find fascinating about you,
0:21:10 > 0:21:14you seem very comfy in your own skin, which is an amazing trait.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18What is your tip? Because every time, see the atmosphere -
0:21:18 > 0:21:22just coming on, you provide joy. What's your thing?
0:21:22 > 0:21:27- I love life.- And life loves you. - Yes! And I also love myself.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31- I'm very deeply in love with myself. - Why not? But I would be.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35You look so manly, it looks like you created that beard just by going...
0:21:37 > 0:21:39..And it leaps out.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Yes! I think you've got to really love yourself.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45To love oneself is to have a lifelong romance.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:52 > 0:21:54I would say to you,
0:21:54 > 0:22:00I have now fully become a fully trained cosmonaut in Moscow.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02I've done 800 hours.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Centrifuge, mid-20s, mid-25s, and I'm now first reserve
0:22:06 > 0:22:10for the International Space Station, and I'll be going there next year.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Wow.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16I'm 76. I won't be restricted. You follow your dream!
0:22:16 > 0:22:18There's no-one like you.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21We've all got something that no-one else has got.
0:22:21 > 0:22:27- Follow your dream, and don't let the bastards grind you down.- Yeah!
0:22:27 > 0:22:28CHEERING
0:22:30 > 0:22:37SPEECH DROWNED BY APPLAUSE
0:22:37 > 0:22:38Go for it!
0:22:38 > 0:22:45Ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Mr Brian Blessed!
0:22:45 > 0:22:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:53 > 0:22:59Next up, huge science news that could benefit all of mankind.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01A team of scientists has been on a mission
0:23:01 > 0:23:03to discover our cats' secret lives.
0:23:03 > 0:23:08The BBC's Horizon team placed 50 cats from a quiet village in Surrey
0:23:08 > 0:23:11under intense surveillance, fitting them with cameras
0:23:11 > 0:23:13to record their activities.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16That's right. Scientists are going to film some cats.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Some were shocked.
0:23:21 > 0:23:22Some were quite happy.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28"Film that, bitch."
0:23:28 > 0:23:29So ridiculous, isn't it?
0:23:29 > 0:23:32They want to analyse the secret lives of cats.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35What do they think they're going to find out?
0:23:35 > 0:23:38"By day, I eat and sleep. By night...
0:23:38 > 0:23:42"I dress up as a polar bear and try and meet up with Brian Blessed...
0:23:45 > 0:23:48"To avenge that day!"
0:23:52 > 0:23:54It is pretty pointless, because you picture
0:23:54 > 0:23:56a load of scientists in a lab -
0:23:56 > 0:23:59"Shall we cure AIDS? Try and eradicate cancer?"
0:23:59 > 0:24:00"Nah. Let's just watch this."
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Now, my final story of the night concerns joy.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Did you know that last Friday was...
0:24:12 > 0:24:16You're telling me. I had a belter of a day.
0:24:16 > 0:24:24# And it's always you and me Always and for ever... #
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Hey!
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Ha ha ha!
0:25:02 > 0:25:03DONG!
0:25:26 > 0:25:28You know, I'm really going to miss you.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32I'm going to miss you too, you wonky-eyed fuck!
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Hey, sugar cakes. Let's bounce.
0:25:45 > 0:25:46HE MOUTHS
0:25:48 > 0:25:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:50 > 0:25:53I love that man. I love that man so much.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02Finally tonight, a story about a boy called Tommy with an amazing talent.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11I'm Tommy Carroll. I've been skating since I was 10.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17I was born with bilateral retinoblastoma,
0:26:17 > 0:26:19which is cancer of the retinas.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23And since it was caught late, I was left blind by the age of two.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26One of my favourite things is to wake up early
0:26:26 > 0:26:28and get to the skate park before anybody else,
0:26:29 > 0:26:33because I can really use every inch of that place
0:26:33 > 0:26:36and not have to worry about anybody being in the way,
0:26:36 > 0:26:39and it really gives me great time to express myself on a board
0:26:39 > 0:26:42and skate to the fullness of my abilities.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14All I do is based on sound.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17I'm constantly using the sound of my wheels
0:27:17 > 0:27:20to check if there's anything in my way, get my sense of direction,
0:27:20 > 0:27:22all that kind of stuff.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28I think everybody should know that everything happens for a reason,
0:27:28 > 0:27:33and that there's always a way to overcome an obstacle
0:27:33 > 0:27:34if you really want it enough.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51What a dude. What a dude. Thanks very much for watching Good News.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55Thank you so much. Good night, my friends. Farewell. Good night.
0:27:55 > 0:27:56CHEERING
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:24 > 0:28:25LAUGHTER
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Who are these people?