0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25CHEERING
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Hello, hello, hello.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30And welcome to a special edition of Good News, Best Bits.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Now, we've had amazing stories this series,
0:00:32 > 0:00:34tonight, I'm showing my favourites
0:00:34 > 0:00:36with a few extra unseen bits thrown in for good measure.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38So...enjoy.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Now, what's been happening?
0:00:40 > 0:00:44The BBC interviewed the worst Boris Johnson lookalike ever.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45I've always had concerns about this...
0:00:45 > 0:00:47LAUGHTER COVERS SPEECH
0:00:47 > 0:00:51That is nothing. Did anyone else see that gnome wanking on the news?
0:00:51 > 0:00:56Gnomes banned for 100 years have been spotted here at Chelsea.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01LAUGHTER
0:01:01 > 0:01:03And finally, is it me,
0:01:03 > 0:01:06or does Nick Owen really have a favourite co-host?
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Welcome to Midlands Today with Mary Rhodes.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Hello! Welcome to Midlands Today with Mary Rhodes.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Mary Rhodes. Mary Rhodes. Mary Rhodes.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14Mary Rhodes. Mary Rhodes.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:21 > 0:01:22In political news,
0:01:22 > 0:01:26Cameron's been having a tough time trying to make gay marriage legal.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29The Prime Minister is facing opposition from within his own party
0:01:29 > 0:01:31as the bill to allow same-sex marriage
0:01:31 > 0:01:34in England and Wales returns to the House Of Commons.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37You're telling me. Now, loads of Tories were outraged.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39- UPPER-CLASS ACCENT: - "It's disgusting! It's appalling!"
0:01:39 > 0:01:43But Norman Tebbit wins my award for over-reaction of the week.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44Did you see what he said?
0:01:46 > 0:01:48LAUGHTER
0:01:48 > 0:01:50- APPLAUSE - What?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00"Gay marriage may lead to a lesbian Quee..."?!
0:02:00 > 0:02:04I'd love to have seen the Queen's face when she read that.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05- AS THE QUEEN:- Philip!
0:02:06 > 0:02:10It says here that, if they pass gay marriage, I'll become a lesbian!
0:02:11 > 0:02:15- WHISPERING BREATHY VOICE:- Really?
0:02:15 > 0:02:16Can I watch?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Hello, Kelly Brook? I'm sending a cab.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- LAUGHTER - I tell you what,
0:02:22 > 0:02:24this is going to change the Queen's Speech.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- AS THE QUEEN:- Britain, I've got an announcement to make.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30I'm off the crown jewels.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34From now on I shall be known as "Your Vajesty".
0:02:34 > 0:02:37- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Yah. Yah.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38Yah, yah.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Yah. Yah, yah.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Gay marriage will lead to a lesbian Queen?!
0:02:44 > 0:02:47What, and I suppose it'll make Prince Harry do this?
0:02:49 > 0:02:50Mind you...
0:02:52 > 0:02:55..if you think what Norman Tebbit said was insane,
0:02:55 > 0:02:57look what this bloke in America did.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00A dog owner sends his pet to be euthanised
0:03:00 > 0:03:02because he thinks his dog is gay.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06The pup was humping another male dog.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09The owner told shelter workers he refuses to have a gay dog.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- CHUCKLING - Yeah.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14He wants his dog to be killed cos he's gay!
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- Poor dog. - AUDIENCE: Aw.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17Yeah!
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Imagine him in the pound.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21What are you in for? Too old. You?
0:03:21 > 0:03:23- Too fabulous! - LAUGHTER
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- CAMP AMERICAN ACCENT: - Fetch your bone?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Honey, I don't even know your name.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:34 > 0:03:38The big news this week, it's all been kicking off in Korea.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42Tension on the Korean peninsula is running at dangerous levels.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Kim Jong-Un is seen as a loose cannon by the West,
0:03:45 > 0:03:49but no-one can really second guess how this crisis will play out.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51North Korea said it's planning to fire another missile
0:03:51 > 0:03:54over the Pacific Ocean, possibly as early as tomorrow.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Are you worried about nuclear threat?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- AUDIENCE: No! - Me neither.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59I've seen their rockets.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04LAUGHTER
0:04:04 > 0:04:05They've got nothing.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- APPLAUSE - Literally nothing.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Check out their binoculars.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17LAUGHTER
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Their leader Kim Jong-Un has threatened to start a nuclear war,
0:04:20 > 0:04:22but no-one's worried, are we?
0:04:22 > 0:04:25He's like the mad kid at school that just makes things up.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26I've got missiles and rockets
0:04:26 > 0:04:27and a flying monkey that's got lasers for eyes.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29And my dog is made of marshmallows
0:04:29 > 0:04:31and when it barks it fires sweets that haven't even been invented yet.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33And my dad's so cool, he wees Coca-Cola.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36LAUGHTER
0:04:37 > 0:04:39He calls himself the Supreme Leader.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42That doesn't make him sound scary, that makes him sound like a pizza.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48He's SUCH an oddball. Do you know he cuts his own hair?
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- What with? A rock? - RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
0:04:51 > 0:04:55It's a scary old place, North Korea. It's like something out of 1984 -
0:04:55 > 0:04:57the people are brainwashed, terrified.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Every time you see them on the news, they've CLEARLY been forced
0:05:00 > 0:05:01to say something against their will.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03TRANSLATION:
0:05:06 > 0:05:08HE WHIMPERS
0:05:08 > 0:05:09But I've actually got hold of a machine
0:05:09 > 0:05:11which tells you what they're REALLY thinking.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:42 > 0:05:43I like that.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Have you seen their military propaganda videos?
0:05:46 > 0:05:50They're ridiculous. They're full of things they can't possibly do.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Leaping, jumping, leaping through fire.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53It's true. Take a look at this.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56ROUSING MUSIC
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Mind you, we've all done propaganda videos.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29You should see the trailer for Good News that I wanted to show.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32ROUSING MUSIC
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Ahhh!
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Unh!
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Huh!
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Argh!
0:06:47 > 0:06:48Ahh!
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Ahh!
0:07:01 > 0:07:02Argh!
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Hey!
0:07:06 > 0:07:08HE UNZIPS
0:07:11 > 0:07:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:19 > 0:07:22# Baby, baby, baby, ooh! #
0:07:25 > 0:07:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Elsewhere this week, have you seen who fancies being London Mayor?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Eddie Izzard says he's prepared to take the flak
0:07:35 > 0:07:38for wanting to pursue a career in politics.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39In a recent magazine interview,
0:07:39 > 0:07:41the comedian confirmed
0:07:41 > 0:07:43he will seek the Labour nomination for Mayor of London.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Wow.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Eddie Izzard versus Boris Johnson.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53That could be the most amazing, surreal debate ever.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- I want a party with values. - Reduce crime and disorder.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- Invade Birmingham! - Pelted with porkpies!
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Take your buttocks and sell them to the Chinese.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- I'm going to do that. - Porkpie hats on a raptor.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04- Kill a rabbit.- Chicken undertakers.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- Beetroot juice!- Chocolate Hobnobs.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08- Macaroon.- Cake mix.- Cyborg.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09- Tutti.- Badger.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11- Pigs and squirrels.- Wif-waf! - Helicopters!
0:08:11 > 0:08:13- Bicycles.- Bonk.- Codswallop.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15- What?- Flabbergasted.
0:08:15 > 0:08:16- Lipstick.- Pussycat.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19- Bisexual hermaphrodite.- Very nice.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - That....is a debate we'd all watch.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Elsewhere this week, big drama for Simon Cowell.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32There was added drama and excitement
0:08:32 > 0:08:35on the live final of Britain's Got Talent tonight.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37A young woman appeared to get up from the orchestra
0:08:37 > 0:08:41and pelted the judges, including Simon Cowell, with eggs.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44# Ohhh!
0:08:44 > 0:08:49# And, oh, to dream
0:08:49 > 0:08:50# The impossible... #
0:08:50 > 0:08:52One egg nearly hit Simon in the face,
0:08:52 > 0:08:55but luckily, his belt protected him.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- LAUGHTER - It's...it's a shame we're talking about eggs,
0:08:58 > 0:09:00we should be talking about the winners.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03They're called Attraction. Did you see them? They're amazing.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05# Oh-oh, oh, oh-oh
0:09:05 > 0:09:07# I wanna sing
0:09:07 > 0:09:09# I wanna shout
0:09:09 > 0:09:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:12 > 0:09:14# I wanna scream till the words dry out
0:09:14 > 0:09:18# So put it in all of the papers
0:09:18 > 0:09:20# I'm not afraid
0:09:20 > 0:09:23# They can read all about it
0:09:23 > 0:09:26# Read all about it, oh... #
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Incredible, moving images there.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Mind you, have you seen their outtakes?
0:09:31 > 0:09:32They're a bit full-on.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34# Come on, come on
0:09:34 > 0:09:35# You've gotta...
0:09:35 > 0:09:38CHEERING
0:09:38 > 0:09:41LAUGHTER
0:09:55 > 0:09:57I tell you what,
0:09:57 > 0:10:01I cannot wait to see them perform that at the Royal Variety.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09This is a new bit of the show called Headliners,
0:10:09 > 0:10:12where members of the public persuade me why they should be
0:10:12 > 0:10:14making the headlines. Please welcome my Headliners!
0:10:14 > 0:10:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- Hello.- Hello.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21- Madam, what is your name? - Michelle Sullivan.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Why should you be in the news?
0:10:24 > 0:10:27I am the world record holder of the largest collection
0:10:27 > 0:10:29of sheep collectables.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Are you the only person that collects?
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Who is your nearest rival? I think it's me, with one.
0:10:37 > 0:10:42- How many have you got?- 777.- Get in!
0:10:42 > 0:10:46How many sheep have you got, inflatable or otherwise?
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- I have none.- Would you like one?- No.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50OK.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54- I've got a few sheep's skulls, though.- There you go.
0:10:54 > 0:10:5615-all in mad tennis.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Why have you been in the news?
0:11:02 > 0:11:06I am in the news because I eat roadkill.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08AUDIENCE GROANS
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Interestingly, that look you gave the audience was the last look
0:11:11 > 0:11:13animals give before they get run over.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- What have you got there? - I've got a badger's head.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Oh!
0:11:24 > 0:11:31- Did you kill it?- No. A head has five different tastes and textures.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Yeah. Rank,
0:11:33 > 0:11:37filthy, disgusting, horrible and evil.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41- You have obviously never tried one. - Of course I haven't, it's a badger!
0:11:43 > 0:11:47If you saw a vole with a lovely pot belly...
0:11:48 > 0:11:52..and just before you saw him, he'd danced in peri-peri spice...
0:11:53 > 0:11:56..would you put him on a George Foreman grill?
0:11:56 > 0:12:00I have eaten a vole, but you don't eat the belly.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03You don't eat the belly. What do you eat?
0:12:03 > 0:12:05You eat the other bits.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08Is this really upsetting you?
0:12:08 > 0:12:11There was a moment where one of your sheep went,
0:12:11 > 0:12:12"Oh, fucking hell."
0:12:15 > 0:12:17I like you, my friend. You're a very interesting man.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19It is commitment to come on TV and say you eat roadkill,
0:12:19 > 0:12:22so you are my favourite Headliner!
0:12:22 > 0:12:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Next up, check out what this man from Devon did.
0:12:39 > 0:12:46What?! How hammered do you have to be? "I fucking hate peanuts."
0:12:46 > 0:12:50"I fucking hate them. They're the most arrogant of all the nuts."
0:12:56 > 0:12:58"Fucking hell, that ambulance is all right!"
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Imagine him with the police. "She was gagging for it.
0:13:04 > 0:13:09"I got my dick out and she went, 'Woo-woo!' "
0:13:11 > 0:13:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:15 > 0:13:16If you think that is shocking,
0:13:16 > 0:13:19it's got nothing on the horror going on in British schools.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Finally, they've done something about this.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25A school in Essex has banned triangular flapjacks,
0:13:25 > 0:13:27saying they are too dangerous.
0:13:27 > 0:13:32The school in Canvey Island was told to cut them into squares
0:13:32 > 0:13:36or rectangles after a pupil was hit in the face by a flying flapjack.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40So ridiculous, isn't it? In America, kids are like, AK-47.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Over here, Mr Kipling.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Flapjacks. Do you reckon there's kids bragging outside school?
0:13:48 > 0:13:49"I got suspended." "What for?"
0:13:49 > 0:13:53"I was eating a flapjack that weren't shaped like an oblong.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55"I don't give a fuck!"
0:13:55 > 0:13:57School has really changed.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00When I was at school, bullies gave you dead legs, Chinese burns.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Now, they're giving you snacks!
0:14:03 > 0:14:05"You better watch out, Howard,
0:14:05 > 0:14:08"or you'll get a taste of my mum's delicious Madeira cake."
0:14:13 > 0:14:16"I wouldn't want to be you halfway through geography.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19"You is going to have a well-bad sugar crash."
0:14:19 > 0:14:25Next up, men, whatever you are doing, stop and pay attention.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27This is truly incredible.
0:14:32 > 0:14:37Squeezing... Exactly, squeezing boobs can prevent breast cancer!
0:14:37 > 0:14:41This is amazing and I'm not the only one who is excited.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45Yes! Yes!
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Let's get started, baby.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:55 > 0:14:57He's going to live!
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Did you hear about this?
0:15:00 > 0:15:03A local council candidate for UKIP faces criticism after
0:15:03 > 0:15:07allegedly posting anti-gay comments on Facebook.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11John Sullivan wrote that regular physical exercise in schools
0:15:11 > 0:15:14can prevent homosexuality.
0:15:14 > 0:15:19Exercise stops you being gay. How does that work?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21"I love cock so much."
0:15:27 > 0:15:29"Mmmm, tits!"
0:15:29 > 0:15:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Exercise stops you from being gay? That is bullshit.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44Shall I tell you why, my friends? Two words - Louis Spence.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48He is amazingly fit
0:15:48 > 0:15:51and I don't know if you've noticed this about Louis...
0:15:53 > 0:15:57..but when it comes to vagina, he ain't a diner.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Who would have guessed it, but plastic surgery is bad for you.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10A review into the UK's cosmetics industry has warned that
0:16:10 > 0:16:14injections used to plump up the skin are a crisis waiting to happen.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Fillers are treated too casually and could go horribly wrong.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20You're telling me!
0:16:20 > 0:16:23You went for the cheap option and it backfired horribly?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26"Buy cheap, buy twice," my mum always said.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28- It looks really painful. - It was agonising.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30I won't downplay it.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34Holy shit! It looks like a gibbon's arsehole.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38She looks like she's been on a date with Chris Brown.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41AUDIENCE GROANS
0:16:41 > 0:16:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:44 > 0:16:47APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:16:48 > 0:16:51He is, of course, an arsehole.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53"Woman, that's not how you pronounce umbrella."
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Now, why do women want big lips?
0:16:58 > 0:17:01I've never heard a bloke go, "What do I like in a woman?
0:17:01 > 0:17:03"I like it when they look like they're kissing a window."
0:17:07 > 0:17:11It's madness. I've never caught a trout and gone,
0:17:11 > 0:17:13"Fucking hell, he's all right!"
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Well let's hope fish DO have a five-second memory.
0:17:16 > 0:17:17Thwap!
0:17:17 > 0:17:19AUDIENCE GROANS
0:17:19 > 0:17:24Women are beautiful things. You don't need to change your body.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27It's like women who have their anuses bleached.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29What, are there men going, "She's pretty, she's clever,
0:17:29 > 0:17:32"she's funny, but her arsehole's mauve.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35"You know me, guys, I like mahogany sapphire."
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Trust me, ladies, if you let a guy bum you,
0:17:39 > 0:17:41he's not bothered about the colour.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44He's not going down there with a Dulux colour chart.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51"I'm terribly sorry, Cynthia, it's the wrong shade.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53"Let's call the whole thing off."
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Not that I'm against all plastic surgery. Did you hear about this?
0:18:06 > 0:18:12- Now, THAT would be amazing.- There you go, three pints.- Cheers, mate.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Elsewhere this week. Did you hear about this?
0:18:28 > 0:18:31A council in Buckinghamshire has given Wetherspoon's
0:18:31 > 0:18:33permission to open a pub on the M40.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37That's right, we're now going to have pubs on motorways!
0:18:37 > 0:18:41How British is that! "God, I'm tired from all this driving.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42"I need a Jagerbomb."
0:18:44 > 0:18:47"Dave, I'm not sure you should be driving!"
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- SLURRED:- "I'm fine, leave me alone, you don't own me."
0:18:50 > 0:18:54"Dave, you're not fine, you're still on the toilet.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58"You've got a pasty in your hand. Dave, you've shat yourself."
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Imagine driving when you're pissed.
0:19:02 > 0:19:07How much will the satnav freak you out? "In 100 yards, bear left."
0:19:07 > 0:19:09"Where?"
0:19:09 > 0:19:14"I hate bears. I'm going back, I need another drink."
0:19:17 > 0:19:21I love the reaction of people on Twitter.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Oh, yeah! We've actually got a photo of him parking.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38When he stepped out of the car, he went, "Should have gone to... Aagh!"
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Not that it's my favourite driving story of the week.
0:19:42 > 0:19:43This is wonderful!
0:19:43 > 0:19:47This dog is in the doghouse after causing his owner's truck to
0:19:47 > 0:19:50crash into a house in Redding.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53So what happened? How did a dog cause a crash?
0:19:53 > 0:19:57The driver had his dog in the front seat of his truck with him.
0:19:57 > 0:19:58The dog couldn't hold it any longer
0:19:58 > 0:20:02and started going to the bathroom right in the centre of the truck.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06That's right, his dog dropped his guts
0:20:06 > 0:20:08and he crashed into a house.
0:20:08 > 0:20:16"Mirror, signal... Oh, Rover! I said sit, you daft bastard. Sit!
0:20:16 > 0:20:19"You've dumped everywhere!"
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Christ, can you imagine what that car was like?
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Well, that is going to change the ads.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31"We buy any car... Except that one!"
0:20:31 > 0:20:33The Churchill dog in the back, "Oh, no!"
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Never have a dog in the front seat. Dogs don't give a toss.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41When they've got to go, they've got to go.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49That's right!
0:20:49 > 0:20:51No animal has that level of arrogance.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53"It's your wedding dress, is it?
0:20:53 > 0:20:56"Been looking forward to this day all your life, have ya?
0:20:56 > 0:20:59"Well, I need a piss.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01"And I'm going to go on your ankle."
0:21:01 > 0:21:04It's the way he swags up. "All right? Having a good day?
0:21:04 > 0:21:05"That's where that goes."
0:21:11 > 0:21:15- What's your name, my friend? - My name's Jake.- Of course it is.
0:21:15 > 0:21:16Go on then.
0:21:18 > 0:21:23Now, I have a theory, with a proper Cockney ding dong,
0:21:23 > 0:21:27that you should be able to create love and harmony throughout,
0:21:27 > 0:21:28but I need you to help me.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32This is...
0:21:32 > 0:21:36This is a traditional East London musical instrument.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38A banana?!
0:21:38 > 0:21:41What you have to do is, whenever there's a break in the music
0:21:41 > 0:21:46or the song, you have to hold it up and shout, "Have a banana!"
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- Right.- There's another thing you need to do.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53Every song in the Cockney style finishes exactly the same,
0:21:53 > 0:21:54which goes like this.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56# Da-da-da-da-da-da...
0:21:56 > 0:21:58# How is your father? #
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Fuck you.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Do it again, do it again. Do it again, I've got it.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09# Da-da-da-da-da-da...
0:22:09 > 0:22:11# How is your father? #
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Ask Jeremy Kyle.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15One more. One more. I've got one more.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17# La-da-da-da-da...
0:22:17 > 0:22:18# How's your father? #
0:22:18 > 0:22:20He never calls me.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Over in China, there's been a magical discovery.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Is time travel possible? Well, perhaps.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35A time travel tunnel apparently exists in China.
0:22:35 > 0:22:40You're telling me. Here I am before I went in the tunnel.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41And here I am afterwards.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47From time travel to a filthy radish.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Have you heard about the latest piece of art taking Japan
0:22:50 > 0:22:53by storm? Get ready for this. It's...
0:23:00 > 0:23:03That's right - an art piece that shows you what a radish looks like
0:23:03 > 0:23:05when it has an orgasm.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Do you want to see it? You know you do!
0:23:08 > 0:23:09- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Yes! Yes!
0:23:12 > 0:23:15ODD GROANING
0:23:19 > 0:23:22What the sweet Mary fuck was that?
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Who looks at a vegetable and thinks,
0:23:24 > 0:23:28"I wonder what they sound like when they're shagging"?
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Imagine if you heard your neighbour chopping up one of those.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33"Officer, there's a man abusing women!"
0:23:33 > 0:23:36"It's cool, he's just raping a turnip."
0:23:37 > 0:23:40If veg is getting sexy, how long before you go to Tesco
0:23:40 > 0:23:42and the carrots look like this?
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Some peculiar health stories knocking around.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Doctors have discovered an evil new disease.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53Watching your favourite soap opera could be bad for your health.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Doctors are worried we're becoming too much like the beer-guzzling,
0:23:57 > 0:23:59butty-eating characters in the show.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Apparently soaps make you ill. You're telling me.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05Five minutes of Emmerdale and you want to take your own life.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08"Mr Dingle, come quick, it's the farm!
0:24:08 > 0:24:11"Fucking Betty's sheep's got hiccups or something."
0:24:13 > 0:24:16If doctors want soaps to be healthier,
0:24:16 > 0:24:18it's really going to change EastEnders.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20EASTENDERS THEME PLAYS
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Pat...
0:24:23 > 0:24:24Pat.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27What is it, Barry?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I think I've overdone the yoga.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33EASTENDERS DRUMS PLAY
0:24:33 > 0:24:37In sports news, scandal has hit the world of horse racing.
0:24:37 > 0:24:42British horse racing has been hit by its biggest ever doping scandal
0:24:42 > 0:24:45after 11 horses from the Godolphin stable were found to have
0:24:45 > 0:24:47been drugged with banned steroids.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Apparently, they knew something was wrong
0:24:49 > 0:24:51when the horses ran the race with the jockey in his arms.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55"GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY!
0:24:55 > 0:24:57"Arrgggh!"
0:24:57 > 0:24:59APPLAUSE
0:24:59 > 0:25:00To be honest,
0:25:00 > 0:25:03it's not horses on roids you want to worry about.
0:25:03 > 0:25:04Some of them are on acid.
0:25:04 > 0:25:09# I'll speak a little louder I'll even shout
0:25:09 > 0:25:10# You know that I'm proud
0:25:10 > 0:25:13# And I can't get the words out
0:25:13 > 0:25:15# Oh, I... #
0:25:15 > 0:25:18And it didn't end well for that fellow.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21# Oh, I.... #
0:25:21 > 0:25:23LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:25:26 > 0:25:31Did you know that last Friday was the happiest day of the year?
0:25:31 > 0:25:35You're telling me! I had a belter of a day.
0:25:35 > 0:25:41# And it's always you and me, always
0:25:41 > 0:25:44# And forever You and me... #
0:25:44 > 0:25:48Hey, Pete! Pete! Weeeey!
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Ha-ha-ha!
0:25:53 > 0:25:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:55 > 0:26:00# You and me, always... #
0:26:09 > 0:26:12AUDIENCE GROANS
0:26:21 > 0:26:23PHRRT!
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Do you know, I'm really going to miss you.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50I'm going to miss you, too, you wonky-eyed fuck!
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Aw...
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Hey, Sugartits, let's bounce.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Ha-ha-ha!
0:27:03 > 0:27:05HE MOUTHS
0:27:05 > 0:27:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:08 > 0:27:11I love that man. I love that man so much.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17There you go. Hope you enjoyed that. Good night, my friends. Good night.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20APPLAUSE AND CHEERING