0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Hello! And welcome to Good News.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Now, one of the best things about my job, I get to choose
0:00:31 > 0:00:34loads of great comics to come and do a set on my show, and this
0:00:34 > 0:00:36is a special edition showing you all their very best bits,
0:00:36 > 0:00:38so, enjoy.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:42 > 0:00:45I guess we'd better sort some things out straight from the top, yeah?
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Deal with some issues.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50First of all, let's deal with the audio,
0:00:50 > 0:00:52what's going into your ear holes, mate.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54I'm not from here.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56I'm from somewhere else. From New Zealand.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Now, there's something about the New Zealand accent, isn't there?
0:00:59 > 0:01:01And I'll tell you what it is -
0:01:01 > 0:01:02it's sexy.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04LAUGHTER
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Oh, I know a few of you ladies have been affected
0:01:06 > 0:01:08in the downstairs region already.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11There's a lot of moisture in the air tonight.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13AUDIENCE GROANS
0:01:13 > 0:01:15It is such a sexy accent, I wouldn't be surprised
0:01:15 > 0:01:18if some of you ladies walked away a little bit pregnant tonight.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20It's one of those risks.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23It's also sexy enough there's probably a couple of guys tonight
0:01:23 > 0:01:25going, "Oh, my God, I've got a semi on!"
0:01:26 > 0:01:29And now all the posh people are sitting going, "Semillon?
0:01:29 > 0:01:31"That's a lovely glass of wine!"
0:01:31 > 0:01:32LAUGHTER
0:01:32 > 0:01:34"Mmm, I love vintage Semillon."
0:01:35 > 0:01:39That's the audio dealt with. Tick that box, we are moving on.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42To the visuals, or the visu-als,
0:01:42 > 0:01:44if you're a dick.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47I'm quite a hairy man, I don't mind admitting that.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Any other hairy men in the room?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Come on, roar like the bears you are!
0:01:51 > 0:01:53QUIET ROARS
0:01:54 > 0:01:57"Grrr! Not really a grizzly bear, more a teddy bear!
0:01:57 > 0:01:59"Go on! Put me in the room with your kids!"
0:01:59 > 0:02:01AUDIENCE GROANS
0:02:01 > 0:02:02Awkward, you're right. Awful.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05But at least you admit it,
0:02:05 > 0:02:07because there's too many guys out there who are hairy
0:02:07 > 0:02:11and don't admit it because they think the ladies don't like it.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Because, for too long...
0:02:13 > 0:02:15society has been telling us
0:02:15 > 0:02:18that the ladies don't like body hair on a man.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20For too LONG...
0:02:21 > 0:02:27..the movies have given us hairless men and told us they are beautiful!
0:02:27 > 0:02:30MENACINGLY: For too long.
0:02:30 > 0:02:35Magazines have said a hairy man is not your ideal man.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37But guess what, ladies?
0:02:37 > 0:02:38You love it.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42Oh, openly you don't admit it, but deep down you know there's nothing
0:02:42 > 0:02:46better than rubbing your faces into the downy softness of a man's back.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48GROANS
0:02:48 > 0:02:49Oh!
0:02:49 > 0:02:51It's one of life's little gifts!
0:02:51 > 0:02:53You have not spooned until you've spooned
0:02:53 > 0:02:55and got your face tickled at the same time.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56LAUGHTER
0:02:56 > 0:02:58And we all know that famous saying,
0:02:58 > 0:03:00"If you want great nookie,
0:03:00 > 0:03:01"bag yourself a wookiee."
0:03:01 > 0:03:03We all know that!
0:03:03 > 0:03:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:08 > 0:03:11So, I'm engaged - no surprises there.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13LAUGHTER
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Someone laughing more than they should at that.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19And it's lovely,
0:03:19 > 0:03:21mainly for him, but...
0:03:21 > 0:03:23It is. "I love him!"
0:03:23 > 0:03:25It's really nice. But, um...
0:03:28 > 0:03:29It's kind of weird, right,
0:03:29 > 0:03:34because I've only just got round to telling people I've got a boyfriend.
0:03:34 > 0:03:35I think loads of people do this -
0:03:35 > 0:03:39if you're in a social situation, you don't want to tell people
0:03:39 > 0:03:40that you've got a boyfriend,
0:03:40 > 0:03:43cos you don't want to ruin their lives?
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Come on, we've all been there.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50And I realised this was ridiculous when someone did it to me,
0:03:50 > 0:03:52and I didn't even fancy him.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56I'll explain what happened. He's a stand-up, so I can't say his name,
0:03:56 > 0:03:58and I had known him for about six months
0:03:58 > 0:04:00and he'd never mentioned a girlfriend.
0:04:00 > 0:04:01That's quite a long time, right?
0:04:01 > 0:04:05I would have liked to hear about his girlfriend, because I'm quite nosy.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08And he'd never mentioned it, so he must have thought that
0:04:08 > 0:04:13I fancied him and I did not, and this is how I deduced all of this.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Because, we were walking to a gig and his girlfriend was coming later
0:04:16 > 0:04:18but I didn't know she was coming to the gig,
0:04:18 > 0:04:20so we were walking to the gig, and I said to him,
0:04:20 > 0:04:22"I'm just going to get a packet of Wotsits."
0:04:24 > 0:04:27You know, because I like Wotsits.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28And I tell it like it is!
0:04:30 > 0:04:33And he said, "Oh...
0:04:33 > 0:04:37"My girlfriend likes Wotsits."
0:04:39 > 0:04:41"My girlfriend likes Wotsits."
0:04:41 > 0:04:44But then I've got to show the appropriate facial reaction to,
0:04:44 > 0:04:46"Right, I know you've just mentioned the G-bomb,
0:04:46 > 0:04:48"but I'm not bothered."
0:04:48 > 0:04:51While also showing the appropriate facial reaction to...
0:04:53 > 0:04:55"Someone else likes Wotsits?"
0:04:55 > 0:04:57LAUGHTER
0:04:57 > 0:04:59There's a lot going on!
0:04:59 > 0:05:00So I went with this...
0:05:03 > 0:05:04LAUGHTER
0:05:06 > 0:05:09And then I said, "I'll get her a packet, if you like,"
0:05:09 > 0:05:10which does sound bitter.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14I love X-Men, my favourite is Professor Xavier,
0:05:14 > 0:05:18cos that guy is in a wheelchair, but he can move things with his mind.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20But that's what I never understood -
0:05:20 > 0:05:22if you can move a huge building with your mind,
0:05:22 > 0:05:25shouldn't you be able to move your legs with your mind?
0:05:25 > 0:05:27LAUGHTER
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Like, I think he was just faking it for a better disability cheque.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37And in the new X-Men, there's this mutant, Darwin,
0:05:37 > 0:05:39and Darwin's mutant ability is to adapt.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Like, when Darwin puts his head underwater,
0:05:42 > 0:05:46he grows gills, he adapts. Which is amazing,
0:05:46 > 0:05:48but this guy's black in 1962 America.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50LAUGHTER
0:05:53 > 0:05:55It's like, hey, if you can grow gills on your face,
0:05:55 > 0:05:58you should probably not be black in 1962.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Adapt!
0:05:59 > 0:06:01LAUGHTER
0:06:01 > 0:06:03That's your mutant ability, Darwin!
0:06:03 > 0:06:06At one point in the movie the guy had bullet-proof skin, and I was like,
0:06:06 > 0:06:09"Dude, you wouldn't need that if you were just white!"
0:06:09 > 0:06:11LAUGHTER
0:06:13 > 0:06:17I love that I'm doing stand-up on TV, this is amazing,
0:06:17 > 0:06:19because on TV, whenever you do a joke about a black guy,
0:06:19 > 0:06:22what they do is show a black guy in the audience laughing
0:06:22 > 0:06:23so you guys know it's OK.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25LAUGHTER
0:06:25 > 0:06:28So next time I'm on TV I'm going to do a joke about a paraplegic midget
0:06:28 > 0:06:32just to watch the cameraman run around trying to find one after I say it.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34"We need to find one!"
0:06:34 > 0:06:36"Uh, there is short guy with a crutch."
0:06:36 > 0:06:37"Break his other leg!"
0:06:37 > 0:06:38LAUGHTER
0:06:39 > 0:06:42The problem is the world's a mess at the moment
0:06:42 > 0:06:44and nobody really cares about anything.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Like, you, what do you care about? See? Nothing.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47LAUGHTER
0:06:47 > 0:06:50But we do, and we've become revolutionaries.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53I'm not going to say we're like Che Guevara,
0:06:53 > 0:06:56but pretty much every T-shirt on every campus in the country
0:06:56 > 0:06:58is soon to have our faces emblazoned upon it.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Yeah, like this one...
0:07:00 > 0:07:01Fuck, I forgot to put it on.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04LAUGHTER
0:07:06 > 0:07:10SLOW PIANO MUSIC
0:07:14 > 0:07:19I believe it was Malcolm X that said, "By any means necessary."
0:07:19 > 0:07:22So we're going to march down to Parliament Square,
0:07:22 > 0:07:25hand in hand, linked together.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29And no matter how much the riot police bang their batons against their shields,
0:07:29 > 0:07:32no matter how much they push against us,
0:07:32 > 0:07:35we will not break hands and we will not break that link.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Unless there's a car coming, or one of us got to go toilet.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42This revolution is about breaking down fences,
0:07:42 > 0:07:44no Chaka Demus, just Pliers.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Handing out flyers about the revolution,
0:07:46 > 0:07:49saying that we've got to stand together, march together,
0:07:49 > 0:07:53fight together and, yeah, die together.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Not us, we're admin.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58But this revolution is about kicking down the doors of Primark saying,
0:07:58 > 0:08:03"Hey, brothers, rumour has it that you've-you've sourced materials
0:08:03 > 0:08:06"from sweatshops?! If that's true, stop it.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09"Now pass me a basket, that's not the only reason we came here, my mum needs new knickers."
0:08:09 > 0:08:11This revolution is now.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Conservative Government of the '70s and '80s, you closed minds,
0:08:14 > 0:08:16shut the coal mines, an uncompromising legacy
0:08:16 > 0:08:18still reverberates through these times.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21So, Margaret Thatcher, we're coming atcha, like Cleopatra,
0:08:21 > 0:08:22coming to catch ya.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Oh, you're dead, so we punched Meryl Streep instead.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27# Marching, fighting
0:08:27 > 0:08:31# Shaking our fists in the air
0:08:31 > 0:08:35# Which is a universal sign of anger. #
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Look, let's start sharing, caring, yeah?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40What's yours is mine, what's mine is yours.
0:08:40 > 0:08:41You, look - here.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Have my sock. That is yours.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Can I have your...wallet?
0:08:46 > 0:08:48LAUGHTER
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Well, give me my sock back, then, you fascist pig.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54We will not use wealth or peerage to enter Parliament.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58We will use intelligence and guerrilla tactics.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59"Look, security, a gorilla."
0:08:59 > 0:09:02And while the security man is looking we'll go past him
0:09:02 > 0:09:03and say, "Hey, MPs,
0:09:03 > 0:09:05"we've got to change what our reality is doing to our kids,
0:09:05 > 0:09:08"start putting down some proper bids, stop wearing your bullshit bib."
0:09:08 > 0:09:10"What's a bullshit bib?"
0:09:10 > 0:09:11"You know."
0:09:12 > 0:09:14# We are holding a revolt
0:09:14 > 0:09:17# We are revolting. #
0:09:18 > 0:09:21So, let's start sharing, caring, yeah?
0:09:21 > 0:09:22Let's all bow our heads
0:09:22 > 0:09:25and remember those that have died in violence
0:09:25 > 0:09:27with a minute of silence.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
0:09:32 > 0:09:34- Actually, a minute's a bit long, isn't it?- It is.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35LAUGHTER
0:09:35 > 0:09:38My teaching career began with a reception class
0:09:38 > 0:09:40in a primary school as a teaching assistant.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43They're aged four to five, loads of fun, they have so much energy.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46There is nothing funnier than a fat child...
0:09:46 > 0:09:48So I began in primary school.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50LAUGHTER
0:09:51 > 0:09:54And, yes, I did have a favourite. His name was Peter.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56His best line of written work read,
0:09:56 > 0:09:59"An egg is cold...
0:10:00 > 0:10:02"..like the sun."
0:10:03 > 0:10:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Possibly the worst analogy I've ever encountered.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15I put it on a wall display.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19There was another occasion, when the class were all changing for PE.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20Always a nightmare.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23The number of five-year-olds who cannot pull down their shorts
0:10:23 > 0:10:26without their pants needs to be addressed by parents.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32And the girl next to Peter had accidentally done this,
0:10:32 > 0:10:35she'd pulled everything down, and Peter's reaction was very sweet.
0:10:35 > 0:10:36He simply went...
0:10:36 > 0:10:38HE GASPS
0:10:38 > 0:10:40"No!"
0:10:40 > 0:10:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:48 > 0:10:49A lovely child.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52When I came to leave the school, Peter was a bit upset
0:10:52 > 0:10:55that I was leaving, and I got a bit upset that he was upset.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Until, that is, ladies and gents,
0:10:57 > 0:10:59he gave me this as a leaving present.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01- AUDIENCE:- Awww.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10LAUGHTER
0:11:10 > 0:11:12APPLAUSE
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Now...
0:11:17 > 0:11:20..never mind the fact that Mark is spelt,
0:11:20 > 0:11:22not only with a C...
0:11:22 > 0:11:23but with a U!
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Never mind the strange picture of a pink bunny
0:11:28 > 0:11:30about to commit suicide off the top of this house.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34We can even ignore
0:11:34 > 0:11:37the disproportionate size of the tree trunk.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44The picture is of a girl!
0:11:44 > 0:11:47LAUGHTER
0:11:47 > 0:11:52A great way to, like, teach children about death is with pets.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Psychologically, it's a great way to teach children about death.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58So, you know, like, you buy your child a hamster
0:11:58 > 0:12:01and then after five years when it's attached to it,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03you break its neck!
0:12:03 > 0:12:04And then you go, "Right,
0:12:04 > 0:12:08"now I'm going to teach you what's going to happen to Granny very soon."
0:12:08 > 0:12:12And then you die, and the circle continues, you know what I mean?
0:12:12 > 0:12:15But, like, when I was growing up we had this pet rabbit
0:12:15 > 0:12:19called Bubbles, and, like, Bubbles, I thought, had a great life.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23You know, just running around, pooing in our shoes.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26I was like, "There's a guy who knows how to party."
0:12:26 > 0:12:30You never know what's going on inside someone's head, lads,
0:12:30 > 0:12:33and one night, Bubbles got out of his hutch
0:12:33 > 0:12:36and he bit away at the wire in his hutch like this
0:12:36 > 0:12:39until it sort of came out in a long spear,
0:12:39 > 0:12:41and then he turned himself around,
0:12:41 > 0:12:44and he reversed his arsehole on to that spear.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48And it punctured every single organ on the way up.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52They say he died of a broken heart in the end.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55So, the next morning, my mother had to sort of...
0:12:55 > 0:12:56SQUELCH
0:12:56 > 0:12:58..him off the wire,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01and it was up to my neighbour, Jim Murphy,
0:13:01 > 0:13:03to bury Bubbles the rabbit, do you know what I mean?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06So Jim dug a grave for Bubbles as he remembered him,
0:13:06 > 0:13:08which is a small, little rabbit like this.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10But when rabbits die they don't die as they were,
0:13:10 > 0:13:13they die with their arms sort of longer than the ears
0:13:13 > 0:13:14and the legs longer than their short lives.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17So my first memory of death was standing in front of this grave
0:13:17 > 0:13:20with Jim Murphy in front of me going, "In the name of the Father
0:13:20 > 0:13:22"and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, amen.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25"Dear Jesus, we give you Bubbles the rabbit to bury,
0:13:25 > 0:13:28"to go to heaven with all the other angel rabbits..."
0:13:28 > 0:13:31I couldn't believe it, there was Jim Murphy in front of me
0:13:31 > 0:13:36shoving Bubbles into the grave with the end of his welly boot like this.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39And still to this day, lads, whenever I have bad sex...
0:13:41 > 0:13:43..I can't help but be reminded of Jim Murphy
0:13:43 > 0:13:46shoving that flaccid rabbit into a hole that was made for a live one.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Often, when I'm touring, before a show
0:13:50 > 0:13:52I'll have a lot of time to kill,
0:13:52 > 0:13:55so I'll sit at a bar and, I don't know if you do it here,
0:13:55 > 0:13:57but in the States when you order a drink
0:13:57 > 0:14:00they give you a napkin with it, and one thing I like to do
0:14:00 > 0:14:03is write a little note on the napkin and put it back at the bottom
0:14:03 > 0:14:07of the pile so that in a few weeks somebody gets a message from me.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10And I found a bunch of napkins that I wrote a ton of stuff on
0:14:10 > 0:14:13but never put back in the pile that I wanted to share with you.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15So here we go.
0:14:16 > 0:14:17Here they are.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19"Cheer up, Fatty."
0:14:23 > 0:14:26"It's OK to lie to old people."
0:14:28 > 0:14:32"This napkin gives you permission to talk about politics
0:14:32 > 0:14:34"even though you're drunk and uninformed."
0:14:37 > 0:14:41"You can lead a horse to water. Congratulations, Fuckface!"
0:14:44 > 0:14:46"You are an alchemist who can turn six beers
0:14:46 > 0:14:49into an awkward "three-week relationship."
0:14:51 > 0:14:52You are.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54LAUGHTER
0:14:54 > 0:14:56"Don't shit where you sleep either."
0:14:57 > 0:14:59And then, of course, lastly,
0:14:59 > 0:15:02"Have a baby. It'll save your marriage."
0:15:02 > 0:15:04LAUGHTER
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Sad to get but wonderful to leave.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:16 > 0:15:19I was in, this was last summer, I was in Manchester.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23Uh, England, not New Hampshire as you're assuming.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25And I was walking around, it was pretty late,
0:15:25 > 0:15:29it was midnight or one, and I was trying to get back to my hotel.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31And this guy came up to me and he was like,
0:15:31 > 0:15:33"Excuse me, are you from around here?"
0:15:33 > 0:15:35And I was like, "No." And he was like, "Great!"
0:15:35 > 0:15:38That's not good, that is not a person who wants time or directions.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41He is excited, I'm lost.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44And I sort of slowly start walking away, and he gets really mad
0:15:44 > 0:15:46and he goes, "Everybody thinks I want money!"
0:15:46 > 0:15:50And I was like, "I don't know what you want, I'm just leaving."
0:15:50 > 0:15:52And then he gets even more mad and he goes,
0:15:52 > 0:15:56"I just got off the bus. I'm from Czechoslovakia!"
0:15:57 > 0:16:00And I was like, "I have some very bad news for you, sir.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05"Your country has been dissolved.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08"I don't know when you got on the bus,
0:16:08 > 0:16:11"but it must have been the '90s
0:16:11 > 0:16:15"because your country no longer exists."
0:16:15 > 0:16:17One of the biggest losses to politics this year was
0:16:17 > 0:16:18the death of Margaret Thatcher.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22The funeral itself was marvellous television, a great state occasion.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24But my favourite bits of the footage
0:16:24 > 0:16:26were when the casket was processing through London,
0:16:26 > 0:16:28and it would cut back to the audience.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30There were some interesting people in the audience.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33You get the mix of dignitaries and some quite odd people.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36So you go, "There's John Gummer!
0:16:36 > 0:16:39"Oh, look, there's Nigel Lawson.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41"Is that Terry Wogan?!
0:16:41 > 0:16:44"How did he get on the guest list?" Incredible!
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Then they kept going back to the casket. No, no, no.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50There should have been an option on the Sky remote, on the red button,
0:16:50 > 0:16:54to just go through that audience and people-watch who was there.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56"Oh, my God, Robert Mugabe's there.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00"Seems to be getting on very well with Alex Zane.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02"Who invited him?"
0:17:02 > 0:17:04The worst thing was Facebook.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08Until Margaret Thatcher died, I thought Facebook was just for
0:17:08 > 0:17:12only posting flattering pictures of yourself, only bragging a little bit
0:17:12 > 0:17:14and for looking at people that you fancied,
0:17:14 > 0:17:16that's what most people use Facebook for.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19All of a sudden, on Facebook, everyone's a political commentator.
0:17:19 > 0:17:20When did this happen?
0:17:20 > 0:17:23And it didn't matter what people said about Thatcher's death,
0:17:23 > 0:17:25in my view everyone got it wrong.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28So we had people on there going, "Yeah, ding dong, the witch is dead!
0:17:28 > 0:17:31"I'm going to go out tonight and celebrate! Woo-hoo!"
0:17:31 > 0:17:33You think, whoa, whoa, an old lady has died.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36I know she was divisive, but there was a world before 1979,
0:17:36 > 0:17:38it's important people remember this. Then other people are going,
0:17:38 > 0:17:42"Yeah! Margaret Thatcher, I'm going to go out and celebrate her tonight.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44"She was the best Prime Minister this country's ever had.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46"And if you don't understand why, then get a job."
0:17:46 > 0:17:48You think, "Whoa, whoa. She was a divisive lady,
0:17:48 > 0:17:51"and parts of the North are still paying the price
0:17:51 > 0:17:52"for her divisive leadership."
0:17:52 > 0:17:54And then you get other people who said,
0:17:54 > 0:17:56"I know that some people are for or against Margaret Thatcher,
0:17:56 > 0:17:59"but can we just have a little bit of respect for the family?"
0:17:59 > 0:18:02And you think, "Oh, you sanctimonious prick!
0:18:02 > 0:18:03"Get over yourself."
0:18:03 > 0:18:07I love a good bus journey.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11The key to a good bus journey is having no-one sit beside you.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13So what do we all do? We put our bag down.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15As if people are going to walk by and be like,
0:18:15 > 0:18:19"Oh, I can't sit there, that person looks a lot like a bag!"
0:18:19 > 0:18:21No, they're going to be like,
0:18:21 > 0:18:25"Move your bag, you're not better than me, we're both on the bus, man!"
0:18:25 > 0:18:28If you don't want anyone to sit beside you on a bus,
0:18:28 > 0:18:30I will tell you all exactly what you have to do.
0:18:30 > 0:18:35Just act really excited for them to sit beside you.
0:18:35 > 0:18:40Just make solid eye contact and say, "This is the seat for you!
0:18:41 > 0:18:44"You can sleep here, it'll be the last time."
0:18:46 > 0:18:48I saw a lady drop a baby.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Accidentally, she wasn't just like, "I don't want this baby any more."
0:18:52 > 0:18:54It was an accident, she dropped the baby,
0:18:54 > 0:18:57and a baby's like the worst thing to drop in the world.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Cos if you drop a cell phone, you can do that trick
0:19:00 > 0:19:03where you put your foot out to catch the phone.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07But you cannot do that with a baby!
0:19:07 > 0:19:10It really just looks like you're drop-kicking a baby.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14And nobody is for that, we found out that day.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18I don't even like staying in, to be honest with you.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20The thing is, when you stay in you have to watch television,
0:19:20 > 0:19:23and I don't like much of the television that I'm watching,
0:19:23 > 0:19:26that my wife chooses, certainly. She loves X Factor.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Don't know if there are any X Factor fans in.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30- AWKWARD SILENCE AND COUGHING - OK.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32- LAUGHTER - Hmm.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36My problem with X Factor, right, is that they take people
0:19:36 > 0:19:38that are desperate to be famous,
0:19:38 > 0:19:41that are desperate to get on television, right?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Some of them are mentally unstable.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48And they take these people and they make them judges.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:56 > 0:19:58And we've got to watch this!
0:19:58 > 0:20:04And the thing is, they distil every contestant into their sob story.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06That's how much they're worth, their sob story.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09I'm watching the last series, they go to the judges' houses,
0:20:09 > 0:20:11and the guy comes out, one of the contestants, and he goes,
0:20:11 > 0:20:14SOBBING: "I mean, you know, my brother's not very well,
0:20:14 > 0:20:16"and erm...
0:20:16 > 0:20:20"he said that his one wish... you know...
0:20:20 > 0:20:22"would be to see me...
0:20:23 > 0:20:26"..in that studio, and it's just...!"
0:20:26 > 0:20:28And I think that's incredible.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Because I think, if I was in that guy's position,
0:20:31 > 0:20:34my one wish might be to get better.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Here we have somebody that's willing to throw that away
0:20:39 > 0:20:41so that his brother can do an Adele cover.
0:20:42 > 0:20:47I want to read you this article now which exemplifies what I mean
0:20:47 > 0:20:50about injecting fun into life.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51I'm playing the dating game at the moment.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53I don't know about you guys,
0:20:53 > 0:20:55but I thought games were supposed to be fun.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Sometimes I think I'd rather be playing Jumanji.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02I'm joking, of course, that would be horrid.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Dating's no picnic either,
0:21:04 > 0:21:07so I just want to read this article about alternative dating ideas
0:21:07 > 0:21:10from a popular London lifestyle listings magazine,
0:21:10 > 0:21:13"Alternative dating ideas for Londoners."
0:21:13 > 0:21:15It's pretty London-centric, but you'll get some of this stuff
0:21:15 > 0:21:18out in the provinces in a couple of years as well.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24OK, so I'm just going to read it. Can you play the romantic music, please?
0:21:24 > 0:21:25ROMANTIC MUSIC STARTS
0:21:25 > 0:21:28OK. "Looking for innovative dating ideas this weekend?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31"Well, you should be, you fucking little rat.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36"Everybody your age group and socio-economic bracket is dating,
0:21:36 > 0:21:38"so you should be too, you waste of sperm."
0:21:41 > 0:21:44"Here are our top ten alternative dating ideas for Londoners.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47"Number One, a salsa class.
0:21:47 > 0:21:52"Learn how to make salsa at one of London's many salsa stores.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54"Number Two, comedy on a bus.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58"Laughter can be a perfect ice-breaker on a first date,
0:21:58 > 0:21:59"but on a bus?!
0:21:59 > 0:22:03"This is comedy like you've never experienced it before.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05"Three, pebble washing in the Thames.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09"The Thames Museum runs free workshops, where every Sunday,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12"budding pebble washers or Geoffreys as they used to be called
0:22:12 > 0:22:15"for no reason, can take to the horrible riverbank
0:22:15 > 0:22:19"and wash the pebbles in baby oil, which is like sunflower oil
0:22:19 > 0:22:20"but extracted from babies."
0:22:20 > 0:22:22LAUGHTER
0:22:22 > 0:22:25"When the 16-hour session is finished, why not relax
0:22:25 > 0:22:31"by a burning pile of bin bags with a steaming bowl of alive mice?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34"Number Four, a tour of the Tube.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37"We take the Tube for granted. We ride it to and from work each day
0:22:37 > 0:22:40"and when we get home we cry.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42"But the Tube is full of amazing hidden secrets.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45"Did you know some of the stations are very old?"
0:22:46 > 0:22:48LAUGHTER
0:22:49 > 0:22:53"Ride around on the Tube together and bring a wry smile to your
0:22:53 > 0:22:57"date's face by showing them the Nemi cartoon in that day's Metro.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00"Number Five, jazz on a roof.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02"Tapping along to the crazy rhythms of jazz
0:23:02 > 0:23:06"can be the perfect ice-breaker on a first date,
0:23:06 > 0:23:07"but on a roof?!
0:23:07 > 0:23:10"This is jazz like you've never experienced it before.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12"Six, a ceilidh.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15"For a taste of the Celtic, why not pay a Scottish or Irish woman
0:23:15 > 0:23:18"called Kayleigh to let you have a bite of her body?
0:23:20 > 0:23:23"Seven, cocktails in a tree.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26"Zesty fruit and frontal lobe-numbing alcohol
0:23:26 > 0:23:29"can be the perfect ice-breaker on a first date,
0:23:29 > 0:23:31"but in a tree?!
0:23:31 > 0:23:34"This is a cocktail experience like you've never had before
0:23:34 > 0:23:35"nor ever will want to have again.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38"Eight, visit the National Gallery.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40"Nine, karaoke in a bin, blah, blah, blah.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42"Ten, a sewer walk.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46"Without permission or supervision, climb into London's sewer system
0:23:46 > 0:23:51"and take a look around, but be warned, you'll die."
0:23:51 > 0:23:53LAUGHTER
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Before this, I used to be a business lady,
0:23:55 > 0:23:59and I quit because of the glass ceiling effect,
0:23:59 > 0:24:03which is the same reason I left the British Museum.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08SHE SIGHS
0:24:08 > 0:24:10No, for that joke to work, you have to know
0:24:10 > 0:24:12what a metaphorical glass ceiling is,
0:24:12 > 0:24:13then you've got to know
0:24:13 > 0:24:17that the British Museum have got the biggest ever glass ceiling.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19And then you've got to think it's funny, so...
0:24:20 > 0:24:23It's a bit of a tall order.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26But, erm, I like this job cos you get to work from home quite a lot.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29And I like working from home cos you can investigate different things.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33Like, if you run out of milk, this is quite a good tip, right?
0:24:33 > 0:24:35If you run out of milk,
0:24:35 > 0:24:37you can put yoghurt in your coffee...
0:24:39 > 0:24:41..and it totally ruins it.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48I don't drink, I quit drinking three years ago.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Whenever people find out that you don't drink,
0:24:50 > 0:24:53they always ask the same question, they always ask why.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57Why do people ask why? It's never going to be a happy story.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01"Why do I not drink anymore? Well, I just felt that I was too successful!"
0:25:02 > 0:25:04That conversation's never happened.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Stag dos are difficult when you don't drink,
0:25:07 > 0:25:09because invariably you end up in a lap-dancing club
0:25:09 > 0:25:11and the woman comes over and she's like,
0:25:11 > 0:25:15"Ask me anything?" And I'm like, "Aren't you cold?"
0:25:15 > 0:25:17LAUGHTER
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Just not in the right head space.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Weddings are even worse when you don't drink because the bride,
0:25:24 > 0:25:26she thinks she's doing you a favour
0:25:26 > 0:25:28by putting you on the non-drinking table,
0:25:28 > 0:25:30but this is basically just pregnant women.
0:25:30 > 0:25:35Really sorry if there's any pregnant women in tonight, but you are dull.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Pregnant women, they walk around like they've got the future
0:25:38 > 0:25:42hopes of a generation in there, like it's John Connor or something.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46That reference isn't going to work for all of you.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47And you try to make conversation,
0:25:47 > 0:25:50"Do you know, is it going to be a boy or a girl?"
0:25:50 > 0:25:53And they're always like, "Ooh, we don't want to know."
0:25:53 > 0:25:55And I'm like, "Me neither.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57"Couldn't give a toss what's up there."
0:25:59 > 0:26:03There was a report out recently which said that the happiest people
0:26:03 > 0:26:06are those who average two glasses of wine,
0:26:06 > 0:26:10a bottle of beer or a shot of spirits a week.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15Who were they surveying? The under-fives?
0:26:16 > 0:26:19And who's this guy who's averaging a shot of spirits a week?
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Like every Friday, he's like, "Hi, guys!"
0:26:23 > 0:26:25"God, what am I like?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29"See you Monday."
0:26:29 > 0:26:31I was chatting about my daughter waking up at 6am
0:26:31 > 0:26:33and I can't deal with it. I don't understand why,
0:26:33 > 0:26:35she's three years old. What have you got to do?
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Show me your to-do list, you got a lot in your schedule?
0:26:38 > 0:26:41No, you've got nothing! Go back to sleep for three hours!
0:26:41 > 0:26:43The thing she's really obsessed with at the moment
0:26:43 > 0:26:46is that song Gangnam Style. Ohhhhh!
0:26:46 > 0:26:47Ohhhh, it does my head in!
0:26:47 > 0:26:51I now know why North Korea's kicking off!
0:26:51 > 0:26:54If you're getting that song blasted into your country 24/7,
0:26:54 > 0:26:57that's enough to drive anyone insane.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Yeah, build a nuclear bomb just to drop it on yourself
0:26:59 > 0:27:01to end the misery!
0:27:01 > 0:27:04The thing is, I want my daughters both to have New Zealand passports.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06I want them to have New Zealand passports
0:27:06 > 0:27:12so when they turn 15 they have to bungee jump, cos that's what I did.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16When I was 15, I did a bungee jump off a bridge over a river,
0:27:16 > 0:27:19and they measured the bungee out so my head got dunked in the river.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22It was pretty scary, but I came up with a wild salmon in my mouth,
0:27:22 > 0:27:24so good times.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28Then I moved over here and found out you guys were doing bungee jumps
0:27:28 > 0:27:31off cranes over car parks!
0:27:32 > 0:27:34What the hell is wrong with you people?!
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Did you hear about the guy who measured the bungee out wrong
0:27:37 > 0:27:40so his face went straight into the car park.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44But he came up with Richard III in his mouth, so good times.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Historical and topical.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Well, hope you enjoyed that.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Thanks very much for watching. Good night, my friends. Good night.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd