0:00:04 > 0:00:10This programme contains adult humour and strong language
0:00:21 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:28 > 0:00:29Hello.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32And welcome to Good News.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34So, what's been happening?
0:00:34 > 0:00:38The BBC interviewed the worst Boris Johnson lookalike ever.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39I've always had concerns about...
0:00:39 > 0:00:41LAUGHTER
0:00:41 > 0:00:45Did you see the moment a bloke turned into a horse on the news?
0:00:45 > 0:00:46You can't sit on your balcony...
0:00:46 > 0:00:49SNORT
0:00:49 > 0:00:52My award for awkward handshake of the week goes to these guys.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Thank you very much indeed. Bear with us for a second.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Here's a question.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Did anyone else see Gollum having a shit on the news?
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Mind you, if you think that's shocking, what the hell is going on
0:01:08 > 0:01:10underneath this blanket?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13..where it's a fair bit colder, especially since they turned
0:01:13 > 0:01:16their central heating off 12 months ago...
0:01:18 > 0:01:21APPLAUSE
0:01:22 > 0:01:26So, what's been going on? Well, the big economic news was this.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30The UK economy has avoided a triple dip recession after it grew
0:01:30 > 0:01:33by 0.3% in the first three months of the year.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Yay! 0.3%!
0:01:38 > 0:01:42# We're in the money! Come on, honey! #
0:01:42 > 0:01:44I bet everyone was excited, right?
0:01:44 > 0:01:47The analogy that I would draw, it's a bit like finding out,
0:01:47 > 0:01:49at a fair, that your child's won a lollipop.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52It's good news, but it won't change your life.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Cheers, Doctor Doom!
0:01:56 > 0:01:57"Dad, I've won a lollipop."
0:01:57 > 0:01:59"Yeah, well, you're adopted."
0:02:01 > 0:02:05Did you watch the BBC coverage? They treat us like idiots.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09Look at the location they chose to illustrate economic growth.
0:02:09 > 0:02:14After an awful winter, signs of growth. And not just in the garden.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18A garden centre! Look, everyone!
0:02:18 > 0:02:21The economy is growing, just like trees grow.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Christ, what would they show if we were still in recession?
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- HEART MONITOR BEEPS - The UK economy is flatlining,
0:02:29 > 0:02:30just like this guy.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Argh!
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Back to you in the studio.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37One of the most fascinating parts of the story -
0:02:37 > 0:02:41did you see one of the reasons why we're out of recession?
0:02:41 > 0:02:43According to latest research...
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Well, I am about to put productivity in Britain through the roof.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59LAUGHTER
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Shall we call that 0.4%?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04I'm making changes!
0:03:09 > 0:03:13How does that make you want to work hard?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16All that makes me want to do is find a cat and put him on a toilet.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19If you're going to Google that, here's a tip.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Don't write slippery pussy.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27It's, er... It's a very different...
0:03:27 > 0:03:29APPLAUSE
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Staying in the world of finance,
0:03:33 > 0:03:36over in Ireland, a great story about winning the lottery.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40The country's newest Lotto millionaire has said he'll be back
0:03:40 > 0:03:44at work on Monday, despite winning 1.2 million euro over the weekend.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Luckily, he did an interview
0:03:46 > 0:03:49so we all know what it feels like to win the lottery.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52BABBLING: I was with Anne-Marie in the car and we were chatting
0:03:52 > 0:03:54and I look up at the Lotto sign...
0:03:54 > 0:03:57"God, I haven't done the Lotto in a long time..."
0:04:02 > 0:04:04No idea.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07SPEAKING FAST: She looked at me and looked up at the clock
0:04:07 > 0:04:09and said, "Get back in here quick, in the bed..."
0:04:09 > 0:04:11INCOHERENT BABBLING
0:04:13 > 0:04:14Uh-huh.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Then we looked at the ticket and of course Anne-Marie thought it was...
0:04:18 > 0:04:21INCOHERENT BABBLING
0:04:21 > 0:04:24..she had her examination there and we read the numbers and looked
0:04:24 > 0:04:27and she says, "What, dear? What's wrong?" And I said,
0:04:27 > 0:04:30"I'm going to tell you something..."
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Well, that's that cleared up.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Did you hear about this?
0:04:38 > 0:04:42A local council candidate for UKIP is facing criticism after
0:04:42 > 0:04:46allegedly posting a series of anti-gay comments on Facebook.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49John Sullivan is accused of writing that regular physical exercise
0:04:49 > 0:04:52in schools can prevent homosexuality.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Exercise stops you being gay?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59How does that work? "I love cocks so much."
0:05:05 > 0:05:06"Mmm, tits!"
0:05:08 > 0:05:10APPLAUSE
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Exercise stops you from being gay. That is bullshit.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Shall I tell you why, my friends? Two words.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Louie Spence.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29He is amazingly fit and I don't know if you've noticed this about him...
0:05:29 > 0:05:32LAUGHTER
0:05:32 > 0:05:35..but when it comes to vagina, he ain't a diner.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46He don't lunge...
0:05:46 > 0:05:47for the clunge.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50You're having a howler
0:05:50 > 0:05:52if you think he likes growler.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55It's bollocks, isn't it?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Some exercise can put you off sex altogether.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05AUDIENCE GROAN
0:06:05 > 0:06:06Not that it's all bad news.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Over in America, there's been a special birthday.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12YouTube, the video sharing website, is eight years old today.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16From modest beginnings as the brainchild of three men having dinner
0:06:16 > 0:06:19in a flat in California, it's grown into a worldwide phenomenon.
0:06:19 > 0:06:24God bless YouTube! It's given us so much. Pandas sneezing,
0:06:24 > 0:06:26grannies dancing
0:06:26 > 0:06:30and tender family moments like a baby's first steps.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33WOMAN LAUGHS
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Yay!
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Oh, no!
0:06:42 > 0:06:45AUDIENCE LAUGH AND GROAN
0:06:45 > 0:06:47No...
0:06:47 > 0:06:49AUDIENCE GROAN AND APPLAUD
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Thanks, YouTube.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Over at Sky News,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00they highlighted the most terrifying threat affecting mankind.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03All the snow and ice of recent months may have melted away,
0:07:03 > 0:07:07but its effects could mean a tough summer ahead for hay fever sufferers.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10NOOOOOO!
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Some of us are going to get hay fever!
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Did you see some of the horrific side-effects of this
0:07:16 > 0:07:18heartbreaking disease?
0:07:18 > 0:07:22I get streamy eyes, a runny nose and a sore throat as well.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26I have to take some drugs for it. It's quite debilitating.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27It can last a day or so.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30A DAY!
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Holy shit, a day with a runny nose!
0:07:34 > 0:07:36IS THERE NO GOD?!
0:07:40 > 0:07:43People are dying in Syria, fuck that, that guy's got the snuffles!
0:07:46 > 0:07:48It's such a pathetic disease, isn't it?
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Bloodshot eyes, tears streaming down your face. "Who did this to you?"
0:07:51 > 0:07:53"Flowers.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57"They were too powerful."
0:07:57 > 0:07:58It gets better.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Did you see the graphic that Sky used to explain hay fever?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Take a look. It's like they're treating us like kids.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07One in five people in the UK suffer from hay fever.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10It's caused by an allergic reaction to pollen.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12The sneezing man says "Achoo!"
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Now we all understand.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Christ, what do they do for bowel problems?
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Or STDs.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Next up, and who would have thunk it,
0:08:33 > 0:08:35but plastic surgery is bad for you.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38A major review into the UK's cosmetics industry has warned
0:08:38 > 0:08:43that injections used to plump up the skin are a crisis waiting to happen.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Fillers are treated too casually and could go horribly wrong.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48You're telling me.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51You went for the cheap option and it backfired horribly.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Buy cheap, buy twice, my mum always said.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55It looks really painful.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58It was agonising, to be honest. I'm not going to downplay it.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Holy shit.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Looks like a gibbon's arsehole.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07She looks as if she's been on a date with Chris Brown.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10GROANING
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Let's not forget...
0:09:16 > 0:09:19He is, of course, an arsehole.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22"Woman, that's not how you pronounce umbrella!" Now...
0:09:23 > 0:09:26What I don't understand - why do women want big lips?
0:09:26 > 0:09:29I've never heard a bloke go, "What do I like in a woman?
0:09:29 > 0:09:32"I like it when they look like they're kissing a window."
0:09:35 > 0:09:38It's madness. I've never caught a trout and gone,
0:09:38 > 0:09:41"Fucking hell, he's all right.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45"Let's hope fish do have a five-second memory." Thwop! Now...
0:09:45 > 0:09:47GROANING
0:09:47 > 0:09:52Women are beautiful things. You don't need to change your body.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55It's like women who have their anuses bleached. Yeah.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56What, are there men going,
0:09:56 > 0:10:00"She's pretty, clever and funny but her arsehole's mauve."
0:10:01 > 0:10:04You know me, guys - I like mahogany sapphire.
0:10:04 > 0:10:05Trust me, ladies.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09If you let a guy bum you, he's not bothered about the colour.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12He's not going down there with a Dulux colour chart.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19"I'm terribly sorry, Cynthia, it's the wrong shade.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21"Let's call the whole thing off."
0:10:23 > 0:10:27I'm not against all plastic surgery. Did you hear about this?
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Now, THAT would be amazing!
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Here you go, sir. Three pints.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Cheers, mate.
0:10:41 > 0:10:42HE STRAINS
0:10:44 > 0:10:46APPLAUSE
0:10:56 > 0:10:57In world news,
0:10:57 > 0:11:01the French president got a lovely gift from the people of Mali.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03An official in Mali presented
0:11:03 > 0:11:06the President of France, Francois Hollande, with a camel
0:11:06 > 0:11:10in gratitude for France's fight against Islamic militants in Mali.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Unfortunately, he couldn't take the camel back
0:11:12 > 0:11:15so he left it in Mali for safekeeping.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18SCATTERED LAUGHTER
0:11:18 > 0:11:20I wonder how the camel got on.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22He left the animal with a family in Mali who said
0:11:22 > 0:11:24they'd watch it, but shortly after Hollande left Mali
0:11:24 > 0:11:28the family slaughtered the camel and used it to make a stew.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32They ate his camel! "Yeah, yeah, bye!
0:11:32 > 0:11:34"Yeah, we'll look after your camel, yeah!
0:11:34 > 0:11:38" # I feel like camel tonight! Like camel tonight! # "
0:11:39 > 0:11:42They ate his camel.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43Do you reckon he called back?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46"Are you all right? What?
0:11:46 > 0:11:50"How's your camel doing? Oh, yeah, he's great, yeah...
0:11:50 > 0:11:52"Yeah, I'll just put him on the phone.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59"Nnnnnyaaaah!"
0:12:02 > 0:12:04"I'm having a great time!"
0:12:06 > 0:12:08"Nobody's eaten me, I'm not dead!"
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Still, the people of Mali need all the help they can get.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Have you heard about their army?
0:12:14 > 0:12:17If you think budget cuts in this country are tough, have a look
0:12:17 > 0:12:19what their troops have to put up with.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20Due to a lack of ammunition,
0:12:20 > 0:12:24the Mali soldiers have to use their imagination instead.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27"Boom! Boom, boom, boom!"
0:12:30 > 0:12:33They can't afford bullets so they have to pretend.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37"Bang, bang! Bang! This isn't working, call in the air force."
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Just one bloke, "Nyyeeeaaaah!"
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Gosh, what do their tanks look like, this?
0:12:45 > 0:12:48AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:12:48 > 0:12:50I'd love to see the arguments when they're training.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53"Bang, bang, you're dead, 50 bullets in your head."
0:12:53 > 0:12:55"I'm not dead - my leg was off the floor
0:12:55 > 0:12:58"and I'm wearing an invisible cloak that repels bullets.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00"So jog on, Ibrahim."
0:13:01 > 0:13:06Also, what if you can't do the noise? Imagine that. "Eh, eh, eh.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09"Eh, eh, eh." Just a load of sheep, "Someone say my name?"
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Still, it could be worse.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Look what their search and rescue team have to put up with.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18"Arrrggghhh!"
0:13:18 > 0:13:21GROANING
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Mind you, if you think the Mali Army are having a hard time,
0:13:24 > 0:13:27check out what's happening to the Germans.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38I'm not making this up. Look at this.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Soldiers with tits.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52That would really freak out the enemy, wouldn't it?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55"OK, men, ready, aim... Fuck me!"
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Imagine that on the battlefield.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02"Stand still or I swear to God I'll motorboat you."
0:14:04 > 0:14:07"How did he look when he died?" "Really happy."
0:14:07 > 0:14:11One thing you can guarantee, if this happens to our soldiers
0:14:11 > 0:14:13it's really going to affect training drills.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Gentlemen, not all of you will survive
0:14:18 > 0:14:20but those that do will have...
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Do you want to fucking pay attention?
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Oh, fellas, come on.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28They're just a massive pair of tits.
0:14:30 > 0:14:35Guys, they're just huge whammers, what's wrong with you people?
0:14:35 > 0:14:36THAT...
0:14:36 > 0:14:40That is the best sketch we've ever done. I... I had those...
0:14:40 > 0:14:43APPLAUSE
0:14:45 > 0:14:48I had those boobs for a week, they were amazing.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56Back in Blighty, scandal has hit the world of horse racing.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00British horseracing has been hit by its biggest ever doping scandal
0:15:00 > 0:15:04after 11 horses from the Godolphin stable were found to have been
0:15:04 > 0:15:05drugged with banned steroids.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Horses are on roids.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10What are they going to look like, this?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Mind you, let's see a jockey try and whip him.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20"Midget, you touch me again, I'll put my hoof up your ass!"
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Apparently they knew something was wrong
0:15:22 > 0:15:25when the horses ran the race with the jockey in his arms.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Just, "Get out of the fucking way!"
0:15:28 > 0:15:30"Arrrrgggh!"
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Tell you what, if this catches on it's really going to change gyms.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58To be honest, it could have been worse.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01With the size of their noses, imagine if they had been on coke.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05"Awww, man! We should jump some fences and do a rodeo
0:16:05 > 0:16:08"and write a novel and move to France and take up hang gliding
0:16:08 > 0:16:11"and start a restaurant and make an album and go to Mars...
0:16:13 > 0:16:16"I'm off my fucking hooves!"
0:16:21 > 0:16:25To be honest, it's not horses on roids you want to worry about.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26Some of them are on acid.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32APPLAUSE
0:16:37 > 0:16:40And it didn't end well for that fella.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48APPLAUSE
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Not that it's the only animal story in the news.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Did you see this belter about a bloke from Wales
0:16:56 > 0:16:57that fought a shark?
0:16:57 > 0:17:00A Welsh grandfather who helped wrestle a shark
0:17:00 > 0:17:02away from children on a beach in Australia -
0:17:02 > 0:17:05you may have seen the footage - he's been sacked from his job
0:17:05 > 0:17:08after his employers saw the incident on television.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Basically, he was away from work on sick leave and,
0:17:10 > 0:17:13while he was on holiday, he saved some kids from a shark.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16His boss saw it on telly and sacked him.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18You can't sack him, he's amazing!
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Is this not the most incredible description of a shark attack ever?
0:17:22 > 0:17:26I'm there, you know, enjoying the sunshine
0:17:26 > 0:17:30and all of a sudden you get this scream of, "Help! Shark!"
0:17:30 > 0:17:33And there's this beautiful shark.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35And it's an absolutely beautiful specimen.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38The trouble is that sharks and young people don't mix.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43"I said it. I don't care who knows.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46"Sharks, children - not a good idea."
0:17:46 > 0:17:50He's brilliant. Listen...
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Listen to what he thought when he met the shark.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56When I see his mouth wide open, his jaws wide open,
0:17:56 > 0:17:59and I'm looking at them teeth, I think to myself...
0:17:59 > 0:18:00"Am I going to die?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02"How will I be remembered?"
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Why the hell have you got so many teeth?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11"I said, 'Fucking hell, man, he looked like Luis Suarez!'"
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Imagine him in Jaws.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- How much better would that film be? - HE HUMS JAWS THEME
0:18:17 > 0:18:21"Oi, Dreyfus, look at the molars on this bastard!
0:18:21 > 0:18:24"You want to get down a dentist, bud."
0:18:24 > 0:18:27From fighting sharks to a sexy thief.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29If you've decided you have to steal a sex toy,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32you might as well steal the most extravagant one you can.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36According to the AP, an armed robber in Brazil made off from a swanky
0:18:36 > 0:18:40adult store with a 4,000, 18-carat gold-plated vibrator on Wednesday.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44He stole a four-grand golden vibrator.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48You're probably thinking, "Wow, some lucky lady is going to enjoy that."
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Not really.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56"I'm going to give you the evening of your life... Oh, bollocks."
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Never mind, we'll just do what they do in Mali. "Brrrrrrr..."
0:19:04 > 0:19:07APPLAUSE
0:19:09 > 0:19:12This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16There's a mystery guest who has been in the news, I have to figure out who that person is.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19So, please welcome our mystery guest.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21CHEERING
0:19:24 > 0:19:28- Hello. How are you? - I'm all right, thank you.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- Nice to meet you.- Hello. - How are you?- All right, thank you.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38- What's your name?- Lauren. - Lauren, I'm Russell.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- I see you have Albert Einstein here. - Yes.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45- So, presumably it has something to do with the mind.- Yes.- OK.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46What could it be?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Are you one of those unfortunate people in life
0:19:53 > 0:19:55that has...no brain?
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- Funnily enough, no.- "No..."
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Is it something to do with this?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04This looks a bit like a crystal ball type thing.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08- Are you a Mystic Meg type figure? - No.- Can you see into the future?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10- I wish.- You wish?
0:20:10 > 0:20:14- That'd be good.- Predict. You never know, you might get it right.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17What will happen tomorrow? What will happen tomorrow in that lady's life?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I'll put my hand on her head, see if you can guess.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Touch me, touch me so it makes sense.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25What's going to happen? What's going to happen? Go!
0:20:25 > 0:20:27You're going to get a bus somewhere.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Wow!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40You're like a wizard!
0:20:42 > 0:20:45It's going to be so awkward if you get hit by a bus tomorrow.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46"Oh, my dreams... Arrgh!"
0:20:47 > 0:20:51So, are you a member of Mensa?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Are you one of the wisest girls in the country?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- Yeah, that's pretty much what it is. - That's it?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00So why have you been in the news?
0:21:00 > 0:21:03I was in the news for being a 16-year-old with an IQ
0:21:03 > 0:21:05higher than Albert Einstein.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Really? Oh, come on, that's amazing!
0:21:07 > 0:21:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:10 > 0:21:12You're like...
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Yeah, whatever.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Sometimes I can get a tea bag, throw it across the room
0:21:18 > 0:21:21and it lands in a cup, so... we've all got skills.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Aaaahh!
0:21:24 > 0:21:27- What's your IQ?- 161. - What's that loser's?
0:21:27 > 0:21:31- Um, it was only predicted, but 160. - It was only predicted?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- Yeah.- Smells like bullshit, honey.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37- Who predicted that?- I'm not sure.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38You should know that, surely.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41- I probably should!- What's it like being really clever?
0:21:41 > 0:21:44It must be fantastic. Are you cleverer than your mum?
0:21:44 > 0:21:47She'd like me to say no, but I'd like to think yeah.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52You know those signs that say "Please don't go on the grass"?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54- Yeah.- How do they get there?
0:21:54 > 0:21:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Have you ever done anything stupid?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Because you're wise, do you ever wig out and do silly things?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09- I'm always doing stupid things. - Like what?
0:22:09 > 0:22:13Well, one of the main things is I constantly burn myself when...
0:22:16 > 0:22:20I was thinking more like, "Oh, I dress up dogs," not self-harm!
0:22:20 > 0:22:23"I don't know the answers! I don't know the answers!"
0:22:23 > 0:22:25- No, like...- Don't attack yourself with a Bunsen burner,
0:22:25 > 0:22:26you'll learn new things.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29I was curling my hair in the mirror and it looked
0:22:29 > 0:22:32the opposite way so I rolled it into my head rather than out!
0:22:33 > 0:22:35It's lovely.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Have you had a lot of media attention with your wise mind?
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Um, yeah, it's all been really overwhelming.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43- I was on Twitter last night... - Nice. One sec.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45- HE BURPS - Carry on.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47I'm gassy, I'm gassy.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52I'm just... Baby got gas.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- It's fine, I've got a dad. - You've got a dad?
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Show off!
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Clever and you hate orphans.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03So you were on Twitter last night?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Yeah, and I tweeted, "Oh, I'm so bored."
0:23:05 > 0:23:07And Edwina Currie tweeted me back saying,
0:23:07 > 0:23:11- "Don't be bored, sweetheart, read a book, preferably mine."- Really?
0:23:11 > 0:23:13- What did you say back? - I just retweeted it.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17"Edwina, what was it like sucking off John Major?"
0:23:19 > 0:23:22- Did you not know that?- No.- I did.
0:23:24 > 0:23:25Oh, yes.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31How have you dealt with all this media attention?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Most of it's been really positive so it's been nice.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35I've had a few negative things -
0:23:35 > 0:23:36some woman was like,
0:23:36 > 0:23:39"Oh, you're doing well but get rid of those ratty hair extensions,"
0:23:39 > 0:23:41and I thought, "It's my real hair."
0:23:41 > 0:23:42GROANING
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Why did she say that?
0:23:44 > 0:23:47It was on one of the newspaper articles on the internet,
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- and then you can comment on it and stuff.- Oh, really?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Fuck, what a bunch of tools. It's so weird, isn't it?
0:23:52 > 0:23:56Particularly on the Daily Mail, there was once a thing on the Daily Mail comments.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Kerry Katona was trying to move a cupboard, right,
0:23:59 > 0:24:01and she put it in her car and it wouldn't fit and, amazingly,
0:24:01 > 0:24:03this was a story in the Daily Mail.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Somebody wrote underneath, in capital letters,
0:24:05 > 0:24:09"I've said it before, I'll say it again, Katona - get a van."
0:24:10 > 0:24:13My friend Carl has got no hair. Carl, come here.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17- Can I just grab your hair? Is that all right?- Go for it.- Come here.
0:24:17 > 0:24:18He'd kill...
0:24:20 > 0:24:22He'd kill for that and...
0:24:24 > 0:24:26APPLAUSE
0:24:28 > 0:24:30- People should never take hair for granted.- Don't.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Cherish it while you have it,
0:24:32 > 0:24:33that's my advice.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- Tell you what, life doesn't get weirder than that, does it?- No.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38I bet you thought when you woke up this morning
0:24:38 > 0:24:40you'd never have a bald man leant there.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest!
0:24:44 > 0:24:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Elsewhere this week, did you hear about this?
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Rugby player Danny Cipriani has been discharged from hospital.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57He was kept in overnight after being hit by a bus during a night out
0:24:57 > 0:24:59in Leeds yesterday.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Did you see what he did to the bus?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04He fucked it up!
0:25:04 > 0:25:05How hard is he?!
0:25:05 > 0:25:08He was released from hospital the next day,
0:25:08 > 0:25:10the bus is still in intensive care.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Apparently he got pissed and ran in the road.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17When I'm pissed I like a bit of a dance, he's like,
0:25:17 > 0:25:19"I want to play Froggy."
0:25:20 > 0:25:24Imagine the passengers. "Oh, my God, we've hit someone. I hope he's OK.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25"What?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28"He's the bloke that goes out with Kelly Brook? Reverse it."
0:25:30 > 0:25:31IMITATES REVERSING NOISE
0:25:31 > 0:25:32Sorry, Danny.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Mind you, you've got to feel sorry for Danny Cipriani.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39He's a professional rugby player, he's played for England.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41What was Daily Star's front cover?
0:25:44 > 0:25:47It doesn't matter what he does, it's always about her.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49"Danny Cipriani's found the cure for cancer!
0:25:49 > 0:25:50"Check out Kelly's bangers."
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Next up, a lovely story about a man in India who created a school
0:25:59 > 0:26:00under a bridge.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Indian shopkeeper Rajesh Kumar Sharma
0:26:05 > 0:26:09has set up a school under a busy railway bridge in New Delhi.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22The outdoor classroom consists of three blackboards
0:26:22 > 0:26:25painted on walls, and rugs for the children to sit on.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50Around 40 pupils aged between 4 and 12 attend the unusual classroom
0:26:50 > 0:26:52for two hours each day,
0:26:52 > 0:26:55learning maths and basic reading and writing skills.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Many students are from impoverished families living in nearby slums
0:26:59 > 0:27:00where schools are limited.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04Rajesh, who provides all reading and writing materials for free,
0:27:04 > 0:27:07one day hopes to build a real facility for the children.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27There you go, what a dude.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:28 > 0:27:32Lovely looking dude. Thanks very much for watching Good News.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36Good night, my chums. Good night. Woo-hoo!
0:27:36 > 0:27:40CHEERING
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd