0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:27Thank you!
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Thank you, thank you, thank you.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Hello, and welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Boris Johnson revealed what he saw when he took mushrooms.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Shiny, happy people.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41LAUGHTER
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Over on BBC Breakfast,
0:00:44 > 0:00:47they were asking the big political question on everyone's mind.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49How high can Ed Miliband bounce?
0:00:51 > 0:00:53And finally, did you see the moment
0:00:53 > 0:00:55this reporter had an orgasm live on air?
0:00:55 > 0:00:58..by the troubles of a Japanese carmaker.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59Dave Harvey,
0:00:59 > 0:01:01(VERY QUICKLY) BBC Points West, in Swindon.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03"BBC Points West"!
0:01:07 > 0:01:08The big political news
0:01:08 > 0:01:11was all about UKIP's success in the local elections.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15The political party once dismissed by the Conservatives
0:01:15 > 0:01:17as loonies and clowns has tonight sent a shockwave
0:01:17 > 0:01:20through the Westminster establishment.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22The man celebrating tonight, Nigel Farage,
0:01:22 > 0:01:25claims a sea change in British politics,
0:01:25 > 0:01:29as UKIP take one in four votes and nearly 140 council seats.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Fair to say, not everyone was that happy.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38TV: 'UKIP on the march, making major gains in the local elections.'
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Oh, no!
0:01:40 > 0:01:42HE CRIES
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Oh, no!
0:01:44 > 0:01:48"No!" I think I know why the kid's upset.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52It's because people who support UKIP tend to say things like this.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54When I was brought up, you did not see a brown face
0:01:54 > 0:01:57or a black face or a yellow face or whatever.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00And now you see them everywhere.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02"They're everywhere.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06"One looked after me in hospital. One teaches my kids.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10"One owns my favourite restaurant. The country has gone to shit.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13"When I was a kid, the country was full of honest,
0:02:13 > 0:02:16"law-abiding white people like Jimmy Savile..."
0:02:16 > 0:02:18LAUGHTER
0:02:18 > 0:02:21"..Stuart Hall, Gary Glitter, people you could trust!"
0:02:23 > 0:02:25If you think the kid was upset,
0:02:25 > 0:02:27look what this guy thought of UKIP voters.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- They jumped into a- BLEEP...
0:02:30 > 0:02:35into a gorilla pit, stripped themselves naked,
0:02:35 > 0:02:41greased their genitals and started screaming for UKIP, UKIP, UKIP!
0:02:41 > 0:02:47Come and get me! Come and get me! Come and get me! Come and get me!
0:02:47 > 0:02:49- What the- BLEEP- is going on?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I have no idea.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57He needs to go easy on the Red Bull. Look what he said next.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01- We are British! We have the- BLEEP- Queen.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04- She's got hairy- BLEEP- goat legs.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10The Queen's got goat legs?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13"Shit, Philip!
0:03:13 > 0:03:14"Philip!
0:03:23 > 0:03:25"Philip, they're on to us."
0:03:26 > 0:03:28"What are we going to do, Liz?"
0:03:31 > 0:03:33The Queen has goat legs.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37To be honest, I was pretty surprised that UKIP did so well.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Farage has been on the defensive all week.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43There is nothing in UKIP that is racist in any way at all.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49I don't know. This photo of one of their candidates doesn't look great.
0:03:56 > 0:04:01What an idiot! That's like me appearing on a national chat show
0:04:01 > 0:04:03next to one of the most evil men on telly.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06One of Britain's finest stand-up comedians, Russell Howard!
0:04:15 > 0:04:19That doesn't look good. It wasn't just the UKIP candidates in trouble.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Farage was getting heckled in the street.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- Are you thinking of voting for this man tonight?- Yeah, why not?
0:04:25 > 0:04:30- Racist homophobes.- That man says racist and homophobes.- Does he?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Well, there we are. I don't think we're homophobes.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34LAUGHTER
0:04:37 > 0:04:41"I mean, sure I'm a racist, but I'm not homophobic. I love bummers!
0:04:42 > 0:04:45"In fact, it's the one type of Browntown I don't mind."
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Bizarrely, Farage doesn't mind being heckled.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56In fact, he seems to enjoy being slammed.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- Keep the abuse coming, boys. Keep it coming.- OK.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02You look like the eagle from the Muppets.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Mind you, for all his faults,
0:05:11 > 0:05:14the one thing I will say about Farage - he does speak his mind.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Seems like you had a lot of fun at the press gallery lunch yesterday
0:05:17 > 0:05:19with all the Westminster journalists.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22You admitted you had been to a lap-dancing club in Strasbourg
0:05:22 > 0:05:23whilst you have been an MEP.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- Is that something you do on all your trips?- Yep.
0:05:29 > 0:05:35"Yep. In fact, I think MP stands for Mmm, Pussy!
0:05:35 > 0:05:38"I love pole dancers.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41"Not Polish dancers, they should stay in Poland.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42"But pole dancers, mmm."
0:05:42 > 0:05:46Now, from politics to yet another famous broadcaster
0:05:46 > 0:05:48falling from grace.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49The broadcaster Stuart Hall
0:05:49 > 0:05:52has been described as an opportunistic predator
0:05:52 > 0:05:57after admitting 14 indecent assaults on children as young as nine.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05In the 1970s, Stuart Hall was the face of the hugely popular game show
0:06:05 > 0:06:09It's A Knockout, but on the same day that this episode was filmed in Ely,
0:06:09 > 0:06:12he indecently assaulted a teenage girl.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13What an arsehole.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16I hope when he takes his first shower in prison,
0:06:16 > 0:06:19some huge bloke bends him over and plays this.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22"IT'S A KNOCKOUT" THEME TUNE
0:06:24 > 0:06:26In fact, I hope someone commentates over it
0:06:26 > 0:06:28like he used to do in football.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31"Big Terry slams into Stuart Hall like the Greek God Achilles.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35"He screams in pain like a lovesick whale.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38"It's a knockout. No. It's a cock-out."
0:06:38 > 0:06:40APPLAUSE
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Just my opinion.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Although not everyone thinks we should be so harsh on Stuart.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Did you see what Helen Flanagan said?
0:06:57 > 0:07:02What?! Helen, he's a paedo!
0:07:02 > 0:07:07"What? He's a boat that you move with your legs?"
0:07:07 > 0:07:09No, Helen. That's a pedalo.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15They're very different things. He's a kiddie fiddler.
0:07:15 > 0:07:20"Oh, he's a really small violinist?"
0:07:20 > 0:07:22No. No.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25It's such a depressing story, isn't it? Jimmy Savile, Stuart Hall.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28It's like my childhood's falling apart.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Who are we going to see accused next, this guy?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Let's be honest, it doesn't look good for Pat.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36He likes putting packages into small slots
0:07:36 > 0:07:41and he hangs out with young pussy. It doesn't look good.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50What a week, though. Stuart Hall, UKIP growing in power.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51It's so depressing, man.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53It almost feels like at the end of the news, they should show us
0:07:53 > 0:07:57one thing just to cheer us up, and I may have found just the thing.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Whenever the news is particularly soul-crushing,
0:08:00 > 0:08:02I say they end it with this.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10MONKEY CHUCKLES
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Come on. It would work. Would that not work?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Imagine. Imagine that on the news.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27Next up, did you see the man who built the world's largest jigsaw?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29It took 35 days of cutting
0:08:29 > 0:08:34for Dave to create his 40,000 piece tribute to the Queen's Jubilee.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38I was going non-stop every day for about...
0:08:39 > 0:08:41..between eight and ten hours a day.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Finally, his life's work was complete
0:08:45 > 0:08:48and ready to exhibit at Sandringham, the Queen's country retreat.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49What happened next?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Dave was just pressing down a few uneven pieces
0:08:52 > 0:08:54when he pushed a little too hard.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Poor sod!
0:09:06 > 0:09:09"There you go, 40,000 pieces, my life's work...
0:09:09 > 0:09:11"Oh, there's a bit sticking out.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13"I'll just put that back, I am a bit of a perfectionist,
0:09:13 > 0:09:15"I want to get it right. I love the Queen.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18"Some people say she's got goat legs, those people are wrong."
0:09:19 > 0:09:20"I'll just put this last bit in..."
0:09:20 > 0:09:25- CRRRRRR! - "I've wasted my life!"
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Did you see his wife's reaction? I bet she was gutted.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31SHE LAUGHS
0:09:31 > 0:09:35"It were the funniest thing I've ever seen!
0:09:35 > 0:09:39"He was in pieces, like his fucking jigsaw!"
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Poor bloke! Have a look at it again.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Look at the little walk he does when it falls.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55AUDIENCE: Aww!
0:09:55 > 0:09:57HE WHIMPERS
0:09:57 > 0:10:01He's so calm. "Oh, well. Never mind.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03"Start again, pick up a corner, no problem."
0:10:04 > 0:10:10- I'd have been,- "BLEEP BLEEP! - Suck my- BLEEP,- you- BLEEP,- you- BLEEP,
0:10:10 > 0:10:12- "BLEEPing- hoverpig!"
0:10:14 > 0:10:17It would kill me. Christ, I lose my shit over tiny things.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20I once stubbed my toe and actually turned to the wall
0:10:20 > 0:10:23and said, "What the fuck are you laughing at?"
0:10:25 > 0:10:28In fact, the only thing that would have calmed me down
0:10:28 > 0:10:30in that moment would've been this.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32MONKEY CHUCKLES
0:10:34 > 0:10:36But it wasn't just his wife laughing at him.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Even the news started taunting him.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41He'd love to go back and undo his little error
0:10:41 > 0:10:44but sadly, life doesn't come with a rewind button.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46AUDIENCE GROANS
0:10:46 > 0:10:49"Life doesn't come with a rewind button."
0:10:49 > 0:10:51HE PANTS
0:10:51 > 0:10:54If only it did, I'd travel back to 1992 and simply say,
0:10:54 > 0:10:56"Mum, don't cut my hair."
0:10:56 > 0:10:58AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Talking of people who wish they could rewind life,
0:11:02 > 0:11:05did you hear about this prank in America that went wrong?
0:11:11 > 0:11:14He's going to jail for letting off a stink bomb.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16I love this story for two reasons.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19One, the name of the spray he used and two,
0:11:19 > 0:11:21the way his wife pronounces it.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23NEWSREADER: This is a bottle of...
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Liquid Ay-ass.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30- What's it called?- Liquid Ay-ass. - I cannot stop saying it.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Just saying it makes you feel happy. On three, one, two, three...
0:11:34 > 0:11:36- AUDIENCE: Liquid Ay-ass! - It feels good, doesn't it?
0:11:36 > 0:11:38See, you're probably thinking,
0:11:38 > 0:11:41"I bet he's only going to jail for a couple of days."
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Oh, no, here he is. Look how long he's going for.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45It was just a harmless prank.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Now, I'm looking at 90 days in jail.
0:11:48 > 0:11:5290 days in jail for letting off a stink bomb?!
0:11:52 > 0:11:55I think we all know what he'll get if he goes in the showers.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56Liquid Ay-ass.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03Now, from Liquid Ay-ass to an amazing story about fancy dress.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Members of the Women's Institute got a bit of a shock when they dressed up
0:12:06 > 0:12:10as pirates to hear a speech from a retired sea captain about piracy.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Here they are, dressed up.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Aw, lovely, they're dressed as pirates.
0:12:14 > 0:12:15I wonder what happened next?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17The light-hearted gesture went wrong
0:12:17 > 0:12:19when they realised their speaker, Colin Darch,
0:12:19 > 0:12:23seen here in the middle, had actually been kidnapped by Somali pirates
0:12:23 > 0:12:26and held hostage for 47 days.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28"Hiya!
0:12:28 > 0:12:33"Shiver me timbers! Walk the plank!
0:12:33 > 0:12:35"Why is he crying?"
0:12:36 > 0:12:40"What? He was savagely beaten and held at gunpoint?
0:12:40 > 0:12:41"Lose the parrot."
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Science news, now. Have you heard who's going to Mars?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53This is a trip that could test the very best of marriages.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56A multi-millionaire tycoon is searching for an older couple
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- to travel to Mars.- They're going to put pensioners in space.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04I can't wait to see the launch.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Apollo 15, commencing countdown.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08"Ooh, Countdown, I bloody love that programme.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10"Do you know what I like? The music."
0:13:10 > 0:13:11IMITATES COUNTDOWN THEME TUNE
0:13:11 > 0:13:16- ENGINES ROAR - "Fucking heeeell!"
0:13:16 > 0:13:17They'll be brilliant.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19"This is Mission Control, what's your position?"
0:13:19 > 0:13:22"Well, I'm sat down and Roger's having a nap."
0:13:24 > 0:13:26HE STIFLES A LAUGH
0:13:26 > 0:13:27Mind you, it's not all fun.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Have you seen their living conditions?
0:13:29 > 0:13:33The pair will spend 16 months together in a capsule no bigger
0:13:33 > 0:13:36than a garden shed with no showers
0:13:36 > 0:13:40and drinking water made from recycled sweat.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41HE WHISTLES, AUDIENCE GROANS
0:13:41 > 0:13:44I think we all know what that room's going to smell like.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Liquid Ay-ass!
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Thank God they haven't got showers.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54No-one wants to see an old man's bollocks in zero gravity.
0:13:54 > 0:13:59Just...whoa! Just floating around, like a fleshy lava lamp.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Whaaa!
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Eurgh, sorry, I can taste that joke!
0:14:06 > 0:14:10To be honest, it isn't the pensioners I feel sorry for,
0:14:10 > 0:14:13it's the poor bastard at Mission Control who has to listen
0:14:13 > 0:14:15to them rambling on.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18OK, Shuttle Tiberius, you are clear for comms, over.
0:14:18 > 0:14:23Oh, Mission Control, I remember the first time I saw Alan Titchmarsh.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25I went weak at the knees!
0:14:25 > 0:14:27I thought, "You can trim my rosebush any day!"
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Nick Knowles, I don't like...
0:14:29 > 0:14:35Listen, I like prunes but prunes do not like me. Oh!
0:14:35 > 0:14:40Man flu? Bloody pathetic. I've had five children, Mission Control.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41I'd rather have a runny nose
0:14:41 > 0:14:44than squeeze a kid out of my bloody noo-nar!
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Oh, fuck this!
0:14:48 > 0:14:51- BANG! - Arggghhhh!
0:14:51 > 0:14:53APPLAUSE
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Next up, did you see what a robot on Mars did?
0:15:04 > 0:15:07This is true. Did you see it? Look at that.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:15:09 > 0:15:12A robot did that! Mind you, that's nothing.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15They drew an even bigger dick on the other side.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25This is the part of the show I don't know anything about,
0:15:25 > 0:15:27a mystery guest who's been in the news,
0:15:27 > 0:15:29I have to figure out who that person is
0:15:29 > 0:15:30so please welcome my mystery guest.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- Hello.- Hello.- There's a lot going on here, isn't there?- There is.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- Nice to meet you, I'm Russell. - Hi, Russell. I'm Jo.- Hey, Jo.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50- Thanks for coming on the show. - Pleasure.
0:15:50 > 0:15:55You appear to have a lot of decapitated mannequins.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57- It looks that way, doesn't it? - It very much does.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Presumably it's got something to do with kind of first aid?
0:16:00 > 0:16:05- Am I close?- Kind of.- OK.- Go a bit further than first aid.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Bit further...second aid?
0:16:09 > 0:16:12- OK, so I'm fairly close with first aid.- Yeah.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Um...I know exactly what it is.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17- Do you work for the St John's Ambulance?- No.- Damn!
0:16:17 > 0:16:22- I was so confident then.- You're not too far off.- OK. Paramedic?- You are.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- Yes! He gets it! - CHEERING
0:16:26 > 0:16:30Lovely. Thank you very much.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Why have you been in the news specifically?
0:16:32 > 0:16:34That's for my work as an advanced paramedic.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Excellent, that's worth a round of applause.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:41 > 0:16:44So, what have you done?
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Well, I set up a unit to do response care out in the community
0:16:48 > 0:16:52- instead of sending them to hospital so it frees up hospital beds.- OK.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54The only thing you don't have at hospital is the alcohol gel
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- which is quite nice.- Oh, you like that?- I quite like it.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59I spent a week in hospital and I'll mention this,
0:16:59 > 0:17:02this is how I could've done with being looked after by you
0:17:02 > 0:17:03where I had no access to stuff like this.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05- I smeared it on my balls.- Ooh!
0:17:06 > 0:17:13Because I was so bored. Honestly, I wanted to... I had...
0:17:13 > 0:17:17I don't know why I did it. I had a week of utter boredom
0:17:17 > 0:17:20and I'm talking instant regret. Literally, my brain went,
0:17:20 > 0:17:23"I wonder what it'll be like to put it on my balls?"
0:17:23 > 0:17:27- And I put it on and the yelp I made...- Cool?- And then I...
0:17:27 > 0:17:29- Cold?- No, it's the, "Owww!"
0:17:29 > 0:17:31And then a nurse came, "Are you all right?"
0:17:31 > 0:17:34You're like, "Oh, I'm in the toilet."
0:17:34 > 0:17:37If there's any mums at home that struggle waking up their teenage...
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Actually, DON'T do that. Don't go there!
0:17:39 > 0:17:43- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - "Mum, what's wrong with you?"
0:17:45 > 0:17:48No, let them sleep! Let 'em sleep.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51So, talking of that, what's the most compromising situation
0:17:51 > 0:17:55you've ever found someone in? I bet it doesn't get weirder than...
0:17:55 > 0:18:00- Well, we got a call once to somebody that had a penis injury.- Right.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03And it was obviously...
0:18:03 > 0:18:06We'd got it as a penis injury after a compromising position.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09- Did you just help him or just laugh? - No, I didn't look.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11- You didn't look?- No. - What had he done?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Um...I think he'd just torn it a little bit.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16AUDIENCE GROANS
0:18:16 > 0:18:20- Well, Natalie Imbruglia did warn us. - Yep!
0:18:22 > 0:18:23I'm pretty sure that's what
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- that song was about, wasn't it? - Could well be.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28What I love now, there's a settling over the audience where girls
0:18:28 > 0:18:32are going, "I dunno," and men have gone to a very deep, calm place.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41- It's sore.- I imagine it is, yeah. Yeah.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43So are we going to do anything else?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46We are, we'll see if you scrub up well as a paramedic.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47- I look forward to that.- Yes.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50AMBULANCE SIREN BLARES
0:18:50 > 0:18:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:53 > 0:18:55We would appear to be outside an ambulance.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57What are we going to do, Jo?
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Well, we've been told by our control it's an accident
0:18:59 > 0:19:02- and you're going to show me what a good paramedic you are.- OK.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- Right.- Are you ready? - Yep, born ready. Here we go.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09LAUGHTER
0:19:09 > 0:19:16Help! Help! Help! Help! Help!
0:19:16 > 0:19:20Help! Help!
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- What do you think has gone on? - What do I think has gone on?- Yeah.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Well...
0:19:24 > 0:19:25LAUGHTER
0:19:25 > 0:19:27I don't know. What do you think has happened?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29I think there might be a little accident there.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33- Yeah, I think you're right.- I think they're going to need our help.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- Yeah, I'll help you.- Hold on a second. Always look for dangers.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39- So, you have got to take that dog off first.- Right, take the dog off first.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41- Yeah.- Hello, sir. I hadn't noticed your leg there.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43- My leg hurts a little bit. - Yeah, it looks pretty bad.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47- I've got a javelin through my head. I'm halfway up a dog.- I know.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49And I've got a liquid arse.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51LAUGHTER
0:19:51 > 0:19:53APPLAUSE
0:19:55 > 0:19:58I mean, it's the last one that's the most embarrassing.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00What would you like to do first?
0:20:00 > 0:20:01Pull my dog off.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03AUDIENCE: Wahey!
0:20:03 > 0:20:04LAUGHTER
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Oh, that's it. Oh, it really... Oh! Ah! Ah!
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Oh, my God!
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Ah, you fucker!
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Let him die. Let him die.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23- Bandage.- What? Yeah, bandage.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Arm injury. Bandage. Get it on there, quick.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31- You're going to be all right. Let's get you...- Nice and tight.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Let's get you through.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34LAUGHTER
0:20:37 > 0:20:41- Oh, God.- Well, there's more of that than I was expecting.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44He has gone full Carrie.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Get the bandage round there as well.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50- Yeah, I will.- Come on.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Bandage my javelin.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Right, that's you sorted. That's perfect.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Hold that in your mouth.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- Right, he's good to go. Right, what's next?- Next.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04This might smart.
0:21:07 > 0:21:08Amazing.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10APPLAUSE
0:21:11 > 0:21:14- It's a miracle.- It is a miracle.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17LAUGHTER
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- Are you ready?- No! No!
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- No?- No. Never pull it out. - I think he needs that out.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30- Neck brace.- Leg brace?- Neck brace. - Neck brace. Which is that?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33- Neck brace. That's the one.- That one? Yeah, let's put him in that.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40LAUGHTER
0:21:40 > 0:21:41No.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47That'll do. Perfect.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52It's going to be all right. It's going to be all right.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55That's not going to help him at all. No, it's got to go round his neck.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01He just said he wants to go to Switzerland.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03I'll tell you what, let's just get him off to hospital,
0:22:03 > 0:22:05get him in the wheelchair, yeah?
0:22:05 > 0:22:07There he is. Let's just sort his neck out first.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13- Dignitas? You want to go to Dignitas?- Yeah.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17- Excellent. Wonderful. Here we go. - Right, let's get him on this.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Get him in the chair. Do you want me to hold the chair?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22He's going to be all right.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24LAUGHTER
0:22:27 > 0:22:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:30 > 0:22:34I don't need that. I don't need it. He's going to be fine.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38LAUGHTER
0:22:43 > 0:22:44CHEERING
0:22:44 > 0:22:50Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up...
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Right, let's get him to hospital.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Please give it up for my mystery guest
0:22:55 > 0:22:57and the wonderful Steve Hall.
0:22:57 > 0:22:58APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:23:04 > 0:23:06So, what else has been happening?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Did you hear about this?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17So, did people offer useful names? Not really.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25And my personal favourite...
0:23:27 > 0:23:29I think we all know what she should go with.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30Liquid Ay-ass.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36Over in New Zealand, check out what this bloke wants to do to cats.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Economist Gareth Morgan has initiated a website called Cats To Go.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44He wants people to consider making their current cat their last one.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Morgan states, "That little ball of fluff you own
0:23:46 > 0:23:48"is a natural born killer."
0:23:48 > 0:23:51He wants to rid the world of cats.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Some people have started already.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57LAUGHTER
0:23:57 > 0:24:01It's insane. Imagine a world without cats.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03It doesn't bear thinking about.
0:24:10 > 0:24:11AUDIENCE: Oh.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15No!
0:24:15 > 0:24:18MUSIC: Adagio For Strings by Samuel Barber
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Why?!
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Son of a bitch!
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Aaargh!
0:24:32 > 0:24:33LAUGHTER
0:24:33 > 0:24:36HE ROARS
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Oh, no!
0:24:38 > 0:24:40LAUGHTER
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Why?!
0:24:44 > 0:24:46LAUGHTER
0:24:46 > 0:24:48APPLAUSE
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Fuck cats.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Right, Rover?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Damn straight.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Next up, a wonderful story about a family from Virginia.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11My favourite quote of all time was our furnace repair man.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14He comes into the house, stops dead in his tracks and says,
0:25:14 > 0:25:19"This looks like some kind of United Nations meeting."
0:25:19 > 0:25:21I was born in Bangkok.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- Bangalore, India.- Connecticut.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26I was born in Romania.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27- Ethiopia.- In China.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33'Sharon is the gas pedal and I am the brakes.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35'Over and over, she will say,
0:25:35 > 0:25:38'"I found this child who needs X and Y and Z'
0:25:38 > 0:25:42"and all we have to do is fly over the ocean, get funding,
0:25:42 > 0:25:45"connect this dot to here and it would be done."
0:25:45 > 0:25:48People discouraged us. They thought we were going to ruin our lives by
0:25:48 > 0:25:52taking all these special kids. They said, "You don't know what to do."
0:25:52 > 0:25:54And it is true that we had no experience and we didn't really know
0:25:54 > 0:25:57how to raise them but you see what happens with unconditional love.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01'You give a person unconditional love and they blossom.'
0:26:04 > 0:26:07It took me decades to figure this out.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11There is no physical thing that you can buy that is actually going
0:26:11 > 0:26:14to give you true peace and happiness.
0:26:14 > 0:26:19And the pure joy that will come from a rescue and a ransom of a child's
0:26:19 > 0:26:23life is probably the most satisfying thing you can imagine.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27You think that they don't really know the gravity of them
0:26:27 > 0:26:28being rescued or saved.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Then you will see them in an external setting like one of them
0:26:33 > 0:26:37is in front of 300 people last Friday night and he tells people that he
0:26:37 > 0:26:41probably wouldn't be alive if he hadn't been adopted by this family.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46I feel like having these kids has really helped us
0:26:46 > 0:26:49find our life, find our meaning, find our purpose.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50APPLAUSE
0:26:50 > 0:26:51They're beautiful.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Thanks very much for watching Good News. Good night, my friends.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Farewell.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00CHEERING