Episode 3

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0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

0:00:22 > 0:00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:00:26 > 0:00:27Thank you!

0:00:28 > 0:00:30Thank you, thank you, thank you.

0:00:33 > 0:00:36Hello, and welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?

0:00:36 > 0:00:38Boris Johnson revealed what he saw when he took mushrooms.

0:00:38 > 0:00:40Shiny, happy people.

0:00:40 > 0:00:41LAUGHTER

0:00:42 > 0:00:44Over on BBC Breakfast,

0:00:44 > 0:00:47they were asking the big political question on everyone's mind.

0:00:47 > 0:00:49How high can Ed Miliband bounce?

0:00:51 > 0:00:53And finally, did you see the moment

0:00:53 > 0:00:55this reporter had an orgasm live on air?

0:00:55 > 0:00:58..by the troubles of a Japanese carmaker.

0:00:58 > 0:00:59Dave Harvey,

0:00:59 > 0:01:01(VERY QUICKLY) BBC Points West, in Swindon.

0:01:01 > 0:01:03"BBC Points West"!

0:01:07 > 0:01:08The big political news

0:01:08 > 0:01:11was all about UKIP's success in the local elections.

0:01:11 > 0:01:15The political party once dismissed by the Conservatives

0:01:15 > 0:01:17as loonies and clowns has tonight sent a shockwave

0:01:17 > 0:01:20through the Westminster establishment.

0:01:20 > 0:01:22The man celebrating tonight, Nigel Farage,

0:01:22 > 0:01:25claims a sea change in British politics,

0:01:25 > 0:01:29as UKIP take one in four votes and nearly 140 council seats.

0:01:31 > 0:01:33Fair to say, not everyone was that happy.

0:01:35 > 0:01:38TV: 'UKIP on the march, making major gains in the local elections.'

0:01:38 > 0:01:40Oh, no!

0:01:40 > 0:01:42HE CRIES

0:01:42 > 0:01:44Oh, no!

0:01:44 > 0:01:48"No!" I think I know why the kid's upset.

0:01:48 > 0:01:52It's because people who support UKIP tend to say things like this.

0:01:52 > 0:01:54When I was brought up, you did not see a brown face

0:01:54 > 0:01:57or a black face or a yellow face or whatever.

0:01:57 > 0:02:00And now you see them everywhere.

0:02:00 > 0:02:02"They're everywhere.

0:02:02 > 0:02:06"One looked after me in hospital. One teaches my kids.

0:02:06 > 0:02:10"One owns my favourite restaurant. The country has gone to shit.

0:02:10 > 0:02:13"When I was a kid, the country was full of honest,

0:02:13 > 0:02:16"law-abiding white people like Jimmy Savile..."

0:02:16 > 0:02:18LAUGHTER

0:02:18 > 0:02:21"..Stuart Hall, Gary Glitter, people you could trust!"

0:02:23 > 0:02:25If you think the kid was upset,

0:02:25 > 0:02:27look what this guy thought of UKIP voters.

0:02:27 > 0:02:30- They jumped into a- BLEEP...

0:02:30 > 0:02:35into a gorilla pit, stripped themselves naked,

0:02:35 > 0:02:41greased their genitals and started screaming for UKIP, UKIP, UKIP!

0:02:41 > 0:02:47Come and get me! Come and get me! Come and get me! Come and get me!

0:02:47 > 0:02:49- What the- BLEEP- is going on?

0:02:49 > 0:02:51I have no idea.

0:02:53 > 0:02:57He needs to go easy on the Red Bull. Look what he said next.

0:02:57 > 0:03:01- We are British! We have the- BLEEP- Queen.

0:03:01 > 0:03:04- She's got hairy- BLEEP- goat legs.

0:03:07 > 0:03:10The Queen's got goat legs?

0:03:10 > 0:03:13"Shit, Philip!

0:03:13 > 0:03:14"Philip!

0:03:23 > 0:03:25"Philip, they're on to us."

0:03:26 > 0:03:28"What are we going to do, Liz?"

0:03:31 > 0:03:33The Queen has goat legs.

0:03:34 > 0:03:37To be honest, I was pretty surprised that UKIP did so well.

0:03:37 > 0:03:39Farage has been on the defensive all week.

0:03:39 > 0:03:43There is nothing in UKIP that is racist in any way at all.

0:03:46 > 0:03:49I don't know. This photo of one of their candidates doesn't look great.

0:03:56 > 0:04:01What an idiot! That's like me appearing on a national chat show

0:04:01 > 0:04:03next to one of the most evil men on telly.

0:04:03 > 0:04:06One of Britain's finest stand-up comedians, Russell Howard!

0:04:15 > 0:04:19That doesn't look good. It wasn't just the UKIP candidates in trouble.

0:04:19 > 0:04:22Farage was getting heckled in the street.

0:04:22 > 0:04:25- Are you thinking of voting for this man tonight?- Yeah, why not?

0:04:25 > 0:04:30- Racist homophobes.- That man says racist and homophobes.- Does he?

0:04:30 > 0:04:32Well, there we are. I don't think we're homophobes.

0:04:32 > 0:04:34LAUGHTER

0:04:37 > 0:04:41"I mean, sure I'm a racist, but I'm not homophobic. I love bummers!

0:04:42 > 0:04:45"In fact, it's the one type of Browntown I don't mind."

0:04:51 > 0:04:53Bizarrely, Farage doesn't mind being heckled.

0:04:53 > 0:04:56In fact, he seems to enjoy being slammed.

0:04:56 > 0:04:59- Keep the abuse coming, boys. Keep it coming.- OK.

0:05:00 > 0:05:02You look like the eagle from the Muppets.

0:05:09 > 0:05:11Mind you, for all his faults,

0:05:11 > 0:05:14the one thing I will say about Farage - he does speak his mind.

0:05:14 > 0:05:17Seems like you had a lot of fun at the press gallery lunch yesterday

0:05:17 > 0:05:19with all the Westminster journalists.

0:05:19 > 0:05:22You admitted you had been to a lap-dancing club in Strasbourg

0:05:22 > 0:05:23whilst you have been an MEP.

0:05:23 > 0:05:26- Is that something you do on all your trips?- Yep.

0:05:29 > 0:05:35"Yep. In fact, I think MP stands for Mmm, Pussy!

0:05:35 > 0:05:38"I love pole dancers.

0:05:38 > 0:05:41"Not Polish dancers, they should stay in Poland.

0:05:41 > 0:05:42"But pole dancers, mmm."

0:05:42 > 0:05:46Now, from politics to yet another famous broadcaster

0:05:46 > 0:05:48falling from grace.

0:05:48 > 0:05:49The broadcaster Stuart Hall

0:05:49 > 0:05:52has been described as an opportunistic predator

0:05:52 > 0:05:57after admitting 14 indecent assaults on children as young as nine.

0:06:01 > 0:06:05In the 1970s, Stuart Hall was the face of the hugely popular game show

0:06:05 > 0:06:09It's A Knockout, but on the same day that this episode was filmed in Ely,

0:06:09 > 0:06:12he indecently assaulted a teenage girl.

0:06:12 > 0:06:13What an arsehole.

0:06:13 > 0:06:16I hope when he takes his first shower in prison,

0:06:16 > 0:06:19some huge bloke bends him over and plays this.

0:06:19 > 0:06:22"IT'S A KNOCKOUT" THEME TUNE

0:06:24 > 0:06:26In fact, I hope someone commentates over it

0:06:26 > 0:06:28like he used to do in football.

0:06:28 > 0:06:31"Big Terry slams into Stuart Hall like the Greek God Achilles.

0:06:31 > 0:06:35"He screams in pain like a lovesick whale.

0:06:35 > 0:06:38"It's a knockout. No. It's a cock-out."

0:06:38 > 0:06:40APPLAUSE

0:06:44 > 0:06:46Just my opinion.

0:06:46 > 0:06:49Although not everyone thinks we should be so harsh on Stuart.

0:06:49 > 0:06:51Did you see what Helen Flanagan said?

0:06:57 > 0:07:02What?! Helen, he's a paedo!

0:07:02 > 0:07:07"What? He's a boat that you move with your legs?"

0:07:07 > 0:07:09No, Helen. That's a pedalo.

0:07:12 > 0:07:15They're very different things. He's a kiddie fiddler.

0:07:15 > 0:07:20"Oh, he's a really small violinist?"

0:07:20 > 0:07:22No. No.

0:07:22 > 0:07:25It's such a depressing story, isn't it? Jimmy Savile, Stuart Hall.

0:07:25 > 0:07:28It's like my childhood's falling apart.

0:07:28 > 0:07:31Who are we going to see accused next, this guy?

0:07:32 > 0:07:34Let's be honest, it doesn't look good for Pat.

0:07:34 > 0:07:36He likes putting packages into small slots

0:07:36 > 0:07:41and he hangs out with young pussy. It doesn't look good.

0:07:47 > 0:07:50What a week, though. Stuart Hall, UKIP growing in power.

0:07:50 > 0:07:51It's so depressing, man.

0:07:51 > 0:07:53It almost feels like at the end of the news, they should show us

0:07:53 > 0:07:57one thing just to cheer us up, and I may have found just the thing.

0:07:57 > 0:08:00Whenever the news is particularly soul-crushing,

0:08:00 > 0:08:02I say they end it with this.

0:08:07 > 0:08:10MONKEY CHUCKLES

0:08:11 > 0:08:14Come on. It would work. Would that not work?

0:08:17 > 0:08:19Imagine. Imagine that on the news.

0:08:23 > 0:08:27Next up, did you see the man who built the world's largest jigsaw?

0:08:27 > 0:08:29It took 35 days of cutting

0:08:29 > 0:08:34for Dave to create his 40,000 piece tribute to the Queen's Jubilee.

0:08:35 > 0:08:38I was going non-stop every day for about...

0:08:39 > 0:08:41..between eight and ten hours a day.

0:08:42 > 0:08:45Finally, his life's work was complete

0:08:45 > 0:08:48and ready to exhibit at Sandringham, the Queen's country retreat.

0:08:48 > 0:08:49What happened next?

0:08:49 > 0:08:52Dave was just pressing down a few uneven pieces

0:08:52 > 0:08:54when he pushed a little too hard.

0:09:03 > 0:09:05Poor sod!

0:09:06 > 0:09:09"There you go, 40,000 pieces, my life's work...

0:09:09 > 0:09:11"Oh, there's a bit sticking out.

0:09:11 > 0:09:13"I'll just put that back, I am a bit of a perfectionist,

0:09:13 > 0:09:15"I want to get it right. I love the Queen.

0:09:15 > 0:09:18"Some people say she's got goat legs, those people are wrong."

0:09:19 > 0:09:20"I'll just put this last bit in..."

0:09:20 > 0:09:25- CRRRRRR! - "I've wasted my life!"

0:09:25 > 0:09:28Did you see his wife's reaction? I bet she was gutted.

0:09:28 > 0:09:31SHE LAUGHS

0:09:31 > 0:09:35"It were the funniest thing I've ever seen!

0:09:35 > 0:09:39"He was in pieces, like his fucking jigsaw!"

0:09:41 > 0:09:43Poor bloke! Have a look at it again.

0:09:43 > 0:09:46Look at the little walk he does when it falls.

0:09:54 > 0:09:55AUDIENCE: Aww!

0:09:55 > 0:09:57HE WHIMPERS

0:09:57 > 0:10:01He's so calm. "Oh, well. Never mind.

0:10:01 > 0:10:03"Start again, pick up a corner, no problem."

0:10:04 > 0:10:10- I'd have been,- "BLEEP BLEEP! - Suck my- BLEEP,- you- BLEEP,- you- BLEEP,

0:10:10 > 0:10:12- "BLEEPing- hoverpig!"

0:10:14 > 0:10:17It would kill me. Christ, I lose my shit over tiny things.

0:10:17 > 0:10:20I once stubbed my toe and actually turned to the wall

0:10:20 > 0:10:23and said, "What the fuck are you laughing at?"

0:10:25 > 0:10:28In fact, the only thing that would have calmed me down

0:10:28 > 0:10:30in that moment would've been this.

0:10:30 > 0:10:32MONKEY CHUCKLES

0:10:34 > 0:10:36But it wasn't just his wife laughing at him.

0:10:36 > 0:10:38Even the news started taunting him.

0:10:38 > 0:10:41He'd love to go back and undo his little error

0:10:41 > 0:10:44but sadly, life doesn't come with a rewind button.

0:10:44 > 0:10:46AUDIENCE GROANS

0:10:46 > 0:10:49"Life doesn't come with a rewind button."

0:10:49 > 0:10:51HE PANTS

0:10:51 > 0:10:54If only it did, I'd travel back to 1992 and simply say,

0:10:54 > 0:10:56"Mum, don't cut my hair."

0:10:56 > 0:10:58AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:11:00 > 0:11:02Talking of people who wish they could rewind life,

0:11:02 > 0:11:05did you hear about this prank in America that went wrong?

0:11:11 > 0:11:14He's going to jail for letting off a stink bomb.

0:11:14 > 0:11:16I love this story for two reasons.

0:11:16 > 0:11:19One, the name of the spray he used and two,

0:11:19 > 0:11:21the way his wife pronounces it.

0:11:21 > 0:11:23NEWSREADER: This is a bottle of...

0:11:23 > 0:11:24Liquid Ay-ass.

0:11:26 > 0:11:30- What's it called?- Liquid Ay-ass. - I cannot stop saying it.

0:11:30 > 0:11:34Just saying it makes you feel happy. On three, one, two, three...

0:11:34 > 0:11:36- AUDIENCE: Liquid Ay-ass! - It feels good, doesn't it?

0:11:36 > 0:11:38See, you're probably thinking,

0:11:38 > 0:11:41"I bet he's only going to jail for a couple of days."

0:11:41 > 0:11:43Oh, no, here he is. Look how long he's going for.

0:11:43 > 0:11:45It was just a harmless prank.

0:11:45 > 0:11:48Now, I'm looking at 90 days in jail.

0:11:48 > 0:11:5290 days in jail for letting off a stink bomb?!

0:11:52 > 0:11:55I think we all know what he'll get if he goes in the showers.

0:11:55 > 0:11:56Liquid Ay-ass.

0:11:59 > 0:12:03Now, from Liquid Ay-ass to an amazing story about fancy dress.

0:12:03 > 0:12:06Members of the Women's Institute got a bit of a shock when they dressed up

0:12:06 > 0:12:10as pirates to hear a speech from a retired sea captain about piracy.

0:12:10 > 0:12:11Here they are, dressed up.

0:12:11 > 0:12:14Aw, lovely, they're dressed as pirates.

0:12:14 > 0:12:15I wonder what happened next?

0:12:15 > 0:12:17The light-hearted gesture went wrong

0:12:17 > 0:12:19when they realised their speaker, Colin Darch,

0:12:19 > 0:12:23seen here in the middle, had actually been kidnapped by Somali pirates

0:12:23 > 0:12:26and held hostage for 47 days.

0:12:26 > 0:12:28"Hiya!

0:12:28 > 0:12:33"Shiver me timbers! Walk the plank!

0:12:33 > 0:12:35"Why is he crying?"

0:12:36 > 0:12:40"What? He was savagely beaten and held at gunpoint?

0:12:40 > 0:12:41"Lose the parrot."

0:12:47 > 0:12:50Science news, now. Have you heard who's going to Mars?

0:12:50 > 0:12:53This is a trip that could test the very best of marriages.

0:12:53 > 0:12:56A multi-millionaire tycoon is searching for an older couple

0:12:56 > 0:12:59- to travel to Mars.- They're going to put pensioners in space.

0:13:01 > 0:13:04I can't wait to see the launch.

0:13:04 > 0:13:06Apollo 15, commencing countdown.

0:13:06 > 0:13:08"Ooh, Countdown, I bloody love that programme.

0:13:08 > 0:13:10"Do you know what I like? The music."

0:13:10 > 0:13:11IMITATES COUNTDOWN THEME TUNE

0:13:11 > 0:13:16- ENGINES ROAR - "Fucking heeeell!"

0:13:16 > 0:13:17They'll be brilliant.

0:13:17 > 0:13:19"This is Mission Control, what's your position?"

0:13:19 > 0:13:22"Well, I'm sat down and Roger's having a nap."

0:13:24 > 0:13:26HE STIFLES A LAUGH

0:13:26 > 0:13:27Mind you, it's not all fun.

0:13:27 > 0:13:29Have you seen their living conditions?

0:13:29 > 0:13:33The pair will spend 16 months together in a capsule no bigger

0:13:33 > 0:13:36than a garden shed with no showers

0:13:36 > 0:13:40and drinking water made from recycled sweat.

0:13:40 > 0:13:41HE WHISTLES, AUDIENCE GROANS

0:13:41 > 0:13:44I think we all know what that room's going to smell like.

0:13:44 > 0:13:45Liquid Ay-ass!

0:13:48 > 0:13:51Thank God they haven't got showers.

0:13:51 > 0:13:54No-one wants to see an old man's bollocks in zero gravity.

0:13:54 > 0:13:59Just...whoa! Just floating around, like a fleshy lava lamp.

0:13:59 > 0:14:01Whaaa!

0:14:03 > 0:14:05Eurgh, sorry, I can taste that joke!

0:14:06 > 0:14:10To be honest, it isn't the pensioners I feel sorry for,

0:14:10 > 0:14:13it's the poor bastard at Mission Control who has to listen

0:14:13 > 0:14:15to them rambling on.

0:14:15 > 0:14:18OK, Shuttle Tiberius, you are clear for comms, over.

0:14:18 > 0:14:23Oh, Mission Control, I remember the first time I saw Alan Titchmarsh.

0:14:23 > 0:14:25I went weak at the knees!

0:14:25 > 0:14:27I thought, "You can trim my rosebush any day!"

0:14:27 > 0:14:29Nick Knowles, I don't like...

0:14:29 > 0:14:35Listen, I like prunes but prunes do not like me. Oh!

0:14:35 > 0:14:40Man flu? Bloody pathetic. I've had five children, Mission Control.

0:14:40 > 0:14:41I'd rather have a runny nose

0:14:41 > 0:14:44than squeeze a kid out of my bloody noo-nar!

0:14:45 > 0:14:48Oh, fuck this!

0:14:48 > 0:14:51- BANG! - Arggghhhh!

0:14:51 > 0:14:53APPLAUSE

0:14:55 > 0:14:58Next up, did you see what a robot on Mars did?

0:15:04 > 0:15:07This is true. Did you see it? Look at that.

0:15:07 > 0:15:09AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:15:09 > 0:15:12A robot did that! Mind you, that's nothing.

0:15:12 > 0:15:15They drew an even bigger dick on the other side.

0:15:23 > 0:15:25This is the part of the show I don't know anything about,

0:15:25 > 0:15:27a mystery guest who's been in the news,

0:15:27 > 0:15:29I have to figure out who that person is

0:15:29 > 0:15:30so please welcome my mystery guest.

0:15:30 > 0:15:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:15:42 > 0:15:45- Hello.- Hello.- There's a lot going on here, isn't there?- There is.

0:15:45 > 0:15:48- Nice to meet you, I'm Russell. - Hi, Russell. I'm Jo.- Hey, Jo.

0:15:48 > 0:15:50- Thanks for coming on the show. - Pleasure.

0:15:50 > 0:15:55You appear to have a lot of decapitated mannequins.

0:15:55 > 0:15:57- It looks that way, doesn't it? - It very much does.

0:15:57 > 0:16:00Presumably it's got something to do with kind of first aid?

0:16:00 > 0:16:05- Am I close?- Kind of.- OK.- Go a bit further than first aid.

0:16:05 > 0:16:07Bit further...second aid?

0:16:09 > 0:16:12- OK, so I'm fairly close with first aid.- Yeah.

0:16:12 > 0:16:14Um...I know exactly what it is.

0:16:14 > 0:16:17- Do you work for the St John's Ambulance?- No.- Damn!

0:16:17 > 0:16:22- I was so confident then.- You're not too far off.- OK. Paramedic?- You are.

0:16:22 > 0:16:25- Yes! He gets it! - CHEERING

0:16:26 > 0:16:30Lovely. Thank you very much.

0:16:30 > 0:16:32Why have you been in the news specifically?

0:16:32 > 0:16:34That's for my work as an advanced paramedic.

0:16:34 > 0:16:37Excellent, that's worth a round of applause.

0:16:37 > 0:16:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:16:41 > 0:16:44So, what have you done?

0:16:44 > 0:16:48Well, I set up a unit to do response care out in the community

0:16:48 > 0:16:52- instead of sending them to hospital so it frees up hospital beds.- OK.

0:16:52 > 0:16:54The only thing you don't have at hospital is the alcohol gel

0:16:54 > 0:16:57- which is quite nice.- Oh, you like that?- I quite like it.

0:16:57 > 0:16:59I spent a week in hospital and I'll mention this,

0:16:59 > 0:17:02this is how I could've done with being looked after by you

0:17:02 > 0:17:03where I had no access to stuff like this.

0:17:03 > 0:17:05- I smeared it on my balls.- Ooh!

0:17:06 > 0:17:13Because I was so bored. Honestly, I wanted to... I had...

0:17:13 > 0:17:17I don't know why I did it. I had a week of utter boredom

0:17:17 > 0:17:20and I'm talking instant regret. Literally, my brain went,

0:17:20 > 0:17:23"I wonder what it'll be like to put it on my balls?"

0:17:23 > 0:17:27- And I put it on and the yelp I made...- Cool?- And then I...

0:17:27 > 0:17:29- Cold?- No, it's the, "Owww!"

0:17:29 > 0:17:31And then a nurse came, "Are you all right?"

0:17:31 > 0:17:34You're like, "Oh, I'm in the toilet."

0:17:34 > 0:17:37If there's any mums at home that struggle waking up their teenage...

0:17:37 > 0:17:39Actually, DON'T do that. Don't go there!

0:17:39 > 0:17:43- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - "Mum, what's wrong with you?"

0:17:45 > 0:17:48No, let them sleep! Let 'em sleep.

0:17:48 > 0:17:51So, talking of that, what's the most compromising situation

0:17:51 > 0:17:55you've ever found someone in? I bet it doesn't get weirder than...

0:17:55 > 0:18:00- Well, we got a call once to somebody that had a penis injury.- Right.

0:18:00 > 0:18:03And it was obviously...

0:18:03 > 0:18:06We'd got it as a penis injury after a compromising position.

0:18:06 > 0:18:09- Did you just help him or just laugh? - No, I didn't look.

0:18:09 > 0:18:11- You didn't look?- No. - What had he done?

0:18:11 > 0:18:13Um...I think he'd just torn it a little bit.

0:18:13 > 0:18:16AUDIENCE GROANS

0:18:16 > 0:18:20- Well, Natalie Imbruglia did warn us. - Yep!

0:18:22 > 0:18:23I'm pretty sure that's what

0:18:23 > 0:18:26- that song was about, wasn't it? - Could well be.

0:18:26 > 0:18:28What I love now, there's a settling over the audience where girls

0:18:28 > 0:18:32are going, "I dunno," and men have gone to a very deep, calm place.

0:18:37 > 0:18:41- It's sore.- I imagine it is, yeah. Yeah.

0:18:41 > 0:18:43So are we going to do anything else?

0:18:43 > 0:18:46We are, we'll see if you scrub up well as a paramedic.

0:18:46 > 0:18:47- I look forward to that.- Yes.

0:18:47 > 0:18:50AMBULANCE SIREN BLARES

0:18:50 > 0:18:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:18:53 > 0:18:55We would appear to be outside an ambulance.

0:18:55 > 0:18:57What are we going to do, Jo?

0:18:57 > 0:18:59Well, we've been told by our control it's an accident

0:18:59 > 0:19:02- and you're going to show me what a good paramedic you are.- OK.

0:19:02 > 0:19:05- Right.- Are you ready? - Yep, born ready. Here we go.

0:19:07 > 0:19:09LAUGHTER

0:19:09 > 0:19:16Help! Help! Help! Help! Help!

0:19:16 > 0:19:20Help! Help!

0:19:20 > 0:19:23- What do you think has gone on? - What do I think has gone on?- Yeah.

0:19:23 > 0:19:24Well...

0:19:24 > 0:19:25LAUGHTER

0:19:25 > 0:19:27I don't know. What do you think has happened?

0:19:27 > 0:19:29I think there might be a little accident there.

0:19:29 > 0:19:33- Yeah, I think you're right.- I think they're going to need our help.

0:19:33 > 0:19:36- Yeah, I'll help you.- Hold on a second. Always look for dangers.

0:19:36 > 0:19:39- So, you have got to take that dog off first.- Right, take the dog off first.

0:19:39 > 0:19:41- Yeah.- Hello, sir. I hadn't noticed your leg there.

0:19:41 > 0:19:43- My leg hurts a little bit. - Yeah, it looks pretty bad.

0:19:43 > 0:19:47- I've got a javelin through my head. I'm halfway up a dog.- I know.

0:19:47 > 0:19:49And I've got a liquid arse.

0:19:49 > 0:19:51LAUGHTER

0:19:51 > 0:19:53APPLAUSE

0:19:55 > 0:19:58I mean, it's the last one that's the most embarrassing.

0:19:58 > 0:20:00What would you like to do first?

0:20:00 > 0:20:01Pull my dog off.

0:20:01 > 0:20:03AUDIENCE: Wahey!

0:20:03 > 0:20:04LAUGHTER

0:20:07 > 0:20:10Oh, that's it. Oh, it really... Oh! Ah! Ah!

0:20:10 > 0:20:12Oh, my God!

0:20:13 > 0:20:16Ah, you fucker!

0:20:16 > 0:20:19Let him die. Let him die.

0:20:21 > 0:20:23- Bandage.- What? Yeah, bandage.

0:20:23 > 0:20:27Arm injury. Bandage. Get it on there, quick.

0:20:27 > 0:20:31- You're going to be all right. Let's get you...- Nice and tight.

0:20:31 > 0:20:32Let's get you through.

0:20:32 > 0:20:34LAUGHTER

0:20:37 > 0:20:41- Oh, God.- Well, there's more of that than I was expecting.

0:20:41 > 0:20:44He has gone full Carrie.

0:20:44 > 0:20:46Get the bandage round there as well.

0:20:46 > 0:20:50- Yeah, I will.- Come on.

0:20:50 > 0:20:51Bandage my javelin.

0:20:52 > 0:20:55Right, that's you sorted. That's perfect.

0:20:56 > 0:20:58Hold that in your mouth.

0:20:59 > 0:21:02- Right, he's good to go. Right, what's next?- Next.

0:21:02 > 0:21:04This might smart.

0:21:07 > 0:21:08Amazing.

0:21:08 > 0:21:10APPLAUSE

0:21:11 > 0:21:14- It's a miracle.- It is a miracle.

0:21:16 > 0:21:17LAUGHTER

0:21:18 > 0:21:21- Are you ready?- No! No!

0:21:21 > 0:21:24- No?- No. Never pull it out. - I think he needs that out.

0:21:26 > 0:21:30- Neck brace.- Leg brace?- Neck brace. - Neck brace. Which is that?

0:21:30 > 0:21:33- Neck brace. That's the one.- That one? Yeah, let's put him in that.

0:21:36 > 0:21:40LAUGHTER

0:21:40 > 0:21:41No.

0:21:44 > 0:21:47That'll do. Perfect.

0:21:49 > 0:21:52It's going to be all right. It's going to be all right.

0:21:52 > 0:21:55That's not going to help him at all. No, it's got to go round his neck.

0:21:58 > 0:22:01He just said he wants to go to Switzerland.

0:22:01 > 0:22:03I'll tell you what, let's just get him off to hospital,

0:22:03 > 0:22:05get him in the wheelchair, yeah?

0:22:05 > 0:22:07There he is. Let's just sort his neck out first.

0:22:10 > 0:22:13- Dignitas? You want to go to Dignitas?- Yeah.

0:22:13 > 0:22:17- Excellent. Wonderful. Here we go. - Right, let's get him on this.

0:22:17 > 0:22:20Get him in the chair. Do you want me to hold the chair?

0:22:20 > 0:22:22He's going to be all right.

0:22:22 > 0:22:24LAUGHTER

0:22:27 > 0:22:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:22:30 > 0:22:34I don't need that. I don't need it. He's going to be fine.

0:22:36 > 0:22:38LAUGHTER

0:22:43 > 0:22:44CHEERING

0:22:44 > 0:22:50Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up...

0:22:50 > 0:22:52Right, let's get him to hospital.

0:22:52 > 0:22:55Please give it up for my mystery guest

0:22:55 > 0:22:57and the wonderful Steve Hall.

0:22:57 > 0:22:58APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:23:04 > 0:23:06So, what else has been happening?

0:23:06 > 0:23:08Did you hear about this?

0:23:14 > 0:23:17So, did people offer useful names? Not really.

0:23:22 > 0:23:25And my personal favourite...

0:23:27 > 0:23:29I think we all know what she should go with.

0:23:29 > 0:23:30Liquid Ay-ass.

0:23:32 > 0:23:36Over in New Zealand, check out what this bloke wants to do to cats.

0:23:36 > 0:23:40Economist Gareth Morgan has initiated a website called Cats To Go.

0:23:40 > 0:23:44He wants people to consider making their current cat their last one.

0:23:44 > 0:23:46Morgan states, "That little ball of fluff you own

0:23:46 > 0:23:48"is a natural born killer."

0:23:48 > 0:23:51He wants to rid the world of cats.

0:23:51 > 0:23:53Some people have started already.

0:23:55 > 0:23:57LAUGHTER

0:23:57 > 0:24:01It's insane. Imagine a world without cats.

0:24:01 > 0:24:03It doesn't bear thinking about.

0:24:10 > 0:24:11AUDIENCE: Oh.

0:24:11 > 0:24:15No!

0:24:15 > 0:24:18MUSIC: Adagio For Strings by Samuel Barber

0:24:18 > 0:24:21Why?!

0:24:21 > 0:24:24Son of a bitch!

0:24:24 > 0:24:27Aaargh!

0:24:32 > 0:24:33LAUGHTER

0:24:33 > 0:24:36HE ROARS

0:24:36 > 0:24:38Oh, no!

0:24:38 > 0:24:40LAUGHTER

0:24:40 > 0:24:42Why?!

0:24:44 > 0:24:46LAUGHTER

0:24:46 > 0:24:48APPLAUSE

0:24:48 > 0:24:50Fuck cats.

0:24:50 > 0:24:52Right, Rover?

0:24:52 > 0:24:54Damn straight.

0:24:54 > 0:24:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:25:00 > 0:25:03Next up, a wonderful story about a family from Virginia.

0:25:07 > 0:25:11My favourite quote of all time was our furnace repair man.

0:25:11 > 0:25:14He comes into the house, stops dead in his tracks and says,

0:25:14 > 0:25:19"This looks like some kind of United Nations meeting."

0:25:19 > 0:25:21I was born in Bangkok.

0:25:21 > 0:25:24- Bangalore, India.- Connecticut.

0:25:24 > 0:25:26I was born in Romania.

0:25:26 > 0:25:27- Ethiopia.- In China.

0:25:29 > 0:25:33'Sharon is the gas pedal and I am the brakes.

0:25:33 > 0:25:35'Over and over, she will say,

0:25:35 > 0:25:38'"I found this child who needs X and Y and Z'

0:25:38 > 0:25:42"and all we have to do is fly over the ocean, get funding,

0:25:42 > 0:25:45"connect this dot to here and it would be done."

0:25:45 > 0:25:48People discouraged us. They thought we were going to ruin our lives by

0:25:48 > 0:25:52taking all these special kids. They said, "You don't know what to do."

0:25:52 > 0:25:54And it is true that we had no experience and we didn't really know

0:25:54 > 0:25:57how to raise them but you see what happens with unconditional love.

0:25:57 > 0:26:01'You give a person unconditional love and they blossom.'

0:26:04 > 0:26:07It took me decades to figure this out.

0:26:07 > 0:26:11There is no physical thing that you can buy that is actually going

0:26:11 > 0:26:14to give you true peace and happiness.

0:26:14 > 0:26:19And the pure joy that will come from a rescue and a ransom of a child's

0:26:19 > 0:26:23life is probably the most satisfying thing you can imagine.

0:26:23 > 0:26:27You think that they don't really know the gravity of them

0:26:27 > 0:26:28being rescued or saved.

0:26:30 > 0:26:33Then you will see them in an external setting like one of them

0:26:33 > 0:26:37is in front of 300 people last Friday night and he tells people that he

0:26:37 > 0:26:41probably wouldn't be alive if he hadn't been adopted by this family.

0:26:43 > 0:26:46I feel like having these kids has really helped us

0:26:46 > 0:26:49find our life, find our meaning, find our purpose.

0:26:49 > 0:26:50APPLAUSE

0:26:50 > 0:26:51They're beautiful.

0:26:54 > 0:26:57Thanks very much for watching Good News. Good night, my friends.

0:26:57 > 0:26:59Farewell.

0:26:59 > 0:27:00CHEERING