0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Thank you!
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Hello!
0:00:36 > 0:00:39And welcome to Good News! So what's been happening?
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Either this bloke has a massive erection or he's hiding a dwarf.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44LAUGHTER
0:00:48 > 0:00:52That's nothing. Did anyone else see that gnome wanking on the news?
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Gnomes, banned for 100 years, have been spotted here at Chelsea.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01LAUGHTER
0:01:04 > 0:01:07I think we all know he's happy.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08And here's a question.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Did anyone else think that Sky's coverage of the Oklahoma tornado
0:01:11 > 0:01:13was a little bit shit?
0:01:13 > 0:01:17We'll be live from Oklahoma for the very latest on the tornado.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21LAUGHTER
0:01:23 > 0:01:25The latest, there, from Jeremy Thompson.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27LAUGHTER
0:01:27 > 0:01:28And finally,
0:01:28 > 0:01:32is it me or does Morgan Freeman find Michael Caine a little bit boring?
0:01:32 > 0:01:36They then, in the movie, show you how it was done without CGI.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38LAUGHTER
0:01:38 > 0:01:40It was a wondrous thing to sit there.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44We were in the audience last night. I had never seen it before...
0:01:44 > 0:01:46LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:01:46 > 0:01:50The action was incredible because they actually show you, you know,
0:01:50 > 0:01:54in the film the police come in and solve how the trick was done.
0:01:54 > 0:02:00- I played a magician... - LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:02:00 > 0:02:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:05 > 0:02:08The big news is, of course, the tragic events in Woolwich.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12The shocking attack on the streets of London.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Two men are shot by armed police after attacking
0:02:14 > 0:02:18what is reported to be a serving soldier.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20It was an awful, barbaric attack. The nation was shocked.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Some left flowers at the scene, some donated money
0:02:23 > 0:02:26for Help for Heroes and then a few morons did this.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30There were attacks on mosques in Kent and Essex.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31What a bunch of dicks!
0:02:31 > 0:02:34"There's been an attack in Woolwich.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36"Let's drive 50 miles away and brick a mosque."
0:02:36 > 0:02:37What kind of logic's that?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40"Fred West killed people in Gloucester.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42"Let's go to Swindon and punch someone!"
0:02:42 > 0:02:44- LAUGHTER - Then it got worse.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Some twats from the English Defence League went to Woolwich
0:02:48 > 0:02:50to "reclaim the streets"!
0:02:50 > 0:02:53There were confrontations in Woolwich between the police
0:02:53 > 0:02:56and a group of around 60 people from the English Defence League.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58CHANTING: E...E...EDL! E...E...EDL!
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Utter knobs!
0:03:00 > 0:03:05"We're going to make the streets safer...by fighting!"
0:03:05 > 0:03:07LAUGHTER
0:03:07 > 0:03:10"We're gonna clean up the streets by throwing bricks,
0:03:10 > 0:03:12"hurling bottles and smashing up shops.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16"The only way to stop terrorism is to create more terror!"
0:03:16 > 0:03:19If you want to make Britain a better place for your children,
0:03:19 > 0:03:23it's probably not a good idea to throw bricks at the fucking police!
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Also, does anyone else find it pretty ironic that people
0:03:26 > 0:03:30who hate Muslims turned up looking like they were wearing burkas?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:36 > 0:03:38They're so stupid!
0:03:38 > 0:03:42Some of them can't tell the difference between Islam and Narnia.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44LAUGHTER
0:03:46 > 0:03:49"And don't get me started on Mr Tumnus!"
0:03:51 > 0:03:53It wasn't just the EDL being idiotic,
0:03:53 > 0:03:56did you hear what happened on Twitter?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Hundreds of people sent tweets like this:
0:04:00 > 0:04:02And who were they sending it to?
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- EDF Energy. - LAUGHTER
0:04:05 > 0:04:11That's right. People were accusing an energy supplier of being racist.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14This poor guy was shitting himself!
0:04:14 > 0:04:15LAUGHTER
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Some tweets were good, though.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Nick Griffin got slammed after a typically bigoted outburst.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32And what was the very first response he got?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:37 > 0:04:41I couldn't have put it better myself!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Now, one thing we can all agree on -
0:04:45 > 0:04:47in times of adversity, you need a good leader.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51David Cameron stepped up and delivered this stirring speech.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54This country will be absolutely resolute in its stand
0:04:54 > 0:04:57against violent extremism and terror.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01We will never give in to terror or terrorism in any of its forms.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04I will work every hour God sends
0:05:04 > 0:05:06until terrorism is a thing of the past.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09And where was he 24 hours later?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11The Prime Minister has flown off on holiday.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14He has gone to Ibiza with wife Samantha.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16What an idiot!
0:05:16 > 0:05:18The country's on terror alert. He's like,
0:05:18 > 0:05:20# Whoa, I'm going to Ibiza! #
0:05:20 > 0:05:24"Pedro, line up the cocktails. Daddy's gonna get bollocked."
0:05:24 > 0:05:25LAUGHTER
0:05:25 > 0:05:27So why has Dave gone on his hols?
0:05:27 > 0:05:31Well, he's had a tough time trying to make gay marriage legal.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34The Prime Minister is facing opposition from within his own party
0:05:34 > 0:05:36as the Bill to allow same-sex marriage in England and Wales
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- returns to the House of Commons. - You're telling me.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Loads of Tories were outraged. "It's disgusting!
0:05:42 > 0:05:44It's appalling!"
0:05:44 > 0:05:46But Norman Tebbit wins my award for overreaction of the week.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Did you see what he said?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:53 > 0:05:55What?
0:06:01 > 0:06:05"Gay marriage may lead to a lesbian Queen?"
0:06:05 > 0:06:07I'd love to have seen the Queen's face when she read that!
0:06:07 > 0:06:09"Philip!"
0:06:09 > 0:06:11LAUGHTER
0:06:11 > 0:06:15"It says here that if they pass gay marriage, I'll become a lesbian."
0:06:17 > 0:06:20"Really? Can I watch?
0:06:22 > 0:06:25"Hello? Kelly Brook? I'm sending a cab."
0:06:25 > 0:06:29I tell you what, this is really going to change the Queen's speech.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31"Britain. I've got an announcement to make.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34"I am off the Crown Jewels.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38"From now on, I shall be known as Your Vagesty."
0:06:38 > 0:06:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:40 > 0:06:41"Yeah, yeah, yeah."
0:06:47 > 0:06:49"Gay marriage will lead to a lesbian Queen"? What?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51And I suppose it will make Prince Harry do this?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53LAUGHTER
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Mind you...
0:06:57 > 0:06:59If you think what Norman Tebbit said was insane,
0:06:59 > 0:07:02look what this bloke in America did.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05A dog owner sends his pet to be euthanised
0:07:05 > 0:07:07because he thinks his dog is gay.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10The pup was humping another male dog.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14The owner told shelter workers he refuses to have a gay dog.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16AUDIENCE GASPS
0:07:16 > 0:07:21Yeah. He wants his dog to be killed cos he's gay. Poor dog. Yeah!
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Imagine him in the pound. "What are you in for?" "Too old. You?"
0:07:25 > 0:07:27"Too fabulous."
0:07:27 > 0:07:29LAUGHTER
0:07:33 > 0:07:38"Fetch your bone? Honey, I don't even know your name."
0:07:38 > 0:07:39LAUGHTER
0:07:39 > 0:07:42# Fly me to the moon... #
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Don't fret. Luckily, this story has a happy ending.
0:07:45 > 0:07:50A Facebook campaign was set up to try and save the dumped dog
0:07:50 > 0:07:53and luckily, he's been adopted and named Elton.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- CHEERING - All's well that ends well.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59Not only that, his new boyfriend loves to be teabagged.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03LAUGHING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:06 > 0:08:09MUSIC: "Sexual Healing" by Marvin Gaye
0:08:09 > 0:08:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:16 > 0:08:20Elsewhere this week, have you seen who fancies being London Mayor?
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Eddie Izzard says he's prepared to take the flak
0:08:22 > 0:08:24for wanting to pursue a career in politics.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27In a recent magazine interview, the comedian confirmed
0:08:27 > 0:08:30he will seek the Labour nomination for Mayor of London.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31Wow!
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Eddie Izzard versus Boris Johnson!
0:08:35 > 0:08:38That could be the most amazing, surreal debate ever.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42- I want a party with values. - Reduce crime and disorder.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44- Invade Birmingham. - Pelted with pork pies.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- Take your buttocks and sell them to the Chinese.- Triangular doo-dah.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49- Porkpie hat on a raptor. - Killer rabbit.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51- Chicken undertakers. - Beetroot juice!
0:08:51 > 0:08:53- Chocolate Hobnobs. - Macaroon.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54- Cake mix. - Cyborg.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57- Tooty.- Badger. - Pigs and squirrels.- Whiff-whaff.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- Helicopters!- Bicycles.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- Bonk.- Codswallop.- What? - Flabbergasted.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02- Lipstick.- Pussycat.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- Bisexual hermaphrodite. - Very ni-i-ice!
0:09:05 > 0:09:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:08 > 0:09:10That is a debate we would all watch.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Mind you, if you think those two are odd choices for a mayor,
0:09:17 > 0:09:20check out this old story from America.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Robert Tufts might look like your average preschooler
0:09:22 > 0:09:25but this little guy has got more credentials
0:09:25 > 0:09:27than most men ten times his age.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29He's the mayor of his own town.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31- LAUGHTER - Yeah!
0:09:31 > 0:09:34A town in America has a four-year-old mayor!
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Imagine his manifesto. "I will be strong on green issues.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41"Or as I call them, bogies."
0:09:41 > 0:09:42LAUGHTER
0:09:42 > 0:09:46"I'm gonna give the economy a Boost and if it's really nice, a Twix."
0:09:46 > 0:09:48LAUGHTER
0:09:50 > 0:09:51Imagine him in debates.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55"This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home
0:09:55 > 0:09:57"but it still claimed benefits and that's bullshit."
0:09:57 > 0:09:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Or maybe he went, "If you don't vote for me,
0:10:03 > 0:10:05"I'll tell everyone you touched me."
0:10:05 > 0:10:07LAUGHTER
0:10:09 > 0:10:11You can't have toddlers running a city.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13They won't be able to handle complicated issues
0:10:13 > 0:10:14like crime and finance.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Some of them still can't get their heads around how ball machines work.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23LAUGHTER
0:10:23 > 0:10:25"How are they appearing?"
0:10:25 > 0:10:29From a toddler mayor to a really lazy bastard.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33Some bloke in America has been paying another man in China
0:10:33 > 0:10:35to do his job for him.
0:10:35 > 0:10:40A US computer programmer actually outsourced his own job to China
0:10:40 > 0:10:42so he could goof off at work.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44He paid the Chinese programmers around one fifth
0:10:44 > 0:10:48of his six-figure salary while he surfed the internet.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51That is unbelievable!
0:10:51 > 0:10:53I, Russell Howard, would never do that!
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Did you see what he was doing at work instead?
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Bob devoted his work time to Facebook, Reddit,
0:11:02 > 0:11:05eBay and cat videos. LAUGHTER
0:11:05 > 0:11:08In fairness, they are funny.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15LAUGHTER
0:11:17 > 0:11:19That was great fun!
0:11:22 > 0:11:24This next story is amazing.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Check out who the Germans are sending into space.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30German porn star Coco Brown
0:11:30 > 0:11:34is training to be the first porn star in space.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37They are sending a porn star to space!
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Fair to say, her co-presenter was a little bit excited about this story.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Oh, my God! It's a porn star in space!
0:11:43 > 0:11:48You think he's happy? Check out how the astronauts felt.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51LAUGHTER
0:11:51 > 0:11:53I'd love to see the moment she met up with them.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56The other astronauts - "I trained for hours in zero gravity."
0:11:56 > 0:11:59"I have a degree in astrophysics. What's your special skill?"
0:11:59 > 0:12:00And her just going,
0:12:00 > 0:12:02"Pass me that ping-pong ball."
0:12:02 > 0:12:04HE HUMS BLUE DANUBE WALTZ
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Christ, there'll be aliens at the windows like this.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17LAUGHTER
0:12:17 > 0:12:22My favourite part of the story is the way this reporter sums it up.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25If you're worried about how she's going to do
0:12:25 > 0:12:28and if she's going to be all right, she's already been in German porn.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Believe me, she can take it.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Aargh!
0:12:32 > 0:12:34LAUGHTER
0:12:34 > 0:12:36That is such a window into his life.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38LAUGHTER
0:12:38 > 0:12:40"She can take it!
0:12:40 > 0:12:43"I once saw a German girl shag so many men,
0:12:43 > 0:12:45"by the time she had finished, she had a..."
0:12:45 > 0:12:48- Liquid ass. - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Mind you, if you think porn in space is bizarre,
0:12:51 > 0:12:54have a look where it appeared in New Zealand.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Families watching Prime TV this afternoon got a shock
0:12:57 > 0:12:59when the grassroots rugby show they were watching
0:12:59 > 0:13:02was suddenly replaced by hardcore porn.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05An Auckland woman watched in disbelief as the rugby
0:13:05 > 0:13:07turned to Desperate Blackwives Two.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09There you go.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11LAUGHTER
0:13:13 > 0:13:15"There you go!"
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Porn interrupted a rugby game.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Imagine that moment. "Come on! Score a try!
0:13:20 > 0:13:23"You can...holy shit!"
0:13:23 > 0:13:26LAUGHTER
0:13:26 > 0:13:28"Well, that is not how you do the Haka!"
0:13:28 > 0:13:31LAUGHTER
0:13:31 > 0:13:33"Do you think she's going to be all right?
0:13:33 > 0:13:36"Yeah, mate. She's been in German porn.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- "She can take it." - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:44 > 0:13:46It is outrageous, though, isn't it?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Showing porn in the middle of a TV show.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51For Christ's sake, you're here to entertain, not show bits of film.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54From the makers of Cock the Week
0:13:54 > 0:13:59and Big Fat Jizz of the Year comes Russell Howard's Wood News.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01HE MOANS
0:14:02 > 0:14:04LAUGHTER
0:14:13 > 0:14:16I was very young and I needed the money.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Go to the music. Go to the fucking music!
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Next up, big religious news in Russia.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29When you hear the words Christian music,
0:14:29 > 0:14:31images like this might come to mind.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33CHORAL SINGING
0:14:34 > 0:14:37But the Church has decided to get with the times.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41The Tulskaya diocese has decided to allow its younger members
0:14:41 > 0:14:44the opportunity to have their voices heard
0:14:44 > 0:14:47and the way they've decided to do this is by rapping.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Yeah. Basically, they're getting rid of hymns
0:14:49 > 0:14:51and replacing it with rap. Imagine that.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53# When I say "Jesus", you say "yeah"
0:14:53 > 0:14:56# He looked like a Bee Gee and he had good hair
0:14:56 > 0:14:57# Judas betrayed him but he don't mind
0:14:57 > 0:14:59- # Cos he can turn water into- BLEEP- wine
0:14:59 > 0:15:02# In the name of the Father the Ghost and the Son
0:15:02 > 0:15:04# I baptise all the bitches and I shoot my gun
0:15:04 > 0:15:06# I got loads of gold and a massive rod
0:15:06 > 0:15:08# Now go in peace and thanks be to God."
0:15:08 > 0:15:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:12 > 0:15:15It would be quite cool...
0:15:16 > 0:15:20..but I don't think it's going to work cos rap and religion, bad idea.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Believe me.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- # Well, I wrote this song for the Christian youth...- Lovely.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27- # I want to teach kids the Christian truth...- Sweet.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30# If you want to reach those kids on the street
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- # Then you've got to do a rap to a hip hop beat...- Gentle.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35- # I gave my sermon an urban kick... - Ooh!
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- # My rhymes are fly...- Eee! - My beats are sick...- Lovely!
0:15:38 > 0:15:40# My crew is big and it keeps getting bigger
0:15:40 > 0:15:43# That's cos Jesus Christ is my nigger. #
0:15:43 > 0:15:45LAUGHTER
0:15:48 > 0:15:51APPLAUSE
0:15:51 > 0:15:53What?
0:16:00 > 0:16:02How did he possibly think that was going to be OK?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04LAUGHTER
0:16:04 > 0:16:08If you create something that shocking, don't film it!
0:16:08 > 0:16:10If I did something awful like, I don't know,
0:16:10 > 0:16:11let's say I made a film
0:16:11 > 0:16:13where some girl did me up the jacksie with a strap-on,
0:16:13 > 0:16:16I would never show that, I'd keep it hidden.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18LAUGHTER
0:16:18 > 0:16:20HE GROANS
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Mmm! Liquid ass!
0:16:22 > 0:16:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:33 > 0:16:36All right, I was a little bit older but I still needed the money.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44There's going to be a mystery guest
0:16:44 > 0:16:47who's been in the news and I need to figure out who that is.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49So please welcome my mystery guest!
0:16:49 > 0:16:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- Hello.- How are you? - Very well indeed. How are you?- Good.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- What's your name?- Norman. - Norman. Right.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06It would appear to have something to do with birds. Um...um...
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Let me think, have a look see.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11- Erm, is it to do with parrots?- No.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- Canaries.- No.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17- Budgies?- Yes.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Right.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Why have you been in the news?
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Are you the world's best budgie...
0:17:22 > 0:17:25No. Not the world's best budgie, no.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27LAUGHTER
0:17:27 > 0:17:30I've got to show you some love. Shake my hand. That was a good gag!
0:17:30 > 0:17:33That was a firm grip! How many budgies have you killed?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36HE CHIRPS
0:17:36 > 0:17:38You're not the world's best budgie killer?
0:17:38 > 0:17:41I'm just going to kill a load of budgies with a hammer!
0:17:41 > 0:17:44- Have you ever killed a budgie? - No, no, no, no. My dog did.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- Your dog killed a budgie.- It's stuck in his throat.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- LAUGHTER - OK.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52LAUGHTER
0:17:54 > 0:17:56APPLAUSE
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Do you have the most budgies in the world?
0:18:01 > 0:18:03No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05LAUGHTER
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- I actually work in a circus. - You work in a circus?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11It must be a pretty shit circus.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14"Behold the budgie!" Not elephants, just budgies?
0:18:14 > 0:18:17We're not allowed elephants in the circus nowadays.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19We have domesticated animals.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21- Horses, ponies and the budgies. - And the budgies.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- So why have you been in the news? - Why have I been in the news?- Yes.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28I've been voted the world's longest-living ringmaster!
0:18:28 > 0:18:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Did you know from an early age that you could be a master of the ring?
0:18:39 > 0:18:41LAUGHTER
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Well, the first time I went into the ring was in 19...
0:18:45 > 0:18:48LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:18:48 > 0:18:50APPLAUSE
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- I can't say anything around here, can I?- I know.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02It wasn't even legal then!
0:19:02 > 0:19:04LAUGHTER
0:19:04 > 0:19:09Now, ha-ha! The first time I performed...
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- In a ring! I know! - LAUGHTER
0:19:12 > 0:19:14- The first time you leapt in the ring doesn't work.- Ha-ha!
0:19:14 > 0:19:17What word are we looking for?
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- The first time I entertained in the ring?- Yeah.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22LAUGHTER
0:19:22 > 0:19:25The first time I went in the ring was 1948.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Then you go. You've been in the ring since 1948!
0:19:27 > 0:19:28LAUGHTER
0:19:28 > 0:19:32I feel like I'm talking to my future self. It's amazing.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34You mean to say you are going to look like me?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37I hope I look like you. You're a good-looking man. How old are you?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- Me? 77.- There you go!
0:19:40 > 0:19:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:45 > 0:19:49- Have you had any awful incidents happen?- Of course you do, at times.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51You know, they sometimes attack.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53- But you'll see that in a minute. - Budgies attack?
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Yeah. Oh, yeah!
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Have you got any diva budgies, just cos they're sort of glamorous
0:19:58 > 0:20:00- you have to deal with them? - Yeah. Of course.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Who is your biggest diva? What's her name?
0:20:03 > 0:20:05- Actually, they are all male budgies. - Oh, right.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08All male and two of them have paired up.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10LAUGHTER
0:20:11 > 0:20:13That's fine, it's the '90s.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15LAUGHTER
0:20:15 > 0:20:18I'm going to introduce you to the budgies and run a budgie circus.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Get in! Let's do that!
0:20:21 > 0:20:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:27 > 0:20:30So, Norman.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34First of all, I think I look a bit like Boris Johnson's sperm.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36LAUGHTER
0:20:36 > 0:20:38You could say that, couldn't you?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40So what are we going to do with these critters?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42You're not frightened of them, are you?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45A little bit, yeah. I want to hit them.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47I want to hit them but my instinct says kill.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49LAUGHTER
0:20:49 > 0:20:51You never know what they might do to you.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55But if they do that to me, I'll put them on a George Foreman grill.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57I'll show you a couple of tricks
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- and you will have to do the next one.- Gotcha!
0:20:59 > 0:21:03But listen, you've got to learn this one. It is a twist.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07- You've got to pick up, put him on the other hand, like that.- Sexy.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Let him down. You have a go at doing that.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- OK. There you go.- Pick him up. Put your hand up to him.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Be brave. Be positive.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Right. Positive.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Put him on your other finger. Above it. Above it.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21No, in front of it.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23There. There, like that.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:28 > 0:21:32- I was just there!- I'll show you again. Watch this, watch this.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- Right. Pick up.- Yeah.- Now, straight in front of him, like that.- I see.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Now you have a go. Turn around. Sitting in the wrong place.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42- Sit down. Good boy. Sit down. Pick up. Don't go like this.- No, no.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44LAUGHTER
0:21:44 > 0:21:46- Positive! Strong!- I will!
0:21:46 > 0:21:49You are a big, strong man.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Dealing with budgies!
0:21:51 > 0:21:53LAUGHTER
0:21:53 > 0:21:56- Now, let me do it. - Right, you are doing well.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Right in. Push your hand in.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Push your hand in. Go on, go on.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Come on!
0:22:02 > 0:22:04LAUGHTER
0:22:06 > 0:22:08- Yeah! - APPLAUSE
0:22:11 > 0:22:13I'll show you a couple of things you can do.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16My lords, ladies and gentlemen.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20The fabulous budgie trainer, Russell Howard.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Off you go, there we are. Let's get going. Here we go.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35That's it, off we go.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39APPLAUSE
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Now you stand over the other side.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- Right, you chase them up. - Hurry up, hurry up. Come on.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Not too much. That's it, you're doing well.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Right there. Come on, hurry up. Hurry up.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Right. Sit down there. Oi! Come on, come on!
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Come on, just sit down.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - How do you stop this?
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Stand at the other end, then they come down. Come on, guys.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Come on, guys. Hurry up. That's the one. Come on, come on. Hurry up.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11LAUGHTER
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Up the top. There we go. There they go!
0:23:16 > 0:23:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:22 > 0:23:24SPEECH DROWNED BY APPLAUSE
0:23:24 > 0:23:28Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30And the wonderful budgies!
0:23:30 > 0:23:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Next up, have a look
0:23:38 > 0:23:43at what the Dutch equivalent of Jonathan Ross did on prime-time TV.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52You think it's shocking hearing about it? Wait till you see it!
0:23:52 > 0:23:54AUDIENCE GROANS
0:23:57 > 0:23:59AAA...
0:23:59 > 0:24:02..AARGH!
0:24:02 > 0:24:04He drank tit milk!
0:24:05 > 0:24:08It wasn't just me that was shocked, even her baby was terrified!
0:24:08 > 0:24:11LAUGHTER
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Some even rang to complain!
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Christ, only one person sums up how I feel.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Ain't nobody got time for that!
0:24:20 > 0:24:22- Yes! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:28 > 0:24:31You would never catch me showing something that disgusting on TV.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34For Christ's sake, families could be watching...
0:24:39 > 0:24:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:47 > 0:24:50I don't remember filming that one!
0:24:54 > 0:24:58Now, an inspirational story about an artist called Barry West.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Seeing Barry West at work, it's the precision
0:25:08 > 0:25:11and patience which is at first extraordinary.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15Then he tells you he has only been mouth painting for 18 months.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18It started out just trying out like a little stick drawing,
0:25:18 > 0:25:21just as a bit of fun.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Then it went from there, really, and thought,
0:25:23 > 0:25:26"I'm getting some really nice comments back
0:25:26 > 0:25:28"after putting some on Facebook."
0:25:28 > 0:25:31And I just went more and more and thought I'll practise more and more.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33I like these comments!
0:25:33 > 0:25:37His progress means his designs could now be sold
0:25:37 > 0:25:39around the world on cards, calendars and prints
0:25:39 > 0:25:42through the Association of Mouth and Foot Painters.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44It's quite an achievement
0:25:44 > 0:25:48but Barry is used to doing what he sets his mind to.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52His car crash at 19 left him unable to use his legs or arms
0:25:52 > 0:25:56but in the 16 years since, he's been skydiving,
0:25:56 > 0:26:00become a qualified scuba diver and scaled Ben Nevis.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02He doesn't just take part
0:26:02 > 0:26:06but is also a team leader on various expeditions.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08When I was able-bodied and you think,
0:26:08 > 0:26:11"I want to go and do something," you know you can do it next week,
0:26:11 > 0:26:16the week after, and you think, "I'll get round to it."
0:26:16 > 0:26:19But while I've had a lot of my physical ability taken away
0:26:19 > 0:26:21where I've only got the use of my head,
0:26:21 > 0:26:24now I think, "How can I do that?"
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Last year he carried the Olympic Torch through Rye.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29The Paralympics, he says,
0:26:29 > 0:26:30has made a real difference
0:26:30 > 0:26:33to people's perceptions of those with disabilities
0:26:33 > 0:26:35and he hopes he can help those struggling,
0:26:35 > 0:26:39as he did for years, to come to terms with spinal injuries.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42We're not programmed in to know how to cope with living in a situation
0:26:42 > 0:26:46with just the use of your head and I didn't think it was possible.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49So hopefully, some of the things I've gone through
0:26:49 > 0:26:52and I've done will help other people in my position
0:26:52 > 0:26:54to believe in their self.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55There you go.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Thank you very much for watching Good News.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Good night, my chums. Farewell.
0:27:31 > 0:27:32HE LAUGHS
0:27:32 > 0:27:36Night-night, Britain!
0:27:36 > 0:27:38LAUGHTER
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd