0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains adult humour and strong language.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Thank you. Thank you very much!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Hello!
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Hello, and welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Here's a tip, if you're going to show off behind a reporter,
0:00:39 > 0:00:40make sure you practise.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44They all went, "Yeah, it's cool. It's cool, we like it."
0:00:44 > 0:00:45And what a great...
0:00:45 > 0:00:47LAUGHTER
0:00:47 > 0:00:49I don't know about you, but I think Kay Burley
0:00:49 > 0:00:51is supporting gay marriage for the wrong reasons.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Let gays marry.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Why should they be happy?
0:00:55 > 0:00:56LAUGHTER
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Tell you what, don't you just hate it when you're on telly
0:00:59 > 0:01:01and you've locked yourself out?
0:01:01 > 0:01:04LAUGHTER
0:01:05 > 0:01:08And finally, if you're going to interrupt the news,
0:01:08 > 0:01:10this is how you do it.
0:01:10 > 0:01:15The scammers may have taken her life savings and possibly her life...
0:01:15 > 0:01:18LAUGHTER
0:01:24 > 0:01:26APPLAUSE
0:01:29 > 0:01:30So, what has been going on?
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Well, the secretive Bilderberg Group had a meeting.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Amidst heavy security, the mysterious Bilderberg Group is meeting.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38The Bilderberg Group...
0:01:38 > 0:01:40The most powerful people on Earth.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Politicians, business chiefs, royalty...
0:01:42 > 0:01:45They're gathering for an annual summit to discuss global policy.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47- Behind closed doors.- Secretive. - Everything is off the record.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49- Off the record.- Total privacy.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51HE GASPS The Bilderberg Group!
0:01:53 > 0:01:57So where did this all-powerful group meet? New York? The Seychelles?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Just off an A-road in Watford.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Yay!
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Watford!
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Apparently, they've got a TK Maxx!
0:02:07 > 0:02:11They could have gone ANYWHERE, and they went to Watford.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13So who are the Bilderberg Group?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Well, my favourite conspiracy theorist has a few ideas.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20The Bilderberg Group is a dangerous fucking phen-on-emon.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Phen-on-emin.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Phenomenon? Phenom... Phenomenon.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Fucking phen-on-emon! LAUGHTER
0:02:30 > 0:02:34Phen-on-imin. They wait... Phenon... Phen-on-imin. Fucking forget it!
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Ph... Ph...
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- Grrrrrr! - LAUGHTER
0:02:38 > 0:02:40So why is he so upset?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Well, he's part of a small minority
0:02:42 > 0:02:45who claim that the Bilderbergs aren't just world leaders and MPs.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Oh, no, they've got a deeper, darker secret.
0:02:54 > 0:02:59That's right, apparently, the world is run by giant lizards.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03"We will destroy the world. Oh, look, a fly!"
0:03:03 > 0:03:06It's bollocks! You show me a politician who looks like a lizard.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08LAUGHTER
0:03:08 > 0:03:11All right, one, but I doubt you'll find any others.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23In royal news, this week, the Queen went to the BBC.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24The Queen has spent the morning
0:03:24 > 0:03:27here at New Broadcasting House in central London
0:03:27 > 0:03:30to open officially the BBC's new headquarters.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33It was brilliant. Did you see the moment she photobombed the news?
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Yes, it's a view that we share with our audience every day,
0:03:37 > 0:03:41but today, a unique moment with a very special royal guest.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44LAUGHTER
0:03:44 > 0:03:47How much would you have loved it if she just went...?
0:03:52 > 0:03:56My highlight was the moment she went to Radio 1. Did you see this?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Did you see her listening to The Script?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01# And I...
0:04:01 > 0:04:03# I will be Queen
0:04:05 > 0:04:08# And you...
0:04:08 > 0:04:11# You will be King... #
0:04:11 > 0:04:15Pretty catchy, pretty nice. I wonder what the Queen thought?
0:04:15 > 0:04:19# They could be heroes
0:04:19 > 0:04:20# Just for one day. #
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Look at that face!
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- Look at that! - LAUGHTER
0:04:25 > 0:04:27"What a load of shit!
0:04:27 > 0:04:30"I prefer will.i.am!"
0:04:30 > 0:04:33I can't believe the Queen watched someone from The Voice
0:04:33 > 0:04:35and didn't turn her chair around.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37How great would that have been?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39"Not for me!
0:04:39 > 0:04:43"Has he gone yet? Kill him."
0:04:43 > 0:04:44LAUGHTER
0:04:44 > 0:04:48I bet she gave them a massive round of applause when they finished.
0:04:48 > 0:04:54# Just for one da-a-ay... #
0:04:58 > 0:05:01LAUGHTER
0:05:02 > 0:05:05One clap! "Right, let's bounce."
0:05:08 > 0:05:13"If we're lucky, we'll get back for Cash In The Attic. Absolute shit!"
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Elsewhere this week, big drama for Simon Cowell.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18There was added drama and excitement
0:05:18 > 0:05:21on the live final of Britain's Got Talent tonight.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24A young woman appeared to get up from the orchestra
0:05:24 > 0:05:27and pelted the judges, including Simon Cowell, with eggs.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34LAUGHTER
0:05:34 > 0:05:37# Dream the impossible... #
0:05:37 > 0:05:39One egg nearly hit Simon in the face,
0:05:39 > 0:05:41but luckily, his belt protected him.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45It's a shame we're talking about eggs.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48We should be talking about the winners. They're called Attraction.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Did you see them? They're amazing.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52# Oh-oh-oh-oh!
0:05:52 > 0:05:54# I wanna sing
0:05:54 > 0:05:57# I wanna shout... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:57 > 0:06:01# I wanna scream till the words dry out
0:06:01 > 0:06:05# So put it in all of the papers
0:06:05 > 0:06:07# I'm not afraid
0:06:07 > 0:06:10# They can read all about it
0:06:10 > 0:06:13# Read all about it... #
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Incredible, moving images there.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Mind you, have you seen the outtakes? They're a bit full-on.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21# Come on, come on
0:06:21 > 0:06:24# You've got a heart as loud as lions... #
0:06:24 > 0:06:26LAUGHTER
0:06:26 > 0:06:28# Baby, we're a little different
0:06:28 > 0:06:31# There's no need to be ashamed
0:06:31 > 0:06:33# You've got the light to fight the shadows... #
0:06:33 > 0:06:35LAUGHTER
0:06:35 > 0:06:38APPLAUSE
0:06:42 > 0:06:44I tell you what,
0:06:44 > 0:06:49I can't wait to see them perform that at the Royal Variety!
0:06:49 > 0:06:51I think we all know the reaction they'll get.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53LAUGHTER
0:06:53 > 0:06:55APPLAUSE
0:06:55 > 0:06:58What else? Simon Cowell wasn't the only celeb who's had a tough week.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Did you hear about Tulisa?
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Tulisa was arrested two days after this picture was revealed.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06It allegedly shows her arranging for a friend
0:07:06 > 0:07:10to supply half an ounce of cocaine to an undercover reporter.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14To be honest, I felt a bit sorry for her. I mean, we've all been stung.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18Yeah, mate, I can get you anyfink you want.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19Big-time.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22LAUGHTER
0:07:22 > 0:07:25And if that's not enough for ya,
0:07:25 > 0:07:28I can get you a really filthy party girl.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31HE LAUGHS
0:07:31 > 0:07:33I'm going to suck you dry!
0:07:35 > 0:07:38APPLAUSE
0:07:41 > 0:07:45Some hilarious kids stories in the news. Did you hear about this?
0:07:45 > 0:07:49Calls for children as young as five to be taught about pornography.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Yeah, that makes sense, doesn't it?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Country is in recession, millions are unemployed.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56"We need to teach toddlers about rimming!"
0:07:56 > 0:07:57LAUGHTER
0:07:57 > 0:08:00How are they going to teach that? "Hey, kids!"
0:08:00 > 0:08:04# Old MacDonald had a gimp E-I-E-I...
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- # Oh-h-h-h! # - LAUGHTER
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Jack and Jill went up the hill To do a bit of snogging
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Jill opened her eyes To her surprise
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Jack had taken her dogging!
0:08:14 > 0:08:17LAUGHTER
0:08:17 > 0:08:19It's SO creepy!
0:08:19 > 0:08:23"Look, kids, Daddy is parking his tractor in Mummy's hairy garage!
0:08:25 > 0:08:30"Do you have any questions?" "Yeah, can I close my fuckin' eyes?!"
0:08:30 > 0:08:32LAUGHTER
0:08:32 > 0:08:34They'll be walking around the playground like this -
0:08:34 > 0:08:38"I've seen things, man.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41"There were these two girls, this cup..."
0:08:41 > 0:08:43LAUGHTER
0:08:43 > 0:08:44It's ridiculous.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Apparently they are doing it to make sure kids aren't afraid of porn.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49You're like, what?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Kids aren't afraid of porn.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53They've got bigger things to worry about, like Hoovers.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Atchoo! BABY GIGGLES
0:08:56 > 0:08:58HOOVER BLASTS
0:08:58 > 0:09:00LAUGHTER
0:09:00 > 0:09:03They're not fussed about pornography.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Some of them are still baffled by food. Did you hear about this?
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Research by the British Nutrition Foundation suggests
0:09:09 > 0:09:12that almost a third of primary school children in the UK
0:09:12 > 0:09:15think that cheese comes from plants.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18One in five say fish fingers are made out of chicken.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20LAUGHTER
0:09:20 > 0:09:23That must have been such a beautiful moment.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26"What are these FISH fingers made from?"
0:09:26 > 0:09:28"Chicken."
0:09:29 > 0:09:33"Right, let's go again, shall we?" "All right, Mum. Yeah, fine, let's go again."
0:09:33 > 0:09:36"Where do blackberries come from?" "Erm, Carphone Warehouse?"
0:09:36 > 0:09:38LAUGHTER
0:09:40 > 0:09:43"Am I close?!"
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Did you see any of the answers? They're amazing.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50LAUGHTER
0:09:53 > 0:09:55LAUGHTER
0:09:57 > 0:10:00One kid even thought pasta was a hat!
0:10:00 > 0:10:03LAUGHTER
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Mind you, it is pretty rich of adults to mock kids about food.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08"Silly children, don't know what they're eating."
0:10:08 > 0:10:11We've been eating horse lasagne for years!
0:10:11 > 0:10:14"Stupid little children! Nom-nom-nom-nom!
0:10:14 > 0:10:15"Why have I grown hooves?"
0:10:17 > 0:10:19I kind of feel sorry for the kids.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Some reporters were even trying to catch them out live on air.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24But this little legend was having none of it.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28- Can you tell me what fish fingers are made from?- Breadcrumbs and fish.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31"It's pretty obvious, you dozy tart."
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Wouldn't you have loved it if he went,
0:10:35 > 0:10:37"Oh, yeah, one more thing. There you go."
0:10:38 > 0:10:41"Put breadcrumbs on that."
0:10:41 > 0:10:45But that isn't the craziest story about kids and food.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47REPORT: This is the scene of the crime.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51The woman who lives here called police about her Pop Tarts.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54She didn't just call the police, look what she did next.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58She had her 13-year-old son jailed for stealing her Pop Tarts.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Or, as this reporter put it...
0:11:02 > 0:11:04She fingered her own son.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07LAUGHTER
0:11:07 > 0:11:10APPLAUSE
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Christ! No wonder he nicked her Pop Tarts! That is a strict mum!
0:11:18 > 0:11:21If I stole food when I was little, I got a telling-off.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23I never got fisted!
0:11:23 > 0:11:26LAUGHTER
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Do you know the weirdest thing?
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Apparently, the dance troupe, Attraction
0:11:30 > 0:11:33have already worked it into their new routine.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41HE SCREAMS
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Next up, oh, there's been some cracking stories
0:11:50 > 0:11:51from Australia in the news.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55First of all, a beer drinker is being treated like a king
0:11:55 > 0:11:56after writing a letter to a company
0:11:56 > 0:11:59complaining about their new low-alcohol brand.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03REPORT: Brendan is a big man with a big thirst and a big complaint.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06His favourite drop has left a bad taste in his mouth.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08It was a top drink until they changed it.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11And when they changed it, it tasted like crap.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14"Tasted like a dingo's ball bag!"
0:12:15 > 0:12:18So, did he write them a gentle letter critiquing the new taste?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Nope. Here's the letter he wrote.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39The best thing - that letter actually worked.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41We apologise, we got it wrong.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44But we've listened to you and we're now going back
0:12:44 > 0:12:48to the original full-strength, full flavour, at 4.9%.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Moral of the story, if you're not happy, swear like fuck!
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Not that it's the craziest letter Down Under.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Check out the fan mail that Paul Henry read out
0:12:58 > 0:13:00at the Kiwi version of the BAFTAs.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03This is possibly the greatest acceptance speech
0:13:03 > 0:13:05I've ever seen in my life.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08These are the words of a very, very passionate fan,
0:13:08 > 0:13:10and so you'll have to...
0:13:10 > 0:13:13You'll have to read between the lines.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17"Paul Henry, you're the most insulting little self-conceited
0:13:17 > 0:13:19"little mongrel prick on TV."
0:13:21 > 0:13:24"I would love Susan Boyle to shit on your ugly face..."
0:13:24 > 0:13:26LAUGHTER
0:13:26 > 0:13:28"..Pamela Anderson to give you AIDS,
0:13:28 > 0:13:30"David Hasselhoff to punch you on the nose,
0:13:30 > 0:13:32"preferably before Susan shits on you."
0:13:32 > 0:13:36LAUGHTER
0:13:36 > 0:13:39And the writer, and I can't credit him or her,
0:13:39 > 0:13:42because they haven't put their name on this letter,
0:13:42 > 0:13:45ends with the, I think, quite memorable line,
0:13:45 > 0:13:47"You fucking poofter..."
0:13:49 > 0:13:51"..pommy mongrel prick."
0:13:52 > 0:13:53- "Die, you- (BLEEP)."
0:13:53 > 0:13:55LAUGHTER
0:13:55 > 0:13:58APPLAUSE
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Now, from anger to loneliness.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Have a look at what this bloke did when his best friend moved away.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08But not only that.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12Not only did he go online, he also did an amazing interview on telly,
0:14:12 > 0:14:14explaining the key skills he requires in a best mate.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17One of your requirements is knowing the peacock dance.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19What is the peacock dance?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23It's a dance that just confuses women in the club.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25It sort of just sedates them.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28They don't know what happened, and then you swoop in and talk to them.
0:14:32 > 0:14:33Pretty sure that's Rohypnol.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38So you're probably thinking, "I doubt he did the dance on telly".
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Guess again.
0:14:39 > 0:14:44The peacock dance goes a little bit like this...?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Well, he does it like this.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Oh, yeah!
0:14:55 > 0:14:59How is that dance going to impress women?
0:15:04 > 0:15:08"Do you feel sedated?" "No, you're the one who needs sedating".
0:15:09 > 0:15:13The only people that is going to impress are pigeons - just outside.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16"Who's the fucking mover?"
0:15:20 > 0:15:22"I'll tell you what, Maureen..."
0:15:27 > 0:15:29"I'd let him give me a liquid arse."
0:15:36 > 0:15:38To be honest, he might be better off alone.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Some mates can be real arseholes.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43You can be looking on Facebook, and from nowhere,
0:15:43 > 0:15:44someone does this to you.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47STUDIO AUDIENCE: Oh!
0:15:51 > 0:15:56That is the cruellest, and yet poshest prank ever.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01"Hey, let's get Joshua in the spuds with a champagne cork!"
0:16:01 > 0:16:04"Oh, Bunty, you are the living end!"
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Thwop!
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Now, while we're here, there might be lonely people in England,
0:16:10 > 0:16:12not just Australia.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13If there's anyone out there,
0:16:13 > 0:16:17and you're looking for a new best mate, I've got just the person.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:16:19 > 0:16:22I'm going to suck you dry!
0:16:28 > 0:16:30This is the part of the show I know nothing about.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32There'll be a mystery guest who's been in the news,
0:16:32 > 0:16:37and I have to figure out who that person is. So, please welcome my mystery guest.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40APPLAUSE
0:16:48 > 0:16:52- Hello! Nice to meet you. Hello, madam. What's your name?- Christine.
0:16:52 > 0:16:57- I'm Mike.- Nice to meet you. So, can I sit down here?- Yes.
0:16:57 > 0:17:03- I imagine it's got something to do with balloons.- Yes.- And parties.
0:17:03 > 0:17:08- Yes.- Do you gatecrash kids' parties and steal their goods?
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Oh, I'd love to. I would.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15If you could nick anything from a child, what would you nick?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- Chocolate.- Nice! You didn't even think for a second.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21"Chocolate", straight away.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Shall we tell you our names?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25That might give you a little bit of a clue.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28- Oh, your stage names? - Yes. I am Twistina.
0:17:28 > 0:17:33- Twistina. And you, my friend? - Twistopher.- Twistopher?- Yeah.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Could I join your troupe as...
0:17:35 > 0:17:38I was going to say Bender, but that seems wrong.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- Yes!- I could be Bender?- Yes.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Twistopher and Bender.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48You have to help me out. Why have you been in the news this week?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50We make balloon models for the rich and famous.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- We have something. - You've got something there?
0:18:00 > 0:18:03As we said, it's not just children.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04We do lots of dos for all age groups.
0:18:04 > 0:18:09Weddings, students, university balls, dinners.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Alien hitchhiker.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13That is an alien hitchhiker. Very nice.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16If I was at a student ball and it was about three in the morning
0:18:16 > 0:18:20and I was pissed and on many drugs, that would terrify me.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24- This is a bow and arrow.- Oh, I see.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28These are good at three in the morning when you've had a few beers.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31- You said this is a bow and arrow?- Yeah.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36That sounds like a hastily-constructed alibi, doesn't it?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38"It's a bow and arrow! What are you talking about?
0:18:38 > 0:18:41"I've been dressing up as Goldilocks
0:18:41 > 0:18:43"and trying to shag myself."
0:18:47 > 0:18:49"Too warm!"
0:18:50 > 0:18:52"Too salty!"
0:18:54 > 0:18:57"Just right."
0:18:59 > 0:19:00What have we got here, then? Who's this?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Can you guess?
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Who's that? Who is it? Can anyone guess?
0:19:05 > 0:19:06AUDIENCE: You!
0:19:06 > 0:19:07It can't be me.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10The eyes are facing the right way.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Why is my hair receding?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Are we going to have any balloon-based fun?
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- I think we will, yes. - I look forward to that. Great.
0:19:27 > 0:19:28So here we are.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31What are we going to do?
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Right. Are you ready to blow some balloons?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35I was born ready to blow balloons.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Right, so, what we're going to do is,
0:19:38 > 0:19:42I am going to show you how to make an octopus.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47- OK.- I'll show you how to use the pump.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Hold the nozzle on, because if you don't, it'll shoot off.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09I felt like a really turned-on Smurf then.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Do you want to see an outtake from Shrek?
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Oh!
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Right, so you want four balloons.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- Yep.- And I'll have four as well.
0:20:30 > 0:20:35And what you want to do is gather them all up. Then give them a twist.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Grab your tentacles and bring them all together.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52And then you've got to make sort of a little bubble on the top.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54- That's going to be the head.- Yeah.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01And twist that around.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- Can you twist it for me? - I can, yeah.
0:21:07 > 0:21:13Squeeze it in, and...twist!
0:21:13 > 0:21:17That's it. OK.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19I feel like one of God's crap helpers.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26Ladies and gentlemen, check out these octopus balloons!
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Please give it up for my mystery guests!
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Stop whatever you're doing.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Apparently, scientists have discovered the reason
0:21:42 > 0:21:44that some men get more sex than others.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46If ever there was an excuse for getting out of housework,
0:21:46 > 0:21:49this is it, gentlemen.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53Researchers found that men who do traditional female chores
0:21:53 > 0:21:59have less sex than those who stick to more masculine tasks.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01Well, if that's true,
0:22:01 > 0:22:04this bloke must be beating them off with a shitty stick.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Tell you what, how picky are women?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11"Why don't you fancy him?" "Well, he's good-looking,
0:22:11 > 0:22:16"clever, charming and kind, but apparently, he likes to hoover."
0:22:17 > 0:22:20"What a nasty bastard. Why can't I have a normal bloke
0:22:20 > 0:22:22"that slaps me about and puts up a shelf?"
0:22:23 > 0:22:27"Why can't I have a normal bloke like that? Why not?"
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Let's be honest, this story is bollocks.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Mowing the lawn does not make you look sexy.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Did that do anything for you, ladies?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Watch him mow that goddamn lawn!
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Staying in the world of love, did you hear about this?
0:22:58 > 0:23:01According to a police report, a man and woman were attacked
0:23:01 > 0:23:04by a man with a large knife at Craighead Forest Park.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08While the young woman ran off, the man, 26-year-old Tyler Siegel,
0:23:08 > 0:23:12- stayed back to fight the attacker. - Tyler Siegel, you are a hero,
0:23:12 > 0:23:15protecting your date from a near-death experience.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17I take my cap off to you, sir.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Turns out Siegel asked his friend to attack them
0:23:20 > 0:23:22so he could impress the girl.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Tyler Siegel, you are a dick!
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Give me back my cap.
0:23:28 > 0:23:33That must have been the most ridiculous mugging ever.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37"Give me all your money, Tyler!" "How do you know my name?"
0:23:37 > 0:23:41"I've known you all my life!" "He's been stalking me for ever!"
0:23:41 > 0:23:44"What's wrong with you, Dave? We fucking rehearsed this."
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Mind you, if you think faking a mugging is bad,
0:23:47 > 0:23:50have a look at what happened to this bloke in Florida.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05Who answers the door with a Taser in their hand? Poor sod.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- "Will you marry me?" - HE IMITATES TASER
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Apparently, she put so much electricity through him,
0:24:12 > 0:24:13she gave him a...
0:24:13 > 0:24:14Liquid ass.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17But what I don't get - and I'm sure you're the same -
0:24:17 > 0:24:19he loves her enough to strip off,
0:24:19 > 0:24:22but not enough to know where she lives?
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Surely the first thing you do
0:24:26 > 0:24:29if you're going to knock on someone's door naked -
0:24:29 > 0:24:31check it's the right house!
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Actually, second thing. First thing, just give it a stretch.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39Just tease it out. Make sure it's at its fighting weight,
0:24:39 > 0:24:42you know what I mean? Heavy, not hard.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48This joke's mainly for the fellas.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50I doubt ladies have that similar thing.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53"I'm going out with Barry tonight, just give it a bit of a wiggle."
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Mind you, I wish I'd seen it.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Is there anything greater than the noise someone makes
0:25:00 > 0:25:01when they're Tasered?
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Taser, Taser!
0:25:03 > 0:25:05HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Aaagh!
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Do you know the oddest thing about this story?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Apparently, the dance troupe Attraction...
0:25:23 > 0:25:25..have already worked it into their routine.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Now an inspirational story about a woman called Claire Lomas.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03The London Marathon last year.
0:26:03 > 0:26:09Claire Lomas completed it in a robotic suit. It took her 17 days.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11You know, the marathon was a great experience.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13I actually had really good fun.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16The walking was hard and challenging, but the people made it.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19When you've got a good group of people and you're exercising,
0:26:19 > 0:26:20you just feel good for it.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Claire was left paralysed from the waist down
0:26:24 > 0:26:27after a riding accident five years ago.
0:26:27 > 0:26:32After my accident, I felt like every door had been slammed in my face.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35I certainly did feel at rock bottom. Some days...
0:26:35 > 0:26:38I was always active. I never sat down. And suddenly I'm told,
0:26:38 > 0:26:41"You're going to spend the rest of your life in a wheelchair."
0:26:41 > 0:26:44I'm like, "I don't know if I can live like this."
0:26:44 > 0:26:46It is so much to get your head around.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53It's a feat of endurance that would get the better of most of us,
0:26:53 > 0:26:57so for Claire Lomas, the achievement is all the more incredible.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Today she finished a 400 mile charity bike ride.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03The 33-year-old is raising money for spinal research.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07She's travelled 400 miles on arm power alone.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11She started in Nottingham,
0:27:11 > 0:27:14and did the equivalent of around 16 marathons.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18She even managed to stop off at schools on the way.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22She's an extraordinary lady, and a true inspiration to all of us,
0:27:22 > 0:27:23or should be.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28She wants to spread the word that whatever happens to you,
0:27:28 > 0:27:30there is always hope.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33How lovely is that?
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Thanks very much for watching Good News.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Farewell. Good night. Sleep well!
0:28:02 > 0:28:06Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd