0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
0:00:22 > 0:00:25CHEERING
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Thank you very much. Thank you.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Thank you very much.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Thank you. All right!
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Hello and welcome to Good News.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36These are some of my best bits. Hope you enjoy.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Here's a tip. If you're doing an interview, watch what you lean on.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44THEY SPEAK DUTCH
0:00:49 > 0:00:53Is it me, or does this lady really like planes?
0:00:53 > 0:00:55I can hear all the aeroplanes from my house.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Oooh!
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Mmmm-mmm-mm!
0:01:04 > 0:01:08Over at BBC Politics, someone did a shit in Andrew Neil's mug.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14I tell you what, Susannah Reid's really changed
0:01:14 > 0:01:16since she went to ITV.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19This is you as an all-American.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21And a big opportunity for you in Hollywood.
0:01:21 > 0:01:26You must have had to beat off a lot of American men to get this part.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28HE GIGGLES
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Why does that make you giggle?
0:01:30 > 0:01:34Did you not have to beat them off?
0:01:34 > 0:01:37And finally, did you hear how Andrew Marr felt after watching
0:01:37 > 0:01:40the new series of Orange Is The New Black?
0:01:40 > 0:01:41Very wet.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45So what's been going on?
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Well, the big political news was Ukip's victory
0:01:48 > 0:01:49in the Rochester by-election.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Ukip has its second Westminster MP
0:01:51 > 0:01:55after it won the Rochester & Strood by-election.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Mark Reckless took 16,867 votes.
0:01:59 > 0:02:05Mark Reckless, second Tory defector turned Ukip MP, was big news.
0:02:05 > 0:02:06I'm going for a pint.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Who is this Mark Reckless?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Who is this dangerous renegade,
0:02:11 > 0:02:13this maverick who's tearing Westminster apart?
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Christ, he sounds so dynamic. I wonder how he celebrated?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Nigel went down the pub last night to celebrate.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22How did you celebrate? Did you get any sleep at all?
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Uh, I had an orange juice.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29- NERDY VOICE:- "I had an orange juice!
0:02:29 > 0:02:32"Later on I had a Ribena.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36"Reckless by name, reckless by nature!
0:02:36 > 0:02:39"Shut up, shut up.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43"No, shut your mouth. I bloody stayed up till 11.30, I did!
0:02:44 > 0:02:48"I'm bloody bonkers, I am. I'm absolutely mad!"
0:02:48 > 0:02:51How did he get elected?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53He's the most nervous man I've ever seen.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- Er, thanks for all your help. - That's OK.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Great to have you, great to have you on board.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59- Thank you. - RECKLESS CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY
0:02:59 > 0:03:03We'll get on with the day. Thank you, guys. Huhh...
0:03:05 > 0:03:07"Thanks, uh... Thanks, guys, uh..."
0:03:07 > 0:03:10He sounds like he's having a mini orgasm.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11You can't have him as an MP.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Imagine him making speeches.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15"We'll, uh...
0:03:15 > 0:03:17"fight them, uhhhh...
0:03:17 > 0:03:20"on the beaches, brrruuuhhh!
0:03:20 > 0:03:23"Has anyone got any Tropicana?"
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Mind you, it's easy to see why he defected to Ukip.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30I mean, the signs were always there.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35On that note, if you're going to have right wing policies,
0:03:35 > 0:03:37careful where you put the mic, Nigel.
0:03:44 > 0:03:50Have you seen the latest disease tearing through America?
0:03:50 > 0:03:52We've been hearing a lot about Ebola.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55But we just found out about a new health threat
0:03:55 > 0:03:58that's already infected nearly half the population.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00It's called the stupidity virus.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03That's right...
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - That's right.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10Half the population of America is stupid.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Half! That's like 78%.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20That was great. These people, "I don't know..."
0:04:22 > 0:04:23This isn't a spoof.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Apparently, America is dealing with a stupidity virus.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Fair to say, they haven't taken the news well.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33It's very scary. I hope they come up with
0:04:33 > 0:04:35some kind of vaccine so they can cure it.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42If only there was somewhere they could go to cure themselves
0:04:42 > 0:04:43of this dreaded disease!
0:04:48 > 0:04:49A stupidity virus!
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Do you reckon Bob Geldof's going to do a song for them?
0:04:52 > 0:04:53Wouldn't that be great?
0:04:53 > 0:04:56# Read some books
0:04:56 > 0:05:00# Stop them being stupid fucks
0:05:00 > 0:05:03# And read some books
0:05:03 > 0:05:06# Teach them to say aluminium properly. #
0:05:06 > 0:05:09CHEERING
0:05:12 > 0:05:14"A-loo-min-um!" It's not a-loo-min-um.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Mind you, it's too late for some of them.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Some people are already riddled with stupid.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Check out the answer this man gives
0:05:20 > 0:05:23on America's version of Family Fortunes.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Tell me the man's name that starts with the letter K.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Kentucky Fried Chicken.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39His brother Nando's couldn't believe it.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42In political news, it's been a bad week for Ed Miliband.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46Ed Miliband's approval rating has hit an all-time low,
0:05:46 > 0:05:48with a poll suggesting the Labour leader
0:05:48 > 0:05:50is now less popular than Nick Clegg.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54Poor Ed Miliband. Even members of his own party had a pop.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Ed Miliband is not George Clooney
0:05:56 > 0:05:59and he's not going to bring us millions of voters.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01You're telling me, he's not George Clooney.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Every photo, he looks like he's sneezing
0:06:03 > 0:06:05and cumming at the same time.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10HE MOANS
0:06:10 > 0:06:12HE SPLUTTERS
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Check out what a think tank in Sweden is campaigning for.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29They've invited people to come up with a name for female masturbation.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31These guys are already on it.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34- Play the trumpet. - Bombs in the garden.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35The widening of the A453.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37- Prawn linguini.- Line dancing.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39- Piston stuffing.- Coma in a bottle.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- Dickering around. - The handling of bushmeat.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44- Banana split.- Climbing the stairs.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- Fiddling with the controls. - Holding a kitten.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48- The fish twitcher.- Drilling for oil.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- Cutting concrete.- Rat-running. - Thigh-slapping.- Dribble, dribble.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- Ribbon cutting.- Get a wiggle on.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55D'you know what a wormhole is?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57HE LAUGHS
0:06:57 > 0:06:59That's Stayty all over.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Did you hear about the scandal at Claridge's?
0:07:04 > 0:07:0740 mothers have staged a mass nurse-in protest
0:07:07 > 0:07:09outside Claridge's Hotel in London...
0:07:09 > 0:07:12..to protest over an incident in which a woman was asked to
0:07:12 > 0:07:14cover herself up when she was breast-feeding in the restaurant.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Mothers were breast-feeding on the pavements here
0:07:17 > 0:07:19outside Claridge's Hotel.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21They're nipples, they're not weapons!
0:07:23 > 0:07:27It wasn't just the mums who were angry. Some of the kids were livid.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33It's so pathetic! If you're offended by a woman breast-feeding,
0:07:33 > 0:07:36here's a tip. Don't fucking look!
0:07:37 > 0:07:40"Oh, look, there's a woman with her breasts out, how awful!"
0:07:44 > 0:07:45"How absolutely awful!"
0:07:49 > 0:07:52"Ohhh, Mother!"
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Do you know what I'd do, if I was one of the mums?
0:07:55 > 0:07:58I'd go to Claridge's and breast-feed my kid wearing this hat.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04That's what you do!
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Did you hear about word of the year?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10The word of the year has been announced. It's photobomb.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13It's defined as intruding into the background of a photograph
0:08:13 > 0:08:15without a subject's knowledge.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Photobomb is the word of the year, so in honour of that,
0:08:17 > 0:08:20here are my all-time favourites. At number 3, this squirrel.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Number 2, this camel.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29But my all-time favourite is this little girl's arm.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Next up, this is brilliant.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Well, that is going to change first dates.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49So nice to finally meet you.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Lovely to meet you. To a wonderful evening.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53There we go.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Mmm! Oh, the food's arrived!
0:08:55 > 0:09:01Thanks very much. I'm actually... on a new diet. Yeah.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05- HE YELPS - Dinner! Dinner! Dinner!
0:09:05 > 0:09:07# In my hair!
0:09:07 > 0:09:09# In your face!
0:09:09 > 0:09:12# Dinner over there!
0:09:12 > 0:09:14# Drinky-poo!
0:09:14 > 0:09:17# Have some more!
0:09:17 > 0:09:19# Dinner! #
0:09:19 > 0:09:20I want to complain!
0:09:20 > 0:09:23- I'm sorry about that man, sir. - No, not him.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27There's a woman breast-feeding over there!
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Next up, have you seen the latest way the Irish government
0:09:32 > 0:09:34is trying to crack down on speeding?
0:09:34 > 0:09:38This shocking advert has been banned from appearing on television
0:09:38 > 0:09:41until after the nine o'clock watershed.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45# Now and then when I see her face
0:09:45 > 0:09:50# She takes me away to that special place
0:09:50 > 0:09:52# And if I stay too long
0:09:52 > 0:09:57# I'd probably break down and cry... #
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Shocking ad? That doesn't look shocking.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04Nothing shocks me. I've seen everything.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07# Oooohh
0:10:07 > 0:10:09# Sweet child of mine... #
0:10:15 > 0:10:18HE ROARS IN TERROR
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Aaaaaagggggh!
0:10:24 > 0:10:27HE BURBLES
0:10:29 > 0:10:32HE SHRIEKS
0:10:33 > 0:10:36HE BURBLES AND SHRIEKS
0:10:38 > 0:10:42That is not how you reduce class sizes!
0:10:42 > 0:10:44That was on telly!
0:10:44 > 0:10:47It's terrifying! That is an actual advert.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Who made that and went, "Yeah, that's fine"?
0:10:51 > 0:10:53That doesn't stop dangerous driving,
0:10:53 > 0:10:57it just freaks kids out about field trips.
0:10:57 > 0:11:02"Come on, let's collect some tadpoles." "Noooooo!"
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Now, have you seen what's happening in America with yoga?
0:11:07 > 0:11:11This looks like any yoga studio in any American city.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Grow taller on your next inhale.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16But there's one key difference.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Everyone in this yoga class is high on marijuana.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25People are getting stoned and doing yoga. How?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27When you smoke a joint, you don't want to exercise,
0:11:27 > 0:11:29you're too busy giggling at anything.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Oi, oi!
0:11:32 > 0:11:36Do you reckon people who play the trombone are called boners?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Either that, or you come up with insane ideas.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Hey! Let's feed some bread to the toilet duck!
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Let's fill the dishwasher with Radox and chill out the spoons.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03Stoner yoga. Do you really want to be flexible AND paranoid?
0:12:03 > 0:12:05My arms are so bendy!
0:12:05 > 0:12:08I feel like a lava lamp!
0:12:10 > 0:12:13What next? Smack badminton? Bums, tums and ketamine?
0:12:14 > 0:12:17It's a slippery slope. If you start with yoga and marijuana,
0:12:17 > 0:12:18how long before gyms look like this?
0:12:20 > 0:12:24Hi! I'm Jim Drug and I run Jim Drug's Drug Gym!
0:12:24 > 0:12:26We've got it all!
0:12:26 > 0:12:27Viagra!
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Hallucinogenics!
0:12:32 > 0:12:34The treadmill told me to kill a man!
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Steroids!
0:12:35 > 0:12:39No-one's going to steal your handbag, right, Grandma?
0:12:39 > 0:12:40Oooh!
0:12:40 > 0:12:43I lost 20 stone.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45What's your secret?
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Heroin.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49So come on down!
0:12:49 > 0:12:51I'm a healer and a dealer.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54- I'll give you a handjob for 20 quid? - Not now.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Stop whatever you're doing.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Forget about Ebola, forget about Isis. I bring ground-breaking news!
0:13:04 > 0:13:08There's now only 480 clowns left in the UK.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10You know how many that is?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13That's two 240s, you son of a bitch.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Well, dry your tears, because I have done something about this.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20I, Russell Howard, have actually, out of my own pocket,
0:13:20 > 0:13:22set up a sanctuary for clowns,
0:13:22 > 0:13:26where they can frolic, they can breed and they can relax.
0:13:26 > 0:13:31And I'm told we can actually go live to the clown sanctuary now.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34CIRCUS MUSIC
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Shit!
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Over at BBC Breakfast, I think Bill and Naga took ketamine.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13THEY MUMBLE INCOHERENTLY
0:14:16 > 0:14:19That's nothing. I'm pretty sure the guys at Look North dropped acid.
0:14:19 > 0:14:25INDIAN DRUMS PLAY
0:14:25 > 0:14:29Is it me or is Diane Abbot really bad at hide and seek?
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Diane Abbott, very nice talking to you, thanks for joining us.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36So, more reaction from Scotland and from Westminster
0:14:36 > 0:14:40and from around the country coming up shortly, so do stay with us.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43I tell you what, I've seen a lot of news but this is definitely
0:14:43 > 0:14:46the most awkward ending to a report I've ever seen,
0:14:46 > 0:14:49We're very clear that everybody needs the NHS
0:14:49 > 0:14:53- unless you're super, super, rich, and you can...- Thank you. Thank you.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Well, we'll bring you the events that happen here
0:14:55 > 0:14:59later on this aft...evening at the 10.15 no...news.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05The poor bloke got a lot of stick online.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Luckily for him, I found the greatest way
0:15:07 > 0:15:09to deal with abuse, ever.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Hi, I'm sorry, I didn't see you there.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13I was too busy, mm, blocking out the haters.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16If people are giving you shit,
0:15:16 > 0:15:19all you need is a couple of plastic spoons.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21The big royal news was this:
0:15:21 > 0:15:25Katy Perry, Lady Gaga and Rihanna - they're all queens of Twitter,
0:15:25 > 0:15:29with more than 138 million followers between them.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Well, now, there's a new queen on the block -
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, has sent her first tweet.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37The Queen's on Twitter! How great is that?
0:15:37 > 0:15:39CHEERING
0:15:39 > 0:15:43@Charles: I'm thinking of abdicating the throne.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46#Onlyjokingjugears.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Dear followers, when I can't be bothered to do my hair
0:15:51 > 0:15:53in the morning, I just do this:
0:15:53 > 0:15:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Not that everyone was as pleased as me that the Queen was on Twitter.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11SHOCKED LAUGHTER
0:16:11 > 0:16:12Poor Liz!
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Still, I think we all know how she should deal with this.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't see you there.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21I was too busy, mmm, blocking out the haters.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:26 > 0:16:30- APPLAUSE - Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only, John Simpson.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31Thank you very much for coming.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37You're a very dapper chap, if you don't mind me saying.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41- There's no answer to that, is there? - There absolutely isn't. You've just got to...- Dapper?
0:16:41 > 0:16:44I mean, couldn't you find some better word than "dapper", for god's sake?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47You're a horny, horny son of a bitch.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Now, what do you think makes a good politician?
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Well, most people would say it's the ability to talk.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58I think it's the ability to listen.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00To genuinely listen,
0:17:00 > 0:17:03not just do what you're doing now, which is, like,
0:17:03 > 0:17:06saying "ooh" and sort of pretending.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Thinking of the next thing you're going to say.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11APPLAUSE
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Guilty.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15You're absolutely right. My dad says that.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19You don't listen, you're just waiting for gaps to take the piss.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22What was it like, dissecting a mammoth? What's that like?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24It was extraordinary.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26I can't, I think it was, they kept using the word "emotional",
0:17:26 > 0:17:28and it was emotional because, you know,
0:17:28 > 0:17:32you're looking at something which has been dead for 40,000 years,
0:17:32 > 0:17:36and yet somehow it remained frozen. So it didn't fossilize.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39It looked and smelled like it had died
0:17:39 > 0:17:40maybe only a week or so earlier.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Do you think the make-up girls who deal with Bruce Forsyth
0:17:43 > 0:17:45go through a similar kind of...
0:17:47 > 0:17:50The one thing I love about Sunday league is
0:17:50 > 0:17:52celebrations are still the same.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54If you score a goal in the Premier League,
0:17:54 > 0:17:56you go as crazy as you do in the Sunday league.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59But this is one of my favourite celebrations ever. Have you seen
0:17:59 > 0:18:01this? You'll love this. Have a look at this.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Scores the goal, pretty happy.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10What's he going to do now? What's he going to do?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12This is what he's going to do.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17LAUGHTER
0:18:18 > 0:18:20I love it. You can see him going,
0:18:20 > 0:18:22"I'm going to do it! I'm going to do it! I'm going to do it now!"
0:18:22 > 0:18:24See if you can guess what happens next.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26See if you can guess. What do you think?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- I don't know.- Have a look.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:37 > 0:18:41Are there any animals you think, "Ah, what's the point"?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44LAUGHTER There are...they do all have a purpose, even the wee things that...
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- RUSSELL WHISPERING: - There must be one.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Head lice are not very pleasant, are they?
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Or leeches, leeches.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54- Leeches.- It didn't happen to me, but I was sitting...
0:18:54 > 0:18:58Did it happen to a friend? Did it happen to a friend? Yeah, yeah.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01I was sitting with a friend at dinner, and we were just eating away,
0:19:01 > 0:19:04and I looked across and there was this, this...
0:19:04 > 0:19:06it was like a black snot hanging from his nose, really.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08THE AUDIENCE GROAN
0:19:08 > 0:19:11He looked up and it went back up again.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13I was looking at it, thinking, "What is this?"
0:19:13 > 0:19:17And I looked again and, yes, there was a leech had gone up his nose.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20And the great thing is that, these things, you can't feel them at all.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23You know, when they bite you, they've got an anti-coagulant.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Anyway, this thing eventually reinticed it down.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28LAUGHTER
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Oh, that's such a beautiful image. I have an image of you
0:19:31 > 0:19:32dressed as a lady slug, just...
0:19:32 > 0:19:34LAUGHTER
0:19:34 > 0:19:38- SINGS:- I'm a lady leech and I've got some lady ass.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41LAUGHTER
0:19:41 > 0:19:44As we're getting on...
0:19:44 > 0:19:46I'm going to risk this question.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Have you ever drunk from your leg?
0:19:49 > 0:19:51I knew it. You have!
0:19:51 > 0:19:53- Many a time.- Many a time?- Yeah.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Do you fancy...
0:19:55 > 0:19:58having a drink from your leg, we'll have a drink from your leg now?
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- Let's do it.- Do you?! Oh, amazing.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03- Luckily...- Ah!
0:20:03 > 0:20:06I've got some premium pale ale.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10What's your favourite animal to watch make love?
0:20:10 > 0:20:12- Eh, humans, probably. - Humans, oh, right!
0:20:12 > 0:20:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:23 > 0:20:28- Do you want a sip?- Yeah.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29Oh, nice!
0:20:29 > 0:20:31CHEERING
0:20:34 > 0:20:37A really great story about you and Osama Bin Laden.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39This is absolutely wonderful.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Yeah, I think you've got to explain, though - that sounds a bit strange,
0:20:42 > 0:20:44doesn't it? Me and Osama Bin Laden. What?
0:20:44 > 0:20:46We used to be an item.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Maybe that's why he got so cross.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51If you'd put out, maybe we'd be fine.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- Why have you got to be so frigid? - Why shouldn't he put out?- Yeah.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Well, it wasn't about that.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00What I read, specifically, is that you made him cry. Is that right?
0:21:00 > 0:21:02- Osama Bin Laden?- Oh, I did, yeah. I'd forgotten about that.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04How does one go about making...
0:21:04 > 0:21:06- Well...- ..one of the most evil men in the world cry?
0:21:06 > 0:21:08- He wasn't hurt.- Yeah.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10- I didn't hurt his feelings.- OK.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12He cried out of frustration.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Deep frustration, because, uh,
0:21:15 > 0:21:19he'd paid a truck driver 500...
0:21:20 > 0:21:24to come and drive over me and my crew.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28- We were filming in a place where he was.- Yeah.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30And I was a bit insulted.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33I mean, 500 bucks,
0:21:33 > 0:21:36I'd have paid more myself for that, you know.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39That is a wonderful response to a death threat, isn't it?
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- LAUGHTER - "£500? I'm a £1,000 man."
0:21:42 > 0:21:45- Exactly right.- "£500? That's two £250, you son of a bitch."
0:21:45 > 0:21:46LAUGHTER
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- I don't step out of the door for less than five figures.- Absolutely.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51But, we, uh...
0:21:51 > 0:21:54No, he...and this guy refused,
0:21:54 > 0:21:58and, in the end, poor old Osama didn't get what he wanted
0:21:58 > 0:22:00and he went and lay down on his bed.
0:22:00 > 0:22:05And we followed him in there and he was beating the pillow and weeping.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08You should write a poem, just write a poem about the news.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10That would be fun, wouldn't it?
0:22:10 > 0:22:13- It sort of depends on what day you write it on, mate.- It does.- You know.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Benjamin Zephaniah,
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Vladimir Putin is a liar.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Seems to me the world's a farce,
0:22:21 > 0:22:23obsessed with Kim Kardashian's arse.
0:22:23 > 0:22:28Switch on the telly, there's news that will amuse,
0:22:28 > 0:22:29make you cry or sob.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Taking the piss? That's my job.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33APPLAUSE
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Over at BBC News,
0:22:41 > 0:22:45I'm pretty sure Tim Wilcox forgot this reporter's name.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48MUMBLES NONSENSE This report from...
0:22:48 > 0:22:49LAUGHTER
0:22:49 > 0:22:54Is it me, or is this guy on the left the happiest man in the world?
0:22:54 > 0:22:58SHE RAPS: Wrote a nice spin on my purpose. You know bad boys...
0:22:58 > 0:22:59LAUGHTER
0:22:59 > 0:23:04My award for least dignified exit of the week goes to this guy.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:23:12 > 0:23:16Is it me or is Hugh Bonneville on heat?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18HE MOOS LIKE A COW
0:23:18 > 0:23:22And, finally, this has to be the worst start to a race ever.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26So get ready, on your marks, get set, jump.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28'On your marks.'
0:23:28 > 0:23:30- 'Wait until you're called.'- Go!
0:23:32 > 0:23:35STARTING PISTOL GOES OFF
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Have a look at this.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39A pub in rural Ireland has been rebuilt after a fire.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43Some locals in a tiny village in Ireland have their pub back.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45How great is that?
0:23:45 > 0:23:47I wonder what the locals thought of it?
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Dan, what does the reopening of the pub mean to you?
0:23:50 > 0:23:54- INDISTINCT SPEECH - It means a pint because...last two years.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59LAUGHTER
0:23:59 > 0:24:00No idea.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05Luckily, his mate was on hand to clear it up.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08What does the reopening of the pub mean to you?
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- SEEMINGLY SPEAKS NONSENSE - Well, we had the...
0:24:11 > 0:24:13LAUGHTER
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Exactly.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22You heard him.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24What does the pub mean to you?
0:24:24 > 0:24:26BLABBERS INCOHERENTLY
0:24:27 > 0:24:31It's incredible, and what just when you think it can't get stranger,
0:24:31 > 0:24:33look what one of them pulls out of a bag.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35LAUGHTER
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Check out what caused panic on a recent plane journey.
0:24:43 > 0:24:48'This was the source of panic on board a London-bound easyJet flight.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50'Adam Gubbay from Stoke Newington
0:24:50 > 0:24:52'bought a baby corn snake on holiday in Israel.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55'Midway through the flight, Gubbay released the reptile,
0:24:55 > 0:24:58'named Milky, to give it a drink of water.'
0:24:58 > 0:25:01That's right - he got his snake out in the middle of an easyJet flight.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Now listen to this. How filthy does this sound?
0:25:04 > 0:25:08I had advised the passenger sitting next to me on my left
0:25:08 > 0:25:12that I was about to feed my snake and that he shouldn't be alarmed.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13LAUGHTER
0:25:13 > 0:25:15How creepy would that be?
0:25:15 > 0:25:18"Excuse me, do you mind if I get my Mamba out?"
0:25:18 > 0:25:19LAUGHTER
0:25:22 > 0:25:23"He likes you, don't he?"
0:25:25 > 0:25:27"Do you want to give him a stroke?"
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Now, unbelievably, this story gets even stranger.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35He was held in customs for hours. Did he get a lawyer? No, he didn't.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37He wrote a song about it.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40# The sun don't shine
0:25:40 > 0:25:42# The sun don't shine
0:25:42 > 0:25:43# Without you
0:25:44 > 0:25:48# Milky I've been too afraid to sleep
0:25:49 > 0:25:53# Dreaming easyJet would take you away from me... #
0:25:53 > 0:25:55LAUGHTER
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Wow.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58How do you reckon the end goes?
0:25:58 > 0:26:00# I let you out so you could eat
0:26:00 > 0:26:02# They tasered me and I shat the seat. #
0:26:02 > 0:26:03LAUGHTER
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Mind you, not all animals are causing destruction.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07Some just want to be loved.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15AUDIENCE: Awww!
0:26:15 > 0:26:16Correct, my friends.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19There is nothing wrong with a lazy eye.
0:26:21 > 0:26:22Surely he's the perfect dog?
0:26:22 > 0:26:25He can lick his balls and keep a look out for burglars.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31They're on about giving him plastic surgery. Sod that!
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Give him glasses.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34Who isn't cheered up by this?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36LAUGHTER
0:26:38 > 0:26:41We shouldn't worry, though, he'll definitely find a home.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Dogs with no depth perception can provide such joy.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48LAUGHTER
0:26:50 > 0:26:54You know Christmas is coming when the news starts talking about this.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Yesterday, John Lewis launched its ad on social media.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59It's caused a big buzz again.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02It stars a young boy and his friend, Monty the penguin.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06The campaign was an online worldwide trend by the end of the day.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Did you see it?
0:27:08 > 0:27:09It's magical.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14# Don't need to be alone
0:27:17 > 0:27:20# It's real love
0:27:20 > 0:27:21# It's real
0:27:23 > 0:27:26# It's real love
0:27:26 > 0:27:29# It's real love
0:27:39 > 0:27:41# It's real love
0:27:41 > 0:27:44# It's real
0:27:45 > 0:27:47# It's real love... #
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Aww...
0:27:51 > 0:27:53HE BLUBBERS INCOHERENTLY
0:27:56 > 0:27:58It's the most amazing thing I've ever seen!
0:28:00 > 0:28:03And do you know the best thing? Do you know the really good thing?
0:28:03 > 0:28:05We've actually got the director's cut
0:28:05 > 0:28:09of what happened with next those sweet, sweet penguins.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12# It's real love
0:28:12 > 0:28:14# It's real
0:28:14 > 0:28:17# It's real love
0:28:17 > 0:28:20SQUEAKY ANIMAL NOISES
0:28:20 > 0:28:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:28:33 > 0:28:35So there you go. Thanks very much for watching.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Good night, my friends. Good night!
0:28:37 > 0:28:39APPLAUSE