Episode 1

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0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

0:00:21 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:00:26 > 0:00:27Thank you.

0:00:30 > 0:00:35Hello and welcome to the new series of Good News.

0:00:35 > 0:00:37So, what's been happening while we've been away?

0:00:37 > 0:00:41Here's a tip - if you're doing an interview, watch what you lean on.

0:00:41 > 0:00:44SHE SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE

0:00:49 > 0:00:52I tell you what, Susannah Reid's really changed

0:00:52 > 0:00:54since she went to ITV.

0:00:54 > 0:00:57This is you, as an all-American,

0:00:57 > 0:01:00and a big opportunity for you in Hollywood,

0:01:00 > 0:01:04you must have had to beat off a lot of American men to get this part.

0:01:04 > 0:01:06HE GIGGLES

0:01:06 > 0:01:08Why does that make you giggle?

0:01:09 > 0:01:10Did you not have to beat them off?

0:01:12 > 0:01:16Oh, my God. Did anyone else see the moment this guy got busted

0:01:16 > 0:01:17enjoying some crap music?

0:01:17 > 0:01:21SINGS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE

0:01:29 > 0:01:34And finally. Is it me or is Diane Abbot really bad at hide and seek?

0:01:34 > 0:01:37Diane Abbot, very talking to you. Thanks for joining us.

0:01:37 > 0:01:44So, more reaction from Scotland coming up very shortly. Stay with us.

0:01:48 > 0:01:50So, what's been going on?

0:01:50 > 0:01:52Well, there's been one story dominating the news - Ebola.

0:01:52 > 0:01:56Now, here is how it was covered in Britain...

0:01:56 > 0:02:00- Ebola cases in West Africa approach 9,000.- Hundreds of British troops

0:02:00 > 0:02:04- are being sent to West Africa. - A small number of cases

0:02:04 > 0:02:07- will reach the UK.- We can contain it. - Britain is at the forefront

0:02:07 > 0:02:10- of preventing the spread.- A message for the public - don't worry.

0:02:10 > 0:02:13Calm. Measured.

0:02:13 > 0:02:15In America, not so much...

0:02:15 > 0:02:19- Alert - the Ebola emergency here in America.- The killer virus.

0:02:19 > 0:02:21Spreading much faster than efforts to contain it.

0:02:21 > 0:02:25- Spiralling out of control. - Stop admitting West Africans

0:02:25 > 0:02:29- into America right now.- So many questions.- Can they go to the movies?

0:02:29 > 0:02:33- Hospitals aren't ready for Ebola. - All hell is about to break loose!

0:02:33 > 0:02:35Arghhhhh!!

0:02:36 > 0:02:39The media have worked the American people into such a frenzy,

0:02:39 > 0:02:43some of them have taken to the streets. I mean, look at this guy.

0:02:43 > 0:02:47I love him, but I'm not sure he understands how Ebola spreads.

0:02:47 > 0:02:50I can't go to nobody's house and have dinner at their house.

0:02:50 > 0:02:54I don't know what the hell they was doing. They might scratch their ass.

0:02:54 > 0:02:58Putting Ebola-assness into spaghetti.

0:02:58 > 0:03:01They might put Ebola ass in the spaghetti!

0:03:03 > 0:03:06And what if they rub their nuts on the garlic bread! What, then?!

0:03:08 > 0:03:11He's amazing. I could watch him for hours.

0:03:11 > 0:03:13Here he is describing the outbreak.

0:03:13 > 0:03:18He says the person that has Ebola in Dallas came in contact with

0:03:18 > 0:03:2380 people! 80 people! Do you know how much that is?

0:03:23 > 0:03:26That's two 40s, you son of a bitch!

0:03:27 > 0:03:29That is how you teach maths!

0:03:31 > 0:03:34And just when you think he can't get any better, listen to what

0:03:34 > 0:03:38he thinks is the biggest issue surrounding this terrible disease.

0:03:38 > 0:03:42The first victim is a black man. That gives white bitches more excuses

0:03:42 > 0:03:44not to have sex with black guys now.

0:03:49 > 0:03:51That's right. We're all thinking it!

0:03:51 > 0:03:55The main problem with Ebola - he's not going to get any action.

0:03:56 > 0:04:01Damn, Ebola! I asked ten girls out last week. They all said no.

0:04:01 > 0:04:04You know how much ten is? That's two fives, you son of a bitch!

0:04:11 > 0:04:15So, how about Britain? How have we been dealing with the Ebola crisis?

0:04:15 > 0:04:19Well, the response over here has been a little more...British.

0:04:19 > 0:04:24I can't imagine there being an outbreak of Ebola

0:04:24 > 0:04:25in the United Kingdom.

0:04:25 > 0:04:27I mean, the virus would hate it here.

0:04:27 > 0:04:30- POSH VOICE: - Ebola would hate it here.

0:04:30 > 0:04:33The weather's ghastly, traffic's a nightmare. No, no, no.

0:04:33 > 0:04:36If I were Ebola, I'd go to Morocco.

0:04:38 > 0:04:40He's a lunatic. Ebola's a virus.

0:04:40 > 0:04:42It doesn't have emotions. What does he think?

0:04:42 > 0:04:47- It's under the microscope like this? - Do you want to go to Britain?- No.

0:04:47 > 0:04:53- I want to go to America.- Why? - Because I want to put my ass

0:04:53 > 0:04:54in the spaghetti.

0:04:58 > 0:05:02Pretty silly. Not that it was my favourite British response.

0:05:02 > 0:05:03Did you see this?

0:05:08 > 0:05:12And why did he have to do this? Because his name

0:05:12 > 0:05:14is Dele Adebola!

0:05:19 > 0:05:20Only in this country!

0:05:21 > 0:05:24Hope he's OK. Cos I heard Dele add Ebola!

0:05:27 > 0:05:29The other big news was this...

0:05:29 > 0:05:33He has graced great sporting arenas, but tonight, Oscar Pistorius

0:05:33 > 0:05:36is in a small cell in a south African jail.

0:05:36 > 0:05:39He is begging a five-year sentence for kllling his girlfriend,

0:05:39 > 0:05:42Reeva Steenkamp, with four gunshots.

0:05:42 > 0:05:43Only five years?!

0:05:43 > 0:05:46That's only two two and a halves, you son of a bitch!

0:05:48 > 0:05:50It wasn't just the sentence that shocked me.

0:05:50 > 0:05:53I find it incredible that he wasn't found guilty of murder.

0:05:53 > 0:05:56Did you see the trial? His arguments were so flimsy.

0:05:56 > 0:06:00He said, he thought a burglar was in his toilet

0:06:00 > 0:06:01and that was why he shot them.

0:06:01 > 0:06:05Who breaks into someone's house to take a shit?

0:06:07 > 0:06:08And did you see his defence?

0:06:12 > 0:06:13A mistake?!

0:06:13 > 0:06:15A mistake is forgetting to put the bins out.

0:06:15 > 0:06:18Anything that involves you shooting someone four times

0:06:18 > 0:06:21should have a different word, like, I dunno, "murder".

0:06:22 > 0:06:25He's such a hypocrite. All his career, he's been, like,

0:06:25 > 0:06:27"Judge me as an athlete, not by my disability."

0:06:27 > 0:06:31As soon as he's in court. "Poor me! I've got no leggy-wegs!"

0:06:40 > 0:06:42Did you see what he said about going to prison?

0:06:42 > 0:06:47I spoke to Oscar Pistorius in recent weeks. I saw him and he said

0:06:47 > 0:06:50he wasn't scared of going to prison.

0:06:50 > 0:06:52Jesus! If I were him, I would be!

0:06:52 > 0:06:54He's a good-looking fella. He's in trouble.

0:06:55 > 0:06:57Imagine him in the showers.

0:06:57 > 0:07:00"Hey, Oscar. On your marks, get set, blow."

0:07:02 > 0:07:07# And the girl is so fine Makes you want to sing Hallelujah. #

0:07:08 > 0:07:11Have you seen the latest way the Irish government is trying

0:07:11 > 0:07:12to crack down on speeding?

0:07:12 > 0:07:16This shocking advert has been banned from appearing on television

0:07:16 > 0:07:19until after the nine o'clock watershed.

0:07:21 > 0:07:24# Now and then, when I see her face

0:07:24 > 0:07:28# She takes me away to that special place

0:07:28 > 0:07:35# And if I stare too long I'd probably break down and cry... #

0:07:35 > 0:07:38Shocking ad? That doesn't look shocking!

0:07:38 > 0:07:41Nothing shocks me. I've seen everything.

0:07:41 > 0:07:47# Ooh, ooh-ooh Sweet child of mine... #

0:07:47 > 0:07:49TYRES SCREECH

0:07:54 > 0:07:57Arghhhhhhhhh!!

0:07:57 > 0:07:58Arghhhhhhhhh!!

0:08:02 > 0:08:04Arghhhhhhhhh!!

0:08:08 > 0:08:10Arghhhhhhhhh!!

0:08:17 > 0:08:20That is not how you reduce class sizes!

0:08:20 > 0:08:22That was on telly!

0:08:22 > 0:08:25It's terrifying! That is an actual advert.

0:08:25 > 0:08:27Who made that and went, "Yeah, that's fine"?

0:08:29 > 0:08:32That doesn't stop dangerous driving, it just freaks kids out

0:08:32 > 0:08:33about field trips.

0:08:36 > 0:08:38"Come on, let's collect some tadpoles."

0:08:38 > 0:08:39No-o-o-oo-o!!

0:08:42 > 0:08:45Cos if people see that, they'll never drive again.

0:08:45 > 0:08:47They won't let their kids in cars and that is a mistake,

0:08:47 > 0:08:51cos sometimes, wonderful things happen when you get kids in cars.

0:08:51 > 0:08:53I mean, listen to what this kid says.

0:08:53 > 0:08:56- What did you get, dude? - I got a boner.

0:09:03 > 0:09:05- Are you going to shoot it?- Yeah.

0:09:07 > 0:09:08Are you going to shoot it?

0:09:09 > 0:09:11What did you get?

0:09:11 > 0:09:12A boner.

0:09:18 > 0:09:21Don't shoot it at your mom, OK? That's my job!

0:09:23 > 0:09:25Not that it's all bad news from Ireland. Have a look at this.

0:09:25 > 0:09:29A pub in rural Ireland has been rebuilt after a fire.

0:09:29 > 0:09:33Some locals in a tiny village in Ireland have their pub back.

0:09:34 > 0:09:37How great is that? I wonder what the locals thought of it?

0:09:37 > 0:09:40Dan, what does the reopening of the pub mean to you?

0:09:40 > 0:09:42THICK ACCENT: It means a pint

0:09:42 > 0:09:44because I hadn't had a drink in the last two years!

0:09:44 > 0:09:48LAUGHTER

0:09:48 > 0:09:54No idea. Luckily, his mate was on hand to clear it up.

0:09:54 > 0:09:59- What does the reopening of the pub mean to you?- Well, we...

0:09:59 > 0:10:03LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

0:10:08 > 0:10:11Exactly. You heard him.

0:10:11 > 0:10:16- "What does the pub mean to you?" - GARBLED SPEECH

0:10:16 > 0:10:19It is incredible. And when you think it cannot get stranger,

0:10:19 > 0:10:22look what one of them pulls out of a bag.

0:10:30 > 0:10:34Elsewhere this week, congratulations to Malala.

0:10:34 > 0:10:37The children's rights activist Malala Yousafzai

0:10:37 > 0:10:40has been awarded this year's Nobel Prize for Peace.

0:10:40 > 0:10:44One book and one pen can change the world.

0:10:44 > 0:10:48It was fantastic that she won the Nobel Peace Prize

0:10:48 > 0:10:54but what caught my eye was the tweet that Naomi Campbell sent Malala.

0:11:01 > 0:11:05Wouldn't it be great if Malala sent one back, "Cheers, Naomi Come-balls.

0:11:05 > 0:11:10Hashtag, you have just proved why women need education.

0:11:10 > 0:11:13That is what I would do but that is one of the many reasons why

0:11:13 > 0:11:16I have not been nominated for the peace prize.

0:11:16 > 0:11:19Not that it's the worst spelling mistake I have seen this week.

0:11:19 > 0:11:22That definitely came from my mum. I am not making this up.

0:11:22 > 0:11:25This is a genuine text I got from my 58-year-old mother.

0:11:51 > 0:11:54Don't you dare applaud that!

0:12:00 > 0:12:03This next story about Red Bull sounds crazy

0:12:03 > 0:12:04but I promise it is true.

0:12:10 > 0:12:11That is right.

0:12:11 > 0:12:13People sued Red Bull, and won,

0:12:13 > 0:12:16because Red Bull did not actually give them wings.

0:12:16 > 0:12:18Imagine those letters.

0:12:18 > 0:12:21"Dear Red Bull, your drink does not give you rings. Wings!

0:12:21 > 0:12:24"Doesn't give me rings, wings, or otherwise.

0:12:24 > 0:12:28"Furthermore, meerkats know nothing about car insurance."

0:12:29 > 0:12:32It makes you think though. If Red Bull are getting sued,

0:12:32 > 0:12:36do you reckon all companies will have to start being more honest?

0:12:36 > 0:12:39Imagine that. "Frosties! Theeeeeey're...OK."

0:12:41 > 0:12:45"Fosters. Good call...if you have only just started drinking."

0:12:46 > 0:12:47McDonald's.

0:12:47 > 0:12:48# Duh-ruh-dah-dah. #

0:12:48 > 0:12:50It's bearable."

0:12:51 > 0:12:54If anyone should be getting sued it is tampon ads.

0:12:54 > 0:12:58I have never once seen a woman rollerblading behind a Dalmatian.

0:12:58 > 0:13:03Yay! I'm bleeding!

0:13:08 > 0:13:12Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

0:13:13 > 0:13:15What are their new adverts going to look like? This?

0:13:15 > 0:13:18As it is your time of the month, I thought we could go rollerblading.

0:13:18 > 0:13:21- Fuck off!- OK.

0:13:26 > 0:13:29Tell you what though, if companies have to start telling the truth,

0:13:29 > 0:13:31I think we all know what the new Guinness advert

0:13:31 > 0:13:33is going to look like.

0:13:37 > 0:13:40Stop whatever you are doing, forget about Ebola,

0:13:40 > 0:13:43forget about ISIS, I bring ground-breaking news.

0:13:47 > 0:13:53Noooo! Britain has run out of men who go, "Haha!"

0:13:53 > 0:13:54This is terrible.

0:13:54 > 0:13:56They don't do that, do they?

0:13:56 > 0:13:59That is... That is a very different thing!

0:14:01 > 0:14:05Do you know there is now only 480 clowns left in the UK?

0:14:05 > 0:14:09You know how many that is, that is two 240s, you son of a bitch!

0:14:09 > 0:14:13Well, dry your tears. Because I have done something about this.

0:14:13 > 0:14:16I, Russell Howard, out of my own pocket,

0:14:16 > 0:14:18have set up a sanctuary for clowns.

0:14:18 > 0:14:22They can frolic, breed, and relax.

0:14:22 > 0:14:28And I am told we can actually go live to the clown sanctuary now.

0:14:28 > 0:14:33CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYS

0:15:01 > 0:15:03Shit!

0:15:07 > 0:15:09Now it is time for my special guest.

0:15:09 > 0:15:12Every week I will interview someone who has been in the news

0:15:12 > 0:15:14who I find fascinating. Here he is.

0:15:14 > 0:15:18We were actually heading back into camp when we struck an IED,

0:15:18 > 0:15:19a roadside bomb.

0:15:19 > 0:15:21The vehicle rolled over, I ended up being crushed,

0:15:21 > 0:15:24trapped under the vehicle for three and a half hours.

0:15:24 > 0:15:27The damage in my lower left leg was pretty extensive.

0:15:27 > 0:15:30To the outside view it is, "Oh, my God, he has lost a leg,

0:15:30 > 0:15:32"his life must be hell."

0:15:32 > 0:15:34If someone tells me I can't do something,

0:15:34 > 0:15:37I am more determined, more motivated to do it.

0:15:37 > 0:15:40I will try to find out how somebody else has done it,

0:15:40 > 0:15:44or using the assistance and help that I have gained over the years,

0:15:44 > 0:15:45find another way to do it.

0:15:58 > 0:16:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:16:00 > 0:16:03Hello, thank you for coming on the show, my friend.

0:16:03 > 0:16:06Tonight's guest, Mike Goody, who won four gold medals

0:16:06 > 0:16:09and one silver medal at the recent Invictus Games.

0:16:09 > 0:16:12- That is worth a round of applause. - APPLAUSE

0:16:12 > 0:16:15- Thank you very much for coming on the show.- My pleasure.

0:16:15 > 0:16:18It must feel so amazing, that moment when you win.

0:16:18 > 0:16:21Yes, I mean, just that whole atmosphere of the whole games,

0:16:21 > 0:16:24the support from the general public, was just immense.

0:16:24 > 0:16:28What was the highlight of the Invictus Games?

0:16:28 > 0:16:31For me, just being selected for the team, given the captaincy

0:16:31 > 0:16:34for the swimming team, I think that, for me, was just everything.

0:16:34 > 0:16:36We have actually got a photo here

0:16:36 > 0:16:39of you collecting one of your four medals.

0:16:39 > 0:16:41There you are. Prince Harry.

0:16:41 > 0:16:43And you have met other members of the Royal family.

0:16:43 > 0:16:45I've heard a story about you,

0:16:45 > 0:16:48that when you were recovering in hospital after your injury

0:16:48 > 0:16:50- you met Prince Charles.- Yes.

0:16:50 > 0:16:54- Did you meet Prince Charles whilst you were on drugs?- Yes, I did.

0:16:54 > 0:16:55Of all the people to meet!

0:16:55 > 0:16:59"Oh, my God, it is Dobby from Harry Potter!"

0:17:01 > 0:17:04There are lots of people you don't want to run into on drugs.

0:17:04 > 0:17:09But he must have just been, "Hello, you all right?"

0:17:09 > 0:17:12- I've no knowledge...- Can you not remember it?- Not all of it, no.

0:17:12 > 0:17:14Because you are ex-RAF.

0:17:14 > 0:17:17I have to say that. Not Army, if I get that wrong you will go mad.

0:17:17 > 0:17:20And I had a brilliant, brilliant... Yeah, yeah.

0:17:20 > 0:17:21What were you going to do then?

0:17:21 > 0:17:24Were you going to take your leg off and hit me with it?

0:17:24 > 0:17:28Have you ever done that? Oh, my God, you thought about it! Wow!

0:17:28 > 0:17:32That was an amazing moment, because you had to think about it,

0:17:32 > 0:17:33that implies you had!

0:17:33 > 0:17:35Friends only.

0:17:38 > 0:17:42As we are getting on, and because you are ex-services,

0:17:42 > 0:17:46and I know quite a few people who are ex-military,

0:17:46 > 0:17:48I'm going to risk this question.

0:17:48 > 0:17:51- Have you ever drunk from your leg? - Yes.- I knew it, you have!

0:17:51 > 0:17:55- Many a time.- Many a time?- Yes.

0:17:55 > 0:17:58Do you fancy having a drink from your leg,

0:17:58 > 0:18:02- we will have a drink from your leg now?- Let's do it.- Do you?

0:18:02 > 0:18:07Oh, amazing. Luckily, I have got some premium pale ale.

0:18:07 > 0:18:12- I have not got an opener. - Hang on. Who has got a lighter?

0:18:12 > 0:18:17Nice, Cheers, dude. That was amazing. How lovely are you?

0:18:17 > 0:18:21You are like an alcoholic version of the Microsoft paperclip.

0:18:23 > 0:18:26"I see you are trying to get pissed!"

0:18:26 > 0:18:29Right, this feels pretty strange, but do you want to do the honours,

0:18:29 > 0:18:32it feels a bit wrong if I pour it.

0:18:32 > 0:18:34Cheers mate, thanks very much.

0:18:34 > 0:18:41- Lovely.- It holds just under three pints.- Haha! Right, wow!

0:18:41 > 0:18:47- This feels amazing.- I would go from the front, if I were you.

0:18:47 > 0:18:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:18:51 > 0:18:54You want some?

0:18:56 > 0:19:03Oh, nice! You went to pour it over your head!

0:19:05 > 0:19:06Doesn't that just say something

0:19:06 > 0:19:09about the wonder of the British public?

0:19:09 > 0:19:11You got four gold medals at the Invictus Games

0:19:11 > 0:19:15and you just got a bigger round of applause

0:19:15 > 0:19:18for drinking alcohol from your prosthetic leg.

0:19:18 > 0:19:20"He is a hero!"

0:19:20 > 0:19:23You've done so many amazing things for charity.

0:19:23 > 0:19:26One of the most interesting things about... You swam the Channel.

0:19:26 > 0:19:30- Yes. A team of six of us. - There were six of you.

0:19:30 > 0:19:33Yes, it wasn't long after I'd been injured myself.

0:19:33 > 0:19:37- I was in some dark days with alcohol and...- What is that?

0:19:37 > 0:19:40What is that moment like when you lose your leg?

0:19:40 > 0:19:45I still had my leg at the point when I did the English Channel.

0:19:45 > 0:19:48I actually kept my leg for two and a half years.

0:19:48 > 0:19:51It was chronic pain, I couldn't walk without mind-boggling

0:19:51 > 0:19:55painkillers or just do anything really. And it was so debilitating.

0:19:55 > 0:20:00And just wanted to do more but with the frame of mind,

0:20:00 > 0:20:05because that's the physical injury you can see,

0:20:05 > 0:20:09but the psychological injuries behind it were just tremendous. I just didn't want to be around at all.

0:20:09 > 0:20:12How did you manage to go from that understandable state of woe

0:20:12 > 0:20:17- to where you are now. You seem so bright and sparky. - It took a while.

0:20:17 > 0:20:21I'm not going to lie. I've still got some things going on as we all do.

0:20:21 > 0:20:24But Help For Heroes have got something called

0:20:24 > 0:20:28the Battle Back Programme and said, "We have the Channel coming up,

0:20:28 > 0:20:31"but you can't be a clinical alcoholic. You've got to

0:20:31 > 0:20:33"train for it, you've got to do this."

0:20:33 > 0:20:36So I threw myself into training, rather than into the bar, and a

0:20:36 > 0:20:39team of six of us completed the Channel about six months later.

0:20:39 > 0:20:42Incredible. That's worth a round of applause.

0:20:42 > 0:20:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:45 > 0:20:49- I heard as well, t hat you've got a tattoo.- Yes.

0:20:49 > 0:20:53I figured that if people are going to look and stare, because it's one of those things

0:20:53 > 0:20:56that people are like, "A bit different,". It makes people stare,

0:20:56 > 0:21:00I figured if they're going to stare, they might as well have a laugh.

0:21:00 > 0:21:02This is a wonderful tattoo. Would you like to have a look?

0:21:02 > 0:21:05- AUDIENCE: Yes. - Show everyone what you've got. It's absolutely brilliant.

0:21:07 > 0:21:10LAUGHTER

0:21:10 > 0:21:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:19 > 0:21:23If you don't mind me asking, I have quite a personal question,

0:21:23 > 0:21:27and forgive me for asking this, but because of all the amazing

0:21:27 > 0:21:33- things you've done do you ever regret losing your leg?- Not really.

0:21:33 > 0:21:37In the early days I hated the fact I was injured

0:21:37 > 0:21:42and you go through some awkward times, but the two charities that have helped me

0:21:42 > 0:21:45out more than anything is Help For Heroes and the RAF Benevolent Fund.

0:21:45 > 0:21:48They have helped me throughout and got me to where I am now -

0:21:48 > 0:21:51this bright, bubbly, slightly mischievous, sort of, individual.

0:21:51 > 0:21:56So, I just want to do anything I can and feed back into them

0:21:56 > 0:21:58what they've done for me.

0:21:58 > 0:22:01Just because, unfortunately there are a lot of injured guys

0:22:01 > 0:22:04- and girls out there. - What would you have...?

0:22:04 > 0:22:06What kind of advice would you have for anyone that's suffered

0:22:06 > 0:22:08similar injuries to yourself?

0:22:08 > 0:22:12I'd say if people are telling you you can't do something I'd say

0:22:12 > 0:22:16you've got to challenge why they're saying you can't do something.

0:22:16 > 0:22:19You're only as limited as your mind allows you almost.

0:22:19 > 0:22:22I'd say challenge everything and be who you want to be.

0:22:22 > 0:22:25- Congratulations. Pleasure to meet you.- Thank you very much.

0:22:25 > 0:22:29Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for the wonderful Mr Mike Goody.

0:22:29 > 0:22:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:22:35 > 0:22:38In political news, you can't move without hearing about this lot.

0:22:38 > 0:22:42UKIP makes history by winning its first seat at Westminster.

0:22:42 > 0:22:46'Douglas Carswell who defected from the Conservatives retained

0:22:46 > 0:22:50'his Clacton seat with a resounding victory, delighting his new leader.'

0:22:50 > 0:22:53I would urge people come and join the People's Army.

0:22:53 > 0:22:56Let's topple the establishment who've led us to this mess.

0:22:56 > 0:23:00UKIP have got their first-ever elected MP.

0:23:00 > 0:23:05Some people are huge fans of Nigel Farage - others not so keen.

0:23:05 > 0:23:07We're fighting a national election campaign

0:23:07 > 0:23:09- here on the issue... - AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

0:23:09 > 0:23:14To be honest, I'm with him. I'm baffled that UKIP are doing so well - they don't have any policies.

0:23:14 > 0:23:18What do UKIP stand for other than writing the words "piss off"

0:23:18 > 0:23:19on the white cliffs of Dover?

0:23:19 > 0:23:22Well, I did a bit of research here are some of the things

0:23:22 > 0:23:24their members have championed in the past.

0:23:24 > 0:23:27"Hand guns should be legalised."

0:23:27 > 0:23:30"All disabled babies should be aborted."

0:23:30 > 0:23:32"Schools should bring back the cane."

0:23:32 > 0:23:34And, "The NHS should spend money

0:23:34 > 0:23:37"on helping homosexuals become straight."

0:23:37 > 0:23:41"The People's Army." What are they saying?

0:23:41 > 0:23:46The NHS should cure homosexuality?! Being gay isn't a disease.

0:23:46 > 0:23:49What? Hold a pair of tits in front of them,

0:23:49 > 0:23:50like the opticians?

0:23:52 > 0:23:54"Are you horny now?

0:23:54 > 0:23:57"And now?

0:23:57 > 0:23:59"What about now?"

0:23:59 > 0:24:02I guess the reason nobody knows what UKIP stand for is cos all you

0:24:02 > 0:24:04see Nigel Farage doing is this.

0:24:04 > 0:24:07Nigel Farage might have allowed himself a celebratory pint.

0:24:07 > 0:24:10He's a guy who likes to go to the pub...

0:24:10 > 0:24:12The bloke in the saloon bar. The cheeky chap in the pub.

0:24:12 > 0:24:14The guy they'd like to have a drink with.

0:24:14 > 0:24:15'Drinking beer, smoking.'

0:24:15 > 0:24:18It's no great secret that I quite like a drink.

0:24:18 > 0:24:20Why would you want him in power?

0:24:20 > 0:24:23I don't want a man down the pub running the country.

0:24:23 > 0:24:25I want a man who says,

0:24:25 > 0:24:28"I'm sorry, I can't come down the pub - I'm running the fucking country."

0:24:28 > 0:24:33I mean do you really want a bloke down the pub in charge?

0:24:33 > 0:24:36ALL: Down it, down it, down it.

0:24:36 > 0:24:38Wahey!

0:24:38 > 0:24:41ALL CHEER

0:24:41 > 0:24:46Right, whatever number I hit, that's how many hospitals we're going to build.

0:24:46 > 0:24:51Aargh! Aargh! Aargh!

0:24:57 > 0:24:59It's not just UKIP - it's across the board.

0:24:59 > 0:25:02I mean, take the recent Scottish Referendum.

0:25:02 > 0:25:05Did you see how Zoo magazine asked their readers which way

0:25:05 > 0:25:07they might vote?

0:25:14 > 0:25:16LAUGHTER

0:25:16 > 0:25:19Is that the only way Zoo readers can understand politics?

0:25:19 > 0:25:23Do you want to vote yes or no?

0:25:24 > 0:25:29Is Scotland better together or apart?

0:25:30 > 0:25:32Some of you are undecided, aren't you?

0:25:32 > 0:25:36Christ, how are Zoo going to cover the general election?

0:25:38 > 0:25:41LAUGHTER

0:25:51 > 0:25:54So to finish the show, here's something incredible.

0:25:54 > 0:25:56These are some truly inspiring people

0:25:56 > 0:25:59who have devoted their lives to helping kids who can't see.

0:26:15 > 0:26:18'Anita and Sonia come from a very poor family.

0:26:18 > 0:26:22'If they are not operated they will remain blind for life.

0:26:22 > 0:26:25'And what happens in most of the cases,

0:26:25 > 0:26:28'they are used by the family as beggars.

0:26:40 > 0:26:43SHE SINGS IN DIALECT:

0:26:51 > 0:26:54IN DIALECT:

0:27:00 > 0:27:02SHE SOBS

0:27:50 > 0:27:53IN DIALECT:

0:28:13 > 0:28:15Pretty incredible.

0:28:15 > 0:28:17APPLAUSE

0:28:17 > 0:28:20Thanks very much for watching Good News.

0:28:20 > 0:28:22Good night, my friends, good night.

0:28:22 > 0:28:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE