0:00:03 > 0:00:11This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Hello, hello.
0:00:29 > 0:00:35Hello and welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?
0:00:35 > 0:00:39My award for least dignified exit of week goes to this guy.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48HE SPEAKS HIS OWN LANGUAGE
0:00:48 > 0:00:52The BBC interviewed the most easily pleased man in the world.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55And I thought, well, if you can buy a Kit Kat in Swanage then the sky's the limit.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02I tell you what. I've seen a lot of news but this is definitely the most awkward
0:01:02 > 0:01:04ending to a report I've ever seen.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08We are very clear that everybody needs the NHS.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12- Unless you're super, super rich... - Thank you, thank you.
0:01:12 > 0:01:17We'll bring you the...events that happen here later on this af... evening, at the 10:15 news.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23The poor bloke got a lot of stick online.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27Luckily for him I've found the greatest way to deal with abuse ever.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Hi, I'm sorry, I didn't see you there.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31I was too busy, mmmm, blockin' out the haters!
0:01:31 > 0:01:34If people are giving you shit,
0:01:34 > 0:01:37all you need is a couple of plastic spoons.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41And finally, here's a tip - if you're gonna interview
0:01:41 > 0:01:44a one-legged man, don't sit like this.
0:01:44 > 0:01:49The two charities that have helped me out more than anything are Help For Heroes and...
0:01:49 > 0:01:51LAUGHTER
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Who is that dick?
0:02:02 > 0:02:05So what's been going on? Well, the big royal news was this.
0:02:05 > 0:02:10Katy Perry, Lady Gaga and Rihanna, they are all queens of Twitter
0:02:10 > 0:02:13with more than 138 million followers between them.
0:02:13 > 0:02:18Well, now, there's a new queen on the block - Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, has sent her first tweet.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21The Queen's on Twitter! How great is that?
0:02:21 > 0:02:23CHEERING
0:02:23 > 0:02:27"@Charles I'm thinking of abdicating the throne -
0:02:27 > 0:02:30"Hashtag - Only joking, jug ears!"
0:02:32 > 0:02:34"Dear followers,
0:02:34 > 0:02:37"when I can't be bothered to do my hair in the morning I just do this."
0:02:41 > 0:02:44"Greetings, Commonwealth. You're all common
0:02:44 > 0:02:45"and I've got the wealth!"
0:02:50 > 0:02:53I think it's amazing news that the Queen's on Twitter.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Cos you know what she's gonna do, she's gonna end up doing what everyone does.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Getting drunk and tweeting pictures of her pets.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01"Bread plus corgi = mega rofls."
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Not that everyone was as pleased as me that the Queen was on Twitter.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22Yeah! Poor Liz. Still I think we all know how she should deal with this.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see you there. I was too busy,
0:03:25 > 0:03:29mmmmm, blocking out the haters.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32CHEERING
0:03:38 > 0:03:43It wasn't just the Queen getting abuse on Twitter. The hashtag AskNigelFarage was set up this week,
0:03:43 > 0:03:47where people could ask the leader of UKIP questions.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Did the British public take this seriously? Not really.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04And my personal favourite...
0:04:09 > 0:04:10Brilliant
0:04:12 > 0:04:16Now, staying in politics, did you hear about this?
0:04:16 > 0:04:19The United Kingdom has been ordered to pay an extra £1.7 billion
0:04:19 > 0:04:22towards the European Union's budget
0:04:22 > 0:04:26because of the success of Britain's economy in recent years.
0:04:26 > 0:04:32We have to pay 1.7 billion? That's two 850 millions, you son of a bitch!
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Cameron doesn't know how we're gonna get the money together.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40I've got a crazy idea, how about we get Starbucks, Amazon
0:04:40 > 0:04:43and Google to pay their fucking taxes?
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Exactly!
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Did you see Cameron try and stand up at the European Union?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55He tried his best to look strong and powerful
0:04:55 > 0:04:59and say "I will not pay this bill!"
0:04:59 > 0:05:02But instead, it came out like this.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05I'm not paying that bill on the 1st of December,
0:05:05 > 0:05:09if people think I are, they got another, another thing coming.
0:05:11 > 0:05:17Who wrote his speech? Yoda? "Guess again if bill you think pay I will."
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Then he just started talking about board games!
0:05:20 > 0:05:26You don't need to have a Cluedo set to know that someone's been clubbed with the lead piping in the library.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31"And if you think Professor Plum wasn't in the drawing room
0:05:31 > 0:05:34"with the bloody hungry hippos you can..."
0:05:37 > 0:05:41Poor old Dave, he's had an awful week, did you see what happened to him in Leeds?
0:05:41 > 0:05:45The Prime Minister was rushed into his official car by his bodyguards
0:05:45 > 0:05:49today after a man appeared to collide with him on a street in Leeds.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52The 28-year-old man, who said he was just running,
0:05:52 > 0:05:53was arrested by later released.
0:05:53 > 0:05:58Aghhhh! He got jogged into!
0:06:00 > 0:06:01Don't laugh.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Dave was the victim of a drive-by trotting!
0:06:06 > 0:06:08He just ran at him. It's ridiculous,
0:06:08 > 0:06:12look why Cameron's security thought the jogger was a danger.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16I've got a towel wrapped around my hand, which, to them, was a weapon.
0:06:16 > 0:06:21What did they think he was gonna do? Dry him to death?
0:06:21 > 0:06:25Cameron's had a tough week, especially compared to Barack Obama.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Look at the smooth way he dealt with a heckler
0:06:28 > 0:06:30while he was voting this week.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31As leader of the free world,
0:06:31 > 0:06:34President Obama is used to getting a bit of stick,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37but when he went to cast his ballot in the mid-term elections in Chicago
0:06:37 > 0:06:40he probably wasn't expecting to be warned to stay away
0:06:40 > 0:06:43from the lady in the booth next door by her boyfriend.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Can you imagine if that was Cameron? "Fancy a kiss?"
0:07:08 > 0:07:09"Piss off, Sausage Face."
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Obama is just so much cooler than Cameron.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17I mean, when Obama's around, people don't even notice Dave.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19They don't even want to shake his hand.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21'The most important in its history.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24'David Cameron takes personal charge of efforts
0:07:24 > 0:07:27'to free the British hostage held by Islamic State militants.'
0:07:27 > 0:07:31It's amazing. It's even better in slow motion.
0:07:31 > 0:07:37# All by myself
0:07:37 > 0:07:39# Don't wanna be
0:07:39 > 0:07:43# All by myself... #
0:07:43 > 0:07:46"Please love me!
0:07:46 > 0:07:48"Please!
0:07:48 > 0:07:50"Somebody ran into me in Leeds!"
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Next up, did you hear
0:07:58 > 0:08:02about the crazy way a lady in Australia saved her dog?
0:08:02 > 0:08:06A woman whose dog was being mauled by another dog at a Bayside beach
0:08:06 > 0:08:10has used an unorthodox method to save her Jack Russell.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13After trying in vain to break up the savage attack,
0:08:13 > 0:08:16she had success with just one finger.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17That's right.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21- GROANING - That's right, that's right.
0:08:21 > 0:08:26she saved her dog by putting her finger up another dog's arse!
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Not only that, she did an interview about it!
0:08:37 > 0:08:38I lifted its tail
0:08:38 > 0:08:40and luckily I hadn't filed my nails
0:08:40 > 0:08:43and I put it up its anal passage.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45And it went "A-oooooooo!"
0:08:45 > 0:08:47A-oooooooo!
0:08:47 > 0:08:51How mental must that have been to witness?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54"Oh, God, mate. Look! There's two dogs fighting.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58"Oh, it's OK. There's a woman who's gonna break it u...
0:08:58 > 0:09:02"Jesus, mate. It looks like she's wearing a novelty glove."
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Do you know what I find fascinating about this story?
0:09:08 > 0:09:12I was talking to a friend and apparently she did the right thing.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Apparently the only way to stop a vicious dog attacking someone -
0:09:15 > 0:09:18put your finger up its bum.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19Who found that out?!
0:09:21 > 0:09:25That is just a pervert who got unbelievably lucky.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27I'll say this now,
0:09:27 > 0:09:29if I'm in a field and there's a kid getting attacked by a pit bull,
0:09:29 > 0:09:31he ain't making it.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34LAUGHTER
0:09:34 > 0:09:36And what if you got it wrong?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38"Oh, my God, that kid's getting attacked by a dog.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39"Quick, put your finger up its arse!
0:09:39 > 0:09:43"No, you idiot! The dog, the dog!"
0:09:44 > 0:09:45"THE DOG!"
0:09:48 > 0:09:50HE SCREAMS
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Not that it was my favourite animal story in the news.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56This is absolutely wonderful.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Did you hear what happened to some sheep on a farm in Surrey?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08It's just wonderful.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10A drug dealer left a load of marijuana in a field
0:10:10 > 0:10:12and they scoffed it all.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15That would be an amazing episode of Life on Earth.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17"Here we see the mighty sheep
0:10:17 > 0:10:21"baked off their tits and nibbling hob nobs."
0:10:23 > 0:10:25How shocked must the farmer have been.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27He rocks up and the sheep all look like this.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33I would love to see a stoned sheep.
0:10:33 > 0:10:34Wouldn't that be great?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Stoned sheep just giggling in a field.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Just like that, "Hey!
0:10:39 > 0:10:42"Look at me, I'm a cloud!"
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Just another one like that,
0:10:50 > 0:10:52"I'm so tired, I'm going to count me!"
0:10:55 > 0:10:57One thing we can all agree on,
0:10:57 > 0:10:59this is definitely going to change nursery rhymes.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11THE LAMB SCREAMS
0:11:13 > 0:11:17I can smell mint sauce, bitch. I can smell mint sauce!
0:11:17 > 0:11:21- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - I like that.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27So you're probably thinking, "Sheep on pot -
0:11:27 > 0:11:28"there's no way there can be
0:11:28 > 0:11:30"a madder drug story than that in the news."
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Oh, there can. Check out this headline.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Well, that is a man who refuses to come quietly!
0:11:49 > 0:11:51He beat off 15 cops...
0:11:51 > 0:11:53and then himself.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57And they say that men can't multitask.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Did you see... It's unbelievable.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Did you see how the police tried to bring him down?
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Even electricity couldn't stop him!
0:12:10 > 0:12:12If anything, it made him harder.
0:12:14 > 0:12:15"More volts, more volts!"
0:12:17 > 0:12:18Don't taser him.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20If you want to stop a bloke having a tug,
0:12:20 > 0:12:22you need to think outside the box.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24"OK, we need backup.
0:12:24 > 0:12:25"We need a picture of his mum,
0:12:25 > 0:12:29"repeat, we need a picture of his mum."
0:12:29 > 0:12:31And if that doesn't work, just get this lady.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33A-oooooo!
0:12:37 > 0:12:41Bizarrely, one of the biggest global stories of the week was this.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43The actress Renee Zellweger has denied claims
0:12:43 > 0:12:44she's had plastic surgery.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46The world stopped.
0:12:49 > 0:12:50Regardez Renee Zellweger.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- Renee Zellweger. - L'actrice Renee Zellweger...
0:12:53 > 0:12:54Renee Zellweger...
0:12:54 > 0:12:56I think it's clear that she's had work.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58She looked physically different.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00There's no way that's Renee.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Who cares?
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Who cares what she looks like?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05We all change as we age, don't we?
0:13:05 > 0:13:08I mean, I look very different to my 15-year-old self.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12LAUGHTER
0:13:12 > 0:13:14I ran a mean kingdom!
0:13:14 > 0:13:16It's so unfair, isn't it?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18It's always women in the media that get attacked for their looks.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20It's never men.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23No-one ever has a pop at Simon Cowell or Noel Edmonds or...
0:13:23 > 0:13:26or Richard Branson. I mean, have you seen him recently?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Here's Richard five years ago.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30And here's what he looks like now.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33LAUGHTER
0:13:33 > 0:13:35"Oh, Renee's got a different look!"
0:13:35 > 0:13:37He's turned into a dog!
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Still, I had a word with Renee
0:13:39 > 0:13:42and we've figured out a way to deal with her critics.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46From an Oscar winning actress
0:13:46 > 0:13:50to one of the strangest musical collaborations ever.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Children's TV presenters the Chuckle Brothers
0:13:52 > 0:13:55and award-winning rapper Tinchy Stryder.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57- # Oh, dear - # Oh, dear, oh, dear
0:13:57 > 0:13:59# Here's the ladder, who's taking it?
0:13:59 > 0:14:00- # To me - # To you
0:14:00 > 0:14:02- # To me - # To you, then
0:14:02 > 0:14:04- # To me - # To you
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- # To me - # To you, then? #
0:14:06 > 0:14:08What is it?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15How insane is that?
0:14:15 > 0:14:18The Chuckles have done a duet with Tinchy Stryder?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21What next, Jay Z and Harry Potter?!
0:14:21 > 0:14:24# If you're having quidditch problems I feel bad for you, son
0:14:24 > 0:14:25# I got 99 problems
0:14:25 > 0:14:27# But the snitch ain't one Hit me! #
0:14:33 > 0:14:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:34 > 0:14:35Malfoy in the corner?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37# Every day I'm Slytherin... #
0:14:41 > 0:14:43All right one more, one more...
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Snoop Dogg outside the Weasley's...
0:14:45 > 0:14:49# Rolling down the street smokin' Indo sippin' on Ginny's juice. #
0:14:49 > 0:14:54LAUGHTER
0:14:54 > 0:14:56I'll stop, I'll stop.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58People have been saying, why haven't you done something like this?
0:14:58 > 0:15:01I would do a song with people that were on telly when I was a kid...
0:15:01 > 0:15:03but they're all in jail.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09It's true, man.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Next up, if you think you've got a strange hobby,
0:15:11 > 0:15:14check out what this bloke did for Halloween.
0:15:14 > 0:15:1618-year-old film-maker Nick Santonastasso
0:15:16 > 0:15:18was born with one arm and no legs
0:15:18 > 0:15:22and now he is turning what some call a disability into an art form.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26He is producing and starring in short horror movies watched by millions.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29You are probably thinking they are gentle little horror films, oh, no.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31They're insane.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32He goes to a late-night car park
0:15:32 > 0:15:36and pranks unsuspecting people like this...
0:15:36 > 0:15:40Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me.
0:15:40 > 0:15:48LAUGHTER
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Holy shit!
0:16:07 > 0:16:11What an amazing thing to do with your disability?
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Shall I sit around feeling sorry for myself?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16No! I'm going to scare the crap out of people!
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Are you watching, Oscar Pistorius?
0:16:18 > 0:16:21THAT is how you scare a burglar!
0:16:21 > 0:16:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Some ridiculous health stories in the news.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30First up, have you seen how they're trying to stop smoking
0:16:30 > 0:16:32outside a hospital in the West Country?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Messages recorded by local schoolchildren encouraging
0:16:35 > 0:16:38people not to smoke are now being played out through
0:16:38 > 0:16:41a loudspeaker at Taunton's Musgrove Park hospital.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43It's nuts. Have you seen how it works?
0:16:43 > 0:16:48Every time the receptionist sees a smoker outside she pushes the button.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Do you know how much your smoking harms me?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53AUDIENCE GASP
0:16:53 > 0:16:56"Do you know how much you're hurting me?"
0:16:58 > 0:17:00How manipulative is that?!
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Why not get a kid to just come out..."how could you?"
0:17:04 > 0:17:05"I'm dying."
0:17:08 > 0:17:11It could have been worse, they could have got this fella to do the voice.
0:17:11 > 0:17:12MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY
0:17:15 > 0:17:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Mind you, if you think using kids voices to stop smoking is crazy,
0:17:21 > 0:17:25have a look what a Tory MP wants to use in the NHS...
0:17:25 > 0:17:28"A conservative MP has spoken of his belief in astrology
0:17:28 > 0:17:30"and his desire to incorporate it into medicine."
0:17:30 > 0:17:34A Tory MP wants us to use astrology in hospitals!
0:17:34 > 0:17:37How's that going to work? "What star sign are you?" "I'm a Cancer."
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Oh...
0:17:41 > 0:17:42what a coincidence!
0:17:45 > 0:17:46You've got crabs...
0:17:51 > 0:17:53..and cancer. You've got cancer too.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55It's ridiculous.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59The last thing you need when you're in hospital is astrology.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Oh, doctor, how did the operation go?
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Well, it says here, you're going to meet a tall dark stranger.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06Ooh, lovely.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10DEAD TONE ON MONITOR
0:18:10 > 0:18:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Ladies and gentlemen please welcome my guest, Steve Peters,
0:18:17 > 0:18:20a psychiatrist who has worked with some of Britain's best sportsmen
0:18:20 > 0:18:23and women, including the British Olympic Team, Ronnie O'Sullivan
0:18:23 > 0:18:25and Liverpool Football Club.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32What he can do is, he can help you to learn what goes on inside your head.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35He can help you with your preparation.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38I owe everything to Steve, I wasn't going to continue playing.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40The work that I've done with Steve has kind of made me
0:18:40 > 0:18:43into much more of a winner, if you like.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46He helped me back in the day to really kind of change
0:18:46 > 0:18:50my perspective on myself and myself in sport and my sport.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Steve is like the kind of voice of reason within a team.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55He's the man you got to speak to, he's almost like a sounding board.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59APPLAUSE
0:18:59 > 0:19:03Steve, thank you so much for coming on, it's a pleasure to meet you.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05I think what you do is very important
0:19:05 > 0:19:09because I think in sport it's vital that the mind is focused
0:19:09 > 0:19:12because if it isn't, things like this can happen.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21I mean, he's beyond help at that point, isn't he?
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- He'll be mentally scarred. - But what I love about it is the fact that it's been filmed
0:19:24 > 0:19:26and then someone's put it on the internet.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Rather than go, oh, help him, they've gone,
0:19:29 > 0:19:30right, straight on YouTube.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32I read your book and it's specifically about the...
0:19:32 > 0:19:37if you can explain to everybody about the chimp, the chimp paradox.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39What I try to do, I teach at medical school for doctors
0:19:39 > 0:19:42and you try and make the newer science simple
0:19:42 > 0:19:44and they found it quite complex and they were saying there's
0:19:44 > 0:19:48- an easy way of getting this and I thought, I'll introduce a model. About 15 years ago now.- Yeah.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50And if you look at the brain,
0:19:50 > 0:19:51basically there are three systems running.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53One of them is you, so that's...
0:19:53 > 0:19:56you're the person that says I'm going to be healthy, I'm going to eat
0:19:56 > 0:19:58really well, I'm going to be slim, I'm going to be fit.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59Then the second bit says,
0:19:59 > 0:20:02I'm not having anything like that I'm eating what I want,
0:20:02 > 0:20:04I'm going to stay in bed, I'm not going to train.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06And that's the chimp within.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08So, it's another thinking brain which is nothing to do with us.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11We are born with it and it thinks for us.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15- So, we all have a monkey inside our brain?- Yeah.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18And we have to control that monkey otherwise that monkey will do
0:20:18 > 0:20:21bad things? It's like planet of the apes, isn't it?
0:20:21 > 0:20:22It is really, yeah, yeah.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23The way you describe the chimp,
0:20:23 > 0:20:25that's pretty much exactly my brother.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Lies in bed, got a red arse, scratches himself a lot.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34Swings on tyres, masturbates. That's my brother.
0:20:34 > 0:20:35I think what you've got to look at,
0:20:35 > 0:20:37you've got to say all people are different
0:20:37 > 0:20:41so these chimpanzees as I would call them are unique within that person.
0:20:41 > 0:20:42Some people have laid back chimpanzees.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44- So, you talk about someone like Chris Hoy.- Yeah.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Chris Hoy was fantastic to work with,
0:20:46 > 0:20:49he's a true gentleman and his chimp's a gentleman.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53- So it was easy to work with.- What?
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Absolutely lovely image of Chris Hoy having a gentleman
0:20:56 > 0:20:57chimp in his brain.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Well he agreed with what Chris was doing so it wasn't too hard.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Ronnie O'Sullivan, you've got this really, really genuine guy,
0:21:03 > 0:21:05but the chimp's a nightmare.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Ronnie knows it, I know it,
0:21:07 > 0:21:11you've got lots of footage where it attacks and it does crazy things.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13And Ronnie says to me, this is not how I want to be
0:21:13 > 0:21:16and I'm saying well actually, it's not you, you're being hijacked.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17So you've got to get some insight.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Say, this is not me, distinguish yourself from the machine.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24So when you say things like I want to eat one piece of chocolate.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25- You really mean that.- Yes.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29And then this chimp which is stronger than you just goes I think we'll eat the bar.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32And then you eat the bar and then the chimp finishes
0:21:32 > 0:21:35and you sit there and think, I can't believe this. He's done it again.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Have people, do you think people have ever used
0:21:37 > 0:21:40the chimp even though they've known what they were doing.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42So, it's a bloody good excuse, isn't it?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44If someone comes home and you've eaten all the chocolate
0:21:44 > 0:21:46and you've gone, "bloody chimp."
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- "Why haven't you put the bins out?" "He's too powerful."- Yeah, yeah.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53I think... I'll make this really clear. You can't use an excuse.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57It's like having a dog. It's like dogs. I love dogs I breed dogs.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59And you can't have a dog that suddenly bites you,
0:21:59 > 0:22:01and I say, "Well, for me, it's a dog."
0:22:01 > 0:22:02You know, I'm responsible, 100%,
0:22:02 > 0:22:05but I'm not responsible for the nature of the dog.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Dogs will be aggressively if you don't train them,
0:22:07 > 0:22:10or they'll be loving if you do. And it's the same with our chimps.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13They can be unruly and run our lives if we don't train them.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15If you train them, then they'll start behaving
0:22:15 > 0:22:17and actually become our best friend.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Have you picked up on the kind of chimp I have?
0:22:20 > 0:22:21I think the key is this -
0:22:21 > 0:22:24you've probably got quite a bit of harmony with the chimp
0:22:24 > 0:22:26which means it's not bad, it's not good, it's a chimp.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29And you're saying, "I'm going to use my chimp to my advantage."
0:22:29 > 0:22:30And people like it cos they say,
0:22:30 > 0:22:33"Yeah, it's quite good fun." And it makes people laugh.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36So there's a good example of someone who's got into harmony with
0:22:36 > 0:22:38the chimp but I can guarantee behind locked doors
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- and away from this, it's not always like that.- No.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43You've turned your chimp around and made it into fun.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46And on the comedian side, that can have penalties.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Because a lot of comedians suffer with depressive illness.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51We know there are suicides in comedians,
0:22:51 > 0:22:52so there's a serious side...
0:22:52 > 0:22:54LAUGHTER
0:22:57 > 0:22:58This was going so well.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Yeah, what can I do to stop...
0:23:02 > 0:23:04stop my chimp from killing me?
0:23:04 > 0:23:06LAUGHTER
0:23:06 > 0:23:09I read that you were supposed to name your chimp. Is that right?
0:23:09 > 0:23:12- That's right. - What's your chimp called?
0:23:12 > 0:23:16It's unruly, it's rude, it's not good at communicating.
0:23:16 > 0:23:17That's the other side of my chimp.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19- What's his name?- Russell.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:25 > 0:23:27I read a fascinating thing about you.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30That you'll sometimes, because you work with all kinds of people,
0:23:30 > 0:23:33all across the world, that you sometimes get phone calls
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- at three in the morning. And you take those calls.- Yeah.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38- I take those calls. - What a human being you are.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40You're like the perfect mate.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42There was a moment where Ronnie O'Sullivan had come to stay cos
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Ronnie just turns up at the house. And he just says, "I'm staying."
0:23:45 > 0:23:48So he comes and stays, and he grabs me for a few days,
0:23:48 > 0:23:50and then he disappears. And that's the way we work.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53And I rang Vicky Pendleton up, and I said,
0:23:53 > 0:23:54"I want you to invite us over."
0:23:54 > 0:23:57She said, "I'll make you a meal." It's true, this.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00- So we went to Vicky's house.- You and Ronnie?- Yeah, I did it deliberately.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04- OK.- Cos I'd got to the point, I was thinking, they just can't stop.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06They're just chimps. So I sat them opposite each other,
0:24:06 > 0:24:09and I said to Ronnie, "Tell her what your chimp's like."
0:24:09 > 0:24:11And he went on, and she just couldn't believe this. She said,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14"I can't believe what you're saying. That's rubbish."
0:24:14 > 0:24:16I said, "You start." And Vicky did the same.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19And Ronnie said, "I can't believe this woman. She's mad!"
0:24:19 > 0:24:22A week later, they both rang and said, "Can we just apologise,
0:24:22 > 0:24:25"you must get fed up of listening to us moaning."
0:24:25 > 0:24:27And it was very therapeutic
0:24:27 > 0:24:30cos at that point they did for each other what I couldn't do.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32I would listen and listen, but, actually, there's a point
0:24:32 > 0:24:34you've got to hold the mirror up.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36And, presumably, you're on double pay, as well.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38LAUGHTER
0:24:38 > 0:24:41And you've got a meal out of it. That's a good day.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45Right, now, you spend a lot of time working on other people's chimps,
0:24:45 > 0:24:46but I want to know about yours
0:24:46 > 0:24:49because you seem such a selfless, calm person.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51I've come up with a few scenarios.
0:24:51 > 0:24:56And I want to know whether your chimp would be in control,
0:24:56 > 0:25:00or out of control. And here they are, right? You're with a mate.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03He says he's not hungry, and then as soon as the food arrives,
0:25:03 > 0:25:04he eats from your plate.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Can you feel that? Can you feel people going?
0:25:08 > 0:25:09IMITATES CHIMP
0:25:09 > 0:25:11LAUGHTER
0:25:11 > 0:25:12You could do two things.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15You could be nice and just say, "Obviously, you're hungry."
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Or you could act like I've seen people do
0:25:17 > 0:25:20and you just spit on the food and say, "You're welcome."
0:25:20 > 0:25:21LAUGHTER
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Good answer. You're in the quiet carriage, someone's on their phone,
0:25:24 > 0:25:26and you hear someone on the other end laughing
0:25:26 > 0:25:28on the phone, and it's your wife.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32I would be stunned
0:25:32 > 0:25:34- cos I'm not married.- OK.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:40 > 0:25:43You're born and raised in West Philadelphia.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46You spend most of your days on the playground.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Suddenly, trouble goes down,
0:25:48 > 0:25:51and you have to live with your uncle in Bel-Air.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52LAUGHTER
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Is that not you?
0:25:55 > 0:25:58- Surely... - IMITATES CHIMP
0:25:58 > 0:26:00I think I do reasonable rates,
0:26:00 > 0:26:01and I'll put you in straightaway.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03LAUGHTER
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Steve, thank you so much for coming along.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Pleasure to meet you, my friend.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10APPLAUSE
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Did you hear about Word Of The Year?
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Now, the Word Of The Year has been announced. It's 'photobomb.'
0:26:19 > 0:26:22It's defined as intruding into the background of a photograph
0:26:22 > 0:26:24without a subject's knowledge.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27'Photobomb' is the Word Of The Year. So, in honour of that,
0:26:27 > 0:26:29here are my all time favourites. At number three, this squirrel.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Number two, this camel.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39But my all-time favourite is this little girl's arm.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Finally tonight, here's a story about an organisation who
0:26:54 > 0:26:56found a great way of getting fit whilst doing good deeds.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57It's wonderful. Look at this.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03'Every Saturday morning for the last 18 months,
0:27:03 > 0:27:08'I've run to go and see Vera, so she's my running coach, in a sense.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11'The reason I get out of bed on most Saturday mornings is
0:27:11 > 0:27:13'because I know Vera's there,
0:27:13 > 0:27:16'and it's actually quite a refreshing way to start your weekend.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19'Running clears your mind but I can promise you
0:27:19 > 0:27:22'so does sitting having a half an hour chat with a 90-year-old woman
0:27:22 > 0:27:26'who is going to show you photos of things that she was doing 50,
0:27:26 > 0:27:31'60, 70 years ago that just completely change your perspective.'
0:27:31 > 0:27:32Cool dress.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Very colourful.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37'I guess I always forget that there's a health benefit to me
0:27:37 > 0:27:40'because I always think of it's just me going to visit to Vera,
0:27:40 > 0:27:42'which has just become normal.'
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Next Sunday's the first Sunday of the month.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49No, I think it's the week after. Tuesday or something.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Every day seems like a Sunday!
0:27:53 > 0:27:56'About a year into running to Vera,
0:27:56 > 0:27:59'she had to fill out this little evaluation form.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01'And she just wrote this really lovely note about how
0:28:01 > 0:28:06'she had said yes to this scheme because she wanted company.
0:28:06 > 0:28:11'But she was really happy because she'd found a friend.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14'You know, when you get to the end of the week,
0:28:14 > 0:28:16'do you feel like you have...
0:28:16 > 0:28:19'in any way contributed to the society you live in?
0:28:21 > 0:28:22'We all have time.
0:28:22 > 0:28:26'You know, you could be a billionaire, or claiming benefits.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28'But you'd both have the same impact on someone's life
0:28:28 > 0:28:33'if you took the time out of your day to give them the company they need.'
0:28:37 > 0:28:39See, David Cameron? Not all joggers are bad.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Thanks very much for watching Good News.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Good night, my friends. Good night!