0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
0:00:21 > 0:00:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Thank you very much, thank you very much.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Hello and welcome to Good News.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33So what's been happening? Here's a tip -
0:00:33 > 0:00:36if you're going for a bike ride, watch where you're going.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39SHE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Christ, have you seen what Sally from South Today
0:00:44 > 0:00:46wants for her birthday?
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Naked butlers and prostitutes.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Jesus! Mind you, at least she knows how to work a cup.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55You know, on the lighter side, Dave, I really...
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Dave gave me a mug...
0:00:57 > 0:00:58SHE GASPS
0:00:58 > 0:00:59DAVE LAUGHS
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Is it me or is this guy on the left
0:01:03 > 0:01:06the happiest man in the world?
0:01:06 > 0:01:08SHE RAPS
0:01:14 > 0:01:18And finally, this has to be THE worst start to a race ever.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21So, get ready. On your marks, get set, John.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23On your marks...
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Go.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29STARTING PISTOL FIRES
0:01:34 > 0:01:37In political news. It's been a bad week for Ed Miliband.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Ed Miliband's approval rating has hit an all-time low
0:01:40 > 0:01:43with a poll suggesting the Labour leader
0:01:43 > 0:01:45is now less popular than Nick Clegg.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49He's less popular than Nick Clegg.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Do you know what this means?
0:01:51 > 0:01:54There's only three things more unpopular than Ed Miliband -
0:01:54 > 0:01:58famine, genocide and this lady.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00LAUGHTER
0:02:02 > 0:02:06So why don't people like him?
0:02:06 > 0:02:07He's a bit bland.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Meh.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11I prefer his brother, really.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12Meh.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15He just doesn't go down right, somehow.
0:02:15 > 0:02:16LAUGHTER
0:02:20 > 0:02:22What the hell's he been up to?
0:02:23 > 0:02:25This lady's not keen on him either.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26I don't like what he did to his brother.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29You don't like what he did to his brother?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Has that put you off? That was four years ago.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34I don't care how long ago it was. Your brother is your brother...
0:02:34 > 0:02:36for ever.
0:02:36 > 0:02:37Did you like his brother?
0:02:37 > 0:02:38Not really.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44"I hate them both! Couple of absolute bell-ends."
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Poor Ed Miliband.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Even members of his own party had a pop.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Ed Miliband is not George Clooney.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53He's not going to bring us millions of voters.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55You're telling me he's not George Clooney.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Every photo he looks like he's sneezing and coming
0:02:58 > 0:02:59at the same time.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:07 > 0:03:10He's just so awkward compared to other leaders.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13I mean, Barack Obama. Barack Obama can go for a jog
0:03:13 > 0:03:16and he still radiates power.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17Look at that.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20When Miliband does it he looks like a beige zombie.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26The main reason he won't get into power is cos he can't connect
0:03:26 > 0:03:27with the man in the street.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31People love Nigel Farage cos he's always having a drink.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35Poor Ed struggles with a cup of tea.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Away from politics.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47Over in America did you see what a nurse suspected of having Ebola did?
0:03:47 > 0:03:50An American nurse who is being monitored for signs of Ebola
0:03:50 > 0:03:52has defied authorities who placed her under quarantine
0:03:52 > 0:03:56and left her home to go on a bike ride.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58She went for a bike ride.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00How tense must that have been?!
0:04:00 > 0:04:02"Hi, guys."
0:04:02 > 0:04:03HE SCREAMS
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- SHOUTING:- "It's that bitch with Ebola!"
0:04:06 > 0:04:07"Morning."
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- SHOUTING:- "Fuck you!"
0:04:09 > 0:04:13We've actually got footage of her cycling into town.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23It wasn't just a nurse's bike rides that made the news.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27These parents win my award for Cruellest Prank of the Year.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33CHILD WAILS
0:04:34 > 0:04:37That's right. That's right.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39For a great, big, jolly laugh,
0:04:39 > 0:04:42they told their son he had Ebola.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47Poor little sod. "Hey, baby, you've got Ebola.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49"Not only that, you're adopted."
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Still, it's hardly any wonder he's so terrified
0:04:53 > 0:04:56given the kind of advice Americans are getting on the news.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00If you came across some strange mucus or faeces or something
0:05:00 > 0:05:03out there on the subway, the street or anywhere else,
0:05:03 > 0:05:05don't eat it.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09That's right, America.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10Don't eat stranger's poo.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Eat your own, by all means, but not a stranger's.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Do people really need to be told not to munch on shit?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22No-one has ever looked at a bit of poo and gone,
0:05:22 > 0:05:24"Oh, it's lovely, that.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26"Oh, that's bad poo, that's bad poo."
0:05:28 > 0:05:31As ever, we're been pretty relaxed about it over here.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34In the UK, you are apparently more likely to die from choking on food,
0:05:34 > 0:05:36slipping on ice,
0:05:36 > 0:05:38or falling out of bed.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Exactly! They reckon at most they'll be a couple of cases.
0:05:41 > 0:05:46I mean, Ebola is definitely not going to arrive here at the BBC.
0:05:46 > 0:05:51It is the first time in the DEC's 50-year history that it's...
0:05:51 > 0:05:53- VOICE BREAKS:- ..looked for money.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- I'm so sorry... - SHE COUGHS
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Let's get more from Mike Wooldridge.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03HE SCREAMS
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Leg it!
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Save yourselves!
0:06:08 > 0:06:10HE SCREAMS
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Now I love this country of ours sometimes.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20America has been dealing with Ebola,
0:06:20 > 0:06:23what's been the biggest health story over here?
0:06:23 > 0:06:26The world's first national sperm bank opens today in Birmingham.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Forget Ebola. We've built a wank bank.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33We have a national sperm bank.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36I cannot wait to see their adverts.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38The Grabby National.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40The bank that likes to say YES!
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Imagine that a cartoon man in the background...
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Sorry.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56I've ruined that advert for you now.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Did you see...?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04That is the silliest joke I've ever told.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Did you see why the sperm bank's been set up?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09There's a national donor shortage.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13Last year, 586 men registered to donate,
0:07:13 > 0:07:16down on the 631 in 2012.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18We've got no donors left.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Apparently, we're running out of British sperm.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24How?
0:07:24 > 0:07:26My brother is chucking the stuff away.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Honestly, he's getting rid of it hand over fist.
0:07:39 > 0:07:44What I want to know - how can you tell if sperm is British?
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Do you know what I mean? What does it look like? This?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49- After you.- No, after you.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- No, no, I insist. - No, I insist, dear chap.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Seriously, I must refuse...
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya!
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Oh, bollocks!
0:07:58 > 0:08:02From British sperm to a ridiculous attempt to deal with mental illness.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06GPs in England are to be paid £55 every time they diagnose
0:08:06 > 0:08:09a case of dementia. The payments are intended to increase
0:08:09 > 0:08:11the number of people receiving treatment.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15They're going to give doctors 55 quid for spotting dementia.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Do you know how much that is?
0:08:17 > 0:08:20That's two 27.50s, you son of a bitch.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22It's madness.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Doctors are going to be taking the piss.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27He can't speak, he's drooling everywhere,
0:08:27 > 0:08:30no bowel control whatsoever...
0:08:30 > 0:08:33it's definitely dementia.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34LAUGHTER
0:08:37 > 0:08:40That isn't the only shocking health story in the news.
0:08:40 > 0:08:41Did you read about this?
0:08:45 > 0:08:49Every single day, four ambulance workers across London get beaten up.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52What kind of a moron attacks an ambulance driver?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55"Stop...helping...me!"
0:08:56 > 0:08:58When did they become the scourge of society?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Are there blokes in pubs...
0:09:00 > 0:09:03"Bloody paramedics, turning up at accidents, saving lives.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05"They make me sick.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07"And then they make me better.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11"I tell you who else pisses me off - firemen.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13"If they slide down a pole, they're heroes.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15"If I watch a woman do that, I'm a pervert."
0:09:18 > 0:09:22It's horrific. Look what some of them have to put up with.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Who were they rescuing, this guy?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32They're on about giving them cameras
0:09:32 > 0:09:34so they can catch the people that do it.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Sod that! Give them tranquilisers and a pineapple.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Knock them out, ram the pineapple up their arse,
0:09:40 > 0:09:42drop them off at the X-ray department
0:09:42 > 0:09:44and let them explain their way out of that.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48"It's one of my five a day!
0:09:48 > 0:09:49"Get in there."
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Over in America, did you see this guy?
0:09:57 > 0:10:02A tightrope walker Nik Wallenda has broken two world records overnight
0:10:02 > 0:10:04with two death-defying high wire walks
0:10:04 > 0:10:09between Chicago skyscrapers without a safety net or a harness.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13If that was me, I would be actually shitting myself.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14Actually shitting myself.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17And cos they're American, the crowd would start eating it,
0:10:17 > 0:10:21it would be an Ebola nightmare.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25"No!
0:10:25 > 0:10:26"You're going to die."
0:10:28 > 0:10:30So you're probably thinking he left it at that.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Oh, no, look what he did next.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35He took two walks. The first saw him walking
0:10:35 > 0:10:37at a 19-degree incline.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39For the second, he was blindfolded.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43"Hey, fellas, this shit's too easy. Fetch my blindfold.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46"And when you're down there, get me a wheelbarrow.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48"Why? For my massive balls, is for why!"
0:10:50 > 0:10:53"I'm going to walk these massive spuds of mine across.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00"My balls is so big and they've got so much balance."
0:11:02 > 0:11:05It's an incredible achievement, cos keeping your balance
0:11:05 > 0:11:06isn't always easy.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09It's a natural thing, of course. I could work out all day.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Obviously I'm a...
0:11:11 > 0:11:12an ex-athlete myself.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17Now, from an incredible stunt to a stupid runt.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Did you see what this bloke did for a laugh?
0:11:20 > 0:11:24An Australian man has risked his life to surf a dead whale.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28The man, known only as Harrison, dived from a boat
0:11:28 > 0:11:29and climbed on to the whale carcass
0:11:29 > 0:11:31while sharks were circling.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33They're calling him the Whale Surfer.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37Surely they should call him Moby Dickhead.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38Damn right.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Imagine David Attenborough covering that.
0:11:40 > 0:11:45"Here we see the mighty whale, ridden by an absolute tosser."
0:11:45 > 0:11:50Mind you, riding a whale is nothing. Have a look at the costume
0:11:50 > 0:11:53an Aussie Rules player wore to a charity ball.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55You're not going to believe this.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Have a look at what he wore.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01The Melbourne Football Club says it will punish two of its players
0:12:01 > 0:12:03who dressed up as Rolf Harris and a little girl
0:12:03 > 0:12:05at Mad Monday celebrations.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11What?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13What was he thinking?
0:12:13 > 0:12:18He went to a charity party dressed as a convicted paedophile.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20I bet the locals were outraged.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21What a joker!
0:12:21 > 0:12:22HE LAUGHS
0:12:22 > 0:12:23LAUGHTER FROM STUDIO
0:12:25 > 0:12:27How did this happen?
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Do you reckon he got stitched up by his mates?
0:12:29 > 0:12:32"'Yeah, mate. No, yeah...' Shut up, he's on the phone.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34"'No, dress as Rolf Harris, mate.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36"'Yeah, no, I'm going as Jimmy Savile.'
0:12:36 > 0:12:38"Shut up, shut up.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42"'No, no, don't take a taxi, walk through town, yeah.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46"'Yeah, mate, we'll meet you outside the school. Yeah.'
0:12:46 > 0:12:47"He's doing it!"
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Check out this guy's weird hobby.
0:12:54 > 0:12:59My name's Peter Fletcher, and I've been keeping a record
0:12:59 > 0:13:01of all of my sneezes
0:13:01 > 0:13:03for over seven years.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06In that time, I've sneezed a little over 4,000 times.
0:13:06 > 0:13:11That's right. He keeps a diary recording every sneeze he does.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14I guarantee his nose is the only thing getting blown in his life.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18Imagine his wife's diary.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21"March 5th, bless you. March 6th, bless you.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23"March 7th, I'm leaving."
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Recording your sneezes. Does it get duller than that?
0:13:27 > 0:13:29He's even got a favourite.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31I've got a few favourite sneezes.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35I think the first one that comes to mind is sneeze number 42.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Marquee, Norfolk.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40Strong.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41Looking at quiche.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45How can that be your favourite sneeze?
0:13:45 > 0:13:47My favourite sneeze is definitely this.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48Give me a kiss.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49BABY SNEEZES
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Right in the kisser.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Now, this is where I get the chance to interview
0:13:59 > 0:14:01someone from the news that I find fascinating.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05Tonight's special guest is one of Britain's greatest living reporters.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09For over 40 years, John Simpson has risked his life
0:14:09 > 0:14:15to cover some of the world's most violent and tumultuous events.
0:14:15 > 0:14:20'I don't go to Iraq or to Afghanistan or to Zimbabwe
0:14:20 > 0:14:24'because it's risky. I go there because the risk
0:14:24 > 0:14:26'makes it difficult to report on.'
0:14:26 > 0:14:30This is just a scene from hell here. There's bodies lying around,
0:14:30 > 0:14:32there's bits of bodies on the ground.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35But there's got to be a purpose. The purpose is not just to,
0:14:35 > 0:14:38kind of...
0:14:38 > 0:14:39stick my head above the parapet
0:14:39 > 0:14:42so lots of idiots will shoot it,
0:14:42 > 0:14:45because I don't want to end up with a bullet through the head.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49I've just been speaking to the American Special Forces...
0:14:49 > 0:14:53John Simpson has been very nearly killed at least once
0:14:53 > 0:14:54in a foreign war.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57He consistently goes back into very dangerous situations,
0:14:57 > 0:15:00whether it's Zimbabwe or Afghanistan.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03It's amazing the company you keep on trips like this, you know?
0:15:03 > 0:15:06And I respect him hugely for that.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only John Simpson.
0:15:09 > 0:15:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:14 > 0:15:17You're a very dapper chap, if you don't mind me saying.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- There's no answer to that, is there? - There absolutely isn't.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24Couldn't you find some better word than "dapper", for God's sake?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26You're a horny, horny son of a bitch.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:15:30 > 0:15:33I've been reading up about you, it's fascinating.
0:15:33 > 0:15:34Your first day at work,
0:15:34 > 0:15:38- you had an incident with the then Prime Minister, didn't you?- I did.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Tell us what happened, it's amazing. First day.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45It was 1970, if you can imagine such a thing.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49The newspaper's full of the idea that Harold Wilson, Prime Minister,
0:15:49 > 0:15:51was going to call an election.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54I step forward, I was working for radio, stepped forward,
0:15:54 > 0:15:56my microphone, tape recorder.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58"Excuse me, Prime Minister," I said,
0:15:58 > 0:16:01"There's a lot of speculation that you're going to call an election
0:16:01 > 0:16:03"and I just wondered whether this was true."
0:16:03 > 0:16:05I didn't really get that far.
0:16:05 > 0:16:10In fact, all I got to was to say, "Excuse me, Pri..."
0:16:10 > 0:16:15When he exploded with rage, grabbed the microphone out of my hand,
0:16:15 > 0:16:17punched me really hard in the stomach.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21He wasn't really very much of a Prime Minister,
0:16:21 > 0:16:23but he had a good right hook.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Wow.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- If that happened to David Cameron... - I wish.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31..are you confident you could take Cameron down?
0:16:31 > 0:16:35I'm a nasty so-and-so.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38You're a biter. You look like a biter.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Not a biter, but a puncher. And a head-butt-er.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44Wow!
0:16:44 > 0:16:46When you work with the Taliban, you know,
0:16:46 > 0:16:48you have to do these things.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Isn't that an amazing thing?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Who...? That's why I love you.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Who gets to say a sentence like that?
0:16:59 > 0:17:00"I'm good at head-butting.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03"When you work with the Taliban, you have to be."
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Absolute balls, of course,
0:17:05 > 0:17:08cos I've never head-butted a Taliban in my life.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09- No, I have.- OK.
0:17:09 > 0:17:10LAUGHTER
0:17:11 > 0:17:15- Well, it wasn't a real... - What happen? They nick your mojito?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18No, I have. I've punched a Talib.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21OK, it's interesting talking about the Taliban.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23You've interviewed a whole host of dictators.
0:17:23 > 0:17:24- Loonies.- Loonies, absolutely.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Who is the maddest dictator that you've interviewed,
0:17:27 > 0:17:31cos you've interviewed Gaddafi and Saddam Hussein.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35There was a bloke called the Emperor Bokassa
0:17:35 > 0:17:38in the Central African empire.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42He was... He was clearly completely loopy.
0:17:42 > 0:17:47He was in exile in France and I went to see him there.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48His house was full of pictures.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52The only subject in the pictures was Napoleon.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56So he must have had about 300 pictures of Napoleon.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Oh, no, there was a picture of him as well.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59- Right.- Dressed as Napoleon.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- He ate the leader of the opposition. - He ate him?!
0:18:05 > 0:18:09Well, he was put on trial and his cook said that every time
0:18:09 > 0:18:11he was feeling down in the dumps,
0:18:11 > 0:18:15he'd order a slice off the leader of the opposition, who was dead.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19The body was in the fridge.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Wow. That would really change Prime Minister's Question Time
0:18:22 > 0:18:24over here, wouldn't it?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Just having a bit of Miliband.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Yeah, what kind of sauce do you want? Stuff like that.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33I'd have Ed Miliband with piri-piri sauce, I think.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35- Well, it'd liven him up. - Absolutely, yes.
0:18:37 > 0:18:38APPLAUSE
0:18:41 > 0:18:44From all the places you've been, what have you learnt
0:18:44 > 0:18:47most from travelling around this world of ours.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49- Do you want the real answer?- Yeah.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55People are really nice and decent.
0:18:55 > 0:19:03If you can just touch that inner decency in people,
0:19:03 > 0:19:05you'll always be fine.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10I'm a much nicer person, you know, everything used to irritate me
0:19:10 > 0:19:12and I used to shout at people and yell at people.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14What winds you up?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Being ignored.
0:19:16 > 0:19:21Not because I feel I am so important, but just I think it's rude.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Do you know what I hate?
0:19:23 > 0:19:26When you've ordered food, you're with a mate, says he's not hungry.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28- Food arrives, he's got his hand on your plate.- I know.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32- Chips.- Chips.- It's the chips. They go for the chips, don't they?
0:19:33 > 0:19:37That's true. That's true the world over. The Amazonian Indians do that.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39They nick your chips?
0:19:39 > 0:19:41LAUGHTER
0:19:41 > 0:19:43They would do.
0:19:43 > 0:19:44They would do if I'd had chips.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Is this around the time that you were in the jungle
0:19:47 > 0:19:49and you experimented with drugs?
0:19:49 > 0:19:53- Yeah. Should we say experimented with drugs?- Had a shitload of?
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Er... LAUGHTER
0:19:55 > 0:19:57How do you want to put it?
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- Shouldn't I get on to my lawyer about this?- No...
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- I didn't experiment with drugs. I was in this village.- Yes.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05And, yes, it was two different types of herb,
0:20:05 > 0:20:09or a kind of bark and leaves and all that sort of stuff.
0:20:09 > 0:20:14They stuck it in a pot, boiled it up and they dished it out.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18And I said, "Oh, how nice. Oh, yes."
0:20:18 > 0:20:22- And took a little sort of sip, like that.- Yeah, yeah.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26- And they all stood round and they'd got bows and arrows.- Yes.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30And it became clear that actually just taking a sip wasn't enough.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32So I had to down the whole thing.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36Oh, my God, so there were people with bows and arrows going,
0:20:36 > 0:20:37"Down it! Down it!"
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- In the middle of the jungle.- Yes. - And what happened?
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Well, I started seeing the weirdest things.
0:20:44 > 0:20:49I saw a six-foot goldfish that came over...
0:20:49 > 0:20:51I promise you this is true.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52Why would you lie?
0:20:52 > 0:20:57- It had a straw hat on.- It was a folk goldfish, it makes sense.
0:20:57 > 0:21:02So the six-foot goldfish with the straw hat, yes,
0:21:02 > 0:21:07put his fin around my shoulder and said, "How's it going, man?"
0:21:08 > 0:21:11- Wow!- So I thought...
0:21:11 > 0:21:13I've had enough.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:18 > 0:21:22What an absolute pleasure. Thank you so much for being on my show.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23Thank you.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Ladies and gentlemen, Mr John Simpson.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Next up, this is brilliant.
0:21:33 > 0:21:38There's a Croatian man who people claim can cure them just by staring.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41- Do you want to see him? - AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:21:41 > 0:21:42You know you do.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44They weren't standing in line to see Madonna
0:21:44 > 0:21:46or looking to buy the latest iPhone.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49These fans came for something else -
0:21:49 > 0:21:53to be front and centre so this man can stare at them.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56NEW AGE MUSIC
0:22:23 > 0:22:25How do they not laugh?
0:22:25 > 0:22:28He looks like a constipated chipmunk.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33Have you seen the mind-blowing things his fans claim he can do.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Ah-ah-ah-ah!
0:22:41 > 0:22:42This is my favourite.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50I'd love to see that miracle. "Look into my eyes, just the eyes. Just...
0:22:52 > 0:22:55"..just the eyes, just look at the eyes!
0:22:55 > 0:22:59"Oh, look, you've gone and got yourself pregnant...
0:22:59 > 0:23:02"because of my magical eyes."
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Mind you, I'm just jealous.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09I'm just jealous because for a while I was in the staring miracle game.
0:23:09 > 0:23:15I was. But my lazy eyes caused a few problems.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17NEW AGE MUSIC
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Nice one, you wonky-eyed twat!
0:23:40 > 0:23:43APPLAUSE
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Next up, have you heard the latest news about Michael Jackson?
0:23:48 > 0:23:51The king of pop wrote many songs about many things -
0:23:51 > 0:23:54from people he met, to saving the planet,
0:23:54 > 0:23:56to zombies.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00But now a previously undiscovered Michael Jackson song
0:24:00 > 0:24:02has come to light on the internet.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05It was written ten years ago and it's about...
0:24:07 > 0:24:09..Gloucestershire.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12That's right. Michael Jackson wrote a song about Gloucester!
0:24:12 > 0:24:13Imagine that.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15# Gloucester, Gloucester you're the best
0:24:15 > 0:24:17# Pasties, dogging and Fred West. #
0:24:17 > 0:24:19LAUGHTER
0:24:19 > 0:24:21# It don't matter if you're white or white. #
0:24:21 > 0:24:22LAUGHTER
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Wouldn't it be great if we found out all his songs came from Gloucester.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33Some old bloke - "I'm Billie Jean and I weren't his lover!"
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Some woman writing in her own shit -
0:24:36 > 0:24:39"Hello! I'm Dirty Diana!
0:24:39 > 0:24:41"The colours!"
0:24:42 > 0:24:45To be honest, the song's only the tip of the iceberg.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47We believe he's not dead. He's in our chippy, actually.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49That's right.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Michael Jackson is working in a chip shop.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54I really wish that was true.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57# I'm talking to the man in the chippy! #
0:24:58 > 0:25:00"Oi, Jacko! Where's my saveloy?"
0:25:00 > 0:25:01HE GIGGLES
0:25:01 > 0:25:03LAUGHTER
0:25:03 > 0:25:05This is the silliest joke I've ever done.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08# It's on the griller!
0:25:08 > 0:25:09# Griller now! #
0:25:09 > 0:25:11APPLAUSE
0:25:14 > 0:25:15God bless...
0:25:15 > 0:25:17God bless local news.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Did they get the original song?
0:25:18 > 0:25:21No. They got this local nutter to sing it.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24# I wish we'd see you in Gloucestershire
0:25:24 > 0:25:27# I wish to see you in Gloucestershire
0:25:27 > 0:25:29# I wish to see...
0:25:29 > 0:25:31# You in Gloucestershire
0:25:31 > 0:25:33# Again. #
0:25:33 > 0:25:34It sounds rubbish.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37It's awful.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Mind you, it's not the worst pop impersonator I've seen.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Check out this lady's costume change from Greece's
0:25:42 > 0:25:45version of Stars In Their Eyes.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47SHE SPEAKS GREEK
0:25:50 > 0:25:51..Stevie Wonder.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06One! Two! One, two, three, four!
0:26:13 > 0:26:17What part of her brain thought that was OK?
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Not that it was the worst musical performance of the week.
0:26:20 > 0:26:25Did anyone else see Wayne Rooney dueting with Ed Sheeran?
0:26:25 > 0:26:27OFF-KEY: # Words have two meanings
0:26:27 > 0:26:30# There's something on my mind... #
0:26:32 > 0:26:34HE SCREAMS
0:26:36 > 0:26:38LEG IT!
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Finally tonight, a wonderful story about a soldier
0:26:45 > 0:26:47and a boy he met in Bosnia.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55A decade ago, Stefan Savic from Bosnia had just had
0:26:55 > 0:26:58life-changing surgery to help repair a severe facial deformity.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Thank you.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03A thank-you kiss for Wayne Ingram was a great moment, for it was
0:27:03 > 0:27:07Wayne who set about raising the thousands of pounds to get
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Stefan to England and Great Ormond Street Hospital,
0:27:10 > 0:27:12after spotting the little boy while
0:27:12 > 0:27:14out on patrol there as a soldier.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Before we knew it, we had £15,000.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20I came back to the UK and just literally as soon as
0:27:20 > 0:27:23I mentioned it to the people of Weymouth, Portland, Dorchester,
0:27:23 > 0:27:26all around Dorset, the money started flooding in.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29I was still working with ASDA at the time.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31I put buckets at the end of tills.
0:27:31 > 0:27:35All these people were putting their hands in their pockets
0:27:35 > 0:27:37and just giving money all the time.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Ten years on and Wayne has done it again
0:27:39 > 0:27:42to raise the money for Stefan's latest operation.
0:27:42 > 0:27:48In total, he's collected more than £130,000 to help change
0:27:48 > 0:27:49Stefan's life for the better.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52They had that bond immediately, him and Wayne,
0:27:52 > 0:27:54and all these ten years they have been in contact
0:27:54 > 0:28:00and we always knew that he is having his other surgery after ten years.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02He considers Wayne a really good friend.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06I was the lucky guy to be in the wrong place at the right time
0:28:06 > 0:28:09and to meet a truly outstanding and amazing young man.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12I mean, Stefan...Stefan's come through all of his operations
0:28:12 > 0:28:14and not once has he complained.
0:28:14 > 0:28:20He's an amazing young chap who's going to go on to a fantastic life.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23- APPLAUSE - Exactly. What an absolute dude.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Thanks very much for watching Good News.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Good night, my friends. Good night!