0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
0:00:23 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Hello! And welcome to Good News.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34So, what's been happening?
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Hey, did anyone else see that guy mistakenly lean in for a kiss?
0:00:38 > 0:00:41- Hi, nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42LAUGHTER
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Boris Johnson revealed what he saw when he took acid.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48A three-toed sloth or a one eyed pterodactyl.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50LAUGHTER
0:00:50 > 0:00:54Over at BBC Politics, someone did a shit in Andrew Neil's mug.
0:00:54 > 0:00:55- WOMAN:- Politics in Scotland...
0:00:55 > 0:00:57LAUGHTER
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Here's a bit of advice - if you're going to take a photo,
0:01:00 > 0:01:02watch where you're going.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04SHE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
0:01:06 > 0:01:09LAUGHTER
0:01:09 > 0:01:10And finally, I think all the partying
0:01:10 > 0:01:13has really taken its toll on Harry Styles.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14We thought, instantly, let's...
0:01:14 > 0:01:16LAUGHTER
0:01:16 > 0:01:17APPLAUSE
0:01:19 > 0:01:20Over in America,
0:01:20 > 0:01:23the big story this week was the US mid-term elections.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Barack Obama has woken up to a disastrous result
0:01:25 > 0:01:27in America's mid-term elections.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30His Democratic party lost big, or as one US pundit put it...
0:01:30 > 0:01:33The Democrats got their butts kicked.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35This makes him a lame-duck president.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Nothing tells the story more vividly than this.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40He is left with little to no legislative power.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Something of a lame duck.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43In the blink of an eye,
0:01:43 > 0:01:47the most powerful man in the world has become history.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48HE SIGHS
0:01:48 > 0:01:49LAUGHTER
0:01:51 > 0:01:52Poor Obama.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55He's in power but he has no power.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Hmm. Who does that remind me of?
0:01:59 > 0:02:00LAUGHTER
0:02:00 > 0:02:02What I want to know is,
0:02:02 > 0:02:06how did Obama lose power to people like this?
0:02:06 > 0:02:07I'm Joni Ernst.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10I grew up castrating hogs on an Iowa farm
0:02:10 > 0:02:12so when I get to Washington,
0:02:12 > 0:02:14I'll know how to cut pork.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15PIG SQUEALS
0:02:15 > 0:02:16LAUGHTER
0:02:16 > 0:02:19"Vote for me, America!
0:02:19 > 0:02:21"I can rip off pigs' nuts!"
0:02:23 > 0:02:25That woman is now in the US Senate.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27She doesn't belong in politics,
0:02:27 > 0:02:29she belongs in a fucking butchers!
0:02:30 > 0:02:34Imagine that over here! How sinister would that be?
0:02:34 > 0:02:35"Vote for me.
0:02:35 > 0:02:36"Because when I was little,
0:02:36 > 0:02:39"I chopped off a Chihuahua's dick."
0:02:39 > 0:02:40LAUGHTER
0:02:42 > 0:02:44AUDIENCE GROAN
0:02:44 > 0:02:45It wasn't just her.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Fair to say, in America, they like their politicians pretty simple.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I believe in God.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52I'm not Barack Obama.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57We're Republicans, we should be better than that.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Bibles and guns brought us here
0:02:59 > 0:03:02and Bibles and guns will keep us here.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03LAUGHTER
0:03:05 > 0:03:08They're like psychotic Forrest Gumps.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10"I ain't never done no thinking!"
0:03:12 > 0:03:14"Vote for me, America.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17"I can't read and I got me a boom-boom stick!"
0:03:17 > 0:03:19LAUGHTER
0:03:22 > 0:03:25I've saved the maddest candidate for last.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Check out this guy.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28Hi, I'm Bob. I'm running.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Running for Iowa's open seat in the US Senate.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Seems like a nice bloke.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38I wonder what else he's got to say.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40If you are the sexual predator and sociopath
0:03:40 > 0:03:42who murdered my sister Lynette
0:03:42 > 0:03:45and you come to my front door to do harm to my girls,
0:03:45 > 0:03:47I'm going to use my Glock
0:03:47 > 0:03:48to blow your balls off.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50LAUGHTER
0:03:50 > 0:03:51APPLAUSE
0:03:58 > 0:04:01He's the friendliest psycho ever.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Imagine what the rest of that advert looks like.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05"If you try and break into my house,
0:04:05 > 0:04:08"I'll rip your skin off and wear it like a dress.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13"If you put your rubbish in my wheelie bin, I'll kill your dog.
0:04:16 > 0:04:17So, what else?
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Well, we couldn't do a bit about Obama without mentioning this guy.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Mr Long-legged Mack Daddy. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:23 > 0:04:27That's right. That's right.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Now, in case you're new to the show,
0:04:30 > 0:04:32that is Pastor Manning
0:04:32 > 0:04:34and he is a lunatic.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Most people are upset with Obama because of the economy.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40Have a look what he accused the President of doing.
0:04:40 > 0:04:45Encouraging more black men to come out of the closet.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47And so we have taken direct action
0:04:47 > 0:04:50here at the Atlah World Missionary Church
0:04:50 > 0:04:54by posting up on our announcement board outside these words.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05LAUGHTER
0:05:05 > 0:05:07That's right.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09That's right. He reckons Barack Obama
0:05:09 > 0:05:11has been releasing homo demons!
0:05:12 > 0:05:14What? Like he's sat in the White House -
0:05:14 > 0:05:17"Hmm, shall I deal with the Middle East?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20"No. Release the knob-goblins!"
0:05:20 > 0:05:21LAUGHTER
0:05:24 > 0:05:26What the hell is a homo demon?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29What, are there bright red creatures going around Washington?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31- GRUFF:- "We're taking you to hell...
0:05:31 > 0:05:33- CAMP:- "..on rollerblades!"
0:05:33 > 0:05:34LAUGHTER
0:05:37 > 0:05:41"Watch out, guys! I'm feeling horny!"
0:05:41 > 0:05:42LAUGHTER
0:05:44 > 0:05:45Homo demons(!)
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Just when you think Pastor Manning can't get any crazier,
0:05:48 > 0:05:51he started offering advice to black women
0:05:51 > 0:05:54on how to deal with the homo demon.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Black women, let me say something to you.
0:05:57 > 0:06:02You have a very hard time competing against a white homosexual male.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04He's usually got money,
0:06:04 > 0:06:07a white homo usually has an American Express card.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10He usually has an opportunity at the theatre.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Homos love the theatre, they love to go out to dinner parties,
0:06:13 > 0:06:15they love that kind of a thing.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18And, as a black woman, you can't compete.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20LAUGHTER
0:06:20 > 0:06:23"You can't compete with that, sisters!
0:06:23 > 0:06:27"Barack Obama has created theatre-loving dick pixies
0:06:27 > 0:06:29"and they're gon' steal your man."
0:06:30 > 0:06:32He's such a moron.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Are there really black guys in America -
0:06:34 > 0:06:36"Why did I leave my woman?"
0:06:36 > 0:06:38HE SNIFFS
0:06:38 > 0:06:41"Cos she never took me to see Mamma Mia."
0:06:41 > 0:06:42LAUGHTER
0:06:46 > 0:06:49"Just once I want to see the Lion King!"
0:06:51 > 0:06:55In UK politics, it's been another tough week for this guy.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59Ed Miliband is facing the toughest challenge to his leadership to date.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02There are reports that 20 front-bench Labour MPs
0:07:02 > 0:07:04are poised to call for his resignation.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07His own party want him out. There was even a...
0:07:11 > 0:07:14We've actually got footage of the firework they lit outside his house.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20LAUGHTER
0:07:21 > 0:07:23It wasn't just Ed making the news.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Did you hear the latest about tax?
0:07:31 > 0:07:33You don't need to read the letter.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36I already know what MPs have been spending our money on.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38One album by Dire Straits.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39Trips to Saudi Arabia.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41- I'm travelling to China. - A deflated mattress.
0:07:41 > 0:07:424,000 cars.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43Two passports.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- Illegal behaviour.- Green crap.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- Ticky-tacky boxes.- Angry Birds.
0:07:48 > 0:07:49- My hair.- Smirnoff.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50- Sea food.- Prostitutes.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52- Tennis.- Alcohol.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53- Transit van.- My mother.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- Champagne.- Beer.- The theatre.- Sex.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56And let's be clear...
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Two million cucumbers.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00LAUGHTER
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- APPLAUSE - That's right.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Now, away from politics, it's been a huge week of news.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12We've had Remembrance Sunday, Ebola in Belfast.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14So, with that in mind,
0:08:14 > 0:08:17what was the front page of the Daily Mail on Monday?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19HE SCREAMS HEADLINE
0:08:22 > 0:08:26Noooooo!
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Why?!
0:08:31 > 0:08:34MUSIC: Adagio For Strings by Samuel Barber
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Noooo!
0:08:45 > 0:08:46According to the Daily Mail,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49people in Britain can't make sandwiches any more.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51So how did people respond?
0:08:51 > 0:08:55They took the piss and bombarded the paper with pictures like this.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58LAUGHTER
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Others got creative.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02LAUGHTER
0:09:02 > 0:09:04And then one genius did this.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07LAUGHTER
0:09:07 > 0:09:10God bless you wonderful people.
0:09:10 > 0:09:11Elsewhere this week,
0:09:11 > 0:09:13now, you know Christmas is coming
0:09:13 > 0:09:15when the news starts talking about this.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Yesterday, John Lewis launched its ad on social media.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19It's caused a big buzz again.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23It stars a young boy and his friend, Monty the penguin.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26The campaign was an online worldwide trend by the end of the day.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Did you see it?
0:09:28 > 0:09:30It's magical.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32MUSIC: Real Love by Tom Odell
0:09:32 > 0:09:35# Just like little girls and boys
0:09:37 > 0:09:41# Playing with their little toys
0:09:43 > 0:09:47# Seems like all we really were doing
0:09:48 > 0:09:52# Was waiting for love
0:09:55 > 0:09:59# Don't need to be alone
0:10:01 > 0:10:05# Don't need to be alone
0:10:08 > 0:10:11# It's real love
0:10:11 > 0:10:14# It's real
0:10:14 > 0:10:17# It's real love
0:10:17 > 0:10:19# It's real
0:10:19 > 0:10:21# Love
0:10:30 > 0:10:33# It's real love
0:10:33 > 0:10:36# It's real
0:10:36 > 0:10:39# It's real love... #
0:10:39 > 0:10:42HE WAILS
0:10:42 > 0:10:45HE BABBLES
0:10:46 > 0:10:50It's the most amazing thing I've ever seen!
0:10:50 > 0:10:54Do you know the best thing? Do you know the really good thing?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56We've actually got the director's cut
0:10:56 > 0:10:59of what happened next with those sweet, sweet penguins.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00LAUGHTER
0:11:00 > 0:11:03# It's real love
0:11:03 > 0:11:06# It's real
0:11:06 > 0:11:09# It's real love. #
0:11:09 > 0:11:11THEY HOOT AND GRUNT
0:11:11 > 0:11:13LAUGHTER
0:11:13 > 0:11:14APPLAUSE
0:11:22 > 0:11:23HE LAUGHS
0:11:26 > 0:11:29I can't believe I did that to the John Lewis advert.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:35 > 0:11:38In education news, did you hear about this?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Poor behaviour in classrooms in England
0:11:40 > 0:11:42is damaging children's education.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45That's according to a new Ofsted report that's published today.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47You're telling me!
0:11:50 > 0:11:52LAUGHTER
0:11:52 > 0:11:54APPLAUSE
0:11:58 > 0:11:59I tell you what,
0:11:59 > 0:12:03if bad behaviour makes you thick then the kid that answered this exam
0:12:03 > 0:12:06must've been in a really unruly classroom.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12LAUGHTER
0:12:17 > 0:12:18This is even worse.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Poor kids, right?
0:12:28 > 0:12:30It gets weirder.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Have you seen the latest course being offered at Harvard University?
0:12:39 > 0:12:43You can now do a university course in anal sex.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44I applied...
0:12:44 > 0:12:46but I couldn't get in.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48LAUGHTER
0:12:48 > 0:12:49APPLAUSE
0:12:56 > 0:12:59I accidentally slipped into the wrong lecture hall.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Apparently it's a very difficult course at first
0:13:05 > 0:13:07but once you get going it's a lot easier.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14The only problem - I hear there's a lot of drop-outs.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16LAUGHTER
0:13:16 > 0:13:17APPLAUSE
0:13:22 > 0:13:25My guest this evening is an amazing wildlife cameraman.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28He's the world expert on polar bears and he's travelled the world
0:13:28 > 0:13:30with David Attenborough, filming incredible animals.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33He's brilliant and his name is Doug Allan.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: - Capturing animal behaviour
0:13:35 > 0:13:38in this extreme and sometimes hostile place
0:13:38 > 0:13:41takes a very special kind of wildlife cameraman.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47And, for me, they don't come much more special than Doug Allan.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49HE LAUGHS
0:13:49 > 0:13:50I must be mad.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56I've had the extraordinary luck working with Doug over many years.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01There's just no-one else who knows these frozen worlds
0:14:01 > 0:14:04and their unique wildlife as he does.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Thank you very much.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14Doug, thank you very much for coming on the show.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16- My pleasure.- You've brought us so much joy down the years.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Like all that...
0:14:18 > 0:14:20You've spent months in the Arctic,
0:14:20 > 0:14:24waiting for polar bears to pop out and we get to see the edit.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Yeah, sometimes it can be, you know, weeks and weeks.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28My worst one was actually,
0:14:28 > 0:14:32there was snow leopards that I went after for Planet Earth.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35I spent 11 weeks looking for snow leopards
0:14:35 > 0:14:37and I saw one for one hour
0:14:37 > 0:14:41and it was asleep for 50 minutes of that hour.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43And did you think of sort of prodding it with a stick?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Going, "Come on, mate, you're on telly. Jazz it up."
0:14:46 > 0:14:49I was keeping my distance. I was keeping my distance.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Are you not scared when you're with polar bears?
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Cos presumably you're filming,
0:14:55 > 0:14:57it's all white, the only thing you can see is a little black nose.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Well, you must admit, the one thing with a polar bear,
0:15:00 > 0:15:02you can't hide from a polar bear.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04That sounds like a challenge.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07That's true.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10And the Inuit, when you're filming, the Inuit have got this great saying.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14They always say, "Just remember, it's not the polar bear you can see
0:15:14 > 0:15:17"that's going to get you." So you're looking at this one
0:15:17 > 0:15:21and there's one coming round the back and thinking about attacking you.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Because they do. Every year, two or three people
0:15:23 > 0:15:26get eaten in the Arctic by polar bears.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27What, they work in pairs?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31"You go round the front, do a bit of a dance,
0:15:31 > 0:15:33"they'll think they've got a good bit for telly,
0:15:33 > 0:15:35"and then I'll come round and eat him."
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Well, sometimes there can be two or three.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Usually they're solitary but occasionally they will come together.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43And they're pretty hairy.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45But, you know, that's what makes them exciting -
0:15:45 > 0:15:48the fact that they might just eat you.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49LAUGHTER
0:15:51 > 0:15:53You sound like my brother on Tinder.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54LAUGHTER
0:15:54 > 0:15:56APPLAUSE
0:15:59 > 0:16:01What I love about the job that you do for us,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03and it's a real public service, because we can all remember the
0:16:03 > 0:16:06moment of David Attenborough with the gorillas, fascinating moment,
0:16:06 > 0:16:09but there's also lovely, hilarious moments like this.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Have you seen this clip before? It's wonderful. Have a look.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18LAUGHTER
0:16:18 > 0:16:20That is just a magnificent thing to see.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24Just the time it must've taken to make the entire nation laugh
0:16:24 > 0:16:28cos it does honestly look like the squirrel's going, "Oh, shit!"
0:16:28 > 0:16:29LAUGHTER
0:16:29 > 0:16:31- "Time to go, time to go."- Yeah.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34You know, we were, a friend of mine, Jason and I,
0:16:34 > 0:16:37we were working in a hut in Svalbard and we'd been there a long time,
0:16:37 > 0:16:40waiting for these polar bears to come out of the den,
0:16:40 > 0:16:44and I looked and for a split second I thought,
0:16:44 > 0:16:46"Somebody's got a squeegee on the windows,
0:16:46 > 0:16:48"it's just like a chamois leather."
0:16:48 > 0:16:52And I turned round and it was a bear's nose against the window.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54HE SQUEAKS Like this.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56The bear's nose was flat against the window
0:16:56 > 0:16:59and we had the lights on inside and it was dark outside
0:16:59 > 0:17:02and it was like the bear was there looking at us, thinking,
0:17:02 > 0:17:03"What's going on in here?"
0:17:03 > 0:17:06We turned round and, "Oh, there's a bear out there."
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Wow. Presumably, at that moment - "Nothing to see here.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14"Just two people that probably taste horrible."
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Well, later that night, we chased away that bear...
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- You chased a bear away?- Well... - That's the big part of the story!
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- That's... How do you do that?- Well, you just...- Just clanging a pot?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25No, you open the door and you go, "Go on, fuck off."
0:17:25 > 0:17:26What?!
0:17:26 > 0:17:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Wow! Wow!
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Could you...?
0:17:35 > 0:17:39Could you have sounded any more Scottish then if you'd tried?
0:17:39 > 0:17:43- SCOTTISH ACCENT:- "Away to fuck with you, you radge bastard."
0:17:43 > 0:17:47No, you had to. When you went out for a pee or something,
0:17:47 > 0:17:49always you'd have a look round the corner
0:17:49 > 0:17:51in case there was one sleeping.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53That's not how you want to go, is it?
0:17:53 > 0:17:54I'm presuming it's so cold there
0:17:54 > 0:17:57that your piss becomes a blade and you can go...
0:17:57 > 0:17:58LAUGHTER
0:17:58 > 0:17:59What are we dealing with?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Does it come out cold or is it like "whrrr"? Cos you've worked...
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- It's like little tinkly noises.- Yeah. But you've worked -52, haven't you?
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- Yeah, I was in -52. - Can you imagine how cold that is?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10That's as cold as Katie Hopkins' heart.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- That's how cold it is.- Oh!
0:18:13 > 0:18:15That is unbelievably chilly.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19We were talking about David Attenborough,
0:18:19 > 0:18:21who you've worked with.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Does he always speak in that wonderful way?
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Cos I've got an image of him as soon as the cameras go, he's like...
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- COCKNEY ACCENT: - That went all right that did, yeah?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Let's get a couple of jars in.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38There isn't a great deal of difference between him
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- on camera and him in real life. - He's incredible, isn't he?
0:18:41 > 0:18:45He's always helpful, always got a story and all the rest of it.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47- He's a great guy. - There's no denying that.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51You're an incredible man, and I kind of feel bad to have to do this.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53I've got some questions from my brother.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Here they are. I have to apologise in advance.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Have you ever thrown a snowball at a penguin?
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Well, I did want one to move just a wee bit at one point,
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- so I didn't throw it at it. - That's a yes.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14That's a massive yes.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17What's the biggest animal you could kill with your bare hands?
0:19:17 > 0:19:21And he's put brackets here - I'm confident I could kill a pig.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Um... Well...
0:19:29 > 0:19:30A small whale.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- I've got to go one better than your brother.- Absolutely.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- I mean, he's a moron. - And the final question...
0:19:38 > 0:19:39Did you say he's a moron?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45He absolutely is.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47You can read the last one if you want.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49I'm slightly dancing around it
0:19:49 > 0:19:52because I know I have to say it out loud
0:19:52 > 0:19:54because I told him I would.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57What's the weirdest place you've ever had a shit?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Well, we were camped on this...
0:20:05 > 0:20:06Do tell.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09We were camped very close to this cliff.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Please tell me there's going to be a goat at the bottom?
0:20:14 > 0:20:15Son of a bitch!
0:20:16 > 0:20:18You know, my ex wife...
0:20:18 > 0:20:20LAUGHTER
0:20:20 > 0:20:22She was at the bottom of the cliff.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26We were out filming in a helicopter and we'd been out for a while.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29This story is getting better and better.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33We were out in the helicopter and you wear these survival suits.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35We'd been out for a good long time looking for seals.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Didn't see any. So the pilot said, "We've got to go back.
0:20:38 > 0:20:39"The weather's going down."
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Sue said, "I've got to...
0:20:41 > 0:20:44"Well, let me go and just have a pee before I get back in the helicopter."
0:20:44 > 0:20:48She went round the back, dropped her survival suit. Had a pee.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Came back on. I was looking at her from the other seat.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54As she was about to get in, she put on her survival suit
0:20:54 > 0:20:58and then pulled the hood up over her and I looked over...
0:20:58 > 0:21:01It was like this thing dripping down.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04She realised and I realised that what she'd done was actually
0:21:04 > 0:21:08peed in her suit and pulled it over.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11- I just had time to grab a quick photograph.- Oh, nice!
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Well, that was an absolute delight. It was a pleasure to meet you.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- Thank you so much for coming on the show.- Thank you.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Now this is wonderfully mad.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Have you heard the latest news about bees?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Gardeners should use their lawn mowers less often to protect
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Britain's bees and other pollinating insects.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44That is the advice from the Environment Secretary.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46In a speech today, Elizabeth Truss will say -
0:21:46 > 0:21:49bees should be treated like Premier League footballers.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Apparently bees should be treated like footballers.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57What? We should stand on the lawn and sing at them?
0:21:57 > 0:21:58# He's black and he is yellow
0:21:58 > 0:22:00# He mumbles cos he's mellow
0:22:00 > 0:22:02# He's a freaky looking fellow
0:22:02 > 0:22:03# The humble bumble bee
0:22:03 > 0:22:05# Buzz, buzz. #
0:22:13 > 0:22:14I'll tell you what,
0:22:14 > 0:22:17if we're treating bees like footballers, does that mean
0:22:17 > 0:22:20nature programmes are going to start looking like this...
0:22:20 > 0:22:22And there he goes. He's flying in.
0:22:22 > 0:22:27Ooh, that is unbelievable pollination.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29And he's...!
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Oh, shit.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32BURP
0:22:34 > 0:22:35That was horrible.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38You were like, "Oh, that was...! Oh, no, he's dead."
0:22:38 > 0:22:42Mind you, if you think treating bees like footballers is strange,
0:22:42 > 0:22:45it's got nothing on the latest technology being used on chickens.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53How insane is that?!
0:22:53 > 0:22:58They're fitting battery hens with virtual reality,
0:22:58 > 0:23:00so they think they're free-range!
0:23:00 > 0:23:02I've got an idea how you could make them feel free-range -
0:23:02 > 0:23:04open the fucking cage!
0:23:04 > 0:23:05LAUGHTER
0:23:05 > 0:23:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Imagine the chickens putting it on. Just like,
0:23:16 > 0:23:20"Oh, this is incredible! I'm running in an open field.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21"I'm so lucky."
0:23:21 > 0:23:22System error.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25"Oh, no, I'm dancing in my own shit."
0:23:27 > 0:23:28It's crazy.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31It's like some kind... It's like some kind of chicken Matrix.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04He is The One!
0:24:25 > 0:24:26CLUCKS
0:24:32 > 0:24:36From...from the chicken Matrix to cat cuddling.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38If you're looking for a job, this could be for you.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Now an animal rescue centre on Tyneside has advertised
0:24:41 > 0:24:45what some might consider to be their dream job - cuddling cats.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Volunteers are invited to spend just an hour or two
0:24:48 > 0:24:50stroking and cuddling the little creatures.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Ah-h!
0:24:52 > 0:24:56Cuddling cats is a dream job? It depends on the cat.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Hey, Bon Jovi, on a scale of one to ten , how much do you love me?
0:24:59 > 0:25:00GROWLS
0:25:00 > 0:25:02All right, Bon Jovi?
0:25:02 > 0:25:03YOWLS
0:25:03 > 0:25:04I love you.
0:25:04 > 0:25:05YOWLS
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Good morning, sunshine.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08YOWLS
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Hello, Bon Jovi. High-five. Come on. High-five, Bon Jovi. High-five.
0:25:11 > 0:25:12YOWLS
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Aggh! Bon Jovi, you're so cute.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15YOWLS Aggh!
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Finally tonight, I've got a lovely story about friendship and surfing.
0:25:29 > 0:25:34Had a new car that had power steering and basically just over corrected.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38I was with a friend, talking, and I got ejected out of the car,
0:25:38 > 0:25:42fell on some rocks and straightaway I could tell my friend,
0:25:42 > 0:25:44"Oh, I can't move my legs."
0:25:44 > 0:25:49Doctor said, "T4 complete paraplegia."
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Just got to relearn to live a different way.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Was pretty hard at the beginning to get back.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00I had six months in Adelaide in rehab and I was quite good then,
0:26:00 > 0:26:04but going back to Elliston was difficult because suddenly there were
0:26:04 > 0:26:07all these things that I loved doing that I couldn't do any more.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11I just used to watch my sons a lot, like, you know,
0:26:11 > 0:26:14drive the car as close as I could and watch them surf.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17I'm good friends with Tom and Morgan, her sons.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21When we first came up with the idea, you know, I've always thought of,
0:26:21 > 0:26:23"Oh, I wonder if she could go tandem on this.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26"I wonder if she could surf on the same board.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28"Well, I could duct tape you to my back and surf.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30"I don't see why I couldn't."
0:26:30 > 0:26:34He just put me on his back and he could get up.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38The challenge of getting her on my back and, I was like,
0:26:38 > 0:26:43"If I can do what I normally do with an extra 40 kilos,
0:26:43 > 0:26:47"pretty good challenge, really."
0:26:47 > 0:26:51I remember just looking up and just the colour, the sound.
0:26:51 > 0:26:56It was like being part of everything, being part of the water.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59I can't even find words to explain it.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11Because I can't...
0:27:11 > 0:27:16I can't feel my body, I feel like I'm moving cos being taped
0:27:16 > 0:27:21right there at the same height, I can picture it's me.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25It's really shown me, yeah, you can still have a dream
0:27:25 > 0:27:28and things are possible.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34- APPLAUSE - What a dude.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Thanks very much for watching Good News. Good night, my friends.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Farewell. Bye-bye.