0:00:10 > 0:00:16This programme contains some strong language and
0:00:16 > 0:00:20adult humour from the start.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Thank you very much indeed.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Thank you, thank you, thank you!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Hello and welcome to Good News.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35So, what's been happening?
0:00:35 > 0:00:39BBC News showed the shortest episode ever of Who Do You Think You Are...
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Er, oh! I'm already dead.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49Over at BBC Breakfast, I think Bill and Naga took ketamine...
0:00:49 > 0:00:53THEY MUMBLE
0:00:54 > 0:00:55That's nothing,
0:00:55 > 0:00:58I'm pretty sure the guys at Look North dropped some acid...
0:00:58 > 0:01:00DRUMMING
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Did anyone else see that guy with the scariest shadow ever?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10For me in particular...
0:01:10 > 0:01:12LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:01:13 > 0:01:16And finally, if you're going to put off a reporter,
0:01:16 > 0:01:18THIS is how you do it.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19The, er...ambulance just left,
0:01:19 > 0:01:21a fire truck just left.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23There's a...uh...
0:01:24 > 0:01:27But...we're live...
0:01:30 > 0:01:32So what's been going on?
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Well, the big political news was Ukip's victory
0:01:35 > 0:01:36in the Rochester by-election.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Ukip has its second Westminster MP
0:01:39 > 0:01:42after it won the Rochester and Strood by-election.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46Mark Reckless took 16,867 votes.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Mark Reckless, the second Tory defector turned Ukip MP
0:01:50 > 0:01:52was big news.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53I'm going for a pint.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Who is this Mark Reckless?
0:01:56 > 0:01:57Who is this dangerous renegade,
0:01:57 > 0:02:00this maverick who's tearing Westminster apart?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Christ, he sounds so dynamic.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04I wonder how he celebrated?
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Nigel went down the pub last night to celebrate.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10How did you celebrate? Did you get any sleep at all?
0:02:10 > 0:02:11Uh, I had an orange juice.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16I had an orange juice!
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Later on, I had a Ribena.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Reckless by name, reckless by nature!
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Shut up, shut up.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Bloody shut your mouth - I bloody stayed up till 11:30, I did!
0:02:31 > 0:02:34I'm bloody bonkers, I am - I'm absolutely mad.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38HOW did he get elected?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40He's the most nervous man I've ever seen.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- Huh, thanks for all your help. - It's OK.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44It's great to have you on board, huh...
0:02:44 > 0:02:46- Thank you.- Huh.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Good. And we'll get on with the day. Thank you, guys. Huh-huh.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53Thanks, huh... Thanks, guys, huh...
0:02:53 > 0:02:56It sounds like he's having a mini orgasm!
0:02:56 > 0:02:58You can't have him as an MP!
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Imagine him making speeches.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02"We'll, uh...fight them
0:03:02 > 0:03:05"uh...on the beaches.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07"Brrrruh.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10"Has anyone got any Tropicana?"
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Mind you, it's easy to see why he defected to Ukip -
0:03:14 > 0:03:16I mean, the signs were always there.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19LAUGHTER
0:03:19 > 0:03:22On that note, if you're going to have right wing policies,
0:03:22 > 0:03:24careful where you put the mic, Nigel.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26LAUGHTER
0:03:26 > 0:03:28APPLAUSE
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Did you see Farage after they won?
0:03:36 > 0:03:40He wins my award for most obvious statement of the week.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42If you vote Ukip, you get Ukip.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Obviously, you twat!
0:03:46 > 0:03:50That's like saying if you buy a banana, you get a banana.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Now, what I find baffling - you get all these people going,
0:03:54 > 0:03:57"We're voting Ukip cos we want a change!"
0:03:57 > 0:04:01Eight weeks ago, Mark Reckless was a Tory MP!
0:04:01 > 0:04:06HIS Government caused the problems that he's campaigning against.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09That's like me taking a shit on the floor,
0:04:09 > 0:04:11then changing my clothes and going, "Who did that?"
0:04:11 > 0:04:13LAUGHTER
0:04:16 > 0:04:18"SOMEONE has shat on the floor!
0:04:20 > 0:04:22"What, he looked just like me? Unbelievable, that is."
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Let's be honest, it's got nothing to do with change -
0:04:26 > 0:04:28we all know the reason why people vote Ukip.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Politicians? Well, most of them are liars.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33We're getting scum in this country.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35We're fed up with Tories and the Labour people.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- No control over immigration. - Vote for a new party.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- Immigration is a concern. - The others are faffing about.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42Because of immigration.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44And I can't get a job. If I paint myself black
0:04:44 > 0:04:47or talk in a foreign language, I might get a job.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49LAUGHTER
0:04:53 > 0:04:55I'm not so sure you will.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Mind you, not everyone is affected
0:04:59 > 0:05:02by the fear-mongering talk of immigration.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06Did you see the wonderful answer that this kid gave?
0:05:06 > 0:05:10- You're fine with having a mate from...- Yeah.- ..Poland, Bulgaria.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- Yes, there's no problem with that. - No problem?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15What do you say to a guy in Westminster,
0:05:15 > 0:05:18in the House of Commons who says it is a problem?
0:05:18 > 0:05:19I'd say they need to buck up.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24I salute you, you little legend!
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Now, the other thing I find fascinating about Ukip
0:05:27 > 0:05:29is that they've convinced the nation
0:05:29 > 0:05:32that they're the political party for everyday people. How?
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Have you seen the kind of people that fund them?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Demetri Marchessini, a now retired Greek businessman
0:05:38 > 0:05:42was Ukip's sixth-biggest individual cash donor last year.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44He's given Ukip a lot of money.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46So what's his major political gripe?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Immigration? Tax? The NHS?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50No - trousers.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- You think women should be banned from wearing trousers?- Yes.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55What, by law?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58They used to be, for thousands of years.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02Do you know that until 300 years ago, a woman wearing trousers
0:06:02 > 0:06:03would be executed?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08What a man of the people!
0:06:09 > 0:06:13300 years ago, a woman wearing trousers would be executed!
0:06:14 > 0:06:18He's like a sexist version of the Churchill dog.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21"Trousers? Oh, no-no-no!"
0:06:23 > 0:06:24He's a lunatic!
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Look what he thinks will happen if women stop wearing skirts.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30There are several reasons not to wear trousers.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34The first is they don't look as nice as skirts.
0:06:34 > 0:06:40The second is trousers don't excite men. Only skirts excite men.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Why should women dress to excite men?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Because that's the only way the world is going to continue.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48If they don't, then men are going to stop BLEEP-ing them.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53That's right. That's right, my friends...
0:06:53 > 0:06:55APPLAUSE
0:06:56 > 0:07:00The man who funds Ukip thinks the greatest threat to mankind
0:07:00 > 0:07:02isn't disease,
0:07:02 > 0:07:03isn't climate change.
0:07:03 > 0:07:04It's trousers.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Well, he's not going to like this.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09WHOOPING
0:07:09 > 0:07:12CANCAN PLAYS
0:07:22 > 0:07:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:27 > 0:07:28Now...
0:07:31 > 0:07:32LAUGHTER
0:07:32 > 0:07:36..elsewhere this week, did you hear about the economy?
0:07:36 > 0:07:37David Cameron has warned
0:07:37 > 0:07:40another global financial crisis could be looming.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44The Prime Minister says red lights are flashing because international
0:07:44 > 0:07:46issues like Ebola, instability in Ukraine
0:07:46 > 0:07:50and slowing markets could jeopardise the UK's recovery.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53According to Cameron, we're on the brink of another global recession.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56So what plan has he come up with to fix our ailing economy?
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Cameron wants toddlers running businesses!
0:08:08 > 0:08:12His own daughter thought it was so stupid, she tried to break his neck.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Poor teachers!
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Imagine trying to teach a five-year-old about business.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24"OK, kids. What's your average turnover?"
0:08:24 > 0:08:27"Um... I dunno, about three times a night."
0:08:33 > 0:08:35"OK. What are your overheads?"
0:08:35 > 0:08:36"Er, clouds."
0:08:40 > 0:08:42"OK, how do you reach out to your customers?"
0:08:42 > 0:08:43"Just like that..."
0:08:43 > 0:08:45LAUGHTER
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Kids don't understand business, do they?
0:08:50 > 0:08:53You ask a child who Lord Sugar is, they think it's this guy.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58What business can you run when you're five?
0:08:58 > 0:09:02I couldn't run a business. I couldn't even RUN properly.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04'Go on, Russ! Mum's little angel!
0:09:05 > 0:09:06'Why's he got his hands up like that?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08'He looks like a bloody orang-utan.'
0:09:08 > 0:09:10LAUGHTER
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Oh, oh, FUNNY.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Oh, yeah, really...
0:09:13 > 0:09:14Oh, ha-ha-ha.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Ha, ha, ha(!)
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Mind you, if this idea takes off,
0:09:20 > 0:09:22it's really going to change this programme.
0:09:26 > 0:09:31- Hello, Dragons! I'm Russell Howard. - What's wrong with his eyes?
0:09:33 > 0:09:37- Is he looking at me or you?- Oh!
0:09:37 > 0:09:40You need a patch for your eye like a pirate.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Why are you so vicious?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46You've heard of Reggae Reggae Sauce,
0:09:46 > 0:09:50this is Russy Russy Sauce.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Eurgh!
0:09:52 > 0:09:55- (He's freaking me out.) - Oh, I'm freaking you out?
0:09:55 > 0:09:57You're a little girl sat in a big chair.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02She won't stop staring at me.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06If I was a real dragon, I would kill you with fire.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Yeah? Well, if I was a...
0:10:09 > 0:10:12If I was a unicorn I'd shit in your garden.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19- I'm out.- I'm out. - I'm out, including my teddy.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- I'm out!- You make me sick!
0:10:25 > 0:10:27APPLAUSE
0:10:31 > 0:10:34I like that we were applauding the fact I got thrown it!
0:10:34 > 0:10:365-year-olds don't want to run businesses.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39They've got bigger issues, like love.
0:10:39 > 0:10:44- You can't have three girlfriends? - It's like I...I have to give one up.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48Oh, no. How are you going to decide who to give up?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51I don't know.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54It's like...they're all pretty. I have to give one up.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59It's rough being five, isn't it?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03I wish I was four again.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09It's the loveliest thing you've ever seen.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11"I wish I was four again!
0:11:11 > 0:11:15"Now I'm five all I see is trouble."
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Unbelievably, toddlers running businesses
0:11:18 > 0:11:21wasn't even the maddest political story of the week.
0:11:21 > 0:11:26Did you hear what the Chancellor has been spending our tax money on?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36What a prick!
0:11:36 > 0:11:38People are struggling to make ends meet
0:11:38 > 0:11:41and he's blowing money on a fucking milk monitor.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Ding-a-ling-a-ling.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48"Jeeves! Make sure nobody takes my Cravendale."
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Poor milk monitor. Imagine doing that for a living.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55"I work for the Government." What department? "Semi-skimmed."
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Don't worry though, I popped into Downing Street this week.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10ZIP IS LOWERED
0:12:10 > 0:12:14LIQUID TRICKLES Oi!
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Bah! So what else has been going on?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Well, bizarre news about funeral songs.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31We're used to the weekly top 40 chart to find
0:12:31 > 0:12:34out who's been having the biggest impact on the music industry.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Now that's been applied to the songs
0:12:36 > 0:12:39and hymns most frequently played at funerals.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42There was a study done to find the nation's top 30
0:12:42 > 0:12:46favourite funeral songs, and they are absolutely mental.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Did you see what was number one?
0:12:48 > 0:12:53# Always look on the bright side of life... #
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Cheeky but understandable. Did you see what was number four?
0:13:02 > 0:13:07The Match Of The Day theme tune! How can you have that at a funeral?
0:13:07 > 0:13:10What? Are the vicars going to talk like commentators?
0:13:10 > 0:13:14"Oh! That is an unbelievable cremation!
0:13:15 > 0:13:20"He's looked up, he's seen the space and he's absolutely buried her."
0:13:22 > 0:13:24The Match Of The Day Theme tune!
0:13:24 > 0:13:28The weirdest by far. Did you see what was at number 17?
0:13:32 > 0:13:34People get buried to Coronation Street.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Imagine the mourners. "I miss her every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41"Especially on omnibuses."
0:13:42 > 0:13:45It's madness! You can't bury people to TV theme tunes.
0:13:45 > 0:13:50Imagine the vicar! "And now we say goodbye for the final time."
0:13:50 > 0:13:53COUNTDOWN THEME
0:13:56 > 0:13:58You can't do that.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01It makes you think, though.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04What music will you play at your funeral?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06I've already come up with mine.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09CANCAN PLAYS
0:14:09 > 0:14:12AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG
0:14:22 > 0:14:25- Now, elsewhere this week... - LAUGHTER
0:14:25 > 0:14:29..the BBC have been in hot water over subtitles.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32The BBC has been criticised for using subtitles
0:14:32 > 0:14:35in an interview with a blacksmith in County Londonderry
0:14:35 > 0:14:38on its Countryfile programme.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Did you see the interview? I can't believe they subtitled it!
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Here it is without the captions.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45It is so obvious what he's talking about.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47SPEAKS WITH STRONG ACCENT
0:14:54 > 0:14:56No idea!
0:14:56 > 0:14:59To be honest it doesn't make a huge amount of sense
0:14:59 > 0:15:01with the subtitles on.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Something about a unicorn?
0:15:12 > 0:15:15You have to subtitle people sometimes.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17You need to hear what they have to say.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Otherwise you'd miss out on wonderful moments like this.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Glad to hear that.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59It isn't just the BBC in trouble. Did you hear about Paddington Bear?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Paddington Bear's creator, Michael Bond,
0:16:02 > 0:16:05has spoken of his shock after the film version of his book
0:16:05 > 0:16:07was deemed unsuitable for children.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09The British Board of Film Classification
0:16:09 > 0:16:14warned of sex references, dangerous behaviour and bad language.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Paddington is too risque for kids!
0:16:17 > 0:16:19You're telling me!
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Now, you won't believe this,
0:16:21 > 0:16:25but I've managed to get hold of a sneak preview of the film.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- HE INHALES - Mmm!
0:16:41 > 0:16:43HE MOANS
0:16:46 > 0:16:50- PADDINGTON: Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! - Oh, no!
0:16:55 > 0:16:57LIGHTER SPARKS Ah!
0:17:09 > 0:17:13Now, in 2013 a remarkably well preserved mammoth
0:17:13 > 0:17:17was found in permafrost and this lady defrosted it.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Tori gets a chance to examine
0:17:20 > 0:17:25the best preserved adult mammoth trunk ever found.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28What's really, really brilliant is that the most important end,
0:17:28 > 0:17:31the tip, is almost entirely complete.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36For Tori, the trunk is an emotional connection to this mammoth
0:17:36 > 0:17:38that lived so long ago.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42The mammoth's trunk is what it uses to interact
0:17:42 > 0:17:45with its environment, to pick up food for feeding,
0:17:45 > 0:17:47to caress its baby when it's suckling,
0:17:47 > 0:17:51to interact and reassure its friends and family.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58It looks like it's smiling at me! SHE LAUGHS
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Please welcome Dr Tori Herridge.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02APPLAUSE
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Thank you very much for coming on the show.
0:18:07 > 0:18:12I was going to shake your hand but I don't know where it's been.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15- Up to the elbows in mammoth meat. - Wow.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17You don't hear that often enough.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Up to your elbows in mammoth meat.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25That sounds like a really specialist pornography.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30What was it like, dissecting a mammoth? What's that like?
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Absolutely incredible.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35I mean, I'm a palaeontologist, I work on fossils normally,
0:18:35 > 0:18:37so to have the opportunity to get up close
0:18:37 > 0:18:42and very, very, very interactive with, kind of, flesh...
0:18:42 > 0:18:46Quite bloody in some respects. It was really sort of gory.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Cos that shirt was white before you started.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Yeah. It was really... It was extraordinary. I can't...
0:18:52 > 0:18:55They kept using the word emotional and it was emotional,
0:18:55 > 0:18:57because, you know,
0:18:57 > 0:19:00you're looking at something which has been dead for 40,000 years
0:19:00 > 0:19:03and yet somehow it remained frozen, so it didn't fossilise.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06It looked and smelt as though it had died
0:19:06 > 0:19:08maybe only a week or so earlier.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Do you think the make-up girls who deal with Bruce Forsyth
0:19:11 > 0:19:12go through a similar...
0:19:14 > 0:19:17One thing I didn't get - we've actually got a clip of it here -
0:19:17 > 0:19:21is you see a lot of experts, Siberian experts,
0:19:21 > 0:19:24and then halfway through you see this man doing this.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Explain this to me.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32And the flesh looked almost as fresh
0:19:32 > 0:19:34as the day that the mammoth had died.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Now, what the hell is going on there? Had he forgotten his lunch?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45- What's happening?- What a legend! - What do you mean?
0:19:45 > 0:19:47What a complete legend! I mean, come on!
0:19:47 > 0:19:50It's like the grand tradition of scientists
0:19:50 > 0:19:52experimenting on themselves. Imagine that.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54You're in the field, you've got none of your lab equipment.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58You've just come across possibly the best preserved flesh
0:19:58 > 0:20:00of a mammoth ever seen and you're wondering, "How fresh is it really?"
0:20:00 > 0:20:03What would you do? How else can you test it?
0:20:03 > 0:20:05I thought you'd be annoyed because, "Wow! A mammoth!"
0:20:05 > 0:20:09And he's like, "Nom-nom!" He's like Luis Suarez.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Surely that would annoy you.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Nah. It's just a wee nibble. It wasn't like he ate the whole thing.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17- Did you have a bit?- No.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20By the time I got to it, it had been defrosted and then refrozen.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23People are making kebabs out of it.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25I do wonder, though, whether I would...
0:20:25 > 0:20:28I never asked him what it tasted like and I really regret that.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30I'm intrigued. I really want to know.
0:20:30 > 0:20:35So... Can... Because basically you've brought an animal...
0:20:35 > 0:20:39The mammoth defrosted and there was blood in the mammoth.
0:20:39 > 0:20:44That raises the idea that we could bring the mammoth back to life.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46- Yeah.- Could we bring animals back to life?- People are trying.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50They're trying. One of the main groups that were there
0:20:50 > 0:20:52was a group from South Korea from a place called Sooam.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55They were taking samples of the tissues,
0:20:55 > 0:20:57the flesh and some of the blood as well.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59They're hoping that in there,
0:20:59 > 0:21:02because it was so well preserved, they're going to find
0:21:02 > 0:21:05a complete mammoth cell with all of its DNA perfectly intact.
0:21:05 > 0:21:10If they find that, what they want to do is snip out that bit of the cell
0:21:10 > 0:21:14with all the DNA, pop it into an Asian elephant egg cell,
0:21:14 > 0:21:17zap it with electricity and make it grow into a mammoth baby.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19- What if he ate the bit?- Mm.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24What if that was the bit they're after
0:21:24 > 0:21:27and a mammoth grows out from within him?
0:21:27 > 0:21:31Are there any animals, specifically, you'd like to see back?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33I don't want to bring the mammoth back.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35- You don't want to bring the mammoth back. He's gone.- Well, yeah.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37It would be amazing to see. You just can't do it,
0:21:37 > 0:21:40as far as I can see, without involving some Asian elephants
0:21:40 > 0:21:42- along the way, to experiment on them.- What about...
0:21:42 > 0:21:45I've got some ideas here for animals that we can cross-breed.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48We cross-breed a cat and a dog,
0:21:48 > 0:21:52which is a pet that's always pleased to see you but buries its own shit.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- Not bad. Not bad.- Is that allowed? Would you have that?
0:21:55 > 0:21:57I think it's more interesting than bringing back a mammoth.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00I have to say, people often talk about bringing things back
0:22:00 > 0:22:03and you're never going to actually get something back from the dead,
0:22:03 > 0:22:05you're always going to be creating something new.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08- So why not get imaginative? - If we're getting imaginative,
0:22:08 > 0:22:10how about we cross-breed Boris Johnson with a meerkat?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Imagine having a little Boris meerkat in your room.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19Just tickle its belly and nonsense pours out.
0:22:19 > 0:22:24- Would you clone yourself?- Oh, no. - Why?- Would you?- Yeah.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26- Really?- Yeah.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28I was talking about this with my mates.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Right, as you're a scientist you might know the answer to this.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- But if I was with my clone, let's say...- Your younger clone.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36So as you were getting older and older and older,
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- it would be a constant reminder of your lost youth.- Yeah.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Anyway, you're with your clone.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Yeah, what I was about to ask you is now really different
0:22:53 > 0:22:57- because I imagine it being a clone with the same age.- Yeah.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01- Interesting.- But we're not. Right. Let's make him a bit older for this.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05Let's say I'm about, you know, I'm about 60,
0:23:05 > 0:23:09and me and my clone are in our bedroom, in separate beds.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13If I - as you're a scientist -
0:23:13 > 0:23:17if I catch him masturbating, does that make me gay if I watch?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Yeah, I don't... No, probably not.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Would you...do you feel gay, Russell?
0:23:27 > 0:23:32- Would you like to talk about that a bit more?- Possibly. Why not?
0:23:32 > 0:23:34We could, while we're here.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39- I just think it would be weird, wouldn't it?- It's a bit...
0:23:39 > 0:23:43I'd be like, "Good on you! That's not how I do it, but..."
0:23:43 > 0:23:48- Give some tips.- Give him some tips, yeah. I've already given him one!
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Now, I read a very interesting thing about you.
0:23:51 > 0:23:56One of the things that got you into science - you know what it is -
0:23:56 > 0:23:59was reading The Clan Of The Cave Bear books.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Now, I'm not sure if you're familiar with The Clan Of The Cave Bear books
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- but I've got a quote here from Mammoth Hunters.- Oh, God. Yeah.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07This is going to be good.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11"She felt under his parka and tunic for his drawstring,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14"untied it then reached for his hard, throbbing member
0:24:14 > 0:24:17"and rubbed her hands along its shaft."
0:24:17 > 0:24:20- That just screams science, doesn't it?- Yes.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23It's easy why you thought, "I'm going to find me a mammoth."
0:24:23 > 0:24:27These were...I came across these books when I was a teenager...
0:24:27 > 0:24:29You what across these books?
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Bad choice of words. What an idiot. Brilliant.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35"Finally they pulled apart.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37"'I should clean myself a little,' she said, getting up.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39"'These are new leggings.'
0:24:42 > 0:24:45- "He said..." This is the romantic bit.- Yeah, the romantic bit.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47"'When we get back you can leave them outside to freeze
0:24:47 > 0:24:49"'and then brush it off.'"
0:24:51 > 0:24:55- Great books. You should read them all.- What's next for you?
0:24:55 > 0:24:58- We've got some more fieldwork in Sicily and Malta.- Nice.
0:24:58 > 0:24:59Next year, yeah.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02We're going to Malta to work in this cave which, actually,
0:25:02 > 0:25:04if you go on holiday to Malta you can go there.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07It's called Ghar Dalam cave and it's full of dwarf hippo,
0:25:07 > 0:25:09- dwarf elephant and dwarf deer skeletons.- Oh, right.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11We're trying to work out how old they are
0:25:11 > 0:25:13by taking bits of stalagmite and dating them.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16- When are you doing that?- Hopefully March. If we get the permits.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19It was a pleasure to meet you. Thank you so much for coming in.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Ladies and gentlemen, Dr Tori Herridge!
0:25:27 > 0:25:31Check out what a think-tank in Sweden is campaigning for.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44They've invited people to come up with a name for female masturbation.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46These guys are already on it.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48- Play the trumpet. - Bombs in the garden.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50The widening of the A453.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52- Prawn linguini.- Line dancing.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54- Piston stuffing.- Coma in a bottle.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- Dickering around. - The handling of bushmeat.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59- Banana split.- Climbing the stairs.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01- Fiddling with the controls. - Holding a kitten.
0:26:01 > 0:26:02The fish twitcher.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04- Drilling for oil. - Cutting concrete.- Rat running.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06- Thigh slapping. - Dribble, dribble, dribble.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- Ribbon cutting.- Get a wiggle on.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Do you know what a wormhole is? HE LAUGHS
0:26:13 > 0:26:17That's Stayty all over. An absolute animal.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Finally tonight, a story about a wonderful dog
0:26:25 > 0:26:27who was just too courageous to ignore.
0:26:27 > 0:26:32We're doing our acclimatisation for the World Cup
0:26:32 > 0:26:35and getting ready for the start.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37High in the mountains of Ecuador,
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Team Peak Performance were preparing for a gruelling adventure.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43What none of them knew was that they'd pick up another
0:26:43 > 0:26:45team-mate along the way.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48They met him somewhere in the Amazon, ragged and hungry.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51They gave him a meatball and shooed him away
0:26:51 > 0:26:54but the dog had other ideas.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58As they continued their 440 mile race, he never left their side.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00He defined the word dogged.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04Struck by his fearlessness, they named him after King Arthur.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08On the kayak stage he swam alongside his new team-mates
0:27:08 > 0:27:10until they lifted him onto the boat.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Where they slept, he slept.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15And when they finally reached the finish line two days later,
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Arthur was with them.
0:27:17 > 0:27:22He was a street dog and, I think, to follow us on this adventure,
0:27:22 > 0:27:23this was like...
0:27:23 > 0:27:27I think he was thinking that, "OK, this is my chance.
0:27:27 > 0:27:32"These guys have been kind to me and that means something.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35- "I'll go with these guys." - Next stop, the vet.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37For probably the first time in his life.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41And for the team, the realisation that they couldn't leave him behind.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE By now his fame had spread
0:27:44 > 0:27:47and he arrived in Sweden to a hero's welcome.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50The South American stray who had won his team-mates' hearts
0:27:50 > 0:27:53and travelled 6,000 miles to find a home.
0:27:54 > 0:27:58Ah, that was lovely. What a dude.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Thank you very much for watching Good News.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02And ladies, for God's sake, wear trousers.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06In fact, better still, get a load of your mates together and do this.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10CAN CAN PLAYS
0:28:22 > 0:28:26Good night, my friends! Good night.