0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Hello! Welcome to Good News.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35So what's been happening? Over at BBC News,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38I'm pretty sure Tim Willcox forgot this reporter's name.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41- This report from... - MUMBLED SPEECH
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Is it me or is Hugh Bonneville on heat?
0:00:48 > 0:00:50GROWLING
0:00:50 > 0:00:52That's nothing!
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Did anyone else see Charlie Stayt
0:00:53 > 0:00:55boasting about the size of his penis?
0:00:55 > 0:00:59Seven times bigger than a T Rex, weighing more a herd of elephants.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02Over at BBC Midlands,
0:01:02 > 0:01:05they had some ground-breaking advice for everyone.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07You can't get cheese from a panda.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09LAUGHTER
0:01:11 > 0:01:13And finally. Here's a tip.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16If you're doing a live news report, careful where you park your car.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
0:01:25 > 0:01:26Shit.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32So what's been going on?
0:01:32 > 0:01:36Well, in political news, the Plebgate saga is finally over.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39He had denied he ever said it, but tonight, Andrew Mitchell is facing
0:01:39 > 0:01:43the prospect of hefty libel damages after a judge ruled that,
0:01:43 > 0:01:45on the balance of probabilities,
0:01:45 > 0:01:48he HAD called police officers effing plebs.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50After two years, we know what we always thought was true.
0:01:50 > 0:01:56Andrew Mitchell is guilty of the poshest and shittest insult ever.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00"You're a pleb! Yeah, and your bloody mother is a ruddy nincompoop!
0:02:00 > 0:02:02"Yeah.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04"I said it!"
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Do you know who I feel sorry for? The policeman.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Did you see the reason Mitchell lost? Look what the judge said...
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Poor sod! "I know you called him a pleb
0:02:20 > 0:02:24"because that policeman is a fucking idiot!"
0:02:26 > 0:02:30It's amazing! The judge found him guilty of calling a man a pleb...
0:02:30 > 0:02:32by calling a man a pleb!
0:02:34 > 0:02:36That's like finding someone guilty of sexual harassment
0:02:36 > 0:02:39and then going up to a woman and going "huh huh"!
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Mind you, talking of idiocy.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47Oh, my God! This is sensational.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51Check out Boris Johnson's answer to London's congestion problem.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Could the answer to overcrowded Tubes
0:02:53 > 0:02:58and buses be travelling to work by trampoline? This isn't a joke.
0:02:58 > 0:02:59Boris Johnson is backing a plan
0:02:59 > 0:03:03to bring the world's longest trampoline to the capital.
0:03:03 > 0:03:09That is classic Boris Johnson! "Let's go to work by trampoline!"
0:03:10 > 0:03:13And for the way home a log flume run by monkeys!
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Trampolining to work. It's insane.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20They've already drawn up plans.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22They are calling this the Bounceway.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25The plan is for commuters to bounce to work.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29People are going to bounce to work?
0:03:29 > 0:03:32It's madness. What if it's near the Thames?
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Mind you, trampolining to work would make mornings funny.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Did you do your make-up on the way to work?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55From trampolining to reality TV. Did you hear about this?
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Well, there's only one way that's going to go.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06I'm Nigel Farage.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Oh, shit!
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Elsewhere in the news. Oh, my God did you see Black Friday?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21The rush to a Black Friday bargain descended into chaos
0:04:21 > 0:04:23and, in some places, violence today.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Seconds after opening the doors,
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Black Friday brought shoppers to their knees.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32The loser - a little bit of British decorum.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Go for it!
0:04:36 > 0:04:40Ah, Christmas, the season of goodwill to all men.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44It's even more wonderful with a bit of festive music.
0:04:44 > 0:04:50# It's the most wonderful time of the year
0:04:50 > 0:04:52# With the kids jingle belling
0:04:52 > 0:04:57# And everyone telling you be of good cheer
0:04:58 > 0:05:03# It's the most wonderful time of the year... #
0:05:03 > 0:05:08# The most wonderful time of the year... #
0:05:08 > 0:05:11GET OUT OF MY WAY!
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Imagine their kids on Christmas morning.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23"Mummy, why's my present covered in blood?"
0:05:23 > 0:05:25"Cos Mummy knocked someone's teeth out!
0:05:25 > 0:05:29"Jingle Bells. Come on, sing it, you little shits!
0:05:29 > 0:05:32"It's Christmas! Jingle bells!"
0:05:35 > 0:05:36It's insane!
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Grown women were fighting over tellies!
0:05:42 > 0:05:46- What kind of behaviour is that?! - Oi! No, no, no, no!
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Hmmmm. Who does that woman remind me of?
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Oh, no, no, no, no.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57APPLAUSE
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Oh, that's who.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04It's ridiculous. Some people got to the shops at four in the morning!
0:06:04 > 0:06:08Four! Still, at least they got what they really wanted.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12- I'm not too sure if I want the Dyson or not.- Why not?
0:06:12 > 0:06:15I don't know, I just grabbed it to say I got something in my trolley.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21"I just wanted a memento. I killed a man for it!
0:06:21 > 0:06:23"I don't even have carpets, but he's dead!"
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Still, if you think it was violent in England,
0:06:27 > 0:06:28it was much worse in America.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Agh!
0:06:35 > 0:06:41Have you seen the latest disease tearing through America?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43We've been hearing a lot about ebola,
0:06:43 > 0:06:46but we just found out about a new health threat
0:06:46 > 0:06:49that's already infected nearly half the population.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50It's called the stupidity virus.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54That's right.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:58 > 0:07:05Half the population of America is stupid. Half! That's like 78%.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07LAUGHTER
0:07:07 > 0:07:11That was... He's, "Oh, I don't... Oh."
0:07:13 > 0:07:14This isn't a spoof.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18Apparently, America is dealing with a stupidity virus.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Fair to say, they haven't taken the news well.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24It's very scary. I hope they come up with, like, some kind of vaccine
0:07:24 > 0:07:27so they can cure it.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31If only there was somewhere they could go
0:07:31 > 0:07:34to cure themselves of this dreaded disease!
0:07:38 > 0:07:41A stupidity virus!
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Do you reckon Bob Geldof's going to do a song for them?
0:07:43 > 0:07:47# Read some books
0:07:47 > 0:07:50# Stop them being stupid fucks!
0:07:50 > 0:07:53# Read some books
0:07:53 > 0:07:57# Teach them to say aluminium properly... #
0:07:57 > 0:08:00LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:08:03 > 0:08:05"Aluminum!" It's not aluminum.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Mind you, it's too late for some of them.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Some people are already riddled with stupid.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11Check out the answer this man gives
0:08:11 > 0:08:14on America's version of Family Fortunes.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Tell me the man's name that starts with the letter K.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Kentucky Fried Chicken.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29His brother Nando's couldn't believe it.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31Talking of stupidity,
0:08:31 > 0:08:35have you seen the latest photo bombing craze sweeping the States?
0:08:35 > 0:08:39The Forest Service now warning people to stop taking selfies
0:08:39 > 0:08:40with bears.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43The prevailing attitude for years has been, if you see a bear,
0:08:43 > 0:08:45don't threaten them, back away slowly.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Instead, people are turning their backs
0:08:47 > 0:08:49and raising their phones for a candid shot.
0:08:52 > 0:08:57People are taking selfies with bears! Look at that!
0:09:01 > 0:09:05Actually, go back a minute. That's the kid from Up.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Why do people have to take selfies? Animals are magnificent.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13You don't need to see a human face in front of it.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16I mean, how shit would Life on Earth be
0:09:16 > 0:09:18if David Attenborough did this?
0:09:20 > 0:09:23If you want to have joy with an animal,
0:09:23 > 0:09:27just spray a bit of water on a turtle's arse and watch it twerk.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30# You know what to do with that big fat butt
0:09:30 > 0:09:32# Wiggle wiggle
0:09:32 > 0:09:34# Wiggle wiggle wiggle
0:09:34 > 0:09:37# Wiggle wiggle wiggle... #
0:09:39 > 0:09:44Unbelievably, that wasn't the maddest bear story in the news.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Winnie-the-Pooh has been banned from a town in Poland.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Have a look at the reason why.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58They reckon Winnie-the-Pooh is gay!
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Well, they have really misunderstood pooh sticks.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10It's ridiculous. It's a cartoon! He's not sexual in any way!
0:10:10 > 0:10:13He eats honey! It's not like he's going around going,
0:10:13 > 0:10:17"Yo, Tigger, come and bounce on my Hundred Acre Wood!"
0:10:21 > 0:10:23It's so ridiculous.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Check out the reason why they think Winnie-the-Pooh is gay.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34What?! If a bear isn't wearing trousers, he's gay?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36What do their zoos look like?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- ADOPTS BAD POLISH ACCENT - "Here we have ze giraffe.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43"As you can see, he's wearing a scarf which means he's bi-sexual."
0:10:45 > 0:10:49"You may also notice that my Polish accent is a lot like German."
0:10:49 > 0:10:53- LAUGHTER - "I'm not very good at that!"
0:10:54 > 0:10:57It's absurd. This isn't inappropriately dressed.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00This is!
0:11:08 > 0:11:10From cartoons to the world of film.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13I sense a disturbance in the Force.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17The trailer for the new Star Wars film has just been released.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19- < Whoo! - Cue an... Darn right, madam.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Cue an absolute geek meltdown.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Thousands of fans filmed their response to the trailer
0:11:26 > 0:11:30and they are amazing. Some lost their mind over the spacecrafts...
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Oh, my God! The Millennium Falcon! It's the Millennium Falcon!
0:11:34 > 0:11:37It's the Millennium Falcon!
0:11:37 > 0:11:39..some went full Wookie...
0:11:39 > 0:11:42GROWLS LIKE A WOOKIE Yeah!
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Yeah!
0:11:45 > 0:11:48..but my favourite reaction was definitely this guy.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Is it me or is he watching it whilst getting a blowjob?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Oh... Oh, my God!
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Oh, my God!
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Oh!
0:12:07 > 0:12:09It's so awesome!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13And I'm not the only one who thought so.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Oh! Oh!
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Tell me he hasn't just jizzed in his pants.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Absolutely!
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Some great religious stories knocking around.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Have you seen the latest news about vicars?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37A London comedian says he's on a mission from God to make
0:12:37 > 0:12:40church sermons more interesting.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43He says almost 50 members of the clergy have now attended
0:12:43 > 0:12:47his free comedy course which teaches vicars the art of telling jokes.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Ha-ha! Vicars are going to start telling gags!
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Well, that's going to be a barrel of laughs, isn't it?
0:12:54 > 0:12:56"Hey, guys. Knock! Knock!"
0:12:56 > 0:12:58AUDIENCE: Who's there?
0:12:58 > 0:12:59"Jesus, and he loves you."
0:13:04 > 0:13:07"Tough congregation!
0:13:09 > 0:13:11"Hey, guys, guys!
0:13:13 > 0:13:16"How many Jesuses does it take to change a light bulb?
0:13:16 > 0:13:19"None - he IS the light."
0:13:26 > 0:13:27It's not just vicars.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30They reckon this has been going on since Biblical times.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31Jesus himself told jokes.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35I think the whole thing about the camel going through the eye of
0:13:35 > 0:13:40the needle, originally, people would have laughed at the absurdity of it.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Jesus was a stand-up! I'd love to have seen that.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56She knows!
0:14:00 > 0:14:03I was with my dad the other day, left the door open, he's like,
0:14:03 > 0:14:06"Oi! Were you born in a barn?!" I said, "Yeah!"
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Gold again. Frankincense again.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Myrrh? What the fuck is myrrh?!
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Come on, guys, give me a chance! Give us a chance!
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Cross? Cross! I was bloody furious!
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Let's have a drink, shall we? Let's have a bloody drink. Oh!
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Did I? Yes, I did. I'm the son of God.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40Mind you...
0:14:42 > 0:14:45If you think using comedy to sell religion is strange,
0:14:45 > 0:14:46check this out...
0:14:52 > 0:14:54I'm not making this up - here they are.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Dean and Cristy Parave are devout Christians
0:14:56 > 0:14:58but they've found an unusual way
0:14:58 > 0:15:00of spreading God's word -
0:15:00 > 0:15:02through swinging.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04What?!
0:15:04 > 0:15:07How can you preach Christianity through swinging?
0:15:07 > 0:15:08Jesus said "Love thy neighbour",
0:15:08 > 0:15:10not "Film them banging".
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Check out the reason why they're doing it.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17God's not going to put a lion with a bunch of elephants.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18What's he going to do?
0:15:18 > 0:15:22He'll put a swinger with a bunch of swingers to spread his word.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28"God's not going to put a lion with an elephant"?
0:15:28 > 0:15:29I think this guy puts it best...
0:15:29 > 0:15:30What a load of shit.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Tell you what, though, if swinging Christianity comes over here,
0:15:35 > 0:15:38it's really going to change Songs of Praise.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Imagine that? You switch on the TV and they're like...
0:15:40 > 0:15:41# I tea-bagged my neighbour
0:15:41 > 0:15:43# While my wife kissed a gimp
0:15:43 > 0:15:45# We went pretty hard
0:15:45 > 0:15:46# Now I walk with a limp
0:15:46 > 0:15:49# I had fun with Linda, Kevin Stacey and Sven
0:15:49 > 0:15:52# And three days later I rose again
0:15:52 > 0:15:55# Swing then, wherever you may be
0:15:55 > 0:15:58# Reach in the bowl and grab a car key
0:15:58 > 0:16:03# Now part your cheeks like Moses did the sea
0:16:03 > 0:16:08# But stay away from Bob cos he's got VD. #
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Now, my guest this week is one of the few politicians in this country
0:16:21 > 0:16:22people actually like.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24He's been a postman, a Cabinet minister
0:16:24 > 0:16:26and is now a best-selling author.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Please welcome Alan Johnson MP.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Thank you.
0:16:33 > 0:16:34Now...
0:16:34 > 0:16:37The public are very disillusioned with politicians at the minute.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Why do you think that is?
0:16:39 > 0:16:43Well, I don't know if the public were ever in love with politicians.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45That is a fair point.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Although, didn't William Hague
0:16:47 > 0:16:49have posters of Margaret Thatcher in his...?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Yeah, but that was William Hague.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53He wasn't representative of normal youth.
0:16:53 > 0:16:58No, we don't have photographs of politicians on the wall and all that.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01We've got this air of scepticism, which I think is fine.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Cynicism is a bit...a bit more difficult.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06You would struggle to sleep
0:17:06 > 0:17:09if there was a poster of Ed Miliband on your wall, wouldn't you?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12It'd feel like the eyes always followed you around.
0:17:12 > 0:17:13How did you know I had that poster?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Has someone told you I had that poster?
0:17:15 > 0:17:17I think it's fair enough.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19There's Take That and there's Ed Miliband...
0:17:20 > 0:17:22What's your favourite Take That song?
0:17:22 > 0:17:26- What's my favourite...? - # Never forget where... #
0:17:26 > 0:17:28The one they did...da-da-da...
0:17:28 > 0:17:31I want you back again - for good. Want you back for good.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33That's the Bee Gees - how does that go?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35- That's not the Bee Gees. - It was the Bee Gees originally.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- # I want you back for good. # - No, it's not.- It's not?- No.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- It's written by Gary Barlow, you'll find.- Oh, really?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44There you go!
0:17:44 > 0:17:46APPLAUSE
0:17:46 > 0:17:48You're thinking of their final single.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- I am thinking of How Deep Is Your Love?- That's it.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53I've made an absolute fool out of myself. I didn't realise.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Can we keep this bit in the programme?
0:17:55 > 0:17:57I'll keep all of it in.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00What do you think makes a good politician?
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Well, most people would say it's the ability to talk.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07I think it's the ability to listen, I think, to genuinely listen -
0:18:07 > 0:18:10not just do what you're doing now, which is like...
0:18:10 > 0:18:12HE MUTTERS INTO HIS HAND
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Thinking of the next thing you're going to say...
0:18:16 > 0:18:17- APPLAUSE - Guilty.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22But you're absolutely right. My dad says that.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24"You don't listen - you just wait for gaps to take the piss."
0:18:27 > 0:18:29You'll get plenty of opportunity with me, I assure you.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32But I think to genuinely listen to people
0:18:32 > 0:18:35and to understand their lives -
0:18:35 > 0:18:39I think the vast majority of MPs have to have that
0:18:39 > 0:18:42in order to be elected, or re-elected.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Cos people suss them out very quickly.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45What do you, em...
0:18:45 > 0:18:47What do you make of Ed Miliband?
0:18:47 > 0:18:49- I like him.- You like Ed Miliband?
0:18:49 > 0:18:53That poster was a joke. I don't have the poster on the wall.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57- I'm not suggesting... - No, that's...
0:18:57 > 0:18:59- Are you behind him as a leader? - Yes.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02- Do you think you're going to win with him?- Yes.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Do you REALLY think you're going to win with him?
0:19:07 > 0:19:11Look, if you think about how many times a party has been chucked
0:19:11 > 0:19:15out of office in this country and come back just five years later,
0:19:15 > 0:19:17it's only happened once in the last 80 years,
0:19:17 > 0:19:21so it's a tough gig to actually come back after one term in opposition.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24And he's in with a fighting chance.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28- You'd like him, I assure you. - I'm sure I would.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32OK, let's be a bit lighter, a bit frothier, a bit of silliness -
0:19:32 > 0:19:34what's the maddest thing you've seen in the House of Commons?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37I haven't...funny things have happened to me.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41So when I was made a minister in 2005,
0:19:41 > 0:19:44when I was at Work and Pensions, Tony Blair rang and said,
0:19:44 > 0:19:46"I want you to move to another department.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49"It was called the DTI, but we're calling it something else,
0:19:49 > 0:19:53"but I can't remember what it is - your permanent secretary will ring tomorrow and tell you."
0:19:53 > 0:19:55So he rang me up and said, "Yes, the new department is called
0:19:55 > 0:20:00"the Department for Productivity, Energy" - capital 'E', small 'n' -
0:20:00 > 0:20:01"Industry and Science."
0:20:03 > 0:20:06And I said, "That's the Ministry for PEnIS."
0:20:07 > 0:20:09And he said, "Yes, Minister."
0:20:09 > 0:20:12I said, "Whose idea was that?" He said, "I don't know."
0:20:12 > 0:20:13And when I went to see...
0:20:13 > 0:20:16You have to meet the Prime Minister on the Wednesday
0:20:16 > 0:20:19to talk about what you're going to do in your new position.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21We had a chat and he said, "Anything else?"
0:20:21 > 0:20:25I said, "Why is my department called the Department for PEnIS?"
0:20:25 > 0:20:28And he looked around - there were loads of his acolytes around,
0:20:28 > 0:20:30and...talk about failure is an orphan,
0:20:30 > 0:20:32success has many parents.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33They go, "Don't know, wasn't me."
0:20:33 > 0:20:35So he said, "Is it too late to change it back?
0:20:35 > 0:20:39I said, "They've taken down the old sign from 1 Victoria Street,
0:20:39 > 0:20:41"but they haven't erected a new one."
0:20:43 > 0:20:46A bad word to use. And he said, "Just change it back."
0:20:46 > 0:20:48So, thankfully - true story -
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Britain was saved from having a Department for PEnIS.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55A Johnson, and they put you in the Ministry of PEnIS?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Yeah.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00We are referred to as members, in the House.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04There was a great story about you and Tony Blair - is this right?
0:21:04 > 0:21:09Tony Blair, when he first met you, said, "You've got three..."
0:21:09 > 0:21:10- No...- I know the story.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Have you heard this? Amazing quote, what Tony said.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Poor Tony - he's probably heard enough of this.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19So you had this meeting early in the New Year, just after Christmas,
0:21:19 > 0:21:21and I went up to his flat and he has a son
0:21:21 > 0:21:23who's the same age as mine, born in 2000.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25And so all the toys were around
0:21:25 > 0:21:27and Tony said, "You've got kids, haven't you?"
0:21:27 > 0:21:30I said, "Yeah. I had three kids by the time I was 20."
0:21:30 > 0:21:31Listen to this - what about this?
0:21:31 > 0:21:35And Tony said, "Three children by the time you were 20?" I said, "Yeah."
0:21:35 > 0:21:38He said, "Gosh, Alan, you really are working class."
0:21:38 > 0:21:41LAUGHTER
0:21:41 > 0:21:44I've got a few quickfire questions, that all right? Very, very quick.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48Would you rather spend an hour in a lift with Boris Johnson on acid
0:21:48 > 0:21:50or watch Ed Miliband eat a sandwich?
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Watch Ed Miliband eat a sandwich.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55What if you were on acid?
0:21:55 > 0:21:58I'd watch Ed Miliband eat Boris Johnson.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Have you ever found Nick Clegg in the House of Commons just weeping?
0:22:04 > 0:22:05No.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Tearful, but not weeping.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Do you think David Cameron's had botox?
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Eh, yes. Definitely.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14Had it when he was about ten.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17This one's from my mum.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19- IMITATES HIS MUM:- You're members of Parliament, so instead of MPs
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- why are you...?- Is she from Ireland? - No, she's...no.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25My mum's from Bristol - how dare you, Alan!
0:22:25 > 0:22:28- Sorry.- Apologise to my mum.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30BRISTOLIAN ACCENT: I'm sorry.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32I didn't mean it.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40I love it - my mum will be watching going, "Oh, Alan Johnson's saying hello to me!"
0:22:40 > 0:22:42This is a question from Mum, right?
0:22:42 > 0:22:45You're members of Parliament, so instead of MPs,
0:22:45 > 0:22:47why are you lot not called MoPs?
0:22:49 > 0:22:52That's a very good question. We're called lots of things.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53MoPs is one of the most polite.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Finally, I read recently that you would give up everything
0:22:56 > 0:22:58to be in a band.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01I would have given up everything to succeed in a band, yeah.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04What if the opportunity arose now?
0:23:04 > 0:23:06What if you were given the opportunity to play guitar
0:23:06 > 0:23:08in front of hundreds of people?
0:23:10 > 0:23:11- I...- You'd probably go for that.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14You'd be absolutely mad to turn down an option like that,
0:23:14 > 0:23:21if I was suddenly to pull out an axe and ask you to crank out some tunes.
0:23:21 > 0:23:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- You know...- You telling me you don't want to play that?
0:23:30 > 0:23:33- Not really, no. Thank you, Russell. - You don't want to give it a go?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Not really, no, because...
0:23:35 > 0:23:38- AUDIENCE:- Boo!
0:23:38 > 0:23:39RUSSELL STRUMS GUITAR
0:23:39 > 0:23:44- 64-year-old blokes jumping around as if they were 27 is...- What's that?
0:23:44 > 0:23:49# While my guitar gently weeps... #
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Look at her - you sure you don't want to...?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54- You obviously can't play. - I'd love to be able to play.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55Genuinely, I can't play at all.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58I've got about four at home, but I've never...
0:23:58 > 0:24:00I've never just sat down and tried. I can do...
0:24:00 > 0:24:04- I'll do you one lick, shall I? Just one.- Absolutely.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06CHEERING
0:24:09 > 0:24:11- Not even a lick.- Yeah!
0:24:11 > 0:24:15ALAN PLAYS RIFF FROM NORWEGIAN WOOD
0:24:16 > 0:24:17There you go.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME
0:24:21 > 0:24:23There you go.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26There you go.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Alan Johnson!
0:24:37 > 0:24:40The big charity news of the week was this.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Prince Harry has revealed one of his secrets
0:24:42 > 0:24:47as part of a campaign to reduce stigma associated with HIV.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51Harry is joined by a host of stars who have all released online videos
0:24:51 > 0:24:54in support of the charity Sentebale's campaign
0:24:54 > 0:24:55for World Aids Day.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57So what incredible, earth-shattering secrets
0:24:57 > 0:25:00did Prince Harry and his celebrity friends reveal about themselves?
0:25:00 > 0:25:03My secret is, believe it or not,
0:25:03 > 0:25:06I get incredibly nervous before public speaking.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09I am absolutely scared and terrified of cats.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12I have never watched Star Wars.
0:25:12 > 0:25:17My secret is I ate all my advent calendar chocolates already.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29God...
0:25:29 > 0:25:31I feel like a right idiot.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35I thought we were revealing big secrets.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38On weekends, I'm called Roxanne!
0:25:44 > 0:25:46And finally tonight, a beautiful story
0:25:46 > 0:25:49about how sign language can change people's lives.
0:25:49 > 0:25:55Patrick Otema is 15 years old. He was born deaf.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58But in this remote region of northern Uganda,
0:25:58 > 0:26:00there are no schools for deaf children.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04In his whole life, Patrick's never had a conversation.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Patrick's fate is not unusual.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14The majority of deaf people in sub-Saharan Africa
0:26:14 > 0:26:16have never been taught sign language.
0:26:16 > 0:26:21Unable to communicate with others, they are trapped in their own minds.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Raymond became deaf as a child after a bout of malaria.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Six months ago, he travelled to the capital
0:26:36 > 0:26:39for intensive training in sign language.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45Now he's returned to his village to do something unprecedented.
0:26:45 > 0:26:50He's going to teach the first sign language course ever set up here.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37New deaf students keep arriving.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Many have walked miles to be here.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47There's a nine-year-old boy and an 80-year-old woman.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53Before the end of the class, each new student goes to the front.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57The class votes on a new name for them.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01This is now Patrick's sign name
0:28:01 > 0:28:04and he will use it for the rest of his life.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08He has just been baptised into a whole new world.
0:28:11 > 0:28:12Pretty cool.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Thanks very much for watching Good News.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Good night, my friends. Good night.