0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
0:00:28 > 0:00:33Hello! Hello! Thank you very much. So, hello, welcome to my show.
0:00:33 > 0:00:38This week I've been going from chimney to chimney to find stories that make you laugh.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40So, it's the Christmas Special!
0:00:40 > 0:00:42What do we think about that?
0:00:42 > 0:00:46Amen, hallelujah and bo-o-o-om.
0:00:47 > 0:00:53Judging by his hair, John Prescott is clearly after some Jedward tickets this Christmas.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Very controversial decision.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58They said it'd be a white elephant, it wouldn't be successful.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00People get funny about food at Christmas.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04You see, I have a special relationship with turkeys.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Alison Moyet knows what you've had for breakfast just by kissing you.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12- Thanks, Alison.- You're welcome.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Lovely meeting you. Thank you.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17- Continental.- I know!
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Full English.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23# Let it snow, let it snow Let it snow. #
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Now, everybody loves snow.
0:01:25 > 0:01:30I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, because then we can look forward to the joys of sledging.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Pretty scary. Nearly as terrifying as this.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Come and sit down here by the fire,
0:01:43 > 0:01:46and I'll tell you the Christmas story.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Imagine the BNP nativity. "There's no room at the inn.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52"Now fuck off."
0:01:52 > 0:01:58Getting back to the weather, who doesn't enjoy building a snowman? Some of them are wonderful.
0:02:01 > 0:02:06Some of them know they're going to die, but in their short time on Earth, they really go for it.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14Most snowmen die peacefully. Others really don't.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20And when you're done with snowmen, what are you left with? Snowballs!
0:02:20 > 0:02:25I love it when adults take on kids, because kids don't know the meaning of the word, "Stop".
0:02:25 > 0:02:27..in front of all of us here.
0:02:27 > 0:02:32They're all there, loaded up, as you can see, with snow...
0:02:34 > 0:02:37That probably wasn't the best idea I've had this weekend.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43We're enjoying it here, Martin!
0:02:45 > 0:02:48They're having a great time, as you can see.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52- Could be worse - at least it wasn't this snowball.- Go on, then, Eve.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Ready? Careful. It's going to kill!
0:03:01 > 0:03:05# Oh, peace on Earth... #
0:03:05 > 0:03:11Now, does anyone else get the impression that 2009 has been a lonely old year for Gordon Brown?
0:03:11 > 0:03:15And we come together in a European council, so the 27 leaders
0:03:15 > 0:03:19of each of the European states come together, and they have to
0:03:19 > 0:03:22make a decision about who is chairman of the council.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26# All by myself
0:03:26 > 0:03:30# Don't want to be... #
0:03:30 > 0:03:35Never stop believing in the good sense of the British people.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Never stop believing we can move forward to a fairer,
0:03:39 > 0:03:41more responsible, more prosperous Britain.
0:03:41 > 0:03:47The second strategy would be to simply concentrate on al-Qaeda.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50'And the Pakistan forces are moving in on al-Qaeda.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53'In Waziristan, 30,000 Pakistan troops...'
0:03:53 > 0:03:58Never stop believing we can make a Britain equal to its best ideals.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Never, never stop believing.
0:04:03 > 0:04:11# And love, so distant and obscure Remains the cure... #
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Poor Gordon. His biggest ball-ache this year was the expenses scandal.
0:04:18 > 0:04:23MPs have really been taking the piss, claiming money for anything from helipads to duck houses.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26The best claim, without doubt, was Jacqui Smith's husband.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29He got caught charging the taxpayer so he could watch porn.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33I am really sorry for any embarrassment I have caused Jacqui.
0:04:33 > 0:04:38I can fully understand why people might be angry and offended by this.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42Quite obviously, a claim should never have been made for these films.
0:04:42 > 0:04:47It's so unfair. She made him go to the bottom of their drive - "Tell the nation what you've been doing."
0:04:47 > 0:04:53"I've been wanking and using your money, and I will never do it again."
0:04:53 > 0:04:58"Say everything." "OK. It's not the first time I have done this.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01"Sometimes I just have to touch it."
0:05:03 > 0:05:07The papers were apoplectic with rage. The Telegraph was disgusted.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11The Mail was outraged. And the Sun? The Sun went with this belter.
0:05:14 > 0:05:20They even suggested a list of films he may have watched, one of which was Anal Boutique.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Now, I've seen that film. It's rubbish.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26It's just a lady with a really tidy shop.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32"Ohhh!"
0:05:32 > 0:05:34In general, MPs in this country are hated.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37What makes it worse - over the pond, some of them are adored.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40It's been a huge year for Obama. Sorry...
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Mr Long-Legged Mac Daddy.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45He became America's first ever black president.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47He's trying to fix the world economy,
0:05:47 > 0:05:51bring peace to the Middle East, and on top of it, he's really cool.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55I bet when he goes for a piss, the toilet goes, "Thank you!"
0:05:55 > 0:06:00Obama's unique. He can even kill an fly in the middle of an interview and still look good.
0:06:02 > 0:06:03Nice.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Thank you. Now, where were we?
0:06:08 > 0:06:12Smooth! We'd love Obama to be our Prime Minister.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Mind you, not everyone's a fan. Now, this is interesting.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19We've shown you this guy throughout the series, and he's been a bit of fun,
0:06:19 > 0:06:22so it's probably time I told you a bit more about him.
0:06:22 > 0:06:27His name is Pastor Manning, and he is as mad as a badger's ankle.
0:06:27 > 0:06:32I hate Barack Hussein Obama, who is nothing but a long-legged devil right out of the pit of hell.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36And if you don't mind my saying it, Jesus hates him, too.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40He's insane. Remember when Obama won?
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Him and Michelle did a lovely, cute fist bump.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49This was his response.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50My wife,
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Elizabeth - here, y'all see her - this momma
0:06:53 > 0:06:56you see here, my wife,
0:06:56 > 0:07:00ever greeted me with a fist bump, I'd give her a left hook.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11"And with God as my witness, if she ever winked at me,
0:07:11 > 0:07:14"I'd kick her in the titties."
0:07:15 > 0:07:17So why does he hate Obama?
0:07:17 > 0:07:21His name is Barack Hussein Obama.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23He's got a Muslim name!
0:07:23 > 0:07:24And he leans towards Islam.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27And how do you feel about that, Captain Crazy?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30I will not live under Islam! I will not!
0:07:30 > 0:07:32I will not! I will not live under Obama.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34I will not! I will not.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38I will not live under him. No way! I will not.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41I will not.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45I bet he will! Pastor Manning is what's known as a birther.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47He, along with 50% of American Republicans,
0:07:47 > 0:07:52believe that Obama shouldn't be the President because he wasn't born in the US.
0:07:52 > 0:07:57Show us the doggone birth certificate, Mac Daddy!
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Show it! And we'll be satisfied.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01I think we can probably sort that out.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03There it is.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07Available on the internet, fuck-knuckle.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11Probably Obama's boldest move of the year was his healthcare reforms.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14He aims to give 46 million poor Americans cheap health insurance.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16And guess who doesn't like it.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Do you want to see our children barefoot,
0:08:19 > 0:08:21cold,
0:08:21 > 0:08:26Third World, all because you fell in love with a pimp?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31"You're afraid of living with a pimp!"
0:08:31 > 0:08:34The Americans were attacking the NHS, which drove us wild.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Don't attack the NHS. It's magnificent.
0:08:36 > 0:08:41It's a bit like Wayne Rooney. It looks like shit, but it gets the job done.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43It's been emotional. So for the last time this year,
0:08:43 > 0:08:48let's say goodbye and good luck to Barack Hussein Obama. Sorry...
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Mr Long-Legged Mac Daddy.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53# Driving home for Christmas... #
0:08:55 > 0:08:58One of the best things about Christmas - presents.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00But I really wish kids would get a bit more excited.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04OH, MY GOD!
0:09:04 > 0:09:08YES! YES! OH, YES!
0:09:08 > 0:09:12IT'S A WII! OH, MY GOD!
0:09:12 > 0:09:16HE CHEERS AND SCREAMS
0:09:21 > 0:09:27How gutted is he going to be when he opens the box and it's a dead puppy?
0:09:27 > 0:09:33Sometimes it takes a little while to figure out what they've got, but when the penny drops, they go crazy.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36I heard the beep.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38It's the Wii!
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Want to cheer?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43HE SCREAMS
0:09:43 > 0:09:45RUSSELL SCREAMS
0:09:45 > 0:09:49But I love giving presents. Every year I get my brother a comedy porn film.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53You have to, right? You're probably thinking, "Russ, surely he knows it's from you."
0:09:53 > 0:09:56One step ahead of you. Every year, I put a different name on it.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58"What have you got there, Dan?
0:09:58 > 0:10:01"The diary of Anne Wank?
0:10:01 > 0:10:05"Oh, Nan, how could you?"
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Last year, my mum got me 15 spoons.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11"Thanks, Mum. I was considering taking up heroin."
0:10:11 > 0:10:16We've all received terrible Christmas presents, but that's nothing compared to this.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20A man in America has sent a Christmas card to every one of his ex-girlfriend's family.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Uncles, aunts, step-uncles,
0:10:23 > 0:10:27my sister, her husband...
0:10:27 > 0:10:30But what exactly did he put in the Christmas cards?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33And then you open it up and bam, Mr Simmons took photographs
0:10:33 > 0:10:37of his ex-girlfriend performing oral sex upon him
0:10:37 > 0:10:39and sent pictures of that
0:10:39 > 0:10:42in Christmas cards to family members of her.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47You feel sorry for her granddad.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Imagine receiving one of those blow job cards.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51"A letter.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54"I wonder who it's from.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56"I hope it's from my granddaughter.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58"I very rarely see her these days.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00"Y'know, she's the light of my life.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03"I remember once, I was on a swing.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06"She was five. Happiest day of my life.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08"Y'know, probably sound silly to you,
0:11:08 > 0:11:12"but she'll always be a little girl to me.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14"Anyway, listen to me ramblin' on.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16"I got a letter to open."
0:11:16 > 0:11:20HE SCREAMS
0:11:20 > 0:11:25Tell you what, though, if that happened in my family, we'd really take the piss.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28It would be relentless. "Surprised you've left your sprouts.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31"You're not usually such a fussy eater." "Stop it!"
0:11:31 > 0:11:34"Do you want some turkey, love? Gobble bobble." "Behave!"
0:11:34 > 0:11:38"I'd offer you a carrot, but you'd probably deep-throat it, you filthy bitch."
0:11:39 > 0:11:42# The people down below are sleeping as we fly... #
0:11:42 > 0:11:47Hey, I tell you what, you know the festive season is upon us when TV is riddled with toy adverts.
0:11:47 > 0:11:52Some of the adverts make it look like a boarding-school game of soggy biscuit.
0:11:52 > 0:11:57- What do you got? The new water ooze-blastin' oozinator!- Oh, yuk!
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- Bleugh!- Gross!
0:12:01 > 0:12:05It's like Hogwarts on a Wednesday.
0:12:05 > 0:12:11They're ridiculous. This next clip has got more innuendo than Julian Clary holding a cucumber.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15Amazing pets! How wet will you get from a Loving Licks kiss?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17I should wear a bathing suit!
0:12:17 > 0:12:21- How wet will you get from a Loving Licks kiss?- I need a towel!
0:12:24 > 0:12:27He's so happy that you'll get so wet, you'll need a raincoat.
0:12:30 > 0:12:35If a man came up to you and said, "This dog will get you so wet, you'll need a raincoat,"
0:12:35 > 0:12:37you'd punch him in the face.
0:12:37 > 0:12:42Apparently, this is the number one toy that all kids want for Christmas.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Katie has a new pet. Robbie has one, too. One is cute and sweet.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47The other is fuzzy and finicky.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49They both love to explore, run and play.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52They're hamsters with a mission. Now get out of the way!
0:12:52 > 0:12:54- It's hamster time!- They're crazy!
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Who wants a robot hamster?
0:12:57 > 0:12:59I can only think of one guy.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Bizarrely, they've sold out.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06I couldn't believe it - I got hold of some.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09And just my luck, the day they arrived, this turned up in the papers.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Look at that. According to the Mail, they can give you cancer.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Don't worry, though, kids, I've made sure they can't hurt you.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20DIE!
0:13:20 > 0:13:22They're going down.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30Anything to say, fuck-face?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Did I get his nose?
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Happiest five minutes of my life.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Hey, kids, just looking out for your future.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08I tell you what, it's been a bad week for rodent toys.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09Did anyone see this?
0:14:09 > 0:14:10A toy mouse that
0:14:10 > 0:14:12is supposed to sing Jingle Bells
0:14:12 > 0:14:14has been recalled
0:14:14 > 0:14:18because apparently, it sings, "Paedophile". Have a listen.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28(SOUNDS LIKE) # Paedophile, paedophile, paedo all the way
0:14:28 > 0:14:32# Oh, what fun it is to ride on a one-horse open sleigh
0:14:32 > 0:14:35# Paedophile, paedophile, paedo all the way
0:14:35 > 0:14:41# Oh, what fun it is to ride on a one-horse open sleigh. #
0:14:41 > 0:14:46Does anyone else find it slightly ironic you've got to touch it to make it sing paedo?
0:14:46 > 0:14:49We'd all love this. How brilliant would it make Christmas?
0:14:49 > 0:14:52You could put it next to your sleeping brother.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53# Paedophile, paedophile. #
0:14:53 > 0:14:55You could take it to midnight mass.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57# Paedophile, paedophile. #
0:14:57 > 0:15:00There will be dads all over stealing it from their children.
0:15:00 > 0:15:06"Daddy needs this for down the pub." "Oi, Terry! You know what you are?" # Paedophile, paedophile. #
0:15:06 > 0:15:08The rat never lies, Terry!
0:15:08 > 0:15:10The rat never lies.
0:15:10 > 0:15:15# We are waiting for For the Saviour's day. #
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Bit of Cliff.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Jesus is everywhere this year, and I mean everywhere.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Jesus is on my iron.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25You see his head, his hair, his ears.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27His eyes, his nose.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31Does she honestly believe that Jesus was in heaven going, "See you later, Dad.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35"I'm off down to earth to dry some pants with my face."
0:15:35 > 0:15:37"What about spreading the message of peace, son?"
0:15:37 > 0:15:39"Fuck that. I hate wrinkly stuff."
0:15:41 > 0:15:43There are two things I've never understood. One,
0:15:43 > 0:15:48how did Captain Kirk get through the entire Star Trek episodes
0:15:48 > 0:15:50without once flicking Spock's ears?
0:15:50 > 0:15:53And two, why does Christ always appear in dull places?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Like an Ikea door in Glasgow.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Look at that.
0:15:58 > 0:16:03It's Jesus with his melty face and many chins.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Here he is on a Marmite lid.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11How naive is that? He's cutting out 50% of his market.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13A few people - "Oh, yeah.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16"Very clever, Russell, you love it or hate it."
0:16:16 > 0:16:20And a few people who didn't get it going, "Oh, yeah. Aha!"
0:16:20 > 0:16:23He's everywhere. Here he is on a cheesy Wotsit.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28What I want to know,
0:16:28 > 0:16:32has anyone ever seen Jesus on their food and just been too hungry?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35What if he appeared on a Gu pudding?
0:16:35 > 0:16:39Well, that is the Almighty, but I bloody love these.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44You're eating Jesus! Holy shit! Yes, it will be.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48If I was Jesus, I wouldn't appear in an iron.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50I'd be in the soap of this lady.
0:16:52 > 0:16:57"I'm not being funny, Ashley, but I don't like that new soap."
0:16:57 > 0:16:59"I'm Cheryl Cole, man.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02"I don't need that in me face."
0:17:02 > 0:17:07"I was in the shower the other day, washing me jubblies,
0:17:07 > 0:17:08"and I heard it giggle."
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Yeah, that's a pretty good impression of Cheryl Cole.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Such a lovely moment when you were going, "Is that...
0:17:16 > 0:17:19"I think that's meant to be Cheryl Cole."
0:17:19 > 0:17:21"Nobody say anything, just look at the floor."
0:17:21 > 0:17:27# I wish it could be Christmas every day... #
0:17:27 > 0:17:30For me, the best thing about Christmas is the two F's.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Food and family.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36- Nothing beats watching... - CHEEKY LAUGH FROM AUDIENCE MEMBER
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Lovely laugh. "I liked that, that was a nice one, that."
0:17:39 > 0:17:44Nothing beats watching Uncle Buck whilst your nan wakes herself up by farting. Is there a better thing?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52"I'm very musical today!"
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Which is a lovely way of saying you stink of shit.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58Last year, my cousin brought her boyfriend round and he said,
0:17:58 > 0:18:02"You know, I don't believe in the commercialisation of Christmas."
0:18:02 > 0:18:05And my Mum went, "What you mean is, you're tight.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08"No gravy for you-oo!"
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Oh, man, the food at Christmas!
0:18:10 > 0:18:14Adverts like this that make you want to shag the telly.
0:18:15 > 0:18:20Hand-prepared turkey with grape and apple and sage stuffing,
0:18:20 > 0:18:23wrapped in maple cured bacon.
0:18:24 > 0:18:32Lincolnshire red cabbage with cranberries...
0:18:35 > 0:18:37That is food porn, isn't it?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Sat in front of the telly, moaning with a boner.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42HE MOANS
0:18:42 > 0:18:45I'm hungry, not horny!
0:18:45 > 0:18:49Turn the telly off, Mum! Turn the telly off!
0:18:49 > 0:18:53I tell you what's the best thing about Christmas dinner.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Pigs in blankets. Look at them. Oh!
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Feel the noise!
0:18:58 > 0:19:00People sat at home going, "Ooh, that'll do!"
0:19:00 > 0:19:04You could turn a vegan with those. They're incredible!
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Some genius went, "I'll tell you what this sausage needs,
0:19:07 > 0:19:09"a waistcoat made of bacon."
0:19:09 > 0:19:13And it's not just the meat. It's pretty much a vegetable gangbang.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Carrots kissing parsnips, potatoes rubbing against swedes.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19And then it happens. You see the sprouts.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:19:21 > 0:19:27They ruin it every year! They return like a plateful of thrush!
0:19:29 > 0:19:34And your mum always makes you eat one. "I'm 29." "Eat one!
0:19:34 > 0:19:37"Eat one sprout or I swear to God, I'll knock you the fuck out!"
0:19:40 > 0:19:43And the drink! How pissed do you get?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46If you burped near a child, you'd kill it.
0:19:46 > 0:19:52And you always end up necking things you'd only touch when you're desperate. Port? Hello!
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Vermouth? Don't mind if I do!
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Cointreau, you orangey little bastard.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Come to Daddy!
0:20:00 > 0:20:05And, let's be honest, sometimes we all have a bit too much.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16Now, this time of year means office parties, an opportunity to get drunk and piss about.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Someone always gets hammered and wanders over to the photocopier.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44"How was the party, love?"
0:20:44 > 0:20:46"I've got glass in my arse."
0:20:46 > 0:20:50I'll tell you what, if you're going to drink, don't get naked.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52People might take advantage.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59I love the way there'll be someone sat at home going, "That's me!"
0:20:59 > 0:21:04I'll tell you what, don't let anyone record you if you're drunk.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Amy, are you drunk?"
0:21:06 > 0:21:11- I am drunk... - INDISTINCT SPEECH
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Amy, did you snog some random?
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Did you wrap your legs round him, Amy?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19I wrapped my legs around someone.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22I don't know who the fuck he is, though.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24SHE SCREAMS
0:21:26 > 0:21:30Jesus. Imagine her coming towards you with some mistletoe!
0:21:30 > 0:21:34I hate mistletoe, it's pretty much the Rohypnol of the foliage world.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Some poor bloke's going to wake up next to Amy.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39"Did we have sex last night?"
0:21:39 > 0:21:41SHE SCREAMS
0:21:45 > 0:21:47And then she'll get her arse out.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57"Wahey!" It's Christmas time, which means this guy is back.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Hi, my name's Andy Park, better known as Mr Christmas,
0:22:00 > 0:22:03the man that celebrates Christmas every day.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Creepy!
0:22:04 > 0:22:09The first question that springs to mind is, "When did she leave you?"
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Have you seen what he has for breakfast?
0:22:16 > 0:22:22If ever there was a meal that screamed mental breakdown, that is it.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Apparently he's eaten 5,000 turkeys and 100,000 sprouts.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Who counts their food?
0:22:28 > 0:22:32One sprout, two sprout, three sprout.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33I'm Mr Christmas!
0:22:33 > 0:22:36You're Mr Denial.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38He's after a Christmas number one.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Have a look at his video, see what you think.
0:22:40 > 0:22:45# Every day, every week, every month, every year
0:22:45 > 0:22:47# Every time, everywhere... #
0:22:47 > 0:22:51I still want that Christmas number one.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55So, it's another year, let's see how it goes.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Never going to happen, weirdo.
0:22:57 > 0:23:02There's more chance of seeing Osama Bin Laden on Alan Carr's Chatty Man.
0:23:02 > 0:23:07He'll get a Christmas number one the day Stephen Hawkings appears on Robot Wars.
0:23:08 > 0:23:13# It was only a winter's tale... #
0:23:13 > 0:23:15This is where my wonderful production team
0:23:15 > 0:23:20have searched through the week's news to try and surprise me with a topical guest.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23So, let's see who they've found. Please welcome my mystery guest.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25# What's that coming over the hill
0:23:25 > 0:23:29# Is it a monster? Is it a monster? #
0:23:34 > 0:23:38- Take a seat, Russell. - Hello.- How are you?
0:23:38 > 0:23:40- All right?- Not bad.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45What are you doing? No, no, where is this ending?
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Wow, look at this.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Do you know, I think it's safe to say I'm probably not going to take the piss out of you.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Do you like the ledge?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05- Nice to meet you, man. What's your name?- I'm Neil.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09All right, Neil? How tall are you, Neil?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12- I'm 7"7'.- 7"7'?! Wow.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19I'm so scared of you, Neil, I can't tell you.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23And you know that. Well, Neil, why have you been in the news?
0:24:23 > 0:24:28- It's a production.- It's a production? - Yeah.- OK. Is it some form of panto?
0:24:28 > 0:24:30- It is.- OK. Are you playing...
0:24:30 > 0:24:34- A dwarf?- It would be great if you were playing a dwarf. Fantastic.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36All I'm thinking about is your poor mum.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Jesus.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40Sorry!
0:24:40 > 0:24:46- So, you're playing panto? Whereabouts in the country? - At the Lighthouse Theatre in Poole.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49The Lighthouse Theatre in Poole? A big cheer, over there.
0:24:49 > 0:24:54- Do you have any idea why he might be in the news?- Jack And The Beanstalk! - There you go.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Thanks, helpers. Where were you when I was doing my exams?
0:24:57 > 0:25:02- So, are you in Jack And The Beanstalk?- I am.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05- And...- OK, please don't have a gun.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06There's some magic beans.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Oh, really? Fee, fie, fo, fum.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Plant these magic beans and grow your very own beanstalk.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Measure it every day and see how tall it grows.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Excellent. Thanks very much, man.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19So, presumably, are you the tallest man in panto ever?
0:25:19 > 0:25:24Yes. I think that the role has never been played by...
0:25:24 > 0:25:25- A giant.- An actor.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Are you a giant? You must have had some fun.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Yeah, I guess I'm classed as one.
0:25:31 > 0:25:37- I bet you've mucked around on a mini-golf course, haven't you? - Definitely.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Just little kids, "Oh, my God."
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Are you taller than your dad?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- Yeah.- How tall's your dad? That would be amazing.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47- About 5"10'.- Is he? That's incredible.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51Go to your room. Go to your room...
0:25:51 > 0:25:57No, I'm moving into yours, Dad. Not with mum, I mean...
0:25:59 > 0:26:03While talking about this, I reckon this is the first interview ever on TV
0:26:03 > 0:26:09where the person doing the interview will have to, at one stage, go, "Can you help me down?"
0:26:09 > 0:26:14Do you reckon you could knock out a horse?
0:26:14 > 0:26:15No.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22Do you reckon you could knock out a pig? Like, with one punch?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24No.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Labrador?
0:26:28 > 0:26:30- Yeah.- Yeah?
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Has anyone got a Labrador?
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Wouldn't it be a wonderful way of celebrating Christmas?
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Genuinely, lovely to meet you. Sorry if I bombard you
0:26:39 > 0:26:44with silly questions, but it's very rare you meet a 7 foot 7 man. Thank you very much.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54So, as this is the final episode of Good News this year,
0:26:54 > 0:26:58I thought I'd end with some of the best bits of 2009. Enjoy!
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Congratulations, Mr President.
0:27:05 > 0:27:12- Now here comes Jenson Button, the 2009 World Champion. - I'm World Champion, baby.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15The first particle beam to circle the Large Hadron Collider,
0:27:15 > 0:27:18also known as the Big Bang Machine.
0:27:22 > 0:27:27David Haye is the WBA heavyweight champion of the world.
0:27:38 > 0:27:39Slumdog Millionaire.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00True American hero.
0:28:08 > 0:28:12There you go. Have a wonderful Christmas and a fantastic new year.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Thanks for watching, good night.
0:28:19 > 0:28:24Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:24 > 0:28:28E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk