0:00:02 > 0:00:03- Coming up...- Hello?
0:00:03 > 0:00:05Pulling a cracker...
0:00:05 > 0:00:07Come here, doll, how are you?!
0:00:08 > 0:00:11..popping a popper...
0:00:11 > 0:00:12Yay!
0:00:12 > 0:00:15..and nicking St Nick.
0:00:15 > 0:00:19Are you asking people to believe that that horse is a reindeer?
0:00:19 > 0:00:25Good King Justice is served deep and crisp and even.
0:00:25 > 0:00:29Believe me, the city centre's just Sodom and Gomorrah.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31This is Seasonal Scot Squad.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Crimbo is a boom time for crims.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Reassuring the public is the job of Scot Squad Chief Commissioner,
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Cameron Miekelson...
0:00:53 > 0:00:56You know, your sly criminal
0:00:56 > 0:00:58disguises himself as Father Christmas
0:00:58 > 0:01:01and draws us into his web.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04..pulling his personal message of peace
0:01:04 > 0:01:06from a sack full of good cheer.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11Yes, I've to sign quite a number of Christmas cards, as you can imagine.
0:01:11 > 0:01:16We've actually had a few complaints about this year's Christmas card,
0:01:16 > 0:01:19in that it's not fitting in with the spirit of Christmas,
0:01:19 > 0:01:22it's not jolly enough, it's not festive enough.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24But I don't know. You be the judge.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26What's wrong with that?
0:01:26 > 0:01:28I mean, if that doesn't say Christmas to you,
0:01:28 > 0:01:31then I don't know what does.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35Dear Nicola... Oh, Jane, I'm going to do personally Sturgeon,
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Davidson and Dugdale.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39If you could do everybody else.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Oh, no, hang on. I'll do the captain of the Muirfield Golf Club, yeah?
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Boy's had a hard year.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49Festive office parties can lead to booze-fuelled carnage...
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Hello, officer!
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Hello!
0:01:53 > 0:01:56..all over the streets of Scotland.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58I caught it!
0:01:58 > 0:02:01No stranger to mistletoe or mayhem,
0:02:01 > 0:02:04volunteer officer Ken Beattie.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08People can drink excessively at Christmas, and I experienced that.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11I seen a young woman lying on the ground,
0:02:11 > 0:02:14and I offered to help her cos I wasn't sure
0:02:14 > 0:02:16if she was homeless or just drunk.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Turns out she was drunk.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Incredibly drunk.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21It's OK.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Excuse me.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Hello?
0:02:25 > 0:02:28And I've actually came across her before.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30- Ken Beattie?- Yes, that's correct.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33It's me. Jamie Lee.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37Her name is Miss Jamie Lee McGurk.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40She lives in a area that I patrol.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Come here, doll! How are you?!
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- Jamie Lee!- I haven't seen you for ages!
0:02:45 > 0:02:46- Oh, my God.- How are you, doll?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48I'm good, thank you, how are you?
0:02:48 > 0:02:49I've had a great Christmas.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50I can see that.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53I was out for lunch, I'm humming of chicken tikka masala.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56I can smell that and a lot of alcohol.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59I know, I just had a Prosecco, it's less calories.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03OK. Let's try and get you up, get you in a taxi and get you home.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05You're looking brilliant.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07That's very nice of you, thank you.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Have you lost the belly?
0:03:08 > 0:03:10A wee bit, I've...
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- You're looking great.- Oh, thank you.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- You too.- I've lost a bit and all.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Yes. Got a nice glow to you.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20I'm like china in your hand.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23SHE LAUGHS
0:03:23 > 0:03:25OK. Right.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Oh, I've had a great day.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Let's get you up, get you in a taxi.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32- Taxi!- Taxi, aye.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34- Taxi!- OK, right.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36- Taxi!- Sh, sh, come on.
0:03:36 > 0:03:37This is a public area, right.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Taxi.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40# Careless whispers... #
0:03:40 > 0:03:42No, no, no singing.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45No, Miss McGurk. Come on now. Please.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Yes.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48Ooh, I'm really sorry.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50It's OK, it's OK.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Don't... Please, please, don't cry.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Listen, listen. Just listen to me for one minute!
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Stop talking at me!
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Sorry.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01I fancy Rob, right?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04The guy that sits next to me.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06And he doesn't like me.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Says I'm no his type...
0:04:09 > 0:04:11..doesn't like ginger.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- He shouldn't be saying things like that.- No, he shouldn't be.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17- You know what it feels like. - I'm strawberry blonde, but...
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Do you know what they used to sing to me at school?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21What's that?
0:04:21 > 0:04:25# Ginger hair is unacceptable. #
0:04:25 > 0:04:27They shouldn't be singing that.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29You're just a gorgeous, wee doll, aren't you?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Well, I'm a man, but OK.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- Are you ready?- Right, OK, wait a minute.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35I'll need to go on all fours, I've got a bad back.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37- OK.- Hold on.- Right.
0:04:37 > 0:04:38Get away from me, back up.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40- Sorry.- I'll buckaroo you!
0:04:40 > 0:04:41SHE LAUGHS
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Right, come on.
0:04:43 > 0:04:48I managed to, eventually, after much exertion, lift her up off her feet.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Right, hold on, hold on to that there.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55Miss McGurk. Come on now.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58And tried to get her into a taxi.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02You and your wee peachy cheeks have come and saved me.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- It's a pleasure, right?- Look at your wee eyelashes,
0:05:07 > 0:05:08you're like a wee horse.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Traffic officers, Singh and McKirdy,
0:05:13 > 0:05:16know what's fit for a holiday highway when they see it.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Space hoppers.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Come on. Get aff!
0:05:20 > 0:05:27But when they clock off, they kick back and get the tinselly tunes on.
0:05:31 > 0:05:38- HE SINGS ALONG: - # I saw Mummy kissing Santa Claus... #
0:05:38 > 0:05:42- Good tune.- I like that one, aye, I like that one.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43That would be cool, wouldn't it,
0:05:43 > 0:05:45if your maw had an affair with Santa Claus, wouldn't it?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Maybe not an affair.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50All my maw's boyfriends have been shitebags.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- # You have been... # - Do you know the words?
0:05:53 > 0:05:59# Kissing Santa Claus again... #
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Apart from the chorus.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03I did. I did.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06They were winching in front of the settee.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08I came doon and caught them.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- Poor woman.- Do you know what the song's about?
0:06:13 > 0:06:17A wee boy finds his maw winching Santa.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18No, it's about a wee...
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Well, he thinks it's Santa, but it's actually his mum kissing his dad.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25- Aw, is it?- Dressed as Santa.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26I just figured that out.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Do you think the maw wanted the father
0:06:29 > 0:06:30to put the costume on for her,
0:06:30 > 0:06:31for her kicks?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35She's maybe a wee bit kinky that way.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38- Aye.- Could be. People are into all kinds of things.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42# Oh, I'd love to go away
0:06:42 > 0:06:45# When Santa doesn't say
0:06:45 > 0:06:51# Mummy's kissing Santa Claus again. #
0:06:54 > 0:06:58Back at the volunteer's rescue mission...
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Right, come on, you're nearly there, Miss McGurk.
0:07:00 > 0:07:05Ken must get Jamie Lee in a black hack before the mob sees red.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07We finally got to the taxi queue.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11It was very busy, but I used my force of the law
0:07:11 > 0:07:15to get to the front of the queue because I had to get her home.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17She was doing my head in, to be honest.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20I'm an officer of the law and I need to commandeer this taxi queue.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- I'm fed up waiting!- Well, I understand it's a busy time of year,
0:07:23 > 0:07:25but this young lady...
0:07:25 > 0:07:28- She's intoxicated!- She is, she's very intoxicated.
0:07:28 > 0:07:29I've had a good day.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31I'm not intoxicated.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- Stop pointing your pointer at me! - Right, no, come on, come on, ladies.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35- We can all point!- Excuse me, taxi.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Get in now! Come on, hurry up!
0:07:38 > 0:07:39- I've nae money.- I'll give you money.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- Come on, get in.- That bitch... - BLEEP.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Miss McGurk, get in!
0:07:44 > 0:07:45Please get in! Oh, God!
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Right, right!
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Right, get in!
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Right, sit down, put your seatbelt on, Miss McGurk. Sit down!
0:07:53 > 0:07:56We got home, and then she invited me in.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59I said no, you know, my job is done.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00I'd got her home safely,
0:08:00 > 0:08:02but she insisted and she can be very forceful.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05You are needing a reward, a wee mince pie.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- No. No.- Nope, come in.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10- Miss McGurk, I'm fine honestly.- Come in.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11I really need to be going.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13- Ken!- Right, that's your key.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15- You get the key.- Miss McGurk, please can I go?
0:08:15 > 0:08:18# I got the key! I got the secret! #
0:08:18 > 0:08:20I'm only joking, come on.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22- Your key's in the...- I'll get it.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23Just get in.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Wipe your feet.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33So looks like an Advent calendar, doesn't it?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Actually it's a Radgevent calendar, yeah?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Now this is a little initiative of mine.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40I brought it in about three years ago.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42It's to combine a bit of Christmas cheer
0:08:42 > 0:08:44with solid investigative police work,
0:08:44 > 0:08:47because behind every window,
0:08:47 > 0:08:52you have a photograph of one of Scotland's Most Wanted.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55There's Frankie Four Fingers there.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58And it's just to help the police keep the faces in their mind.
0:08:58 > 0:09:03We, initially, we did one that the faces actually to be chocolates,
0:09:03 > 0:09:06but actually to carve the faces
0:09:06 > 0:09:09of some of these knuckleheeds was just...
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Well, it was prohibitively expensive.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13So we just went with the photographs.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15There's another one, there he is.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Oh, can't believe he's still known.
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Mental McSweeney.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22There we are. You know, it's just a bit of Christmas fun.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25MUSIC: Joy To The World by Isaac Watts
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Christmas might mean joy to the world,
0:09:28 > 0:09:30but shonky rip-off merchants
0:09:30 > 0:09:33bring misery to the naive and the gullible.
0:09:33 > 0:09:38Country cops, McIntosh and McKay ensure that the only thing getting
0:09:38 > 0:09:43ripped off this year is the wrapping paper on Christmas morning.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Some people think that Christmas is too commercialised these days,
0:09:46 > 0:09:47but at least that means
0:09:47 > 0:09:49that there is a professional trading standard to meet.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52We'd received a number of complaints
0:09:52 > 0:09:54that the Christmassy Wonderland,
0:09:54 > 0:09:58ran by Owen Bawtree, was no such thing.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02No Christmassy and no wonder.
0:10:02 > 0:10:03Oh, Charlie.
0:10:03 > 0:10:08What is this? For the love of Father Christmas.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Just a deflated sorry snow thing.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Rudolph the Red Nose Tractor.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- Have you seen that?- You're kidding? No.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17- No!- His nose is scraped.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21Even the fake Santa looks like an alcoholic.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- Is that real?- There's a goat.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28- Mr Bawtree?- Correct, how are we? - Are you the proprietor of this...?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Wonderland, I think you'll find this is called.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33This is not Wonderland, this is hell.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36We've received a number of complaints about your place here.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37People are feeling ripped off.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39What's... What is this?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41This isn't even a safe structure.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44This is an early Santa's chimney.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45In the old days,
0:10:45 > 0:10:49I used to practise coming down this chimney all year.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50You've got antlers on a horse.
0:10:50 > 0:10:55Are you asking people to believe that that horse is a reindeer?
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Look, we've got this beautiful gravel for them.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02They can slide along, they can have a great time here.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Mr Claus, Bawtree, please explain the goat.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Yeah, that's a scene straight from Jurassic Park.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11That's just been waiting to be eaten.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13What's that got to do with Christmas?
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Jurassic Park's always on at Christmas.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Things have been hard.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21Mrs Claus, she left, the country's on its knees,
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Brexit's taken control.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25You're trying to claim that you're Santa Claus.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Yeah, this is false advertising entirely.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28I don't believe that for a second.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30We're going to have to shut this down.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32We can't let you carry on like this, we can't.
0:11:32 > 0:11:33OK.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37This bad Santa's straight on the naughty list.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Claus's kingdom of crud won't be coming to town.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42It's been closed down.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46Another gift from the Scot Squad.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48So we're having an issue with Black Friday.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Black Friday, in police parlance,
0:11:51 > 0:11:53was the codename we gave to the Friday before Christmas
0:11:53 > 0:11:58where the maximum amount of office parties took place.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Believe me, the city centre's just Sodom and Gomorrah.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06You know, it's like a century's worth of Celtic Rangers games
0:12:06 > 0:12:08have been played in one day.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09Suddenly, Black Friday,
0:12:09 > 0:12:10we import from America
0:12:10 > 0:12:12that Black Friday's just the name of the sales day.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16So we can't have two Black Fridays.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Operationally, that's a minefield.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21You know, imagine you're called out to a Black Friday incident,
0:12:21 > 0:12:22you're heading down,
0:12:22 > 0:12:25you think it's just a bit of a kerfuffle in TK Maxx.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Actually, you should have your riot gear on because it's all kicking off
0:12:28 > 0:12:31between Brenda from Accounts and Helen from PR.
0:12:31 > 0:12:36So what we need is a new name for OUR Black Friday.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39We've got Mental Friday, Scotland's Shame Friday -
0:12:39 > 0:12:40a bit preachy -
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Crazy Bastard Friday.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45It's Crazy Bastard Friday!
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Which it is, but maybe it might offend the old people.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Apocalypse Friday, I like, but it's just, it's very hellish.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55So I think in the end I'm going to go for Doomsday
0:12:55 > 0:13:00because I think it's simple, it's old school, it's true.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Back at McGurk's grotto,
0:13:02 > 0:13:07volunteer Beattie strives to keep his mind on the job.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10So went inside,
0:13:10 > 0:13:12she offered me a drink,
0:13:12 > 0:13:16and I turned it down cos I was working and, well,
0:13:16 > 0:13:18things took a rather
0:13:18 > 0:13:21amorous turn, shall we say.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Right, Ken, I've put four on the plate.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- OK.- Just in case you're hungry.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28I'm fine, Miss McGurk, honestly.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Right. You wanting a pie?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32No, no, no. Honestly, I couldn't.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34- A wee pie?- No, no.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Listen, I think you should have a pie.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38You've been working hard.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41I have been working hard, but, honestly, I really don't want a pie.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43I'm just glad that you're OK now.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45I'm fine. I'm fine cos of you.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49Cos you came and rescued me.
0:13:49 > 0:13:50It's OK, Miss.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52- CRIES:- That's how I'm all right. - Please don't cry.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53Honestly...
0:13:53 > 0:13:54Take my shoes off.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01I mean, I've been doing great.
0:14:01 > 0:14:02Ken, you'd be dead proud of me.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06You know. Oh, they're bowfing, I know, sorry.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10I've been on the wagon.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13I've no been having parties or drinking that much.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15I've been doing well. Smell them.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17- No, that's...- I really need to go now, Miss McGurk, honestly.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19No, no, no!
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Have a mince pie and settle yourself!
0:14:21 > 0:14:25No, no, I really don't want a mince pie.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27What DO you want?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29I want to go home, if that's OK.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33Is that really what you want? You don't even want a wee brokie?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35I don't know what that means, Miss McGurk.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36A wee bit of mince pie.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Take that.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42I'm fine, Miss McGurk, honestly.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44I don't want any mince pie.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46I need to go.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48I need...
0:14:48 > 0:14:51I need to... I've got duties that I need to attend to.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54I've never seen your eyes looking so blue.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00Ken, you make me feel alive inside.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02- That's good.- Ken...
0:15:02 > 0:15:05don't say anything, just listen.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Don't talk, just kiss.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12- Just kiss.- Miss McGurk, please.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15I know you want this.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17I'm worried she had so much alcohol in her system
0:15:17 > 0:15:18that she actually got me drunk
0:15:18 > 0:15:20by kissing me.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23So I vacated the property as a good man would do,
0:15:23 > 0:15:25'not because of the kissing,
0:15:25 > 0:15:27'because her husband came and threatened to kill me.'
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Your husband? Oh, my God.
0:15:29 > 0:15:30I'm married.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31- Sorry!- I'm married!- I had no idea!
0:15:31 > 0:15:34You never let me do anything in this hoose!
0:15:34 > 0:15:38- Oh, shit!- Get to- BLEEP,- wee man!- BLEEP.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40I'll be speaking to your boss in the morning, you wee dick.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Please don't, please don't!
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Christmas or no Christmas,
0:15:44 > 0:15:48at the Scottish Police Force Telecommunications HQ,
0:15:48 > 0:15:51the service never stops.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53You went to a buy a puppy for your boy for Christmas,
0:15:53 > 0:15:57but on closer inspection, you think it's actually a lizard?
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Maggie LeBeau spills the beans
0:16:00 > 0:16:05on how the crack team split the shifts on December 25th.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08So people often ask the question -
0:16:08 > 0:16:11how do you decide who works on Christmas Day?
0:16:11 > 0:16:14The method that we use is actually the Christmas hat method.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16We started using that last year.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Everyone in the office makes their own hat,
0:16:18 > 0:16:21and whoever's hat is voted the worst
0:16:21 > 0:16:23has to work on Christmas Day.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26So it's both fair and fun.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31I'm sorry, but how is that better than this?
0:16:31 > 0:16:34My hat was made of Brussels sprouts.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36What's more Christmassy than Brussels sprouts?
0:16:36 > 0:16:40What can I say? I'm working on Christmas Day.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Not everyone gets the Christmas gifts they were hoping for,
0:16:43 > 0:16:45but when gifts go bad,
0:16:45 > 0:16:50desk sergeant Karen Ann Millar has sympathy
0:16:50 > 0:16:53for those feeling blue or red-raw.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Bobby, felicitations on this fine festive Friday.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58What can I do for you?
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Bobby's sore.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03You've come out in a wee bit of a rash, haven't you?
0:17:03 > 0:17:05- Yeah.- What's caused that?
0:17:05 > 0:17:11Well, I think it might either be too many grapes.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- Right.- Or there was this guy selling aftershave,
0:17:14 > 0:17:16and he was selling them for dead cheap
0:17:16 > 0:17:19and I got a good deal for Christmas.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21What's...? Let's...
0:17:21 > 0:17:22Smell that. It's like vinegar.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23I can definitely smell it.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27- Yeah, it's...- It's like a nice vinegar, it's no a bad vinegar.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29What type of aftershave is it you've got there?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32It's Tommy Hilfinger.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34- Hilfinger?- Yeah.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Yeah, it's Tommy Hilfiger that makes the aftershave.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38Yeah. Aye, but this is...
0:17:38 > 0:17:41The guy says that's his cousin.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43- Right.- Well, that one might be dodgy
0:17:43 > 0:17:48but he had other ones there as well called Hugo's Bus.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50The problem is counterfeit goods like this
0:17:50 > 0:17:54can be extremely hazardous to human health.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57One of the big giveaways is it's called designer "lable".
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Right?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02And that's not really something you're looking for in an aftershave.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I would probably go home and wash that off right now.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06My chin feels like it's got a heartbeat.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Yeah, that's not an encouraging thing.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Something's beating.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13I think you should go home and wash it off, OK?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Thanks for your advice, right.
0:18:15 > 0:18:16Happy festives, Bobby.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Thanks very much, Officer Karen, and have a Merry Christmas, right?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21- Merry Christmas.- See you later.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Scotland is a diverse country
0:18:26 > 0:18:29and the Scottish Police Force reflects that.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31We are a diverse institution,
0:18:31 > 0:18:35which is why today I'm rolling out and starting this here.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39Scottish Police Force celebrates your celebration,
0:18:39 > 0:18:41honouring all Scotland's celebrations.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Now, over the next few months,
0:18:43 > 0:18:48I'm going to celebrate every single celebration that's in the calendar.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52And we're starting this very day with, I believe, yes,
0:18:52 > 0:18:55it is Guru Nanak's birthday.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59Right... Delicious.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Thank you very much. So you're telling me that
0:19:02 > 0:19:05part of... If you go to the temple, you get samosas?
0:19:05 > 0:19:09Yes, samosas, you get chapatis, you get curries as well.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11And you don't have to be a Sikh?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13It's open to everyone and anyone.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14It's open to everyone?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17- Yes, indeed.- How are you boys so trim?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19There we go. One, two, three, go!
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Thank you for giving me the dashiki.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Did you bring any food with you?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26I knew about the bagels, of course.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27Didn't know about the jelly doughnut.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Let's have a mince pie.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33So you boys are back in the SPL, eh?
0:19:33 > 0:19:38Druids and Druidry are at the very heart of my policing priorities.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40I'll have a wee bit more of your fruits and berries, though,
0:19:40 > 0:19:42if that's OK with you.
0:19:42 > 0:19:43Tuck in, delicious.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45So can I tuck into the rice at any point?
0:19:45 > 0:19:46I'll take that as a yes.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Rice puddingy.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56So the Scottish Police Force celebrates your celebration.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58I think it was a roaring success.
0:19:58 > 0:20:04OK, I'm maybe carrying a little excess baggage, put a few pounds on.
0:20:04 > 0:20:09Soon shed that, get myself back on the 5:2 diet.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Oh, I didn't realise...
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Right, January 7th is Ethiopian Christmas Day.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Didn't realise that.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Jane, could you get me the head of
0:20:17 > 0:20:20the Ethiopian Church of Scotland, please?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Do I wish it could be Christmas every day?
0:20:23 > 0:20:24No. I don't.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28That would be a nightmare. I wish it could be bin day every day
0:20:28 > 0:20:32because mine only is uplifted once a week, and that's not nearly enough.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Nights out can be a nightmare.
0:20:37 > 0:20:44Luckily, PCs, McLaren and Fletcher are watchful for the worse for wear.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45Get a feel, enjoy yourself.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47THEY WHOOP
0:20:47 > 0:20:52When you're all over the place, they're all over the scene.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55At Christmas time, we find that a lot of people, you know,
0:20:55 > 0:20:58they have more Christmas nights out,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00they maybe drink a little bit more than they usually do
0:21:00 > 0:21:02and they make bad decisions.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Oh, hello.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05You OK, there?
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- You all right, there?- Hi, I'm fabulous, thanks, how are you?
0:21:08 > 0:21:11- Yeah.- You had a wee couple of drinks the night, have you?
0:21:11 > 0:21:12- Aye.- Are you on your own?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14No, I'm just waiting on my pal.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15He's just went for a pish up the lane.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17- Oh, right.- Right.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19OK. We might just stay with you till he comes back then.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- Yeah, is that all right?- Aye, you'll know who he is.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23- Steady on your feet.- We'll know who he is?
0:21:23 > 0:21:25- Aye. Yeah. Do you like football? - Yeah, yeah.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Do you know Leigh Griffiths?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29- Yeah.- Aye.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Guess who's up the lane.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33This lassie, blootered,
0:21:33 > 0:21:36she tells us that she's got this Premiership footballer up the close,
0:21:36 > 0:21:40which is exciting for her, it's no so exciting for us, really.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Leigh Griffiths is having a slash up the lane?
0:21:42 > 0:21:46Aye. I met him when I was on my work's night out.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Here he comes.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50- Who?- Leigh.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52- This is...- Leigh Griffiths?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Aye. Oh, come and introduce yourself.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57- Of course.- Big fan.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Leigh!
0:21:58 > 0:22:00We actually knew who it was.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03He's a criminal who we had apprehended before.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07Just about to tell them about playing Barcelona next week.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10- That's right.- He's getting me tickets.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11Oh, that's good of you.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13If that's everything, can we just...?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15No, no, no. It would be great to chat.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Tell them about the charity match with One Direction.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20- There's a charity match.- Playing in a charity match.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22With One Direction?
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Are you taking your pal, aye?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25You're a bit out of shape for...
0:22:25 > 0:22:27It's the winter. Winter break.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28Is it?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30- I thought youse were playing Boxing Day?- Not a New Year's match?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32- New Year match?- Don't remind me.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34I'll have to run it all aff that day.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35Aye.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37And you're a lot shorter off the telly.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Well, the telly adds a foot.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41- A foot.- What is it you play?
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- It is centre half, isn't it?- I play all over the joint.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46- All over the joint?- All over the gaff, mate.
0:22:46 > 0:22:51I've been a striker, the two side bits, the middle, the goalie,
0:22:51 > 0:22:53good with my hands and that.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55- Were you a goalie?- You've scored the night, eh?
0:22:55 > 0:22:59- I have, mate! I have, mate.- You have?
0:22:59 > 0:23:04I tell you what, see with a big match coming up, like you have,
0:23:04 > 0:23:06I'll get you a taxi.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Why don't you pay for it, since you're a Premiership footballer?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11- Yes.- Why don't you pay for it and a tip?
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Listen, I don't want to stand in the way of you doing well, Leigh.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15You wanting chips?
0:23:15 > 0:23:16That'll do your taxi.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Wee box of noodles, have chips as well.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- You're a good man, Leigh.- That's it, that is smashing.
0:23:21 > 0:23:22- You have a lovely...- Good, good man.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- I'll text you.- You're a smashing bloke, Leigh, honestly.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27- Bye!- Night, Leigh!- It's a shame to see you go.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- Night, hen.- In you go.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31Driver, guess who I met?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Leigh Griffin! Griffiths!
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- Got his autograph.- Merry Christmas!
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Up the road.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42And do not slash up there again, OK?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Merry Christmas, Mr Griffiths.
0:23:45 > 0:23:50Sometimes you've got the protect the public from themselves.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52And horny wee bams.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58Knock, knock, knock,
0:23:58 > 0:24:03it's the Christmas fairy. How you doing?
0:24:03 > 0:24:04I think there is a different feeling
0:24:04 > 0:24:06in the custody suite over the Christmas period.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Obviously, you know, nobody wants to be locked up
0:24:08 > 0:24:10over the festive season.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Right, do you want to pull a wee cracker, there?
0:24:12 > 0:24:16We do our best to try and make it feel as comfortable as we can.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19In a lot of ways, these people become our family.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22For security reasons, I have to take the whole of it,
0:24:22 > 0:24:24but let me see what we've got here.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27I can give you your hat though, so that's nice.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Merry Christmas to you.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33I hope you're going to be a good girl for the rest of the year, OK?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Just mind you don't burn yourself on that turkey there,
0:24:36 > 0:24:38it's a wee bit warm.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41We try and make people comfortable.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43That's your vegan one.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46And we sometimes do see people committing offences deliberately
0:24:46 > 0:24:48to get to spend time with their loved ones
0:24:48 > 0:24:50who are already in custody,
0:24:50 > 0:24:53which is a bit unfortunate cos it bumps our crime figures right up,
0:24:53 > 0:24:55sees a lot of people suffering and, at the same time,
0:24:55 > 0:24:57means that we have to get more crackers in.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00You have a good time.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Every year, there's something at Christmas
0:25:02 > 0:25:04that sounds fantastic for the public,
0:25:04 > 0:25:07but, actually, is a nightmare for the police.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09And this year it's Aberdeen City Council
0:25:09 > 0:25:11came up with the idea.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13We're going to have a giant Christmas tree maze
0:25:13 > 0:25:15right in the city centre.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Now, they come to me and ask for my opinion and advice and I say,
0:25:18 > 0:25:20"Do not do it.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23"That is a catastrophe waiting to happen."
0:25:23 > 0:25:27But oh, no, they bash on anyway, they know better.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29"It'll be fun, it'll be Christmassy."
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Well, lo and behold,
0:25:31 > 0:25:35suddenly we've got our version of the Chilean mining disaster.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38You know. There's 33 people
0:25:38 > 0:25:41trapped in that Christmas tree maze, you know?
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Wandering about, "Whaur we gan? Whaur we gan?"
0:25:45 > 0:25:48"Oh, no, we're running out of butteries!"
0:25:48 > 0:25:51You know. And, listen,
0:25:51 > 0:25:55the relatives of those poor people trapped in that maze,
0:25:55 > 0:25:57they don't want to hear me saying, "I told you so."
0:25:57 > 0:25:59They want to hear me saying, "Don't you worry,
0:25:59 > 0:26:03"I will get your loved ones out of that maze," and I will.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07But I can't help feeling slightly vindicated.
0:26:08 > 0:26:13Hodgemany, a time for reflection and affection.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Where's mine? Come on, you cannae leave me oot.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20The year draws to a close,
0:26:20 > 0:26:26but the roads stay open as PC Singh and McKirdy work through the bells.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30I think with any groups of friends or family that you may have,
0:26:30 > 0:26:32or any place you work,
0:26:32 > 0:26:33you will have your own traditions,
0:26:33 > 0:26:35and we certainly do have our own,
0:26:35 > 0:26:39and we try to make it as fun as we possibly can.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Excuse me, sir, just switch off your engine.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Got some questions about that car
0:26:42 > 0:26:44I'd like to ask you if you just follow
0:26:44 > 0:26:46me back into the police car, would that be OK?
0:26:46 > 0:26:48When the clock strikes midnight,
0:26:48 > 0:26:50we try and get the first criminal of the year.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Want to just charge me...?
0:26:52 > 0:26:53Whoa, whoa, whoa.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Just calm doon, calm doon.
0:26:56 > 0:27:02What we want to do is make you our first arrest of the New Year.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06No just OOR first arrest, but the whole of the police's first arrest.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10- Aye.- So consider this as a sort of pre-arrest.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11- Right.- You're not arrested yet,
0:27:11 > 0:27:13- but you will be arrested.- You're still going to arrest me?
0:27:13 > 0:27:15We're still going to arrest you.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18It's mainly down to pride and, you know,
0:27:18 > 0:27:20you can say that you were the first of that year.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22While we're waiting here...
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Sweet? Go on, then.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Bragging rights.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32You get to just tell other officers,
0:27:32 > 0:27:34"We've done it, we won."
0:27:34 > 0:27:36You know what I mean? Good luck next year, try again.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Get it up youse, kind of thing.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40But we do try and stay humble at the same time.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43You just rub it in, but, cos you fight for it.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45You've got to fight for these things.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53- 'We've never won it.- It's an honour. - This is good for us.'
0:27:53 > 0:27:57- Really happy.- Aye, really happy.
0:27:57 > 0:27:58We can't wipe the smile from our faces.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00I'm proud of him. I'm proud of him.
0:28:00 > 0:28:01HE LAUGHS
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Proud of ourselves because it's not only that,
0:28:04 > 0:28:06it shows you what a good team we are.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09- BOTH:- Five, four, three, two, one!
0:28:09 > 0:28:11CHEERING
0:28:11 > 0:28:13- BOTH:- Happy New Year!
0:28:14 > 0:28:16All the best to yae! Whey!
0:28:16 > 0:28:17And you're arrested!