0:00:02 > 0:00:05Coming up - shotgun-wielding maniacs...
0:00:05 > 0:00:07Bloody hell!
0:00:07 > 0:00:08..speed-crazed lunatics...
0:00:08 > 0:00:11- You can't pepper your brother. - Do it, do it, do it.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14..and a couple of canine lovers go ballistic.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17- You're kidding yourself on.- Aye.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20But there's nothing that can't be handled by the officers
0:00:20 > 0:00:23of the Scottish Police Force.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Watch your head, Britain's tallest man.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27This is Scot Squad.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Policing the public is a two-way highway, and policing that
0:00:44 > 0:00:49highway his way is Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52That's like getting turps from a zebra.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55It just doesn't make sense to me.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58It's very important that the public believe that the
0:00:58 > 0:01:00police are listening, and we are listening.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02I'm listening.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06I mean, not personally, but I have people who listen for me.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Now, the public are going to think,
0:01:08 > 0:01:09"Well, can these people change anything?"
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Well, technically, no,
0:01:11 > 0:01:13because they're kind of on the level of the cleaners.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17Because people have grievances, of course they do.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20We've all... You'll have a grievance. I've got grievances.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23I mean, do you know how hot it gets in this office
0:01:23 > 0:01:26when the sun hits that window there?
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Now, do I want to complain about that? Yes, I do.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Who do I complain to about that?
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Me. Will something get done about it?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Well, I might just open the window a wee bit. So, yes.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38You see?
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Systems and solutions.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44We're listening.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48Decisive leadership from Chief Miekelson inspires traffic cops
0:01:48 > 0:01:53Surjit Singh and Hugh McKirdy to take a hard line with road crime.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56With us it's black and white.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59You break the law, you're going down. Simple as that.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01At least with a mobile phone you get a hands-free kit.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03There's no hands-free kits with a banana.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05I mean, we're often referred to as black rats.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09It's mainly because black rats tend to eat their own.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Oh, that's cool, that is. I like that, the black rats.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14I like that.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18We were once driving along, we seen a car doing 34mph on a 30 zone.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22So, we pulled him in. All right, check out the situation.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Just as we were going onto the pavement,
0:02:24 > 0:02:27she happens to recognise PC Singh.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Oh, hello!
0:02:31 > 0:02:33That's my boy! That's my son!
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- You're Surjit's maw?- Yeah!
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Surjit, it's your maw. I cannae believe it.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40- Oh.- How are you?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I'm good. How are you?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Your son's a legend, by the way.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46- I am so proud of him.- He's a legend, top policeman.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49- Thank you very much.- As well you should be.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50Look at that, the squad.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54- We're going to an engagement party. - Oh, are you? Right, I see.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Right.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57It's good to see you.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00THEY SPEAK PUNJABI
0:03:00 > 0:03:03I thought they're doing 4mph on a 30 limit,
0:03:03 > 0:03:06he might just give her a wee slap on the wrist.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- See you later.- Right, see yous later on. Nice meeting yous.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Mum, Mum, Mum. We can't let you go just yet.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- Why?- Well, you were speeding.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- Speeding?- Yes.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19- But it's his engagement party, son. - It's Mum!- I know it's Mum, but...
0:03:19 > 0:03:21You cannae give your maw a speeding ticket, mate. Come on.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24- Aye, but I'm going to have to. - Ah, come on.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26- Why do you have to?- Has he always been like this?
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Because it's the law.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30When he was a young boy, you know what he used to do?
0:03:30 > 0:03:31He used to arrest the cat.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34HE LAUGHS
0:03:34 > 0:03:35If the hat's on...
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Why are you not going to your brother's engagement party?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40- Because I'm on duty.- But you could have got the day off.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43- I can't get the day off.- Jonno would have worked for you.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Crime doesn't take a day off. No. No.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Crime doesn't take a day off, OK? You're being a bit aggressive now.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50If you can stand back a little bit, OK?
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- What are you going to do?- If you stand back...
0:03:52 > 0:03:54You cannae pepper your brother.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Do it, do it, right in front of Mum.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58You can't pepper your brother, mate.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00There's no way I would give my mum a speeding ticket.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02No chance. That's unthinkable.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04I'd give her a ticket.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Aye, well, we know that.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10Desk Sergeant Karen Ann Millar may spend every day in the station...
0:04:10 > 0:04:13And, so, can I just take a note of your name?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15It's Guy James.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16Oh, right.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20..but no two days in the station are ever the same.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Do you like it?
0:04:25 > 0:04:28And today's day is no exception.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30All right, Officer Karen?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Hello, Bobby. What can I do for you?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Well, have you got DNA gloves?
0:04:35 > 0:04:36Yep.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39So, I was walking past the football ground and there was this girl
0:04:39 > 0:04:41and she was giving out free pies.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43You know how I love free pies?
0:04:43 > 0:04:46The thing is, she's gave us this pie, right, and I think she's
0:04:46 > 0:04:50tried to poison me because it looks mental and it smells mental.
0:04:50 > 0:04:56Bobby, the chances of someone at a football ground choosing to
0:04:56 > 0:04:59poison a random individual are relatively small,
0:04:59 > 0:05:00so, I think you're probably all right.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02I've brought the evidence.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04There you go, Officer Karen. Right?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Right.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08So, I think where you...
0:05:08 > 0:05:11What's confused you a wee bit is this is a curry pie.
0:05:14 > 0:05:15What?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18This is a curry pie.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Officer Karen, you don't get curry pies.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25That's like saying I eat toast and strawberries or something.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27- You don't get curries in pies. - The other one...
0:05:27 > 0:05:29You get a mince pie, a steak pie, and then,
0:05:29 > 0:05:32if you're still hungry, you get a chocolate doughnut.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Yeah, it's quite a strong curry in the curry pie.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37But, look, if we go through the evidence what you've
0:05:37 > 0:05:40got there is, there's your pie, right?
0:05:40 > 0:05:44This here is chicken with curry on it
0:05:44 > 0:05:47and this is sultanas.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Sultanas.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Yeah, which you normally only get in a curry, not in a mince pie.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56Unless you've got any other serious symptoms about it, I think
0:05:56 > 0:05:58probably the pie's fine, it's just a pie you don't like.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01It's not really a police matter and, to be honest, I'm not sure
0:06:01 > 0:06:04environmental health can really help you with that either.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08What I would suggest you do with that is just take it away,
0:06:08 > 0:06:09to be honest. OK.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Oh, and you're just going to put that back in your pocket?
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- Aye, I'll put it back in my pocket. - Yeah. OK. See you later, Bobby.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17And I'll see you later, right, Officer Karen?
0:06:17 > 0:06:18- Right, on you go.- Bye-bye. Bye.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Oh, left-hand door, well done. See you later, Bobby.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24From a stone-cold pie to a red-hot row.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27The family feud is kicking off at the kerbside.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30No, no, no. Well, we have to write you a ticket, so...
0:06:30 > 0:06:32- You can't give them a ticket.- We can.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34HE SPEAKS PUNJABI
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Right, come on. That's not fair, I don't sp... Come on. I don't.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39You can't be speaking like that when I'm here,
0:06:39 > 0:06:41I don't know what you're saying.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- I've got to be involved, do you know what I mean? Exactly.- Go on.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46- We teach you Punjabi.- Aye, go on. Tell me something.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49I've always... I ask him all the time to teach me something
0:06:49 > 0:06:51but he never does it, he never listens.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- I'll teach you the Punjabi dance.- Go on.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55You can as well, aye?
0:06:55 > 0:06:58If you're breaking the law, you're breaking the law.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00And I have to uphold the law, essentially.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02That is what I have sworn to do.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04What's the point of getting a breathalyser
0:07:04 > 0:07:05when you're all Muslims? You don't drink.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Oh, right. We're Sikhs. That's a turban.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09Oh, right. Right.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Indian women don't drink.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13- Indian women don't drink?- No.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14What do they drink?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16- Not in public.- Oh, really?
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Can you breathalyse her for me?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20I'm not breathalysing your maw.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24- Oh, I remember. I saw it on television.- Oh, right. Aye. Aye.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27- In that Taggart programme.- You like Taggart?
0:07:27 > 0:07:28Do you like Taggart?
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- I love Taggart.- Oh, aye. So, is there, like, any Indian Taggarts?
0:07:31 > 0:07:32Are there any Indian Taggarts?
0:07:32 > 0:07:37- No...- That's him.- You're Indi...you're Indian Taggart!
0:07:37 > 0:07:39- IN INDIAN ACCENT:- There's been a murder!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41That's a bit racist.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Ah, sorry, man. I was getting carried away.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- Sorry. Aye.- You're still on duty so be professional.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47I know, I know, I know. What?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- Oh, my God, man. - I can only apologise.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53- Nice to meet you.- Yeah, it was great meeting you.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- Please enjoy your party.- Yes, we will.- Enjoy it.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Oh, aye. I'll see you later on. See you later on.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Obey the traffic laws.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01See you later on, big man, all right? You enjoy yourself.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Catch you later, mucker, all right? Catch you later, man.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Sorry about him, man.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07He gave his maw a ticket.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09He gave his maw a ticket. A speeding ticket.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I didn't give her a ticket, she gave herself a ticket.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Aye, but it was your maw.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Your maw's your maw but the law's the law.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21Listen, there's not a criminal worth his salt that hasn't given
0:08:21 > 0:08:23the police a false name, you know, so...
0:08:23 > 0:08:26But you've got to be very careful because some people give a name,
0:08:26 > 0:08:29turns out it's really their name, you know?
0:08:29 > 0:08:32There's a Mr Mittens that's been in and out
0:08:32 > 0:08:34the station over the years.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Raymond Peanuts, a real fellow. Lives in Gartcosh.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42There was a Don Chorus who actually exists and he had D-O-N,
0:08:42 > 0:08:44and he had a sister called Dawn Chorus.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47So, their parents are just having a laugh at them, poor kids.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50But it's actually their names. Nicola Sturgeon, there's one.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53I mean, the first time I met Nicola Sturgeon, she says to me,
0:08:53 > 0:08:55"Hello. I'm Nicola Sturgeon."
0:08:55 > 0:08:57I go, "Oh, right. Yeah, and I'm Harry Haddock."
0:08:57 > 0:09:02But, of course, it turns out she's actually called Nicola Sturgeon.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03Ridiculous. So be on your guard.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09From the First Minister to first-class law administers.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10If I get my hands on him...
0:09:10 > 0:09:12I need to arrest you for being
0:09:12 > 0:09:14too good-looking, do you know what I mean? It's not fair.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18It's not fair on all these lads out here, is it?
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Robbery. High street. Move it.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22Oh!
0:09:23 > 0:09:26PCs Jack McLaren and Sarah Fletcher
0:09:26 > 0:09:29present a perfect policing partnership.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32To break up the monotony we always swap about jobs.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Sometimes driving, sometimes on...
0:09:34 > 0:09:37If there's a bag snatch, one of us will take the statement,
0:09:37 > 0:09:40the other person will go looking for the bag, and we alternate.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41So it's turnabout, basically.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43But on the way to a bag snatch,
0:09:43 > 0:09:46a familiar face forces PC McLaren to suggest a change to the system.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49I'll buy you a coffee and your lunch if I can go looking for the bag.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51It's your turn.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Aye, I know, but I just... You're better with women that way.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57- Them's the rules. Them's the rules. - Aye, no, I know. I'll let you drive.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59No, I'll do it. I'll do it.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Coffee, lunch, drive? Ah, how you doing?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04- Hiya.- I'm going to leave you with my colleague, Jack,
0:10:04 > 0:10:06and I'm going to go and look for your bag.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08- Thank you.- How's it going? All right?
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Hi, Jack. How are you?
0:10:10 > 0:10:11Not bad. Not bad. How's yourself?
0:10:11 > 0:10:16I'm good, thanks. Well, except for having my bag stolen.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17So, aye, let's...
0:10:17 > 0:10:22straight to business and we'll get you a couple of details here.
0:10:22 > 0:10:28Name - obviously Claire. Claire - second name still...
0:10:28 > 0:10:30- Long.- Still Long. - Yeah, still Long. Uh-huh.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31Not married?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33No, no.
0:10:33 > 0:10:34What happened?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36I was putting my brolly up and I put it down
0:10:36 > 0:10:38and they just came and grabbed it.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Basics, aye. You should never leave it.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44What bag was it? Description?
0:10:44 > 0:10:47It was the white and blue one.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Expensive.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51- Was it?- Very.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Oh, right. I mean, it's a lovely bag.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56- I use it all the time. - That's why I chose it.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Expensive.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Yeah, quite a rare one, you won't get another one like that.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04I mean, I do like the bag. I hope I get the bag back.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06I'm not bothered. Doesn't...
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Don't care if you like the bag or not.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Still in the same house?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Uh-huh. Yeah, still in the flat up the road, aye.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14On your own?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Uh-huh.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Good. For you.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21So, how long has it been now?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23About a year, I think?
0:11:23 > 0:11:25- Just last summer.- Aye.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Remember we were... Well, you'd booked that holiday
0:11:27 > 0:11:29and I just thought it was a wee bit too quick,
0:11:29 > 0:11:31it was just such a big surprise.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Well, that was the point. I had to sort it out with your boss.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Well, I just didn't want to put you out
0:11:35 > 0:11:38- and, you know, I just... I didn't... - Put me £600 out.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Deposit I never got back.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42You did go on the holiday.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Aye, I didn't get your deposit back though, did I?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Anyway, that's all by the by, it was a cracking holiday
0:11:47 > 0:11:49and what a power of riding I got through.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52But your phone bill must have been extortionate.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55It's... You phoned me about 72 times.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56It wasn't me.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Well, it was you. I spoke to you.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01No, that was the waiter kidding on he was me.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03He stole my phone.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07It's really nice to see you, anyway.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08Aye.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11And you're not crying this time so that's good.
0:12:12 > 0:12:17Success as PC Fletcher locates the victim's stolen bag.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Oh, brilliant! Thank you so much.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22- They ran off, but as long as everything's there.- Yeah.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Lucky to get things back. We don't always get our money back, do we?
0:12:25 > 0:12:27- Sometimes you... - No, but everything's there, so...
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I know, but I'm saying, hypothetically,
0:12:29 > 0:12:31sometimes people don't always get things back.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- My partner and I should move on now, so...- Yeah.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36I moved on a long time ago.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39So, nice to see you, Jack.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41- Right, all the best, take care. - Thanks.- OK.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Some bags are bags for life, aren't they?
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Not like the ones you can buy at the supermarket,
0:12:46 > 0:12:48but that could have been a bag for life.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51It was a better bag than a bag for life.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53She'll not get another bag like that.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56But in this instance we did get it back, so...
0:12:56 > 0:12:59I know, but she needs to learn the lesson
0:12:59 > 0:13:02that if she didn't get it back, she still COULD get it back
0:13:02 > 0:13:07if she just asked...the police to get the bag back.
0:13:07 > 0:13:12She did ask the police and we did get it back, so...
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Mm-hmm. So, she's the winner, again.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Are we still talking about a bag?
0:13:19 > 0:13:20Scotland's land -
0:13:20 > 0:13:25beautiful to look at, but torn apart by territorial turmoil.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29PCs McIntosh and Mackay are called out to a turf war.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Do you feel that?
0:13:31 > 0:13:32No, do you want me to feel it?
0:13:33 > 0:13:36We were called out to this estate to a territorial dispute
0:13:36 > 0:13:40between two older gentlemen.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41This is unbelievable!
0:13:42 > 0:13:45I can't believe this is a driveway, it's like the A9.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48'One of them claimed that the other one was building
0:13:48 > 0:13:51'a fence into his land and he wanted us to resolve it.'
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Who is complaining?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56- It is a Hunter MacDonald, if you know him?- Ah. Yes, yes, yes.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Well, he claims that the fence is just...
0:13:59 > 0:14:01It's crossed over into his land.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03- He says you're building on... - Really?- ..his land.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05I don't know. I mean, I'll certainly check, if you like.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08If there's been a mistake, I will rectify it, certainly.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Seemed like a lovely guy.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- 'He was really pleasant. - Really pleasant, helpful,'
0:14:13 > 0:14:14forthcoming with information.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16'However, we then went to visit Mr MacDonald'
0:14:16 > 0:14:19to tell him about the discussion that we'd had,
0:14:19 > 0:14:20that everything would be resolved.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Well, are we on the same page here?
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Are we talking about the same Calder Campbell?
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Thief, rogue, vagabond, arsehole.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Are we talking about the same person?
0:14:30 > 0:14:34You know, you two have been sold right up the Swannee. He's had you.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36He's a terrible man! A terrible, terrible man!
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Keep your voice down, please. That might be your opinion...
0:14:39 > 0:14:41This situation between the Campbells and MacDonalds
0:14:41 > 0:14:43has been ongoing for a thousand years.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46You don't understand very much about the Campbells and MacDonalds.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48We're trying hard to
0:14:48 > 0:14:50and Mr Campbell assured us that you had been...
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Well, you're not trying hard enough, miss.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- Things got a little out of control. - Oh, I'll say!
0:14:55 > 0:14:59# Oh, the Campbells are coming You can tell by the smell... #
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Ah, you bastard! How dare you?!
0:15:01 > 0:15:03# The Campbells are coming They're all going to hell... #
0:15:03 > 0:15:05How dare you go to the BLEEP police!
0:15:05 > 0:15:09Mr Campbell flies onto the property on a quad bike.
0:15:09 > 0:15:10With a shotgun.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14- We shall settle this mano-a-mano! - You're trespassing on my land!
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- Mr Campbell... - THEY SQUABBLE
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Now, listen, you are an arse! An arse!
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- You have been for the last 60 years.- Oh, your arse!
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- Who do you think you are? - Please calm down.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26- Let's... What?!- Calm down.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28I can sense there's a little bit of tension
0:15:28 > 0:15:30- and it's sometimes... - Oh, well done, Police(!)
0:15:30 > 0:15:32You actually sense...
0:15:32 > 0:15:34See what I'm saying? See, I told you that earlier.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Well, well, well! How clever!
0:15:36 > 0:15:38I expected more from you, Mr Campbell.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- He's lost his bloody mind! - You bloody...- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
0:15:41 > 0:15:45I'm used to handling men of all ages,
0:15:45 > 0:15:47sometimes in large numbers,
0:15:47 > 0:15:50and sometimes the only way to deal with them is to dominate.
0:15:50 > 0:15:55OK! Shut your faces! You talk first. What's the problem?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57You've already taken God knows how many feet off my land.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Now you'll be taking a few more yards, then a few more yards!
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Then another 100 yards! Then my bloody house!
0:16:02 > 0:16:06Why would I want to take your stupid sheep-stealer shack of a house?!
0:16:06 > 0:16:09- Because it's in your DNA!- I have got a beautiful house of my own.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Let's go!
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- Let's just resolve this once and for all.- What?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16- We're going to have a duel. Like gentlemen.- What with?
0:16:16 > 0:16:19- Get them arrested and in the back of the vehicle.- Guns!
0:16:19 > 0:16:21And that's when we had to say, "Enough is enough, guys."
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- You illegitimate bastard! - I am NOT illegitimate!
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- Of course you are! - It's YOU that's the bastard!
0:16:27 > 0:16:29I was scared for Charlie.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- You needn't have been but I appreciate that.- Mmm.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- Sheep-stealing bastard! - I don't know what to do with him.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38'McIntosh and Mackay are left with little leeway...'
0:16:38 > 0:16:39Not going to speak to you any more.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42'..and these lairy lairds land themselves
0:16:42 > 0:16:44'in the local station lock-up.'
0:16:47 > 0:16:49For Volunteer Officer Ken Beattie,
0:16:49 > 0:16:53every day is an opportunity to learn something new...
0:16:53 > 0:16:54Excuse me, there. Are you Fern Britton?
0:16:54 > 0:16:56No.
0:16:56 > 0:16:57Oh, OK. Have a nice day.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00..and become the ultimate volunteer.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01'Yes, we do get appraisals at work.'
0:17:01 > 0:17:04I got one recently, actually,
0:17:04 > 0:17:07saying I had to be more "authorative",
0:17:07 > 0:17:10which I didn't agree with, which was slightly mean.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14But I decided to take the suggestion on board, shall we say?
0:17:15 > 0:17:19See, there's a law now that you can only walk four dogs.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21'There was this woman at the park
0:17:21 > 0:17:23'and she kept flouting the law, you know?'
0:17:23 > 0:17:25And flouting it in my face.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27I understand, this is your livelihood,
0:17:27 > 0:17:31but this is my livelihood too... if I got paid.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33But that's not the point. OK?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35I confiscated the dogs from her.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Now, you go off and tell your superiors
0:17:37 > 0:17:40that they can come to the pound and collect them. OK?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42'She was breaking the law, OK?'
0:17:42 > 0:17:45My hands were tied with dog leads.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48No-one makes Ken Beattie look stupid.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51'I took the dogs to the pound,
0:17:51 > 0:17:53'and that was me being "authorative".'
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- Hello.- Oh, aye. Hello. - How are you?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Hello, how am I? How are you with your five dogs?
0:17:59 > 0:18:03- Oh, I've got...- Five dogs! I've got two dogs, you've got five dogs.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05- The law is four dogs.- I know... Yes, I know.- Four. Four dogs.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Look, don't tell me that! I know what the law is.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10- Oh, don't me tell you? - What are you all about, man?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12- Look at the state of it. - I'm taking these...
0:18:12 > 0:18:14- You're kidding yourself on. - Five dogs!
0:18:14 > 0:18:17YOU'RE kidding yourself on.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Have you got a spare poop bag for me?
0:18:19 > 0:18:20- Oh, a poop bag?- Yes.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23- He's wanting poop bags.- Is it for yourself?- You're a poop bag.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- It's not for myself. - See, if you went to the shops,
0:18:25 > 0:18:27how much would it cost you for a bag?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- I don't... 5p.- 5p.
0:18:30 > 0:18:31Up with the cash.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33- Are you serious?- Up with the cash.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35- Give her the money. - Blackmailing me?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Blackmailing? That'll be right.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Blackmailing! He's breaking the law.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41- Here.- There you go.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43- Aye.- Speak to you tomorrow. - Away you go.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45- You'll not speak to us. - I won't speak to you again.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47No, we've got another couple of dogs.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- See if we fit in with you then. Come on.- Right.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51I'd to pick up dog poop.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53OK. Don't eat it! Don't eat it! Away!
0:18:53 > 0:18:56It's not a very pleasant experience at all.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57Especially when it's not your own dog.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04No more pooping until we reach the pound, OK?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Away!
0:19:06 > 0:19:09The dogs were impounded.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13I felt like Cruella De Vil.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15From walkies...
0:19:15 > 0:19:17No, you're not playing stick now.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18..to talkies.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Scottish Police Force's Maggie LeBeau is first in line,
0:19:21 > 0:19:24on the line, to help those in need.
0:19:24 > 0:19:29And in what way exactly does she look like Vanessa Feltz?
0:19:29 > 0:19:33OK, if you could just keep at a safe distance from the attacker.
0:19:33 > 0:19:38Oh, you ARE the attacker. Right.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42So, the new Scottish Police Force website has a great feature.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Basically, we have a database where we collate all the crimes
0:19:45 > 0:19:48that are taking place and you can just stick in your postcode
0:19:48 > 0:19:51and it'll come up with what crime is most prevalent in your area,
0:19:51 > 0:19:53which is brilliant if you're trying
0:19:53 > 0:19:55to buy a house, for example, you know?
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Stick the postcode in, let's say car theft
0:19:59 > 0:20:02and housebreaking comes up, that's all right.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Just get a good alarm system, you'll be fine.
0:20:05 > 0:20:11But, say, knife crime and incest comes up, maybe keep looking.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Unless that's your thing.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18All right, Officer Karen?
0:20:18 > 0:20:21- Hello, Bobby.- How are you doing? - What can we do for you today?
0:20:21 > 0:20:22Oh, you'll love this, by the way.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24- Hit me.- You ready?- Yep.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Are you ready? I think it's going to be a surprise.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27Here we go.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Happy birthday!
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Surprise!
0:20:33 > 0:20:35And there's flowers as well.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Happy birthday, Officer Karen.
0:20:37 > 0:20:42Thanks, it's... That's really very kind of you, thank you very much.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45I properly appreciate it... I'm just a wee bit...
0:20:45 > 0:20:48How did you find out that it was my birthday?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Well, remember that time I tried to add you on Facebook
0:20:51 > 0:20:53and you've not accepted my friend request yet?
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Yeah. Well, it's blocked on the computers in here.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58We're not allowed to access Facebook at work, so...
0:20:58 > 0:21:00I seen it on your Facebook.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02I seen your birthday and I was like that,
0:21:02 > 0:21:04"Well, I'm going to treat Officer Karen."
0:21:04 > 0:21:09I made you a home-made birthday card and I got you a cake as well.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- That's...- And I only got that for 50 pence so that's good.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15So, what are you doing tonight then for your birthday? What's happening?
0:21:15 > 0:21:17What's the plans? You got anything on?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19I think I'm just going to have a quiet night in.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Are you just chilling?
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Yeah. I just... I'm going to just head up the road.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- I'm chuffed with myself. - Right, birthday girl!
0:21:26 > 0:21:29See you down the boozer for your wee party, eh?
0:21:29 > 0:21:32You don't look a day over 21.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36- 20...- Yeah, OK. See you in a bit.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38- 21.- So...
0:21:38 > 0:21:39Boozer?
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Is that the boozer, aye? For your birthday?
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Aye, well...it's... It's nothing, it's just a wee...
0:21:49 > 0:21:52It's like a work thing, you know? You have to...
0:21:52 > 0:21:55The boys. With the boys and that.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58It's just a couple of mates. It's just... It's quite a quiet...
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Sergeant Donaldson, aye.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Yeah, yeah. Erm...
0:22:04 > 0:22:07If you go to the pub tonight, you can take your cake for...
0:22:07 > 0:22:10And Sergeant Donaldson can have a wee slice and stuff and...
0:22:10 > 0:22:13But I'm not doing anything tonight, anyway,
0:22:13 > 0:22:16I've got, like, the X-Files box set and I'll watch that
0:22:16 > 0:22:20and I'll get some pizza or something but... I don't know.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22- Yeah.- I don't know.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29But... Anyway, have a good time tonight, right, Officer Karen?
0:22:29 > 0:22:30See you later, right?
0:22:30 > 0:22:34And tell...tell Sergeant Donaldson he can have as much cake as he wants
0:22:34 > 0:22:36as long as he leaves you with a good bit, right?
0:22:39 > 0:22:40See you later.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Yeah, so, I'm off to London this week. Very exciting.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Been a while since I've been down there.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54So, how do I get back to New Scotland Yard? Do you know?
0:22:54 > 0:22:57You know, there's nothing the mean streets of London can teach me,
0:22:57 > 0:23:01but still it's always good to take the temperature of the place.
0:23:01 > 0:23:02Meeting up with Harry Cope,
0:23:02 > 0:23:04who is an old friend, actually.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06He's now working down there,
0:23:06 > 0:23:10he's Deputy Chief of the London City force.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12We're working together, it's a joint operation
0:23:12 > 0:23:15called Operation Boomslang and we're doing a press conference.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17'And I'm excited to see Harry.'
0:23:17 > 0:23:20- Oh, here he is.- Cameron, how are you? Sorry to keep you waiting.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22No, that's fine. I'd plenty to do.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- Sorry for keeping you waiting. - You're looking very well.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27- Yes...- You got any hair under there? Come on, show me.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29- Slightly more than you do. - Show me, I bet you haven't.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Let's get that... OK, put your hat back on. That's lovely.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Is that a transplant?
0:23:34 > 0:23:36It's certainly not a transplant. Is that?
0:23:36 > 0:23:40- Well, that's all paid for.- That beer baby you're carrying there.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42That is all paid for, son. Good to see you.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44- Good to see you as always.- Please.
0:23:44 > 0:23:45Go on. Well, after you.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47No. No, no, no. I insist. You.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Is it... Are these seats the same... the same level?
0:23:51 > 0:23:55We're here to discuss a cross-border initiative
0:23:55 > 0:23:57between the Scottish Police Force
0:23:57 > 0:24:00and the City of London Police Force called Boomslang.
0:24:00 > 0:24:05Operation Boomslang is co-operation, friendship,
0:24:05 > 0:24:11dialogue between the NATION of Scotland and the CITY of London.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Boomslang is a snake with two heads
0:24:14 > 0:24:17and that's where the idea for this operation came together.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19You imagine you're in a Chinese
0:24:19 > 0:24:22trying to eat a meal with one chopstick, it's not going to happen.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25This is a two-chopstick operation that we're here to discuss.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29As a NATIONAL leader of the Police Force,
0:24:29 > 0:24:33I'm in charge of a unified police force of an entire COUNTRY
0:24:33 > 0:24:36and we wanted to talk to some of our CITY colleagues
0:24:36 > 0:24:39who are smaller, the smaller...
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Well, I wouldn't say one of the smaller police forces,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44we are actually one of the largest police forces,
0:24:44 > 0:24:47not only in Great Britain, but possibly in the world,
0:24:47 > 0:24:51which I think... We dwarf you up there by quite a margin.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54In numbers, not in results.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56It's... We're in the results business is all I'm saying
0:24:56 > 0:24:59and really, you try and get from here to the car across London
0:24:59 > 0:25:01and see if you've still got your wallet is all I'm saying.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Does Deputy Chief Commissioner Cope
0:25:04 > 0:25:07have any comments on rumours he's moving back north?
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Well, I would... Now, that...
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Well, that's a slightly unfair question
0:25:12 > 0:25:13seeing as Cameron is sitting here.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16I mentioned in passing that I would like to go back
0:25:16 > 0:25:18to a more pastoral form of policing.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22I don't believe the position of deputy is currently open.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Well, the rumour I heard was that you were resigning
0:25:25 > 0:25:28- or being asked to... - No, no, that's...rumour.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29I'm very, very, very...
0:25:29 > 0:25:34Aye, you would take this job from my cold, dead hands.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36It was merely a conversation over the future of Scottish...
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Listen, no truth in the matter, no.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42Boomslang is rolling out across the country
0:25:42 > 0:25:46and inter-departmentally starting from next Wednesday.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49We want to be discussing...
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Sorry. Sorry, excuse me, I've got... There's a call I have to take.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54If you could finish wrapping up, that would be great.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- Yes. Good, so, that's... - Thank you very much.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00I've got a meeting as well, I've got a very important meeting
0:26:00 > 0:26:03so thank you very much for coming and I have to go to my meeting.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05- Don't you- BLEEP- talk to me like that again, you...
0:26:05 > 0:26:08- You were talking absolute- BLEEP - in there, I had to get out.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10- No, you- BLEEP- idiot!
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Very nice to see Harry again. He hasn't changed a bit.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16He's exactly as he was, he's always... Always has been like that.
0:26:16 > 0:26:17No, delighted.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Trip went very well, very nice to be down here,
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Operation Boomslang is under way,
0:26:22 > 0:26:26and... Well, it's eight hours to the sleeper, so, I'll...
0:26:26 > 0:26:30I'll maybe get myself down the half-price ticket booth,
0:26:30 > 0:26:32so, OK, safe journey back.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Back up the road...
0:26:35 > 0:26:38on the road, Officers Singh and McKirdy
0:26:38 > 0:26:41are about to hit the road at the end of another shift.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45It's that time of the day again.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49Five, four, three, two, one...
0:26:49 > 0:26:53This shift is over! Get the tunes on!
0:26:53 > 0:26:55MUSIC: Mundian To Bach Ke by Panjabi MC
0:26:55 > 0:26:56You love this tune, don't you?
0:26:56 > 0:26:57Oh, I love it.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01How is it you do it? How do you do it?
0:27:01 > 0:27:04- Calm, calm, calm. First, remember what I told you, right?- What?
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Oh, aye, the thing with the light bulbs, man.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10Twist the light bulbs. Twist the light bulbs. There you go.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13MCKIRDY SINGS ALONG
0:27:13 > 0:27:15- Now let's go for the shoulders. - Oh, aye, that's it.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17- We don't know anything. - Aye, we don't know anything.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20- I don't know anything. - What are you talking about?
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Who knows? Who cares?
0:27:23 > 0:27:24Let's ride the bike.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27There you go!
0:27:27 > 0:27:31THEY SING ALONG
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Oh, takes a lot out of you, that, doesn't it?
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Oh, mate, you should go to an Indian wedding.
0:27:40 > 0:27:41What, aye, really, aye?
0:27:41 > 0:27:43- Oh, high energy, mate. High energy. - Awful workout. Aye.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45- Oof!- People just blazing, man?
0:27:45 > 0:27:48- You'd be sweating.- Aye? Just sweating all over the dance floor?
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Aye, it's a good workout. Really good workout, aye.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53- Folk sliding all over the place. - Good times, mate, good times.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59SINGH SINGS ALONG
0:27:59 > 0:28:02- Hey! Hey!- Hey!- Hey!
0:28:02 > 0:28:04- Hey, I'll teach you something. - Aye, go on.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08HE VOCALISES
0:28:08 > 0:28:09Try that.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13HE VOCALISES
0:28:13 > 0:28:15There you go, that's a good one. There you go.
0:28:15 > 0:28:21THEY SING ALONG