0:00:03 > 0:00:06Coming up... Fists are flying at a bus stop bust-up...
0:00:08 > 0:00:10..drug dealers with devil dogs...
0:00:12 > 0:00:14..and a creepy Christmas case to crack.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19But it's all in a day's work for the men and women
0:00:19 > 0:00:22of the Scottish Police Force. That's me!
0:00:22 > 0:00:26This is...Scot Squad!
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Scotland, one country, policed by one force.
0:00:40 > 0:00:45And that one force is policed by one man. The number one man. This man.
0:00:46 > 0:00:51My job is dependent on a certain percentage of people being stupid.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Chief Commissioner, Cameron Miekelson.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Well, I'm two years now, into my reign.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00"Reign" is quite a grand word,
0:01:00 > 0:01:05but I can't think of a more appropriate one, really, um...
0:01:05 > 0:01:10So, I've got a long reign ahead of me, but I'm not a complete ingenue.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13I'm Queen, the band Queen,
0:01:13 > 0:01:15before anyone knew that Freddie was gay.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18They just thought it was flamboyant. So, I've had a couple of hits,
0:01:18 > 0:01:21but it's way before Live Aid.
0:01:21 > 0:01:27I'm U2, when The Edge had hair and Bono wasn't quite so insufferable!
0:01:27 > 0:01:28I'm Status Quo...
0:01:30 > 0:01:32..at any time.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36In short, I firmly believe I still have my best years ahead of me,
0:01:36 > 0:01:40but that's not to say that the last two years haven't been exceptional.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42They have.
0:01:42 > 0:01:47When faced with the Scottish public, nothing fazes Desk Sergeant,
0:01:47 > 0:01:51Karen Ann Millar. She can deal with the lot - and then some.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53You know, as a police officer, having previously
0:01:53 > 0:01:56been on the beat, it is a different, kind of, a beast,
0:01:56 > 0:01:58to be in the police station.
0:01:59 > 0:02:04Every time that door opens, there is a tiny clench in your buttocks,
0:02:04 > 0:02:08cos you don't know what's going to come through that door.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13All right, Officer Karen? How you doing?
0:02:15 > 0:02:17I'm just out on Wee Betty's bike.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19I'm just taking it out for a wee service today.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Is it all right if I go and use the toilet?
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Two secs, right, Officer Karen? Is it all right to park this in here?
0:02:48 > 0:02:51TOILET FLUSHING
0:03:06 > 0:03:08See you later, right, Officer Karen.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Two secs, right?
0:03:15 > 0:03:16Bye!
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Out in the sticks, in the sticky heat of summer,
0:03:24 > 0:03:29McIntosh and Mackay seek answers from a countryside crackpot,
0:03:29 > 0:03:31whose calendar has gone missing.
0:03:31 > 0:03:37We'd had several complaints over the course of a few weeks
0:03:37 > 0:03:39about a gentleman's house,
0:03:39 > 0:03:42which was covered in Christmas decorations.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46'You know, normally, that's quite a joyful thing, lovely thing to see,
0:03:46 > 0:03:48'but it's not Christmas.'
0:03:48 > 0:03:50CHRISTMAS MUSIC
0:03:50 > 0:03:51Ho-ho-ho.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Merry Christmas! Eh...hello.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Can I get you a mulled wine or anything?
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Not while I'm on duty.
0:04:02 > 0:04:07OK, we've had a lot of calls and complaints about the decorations,
0:04:07 > 0:04:12mostly in the garden - the music, the snowmen, the Santa sleighs,
0:04:12 > 0:04:15you know? It's upsetting a lot of people.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18I thought I brought happiness to people round here.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22You always get comments, you know? Absolutely. Every time I go to
0:04:22 > 0:04:25the shop, you hear people speaking about me. I don't doubt that.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28People just don't want that all year round.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30I think people are curious why you're doing this?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Well, I've just always loved Christmas.
0:04:33 > 0:04:38I sold my Sellotape factory and I didn't want to go into business
0:04:38 > 0:04:42again. I had a lump sum, so I didn't want to get married again,
0:04:42 > 0:04:45so I thought, "Well, when am I happiest?"
0:04:45 > 0:04:48I thought, "I'm happiest the night before Christmas."
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Going to bed, you're all excited. Oh, yes!
0:04:50 > 0:04:54And I thought, "Well, why not do that EVERY day?" Yes!
0:04:54 > 0:04:55Well, I mean, who doesn't love Christmas?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Have you got a favourite Christmas song? I...
0:04:58 > 0:05:03Well, I mean, take your pick off the Enya Christmas Secrets EP.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04That's an absolute belter.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08That is an absolute... Can I shake your hand on that?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11You can! That's an absolute beauty. Good call. Oh, great!
0:05:11 > 0:05:14What about yourself? I'm a Pogues fan.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Sort of mainstream, there. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20So, everything about Christmas, do you...? Oh, I just love it all.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22In fact, I was just away to have my Christmas dinner
0:05:22 > 0:05:25before you got here. You're welcome to join me.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27There's a whole turkey through there. No.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Thank you, though. Yeah, yeah. Really full. We've just eaten.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Mince pie? No. Sorry, no, just had... Well, what about a cracker?
0:05:32 > 0:05:35You'll pull a cracker, eh? Come on. Come on, pull a cracker!
0:05:35 > 0:05:40It's not really professional. Come on! Go on, Charlie.
0:05:40 > 0:05:41Go on! It can't hurt.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42You could win! OK!
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Oh, you did.
0:05:44 > 0:05:49So, do you even take the shots of goose fat and wear the stockings
0:05:49 > 0:05:52for your dinner the night before and all the traditions?
0:05:52 > 0:05:54No, I don't do that.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58I think that's maybe a personal family tradition.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03From a ho-ho-ho, to a nee-naw, nee-naw.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07The Scot Squad aren't driving home for Christmas.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08Clunk-click, here we go.
0:06:08 > 0:06:13But traffic officers, Surjit Singh and Hugh McKirdy, are driving home
0:06:13 > 0:06:17the message that, if you're naughty, they won't be nice.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20It's fine boys! Traffic's got it!
0:06:21 > 0:06:25On the road, it's not always drivers that we encounter and that we have
0:06:25 > 0:06:29'to take care of. We had an incident that took place on a bus.'
0:06:29 > 0:06:30It's that one there.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33'We were told that there was a person on the bus'
0:06:33 > 0:06:35'who was being loud, shall we say?'
0:06:35 > 0:06:39The problem is, we have paid for our fare,
0:06:39 > 0:06:42we have paid for our seat and this bus has broken down.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45'This customer didn't want to get off the bus,
0:06:45 > 0:06:48'they wanted to wait on the bus until another bus arrived'
0:06:48 > 0:06:51and the driver wasn't having it. "Health and safety."
0:06:51 > 0:06:54When I bought a ticket with that driver,
0:06:54 > 0:06:56I made a contract with the bus company.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Right now, you're causing a bit of a scene.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01You're getting a bit too excited. A bit of a scene?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Aye, you're being abusive to the bus driver.
0:07:03 > 0:07:04Me and the bus driver are fine!
0:07:04 > 0:07:09Look, you're causing... Your conduct aboard this bus... Don't mimic me.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Don't mimic me. I'm not... Don't mimic me.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15I'm not here to be... Look... This is a breach of my civil liberties.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17You're causing a breach of the peace aboard this bus.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Breach of the peace. Away and raffle yourself.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22What I want you to do is... It's exactly what happened to Rosa Parks.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26This is a bit of people solidarity! This is a bit of people power
0:07:26 > 0:07:30against this bus company that we're sick to the back teeth already,
0:07:30 > 0:07:33without it breaking down. And we are waiting here
0:07:33 > 0:07:35till another bus comes or the tow truck company comes and takes me
0:07:35 > 0:07:37hame with my big shop!
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Over at the Christmas house, while the decorations outside
0:07:41 > 0:07:45are frightful, inside, the man's compliance is delightful.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Well, listen, we do have to do something
0:07:48 > 0:07:51about the decorations outside. If we could take in, even, a few of them.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54I don't want to cause any trouble, you know,
0:07:54 > 0:07:56so I'll bring some in.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59I just need to check upstairs, really, run it past...
0:07:59 > 0:08:00See if it's OK with him?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03'What happened next was like something out of'
0:08:03 > 0:08:06a Twilight Zone: Stars In Their Eyes.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Ho-ho-ho!!
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Eh?!
0:08:10 > 0:08:14Happy Christmas, boys and girls! Eh?!
0:08:14 > 0:08:18It's me - Santa! How are you, boys and girls?!
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Have you been a good wee girl this year?! Aye?!
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Have you?! Yeah.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Yeah?! Right, shall we go and get in...
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Get all the decorations in, eh?! Shall we?!
0:08:28 > 0:08:29Y-Yes.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Come on, then, boys and girls!
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Come on! Ho-ho-ho! Come on!
0:08:35 > 0:08:40Oh, wait a minute, now! Look what you're standing under -
0:08:40 > 0:08:41the mistletoe!
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Gi'e the lassie a wee kiss, then.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46No... I really don't... Gi'e her a kiss! Come on, it's Christmas!
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Get into the spirit! Gi'e her a kiss!
0:08:49 > 0:08:50Kiss her! Kiss her!
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Go on!
0:08:52 > 0:08:53Yeah!
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Ho-ho-ho-ho!
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Strangely, although he seemed to change
0:08:59 > 0:09:02'character, he was compliant with
0:09:02 > 0:09:04'the request to take in the decorations.'
0:09:04 > 0:09:07That is actually one of the most terrifying things that
0:09:07 > 0:09:12I've ever seen in my whole life. Bye! OK, bye. Bye, Creepy Claus.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Back on the bus, tensions are rising
0:09:14 > 0:09:17quicker than the cost of an all-day ticket.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20It's simple as this - if you don't get aff the bus, we'll arrest you.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21Oh, aye. Aff.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Watch your head. Get off me!
0:09:25 > 0:09:28See when my man hears about this, he will rip you
0:09:28 > 0:09:31fae arsehole to breakfast! Right, that's OK. My messages!
0:09:31 > 0:09:33It's OK. My bloody messages!
0:09:34 > 0:09:36You'll get it. You'll be getting it and all!
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Leave him alone. Get aff me! You're disgusting.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Do you want to feel my southpaw? Huh?
0:09:42 > 0:09:43Oh!
0:09:43 > 0:09:46'I do not expect to come to work and be assaulted.'
0:09:46 > 0:09:49We are police officers, so we do expect it. We are police officers,
0:09:49 > 0:09:52'yes, but we don't expect it when we're going on a bus and dealing
0:09:52 > 0:09:55'with a woman with her messages.' Get aff me! Help!
0:09:55 > 0:09:57This is a breach of... Get your BLEEP...
0:09:58 > 0:10:01This is a breach of my civil liberties!
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Get off me! This is an assault!
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Ah! Argh!
0:10:05 > 0:10:09Get aff me! Get aff me! You get off me! Get aff me!
0:10:09 > 0:10:11You get aff me! You just touched my tit.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I'm doing you for a sexual assault and all! Ah, your arse!
0:10:13 > 0:10:16There's nae way I would have sexually assaulted her.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18I wouldn't sexual assault anybody.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Help!
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Aye, you're shiteing it now. Get back! Hey! Shut it.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Calm down. She's off her head. She struck me. Come here, come here.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Rolling about the ground with a woman. I know.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37Not the first time you've done that. Come here. Look at me. Look at me.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41What am I meant to do? Look at me. Ah, I'm fine. My eyes. Look at me.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43I didn't expect it, did I? Look at me.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46Didn't expect that, did I?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Right, you calm? I'm all right. Calm? I'm fine. Good.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Never mind her messages, hopefully, this menace
0:10:55 > 0:10:58finally got the message - nobody messes with
0:10:58 > 0:11:00the Scot Squad.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04The war on drugs is a serious business.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07It's a constantly-changing landscape.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10The dealers change the names of the drugs all the time.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12"We're calling it Charlie."
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Fine, we can all get that. Then it's Whizz, then Bang,
0:11:15 > 0:11:18then it's Ching. They're calling it Smack. A week later, it's Horse.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21They're doing this, so that, if we've got the wiretap on,
0:11:21 > 0:11:24they think we don't know what they're talking about, you know?
0:11:24 > 0:11:27They're talking about Horse, for all you know, it's a perfectly
0:11:27 > 0:11:29legitimate equine discussion.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Someone says, "Bring me an ounce of Horse",
0:11:31 > 0:11:35at that point, your radar, your antennae, go up,
0:11:35 > 0:11:37cos you think, "Hang on. An ounce of horse?
0:11:37 > 0:11:40"That's a pretty small horse."
0:11:40 > 0:11:42But there's a middle ground. Two or three kilos.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44"Can I get two or three kilos of Horse?"
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Now, you'd think that's a lot of drugs or is it a very small horse?
0:11:47 > 0:11:49I mean, that could be a baby Shetland pony, you know?
0:11:49 > 0:11:52So, you've got to have your wits about you.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55The mega-war on drugs is a battle
0:11:55 > 0:11:57the Scottish Police Force
0:11:57 > 0:11:59are winning on the streets.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03PCs Sarah Fletcher and Jack McLaren are the crack squad
0:12:03 > 0:12:06cracking down on the crack dealers.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08You just...
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Oi, oi. Look. That's Liam Riddle, isn't it?
0:12:14 > 0:12:17'A gentleman named Mr Riddle,'
0:12:17 > 0:12:20who's well-known to us, well-known to all the police.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22He's a drug dealer, basically.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25So, you want to search me? I want to - and I will. OK?
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Fill your boots, man. Sure. Soak it in. Get in, Jack.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29Get a good feel.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Right.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33Empty.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Empty.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Ah, he's clean. He can't be.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Clean as a whistle, sharp as a thistle, mate.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46What's on your dug? It's a...fashion accessory, mate.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49What's your dog's name?
0:12:51 > 0:12:52"Loophole".
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Loopy. You can call it Loopy. It's a bit loopy, know what I'm
0:12:55 > 0:12:58talking about? Loopy, we're going to search you.
0:12:58 > 0:13:03You're going to search my dog? Yes. I think you'll find that the stop
0:13:03 > 0:13:05and search laws don't apply to canines.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07It's its own person,
0:13:07 > 0:13:09out there in the ether, living life and all that.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12It's got its own heartbeat, its own soul, everything. Can you?
0:13:12 > 0:13:15(I don't know. Radio in and ask.)
0:13:15 > 0:13:17You don't want to break the law, do you? Just...
0:13:17 > 0:13:21Can we search a dog? Scooby-Doo, sit.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25We weren't sure if you could search an animal...
0:13:27 > 0:13:29..but it turns out, you can and...
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Then, you would think, if you can't, then everybody
0:13:33 > 0:13:34would just put drugs on dogs. Yeah.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Or animals, or birds, or I don't know, you know?
0:13:37 > 0:13:39You wouldn't get much on a bird.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40Probably less.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44A small packet of drugs. Depends the size of the bird.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47An emu. You don't see many around here.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50I know, but then, all the drug dealers would get them... Possibly.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53..cos you're not allowed to search them. They'd all have emus.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55A drugs emu.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57So, right, I'm going to search you now. You sure about that?
0:13:57 > 0:14:00It's Loopy. You know what I'm talking about?!
0:14:00 > 0:14:04It's a mental dog! I thought you were good with dogs, Jack?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07It knows an arsehole when it smells one. I thought you liked dogs?
0:14:07 > 0:14:10I love dogs. And that's the problem. It knows I'm friendly.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Go again. Are you scared? No!
0:14:12 > 0:14:14'I think, what the dog'
0:14:14 > 0:14:18realised very quickly, as I did, is we're both, kind of,
0:14:18 > 0:14:20trained in attacking
0:14:20 > 0:14:22and it would have been a stand-off.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24DOG BARKS Go on, you search it. I don't...
0:14:24 > 0:14:27After a rough start... You searched me, I've not got anything!
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Look... Oh! Oh! See? Good! Good, Loophole. I told you!
0:14:31 > 0:14:34..PC Fletcher calms the savage beast.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36It likes me, actually. Very soft.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39So, what have we got?
0:14:40 > 0:14:41Oh!
0:14:41 > 0:14:42SHE LAUGHS
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Knew it. Oh, Jack!
0:14:46 > 0:14:50That's, er... See what I did? I gave you the find. What, Tic Tacs?
0:14:50 > 0:14:53That's exactly what it is - Tic Tacs for all the local weans.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56'Using his dog as... as a drug mule, but...'
0:14:56 > 0:14:58we're not donkeys. Mm-hm.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Used up one of his nine lives there, didn't he? That's cats.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Anyway, he's going to the jail.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08The dog was later released without charge,
0:15:08 > 0:15:11but the dirty dog dealer is now doing bird.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Legal highs.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15The laughing gas, you know, the helium gas?
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I've... Some of the boys have stopped a car full of balloons!
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Of course, it's a kid's party!
0:15:20 > 0:15:23They wouldn't have known that, you know, it just looks like
0:15:23 > 0:15:28a bunch of radges going down and... HIGH-PITCHED GIBBERING
0:15:28 > 0:15:30So, you've got to be careful. And legal highs, the names -
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Snapdragon. Andre's Pillow. Mr Peterson's Pants.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Spook Sauce. Pinky and Perky.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Or commonly known on the street as Sponge.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Legal today, but we're working on it and they'll soon be illegal,
0:15:42 > 0:15:48so don't... If you're a sponge-head, don't go relaxing. We're on you.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52There's no substitute to an officer on the beat.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56Unless that substitute is a VOLUNTEER officer on the beat.
0:15:57 > 0:16:02And Volunteer Office Ken Beattie KENS his beat better than anyone.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Make sure there's no dead bodies.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06HE PANTS AND COUGHS
0:16:07 > 0:16:12Counter-terrorism, violence, drug warfare, prostitution -
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Ken Beattie deals with it all.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18'Today, I helped an old woman home with her shopping.'
0:16:18 > 0:16:22Hello, there, how you doing? Oh... Are you OK? No. I'm fair knackered.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Let's... Put that down a minute
0:16:24 > 0:16:26and just take a wee breather, shall we? Oh, that's good.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30She was rather confused and very, very old.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32You know, she was that bent-over way.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35My sister's coming to stay and I wanted to... Oh, lovely.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37..up and get things in for her.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Listen to me. I'll give you a hand with this
0:16:39 > 0:16:41up the road, OK? Would you? Yes, of course I will.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Let's just get this up the road and we could have a nice wee cup of tea!
0:16:44 > 0:16:48How's that sound? Oh, that's great! Aye, do you like tea? Yes! Yeah?
0:16:48 > 0:16:51All old people like tea, don't they? It's just a thing.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53They reach a certain age and they just can't get enough of tea.
0:16:53 > 0:16:58I just like your ordinary tea. Aye. They call it, um, what is it?
0:16:58 > 0:17:02English Breakfast - isn't that a funny name for it? Aye.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05What I like is a wee...a Rich Tea.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09And I like they wee biscuits in the... What are they called?
0:17:09 > 0:17:11With the...thingmy paper,
0:17:11 > 0:17:13and they've got the marshmallow and the chocolate?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Are you all right, son? I'm fine.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Don't be daft. Are you sure? Yes, yes. All right.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18This is really good of you.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24Oh, deary me, aye! It's... Mm-hm? It's quite heavy.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Are you sure you're all right? Oh, of course. No, no, I'm fine.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Just taking a wee breather then I'll...
0:17:29 > 0:17:34Oh, here, there's the sun coming out and you'll be getting melted. God!
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Now, was it for, em...?
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Oh! I'm OK. Oh, here, we...
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Right. Oh, dear. Here we go.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Is it quite lonely, then? This is the hard bit, isn't it?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Oh, my God. Going up a hill.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Right enough... That's a big hill.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Ken Beattie answered this woman's call.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Answering EVERYONE'S call is
0:17:54 > 0:17:58Scottish Police Force Call Centre Operator, Maggie LeBeau.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Police emergency, how can I be of assistance?
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Your neighbour is keeping a horse in their living room?
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Could you let me know your location?
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Oh, I stay in Townhead.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11This is where I like to stick up motivational posters.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13And a motivational poster is,
0:18:13 > 0:18:15basically, a poster that motivates you.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17I'm a big fan, I love them,
0:18:17 > 0:18:20and I think that they do kind of inspire the troops around here.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Er, this one here is... I love this.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26"If you don't reach for the moon, you can't fall on the stars."
0:18:26 > 0:18:28And, I mean, I really like it,
0:18:28 > 0:18:33and I think, er, Lynne over there actually quite likes this guy here.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34"Get on your bike,
0:18:34 > 0:18:35"and feel the benefits."
0:18:35 > 0:18:37And that's the tax benefits,
0:18:37 > 0:18:39because we have a cycle to work scheme.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43This one, very simple, but very profound.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45"Make things happen!"
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Kenny told me the other day, actually, it's Gandhi.
0:18:47 > 0:18:52Gandhi said that. Er, the classic - "Carpe Diem" - seize the day.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Kenny has, kind of, ruined this one for me,
0:18:54 > 0:18:58because he's pointed out that the word "knob" is also on the poster.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59That doesn't inspire me.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03This one, however, is the most inspiring one of all.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05"Scottish Police Force."
0:19:05 > 0:19:09It just reminds us of why we're here, of what we're doing,
0:19:09 > 0:19:12that we are the Scottish Police Force.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16And, like Gandhi said, we... "make things happen".
0:19:16 > 0:19:19When making things happen,
0:19:19 > 0:19:23there are no lengths to which the Scot Squad won't go,
0:19:23 > 0:19:28even if that's five miles in the hot sun, carrying heavy shopping bags.
0:19:28 > 0:19:33I feel a wee bit, sort of, shaky myself. Oh. Oh, deary me!
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Right... Can we have a wee rest? I think that would be...
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Oh, goodness sakes!
0:19:37 > 0:19:40And the sun's come out, it's awfy hot. Ooh!
0:19:40 > 0:19:46Oh... I'm fair wanting that free cup of tea, I can tell you that.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49How, er... How far is it?
0:19:49 > 0:19:53How far is it, what? To your house. To MY house?
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Yeah.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58I'm taking your shopping back... No, no, no, no!
0:19:58 > 0:20:00You're taking me to YOUR house for tea.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03You said, "Come for a wee cup of tea," you said!
0:20:03 > 0:20:08Do you mean I've...I've walked all this way and I'm not...?
0:20:08 > 0:20:11I've got to go all the way back?
0:20:11 > 0:20:14'Turned out she thought we were going back to my house,'
0:20:14 > 0:20:17and I thought we're going to her house. Ha!
0:20:17 > 0:20:20You know, if it hadn't been for immense pain in my feet and arms,
0:20:20 > 0:20:21I would've found it funny.
0:20:21 > 0:20:27I don't know what to do. You're going to just have to get a taxi.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31I can... I cannae afford a taxi! No!
0:20:31 > 0:20:37Oh, oh! I'll try and... sort a taxi. What?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40I'll try and sort a taxi. You'll sort it?
0:20:40 > 0:20:45Well, as I say, I cannae pay for it. No, no, no. I'll see what I've got.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Right. In we go. All right. Here we go, right.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Ooh, here we go. Watch your head. I need this seat, I can tell you.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Where is it you're going? Er, James Street. James Street.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Ooh! Oh, it's an awful lot. Right.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03This ended up all right. Aye, for you. Right enough, uh-huh.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06There we go, Mary. Thank you.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08All right?
0:21:08 > 0:21:09Cheerie-bye! Bye-bye.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13Hey, driver, er... I've actually only got ?25 on me.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16How much will it be to James Street? 25 quid will cover it.
0:21:17 > 0:21:1925 exactly?
0:21:19 > 0:21:20Yeah.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Cheerie-bye! Bye-bye, Mary. Bye! Take care.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31I'm ?25 out of pocket, I've got corns, bunions,
0:21:31 > 0:21:33and all manners of things on my feet,
0:21:33 > 0:21:35and my arms are, quite frankly, dead to me.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37So, was it worth it?
0:21:37 > 0:21:41I got an old woman home safely with her shopping, so, yes, it was.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Yes, I've had a pay increase. Yes, I...
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Listen, I didn't want to take it.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49I mean... But it's set by an independent committee,
0:21:49 > 0:21:54I'm powerless to withstand their authority. You know?
0:21:54 > 0:21:58I-I... Listen, between you and me, I would do this job for nothing,
0:21:58 > 0:22:02but if the committee insists that my love for this job,
0:22:02 > 0:22:04that I would do for nothing,
0:22:04 > 0:22:07has to be transferred into enumerative pound sterling value,
0:22:07 > 0:22:12then that is up to them and I have to just accept that.
0:22:12 > 0:22:17I also considered giving the increase away, giving it back,
0:22:17 > 0:22:20but then, you've got your whole Inland Revenue problems.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24They think you've earned this much, you've actually earned that much.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27You try to pay tax on that much. They go, "No, but it's this much."
0:22:27 > 0:22:30There's investigations, inquiries, people on your case!
0:22:30 > 0:22:35It costs them more to investigate what's actually gone on
0:22:35 > 0:22:36than I've paid back.
0:22:36 > 0:22:41So, the simplest thing is just to take the money and...
0:22:41 > 0:22:43take the money.
0:22:43 > 0:22:44Not run, I wasn't going to say run.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46No-one's taking the money and running!
0:22:46 > 0:22:50We're just taking the money, the legitimate money that I'm owed,
0:22:50 > 0:22:51for my job.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54From Payday to Mayday -
0:22:54 > 0:23:02PCs McLaren and Fletcher respond to an SOS from a woman in distress.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Oh, my God. Hurry! Hurry! In! Get in! In, in, in!
0:23:07 > 0:23:10What's exactly the problem? The disturbance? It's OK. It's OK.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12We're safe in here. It's fine. They're outside.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Who? Who's outside? The wasps.
0:23:14 > 0:23:19Is that a gang? In the tree! The tree of the wasps. The wasp's nest.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22An actual...? Real wasps? Uh-huh! A wasp's nest? Stingy wasps! Uh-huh.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24I've got a wee girl! They'll end up hurting her! Please!
0:23:24 > 0:23:28You need to do something! It's not our jurisdiction. We understand...
0:23:28 > 0:23:29You need to phone pest control.
0:23:29 > 0:23:33Have you not got anybody that could knock them out the tree for you?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35My neighbours tried, but they've not managed to do it
0:23:35 > 0:23:37and it's just me alone and my wee girl. Got a partner?
0:23:37 > 0:23:40No, just us. Just us. Boyfriend? Husband? No-one. Just the two of us.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43It's not really... Father of the kid, nothing like that? No.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Nothing, just me. Jack, it's not relevant.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47We'll just... I can call pest control and... Do you know what?
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Look, see the price of these things?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51You get the pest control out. Lassie's on her own.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53It's not really our... I'll do it.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55You'll do it? Aye, I'll knock it out the tree.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57No bother. Thank you so much! Thank you so much.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00We're here to help. Oh! We're the friendly side of policing.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Thank you. We get a bad rap, but we're not all bad, you know?
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Oh, you're a life saver, thank you so much. I know. I know.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07It's no problem, em, so...
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Not that I will need it, but better to be safe than sorry.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Have you got, I don't know, a pair of gloves?
0:24:12 > 0:24:14BUZZING
0:24:17 > 0:24:18Need a chair.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24The only man that can make a net look good.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25Right...
0:24:32 > 0:24:33(Ow.) LOUD BUZZING
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Have you been stung? No.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Itchy. It's the heat.
0:24:37 > 0:24:38Here we go.
0:24:38 > 0:24:44Say hello to my little friend, the brush.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48BUZZING GETS LOUDER Ah! They're not happy about that.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50BUZZING CONTINUES
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Ow!
0:24:53 > 0:24:54Is he OK?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59That has definitely annoyed them! Right! Right!
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Agh! Hey! Hey!
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Save yourselves! Get in the house! Get in the... Ow! Ow!
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Where's the...? Ow! Get... I'm sorry! Ow!
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Obviously, it should be pest control, but then,
0:25:10 > 0:25:13we're winning hearts and minds in the community, you know?
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Friendly policing. And, er, that's what I did.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Um...were you winning hearts and minds
0:25:19 > 0:25:21when you ran screaming down the street?
0:25:21 > 0:25:26Ow! Ow! 'Well, I took the danger away from yourself and the girl.'
0:25:26 > 0:25:30Plus side, I have now probably built up an immunity to wasps,
0:25:30 > 0:25:32which a lot of folk, you know, you do it with snake venom and
0:25:32 > 0:25:36that's what I've done, so, my body can probably take more wasp stings
0:25:36 > 0:25:39than, well, at this moment in time, anybody, I would say.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Pow-pow!
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Pow-pow! Pow-pow! Pow-pow!
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Pow! All right, Officer Karen?
0:25:45 > 0:25:48How we doing, Bobby? Pow-pow! Fighting crime.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Who...who are you being?
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Spider-Man!
0:25:52 > 0:25:56Look! Does that not give it away? Pow-pow! The webs? Right!
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Swinging off walls.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01It's...it's...kind of... You look like a bear.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04I look like a bear?! Yeah. What are you talking about?!
0:26:04 > 0:26:06I was at the carnival and I asked for Spider-Man.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Have you got a mirror or something I can check?
0:26:08 > 0:26:11There's a mirror in the... Right. ..in the toilets, Bobby. Right, OK.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Two seconds, right, Officer Karen? Okey dokey.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15OH, NO!
0:26:17 > 0:26:19That's not Spider-Man!
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Spider-Man's not got a tongue hanging out like that!
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Nae wonder everybody was laughing at me!
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Do you know, Bobby? They probably weren't laughing.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30They'll just have been smiling, cos it's a nice...it's a nice look.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33It's a jolly teddy bear, kind of, a look.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35I look sad.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38But you only look sad cos you're not smiling.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Give yourself a wee smile in the mirror.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43See? That's a happy bear, isn't it?
0:26:43 > 0:26:45You have to think about it this way, Bobby.
0:26:45 > 0:26:50Some people are superheroes and some people are teddy bears.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53And that's OK. Well, I'll keep this on for a few days
0:26:53 > 0:26:55and I'll see how it goes down, but...
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Spider-Man's still number one for me. Yeah.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00I think you'll go out and bring some happiness to people
0:27:00 > 0:27:02and that's not a bad thing. Yeah, OK.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Right! See you later, Bobby. See you later, Officer Karen.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Have a good day. You sure I look all right?
0:27:07 > 0:27:09I think you look like a hero. You're not just saying that?
0:27:09 > 0:27:13I would never just say that, Bobby. Right, OK. Cheers, Officer Karen.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15See you later, right? Bye-bye! See you later.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Deterrence is 50% of police work.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Um, if there's a police presence there, then the crime drops,
0:27:21 > 0:27:23it's as simple as that. So we're working on an idea that maybe,
0:27:23 > 0:27:26you know, your actual policeman, that it's just the sight,
0:27:26 > 0:27:28the feeling, the thought that there's a policeman there.
0:27:28 > 0:27:34So, we're looking at maybe hiring actors to pretend to be policemen.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37But the danger there is, we still have to put them
0:27:37 > 0:27:39through drama school, so it's the balance.
0:27:39 > 0:27:44Is it less expensive to get your boys through drama school
0:27:44 > 0:27:48to pretend to be policemen or to actually create real policemen?
0:27:48 > 0:27:51While the boys are number crunching on that one...
0:27:52 > 0:27:54..we're trying this bad boy,
0:27:54 > 0:27:56to see if this is a deterrent.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59We're ordering 12,000.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03And if we put one of those in every crime hotspot in Scotland,
0:28:03 > 0:28:07on a dark night, you'll go, "Oh!" You're going to think twice.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10If it does work, 12,000 of these all over Scotland,
0:28:10 > 0:28:14then we can close down the...the acting school plan.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16So, let's hope it does work, cos it's a lot cheaper.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19If it doesn't work, we've got 12,000 and, if anyone would like one,
0:28:19 > 0:28:23then I'm sure just write in and we'll...we can sort it out for you.