0:00:02 > 0:00:05Coming up, ladies of the night become ladies in a fight...
0:00:05 > 0:00:08You better walk away, you pair of wee rides.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11..violence explodes at the express checkout...
0:00:11 > 0:00:14You want some of this, you clown? You want some?
0:00:14 > 0:00:18..and a maritime mystery on a deserted island...
0:00:18 > 0:00:21Wey-hey! I'm on a boat! Come on!
0:00:21 > 0:00:22You cannae arrest me.
0:00:22 > 0:00:27..all nothing new to the men and women of the Scottish Police Force.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29What are you doing?!
0:00:29 > 0:00:31This is Scot Squad.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47For a modern organisation like the Scottish Police Force,
0:00:47 > 0:00:50nothing is more important than public relations.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53And when it comes to relations,
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson is the daddy.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Today, first up in the diary, I've got a meeting, my quarterly meeting,
0:01:01 > 0:01:07with the PR boys in charge of all the branding for the police force.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08I know what you're thinking.
0:01:08 > 0:01:13Instantly. Why is public money being spent on paying someone
0:01:13 > 0:01:16to come up with all the branding strategies
0:01:16 > 0:01:19for the police, when the chief could probably do it himself, you know?
0:01:19 > 0:01:21I mean, I could do it myself
0:01:21 > 0:01:24but I don't really have the time, so we pay an expert.
0:01:24 > 0:01:29And that allows me to concentrate on what I like to call real policing.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33So, what have you got for me, Willie? Shoot.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36We're putting in a big order of T-shirts for the front-desk staff.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39- OK.- Just going to be choosing colours, designs and logos.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41That's not something
0:01:41 > 0:01:43- you need to worry... - What colours are you thinking about?
0:01:43 > 0:01:46I would say, probably, black was a strong choice,
0:01:46 > 0:01:49- black is what we often go with. - Yeah, yeah. What about blue?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Because I'm thinking... I mean, blue or black, what do you think?
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Sure. I think black. I think black would be...
0:01:55 > 0:01:57I'm thinking blue is maybe more... What do you think?
0:01:57 > 0:02:02- I... I mean, I...- Because I think we've got enough black. I really do.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04I'm happy to make that work.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06So, we'll figure out the exact shade,
0:02:06 > 0:02:08- get you some blue T-shirts. Perfect. - Excellent.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- Good.- So, moving on, we've got...
0:02:11 > 0:02:13I mean, we could decide the colours now.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- No, I don't think that's necessary...- Well, I've got...
0:02:16 > 0:02:18- What about... - Sure. Well, we can just...
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Well...
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Navy blue - that's just saying, "Well, we're not interested.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27"We've got nothing new to say about anything."
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Skimpy blue - don't know why it's called that. Blue-y blue.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Blue-y blue. Are you interested in that?
0:02:33 > 0:02:37What I would say is, we can take this off your plate.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39So, you're saying that you can make the decision?
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Obviously, you would be best placed to make the decision,
0:02:42 > 0:02:44but I know you're a very busy man.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Because if you're going to make the decision, what am I doing here?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50No, absolutely. Absolutely. Because you're the man.
0:02:50 > 0:02:55- So, you're happy with blue-y blue? - Blue-y blue is... Yeah, perfect.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58- Blue-y blue it is. - OK, what else you got?
0:02:58 > 0:03:01This PR masterclass would be of great interest
0:03:01 > 0:03:03to traffic officers Singh and McKirdy.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06The public perception of police is very important.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09How the public see us, how the community see us carry out our jobs
0:03:09 > 0:03:11is very important.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Just recently, we were snapped outside the local kebab shop.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16It's a brilliant kebab shop, don't get me wrong,
0:03:16 > 0:03:17it's a great place to go.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20They do a great kebab, chips and cheese.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Put plenty of salt and vinegar on the chips, which I love.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24But here we are.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28We've been caught parked on a double yellow line while we were inside.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29Yes, it WAS wrong.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32It has ended up on the front page of the local paper.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Yes, we did get a stern talking-to. We should have known better.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38- We've learned our lesson, I think. - Certainly.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42So, we won't be stopping outside any more carry-outs from now on.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47Be quick. Remember to be quick, all right?
0:03:47 > 0:03:50- I'll go... - Don't stop. Don't stop.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Don't stop. Don't stop.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Don't stop!
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Don't stop. Slow...steady...
0:03:59 > 0:04:02There you go, thanks very much. Thank you. >
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Don't stop, don't stop.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05Don't stop...
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Seatbelt. Seatbelt. Seatbelt. Seatbelt.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- That's us.- Seatbelt!- Got it.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13- Got it?- Aye.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- Good work.- Never again, mate.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19The wheels keep turning for the Scot Squad,
0:04:19 > 0:04:22and for desk sergeant Karen Ann Millar...
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Hello, Scottish Police Force.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28..that means a fast track to the future of the force.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31We're living in a very interesting time now
0:04:31 > 0:04:34and in some ways, people are seeking to maintain their privacy
0:04:34 > 0:04:36and in other ways, they're opening
0:04:36 > 0:04:38their lives up to the wider community.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42It can be tricky sometimes for people to find the balance between
0:04:42 > 0:04:46involvement with your neighbours, and just downright snooping on them.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48I think it's important to remember that just
0:04:48 > 0:04:51because you can see it, doesn't mean you should look at it.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53All right, Officer Karen?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55- Hello, Bobby. What can I do for you? - How are you doing?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- Look, I want to make a complaint. - What's up?
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Like, basically, I've got a next-door neighbour, right?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03And she's one up across the road from us.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06And see, every time I go out for a walk,
0:05:06 > 0:05:09or I go to get some milk or something for Uncle Geoffrey,
0:05:09 > 0:05:12she's always completely naked.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- Right. Like, in the street?- No.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18In her flat, but she's not got any curtains or anything,
0:05:18 > 0:05:20but you can see everything.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23I mean, it kind of depends on the circumstances.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Is she being provocative?
0:05:25 > 0:05:28- Is she... - What does prod...provocative mean?
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Like, um...like trying to get you to look at her,
0:05:32 > 0:05:35so, maybe being right up at the window or...
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Oh, right, like right up against the windae, giving it all that?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- Dancing at the windae? - Aye, that kind of thing.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44- If it was that kind of... - She's not like that, to be honest.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47- She's just chopping, like, leeks. - Right.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48In that case, to be honest,
0:05:48 > 0:05:51there's not really anything we can do about that.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53You know, a person's perfectly entitled to be naked
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- within their own home.- So, you're telling me, Officer Karen,
0:05:56 > 0:05:59it's all right for me to walk about the gaff with no clothes on?
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Like I say, as long as you're not up at the window, flashing,
0:06:02 > 0:06:05or, you know, trying to get people to look in and see you,
0:06:05 > 0:06:07then, yeah, that's fine.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09I'm going to tell Uncle Geoffrey and the two of us,
0:06:09 > 0:06:12we can do that and have a laugh. I won't be up against the window,
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I won't be doing all that at the windae,
0:06:14 > 0:06:16but I'll just be doing, you know, like,
0:06:16 > 0:06:18watching The X Factor or something.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20I'll have to wear socks because there's, like, glass
0:06:20 > 0:06:23and there's sand on the floor and stuff but...
0:06:23 > 0:06:25I'll get into that another time.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27That's another story.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29But I'll go and I'll tell Uncle Geoffrey about it, right,
0:06:29 > 0:06:31- and we'll...- Right.- I'll go.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Don't come round and peek in the windae, Officer Karen.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36- I don't want you to be doing that. - Don't you worry, I won't.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39- Just phone me first and let me know, all right?- OK. OK.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- Right, bye-bye!- Mind your hand there! Mind your hand... Bye.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43DOOR SLAMS
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Back at the Scottish Police headquarters, Cameron Miekelson
0:06:49 > 0:06:54is looking at ways to expose himself to a wider audience.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56We have focus groups, some ideas...
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Can I stop you there? Are you talking about the Bamnesty?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- The Bamnesty, yeah...- Because I saw the material. How did it go down?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- The Bamnesty... - You told them it was my idea?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Yeah. No, no, they were very pleased to be getting ideas
0:07:08 > 0:07:10right from the...
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Did you say the Bamnesty is when bams
0:07:13 > 0:07:16can come in with all their bam paraphernalia,
0:07:16 > 0:07:18hand it over to us,
0:07:18 > 0:07:21without any fear of further consequences or reprisals?
0:07:21 > 0:07:24And you told them how clever "Bamnesty" is,
0:07:24 > 0:07:26- because it's a play on "amnesty"? - Oh, yeah.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30And I think everyone appreciated that, absolutely.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32It's like... It's catchy, no question.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Couple of definitions. I mean, I've got...
0:07:34 > 0:07:38- I've got the kind of focus group points here.- Go on, then.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40So, I mean, these are not my words.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Snide. Mocking.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44Not compassionate.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Well, I mean, they're bams.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50I mean, we don't want to be compassionate to bams.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53We want to be compassionate to the people the bams are being bams to.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56How about this? A second focus group?
0:07:56 > 0:07:57That's certainly possible if...
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Or a limited focus group? Me and you.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- Just me and you? - Because you like it. You said.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04Yeah. Yeah.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- Well, in a way, absolutely. - I like it.- You like it.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Well, if you like it, and I like it, that's a landslide, isn't it?
0:08:10 > 0:08:11In my view.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- I mean...- So, we focused it. You and me, who's in charge here?
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Is it you and me, or is it the focus group?
0:08:17 > 0:08:23My point is, there's no place for focus groups in the judicial system.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Juries?
0:08:27 > 0:08:28Here's an idea.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- Uh-huh?- We roll out Bamnesty.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Publish and be damned. We're going with the Bamnesty.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37I want it out in all papers, nationwide.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Roll it out in the next 48 hours and I'll see you back here.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Thank you for your time, Mr Saffron. Good day.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45And that's...
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Thank you.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53Supermarkets are some of the most volatile places in Scotland.
0:08:53 > 0:08:59PCs McLaren and Fletcher are trained to defuse explosive situations...
0:08:59 > 0:09:00Stop!
0:09:00 > 0:09:03..and snip the red wire of rage.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Jog on.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Today, they drop into a dust-up in the danger zone.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11It doesn't matter. I don't care how many items you've got!
0:09:11 > 0:09:14- I'm going first.- Hi, guys. - I'm going first.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16- Guys.- Excuse me. - Keep it down a wee bit, thank you.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- Sorry, sweetheart. All right, Shagger?- Ho!
0:09:19 > 0:09:21What's been happening here?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23I've come oot the hoose early,
0:09:23 > 0:09:25I've got all my stuff ready, and this idiot here...
0:09:25 > 0:09:27- I just asked to go in front of him. - Hey, they asked ME.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- Let's not call names here. - No, they asked me.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32- Excuse me. Stop shouting. - What's your name?
0:09:32 > 0:09:33- I'm Claire.- >
0:09:33 > 0:09:35And what's your name?
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Tam Spraggins, and I'd thank you to stand up when you're speaking to me.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Oh, right. OK.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42So, do you want to fill us in? What's been happening?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- Right.- I just asked to go... - Wait a minute. She asked me.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47- One at a time.- Yes. - One at a time.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50I had one item and I just asked, "Can I please go in front?"
0:09:50 > 0:09:52- and he just went... - I come down here,
0:09:52 > 0:09:54get my scones to put on my granny's grave,
0:09:54 > 0:09:56get my breakfast, my all-day breakfast, get out
0:09:56 > 0:09:58and set myself up for the day.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00And this idiot's standing there with her one...
0:10:00 > 0:10:02- Stop calling her an idiot. - Her name's Claire.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- Oh, right. Sorry, Claire. - How many scones does your gran need?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Listen, I lay them at her grave, all right?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09It's a wee tradition that I do.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10Ten scones at a grave?
0:10:10 > 0:10:12It's her birthday, she was a big woman.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16- Shagger, you've come up... - Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Jack McLaren.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- PC Jack McLaren.- Sorry.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Shagger? Yes, I am. Do I look like a shagger? Yes, I am.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Am I a shagger? Yes, I am. You call me Jack McLaren?
0:10:23 > 0:10:25- Yes, you will. OK?- OK, PC Mc...
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Claire, sorry, we will sort this out...
0:10:27 > 0:10:29I mean, this lady, she only had one item.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31OK, listen, on you go, then, all right?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33See, that's good, you're being the bigger person.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36What do you mean, being the bigger person? I feel as if...
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- No, I don't...- I feel as if you're nipping at me here.- No.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41You're nice, Shagger,
0:10:41 > 0:10:43but, sweetheart, you're getting on my nerves.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46You need to understand, it's not just today.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- This is it just coming to a head. It's every day, you know?- What is?
0:10:49 > 0:10:52That's poor lassie has just been the brunt of it but, listen,
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- I'm really sorry that you have to come out for this.- OK.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58And I apologise and I'd just like to say sorry, hen.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00- Thank you.- I'm really sorry.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- Right, I'm sorry about that, Shagger, all right?- Hey!
0:11:03 > 0:11:05- Catch you later.- PC McLaren. - PC McLaren.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07- Shagger, it's a fact, but I'm PC McLaren.- Sorry.- OK?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Sorry about that.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Thinking this volcano is dormant, the officers walk away...
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Another one! You want to go in front of me and all because...
0:11:14 > 0:11:17..only for it erupt for a second time.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19You want some of this, you clown? You want some?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Whoa! Move it. Come on. Have his scones.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- You've made life difficult for yourself.- Come on, you. Ridiculous.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29Thanks to a crazy five minutes at the self-service,
0:11:29 > 0:11:34this hothead is now doing five months of community service.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Serving the countryside community are officers Charlie McIntosh
0:11:38 > 0:11:41and Jane Mackay.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Well, we were called to the scene of what we thought
0:11:44 > 0:11:46was a breaking and entering.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48We arrived to be greeted by a woman
0:11:48 > 0:11:51who seemed quite distressed, actually.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- Hello?- Are you my backup, yeah? - Sorry?- What?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56I've called for backup.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00We soon discovered that she had made a citizen's arrest.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02- You've made a citizen's arrest... - Yeah.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05- ..of someone that you suspected... - An arrest, yeah.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07..of breaking and entering?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Oh, definitely breaking and entering, yeah. Yeah.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11- And your name is Bernie Cooper? - Bernie Cooper.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13And are you a police officer?
0:12:13 > 0:12:16I'm sort of training to be a police officer at the moment.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Oh, right. Good, aye. What stage are you at in the training?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Application.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22Right.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24So, about quarter past nine this morning,
0:12:24 > 0:12:27I saw him climbing over the fence into the garden,
0:12:27 > 0:12:28and he looked dodgy,
0:12:28 > 0:12:31like, I knew he was coming to, you know, maybe steal something.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34So, he climbed over and I managed to run out
0:12:34 > 0:12:35and get him from behind.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38I smacked him a few times because he wasn't really listening to me.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41- Right. OK.- So, you've effectively assaulted him slightly as well?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43I wouldn't say assaulted.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45So, how long has he been here in the shed?
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Four hours.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Four...four hours?!
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Why haven't you called us sooner?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52I just thought it'd do him good to be locked up
0:12:52 > 0:12:54and sort of think about what he's done.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- It's not really your decision to make.- Yeah, but...
0:12:57 > 0:12:59You should have called us immediately,
0:12:59 > 0:13:01as soon as you suspected something.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02Can I write these notes down?
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Because this is good training for me, actually.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Do you mind if I write down what you just said?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Well, generally, we take the notes.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- Yeah, but just so I can... for my next test.- OK, but we...
0:13:12 > 0:13:15- So, I should have called straight away?- Yes.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18- Should have called immediately? - Immediately.- Yeah.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21As soon as you suspected any mysterious behaviour.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24- You should not...- ..Immediately... - ..conduct...
0:13:24 > 0:13:25..Suspicious behaviour...
0:13:25 > 0:13:29..any vigilante behaviour, like you have done.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Lots to learn for this wannabe cop.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38And after Willie Saffron launches the new Bamnesty initiative,
0:13:38 > 0:13:43the chief learns that not all publicity is good publicity.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46This is just a disastrous day.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49I mean, I'm all over the... Look, Bam-eron Miekelson.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52This is how I'm being treated, you know?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Every phone-in, you turn on the radio, everybody's talking about it.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- ON RADIO:- 'The real bam out there is that chief of police.'
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Ohh...
0:14:00 > 0:14:04And in the end, someone's got to take responsibility.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07You know, the buck has to stop somewhere.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09This is the biggest PR disaster
0:14:09 > 0:14:13in the history of the Scottish Police Force.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15HE SIGHS
0:14:15 > 0:14:19You've got to be big enough to take responsibility.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Stand up and be counted.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28So, I've had the lawyers draft this up.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Only remains for me to sign it.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Ah, this is a sad day for the Scottish Police Force.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39But a sadder day for Willie Saffron,
0:14:39 > 0:14:43because that is his contract terminated.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46With immediate effect, Jean!
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Another big decision nailed.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50When you've got to go, you've got to go.
0:14:50 > 0:14:55And Maggie LeBeau has got to go...on the phone to the public.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Police emergency, how may I be of assistance?
0:14:58 > 0:14:59No, your leg shouldn't have fallen off.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01That's... No, that's concerning.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05When he fell in the ravine, were his pants on or off?
0:15:05 > 0:15:08As far as I can see, the nearest zoo is over 100 miles away,
0:15:08 > 0:15:10so I'm not sure that it's going to be a panther.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14I would say one big way that my work affects me
0:15:14 > 0:15:16is that it has really put me off men.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Because they can be really sleazy on the phone.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21OK, sir, the car will be with you shortly.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26No, you can't have my personal phone number.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28I'm going to have to ask you to get off the line,
0:15:28 > 0:15:29we need to clear it.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Emergency response phone congestion is a very serious issue,
0:15:32 > 0:15:34and I'm never going to have a future
0:15:34 > 0:15:37with somebody who doesn't take that seriously. OK?
0:15:37 > 0:15:41Even last week, for example, I had this guy hitting on me,
0:15:41 > 0:15:45he's laying it on thick, I know he's married.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47I'm like, "You're phoning us
0:15:47 > 0:15:49"to report that your wife's been mugged."
0:15:49 > 0:15:53I'm not a mug. I mean, that's disgraceful, in my books.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Back at the countryside contretemps,
0:15:57 > 0:16:00McIntosh and Mackay are keen to shed some light
0:16:00 > 0:16:03on who's locked in the garden.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07Yep, lead on. Show us where you've locked him up.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- Oh, no. Oh, I don't believe it. - What?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Hang on.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- This is where he was? - This is where he was.- Oh, great(!)
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Do you want to put a call out? Get some more backup?
0:16:18 > 0:16:20No, no. We don't need to do that. Just tell us again.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22So, this is where you locked the man up.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- Yes.- After you'd beaten him up. - I take it the shed was full?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27- Do you know what I think's happened here?- Yeah?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- I think he's escaped. - I think that's pretty obvious.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32- We know that.- He could be anywhere. Armed!
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- The tool box is open.- He's armed now because you locked him in
0:16:35 > 0:16:37- with a pile of tools. - But that's not my fault.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39- It definitely is your fault. - Well, it is.- No.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41The first thing we need to do is find out
0:16:41 > 0:16:42what is missing from the shed.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45So, if you can identify any tools that might not be here
0:16:45 > 0:16:47any longer, that would be great.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Yeah. Is the bike gone? Maybe that's how he fled.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51- I don't know. - What do you mean, you don't know?
0:16:51 > 0:16:53I have no idea what's missing.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- So, you just chuck stuff in your shed?- It's not my shed.- Sorry, what?
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- How did... - This is somebody else's property?
0:16:59 > 0:17:00No, I live two doors along,
0:17:00 > 0:17:02and I saw him climbing over that fence.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06What you should have done was call us out immediately.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Immediately. Yeah, and there's no point in taking notes, OK?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Because all of this is common sense. If you don't have any of it,
0:17:12 > 0:17:13you're not going to get into the police.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16We're going to need this for evidence.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18We'll just get you to sign off on your statement
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- and then we can arrest you properly. - Yeah.- What?!- Yeah.
0:17:21 > 0:17:22We're going to have to arrest you.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- You're arresting ME? - We're definitely arresting you.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27We can't prove anything that this mystery man has done,
0:17:27 > 0:17:29but we know that you've broken in.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31We know that you've detained someone illegally.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33- We know you've obstructed... - Assaulted him.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Basically, we are arresting you for five crimes at the moment.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38There was lessons to be learned today.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40As Charlie said, don't take the law into your own hands.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43And certainly don't put a saw in the hands of someone
0:17:43 > 0:17:46- who you suspect to be dangerous. - Yeah.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49I think you're going to come with us.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- You're going to be cuffed. Come on. - I'll learn. I'll learn.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54I'm learning a lot from you guys already.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Can I mention I know you guys at my next interview?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58- Please don't. - You absolutely can't.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00We don't want this to reflect poorly on us.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03There is no way she is ever going to be a police officer.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06If this woman ever becomes a police officer,
0:18:06 > 0:18:08then I will hang up my hat.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10And then I'll eat it.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14- It's best for you if you just stop talking now.- Right.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18The range of things that we are faced with day to day
0:18:18 > 0:18:21in the station has increased dramatically.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23You know, we're not just focusing on crime any more.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26People see us as a broader church than that.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29You know, they'll come to us for citizens' advice...
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Officer Karen, I need help. I need backup.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- What's happening, Bobby? - Somebody's stole my face.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36..financial advice...
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Have you been carrying that around in a plastic bag?!
0:18:39 > 0:18:40..environmental...
0:18:40 > 0:18:42- Somebody's lost their bed. - Bobby!
0:18:42 > 0:18:45- There's chocolate stains all over it.- ..health and safety...
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Please don't do that in front of children. It's not safe.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50- SQUEAKY VOICE: - How? Is it going to scare them?
0:18:50 > 0:18:51..food and hygiene...
0:18:51 > 0:18:54You cannae eat food that you get out of skips.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- Do you want one?- No.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57The law is not easy.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59What does "phallic" mean?
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Realistically, for the public, the best way to know
0:19:02 > 0:19:04if you've broken the law is for us to tell you.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09From dusk till dawn till dusk till dawn,
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Scot Squad are perpetually on patrol. Always.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17One of the things I enjoy most about this job
0:19:17 > 0:19:21is meeting new people, with the aim of making new friends.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25One of the groups I've got a natural affinity with is prostitutes.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28I love the prostitutes. I really do.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31I feel a strong connection to them.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Ach, here's our Kenneth, son.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37- Hello, Candy.- What have you in your bag of tricks tonight, love?
0:19:37 > 0:19:41- Oh, I've got a few things for you in here.- Maxy, Tyra!
0:19:41 > 0:19:46I spend a lot of time with them, doing lots of things for them.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47I feed them soups, sandwiches.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50- Yes, you do like your egg. - I do, I do.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54I've got a change of socks and stuff, they never really want that.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56It's usually high heels they wear and that.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00Whoa-oh! Getting a wee freebie there, Officer?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02How dare you?! Away wi' you!
0:20:02 > 0:20:05- Good man, Kenneth Beattie. Come on, son.- Bastards!
0:20:05 > 0:20:07- You're all right.- Sorry. - Never mind.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Ken, never mind. Gobshites. God bless you, Ken.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13I'll be on my way. Take care, girls. Have a safe night.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16- Everybody loves Ken. - Oh, they do. That's right.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Toodles.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Don't talk to strangers unless they're the work strangers
0:20:20 > 0:20:21that you...
0:20:21 > 0:20:23We'll remember.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24- OK.- Genius you are, Ken.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Later on in the evening, the boys approached me
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- and said some pretty nasty things. - A pimp, eh?
0:20:30 > 0:20:31The prostitutes came in...
0:20:31 > 0:20:33WOMEN SHOUT
0:20:33 > 0:20:36..attacked the boys quite viciously.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Get to... Come on.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41See you anywhere near Ken again, you'll be sorry.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44You better walk away, you pair of wee rides.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- They wee dicks annoying you? - Pal, you're all right.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Will we walk you to the bus stop, then?
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Come on, we'll walk you down.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54- I'll maybe take a wee seat, actually.- You take a wee seat.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57'Some people think heroes come as firemen
0:20:57 > 0:20:59'or as people dressed as bats.'
0:20:59 > 0:21:03I like to think heroes are women in high heels, and poor hygiene.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05And they say you should never meet your heroes.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07HE SCOFFS
0:21:07 > 0:21:10There are two very clear rules when dealing with suspects in custody.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14Firstly, we can't charge you if you're too drunk.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Secondly, we can't hold you for longer than 24 hours
0:21:18 > 0:21:20without charging you.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22So, yeah, smart criminals amongst you will probably have
0:21:22 > 0:21:24worked out the loophole,
0:21:24 > 0:21:26and that's exactly what's happening.
0:21:26 > 0:21:31Criminals are getting INSANELY drunk before committing huge crimes
0:21:31 > 0:21:37in the hope that they won't sober up within the 24-hour period,
0:21:37 > 0:21:38and we can't charge them.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41So, we've approached the Justice Secretary
0:21:41 > 0:21:43and we've asked for a slight definition change
0:21:43 > 0:21:45in what is drunkenness and what is not.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48So, basically, if you're slurring,
0:21:48 > 0:21:51if you're staggering about a bit, if you're singing Danny Boy
0:21:51 > 0:21:53and telling the staff sergeant you love him,
0:21:53 > 0:21:54we're going to charge you.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57If you're at the stage where you're losing control of your bowels,
0:21:57 > 0:22:00then we'll probably hang fire.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04From the top dog to road dogs McKirdy and Singh.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06It's not always plain sailing
0:22:06 > 0:22:09on the seven seas of Scotland's roundabouts.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Well, we received a call just at the start of our shift
0:22:12 > 0:22:15regarding reports of a ship
0:22:15 > 0:22:17that was abandoned in the middle of a roundabout.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Apparently, there'd been a flood of complaints against this boat,
0:22:20 > 0:22:23so we had to go down and check it out.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25It's a belter.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30It's a cracking big bit of kit, innit?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Here, Surjit.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Here! Give me a punt up, mate. Gonnae?
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Yeah, I could do that, or you could use the ladder.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Oh, right. Aye, I'll give that a bash.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47MCKIRDY CHUCKLES
0:22:47 > 0:22:49I'm on a boat!
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- Anything?- Hold up, there's a number here.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54There's a number, there's a mobile number.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58Hi there. This is PC Surjit Singh of the Scottish Police Force.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Are you by any chance missing a boat?
0:23:02 > 0:23:04We need you to come down and remove it.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09This woman's taking ages.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10Ages.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Did cavemen drink milk?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18- Cavemen?- Aye.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20I'm on this caveman diet, right?
0:23:20 > 0:23:23So, you can only eat the likes of meat, chicken,
0:23:23 > 0:23:26eat raw vegetables, everything that cavemen had, right?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29So, I can't have anything else, it's only stuff that cavemen have.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- OK. - So, I just wanted to clear up...
0:23:32 > 0:23:34You'll ken if I'm allowed to use milk.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Well, yeah, I'm pretty sure they would have had
0:23:37 > 0:23:41domesticated animals by then. Goats, maybe cows.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43- Aye, that's all right. - Milk should be... But why milk?
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Because I kind of poured some in my Cheerios this morning.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49I was just kind of wondering if milk was allowed.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53I don't think cavemen had Cheerios.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- Oh,- BLEEP,- haven't I?
0:23:58 > 0:24:01People do stupid things and we have to call them out on it.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03If they didn't do it, we wouldn't have to do that.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Are you a real captain?
0:24:05 > 0:24:09I believe she was very disappointed and was complaining about, you know,
0:24:09 > 0:24:13the prices about leaving your boat, mooring your boat at docks,
0:24:13 > 0:24:17and, you know, she wanted to say that it's actually quite expensive.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20But I was thinking to myself, "Hen, you own a boat."
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Maggie LeBeau is used to dealing with the big questions.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31You did say he was 6'2" and now you're saying he's 5'10".
0:24:31 > 0:24:33What's the difference?
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Well, four inches.
0:24:35 > 0:24:40And no matter how tough they are, she's always got an answer.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44Well, there's lots of discussion around arming the police.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47And, personally, I would have to say I'm not a fan.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51If I were to treat a gun the same way as I do my headset,
0:24:51 > 0:24:54I mean, that thing... I bang it off my teeth all the time.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57The wee sponge at the end, I've swallowed two of those.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01In the last year, I've lost it at least four times.
0:25:01 > 0:25:06And it's literally strapped to my head, so, to me, that's not safe.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09All right, Officer Karen? How are you doing?
0:25:09 > 0:25:11All right, Bobby. What can I do for you today?
0:25:11 > 0:25:14See they bad boys that are always parked up
0:25:14 > 0:25:16- at the double yellow lines at the schools?- Uh-huh.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- They're back again and I was just like that...- Right.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23..I'll come down and I'll tell Officer Karen about it. Okey dokey.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Bobby, what are you eating your lunch with?
0:25:26 > 0:25:28It's a noodle fork.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31I got it from the car-boot sale.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32Right.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36I've got a feeling it might actually be a backscratcher.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37No. Look.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41- No...- It's dented at the bottom for the noodles. See?
0:25:41 > 0:25:45I think you'll find it's probably a backscratcher.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Um...
0:25:47 > 0:25:48I'm doing all right with it.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Well, you're losing quite a lot of your lunch so far.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54And not in a good way.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57So, are you going to go up and you're going to sort they guys out?
0:25:57 > 0:26:00I'm going to ask a car to go round and...
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Bobby, now that I can see it kind of sans noodles,
0:26:02 > 0:26:05that's definitely a backscratcher. That's what that's for.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07So, that's a backscratcher?
0:26:07 > 0:26:10- Yep. That's what it's for. There we go. See?- Yeah.
0:26:10 > 0:26:11I'll try my back.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Oh. Here we go, that's it, page marked.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15That's amazing.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Ooh-hoo-hoo!
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Oh, that's good.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- Is it good, yeah? - Aye, that's good. You want a shot?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24No, I'm good, thanks. I'm all right.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Chuck that in the bin, right, Officer Karen? Bye!
0:26:27 > 0:26:28Bye.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34We're shortly going to be rolling out a new strategy,
0:26:34 > 0:26:36which is a working-from-home strategy.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Studies have shown that, actually,
0:26:39 > 0:26:44interestingly, productivity rises if you work from home.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47So, I am going to be the guinea pig,
0:26:47 > 0:26:53because I wouldn't want any of my men to do something
0:26:53 > 0:26:56that I am not willing to do myself.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Jean! Yeah.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05I can't log in. Can you remotely log in for me?
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Could you e-mail me the Anderson file again?
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Yeah, Jean. No, the whole thing's just frozen.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15Can you get one of the IT boys to either access me remotely
0:27:15 > 0:27:18or come round themselves? Thanks very much.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Jean? Yeah. Do I take sugar in my coffee?
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Hey! Front! Do the front first!
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Listen, son. No, you listen to me.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34I don't even know what you're talking about.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37I never bought anything like that, I don't know what PPI is.
0:27:37 > 0:27:38Jean, hello. Yeah, thank you.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Anderson file's come through, looking for the SOCG file.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Have one of the boys run it over, put it on a bike for me.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Thank you.
0:27:46 > 0:27:47HE SNORES
0:27:47 > 0:27:49It wasn't an unqualified success
0:27:49 > 0:27:53but I don't think we would be filing it under "disaster".
0:27:53 > 0:27:56Um...teething troubles.
0:27:56 > 0:27:57And I think if we do it again...
0:27:57 > 0:28:00It was the lack of Jean, really.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03We could maybe transport the whole of this office there,
0:28:03 > 0:28:05actually, would be better.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07We could get a bunch of Portakabins there and get all of them...
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Well, not a skeleton staff,
0:28:09 > 0:28:11maybe eight or ten of them to come down and help.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Then I think the whole working from home would work.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Basically, if the office and everybody who works in the office
0:28:17 > 0:28:20was at home with me, is what we've learned.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23But you've got to try these things.