0:00:02 > 0:00:03- Coming up...- Jamie!
0:00:03 > 0:00:05..a shoplifter gets lifted...
0:00:05 > 0:00:08I actually do need the pants. Give me the pants.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11..an archaeological thief gets pinched...
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Oh!
0:00:13 > 0:00:16..and a criminal clown is collared.
0:00:16 > 0:00:17You're at it, Bongo.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Just another day at the office for the officers
0:00:21 > 0:00:24of the Scottish Police Force.
0:00:24 > 0:00:25Didn't expect that, did I?
0:00:25 > 0:00:28This is...Scot Squad.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45It's another busy day for Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48I want to make sure that some of the internet doesn't happen again.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50And at the coalface of crime,
0:00:50 > 0:00:53he has got more to deal with than minor problems.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Something that always surprises the public is what we do with
0:00:56 > 0:00:58the stolen goods, because obviously we recover so many,
0:00:58 > 0:01:00we are good at our job.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02So the warehouse is absolutely bursting -
0:01:02 > 0:01:05it's like the Amazon office down there with stolen goods.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08What we find is that a lot of the time the people that have
0:01:08 > 0:01:10been stolen off don't want them back.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13And fair enough, they have paid their insurance, you know?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16You get your golf clubs nicked, you don't want your old ones back,
0:01:16 > 0:01:19do you? You want a new set of golf clubs. So, what do we do with it?
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Well, we sell it. They say crime doesn't pay.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Well, it does for us.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26We flog it off.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30We get high on our own supply and it is perfectly legitimate.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32We don't sell everything.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34I mean, believe me, we could make a lot more money
0:01:34 > 0:01:38if we sell the drugs, but that is just absolute no go.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42Weaponry. Now, that's an interesting one because there are grey areas.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46The sgian-dhu, the little knife that goes in the sock,
0:01:46 > 0:01:47that is fair enough.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50But beyond that, I don't think you can go.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55We recovered a bazooka in Airdrie once
0:01:55 > 0:01:58and that just had to be passed straight on to the powers that be.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02So, I hear what you're saying, the government sells weaponry
0:02:02 > 0:02:05willy-nilly around the world, so why can't we?
0:02:05 > 0:02:07I hear what you are saying and that's...
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Maybe that's a debate for another day.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12All I am saying is at the moment, currently...
0:02:12 > 0:02:17where we are now, we do not sell weaponry to the public.
0:02:17 > 0:02:23The public are everywhere and using his very particular set of skills,
0:02:23 > 0:02:28volunteer officer Ken Beattie will hunt them down and help them all.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32Sometimes in this job you don't know how you are going to help people
0:02:32 > 0:02:34but you always manage to help people.
0:02:34 > 0:02:39Today I was just going for my lunch and I seen a lost-looking man.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43- I can't help but noticing, sir, that you are a wee bit...- Blind, aye.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Blind, yeah. I wasn't sure if that was the correct PVC term for it.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51- The correct what term?- PVC.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53- PC? Politically correct?- Yeah.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55What do you think the politically correct term is?
0:02:55 > 0:02:58- Visually disabled? - Visually disabled?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Well, no, visually...
0:03:00 > 0:03:02How about just disabled?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Yeah, sorry, sir.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05Bit awkward now.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07KEN CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Would you like a...like a hand?
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- I'm needing to buy some clothes, so can you...?- Of course.
0:03:12 > 0:03:17This is actually a shop of various things, like food and clothing,
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- so you could get... - Is it a supermarket?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22- That's exactly what it is. - Just say that, then!- Sorry.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25I've got to get going. Can you give me a hand doing the shopping?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Of course, I'll give you a hand. This is automatic doors.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Aye, don't worry, they'll automatically open.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- They do, that's why they are called automatic.- Exactly.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37From opening doors to closing cases, officers McLaren
0:03:37 > 0:03:40and Fletcher nail the guilty...
0:03:40 > 0:03:45It's crude, it's rude, it's offensive towards food.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Arnie Schwarzenegger, put your top on, eh?
0:03:47 > 0:03:51..and are guilty themselves of protecting the innocent.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54It's part and parcel of police work. We are there for everyone.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Regardless of who you are, we are there for everyone.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59But particularly, I'd say, the vulnerable in society.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02- Hello! - Mrs McKelvie, how nice to see you.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06- It's so nice to see you. - Do you remember us?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- I do indeed.- Jack and Sarah, uh-huh.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Yes, it is very kind of you to be keeping an eye on me.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Maybe people who can't help themselves or don't have
0:04:15 > 0:04:20anyone to help them, you know, we are there for them.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Later that day,
0:04:22 > 0:04:26the officers hear of a break-in back at the old lady's house.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30- Copy that.- Mrs McKelvie. - Mrs McKelvie?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- SIREN WAILS - Go, Jack.- Yeah.- Hurry!
0:04:33 > 0:04:36I can't believe that. We just seen her today!
0:04:36 > 0:04:40115 year old, her heart won't take it.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42It breaks your heart. You just think it is one of your own.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44You think, "That could have been my gran," you know?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47It could have been your mum, it could have been anybody,
0:04:47 > 0:04:49so we get there as fast as possible.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Because you're worried, you are worried about them.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55- What's happening? We got your call.- Yes, come.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01Mrs McKelvie, is there anyone still in the house?
0:05:01 > 0:05:02He's in the living room.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- If you stand back, Mrs McKelvie. - We'll take care of this, OK?
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Who did this to him?
0:05:18 > 0:05:19I did.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23He had no right to come into my house.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28I saw this strange man and I...
0:05:28 > 0:05:30I picked up this brush...
0:05:30 > 0:05:32I think we will just leave that there, yeah.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35I think we have done enough damage with the brush.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37..and I just bashed him. He had no right.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Quite a few times you bashed him, by the looks of things, eh?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43He's not dead, is he?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45He is not dead, no.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Unfortunately we're going to have to take you down to the station.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50- Jack, do we have to?- Erm, yes.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55- When I saw his face... - You decided to panel-beat it?
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- Well, I didn't like it. - Aye, clearly you didn't like it!
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Remember your belt.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03- Safety first, Mrs McKelvie.- Yes.
0:06:03 > 0:06:09'It turns out that Mrs McKelvie could certainly handle herself.'
0:06:09 > 0:06:12But that won't stop us calling in on a Thursday afternoon
0:06:12 > 0:06:15on our rounds for a Bakewell tart.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Certainly wouldn't mess with her, I'd say.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20As a criminal gets smashed,
0:06:20 > 0:06:26Ken Beattie has a bash at helping this man shop for clobber.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I was more than happy to help,
0:06:28 > 0:06:32so I led him inside by the arm and guided him around the aisles.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36- What's this one here? - They're white trousers, size 18.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39I am needing a pair of size 18 white trousers.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46- That's a nice... Is that a bag? - That's a handbag, yeah.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49It is white, this one. So you put it over your shoulder.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51- I know how a bag works. - Sorry, Jamie.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Are you all right with that basket?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56It's getting quite heavy, actually.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00- What are you, about four foot? - I'm five foot two.- Five foot two.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02It is a good height for a...boy.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04I'm a man.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06It is like a T-shirt with a tail.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09- If you wanted to hide your bum area...- Ah!
0:07:09 > 0:07:13It is a T-shirt that is quite high and then there is a bum guard.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14- That's cracking!- OK.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17We're coming up to a corner now.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Now, we can go left or right.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22That's like most corners, Ken.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32There's some more T-shirts and stuff there.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Oh, boy! Two of them.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38That says "nice to eat you" and it has got a shark on it.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39That's quite good, actually, isn't it?
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- That is really funny, actually. We'll take four of them.- Four?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Aye, they're cracking.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- Have you seen Jaws? - I've not SEEN Jaws, no.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Of course you've not.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52It's all right, Ken. I've heard it.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55When you hear the splash of water, you know that's the shark.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Then when you hear that one guy that was talking
0:07:57 > 0:08:00isn't talking any more, you know that he was the one that was eaten.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04I might start watching films with my eyes closed now, actually.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07I suppose a silent film, though, like The Artist...
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Nothing for me.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11- Nice music. - Charlie Chaplin - wanker.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17One man who has no time to shop is Scotland's busiest man,
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Today I am having a round with
0:08:23 > 0:08:25a few of the boys from the Federation Of Small Businesses.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Bit of a charity fundraiser, you know?
0:08:27 > 0:08:31It means I get to give something back to the community and, you know,
0:08:31 > 0:08:35get to police the mean streets of a beautifully-manicured fairway.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- Do you fancy making it interesting? - Absolutely.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40What do you say, 10% of your company?
0:08:40 > 0:08:42That's more than you make in a year!
0:08:42 > 0:08:44I'll tell you what, 10% of my company,
0:08:44 > 0:08:4610% of your forces back in Aberdeen.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47Well, what would we do that for?
0:08:47 > 0:08:51It's only rustling up there, isn't it? Come on, boys.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54I'd take out your binoculars, if I were you.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Oh, Jesus!
0:08:58 > 0:09:01I think you'll have to phone search and rescue for that one.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- Don't talk during my backswing! - I'm sorry.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Good luck!
0:09:08 > 0:09:11There's more chance of finding Lord Lucan
0:09:11 > 0:09:12than we have of finding your ball in here.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16Yeah, you made that joke on the last hole. I'm still laughing at it.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Aye, actually on your mark though.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21- It's on the mark.- No, it's nae!
0:09:21 > 0:09:24That's an extra half-inch in front there, man.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27You're supposed to stand for law and order, not cheating.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28I am the law!
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- There's something glinting there. - Glinting?
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Oh, no, sorry, mate. Got it.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35It was right here. OK.
0:09:35 > 0:09:40- Are you making a humming noise? - I'm not making a humming noise!
0:09:40 > 0:09:42- Are you sure it's nae tinnitus from the sirens?- Shush!
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Oh...
0:09:47 > 0:09:50- Putt away.- What?- Putt away.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51It's dead, it's stone dead.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- You're not going to make me putt that.- Come on, man!
0:09:54 > 0:09:57- You're not going to make me putt that.- BLEEP!
0:09:57 > 0:09:59- Short again.- BLEEP!
0:09:59 > 0:10:01- Super.- Unbelievable!- Good shot.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Back in the supermarket,
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Ken Beattie's good deed is almost done.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08- You were very good, genuinely. - Thank you so much.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11To be honest, I am a bit of what can only be described as a shopaholic.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I've taken too much.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17There is absolutely no way my benefit cheque is going to stretch
0:10:17 > 0:10:20to all this. Would you be able to take that back and...?
0:10:20 > 0:10:24I'm just going to take these because I think that is all I can afford.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27He suddenly decided he had too much clothes in his basket,
0:10:27 > 0:10:30which I kind of thought he did but I didn't want to...
0:10:30 > 0:10:32You know, I didn't want to be too pushy
0:10:32 > 0:10:35because I was already pushing him around physically.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37I didn't want to do it mentally as well.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40So I decided to take some of the clothes back for him
0:10:40 > 0:10:42and I turned around and...
0:10:42 > 0:10:48Jamie! '..he was fleeing the scene with his stick.'
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Jamie!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- You shoplifted, didn't you? - Shoplifted what?
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Shoplifted those T-shirts. I seen you with my own eyes.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58I bought them.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00You didn't buy them. Show me the receipt, then.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02I've not got it, I put it in the bin.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Show me it. You have shoplifted.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06- Have you got a DVD player at home? - Hands off!
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- Have you got a DVD player at home? - Yes.- Yeah?
0:11:09 > 0:11:12- How about that? - No, OK? That is a bribe.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16- That is blackmail, and you've got a camera.- You can only...
0:11:16 > 0:11:18- Ah!- What?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- You have taken my white stick. - Sorry. It got caught.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24What is your problem?
0:11:24 > 0:11:27He was using his blindness as a cloak of invisibility.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31No, I actually do need the pants. Give me the pants, come on.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33I can't give you the pants.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36So whether he was blind or able-sighted,
0:11:36 > 0:11:38no difference to me.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41You shoplift, I am taking you down.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44'And I did take him down.' Blind prison!
0:11:44 > 0:11:48He may have been blind, but justice is not...
0:11:48 > 0:11:49blind.
0:11:52 > 0:11:57The unified Scottish Police Force speaks with one clear voice...
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Police emergency, how may I be of assistance?
0:11:59 > 0:12:03..and that voice is vocalised through the vocal cords of Maggie LeBeau.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Thing is, you have to have the right-shaped hands for it.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09I have got great, fantastic, supportive colleagues
0:12:09 > 0:12:12and, I mean, it is a very thrilling place to work.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Vibrant and exciting.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18This is my desk where all the action happens.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Over here we have Liam in today.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24He is great fun, very nice.
0:12:24 > 0:12:30Very nice teeth. We also have got Ben and we have got Jill.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Kenny is not here. Kenny is the banter.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36He is kind of like our office joker.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37Squids.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41I mean, who has squids on their desk? Kenny has squids on his desk.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43This - hilarious.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Fruit-and-khamun.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49We have a picture of a mole. Like, a police mole.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51This is a wee replica of his dog, which died,
0:12:51 > 0:12:53and the ashes are actually in here.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Seven down, seven to play. It is nae looking good, Chief.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Seven down and seven to play.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03People come back from worse, by the way.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07- Argh!- Oh!
0:13:09 > 0:13:11- Jesus, guys, come on!- Coming!
0:13:13 > 0:13:14How are you doing?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Oh, that's a bad one. That's a bad one, yeah.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20How are you doing? Cameron Miekelson, Chief of Police.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21That's who you've been hit by.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23You'll always remember that day. OK...
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- Ach, he's not looking good. - He's fine!- No, no.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28He is standing up, he's fine.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30No, listen, I'll get you to hospital.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32- I'm the Chief of Police... - He doesn't need hospital!
0:13:32 > 0:13:35I am not taking no for an answer. We'll get you checked out.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38We don't want you seeing turtles crawling up the wall tonight.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40We've got money riding on this game now!
0:13:40 > 0:13:41- Call it a draw.- A draw?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44- Call it a draw.- You hit somebody in the coupon and it's a draw?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47It is a draw. Seven to play, evens. All right.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Cheers, now, bye.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52'The golf day was very successful.'
0:13:52 > 0:13:54An unsuccessful end, of course,
0:13:54 > 0:13:57the poor gentleman who got hit with the golf ball.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01It happened at a difficult time cos I was really just finding my range.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05When you think how difficult it is to hit a man
0:14:05 > 0:14:09right on the napper from 250 yards at that kind of angle
0:14:09 > 0:14:11through the trees,
0:14:11 > 0:14:14then it shows you that I was really coming on to my game.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18If you'd excuse me, I have just got to send the gentleman who took it
0:14:18 > 0:14:20on the napper a little get well card.
0:14:20 > 0:14:25The thing here is, I need to convey my condolences and best wishes
0:14:25 > 0:14:29but not give him a glimmer of hope of any legal redress, you know?
0:14:29 > 0:14:33I can't take any responsibility. So I've settled on...
0:14:33 > 0:14:41"Sorry to hear that you were hit by an object on a golf course
0:14:41 > 0:14:46"whilst not taking due care and attention.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50"Best wishes, Cameron Miekelson."
0:14:50 > 0:14:54Someone whose middle name is due care and attention is
0:14:54 > 0:14:59Desk Sergeant Karen Ann "Due Care And Attention" Millar.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03I take it as a matter of personal pride that no matter who
0:15:03 > 0:15:05comes through that door...
0:15:05 > 0:15:07All right, Officer Karen?
0:15:07 > 0:15:10..they are going to be treated exactly the same way.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13See, the next thing I need you to do is go and phone the doctor.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I don't care if you are a beggar or a king, I don't care
0:15:16 > 0:15:19if you are Victoria Beckham or Victoria "Sticky Vicky" Jenkins
0:15:19 > 0:15:22who lives on the scheme up the end of the street,
0:15:22 > 0:15:24you're going to get treated exactly the same way.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39All right, Officer Karen? How are you doing?
0:15:39 > 0:15:41- I've got a wee present for you. - What are you...?
0:15:41 > 0:15:45Why were you standing outside eating...eating a banana?
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Because you're not allowed to eat in police stations.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51You are, actually. It's all right.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53I got these as a present for you.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56I'm not... I'm not very fond of bananas.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00Normally it's 10p a banana but I managed to get them for 3p a banana.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03If you could just take them out of the station, that would be great.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05- Do you want to see how fast I can eat them?- Not really.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- Are you counting?- Mmm-hmm.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15Two?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18No doubt that you can manage two, I'd just really rather you didn't.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19I am like Bananaman.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Two. Easy.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29That went down there easy.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38That's three, Officer Karen. Oh...
0:16:40 > 0:16:41Are you OK?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45My fourth one down. It's a marathon.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47Are you counting?
0:16:47 > 0:16:51I can't really take my eyes off it, to be honest, Bobby.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Officer Karen, I'm good for four.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Oh, no, Officer Karen!
0:16:59 > 0:17:01HE RETCHES
0:17:02 > 0:17:05< Two seconds, Officer Karen.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07HE YELLS
0:17:07 > 0:17:09TOILET FLUSHES
0:17:09 > 0:17:13That's me, Officer Karen. Don't worry about it.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15- I won't be doing that again. - No. You all right?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- Aye, I'm all right. Are you all right?- Well...
0:17:18 > 0:17:22I better go because my leg is starting to go numb.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Right, bye-bye.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26See you later. Bye.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32To be a traffic cop, you need good eyes, patience and a long memory,
0:17:32 > 0:17:36and Officers Singh and McKirdie have all that between them.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39The thing with this job is that you will come across people
0:17:39 > 0:17:41who you have apprehended before.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Case in point, a little while ago
0:17:43 > 0:17:47we noticed a car which the brake lights weren't working on.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52So we decided to pull the chap over and just have a chat with him.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54So, how does that manage to pass an MOT?
0:17:54 > 0:17:56What's that?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59The certificate you have to get to make sure the car is roadworthy.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01- That you can drive on it. - It is on the road, though.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- Yeah, but it's not safe. - I can drive it.- But it's not safe.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Yeah, I've no' crashed.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08- Well, that's...- That doesn't matter.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Also, if you have no' got your MOT,
0:18:10 > 0:18:14it basically means your insurance is invalid as well, which of course...
0:18:14 > 0:18:17That's nothing to worry about. I don't even have that.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- It was just an option, wasn't it? - Not really.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22It's an option that you have to take.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Now, obviously he was in disguise and I didn't recognise him.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27But my partner here...
0:18:27 > 0:18:29I recognised him from previously arresting him
0:18:29 > 0:18:32for being in charge of an ice cream van which was selling alcohol.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35I went into jail and they did this clown course.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38- Wait till you hear my name. You want to hear my name?- What?
0:18:38 > 0:18:40- You ready for it?- Aye. - It's a belter.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Bongo Buttons.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Bongo Buttons?
0:18:43 > 0:18:45- What's that, like...?- Number one children's entertainer
0:18:45 > 0:18:47in my postcode.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48- Aye?- I'm brilliant.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52- I've got a few tricks I can do. You watching this, man?- On you go.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Oh!
0:18:56 > 0:18:58BONGO LAUGHS
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- Like that.- Yes! What? Oh...
0:19:01 > 0:19:05- Oh, aye, my auntie used to do that. - Is your auntie a clown and all?
0:19:05 > 0:19:06HUGH LAUGHS
0:19:06 > 0:19:07Aye!
0:19:09 > 0:19:13You're just not into this at all, are you? He is awful straight-laced.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15I know. A clown, you know what I mean?
0:19:15 > 0:19:17I take it you were en route to a booking the now?
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- I was on my way the now. - Where is it?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22It is just a couple of mile up the road there.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24What I'll do is, I'll issue you with a ticket
0:19:24 > 0:19:26and then I'll let you go on your way.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28I'll just be able to jump up in the motor
0:19:28 > 0:19:29cos it's a couple of miles away.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32No, you'll have to take a bus or a taxi or something like that.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- We are taking that car. - Are you taking my motor?- Yeah.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Oh, what?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- Give us a wee lift.- No.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Right, I'm going to be straight with yous. It's my boy.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45It's my wee boy, it's his birthday.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48- And you are meant to be going to...? - I'm to be going.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Going to be disappointing my own boy.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Going to be disappointing Bongo Button's son.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- I suppose if it's his boy, you know what I mean?- We can't help him.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59- Come on, it's his boy, mate. - Sit back.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Have you got everything you need out that car?
0:20:02 > 0:20:06Thanks very much, boys. Listen, honestly, a life-saver.
0:20:06 > 0:20:11The circus might be in town but the countryside is anything but in town.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14How can you like a horse? Look at it, it's massive.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18And rural officers Mackay and McIntosh
0:20:18 > 0:20:23ensure no-one has a free pass to trespass.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26We received a tip-off about some illegal activity
0:20:26 > 0:20:28on a protected heritage site.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31- METAL DETECTOR SQUEALS - Hello?- Excuse me, sir.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Someone was metal detecting
0:20:33 > 0:20:38and digging up some really rare, valuable finds.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40I tried the beach, but the...
0:20:40 > 0:20:42(The children make fun of me.)
0:20:42 > 0:20:44- What?- The children make fun of me.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Children, they make fun of me. They sneak ahead of me
0:20:47 > 0:20:49and throw coins down into the sand for me to find.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51So it's not because of the...?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- What's wrong with this? - No, sorry, my mistake.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- You don't like it?- I...am a fan.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59We are not the fashion police here,
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- we are here to discuss this issue at hand.- You're acting like it!
0:21:02 > 0:21:05You cannot go onto that land and just take what you want,
0:21:05 > 0:21:07which is essentially what he was doing.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10It was like going into an antique shop and just picking up
0:21:10 > 0:21:12a pocket watch and walking out.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14That's what he was doing but in a field.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18It's just a couple of coins. Nobody will...
0:21:18 > 0:21:21The people who owned them have been dead 2,000 years.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- OK, well, this is... - We can't touch that. Just show us.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28- This is a bracelet... - You have taken that off some...
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- No, it was just... - That is a child's bracelet.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33I am not Lara Croft, I am not raiding people's tombs!
0:21:33 > 0:21:37- What else is in the bag?- There's nothing, that's just...- Please.
0:21:37 > 0:21:42- Show us the contents. - OK, listen, don't overreact.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44But when I am digging up some of the artefacts
0:21:44 > 0:21:46and they are all shiny, it attracts magpies.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50- I have got a bit of protection, you know?- Come on, what's...?
0:21:50 > 0:21:54- It's an air pistol.- Whoa! - It's an air pistol, it's...
0:21:54 > 0:21:56That is still dangerous. We are going to have to...
0:21:56 > 0:21:59- GUNSHOT - Oh!- Argh!
0:21:59 > 0:22:00Gah!
0:22:00 > 0:22:03'It took me out momentarily.' Oh, he shot me!
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Sorry.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07'Charlie hit the deck and I had to run in there,
0:22:07 > 0:22:12'get the guy to the floor and make the arrest, which I did.'
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I didn't mean to shoot you!
0:22:16 > 0:22:18- Charlie...- Oh!- Come on.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21'Metal detecting is quite a lame hobby, anyway.'
0:22:21 > 0:22:23I don't know.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27You know, you might say the same about someone that flies kites.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30- Yeah, that is lame too.- Yeah...
0:22:30 > 0:22:34Yeah, it is, actually. Yeah. I don't know why anyone would do that.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Pull a piece on the Scot Squad
0:22:36 > 0:22:39and the only metal you'll be detecting are prison bars.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45Meanwhile, McLaren and Fletcher have their own stash to deal with -
0:22:45 > 0:22:48a stinking stash of filthy hash.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52It is not like everybody thinks, chasing after people
0:22:52 > 0:22:55and, you know, kicking down doors.
0:22:55 > 0:23:01Once you get to a crime scene, sometimes you have to wait there.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Silly, silly boys.
0:23:03 > 0:23:08'We had a drugs bust where there was a couple of guys who were'
0:23:08 > 0:23:12dealers in cannabis, hashish.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14- Ganja.- Ganja.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17'They had bricks of it.' Is your head Britain's tallest man?
0:23:17 > 0:23:19'They were sent away in a car.'
0:23:19 > 0:23:22We had to wait with the hash, which they had tried to destroy
0:23:22 > 0:23:25when they knew the police were coming in. Fancy a suck on that?
0:23:25 > 0:23:27They'll no' be selling that, will they?
0:23:27 > 0:23:30We had to wait for Scenes of Crime to arrive
0:23:30 > 0:23:33- and the detectives to arrive.- Never seen anything like it. Hash bricks.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36They must have just set alight to them when we...
0:23:36 > 0:23:40- Do you think that's what causes it to go on fire?- I think so.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Have I ever taken drugs? Erm, no.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46HE COUGHS
0:23:48 > 0:23:49I think, possibly,
0:23:49 > 0:23:54the furthest I have gone is eating a big bag of Haribo.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02- Do you want to put the telly on? - Aye, is there a control?
0:24:02 > 0:24:03I don't know.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Oh, yeah, boy.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Phone a pizza.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16What do you want the pizza to say?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18I have absolutely never taken drugs in my entire life.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21I have turned down drugs many a time when I was young.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Can I speak to a pizza, please?!
0:24:25 > 0:24:28"What is it? I'm a big dough-face.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31"I'm covered in meat and cheese, I've no' got time to talk."
0:24:31 > 0:24:35It makes my skin crawl. I detest it. I think it is vile.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Hello, it's the police, Pizza. Could I have a pizza, please?
0:24:38 > 0:24:43I don't remember much about that instance.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47No, it is a bit hazy, that one.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51The only high these cops appreciate is the buzz of taking
0:24:51 > 0:24:54the dealers to the High Court.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Meanwhile, McKirdie and Singh do their community service
0:24:58 > 0:25:02as Bongo Buttons rides the cop car clown express.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Will you help me with my wig?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07- Wait and I'll try these wigs, right? - Aye, on you go.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Here is the baldy man one first, right?
0:25:10 > 0:25:12- What do you make of that one? - I like...
0:25:12 > 0:25:15- I mean, I do like that one. - I'm not sure.- That is a cracker.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18It is a wee bit scary, that. It's a wee bit scary.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21It is a bit demonic looking, do you know what I mean?
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Maybe scare the weans.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26- See, I like that.- That's better. It goes with your make-up.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28- It does, doesn't it?- You get...
0:25:28 > 0:25:31You know there is some folk that have got kind of
0:25:31 > 0:25:33a heavy fear of clowns?
0:25:33 > 0:25:35You have no' seen much.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Ever read Stephen King's It?
0:25:38 > 0:25:40- Oh!- That's it.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43- That will get you.- I bet if I just went like that... Boo!
0:25:43 > 0:25:44- No?- No.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48- I'll try that again. - No, it didn't do it.- Boo! Nope.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51As the officers help the man in the big shoes,
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson
0:25:53 > 0:25:58helps the bigwigs as he reports to a select committee of MSPs.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02- CAMERON ON VIDEO:- 'Stop and search figures that you're referring to,
0:26:02 > 0:26:04'yes, high.'
0:26:04 > 0:26:07I think I started quite well. 'Because...
0:26:07 > 0:26:09'we are stopping and searching a lot of people,
0:26:09 > 0:26:12'therefore the numbers are considerable.'
0:26:12 > 0:26:14That's a good point.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16'Really, in order to... Excuse me.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18'In order to know...'
0:26:18 > 0:26:21The number of times that hat's let me down.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23'I'm not saying you have got to search everybody...'
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Hitting my stride.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29'I wouldn't go that far. But even so, I will give you an example...'
0:26:29 > 0:26:31This is interesting, this bit.
0:26:31 > 0:26:36'I stop and searched an elderly lady with a zimmer frame.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38'It turned out she had two, erm,
0:26:38 > 0:26:42'giant cannabis cigarettes down the legs of her Zimmer, so...'
0:26:42 > 0:26:44True story, that.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46'You wouldn't have thought she was worth stopping and searching,'
0:26:46 > 0:26:48'turned out...' Exactly!
0:26:48 > 0:26:51'..that was a real bingo stop and search.'
0:26:51 > 0:26:54That's a good point. Why are they saying incompetent?
0:26:54 > 0:26:57On the BBC website it says "an incompetent performance".
0:26:57 > 0:27:00'Far be it from me to use the phrase under-funding...'
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Right, boys, under-funding.
0:27:02 > 0:27:07This is what this meeting's actually about now. Give us more money.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11MSPs... 'Sometimes they're not connected with each other.'
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Slightly worried in the middle it got away from me
0:27:16 > 0:27:20but I think by the end I'd turned it round there.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Just glad it's over for another year, though.
0:27:22 > 0:27:23Well, don't take it the wrong way
0:27:23 > 0:27:26- but I hope I don't see you again, know what I mean?- Exactly.
0:27:26 > 0:27:31- Good luck with the party. - Take it easy.- Take care.- Bye.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34He's a charming guy, you know what I mean?
0:27:34 > 0:27:38Right, where are we going for lunch? What do you fancy? Chinese?
0:27:38 > 0:27:40< Get out of here!
0:27:40 > 0:27:45- BLEEP!- Don't come back! You're no' allowed here.- I am allowed here.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49- Restraining order after you. Take your bag!- I need to see the boy.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52- You're ruining the party!- Excuse me, is everything all right here?
0:27:52 > 0:27:55- No, there's a restraining order against him.- Oh, come on!
0:27:55 > 0:27:58- He's here annoying us again. - Restraining order?
0:27:58 > 0:28:02- It's only a restraining order at MY house.- Come on.- No.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Right, enough.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Here.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Come on.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15- It's my boy's party! - You're embarrassing yourself.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17You're at it, Bongo.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Mind your head.
0:28:19 > 0:28:23This court jester will soon be feeling court justice.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27He's pushed the cops' buttons too many times.
0:28:27 > 0:28:32Send in the Scot Squad - it's bang-up time for Bongo.