0:00:02 > 0:00:04- Coming up...- Hey!- ..it's a rollover...
0:00:04 > 0:00:07- Get out!- I'm not going up. - You're getting out!
0:00:08 > 0:00:11..it's a knockout...
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Bobby? Bobby?
0:00:13 > 0:00:15SIREN BLARES
0:00:15 > 0:00:17..it's a blaze.
0:00:19 > 0:00:20Is that a barbecue?
0:00:20 > 0:00:22Fighting the good fight...
0:00:22 > 0:00:25- Oi!- You're under arrest! - ..sniffing out hoods,
0:00:25 > 0:00:29crooks and unacceptable activities.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33- Stop, it. Stop that. - This is Scot Squad!
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Scotland, home to over five million people -
0:00:49 > 0:00:53many of them prone to going radge, nuts or loco.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Go find my dog, will you?
0:00:55 > 0:00:59Calming the chaos when it all kicks off are the men and women of the
0:00:59 > 0:01:00Scottish police force.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07Coolest cucumber in the country is the ice man himself,
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Tell Tupac to stop filming!
0:01:11 > 0:01:14All clued up on what's most offensive.
0:01:14 > 0:01:19The Offensive Behaviour Act does cause us a lot of problems.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22It's very time-consuming, because it's the shifting sands
0:01:22 > 0:01:25of what is offensive and what is not,
0:01:25 > 0:01:27and who can you offend and who shouldn't you offend?
0:01:27 > 0:01:31And is it OK to offend anybody? I mean, I'm offended all the time.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33I mean, you just Google my name,
0:01:33 > 0:01:36right now on the internet, there you go.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39You've got Cameron Dickelson,
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Cameron Miekelson-of-a-bitch,
0:01:42 > 0:01:45- Chief Commissioner- BLEEP. - You know, am I offended?
0:01:45 > 0:01:47No, I just grow a pair.
0:01:47 > 0:01:52- I can take it. You can call me a baldy-heided pig- BLEEP- all day!
0:01:52 > 0:01:54You know? But the Offensive Behaviour Act
0:01:54 > 0:01:56is not designed to protect me.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59It's designed to protect those who do take offence,
0:01:59 > 0:02:01and that, unfortunately, can be anybody.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04And times change. I mean, "gypsy" for instance.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06That's a very interesting one. We used to use the word "gypsy"
0:02:06 > 0:02:09willy-nilly. Now, I can guarantee we will not use "gypsy"
0:02:09 > 0:02:13willy nor nilly. We even...I've stopped having Gypsy Creams.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16If someone's in for a meeting, they won't get a Gypsy Cream from me.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19In case offence is taken, and that...
0:02:19 > 0:02:21that's a perfect example, biscuits.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25There's a whole range you can no longer...you can no longer have.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27A Ginger Nut, you'd think,
0:02:27 > 0:02:29"No, that's offensive to many Scottish people."
0:02:29 > 0:02:30Chocolate Finger.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33You try giving the Chocolate Finger to the Women's Institute,
0:02:33 > 0:02:36see how far you get, that's all I'm saying.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38So, if you're having afternoon tea in my office,
0:02:38 > 0:02:40you'll get served a Custard Cream.
0:02:42 > 0:02:47The cream of Scottish volunteer policing is Ken Beattie,
0:02:47 > 0:02:49an unsung hero with a heart of gold,
0:02:49 > 0:02:53eager to be the public face that faces the public.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Oh, God, somebody's taken a shit in the phone box again.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Last night, I was very excited,
0:02:59 > 0:03:02because I got invited to the Parkhill Community Council
0:03:02 > 0:03:04committee meeting.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07I was there to represent the police,
0:03:08 > 0:03:10which was a great honour for me.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14- I'm Helen.- Helen?- I'm the chairman of the Parkhill Community Council.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15- Betty?- Yes.- I'm Ken Beattie.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19- Donald?- Yes.- Ken Beattie.- How do you do?- Pleasure to meet you, Donald.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22There was also cake...
0:03:22 > 0:03:24and coffee, which I was not expecting!
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Look at this, that's like a tuck shop!
0:03:26 > 0:03:28- How much for the...?- No, no, no, you help yourself.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32- We take good care of our guests here.- Oh, my word!
0:03:32 > 0:03:34That was a very good bonus.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38A less good bonus was the things they were asking me about.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39Floor's all yours, Ken.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Thank you. Can I ask you a question?
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Oh! Right away.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49Immigration.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53When are you going to stop all those immigrants coming into this country?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57There's no control. When are you going to control it?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00- Me...- Yes!- ..personally?
0:04:00 > 0:04:01Um, well...
0:04:02 > 0:04:07Unless they litter...I could do something about that.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10OK. Is that all the...? Oh.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- Stop and search.- Stop and search? - Stop and search.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17The kids that I take the football with,
0:04:17 > 0:04:19they, every day, coming up to me,
0:04:19 > 0:04:22"Stevie, Stevie, these coppers are always pulling us over.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- "They're always searching us." - You don't want stop and searches?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Aye. Ban them, completely.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29- Ban them.- Yep. - Ban stop and searches.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32OK, I don't think that will go down well,
0:04:32 > 0:04:35but I can see
0:04:35 > 0:04:37- what I can do.- Right, OK.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Can I just say, instead of stopping folk like that,
0:04:41 > 0:04:44you should be up in they fields there,
0:04:44 > 0:04:47where the 14- and 15-year-olds are lying drunk.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51So, more stop and searching at the fields,
0:04:51 > 0:04:54and less stop and searching down at the parks?
0:04:54 > 0:04:56OK. We're getting somewhere now.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59As Ken takes notes,
0:04:59 > 0:05:03Desk Sergeant Karen Ann Millar is tasked with recording whatever the
0:05:03 > 0:05:05public feel is important.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09And that means the paperwork never stops at her station.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- Ooh.- Karen, how are you doing?
0:05:12 > 0:05:14All right, Bobby, what can I do for you?
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- You all right?- Officer Karen,
0:05:16 > 0:05:20I've just found a bag of shanks in the middle of the road, right?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22In the middle of the road. I was wondering if you could help me.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24- Look.- I'm looking, I'm looking, Bobby.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27I just don't want to touch anything and get fingerprints on it.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- Where did this happen?- It happened in the middle of the road,
0:05:30 > 0:05:32- up at the city centre.- Right.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Oh, right. OK. Give me a couple of minutes. I just need to check
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- a couple of things, OK?- Just see when you're there, is it all right
0:05:39 > 0:05:41if I hide in the toilet, just in case he comes in?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43If you really want to, then go for your life.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56- You all right, Officer Karen?- Bobby?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Where exactly were you when you saw this guy?
0:06:00 > 0:06:03I was in the city centre, in the middle of the road.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Right. Were you up by the shops?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07- Yeah.- Right.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10What did the guy look like, that you took these off of?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13- Well, he had long hair...- Uh-huh.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17..he looked like Tarzan, he had his top off and he was wearing, like,
0:06:17 > 0:06:19- Aladdin shoes.- Right.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Was he holding them like this at all?
0:06:22 > 0:06:23- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25I think he was a maniac.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27I think what you've done there, I'll be honest,
0:06:27 > 0:06:31is, uh, I think you slightly mugged a juggler.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34- Really?- Wee bit, aye.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35But why is he juggling knives?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38That's bad. Therefore, I've done the right thing.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Yes and no.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45I think what you've inadvertently done
0:06:46 > 0:06:49is take that man's livelihood off him and bring it in to the police
0:06:49 > 0:06:51station. So, what I'm going to do is,
0:06:51 > 0:06:54I'm going to try and get in touch with the juggler
0:06:54 > 0:06:57and give him back his juggling knives.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Because I was thinking, you know, how you get 4½ years
0:06:59 > 0:07:02for carrying an offensive weapon.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- Yeah.- Well, there's about seven there, isn't there?
0:07:04 > 0:07:06So, what's that?
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- Uh...- 37½ years, the guy's going to get.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12Well...
0:07:13 > 0:07:18Probably not, on the basis that they're blunt and for juggling.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20Erm, and legal.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24But I appreciate you were trying to do the right thing.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27What I suggest is, is maybe if you just want to go home...
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Right, nae worries, Officer Karen. Thank you very much.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- That's the phone again.- You better get it...- I know, I need to get it.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35..Officer Karen, sorry! I'll talk to you later, right?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- I'll speak to you later. - Bye, Officer Karen.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39See you later, Bobby.
0:07:41 > 0:07:46As you can imagine, I get invited to any number of charity events,
0:07:46 > 0:07:48fundraisers, and, you know, I,
0:07:48 > 0:07:51to be honest, I tend to try not to go unless I have to.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53But, this one, I'm quite intrigued to go.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56It's the ¸Lothian Benevolent Fundraiser,
0:07:56 > 0:07:58and special guest, Ian Rankin.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01And, as you know, I do a little bit of writing myself
0:08:01 > 0:08:03in the crime genre.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06I thought it might be nice to bump into Ian,
0:08:06 > 0:08:08and see if I can maybe, uh,
0:08:09 > 0:08:12get a little bit of advice from him.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13Or give him some!
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Anyone drinking yet?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Not yet. I see.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Evening. Hi.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- Yeah.- This?- Yes.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30That's you. Cameron Miekelson.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33- Hi. Ian Rankin.- You're Ian Rankin, I know, I know.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35When I saw the name I thought, "It has to be".
0:08:35 > 0:08:39- I'm a big fan.- Oh, thank you.- I'm a very, very big fan.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43- Mm, nice wine, this. - Yeah, it's lovely.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Yeah. Um, look, I can't wait any longer.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Capital Of Blood. Mean anything to you?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51- Capital Of Blood?- Capital Of Blood.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54I knew you were going to be here. I know you've got it anyway, because I
0:08:54 > 0:08:58sent it to you, but just in case, I want you to take one away as well.
0:08:58 > 0:09:03Yeah. So, the main character, Michael Cameronson, you know?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05- Michael Cameronson.- Bit of a loner. Other cops hate him.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Women love him, though.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Drinks a bit.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Yeah, it's kind of been done.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Well, I don't think it's been done very well.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16- Uh-huh?- You know, between you and me.
0:09:16 > 0:09:21And I think...you know, I think that kind of maverick cop,
0:09:21 > 0:09:24there's always, there's always a place for a maverick cop.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27- In today's modern police force? - In today's modern police force, yes.
0:09:27 > 0:09:32And what there's never been is someone at the very top,
0:09:32 > 0:09:35a Chief Commissioner who's solving all the crimes.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Because, basically, everybody else is incompetent.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41I mean, you'll remember the plot. It's the impaler killer.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43- Yeah?- OK. Yeah. - The first murder, remember?
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Scott Monument, he's thrown up in the air and impaled on
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Scott Monument. He's impaled on - the second murder -
0:09:49 > 0:09:51impaled on the One o'clock Gun.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53I just can't visualise how you can impale someone
0:09:53 > 0:09:55on the One o'clock Gun. It's a cannon.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59OK, OK. This is valuable stuff, Ian.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Let me just get some of this down.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05So, you're saying that you can't be impaled on a cannon?
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- I wouldn't have thought so.- OK, when Michael Cameronson chases
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- the impaler killer.- That name is something you have to think about,
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- that name.- You think so? Michael Cameronson?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- What's wrong with Michael Cameronson?- What's your name again?
0:10:16 > 0:10:20- Well, Cameron Miekelson.- Yeah. - But you've got to have little broad hints about, you know.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22It's not autobiographical, but I've seen a lot of this kind of stuff.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25- More than broad. - You got to the end, didn't you?
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- Because he chases the killer down to Leith.- Yeah.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30On the boat, then he escapes through the porthole,
0:10:30 > 0:10:32chases up the Forth Road Bridge, where there's a fist...
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Pulls the balaclava off the killer.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37It's Svetlina, the gorgeous Russian double agent!
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Yeah. He escapes through a porthole?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41- Yes.- What is he, Hen Broon?
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Well, he's...
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- He's a...- A porthole's not a very big space.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46He's a thin...he's a thin...
0:10:46 > 0:10:52- It's a thin man? - He's a very thin, good-looking cop.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54So, Svet...of course they have a bit of sex,
0:10:54 > 0:10:56- but then she escapes to New York. - Uh-huh.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58You see where we're going with this now?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Sequels! Sequels?
0:11:00 > 0:11:01The Big Apple Of Blood.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06The crime writer learns from the crime-fighter.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Meanwhile, not all cars are fit for the road.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Traffic officers Singh and McKirdy
0:11:13 > 0:11:16are purposed with checking for vehicles not fit for purpose.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21You'd be surprised at how many cars you see that are unroadworthy.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22You'll see, uh,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24bumpers hanging off the side of cars,
0:11:24 > 0:11:26you've got doors hanging off the side of cars,
0:11:26 > 0:11:28smoke that comes out of cars.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Pull him over, man. Pull him over, hit the lights.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32SIREN BLARES
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Right, lads. Just head over to the pavement for me, please.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43- Some smell coming fae it, right enough.- Thank you.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44What have you got here?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46- Barbecue.- Barbecue?- Aye.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49With an open boot. How can you see out the windshield with that?
0:11:49 > 0:11:51- Where were yous boys? - We were at the park there.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Apparently a bunch of wee bams come down and started to noise them up.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57And they decided, well, instead of throwing the barbecue out,
0:11:57 > 0:12:01they decided to put the barbecue in the boot, and try and get it back up
0:12:01 > 0:12:02the road. Can you open that for me?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04- Aye.- Aye, let's see what you've got in there.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Just mind the rod, mind the rod, mind the rod!
0:12:07 > 0:12:08All right.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Whoa! What yous got there? Aye, there we go.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13I actually complimented them, because the links were
0:12:13 > 0:12:16actually good. I tried a wee link.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Aye, not too bad! I actually like them.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Burgers, tae. Yous not got any rolls, no?
0:12:21 > 0:12:22And I just kind of got tore in.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26I had a wee burger, I had a wee drink of juice.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29So, obviously, we advise against this kind of behaviour.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30- This is not safe, you know what I mean.- Aye.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33So, for proper reasons, you understand that, yeah?
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Folk could be driving by. They smell that lovely,
0:12:36 > 0:12:39crackling smell of sausages barbecuing away.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41You know, it's going to hook your beak and, "What's that?"
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Turn around and you see smoke, and you end up going into a lamppost
0:12:44 > 0:12:46or a cat. Might seem like a bright idea at the time,
0:12:46 > 0:12:49but we cannae have this. So, we're going to have to take the barbecue.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52If yous are not eating the rest of the burgers, I'll take them.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Here. This is the body-builder's there, right, he's watching.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58They don't have buns, so they kind of put their fillings in
0:12:58 > 0:13:00and they use it like that, see?
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Nae carbs.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05The barbecue was still hot,
0:13:05 > 0:13:09so we advised them to leave the barbecue at the side of the road,
0:13:09 > 0:13:10wait till it cooled down,
0:13:10 > 0:13:13and then come back and pick it up a little bit later on.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14But we didnae let it cool down,
0:13:14 > 0:13:17because we had a big bottle of orange juice.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19There we go.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Don't want the smoke coming in the street, you know?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Good thinking there, good thinking.
0:13:25 > 0:13:26See you later, boys! Bye.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29The burger boys are let off with a grilling.
0:13:29 > 0:13:35Justice is served well done, and this barbie's road trip is over.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38I had the taste of they burgers in my mouth all day.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Especially with the mustard. Because I'm not used to eating mustard.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43It must have been American mustard. I'm used to eating French mustard.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47Back at the council meet, Ken's keen to keep a tally
0:13:47 > 0:13:51of complaints, as the locals let off steam.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55So, we've got stop and search,
0:13:55 > 0:13:57we've got drunk people at the park,
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- and...- Immigrants.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Of course. How could I forget?
0:14:02 > 0:14:04And Ken, I'd like to know what you're going to do about
0:14:04 > 0:14:07- this global warning. - Do you mean warming or warning?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Aye, well, warming, you know what I'm talking about.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12- OK. I wasn't sure.- No, no.- I didn't know if that was two separate...
0:14:12 > 0:14:15I mean, you don't know whether to book a holiday in Spain for a month,
0:14:15 > 0:14:18or whether to book a holiday in Saltcoats!
0:14:18 > 0:14:20- OK.- And it's all to do with this global warning!
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- Ken...- Yes, Greta?- ..I'd just like to ask about the price of petrol.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24I mean, it's gone up and up and up.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28Diesel, petrol, up way over £1 now.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30- OK.- Can you tell me why that is?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Global warming?
0:14:34 > 0:14:37No, that's got nothing to do with the price of oil!
0:14:37 > 0:14:39It's the price of petrol.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40Anything else?
0:14:41 > 0:14:42Seagulls.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48OK!
0:14:48 > 0:14:50So, to be clear,
0:14:50 > 0:14:52there's three points of action.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Number one, I shall take your list of complaints
0:14:55 > 0:14:57to the Justice Secretary.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00When I find out who the Justice Secretary is.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04Number two, I shall increase management of resources
0:15:04 > 0:15:08to cope with immigration and increased Scottish birth rate.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12And number three, I shall put away the chairs and tidy the hall
0:15:12 > 0:15:17after the meeting...this evening. Is that everything?
0:15:23 > 0:15:28The Scottish police force is always ready and willing to respond
0:15:28 > 0:15:29to the public's needs.
0:15:29 > 0:15:34Maggie LeBeau engages effectively and efficiently.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38The person driving under the influence is...you?
0:15:38 > 0:15:42So, how exactly did you carpet burn your face?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45No, I don't think a helicopter will be able to spot your stripey
0:15:45 > 0:15:49flip-flops, but I'll put the details in.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Today, she's engaged...elsewhere.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54I'm not in the office.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56As you can see, I'm in the Police Museum.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58That's because I've started volunteering here,
0:15:58 > 0:16:01doing some shifts, showing the public around,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03teaching them about the history of the police.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06To start off with, we've got lots of uniforms.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Some older uniforms here.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10You may notice that we have swords.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Now, nowadays, the police don't have swords,
0:16:13 > 0:16:15unless they've taken them off somebody.
0:16:15 > 0:16:16But, then, they got a sword.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20So, people were more scared of the police, and with good reason.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23The medal we have here is a suffragette medal.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Wasn't actually given to a suffragette,
0:16:26 > 0:16:30it was given to the police officer who arrested the most suffragettes.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33In this room, we have all the uniforms.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Not just from the UK, but around the world.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37So, very exciting stuff.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39We've got the Russian ones.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42The only thing I would say is, I'm not sure if they've noticed,
0:16:42 > 0:16:46but the slogan there, if you look at it in a mirror,
0:16:46 > 0:16:49it could be an issue.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50All in all, you can see that
0:16:50 > 0:16:52there's some great uniforms around the world,
0:16:52 > 0:16:56but, personally, I do think we have the best one.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59We're the only one who gets to wear a hi-vis vest,
0:16:59 > 0:17:03and who doesn't love wearing a hi-vis vest?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Back at the auction, great minds talk crime.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09You've had a bit of success, son, OK?
0:17:09 > 0:17:11There's no need to get on your high... They're not that great,
0:17:11 > 0:17:14between you and me. OK, Rebus is all right.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17But riddled with procedural errors.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21- Like what?- Oh, dress, people wearing the wrong hat, the wrong shoes.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23You've got a killer running round Edinburgh
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- impaling people on cannons. - Yeah, all right, I'll change that!
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- He can stuff him inside, you know? - He cannae stuff him inside!
0:17:29 > 0:17:31- Yes, you can! - The aperture's about that size.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34He's a thin guy, the guy he kills has got anorexia.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36God, you find problems in everything.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- And your main character...- You know, in Exit Music, by the way.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Exit Music, page 75,
0:17:41 > 0:17:43the number 26 bus, OK,
0:17:43 > 0:17:48doesn't go down St John's Street after 11 o'clock on an evening.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50So, don't come, "Oh, I've done my research".
0:17:50 > 0:17:52- It's fiction.- God's sake, son!
0:17:52 > 0:17:55I mean, it's a charity do. You could be a bit more charitable.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57What about encouraging new writers, eh?
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Oh, no, jobs for the boys. Let's keep them out.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02We only want our books being sold at the airport.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05It's you and Mc...Val McDermid all the rest of them, you know.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07You don't let other people into the game.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Well, we do when the quality's there.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11Aw, listen, enough.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15'Ladies and gentlemen, we now come to tonight's auction.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18'Would you please put your hands together and welcome our host,
0:18:18 > 0:18:20'Mr Ian Rankin!'
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
0:18:22 > 0:18:23APPLAUSE
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Rebus is my favourite! And the other boy!
0:18:25 > 0:18:28And the other one. Really.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31APPLAUSE
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Look, drink was taken, put it that way.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41I did have a little bit of a spat with Ian Rankin, and some things
0:18:41 > 0:18:44were said that I regret, in retrospect.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47And then the blood was pumping because of that.
0:18:47 > 0:18:52I may have overbid for this item here, that's, uh,
0:18:52 > 0:18:56a-a-a signed Andy Murray shirt.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58But signed by Jamie Murray.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01I didn't know that at the time of bidding,
0:19:01 > 0:19:05so maybe £5,000 was maybe overstepping the mark.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07But, look.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09It's for charity.
0:19:09 > 0:19:10Besides, it's not my money.
0:19:13 > 0:19:18Experienced urban cops Jack McLaren and Sarah Fletcher
0:19:18 > 0:19:21have withstood most things the streets have to throw at them.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- You idiot!- What?- That's disgusting!
0:19:24 > 0:19:25Oh, don't be sick.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- But they've learned to expect... - Whoa!
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- ..the unexpected. - Sarah could have died!
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- I nearly spilled my tea.- Exactly!
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Yeah, sometimes you turn up to an incident, you don't get all the
0:19:36 > 0:19:38information, all the facts,
0:19:38 > 0:19:41and you're confronted with something that's quite, you know, surprising.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45We turned up to the park the other day, for
0:19:45 > 0:19:48a young man who'd breached his bail conditions.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50He had a tag on, shouldn't have been outside.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52We had the location, we went to find him,
0:19:52 > 0:19:55and he was, uh, we were confronted with something,
0:19:55 > 0:19:57you know, rather creative.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00What's happening there?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03- No, it can't be.- It's hard to tell, but I think it is, you know.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06We got in the park and we realised he was in a zorb,
0:20:06 > 0:20:08which is like the big hamster ball things.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10It's not fast. I mean...
0:20:10 > 0:20:12- Hey, hey!- Yep, stop!- Hey!
0:20:12 > 0:20:14OK, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
0:20:14 > 0:20:16- Yeah, that's it. Whoa. - What are you doing?
0:20:16 > 0:20:18What are you playing at?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20- Eh?- What's the problem?
0:20:20 > 0:20:22The problem is that you've broke your bail conditions.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25- You've got your tag on.- I haven't broken my bail conditions.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Let me see your tag.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28- Uh-huh.- Yeah, he does.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Well, it's beeped, hasn't it? You shouldnae be out at this time.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- I'm not out.- Well, you are out.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35- You are.- This is my house.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37I mean, you're out... technically you're outside.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40No, but this is part of my house. I blew it up in my garden.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42He said that was his house.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Which, technically, if that's correct,
0:20:44 > 0:20:46then he's not breached his bail conditions.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48But then, of course it's no use to us,
0:20:48 > 0:20:50because that'd be a stupid place to live.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Just stand still. Out.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- I'm not coming out.- Somebody's going to come in and get you.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56You can't come into my house.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Do we need a warrant, to...?
0:20:58 > 0:21:01The question was asked, would you need a warrant?
0:21:01 > 0:21:03But of course you don't need a warrant, because it's not a house.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06You could climb up a tree and say you need a warrant
0:21:06 > 0:21:07to climb up a tree, so, you quickly
0:21:07 > 0:21:09you know, use your policing skills.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Right, I'm coming in to get you.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16- You got him?- And I mean, it's quite warm in there.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18You wouldn't need, you know,
0:21:18 > 0:21:21an electric heater or anything like that.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22- Because it would melt.- Aye.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- Get out!- I'm not going out.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25You're getting out!
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Here, you! Out!
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- Enough of your nonsense, right? - Right.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36Wait, he's on the run! Quick!
0:21:36 > 0:21:40And then he made a run for it, which was daft.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42It wouldn't have been daft if I'd went in and you'd...
0:21:42 > 0:21:46because he'd have got away from you, but I caught him, like, nae bother.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47Probably would have caught him!
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Erm, can we have, uh, backup, yeah?!
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Well, I'm tailing him!
0:21:52 > 0:21:54So, then, that was it. Apprehended.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Good job!
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Yeah, I mean, he won't try that again.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Because we've burst his ball.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03You can roll but you can't hide.
0:22:05 > 0:22:10Sooner or later, the Scot Squad catch up with everyone.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13We definitely get people who phone, just because they feel a bit guilty,
0:22:13 > 0:22:16or they've got a dark secret that they want to share.
0:22:16 > 0:22:21And I understand, I mean, we all have dark secrets, we do.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23You know, mine would probably be,
0:22:23 > 0:22:25when I was 14,
0:22:25 > 0:22:28I did shoplift a Cliff Richard calendar.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31And I've regretted that ever since.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Scotland's backroads.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36For McIntosh and Mackay,
0:22:36 > 0:22:40when it comes to a routine stop, in this patch,
0:22:40 > 0:22:42there's no such word as "routine".
0:22:42 > 0:22:46- Do you know why we've stopped you? - No. I wasn't speeding, was I?
0:22:46 > 0:22:47You weren't speeding at all.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- Your speed was perfect.- Oh, Jesus! I thought not! OK.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- You've actually got a tail light out.- Have I?!- Yes.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56- If you just come there.- Catherine, I'm just writing you a little note
0:22:56 > 0:22:58to say that you've got 28 days to take the car into the garage
0:22:58 > 0:23:00- to get it fixed. - KNOCK
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Was that...sorry, was that from your...?
0:23:03 > 0:23:06- Have you got something in the boot? I heard...- No. Oh, I didn't hear anything.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09It's probably just the engine. It's probably just cooling down.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11- That's great. OK, thank you very much. - KNOCKING
0:23:11 > 0:23:13- There's something in here, is in there?- Yeah.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15- Uh, no.- You don't have an animal, or a...?- No.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18That's definitely not the sound of the car cooling down.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20I think maybe we should just have a look inside.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- Can we have a look inside your boot, please?- Is that really necessary?
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Well, it's a suspicious sound and we'd like to check it out.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Fair enough.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Oh, oh. Hang... Uh, can you just step back there a second?
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- Oh!- Charlie.- Jeez Louise. Oh, we've got...
0:23:32 > 0:23:35- Oh, are you OK? Are you OK? - No, he's fine.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- Can you hear me?- No, no. He's absolutely fine.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40- He's having a nice time!- Can you please explain what's going on?
0:23:40 > 0:23:42- Right, listen, do you want the truth?- Yes!
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Right, we met online, we have organised this,
0:23:44 > 0:23:46it's two consenting adults.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48And this is what he likes women to do to him.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50He calls me "mistress".
0:23:50 > 0:23:53You're trying to tell me this is a date right now?
0:23:53 > 0:23:54Well, it's not strictly a date,
0:23:54 > 0:23:57but I can guarantee he's absolutely 100% fine.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59We kind of need confirmation from him.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Could you please just step out the car?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Can you please come out?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Why are you...why are you looking at...?
0:24:05 > 0:24:07I'm just giving him an instruction. Just wait a minute.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Look, if you like to be dominated, I'll dominate you.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Get out the car right now!
0:24:13 > 0:24:14Now, we...
0:24:14 > 0:24:16we need to know that you're OK.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- You're OK?- Could we have the gag off him,
0:24:22 > 0:24:26- just to confirm in his own voice that he is OK?- OK.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27You can take the gag off, yes.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31- I can? I'll take the gag off.- Well, I'll give you permission to do it.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Are you OK?
0:24:36 > 0:24:37No, I'm good, I'm fine.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40OK, Catherine, I think it's best for you
0:24:40 > 0:24:41if you just get in the vehicle now.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45Erm, for yourself as well, please get in the front.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Sorry.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52I will get the tail-light fixed.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Yes, please. Drive safe.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Come on, Charlie. I'll explain it in the car.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06From one S&M to another S and M,
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Singh and McKirdy.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- Where is it you get your fruit and veg?- Fruit and veg?
0:25:11 > 0:25:13- Aye.- Mum usually gets it.- Oh, right.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Like I say, I used to go to Harry's.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21- What?- What?- Here, gies us a race! - No, no race.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- You want a race, mate?- Aye, a race, go on!- You want to race me?
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- Go on, race us!- You want to race me? Wee man? Hey? Aye.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29- Go on, then.- Are you ready for...? I'll race you.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- No, we're not racing.- I'll race you. - We're not racing.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Aye, race him. Give him a wee thrill, come on.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36- It's engaging with the young folk in the community.- He's a wee boy.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Hey! You ready? Get set, by the way. Hey, bite my dust, wee man!
0:25:39 > 0:25:43Soon as it goes to green, right? Right?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45- Argh!- Shite!- You fannies!
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Stalled, man! Oh, no!
0:25:47 > 0:25:49YOUNG MAN JEERS
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Aw, man.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Build relations with the community like that?
0:25:53 > 0:25:57Today's cop, always engaging, always approachable.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Officer Karen, how you doing?
0:25:59 > 0:26:00Bobby?
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Bobby?
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Bobby? Can you hear me?
0:26:06 > 0:26:07Bobby?
0:26:07 > 0:26:08Argh.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10You all right?
0:26:10 > 0:26:12- All right?- Mind your neck, mind your neck.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16- You OK?- Are you my guardian angel, Officer Karen?
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Uh, no, but I might potentially be your first aider.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21You got a first aid certificate as well?!
0:26:21 > 0:26:24- Yeah.- That's brilliant. - Are you sure you're OK?
0:26:24 > 0:26:27- Aye, I'm brilliant.- Right, you kind of banged your head a wee bit.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Mind your...! Mind! Mind your head there.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33How are you doing, Officer Karen?
0:26:33 > 0:26:37It's weird to see you the other side of desk.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40- Are you sure you're feeling OK? - I feel fresh.- OK.- I feel positive.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42- How many fingers?- Two.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43Who's the Prime Minister?
0:26:43 > 0:26:46I don't know anything about politics, Officer Karen.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48- Come on.- OK, what's your...
0:26:48 > 0:26:51What's your uncle's first name?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53- Uncle. - Are you sure you're feeling OK?
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Aye, I feel brilliant, Officer Karen.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59- ou don't have any pain in your neck?- Nae neck pain.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Everything looks kind of normal?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Everything's normal.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05Right, good to go, Officer Karen.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08I don't want to hang about all day and be annoying and all that.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11But, look, I'm going to go up the road, right?
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Um, OK, Bobby, you haven't actually told me what it was
0:27:14 > 0:27:17- you were rushing in for in the first place.- Eh...
0:27:17 > 0:27:20I think it was to tell you that I've got nae sense of smell
0:27:20 > 0:27:22since I've been five.
0:27:22 > 0:27:23- Right.- All right, Officer Karen.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26- Look, I'd better go. - See you later, Bobby.
0:27:26 > 0:27:27See you later.
0:27:29 > 0:27:34Well, yes, I have to face facts, I am a national public figure.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36And, consequently, my head is, you know,
0:27:36 > 0:27:38slightly further above the parapet than, on occasion,
0:27:38 > 0:27:39I'd like it to be!
0:27:39 > 0:27:42You probably recently read that my name was discovered
0:27:42 > 0:27:44on a list of terrorist targets.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47It's odd when you discover your name's on one of those.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Because, of course, you don't want your life to be upset
0:27:50 > 0:27:53to the extent you can't pop down to Lidl of an evening.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55But I would be lying if, you know,
0:27:55 > 0:27:59to say there wasn't a frisson of satisfaction
0:27:59 > 0:28:04to discover that I'm a bigger prize than big Gerry Butler!
0:28:04 > 0:28:08All-round Scottish hunk and action hero.
0:28:08 > 0:28:12My delight in that discovery was tempered slightly by the fact that I
0:28:12 > 0:28:15discovered I am lower than the Falkirk Wheel.
0:28:15 > 0:28:16I mean, you know.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20God forbid that the barge traffic of this great nation
0:28:20 > 0:28:22ever were to grind to a halt.