0:00:02 > 0:00:04Coming up:
0:00:04 > 0:00:06Restless natives...
0:00:06 > 0:00:09The crime has been committed by none other than Gerard Butler.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11..urgent replacements...
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Two minutes.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20..and emergency procedures.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# Staying alive Staying alive... #
0:00:23 > 0:00:28Punching in for another shift of sticking the head on crime...
0:00:28 > 0:00:29Drink responsibly now.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33..this is Scot Squad!
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Scotland. From Thurso to Traquair,
0:00:49 > 0:00:54it's a big beat for big boss chief commissioner Cameron Miekelson.
0:00:54 > 0:00:55"How do I do it?" People say.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Well, it's like a drift into a higher state.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01And the big man's big ears are big on tuning in
0:01:01 > 0:01:04to what the big picture is for the police.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Yes, there was recently a survey
0:01:08 > 0:01:13that showed that public confidence in the police force of Scotland
0:01:13 > 0:01:14was at an all-time low.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17But I'll tell you this - I don't trust that survey.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21That's what I've taken from that survey - not to trust it.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Because I believe firmly that, when people are questioned,
0:01:23 > 0:01:26they get flustered, they don't know what they're saying,
0:01:26 > 0:01:27they get a wee bit not sure.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30You see it all the time in Mastermind.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Frozen. He knew before he came on, but he's sitting there.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37We're all at home screaming, "Nabokov! Nabokov!" and he's...
0:01:37 > 0:01:38You know?
0:01:38 > 0:01:42I think that's what's happened in the survey,
0:01:42 > 0:01:46really, with the question. People have basically
0:01:46 > 0:01:50given the wrong answer, because they're flustered.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Super sharp city cops,
0:01:54 > 0:01:58Jack McLaren and Sarah Fletcher, are always switched on and ultra alert.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01We'll take you down to the station. You understand that?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03I don't want to believe that that cat was so unhappy
0:02:03 > 0:02:04that it took its own life.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06When a dummy in debt won't play ball,
0:02:06 > 0:02:09they'll see he opens up in the name of the law.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11We were called to a young gentleman's house
0:02:11 > 0:02:14who hadn't been paying his gas bill.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15Hope he's in.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18I hope he's not. I still love smashing doors doon.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21The gas board were looking to gain access into his house
0:02:21 > 0:02:23to put in one of those prepaid meters.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Get a bit of purchase and burst it.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31- We'll give him to the count of ten then we'll go.- Here we go. Hello.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33It's the police.
0:02:35 > 0:02:36What seems to be the matter?
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Well, we're...can you let us in?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- Yeah, just let us in. - What's this about?
0:02:42 > 0:02:46Well, erm, we've got the gas board here who are looking to fit
0:02:46 > 0:02:49a pre-paid meter into your house.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51You've not been paying your gas bill.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53I didn't phone you.
0:02:53 > 0:02:54I've got lots of gas.
0:02:54 > 0:02:59Thank you. It's in my cooker, my boiler.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Uh-huh, but you still have to pay for that gas.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Can we speak to the owner of the house, please?
0:03:04 > 0:03:07This is... I bought this house. Cash.
0:03:07 > 0:03:13Because he bought his house outright with cash,
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I think was the argument he was trying to make...
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- Mm-hm.- ..so the house came with gas.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20If you don't mind me saying, you look very young.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22How did you afford it?
0:03:22 > 0:03:27- How could you afford it? - I invented an app, Tinder for dogs.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Tinder for dugs?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Do they do the swiping?
0:03:32 > 0:03:33They lick.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Surely the benefit of being a dug is you can shag anything?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38To be honest, they all swipe right.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39Right.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42You say you've got no bills.
0:03:42 > 0:03:43That's strictly not true.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46You've got a lot of bills that you've not being paying.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Hence, this gentleman here is going to fit a pre-paid meter
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- into your house, OK? - How much is it for that box of gas?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54- No.- It's not a box of gas.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57That doesn't have gas in it.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59I'll take 12.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03I'll give you £195.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- Are you kidding me on? - No, I can't take that money.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Right, right, right.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09He can't take the money.
0:04:11 > 0:04:12He's not a gas salesman.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- OK?- I'm going to post this back.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18I'm going to go and check your neighbours.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20See if they want to buy boxes of gas. OK, Rain Man?
0:04:20 > 0:04:23I think it became very clear that we weren't going to get
0:04:23 > 0:04:26through to this fella. So then you have to think of other
0:04:26 > 0:04:28means of getting through, like maybe going in the back door.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Not a metaphor. That's like actually going to the back door of his house.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34How did you get in?
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Well, it was really difficult, I just opened the back door
0:04:37 > 0:04:39and I just had to pass your pug in a sarong.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42That's a bit weird, isn't it? Can I ask you to unlock that door?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44We're going to fit that meter, OK?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48OK, I'll do it. One step at a time.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Baby steps. Have you got a key?
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Oh. The door's been open the whole time, that's handy. Excellent.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57The door's been open the whole time.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59There we have it.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01Thank you, cheers, guys.
0:05:03 > 0:05:08I mean, it just proves that money can't buy you happiness
0:05:08 > 0:05:10or common sense.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12He certainly had more money than sense.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15But he's probably always had more money than sense, because,
0:05:15 > 0:05:18even if he had a quid, he'd still have more money than sense.
0:05:19 > 0:05:26Always seeing sense in the conflict against crime is desk sergeant Karen Ann Millar.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Her station's constantly set to battle stations,
0:05:29 > 0:05:32as Millar keeps watch from the front line.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Obviously, in the police station, sometimes it can be very busy,
0:05:36 > 0:05:38sometimes it can be very quiet.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42I often think it must be similar to the soldiers who fought
0:05:42 > 0:05:45so bravely in the First World War.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Long, long periods of inactivity,
0:05:47 > 0:05:51followed by short bursts of abject terror and loud noises.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Hello, sir, what can I do for you today?
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Well, firstly, you can confirm that this is indeed a police station
0:05:57 > 0:06:02- of the British state.- Yes, sir, I am perfectly happy to confirm that
0:06:02 > 0:06:05the signage outside is correct and that this is a police station,
0:06:05 > 0:06:08which is why we write Scottish Police Force all over it.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Yes, Scottish Police Force in name only.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13- Do you have identification? - There you go.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Good. Karen Ann Millar, get that down.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18A number as well, please.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- Quebec, one-one.- Quebec.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Has that got a Q?
0:06:23 > 0:06:25- Yeah.- Q-U...
0:06:25 > 0:06:28You might be easier just writing Q11, sir.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29Why didn't you say?
0:06:29 > 0:06:34Right, then, this taking place is now being recorded for not only the
0:06:34 > 0:06:39nation of Scotland but for the entire Scottish diaspora worldwide.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42We are the Commissariat Of The Vigour Of Alba,
0:06:42 > 0:06:44we would like to report a crime.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47The crime has been committed by none other than a so-called
0:06:47 > 0:06:50- Gerard Butler.- Could you provide me with some information
0:06:50 > 0:06:54- about the offences... - Oh, we have documentary evidence going back decades
0:06:54 > 0:06:58for his flagrant rejection of Scotland's culture,
0:06:58 > 0:07:02mainly in his accent, going back indeed to the year...
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Here we have the year 2000.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Dracula, 2000.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09- And how did you...? - "I do not drink coffee."
0:07:09 > 0:07:10OK, can I just check...?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Look at a fine actor like Sean Connery,
0:07:13 > 0:07:17a man who, no matter what part he is playing,
0:07:17 > 0:07:20be it Russian, Irish, American, whatsoever,
0:07:20 > 0:07:23will still have the pride to use his Scottish accent.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26But here we have Phantom Of The Opera, The Ugly Truth.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29A complete rejection of his cultural roots,
0:07:29 > 0:07:32which are enshrined to the people of Scotland
0:07:32 > 0:07:34under the act of union of 1707.
0:07:34 > 0:07:39- Um...- An act, we believe, should be repealed forthwith immediately.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41It's not just Gerard Butler.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45- OK...- I have a list here of cultural traitors,
0:07:45 > 0:07:46cultural traitors to our nation.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48- Yes, sir.- Taking this down? - I am, sir.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52- Rod Stewart.- I'm fairly sure Rod Stewart's English, sir.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Well, he pretends to be Scottish.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56John Barrowman.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57Yes, sir.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59- Lulu.- OK.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00Now, here is one.
0:08:00 > 0:08:05A perpetrator of what at the time was seen as gentle comedy
0:08:05 > 0:08:08in the 1980s, but now in this day and age would be seen
0:08:08 > 0:08:10quite rightly so as a hate crime.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11- Russ Abbot.- Yes.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Russ Abbot.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16- Okey-dokey.- Can immediate representations be taken
0:08:16 > 0:08:21to immediately extradite Russ Abbot to face the people of Scotland?
0:08:22 > 0:08:25An increasing problem we're facing at the moment is offensive
0:08:25 > 0:08:27number plates. You know, when someone gets
0:08:27 > 0:08:30a personalised number plate and it has a rude word in it
0:08:30 > 0:08:32or something, they think it's funny.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33Well, some of them are funny.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36We had one the other day which was F-0-C-K-I-1-T.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38"FOCK IT". Now, OK, fine.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41You and I would have a bit of a giggle about that.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43But say you're an old lady, you're coming out the church,
0:08:43 > 0:08:46you're going to pick up your messages, you see FOCK IT running,
0:08:46 > 0:08:48you could take a heart attack!
0:08:48 > 0:08:52So we have to clamp down. We've said, no, that is illegal.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55We had B-1-6-MUFF.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57BIG MUFF. Again, look...
0:08:57 > 0:09:00if you want to have big muff in your room, that's absolutely fine.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03But don't you be taking big muff out on the highways and byways
0:09:03 > 0:09:05of this great nation.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07We've got to put a stop to it.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Now, the problem we have is, down in England,
0:09:10 > 0:09:13where a lot of the cars are licensed, some of the names,
0:09:13 > 0:09:16some of the words are not offensive down there.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19But in Scottish slang, they are offensive.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21D-O-6-B-E-R.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23DOBBER.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Down there, that just means to dob, nothing.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Here, it means... Well, you know what it means.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29You don't need me to tell you.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31You know, FUD. FUD-1.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34You know, I have to let it go.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37I can't touch it. When it comes to FUD, my hands are tied.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43Traffic officer Surjit Singh has definitely got his partner's back.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47- I've lost weight, haven't I? - Aye, you're looking good.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Even when PC Hugh McKirdy isn't feeling 100%,
0:09:51 > 0:09:55the partnership are still policing at 110%.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00I'm going to be honest with you, mate, I am rough as a badger's.
0:10:00 > 0:10:01Aye, you don't look the best.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Tell you, I've not even had a shower.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06I've not washed my teeth.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08I've not even got pants on.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10- What?- I've not got pants on.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15- Mate, this is too much information. - Honestly, I couldn't wear them.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- They were stinking.- Number one - that's too much information.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Number two - that is disgusting.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22I'm going to have to get you to stop in so I can get a pair of pants.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24- Be as quick as you can. - I will, I will.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Tidy.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Grey, blue, light blue.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43I don't need to see them, it's fine, thanks.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- You're not putting them on here. - I need to!- No, you can't.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49What was the point of buying them if I can't put them on?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51You can wait until we at least stop.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52Come on, man, don't do this.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Jesus. Oh!
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Mate, hurry up, please.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03It's actually quite good sitting like this, actually.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Don't. Come on, get changed, hurry up.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- Hurry up.- I wouldn't like to see the mark I'm leaving on this chair.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12You are cleaning this car.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17At least that's something, at least you're covered up now.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18Oh, man!
0:11:18 > 0:11:20- What happened?- Sweating bullets.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Forget the bullets, put the gun away, come on.
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Let's go, hurry up.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30- Two minutes.- Two minutes?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32- You've got one minute.- Oh, no!
0:11:33 > 0:11:35- Here we go.- They're on, jeez.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37That's the boys.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- That's the boys!- Never again.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40- Snug.- Never again.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Everything's compact. All in the one place.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44I'm happy.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Need a wee cup of tea now.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50While McKirdy covers up,
0:11:50 > 0:11:54the Vigour Of Alba continue to expose the injustices and insults
0:11:54 > 0:11:57they feel have been done to the Scotch nation.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Furthermore, can I take you to the behaviour
0:12:00 > 0:12:03of the so-called representations of the people of Britain?
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Iain Duncan Smith and Michael Gove being foremost
0:12:07 > 0:12:12amongst the Scots quislings in this whole debacle,
0:12:12 > 0:12:16for taking the people of Scotland away from their rightful place
0:12:16 > 0:12:18in the continent of Europe.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22- Can I just check...?- While I'm on the people who have taken Scotland
0:12:22 > 0:12:23out of Europe against their will,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26can I also mention the behaviour of Bertie Vokes?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28- Yeah.- George Burley.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30- Mm-hm.- Craig Levein.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33What the hell was he thinking about going to Prague
0:12:33 > 0:12:35and playing without a striker?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38That was never going to end the right way, was it?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Can I just check what your position on...
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- Boys, boys...- ..Doctor Who, David Tennant?
0:12:43 > 0:12:47Boys, who's driving a blue-and-white Skoda with Vote Yes?
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Yes, yes.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Somebody's breaking into your boot and trying to jump-start it.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53I'm telling you, somebody's breaking into your boot, boys.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Bloody toe-rags! Come on!
0:12:57 > 0:12:59You, you little shit!
0:13:02 > 0:13:04There was nobody breaking into the boot.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07I was just walking past the police station and I seen that they were
0:13:07 > 0:13:11annoying you. I thought I would jump in, gie Officer Karen some hauners.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Thank you, Bobby. I genuinely really appreciate it.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16- See you later, Officer Karen, bye. - See you later, Bobby.
0:13:19 > 0:13:24So I have a lunch today with an old boss of mine, Sir Neville Archibald.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28There's a press conference tomorrow.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31He's returning some ceremonial drum or something.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34We're going to have a little bit of lunch, reminisce, reminisce.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36I'll be back in the office by 2.30.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I could live without it, but you know, I've got to do it.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43- So, there you are, DC Mikey Miekelson!- Ah, Neville!
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Don't get up, don't get up, don't get up.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47- I don't mind getting up! - I prefer it if you don't
0:13:47 > 0:13:49cos there was always that six inches between us.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51We could get you a high chair if you want?
0:13:51 > 0:13:53THEY CHUCKLE
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Good afternoon, gentlemen, would you like some drinks?
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Oh, yeah, drinks certainly to start with.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- Not for me because... - Oh, certainly. No, sorry.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Neville, I have to get back to the office.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Two martini, two dry martinis, thank you very much.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- Oh, one.- Are you still supported by the lovely Babs?
0:14:06 > 0:14:09I'm afraid no.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Babs and I, we went our separate ways.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14- What about you and...?- Betty?
0:14:14 > 0:14:16- Betty.- Betty, never better.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Golfing, very fond of it. It's something we share
0:14:19 > 0:14:22down at Puerto Bonito.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24And how many months of the year are you in Spain now?
0:14:24 > 0:14:27I would say... We're talking 50%, 50%.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30You'll be living next door to all the criminals you failed to catch,
0:14:30 > 0:14:32- of course.- Of course!
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Can I get you something from the wine list?
0:14:35 > 0:14:38- Certainly.- Well, I...
0:14:38 > 0:14:42- I would say...- Let's go to the bottom of the list.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- Keep up top.- There's a nice wee Chateau Margaux there.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Two bottles. Red, white.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- It's a wee bit... - No, no, this is a special occasion.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52- This drum does not return... - We don't need two bottles of wine!
0:14:52 > 0:14:55This drum does not return to the city every year.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57We're here to give that a send-off.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00The chiefs take the time to go through the key essential details
0:15:00 > 0:15:03diligently and painstakingly.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06We'll just have another one of these. Thank you, darling,
0:15:06 > 0:15:08- thank you very much. - Don't, no, no.- Neville!
0:15:08 > 0:15:10We've plenty of time, we've plenty of time.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13It's a lunch break, for goodness' sake, Cameron.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I thought we'd finished this one.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18I have...
0:15:19 > 0:15:20..got the office to get to.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23So have we...have we had our dinner?
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Have we had our lunch?
0:15:26 > 0:15:31Also asking all the right questions is Maggie LeBeau.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Police emergency, how can I be of assistance?
0:15:35 > 0:15:38So, how many fingers did you have this morning?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40OK, he was a human statue.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42An easy mistake to make.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46And it's not just the public who value her hard graft.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51I have been made a team leader, as you can see here,
0:15:51 > 0:15:53which I'm so excited about.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55- How are you managing today? - Not too bad, thanks.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57- Good.- Busy. - Your call list is excellent.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01Basically, I need to encourage excellence in the workplace
0:16:01 > 0:16:04and foster a really strong team dynamic.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09I've always seen myself as my own employee
0:16:09 > 0:16:13and I've done a great job of team leading myself
0:16:13 > 0:16:16and, really, what's the difference between team leading one person
0:16:16 > 0:16:18and five people?
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Apart from the number.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Good job, good work, good stuff.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26Discipline is something that I have to think about,
0:16:26 > 0:16:29because I am responsible for the team and for team discipline.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33That's hard. It can be hard to lay down the law with people
0:16:33 > 0:16:36that you really like and that you get on with, but it's something,
0:16:36 > 0:16:38as a team leader, that I need to do.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Rosie, I think you're doing great work,
0:16:41 > 0:16:44but your desk is just a little bit messy,
0:16:44 > 0:16:47so could you just give it a tidy up, please?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49But I just... I've got some stuff to do.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Rosie, could you tidy the desk now?
0:16:51 > 0:16:55But I'm just... I've got stuff, and I need it to do this and I'll...
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Rosie, look at the badge - team leader.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02The team leader is telling you to tidy your desk.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06So you do it now, or you're sacked.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09OK, Mags, I'll do it in a wee bit. I'm just going to finish this...
0:17:09 > 0:17:13Well, everybody, say goodbye to Rosie, because she is sacked.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14You're fired.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18It does turn out that I can't sack people.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20It's not actually in my remit.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24So, things in the office are a little bit awkward,
0:17:24 > 0:17:26but I'm sure we'll get past it.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Yeah.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35In the partnership between public and police,
0:17:35 > 0:17:38it's a public duty to report crime,
0:17:38 > 0:17:43but to Scotland's shame, it's a duty Joe Public has been neglecting.
0:17:43 > 0:17:48It's up to volunteer officer Ken Beatie to spread his wings...
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Police! Argh! This is a bust!
0:17:51 > 0:17:54..and spread the word.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Recent police studies have shown that the public
0:17:57 > 0:17:58aren't reporting crimes at night.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01They're waiting till the morning to do so.
0:18:01 > 0:18:02Obviously, this is wrong.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05The public need to respond to crimes at night.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06That's vital.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09So, Scottish Police Force have come up with a campaign
0:18:09 > 0:18:14to help drill this home. And that campaign is a mascot.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20It's me! Ken Beatie.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22Let's do this.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26- I'm the night owl.- Night owl? - Night owl.- All right, great.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28HE IMITATES AN OWL
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Night owl!
0:18:30 > 0:18:32I can see everything.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34At night, phone that.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36- Thank you.- You're very welcome.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Thank you.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Thank you. I wish they'd gave me a seat or something.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44I'm getting very itchy.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49I've got a... My back's itching me.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Would you like a flyer?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- Yeah.- Give the cops a call or two!
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- Can somebody help? - Somebody help!- Oh, my!
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Man down!
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Owl on the move!
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Quickly, the cop skills kick in.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06I'm a trained professional, I have first aid training!
0:19:06 > 0:19:08And a kitchen hygiene certificate as well, so you're in safe hands.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Are you OK, sir? Are you breathing?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- Are you breathing? OK. - You OK?- Oh, God!
0:19:13 > 0:19:16# Huh, huh, huh, huh! Staying alive! Staying alive! #
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Beatie acts with the rhythm of a Bee Gee.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21# You can tell by the way I use my walk
0:19:21 > 0:19:23# I'm a woman's man No time to talk. #
0:19:23 > 0:19:25OK.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29No major incident on THIS owl's watch.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30OK. Sorry.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32You're OK, aren't you?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34'Thankfully, the man is alive.'
0:19:35 > 0:19:37There we go, OK.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40That's you. Watch my fingers.
0:19:40 > 0:19:45Ken Beatie - volunteer officer, life saver, hero, owl.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Madam, there you go.
0:19:50 > 0:19:55Back at the top chief tete-a-tete, Miekelson needs air and backup.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Jean? You've got to get me out of this.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Just... I don't know. I don't know where I am.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05You booked it!
0:20:05 > 0:20:07All right. OK, OK, I'll deal with him.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10But you just get me a cab, half an hour.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13My grandfather was the world champion pipe drummer, 1926/1927
0:20:13 > 0:20:19and we give this award every year in Angus...
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- Right.- We award the award to boy drummers, under-14.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23That's the...
0:20:23 > 0:20:28So, in a way, in our case with the drum returning here,
0:20:28 > 0:20:30I'm honoured to have it.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32It represents continuity, it represents...
0:20:34 > 0:20:36..law. But it's also a dust gatherer.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40And I'm under sentence of death, quite frankly, from Betty.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Oh, Betty! Betty!
0:20:43 > 0:20:45She wouldn't not want it, would she?
0:20:45 > 0:20:48You don't want to be on the wrong side of Betty!
0:20:48 > 0:20:49Certainly not.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51I remember some of those days.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54So, I was at The Ivy the other day with Betty.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57We love that spot. We particularly like, even more so...
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Thank you very much, dear, thank you.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Shh. The bill.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04- Yes, no problem.- The bill.
0:21:04 > 0:21:09And two whiskies, please, two Lagavulin, large, thank you.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11- Thank you.- Could you...?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Could you order me a taxi?
0:21:14 > 0:21:17No, no. We're not finished yet.
0:21:17 > 0:21:22Neville, Neville, Neville, Neville,
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Neville, I've got a job, man.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27- I work.- Yes, of course. You'll go back in time for the evening news.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30- I work for a living. - You'll be back in plenty of time.
0:21:30 > 0:21:35Let's have a wee butchers at this, here. Oh, yes, oh, yes.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38I'm glad I'm not having to handle that.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39All the best to you.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41- Lovely.- That's a seven!
0:21:41 > 0:21:43That's something.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45- It's a seven?- And another seven.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48It's the continental seven with the wee flash through it.
0:21:48 > 0:21:49They've started doing that.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Right, well, good.
0:21:52 > 0:21:53So you look after that.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55I'll slip that one through.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57All the very best. Have your whisky before you go.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Hundred on that, 250 on that.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Don't pay cash, cos it's not traceable.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04That one...
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Mmm. Lovely.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11Top rural cop twosome,
0:22:11 > 0:22:16Charlie McIntosh and Jane Mackay, are always on song.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19# Luck let a gentleman see
0:22:19 > 0:22:23# Just what a dame you can be... #
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Working together in perfect harmony,
0:22:25 > 0:22:29they know their turf.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Yeah, well, a lot of people imagine that countryside policing
0:22:32 > 0:22:37is very slow paced. They think that we just take nice pretty drives
0:22:37 > 0:22:41through the countryside, drinking tea and petting sheep.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45But sometimes, Charlie and I have to get physical.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48We found ourselves in pursuit of two men who were just involved
0:22:48 > 0:22:50in a bakery robbery in the local village.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54They took off over an open field and we took chase.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57One man took off and we had him in our sights, so we pursued him.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59The other shook us off fairly early.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01We didn't know where he'd ended up.
0:23:01 > 0:23:02Stop right there!
0:23:02 > 0:23:05'We got ourselves caught in a bit of cat and mouse.'
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Stop!
0:23:07 > 0:23:09'Every time he tired, we tired.'
0:23:09 > 0:23:10PANTING
0:23:10 > 0:23:12- OK.- Come on, Charlie.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17And then he would set off again and we'd set off,
0:23:17 > 0:23:19but then, we'd see that we were tiring,
0:23:19 > 0:23:21so he would take a rest and it went on and on.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23PANTING
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Stay where you are!
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- That's it.- I'll get him!
0:23:29 > 0:23:31'He'd run, but he couldn't hide.'
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Literally, there was nowhere for him to hide.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Stay right there!
0:23:35 > 0:23:37There's no place to go.
0:23:37 > 0:23:41Eventually, though, we ran him into a corner and he had to give in.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43He couldn't go on any longer.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45That's it. Stay right there!
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Phew!
0:23:47 > 0:23:50You thought you could outrun us?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Oh, it's easy to us.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55We could do this...all day.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58And then, just when we thought we had the man...
0:23:58 > 0:23:59Charlie!
0:23:59 > 0:24:02His accomplice jumped out of a nearby bush, and he took off.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- Charlie, get him!- Of course, I had to set off after him as well.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Come on! Stop!
0:24:08 > 0:24:10No problem whatsoever.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13I had the endurance and stamina of a bull.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17People often talk about the long arm of the law,
0:24:17 > 0:24:20but they fail to mention the long legs of the law as well.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Once these legs wrap themselves around you, you're going down.
0:24:27 > 0:24:32And down the station, Sergeant Millar's meeting a new Bobby.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Hello, hello, hello, Officer Karen.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- How are you?- You haven't joined the police, have you?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Started yesterday, this is my first day.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Kidding on, Officer Karen.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48Imagine if I did but. Me and you would be oot doing the beat.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51One day, you buy the rolls, then, the next day, I buy the rolls.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Sorry, I... Where did you get this?
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Well, you know how I go to the car-boot sale every Sunday?
0:24:58 > 0:25:02There was this guy at the stall and he was just selling reduced stuff.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Do you mind if I take a wee peak at your hat or your jacket, there?
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Aye, nae bother. Let me have a wee look.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- Yeah, that's kind of what I thought, Bobby.- What?
0:25:13 > 0:25:17What you've got is a genuine police uniform and that's a crime.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21It's a crime for you to be wearing a police uniform when you're not
0:25:21 > 0:25:25a police officer. It's called impersonating a police officer.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28So, should I arrest myself?
0:25:29 > 0:25:32No, but technically, I should arrest you.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Yeah, Bobby, I'm deadly serious.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37You can't be wandering around dressed in that.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40You have to understand, it's a very serious offence.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44I'm going to have to ask you to not wear it any more, Bobby,
0:25:44 > 0:25:46because, if I allow you back out here right now,
0:25:46 > 0:25:49one of my colleagues could arrest you right outside the front door.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51- OK.- Or, technically,
0:25:51 > 0:25:53I could just walk out and huckle you straight back in.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- OK.- Do you know what I'm saying? - Take my clothes off, then?
0:25:58 > 0:25:59Basically.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06I think, unfortunately, the answer to that is probably um...
0:26:06 > 0:26:08is probably yes.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09OK.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12You ever see that film Full Monty?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15There you go. Right.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Give you the hat.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22There you go.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24The glasses, they're my glasses.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Right, you hang onto them, then.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30I've got my Star Wars boxers, I didn't buy them at the jumble sale,
0:26:30 > 0:26:32these are my Star Wars boxers.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36I feel like Darth Vader's just kind of staring at me.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Well, you should see Obi-Wan.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40No, no, I really... I'm good, I'm good.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43I'm just going to go and get you a paper suit.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45- If you want to just put that on, Bobby.- OK.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48What's this? Is that the DNA suit?
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Yeah, it's just one of our wee crime scene suits.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55I'd wear this for pyjamas in my bed.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58It would probably be quite comfortable as pyjamas, actually.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Right, I'll see you later, right?
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Gie that to one of your colleagues or something, right?
0:27:03 > 0:27:06- Will do. - That's like basically recycling, no?
0:27:06 > 0:27:10- See you later, Officer Karen. - See you later, Bobby.
0:27:11 > 0:27:12Thanks, Jane.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18I've no idea where we ended up.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26When are the press boys here?
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Already here? Oh.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Does that mean that Neville's...?
0:27:32 > 0:27:37DRUMMING
0:27:42 > 0:27:47In the spirit that it is a greater honour in many ways to give
0:27:47 > 0:27:50than to receive, I would like to return it today to Chief Miekelson
0:27:50 > 0:27:53as a symbol of justice.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57Beating out steadily throughout the years
0:27:57 > 0:28:00in an ever-changing world, always there.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Thank you.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06Generations of chiefs banging the drum for Scotland.
0:28:06 > 0:28:11People come and go, but the beat never changes -
0:28:11 > 0:28:15the loud, proud sound of the Scot squad.