0:00:00 > 0:00:01The graphics are very, very good.
0:00:03 > 0:00:05Coming up - testing the testers...
0:00:05 > 0:00:07Blow as hard as you can.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10..gaming the gamers...
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Wheesht! Just get out of the BLEEP way.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15..and pushing out the pushers.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17I have just witnessed a drug deal.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20When criminality runs wild,
0:00:20 > 0:00:25it's time to lay down the law of the jungle.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27You've taken a sheep hostage.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29This is Scot Squad.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44When policing a mass area the size of Scotland,
0:00:44 > 0:00:47a crucial consideration is manpower.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50And the man with all the power
0:00:50 > 0:00:53is Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson...
0:00:54 > 0:00:57If that means that I'm very well dressed and a supporter
0:00:57 > 0:01:00of the monarchy, then, yes, I'm happy to be called cavalier.
0:01:00 > 0:01:05..the marshal with the brainpower to marshal that manpower.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06Staffing levels is a concern.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09I'm particularly worried about the riot police.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11You'll all have seen it.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13A wall of police linked together,
0:01:13 > 0:01:17forming an impenetrable wall against...against the rioters.
0:01:17 > 0:01:22But...but cutbacks have meant that gaps are appearing
0:01:22 > 0:01:25in that impenetrable line. So, what do we do about it?
0:01:25 > 0:01:30Well, we're looking into an inflatable riot gear suit.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34So you're...you're there, and then as the riot kicks off...
0:01:34 > 0:01:38up you go. About maybe the width of the three, we think, maximum,
0:01:38 > 0:01:41maybe four policeman. All the way.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45And then that's how you fill the gaps all the way along the line.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49Now, obviously, your Molotov cocktail bounces off, straight back.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53If they do get you, you bounce back up like that.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56My only concern is...
0:01:57 > 0:02:00..if any rioters have a pin.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03To properly serve the public,
0:02:03 > 0:02:06officers like Desk Sergeant Karen Ann Miller
0:02:06 > 0:02:09have to run an open door policy.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13Bobby! You can't really... You can't bring that in here.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Bobby. The thing is...
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Complete accessibility...
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Bobby, please take it away before I arrest you for stealing it.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24..no matter who or what comes in that door.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27All right, Officer Karen? What can I do for you?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Right, see, the thing is, see my next-door neighbour?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31He's been hovering about in a van,
0:02:31 > 0:02:34and I've seen him put a couch in the back of the van, and he's dodgy.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37He looks dead sneaky, and I was wondering, do you know what?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40I'm going to come down and say that to Officer Karen.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Bobby, I would expect that that's just someone moving a couch.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47Maybe getting rid of an old couch, or buying a new one.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Do you know the best thing you could do, actually, Bobby?
0:02:50 > 0:02:54See if you see anything like that? Dial 101, and let them know,
0:02:54 > 0:02:56and then they can investigate it in due course.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Cos I feel bad for you, because I know you're public spirited,
0:02:59 > 0:03:01and then you're coming... You're coming all the way down here
0:03:01 > 0:03:04every day almost. OK.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05So you dial 101.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07101. OK, 101? 101.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09101.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13So that's 101, and then it comes through to the station phone,
0:03:13 > 0:03:16and then it goes on to Officer Karen, and I'll deal with you,
0:03:16 > 0:03:19and then you try and put me through to an officer, or something?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21101 will put you through to a better officer, Bobby.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23101? Just 101.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26999101?
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Just 101. Right, I'll tell you what, right?
0:03:28 > 0:03:31I'll go home, and I'll see if the guy is driving about in the van,
0:03:31 > 0:03:34or if he's looking weird or anything, right?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37OK. I'll take notes, come back down, you'll let me use the station phone,
0:03:37 > 0:03:40right? 101. Do you know the best place to phone 101 from,
0:03:40 > 0:03:42is from your house, Bobby. My phone's dead old.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45It's like one of those ones that are, like...K-K-K-K-K.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48You know that one? Yeah. It's like from the '70s, or something.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50K-K-K-K-K. Yeah. It's dead dusty.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52I mean, obviously, it disnae K-K-K-K-K,
0:03:52 > 0:03:54It's like more...ssshhhh.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Sssshhhh.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59That's it going back. Yeah.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02See if you head up the road
0:04:02 > 0:04:04and you go and use Uncle Geoffrey's mobile,
0:04:04 > 0:04:06and you can dial 101 from his phone.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09OK. Right, all right, Officer Karen.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12I'll go, I'll get Uncle Geoffrey's mobile phone.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Right?
0:04:13 > 0:04:16I'll bring it down to the station.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18You tell me to dial 101...999.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21No, just 101. Right, 101.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22From your house. Right.
0:04:22 > 0:04:240141 1...
0:04:24 > 0:04:26No, just 101.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Three digits. Like that.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30One, two, three. Right, I'll just...
0:04:30 > 0:04:33See because you're good at all that? I'll just gie you the phone,
0:04:33 > 0:04:35and you phone it, and then you can hand it to us.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Maybe Uncle Geoffrey could dial it for you, eh? 101. 101.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Officer Karen. See you later. See you later.
0:04:43 > 0:04:49Scotland's highways can be a sizzling hotbed of hot-headed anger.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Traffic officers Surjit Singh and Hugh McKirdy
0:04:52 > 0:04:53are cool enough to keep chilled...
0:04:53 > 0:04:55HE LAUGHS
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Nae bother!
0:04:57 > 0:05:00..even when faced with the fieriest of furies.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03So we were driving along the road,
0:05:03 > 0:05:05taking due care, as I always do,
0:05:05 > 0:05:07'and a cyclist pulled up beside us,
0:05:07 > 0:05:10'started knocking on the window, shouting and screaming.'
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Whoa, whoa, whoa.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13You just cut me up there.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Who cut you up? You.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16Did I?
0:05:16 > 0:05:19I'm phoning the police on yous, I'm telling you.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21That's not right. We are the polis, hen.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Well, you should know bloody better, then, shouldn't you?
0:05:23 > 0:05:26We asked the lady to go onto the pavement. We parked up.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Pretty sure I didn't cut you up.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31You did, I was there. You nearly knocked me off my bike.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34I got the fright of my life. Three times this week that's happened.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37What are you laughing at? I was just... No, come on, tell me.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Well, for a start, I don't think he's cut you up. Thank you.
0:05:40 > 0:05:41Listen, you wouldn't understand,
0:05:41 > 0:05:44you've clearly never been on a bike. Hey, don't question
0:05:44 > 0:05:46my fitness regime, you don't know what it is, right?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Well, tell me, I'm dying to know. I've lost weight, haven't I?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Aye, you're looking good. The point is, you cut me off my bike.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54I'm his witness, I was in the passenger seat.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56He did not cut you up. He nearly went up on the pavement.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Who are you actually looking at?
0:06:00 > 0:06:01What? You.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Right, see that sign over there? Read that sign.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Denmark. No, it does not say that at all.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09D-D-D...
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Decaffeinated. When was the last time you were at the optician's?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Have you been prescribed glasses before?
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Aye. And why are you not wearing them?
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Cos they didn't go with my outfit.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22What's that? What kind of excuse is that? It seems like you've got
0:06:22 > 0:06:25some seeing problems. You've got driving problems.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28What are you accusing him of here? Of being drunk and disorderly
0:06:28 > 0:06:30on the road. Drunk? I do not drink.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Prove it. You want me to prove it? Aye, you go and prove it.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35We've got a breathalyser in the car. Prove it.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Right, sir, blow as hard as you can.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Keep blowing, keep blowing,
0:06:40 > 0:06:42keep blowing, keep blowing, keep blowing...
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Right. There we go. Is that it?
0:06:45 > 0:06:46Zero!
0:06:46 > 0:06:48What does it say? It says zero.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Zero. You see, I don't drink.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Aye, well, I can't be sure, cos I've not got my glasses on.
0:06:53 > 0:06:54I cannae read that. Exactly.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56You need your glasses.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58You cannae go on your bike, you'll need to walk to your spin class.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00We cannae let you... I'll just push it, it's fine.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01Just push your bike.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Where's my bike?
0:07:04 > 0:07:07My bike was there. When I pulled over, I put my bike there.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Right, I'll tell you what... You're meant to be police. Where's my bike?
0:07:10 > 0:07:11Her bike got stolen...
0:07:11 > 0:07:13while we were at the scene.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16See, this is what happens when people distract us
0:07:16 > 0:07:17from our proper job.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20No, you're leaving things at your backside. Your glasses, your bike.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23The positive with that bike being stolen was that our response time
0:07:23 > 0:07:26in dealing with that bike being stolen was...
0:07:26 > 0:07:28We were there right away. Right, well, we'll need
0:07:28 > 0:07:30to take you down the station, then, and get the details, right?
0:07:30 > 0:07:33I have to put a report in? Aye. Uh-huh. Yes.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Our message to the public is as simple and as pure as this.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40If you've been prescribed glasses, wear them,
0:07:40 > 0:07:43cos not only will you drive better, you'll look better.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46Yeah.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Let me stop you right there.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52It's not a snooper's charter. Where does the snooper's charter come from?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55We're just...we're doing our job.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58We've got to find out what's going on so we can stop the bad guys.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Somebody's having a party next door, you're going to peek over the hedge,
0:08:02 > 0:08:05see what's going on, make sure that they are not up to any nonsense.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07That's all we're doing.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10We are just having a peek over the hedge to see what's what.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Now, we happen to use drones, and we tap your phone,
0:08:13 > 0:08:15we monitor your e-mails and, occasionally,
0:08:15 > 0:08:17we might follow you around town.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Whatever we do...
0:08:20 > 0:08:24..is not as bad as whatever they're doing.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26That's the essence of policing.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30That's not a snooper's chapter - that's scum watch.
0:08:33 > 0:08:38From scum watch to nature watch and back to scum watch,
0:08:38 > 0:08:43as rural cops Charlie McIntosh and Jane Mackay get set
0:08:43 > 0:08:47to crack down on one of the biggest crimes in the country -
0:08:47 > 0:08:51countryside counterfeiting.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55Illegal sales in small rural pubs is quite common.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58It's difficult to catch them in the act when we're so visible,
0:08:58 > 0:09:01so we decided to go undercover into this small pub
0:09:01 > 0:09:03disguised as two separate patrons.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06I, the accordion-playing band for the evening,
0:09:06 > 0:09:09and Jane as the lovely...
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Single woman. Single woman.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13At the bar. At the bar.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16HE PLAYS A TRADITIONAL TUNE
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Trap set, hunters poised...
0:09:24 > 0:09:28It ain't long before a dodgy-looking geezer walks into their crosshairs.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Aye, I'm not doing too bad.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32I brought you a wee...
0:09:32 > 0:09:34A wee CD.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37A suspect package is clocked at the bar.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Mackay's on it.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41That's it, caught you.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Selling counterfeit CDs, are you? Oh, my God, it's Phil Cunningham.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Phil Cunningham's Christmas Songbook. How did you know, Charlie?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Have you got this CD? No, it's Phil Cunningham.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51I just brought this in for the raffle.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53I noticed the ceilidh was on, they were looking for raffle prizes.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Oh, my goodness. What, you... You're Phil Cunningham?
0:09:56 > 0:09:59I'm sorry, there's been a big misunderstanding here, Phil,
0:09:59 > 0:10:00we're police officers.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04We're undercover. Someone else is coming in selling dodgy gear.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07We've seen you with the bag and the CDs, and I'm so sorry about this.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Well, I've played on a couple of criminal records,
0:10:10 > 0:10:11but I don't think I actually have one.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13So sorry, Mr Cunningham. I'm really sorry. It's fine.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15I'm just trying to do my job.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17It's fine, honestly. You're a hero of mine.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Do you know the you're my second favourite musician of all time?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22I mean, obviously, Enya, and then yourself.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Perhaps, if you've got the accordion there, you could
0:10:24 > 0:10:27come over and sit with me and play. And it would be a personal...
0:10:27 > 0:10:29I mean, absolute dream come true for me.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32And it would also... It would really help the investigation.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33You know, a big whisky might swing it.
0:10:33 > 0:10:38A big... The largest whisky you can pour, please, for my good friend.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43They double down on their disguise,
0:10:43 > 0:10:46and the accordion ambush is back in play.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58The contraband comes out.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Oi.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Jane pounces. He gives it legs.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Hold it there. Bang!
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Cunningham nails it.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10You're under arrest.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Courtesy of Phil Cunningham.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14How do you feel about that?
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Busted. Thank you, Phil. Take him away, partner.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20The number's up for this rogue trader.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Take it away.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Another symphony of success for the Scot Squad.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Slainte!
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Three PCs in the pub that night.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40PC McIntosh, PC Mackay,
0:11:40 > 0:11:44and the best PC of all, Phil Cunningham.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Over in the big city,
0:11:47 > 0:11:53a typical shift for Jack McLaren and Sarah Fletcher involves hands-on policing.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54You had a shower today?
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Right, thank you very much for consenting to that stop and search, there, mate.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00The public appreciate the strategy,
0:12:00 > 0:12:04now served with added double-extra reassurance.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06You have a good night. Oh, wait.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08We've got a questionnaire. Excuse me?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10We've got these new questionnaires that we've got to fill out.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13It's kind of customer service. Customer feedback thing.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Yeah. Without the prize. It won't take long.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18You'll no' get vouchers or anything. It's just a few questions.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21What's your name? Pickle. Pickle. Mr Pickle?
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Pickle P. Your name's Pickle P?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Well, my name's Peter.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Then you should just have said that. Exactly.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30I'll put Peter.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Do you live in close proximity to where you are standing now?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37No. Why not? What do you mean, why not?
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Because it's probably like a car park or something.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Do we have to answer any of these questions?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Well, that would be great, yeah.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Good if you could. No, listen, don't worry.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48We're happy to help. This bit's fun. This bit's fun.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52So it's kind of multiple choice, and they come with faces.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Agree would be a smiley face.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Disagree would be...
0:12:57 > 0:13:00"Scottish Police Force do a good job."
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Agree? Say so, eh? Or disagree.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06I'd put a sad face. You shush.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Probably... It's his form.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Like that, huh? Yeah, that's that one.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12That's a confused one, innit?
0:13:12 > 0:13:15"This stop-and-search procedure happening to me
0:13:15 > 0:13:17"is actually reassuring."
0:13:17 > 0:13:19No. I don't know.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21You're smiling. I don't think so.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Listen, it's Pickle's, all right? It's not yours.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Would you mind not speaking to her the way you're speaking to her?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28At all? I've got to talk to her, cos she's like that. Right.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32We want to get this done, though, Jack. Agree? I don't know.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Just, I don't know. "What is your gender?"
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Are you kidding me on?
0:13:36 > 0:13:39No. Do you want the answers? Well, you searched me.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Inconclusive. Do you want me to go through the answers?
0:13:42 > 0:13:46Are you going to let him talk to you like that? We've got a funny guy here. Male.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Right. I'll tick male. Just... We'll...
0:13:48 > 0:13:51"What is your sexual orientation?"
0:13:51 > 0:13:53What? Are you kidding me on?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Don't you dare ask me a question like that about my sex life.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59It doesn't matter what you are. So straight, gay... Outrageous.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01..bisexual, whatever... Straight. Outrageous. Straight.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Very clear about that.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05I can't believe you're letting them talk to you like that.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Just a couple more questions. Keep going? Gobby one, you, eh?
0:14:08 > 0:14:11We'll keep going. Would you mind stopping speaking to her like that, please?
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Like what? Can we keep going?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15"What is your religious preference?"
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Scientology. Scientology.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Shut up. Scientology. What? Tom Cruise and aliens?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22How do you work with him? That's his belief.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25"What would you vote today in the event of an election?"
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Are you serious? Now you're canvassing for voters?
0:14:28 > 0:14:31No, we're not canvassing. You want to know what I'm going to vote?
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Asking me what my sexual position is.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Do you know what, mate? What's that?
0:14:34 > 0:14:37I'll tell you. I'll tell you a sexual orientation.
0:14:37 > 0:14:38Uh-huh. Shagging your maw!
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Is that right, aye? Aye. Is that right? I'm going to...
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Don't you touch me.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46The police have no option but to pick up Pickle.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Questionnaire...
0:14:48 > 0:14:50My maw widnae touch him.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56"So, how do you feel about your arrest?"
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Happy face? Sad face?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Kind of disgruntled...
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Shite face. Put that down. Right.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Ready to face up to any crime or conflict on his beat
0:15:08 > 0:15:11is volunteer officer Ken Beattie.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15What is happening? This is so confusing.
0:15:15 > 0:15:20Beattie's a one-man band with an army of collaborators.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24I've got a vast network of allies and associates who I use
0:15:24 > 0:15:26to help me with my police work. You know, I've got the prostitutes,
0:15:26 > 0:15:29I've got the homeless people,
0:15:29 > 0:15:31and my closest and best associate
0:15:31 > 0:15:34is a woman named Cilla who runs a soup van.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Cilla. Hello, darling.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38How's my favourite lady of the night?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Och, I'm fine, I'm fine. How are you? Oh, I'm OK.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Do you want a wee soup? Oh, I'd love one.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Just the normal three pence, is it?
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Yes, just put it in there.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50There's an extra pound as well.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Oh, what are you like?
0:15:52 > 0:15:55I found it in the street, so there we go. Oh, that's lovely, Ken.
0:15:55 > 0:15:56Always pass it on.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00We help each other, and we help other people, most importantly.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04You know, she provides nutrients and food to the homeless people
0:16:04 > 0:16:06and I provide them security.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10We really are a good team, you know, like Batman and Robin,
0:16:10 > 0:16:13if they fought against the abuse of homeless people.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16I mean, I just help people. I really...
0:16:16 > 0:16:18No, but I really appreciate it because no-one else does
0:16:18 > 0:16:21around here. Honestly, you've got no idea how much I appreciate
0:16:21 > 0:16:23everything you do for this community.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Cos you're like me, you just want to clean it up. I do, I really do.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29And then people come along and ruin it. Like urinating on dead pigeons.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Talking about ruining it, Ken, I hope you don't mind.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36I don't like snitching on people, I really don't.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39You know? Oh, but you're going to?
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Well, I don't like to say, but I think there might be
0:16:41 > 0:16:43drugs being sold.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Where?
0:16:46 > 0:16:47Round the corner.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55I saw them...I saw them earlier on
0:16:55 > 0:16:58and I just feel I had to say something. Aye, you do, you do.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00I think...I think it's drugs.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02If this comes off, I mean...
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Would it help you? I'll get promoted!
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Thank you for this. I'm off to catch some drug dealers.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Good for you.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14All souped up and ready to go,
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Ken's down on the re-up.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Oh, my God. It's happening, it's happening.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23That's a drug deal. That is a drug deal. Oh, my God.
0:17:24 > 0:17:29Officer Ken Beattie requesting backup on Carson Street.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32There is a drug deal. I have just witnessed a drug deal.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34The chicken is in the oven.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36There they are.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Yes, get 'em.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Get 'em. Get 'em. Get 'em.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41Yes!
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Get in.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46I've literally arrested a drug dealer.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Oh, my God, I need to tell Mandy.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Maybe I should phone her just now.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53No, no.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Oh, God, I'm so excited.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Oh, my God, my knees.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Oh, Jesus. My legs are asleep.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09Maggie LeBeau is well up on the ABC of police work.
0:18:09 > 0:18:14She knows how to talk to the callers and is fluent in legalese.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18I really am sorry that your birthday party was a disappointment,
0:18:18 > 0:18:23but that legally wouldn't be considered grounds for provocation.
0:18:23 > 0:18:28It's never quiet on the call front, even when it IS quiet on the call.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Police emergency, how can I be of assistance?
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Police emergency, how can I be of assistance?
0:18:34 > 0:18:38Sometimes we do get callers who've called 999 from their pocket.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Hello. Hello, is anyone there?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44They can't hear you saying, "Get off the line."
0:18:44 > 0:18:49So what we've developed instead is the arse caller whistle.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Basically, if somebody does pocket dial,
0:18:52 > 0:18:53we get the whistle out...
0:18:53 > 0:18:55SHRILL BLAST
0:18:55 > 0:18:58..and then the person hears the whistle,
0:18:58 > 0:18:59realises they've mistakenly
0:18:59 > 0:19:02called the police and then the line's clear again.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05No problem, sir, pocket dials happen all the time.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07You have a good day.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10And hopefully the next caller isn't an arse caller.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13But if they are, I've got the whistle.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17We've had a great increase in complaints about cyber bullying.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20You know, people receiving abuse whilst gaming online.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23You'll be not surprised to hear it's not a world
0:19:23 > 0:19:25I know a great deal about.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Er, so, what I'm going to do this afternoon,
0:19:28 > 0:19:30some of the boys have got in one of the arcade machines that the young
0:19:30 > 0:19:35people use and I'm going to immerse myself in the online world of gaming
0:19:35 > 0:19:39just to see if I can experience what that abuse feels like.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43This is Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson entering the game.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46MUFFLED SPEECH
0:19:46 > 0:19:50Right, well, the abuse is quite instantaneous, I have to say.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53I don't think there's any reason to talk to me like that.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55I think we should just commence the game.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Ah, right, so that's moving.
0:19:57 > 0:19:58No, listen...
0:20:00 > 0:20:03That was a criminal offence, what he just said to me,
0:20:03 > 0:20:06so I'm beginning to understand the issues at large here.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Right, and that is shooting.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11That's good. There's me. Oh, that's a replay.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Sorry, I beg your pardon.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15No, I think you'll find I have children
0:20:15 > 0:20:17so that, no, that would be impossible.
0:20:17 > 0:20:22I am most certainly not a virgin but that was certainly a good shot.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27The graphics are very, very good.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28The abuse is consistent
0:20:28 > 0:20:32at a level that is really quite alarming but I'm impervious to it.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Don't you worry about that.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37BLEEP move, just get the out BLEEP away, I'm going to BLEEP you.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40You're going to eat BLEEP BLEEP. You little BLEEP
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Stay there, you little BLEEP.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Right in the BLEEP face, man!
0:20:43 > 0:20:46And I'm going to shoot your little BLEEP head right off
0:20:46 > 0:20:49and then I'm going to BLEEP BLEEP.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Down the stump, you little Brazilian BLEEP.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55I was bullied and I did some bullying myself.
0:20:55 > 0:21:00There was a glimpse, you know, into the dark recesses of my soul.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04But it...it helped me understand the problem more
0:21:04 > 0:21:07so it was definitely...it was definitely worth doing.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09I think I learned, you know, that
0:21:09 > 0:21:12virtual words can hurt real feelings.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17Anyway, if you'd excuse me, it's about 10.30 on the west coast
0:21:17 > 0:21:20of America and I've got some teenagers to shoot in the face.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24All right, Officer Karen.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Hello, Bobby. How are you doing?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28I'm all right. What can I do for you?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31I need some help. I need a helping hand.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34What's up? I'm busy today, right? I'm going for a job interview.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Oh! And I was wondering if you could fill in, like,
0:21:37 > 0:21:40a character reference and all that kind of stuff.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44Right, OK. Leave it with me and I'll try and put something together
0:21:44 > 0:21:46and you can pop back in tomorrow and pick it up.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48No, that's the thing, it's in, like, an hour.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51So if you could do it just now. OK. OK, then. Right,
0:21:51 > 0:21:54just give me a couple of minutes and I'll fill it out for you.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56You OK with that? So, what kind of job is it you're applying for?
0:21:56 > 0:21:59It's the burger place down the road. Oh, right.
0:21:59 > 0:22:00What sort of role is it?
0:22:00 > 0:22:04It's in the kitchen as a kitchen porter. I don't make burgers.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Oh, right. But I still get free food.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08You don't want to eat too many burgers, do you?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10That's the only reason I'm applying for the place, to be honest,
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Officer Karen. That... Well...
0:22:12 > 0:22:16OK, but I just need a couple of minutes and I'll just fill this out.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18OK, what are you putting down?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Just some general reference-y stuff, you know?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Yeah, good person?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Er, yeah, that kind of thing.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Sort of conscientious and, er,
0:22:28 > 0:22:30persistent and time use and...
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Timeunous?
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Like, your timekeeping's good, that you're...
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Oh, right, OK. That's good. Cos, I mean, you're always really good
0:22:38 > 0:22:40at getting here exactly when I start my shift, aren't you? Exactly.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Yeah. Attention to detail and things.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Owns an Xbox.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49I'm not sure if that's what
0:22:49 > 0:22:52they'd be looking for me to back up for them.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Right, they're asking about your skills.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Like, erm... I'm a yellow belt.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Right. I don't think I've got a tick box for that
0:23:01 > 0:23:03so I'll probably have to skip that one.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05OK. See for swimming as well? Put it this way.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09I cannae swim a length, but see if you were to throw me in the pool?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Mm-hm. I widnae drown.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13OK.
0:23:14 > 0:23:19Erm, it's asking about whether or not you can speak any languages.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21So obviously you read, write, speak English.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Well, I can speak English.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27Right.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29OK.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30So, can you...
0:23:32 > 0:23:34What about any other languages? Do you...
0:23:34 > 0:23:38No. I've got... I done French in school.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Right. Erm, Je adore fromage.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Je m'appelle Bobby.
0:23:44 > 0:23:45Right. That's about all I've got.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48OK. I do love cheese but, like, in real life.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Yeah. Like in French as well.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53But in real life I love cheese.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Right. Can you...
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Can you drive? Have you got a driving licence?
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Can you drive? I'll give it a go.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02I'll maybe just put "willing to learn". Willing to learn.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Yeah.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05OK. Right, there we go.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Well, all the best with it. I hope you get it.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Thanks very much, Officer Karen.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Look, I know you're busy and stuff and I'm in here all the time,
0:24:12 > 0:24:14but that means a lot. All right, Officer Karen.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18All the best. Right, have a good day. Right, see you later. Bye, Officer Karen.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Back at Beattie's big dope bust,
0:24:25 > 0:24:28the valiant volunteer is keen to share the glory
0:24:28 > 0:24:32with the soup angel who blessed him with the incriminating info.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33I just took down a drug deal.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35No way.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Honestly! Oh! I've never been so excited in all my life.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Oh, Ken. Honestly.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Cilla, thank you so, so much.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43I owe it all to you.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46That's fantastic. This is going to mean the world to me.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Like, when they see I can do real police work, it means
0:24:48 > 0:24:52I'll get a promotion. I'll finally become a real policeman.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53That's them here.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57Must be here to congratulate the one and only Ken Beattie.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Oh, Ken. Hello, boys. I was the one that phoned in the...
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Ken Beattie. You want some soup?
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Come with us, please.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07What's going on? What are you doing? What are you doing?
0:25:07 > 0:25:09What are you doing?
0:25:09 > 0:25:11So, it turns out that Cilla was not what she seemed.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13She was a drug dealer.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17I'm going to kill you and cut your balls off!
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Leave me!
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Cilla! Do you realise who I am?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24To make matters worse, when she was telling me
0:25:24 > 0:25:27about drug dealers she was just wanting rid of her rivals.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30She wasn't wanting to clean up the streets at all.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32You're dead! Cilla!
0:25:32 > 0:25:34I'll have you chopped up, you fanny!
0:25:36 > 0:25:37I felt used and abused.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Your soup is too salty anyway!
0:25:40 > 0:25:43I might volunteer to be a policeman
0:25:43 > 0:25:47but I certainly don't volunteer to help drug...
0:25:47 > 0:25:52queenpins...like Cilla.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Where's my money?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56She's taken my money as well.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57Well!
0:25:57 > 0:26:00SIZZLING Agh!
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Goodbye, soup van.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07A new role in crime-busting for Beattie,
0:26:07 > 0:26:12and all over the force, the cops find new ways to test themselves.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Right, phonetic alphabet, alcoholic drinks, right?
0:26:15 > 0:26:16A.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Er, Archers. Beer.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20Cognac.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Drambuie. Eggnog.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Right, phonetic alphabet, dinners, A.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30An Indian dish, aloo matar.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Beef curry. Mm. Chicken and rice.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34D...
0:26:34 > 0:26:35Domino's Pizza.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Well, OK, I'll let you off with that.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42I'll have Domino's Pizza for another time.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Phonetic alphabet, women's names.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Isabel.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Jean. Kirsty. Lisa.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Mon... Monica.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Er, Naomi.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58Roger that, Control. Can we get a quick registration check?
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Registration number
0:27:00 > 0:27:04Spaghetti Lasagne five-three Pizza Bolognese Ravioli.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07RADIO: 'Er, could you repeat that, please?'
0:27:07 > 0:27:08What's the matter, mate?
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Wrong phonetics.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Cancel that. Can we get a quick registration on
0:27:14 > 0:27:18Sierra Lima five-three Papa Bravo Romeo?
0:27:18 > 0:27:19'Check.'
0:27:19 > 0:27:22That's why we shouldn't play that game.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24You get them mixed up. It gets confusing, doesn't it?
0:27:24 > 0:27:27I tell you what, I could fair go an Italian now, right enough.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30One of the biggest frustrations of my job is the lag time,
0:27:30 > 0:27:33the delay between the committing of the crime
0:27:33 > 0:27:34and the appearance in court.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38It can be months. You need to have immediate justice.
0:27:38 > 0:27:43My idea is that you have judges on call.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47A crime is committed, you've caught the boy, there's CCTV,
0:27:47 > 0:27:49there's witnesses. Call up the judge.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53He roars up on a motorbike.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55"What's happening here?" Bang.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Dispenses justice.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01That wee radge is up in the community centre painting the wall,
0:28:01 > 0:28:04doing his 20 hours of community service.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08Like anything, there's problems that immediately...
0:28:08 > 0:28:10I'm just talking about it there, and I'm thinking, well,
0:28:10 > 0:28:13what about the wig? How do you fit the crash helmet over the wig?
0:28:13 > 0:28:16There's a problem right there. But there'll be solutions, you know?
0:28:16 > 0:28:18If you think about it long enough, there'll be a solution.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20It'll either be bigger helmets or smaller wigs.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23I'm pretty certain of that. Or a hybrid.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25It might be, like, one of the "See You, Jimmy" wigs
0:28:25 > 0:28:28with the wee orange bits. It'll be the helmet,
0:28:28 > 0:28:31a wee bit of the judge's wig there. But, look, I'm big ideas.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33I'll leave the details to others.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03What have you been up to? Something grubby?
0:29:04 > 0:29:07I'm Dame Judi Dench, I'm a national treasure!
0:29:07 > 0:29:11Why settle for a German Europe when you could have a Scottish world?