0:00:00 > 0:00:02Coming up:
0:00:02 > 0:00:05Coping with foul stenches...
0:00:05 > 0:00:07Oh! That's howling, man.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09..dumping dirty money.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Are you offering me a bribe?
0:00:11 > 0:00:14..and dealing with cut-throat blades.
0:00:14 > 0:00:15HE MUMBLES
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Hot on the heels of hoodlums.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Come back!
0:00:21 > 0:00:24..keeping the peace with ultimate force.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26When the public say that they want more,
0:00:26 > 0:00:29I think it's legitimate for me to give them less.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32This is Scot Squad.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45In the United States of Scottish police work,
0:00:45 > 0:00:50one man has worked his way up to the very top.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52I've just noticed Twatt in Orkney.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Hale to the chief of law enforcement,
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00I should have got a pickled egg.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01I haven't met the new president yet.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04I'm sure our paths will cross, the POTUS and I.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06I did meet Obama.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09A lovely three or four minutes up at Gleneagles once when
0:01:09 > 0:01:11he was over golfing.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13We connected, I think, there was a bond between us.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16He recognised that we'd both overcome great hardships
0:01:16 > 0:01:18to get where we are.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22I mean, what are the odds of a white middle-class boy from Edinburgh
0:01:22 > 0:01:25reaching a position of authority in Scotland?
0:01:25 > 0:01:29Knights of the road, Tsars of the cars,
0:01:29 > 0:01:31McKirdy and Singh patrol the highways
0:01:31 > 0:01:33and slam the brakes on crime.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36- BRAKES SCREECH - Shite!
0:01:36 > 0:01:37He's waving.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Is he being nice? Or is that a calculated move?
0:01:40 > 0:01:43But these fast movers are also sensitive
0:01:43 > 0:01:46to anyone in need of assistance,
0:01:46 > 0:01:48human or otherwise.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50We were called to the scene of an RTA,
0:01:50 > 0:01:52which is a road traffic accident,
0:01:52 > 0:01:55and we observed a gentleman who was involved.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58He was quite banged up so he had to go to the hospital.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02He was fine, nothing serious, but he had a dog with him.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05So, we took it upon ourselves to take the dog into the back
0:02:05 > 0:02:09of our car and keep him with us until we could safely drop him off
0:02:09 > 0:02:11at the kennels.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13What do you see? Any criminals?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Dugs are great, aren't they? We should be equipped with them.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20Never mind having pepper spray or sticks, I'm telling you.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Dugs are great.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24We've got so many different departments in the police,
0:02:24 > 0:02:27and the dog unit is something I'd maybe consider.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30No' yet, obviously my heart lies on the roads,
0:02:30 > 0:02:31my heart lies with the traffic.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34But this gave me a wee kind of taster of what it's like.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Oh, have you let aff?
0:02:36 > 0:02:37No.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39That's stinking, man. Is that you?
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Are you sitting in the back there farting?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44- Jeez.- It is, isn't it?
0:02:44 > 0:02:46It's that dug. Oh!
0:02:46 > 0:02:48That's howling, man. Get the windaes doon.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50We actually got a guy for speeding.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53He was doing 38mph in a 30 zone.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56When we pulled him up and got him in the back of the police car,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59he started to complain that he was allergic to the dog.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02MAN SNEEZES
0:03:02 > 0:03:04I don't know if he was just playing up,
0:03:04 > 0:03:06if he was just trying to wind us up,
0:03:06 > 0:03:09but just to save any hassle I decided to swap seats,
0:03:09 > 0:03:11we decided to swap seats with the guy.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15I sat in the back while my colleague here wrote him out a ticket.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- Three points.- Really?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20- Aye. Be careful how you drive. - I will.- Right.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Make sure you take your licence down to the station as well.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24- Aren't you a good girl? Hello! - I will, aye.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26- All right, they'll process it, OK? - Aye.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Aye, you can go on your way now.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32McKirdy, back into the front now, come on, let's go.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33I'll just stay in the back here.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I'm all right.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Obviously it was great having a dug with us for the day.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40I would... Well, I'd love him as a partner,
0:03:40 > 0:03:43but I would never ever swap you for a dug.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45I'd never ever dae that to you.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Although it would be good to have somebody with hair.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53The dug.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55I'm only kidding, champ.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58In a community like this,
0:03:58 > 0:04:01man's best friend can be his local police station.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04With limited resources, desk Sergeant Karen Ann Millar
0:04:04 > 0:04:09juggles duties to decide what best deserves her diligence.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Just because we respond to a call doesn't necessarily mean
0:04:11 > 0:04:14that that call is deserving of respondence.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18As a respondee we do respond,
0:04:18 > 0:04:20but it's not necessarily worth responding.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23All right, Officer Karen. How are you doing?
0:04:23 > 0:04:25I'm all right, Bobby, but I'm really busy today,
0:04:25 > 0:04:27I don't really have time.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29I know you're busy, but I've got some good news for you.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32That's nice, but can you maybe come in and tell me about it tomorrow?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34No, I cannae come in. What's all this stuff?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36- I cannae come in tomorrow, it's today.- I'm right in the middle
0:04:36 > 0:04:38of a data migration, Bobby. We've got 15,000 records
0:04:38 > 0:04:40- that we're trying to put in a new database.- No.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42And I need to get all of this...
0:04:42 > 0:04:44No, no, no, no, no, no, please don't, please don't mess it up,
0:04:44 > 0:04:46cos I know it doesn't not organised,
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- but I actually know where everything is, OK?- OK.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51So, I'll speak to you tomorrow.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53No, look, Officer Karen, you need to listen to me.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Bobby. You have to go away, Bobby, OK?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59I'm trying to be nice about it, but you have to leave.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Sometimes police work has to happen in a police station, OK?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- So, you can come back tomorrow. On you go.- You're no' listening.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07You are not listening. What did you tell me about people
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- that don't listen? - I can't remember, Bobby.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11I wasn't really listening to myself, to be honest.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14- Bobby, are we doing this now or what?- Shereen!
0:05:14 > 0:05:16See? 'Mon in.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Tell her what's happening, she's no' listening to me.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Hi, Karen. It's lovely to meet you.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24- I'm Shereen, nice to meet you. - Miss Nanjiani, I'm a genuine fan.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Nice to meet you. Bobby has filled out this nomination form to nominate
0:05:28 > 0:05:31you as one of Scotland's community heroes.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33According to this, you've served your community
0:05:33 > 0:05:36to an exceptional standard, you're an unsung champion whose actions
0:05:36 > 0:05:39and deeds deserve wider recognition
0:05:39 > 0:05:41and you're an inspiration.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43I'm delighted to tell you that you've won,
0:05:43 > 0:05:46so we're here to do a wee bit of filming with you if that's OK?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49But she's really busy today and she cannae talk to us.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52So, I'll tell you what, we're just going to go, right, Officer Karen?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55- No...- No, no, Officer Karen, I came in, you're busy,
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- you've got your paperwork. - We've got the crew outside.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01- Shereen, we cannae dae it. Come on. - It'll just take just five minutes.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03- Yeah, I'm... - Shereen, the crew will need to go.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- Five minutes? Five minutes.- No, she's too busy, Shereen. Come on.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- You're still getting paid, don't worry.- It's, it's...
0:06:08 > 0:06:11See you later, Officer Karen. Come on, Shereen.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Setting targets is an intricate process. It's...
0:06:16 > 0:06:20The key is they have to be achievable targets, firstly.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23If I was to tell you my target is to...
0:06:23 > 0:06:25stand up, put my coat on and go home,
0:06:25 > 0:06:29you'd go, "OK, that's an achievable target", but is it that exciting?
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Now, if I was to say, conversely, I'm going to levitate
0:06:33 > 0:06:36from this chair, summon up a unicorn,
0:06:36 > 0:06:38fly home naked and have fish and chips
0:06:38 > 0:06:41with the blonde lassie out of Game Of Thrones, you'd say,
0:06:41 > 0:06:44"Well, that's some target, but is it achievable?"
0:06:44 > 0:06:47You see? We're always looking for the middle ground.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51Something that's exciting enough to engage the public and excite them,
0:06:51 > 0:06:54but something that's also achievable enough that we, as a force,
0:06:54 > 0:06:57can do it without that much effort.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Which is why I am committed to getting
0:07:00 > 0:07:05chewing gum-free pavements in Scotland by the middle of June 2056.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Urban officers Jack McLaren and Sarah Fletcher
0:07:11 > 0:07:13lift the lid on crime.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15- Oh, it's a bam.- Oh, it's a bam!
0:07:15 > 0:07:18But as Halloween throws up extra challenges,
0:07:18 > 0:07:23this Halloween the cops make sure they speak up for the victims.
0:07:23 > 0:07:29We deal with a lot of varied crimes against people's sexuality,
0:07:29 > 0:07:32against people's race, cultural insensitivity.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35For example, the other day we were called out to what
0:07:35 > 0:07:38just looked like a minor assault in the street.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41But it turned out that the whole thing had been flipped on its head.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44- Is it yourselves that phoned the police?- Yeah.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46About bloody time, I've been bloody lamped.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50- OK.- Lamped? - Yeah, a guy smacked me in the face.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Can I take your drink off you, please, boys?
0:07:52 > 0:07:54You shouldnae be drinking in the streets.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Especially no' that. Rocket fuel.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59It's not actually... It's not actually Buckfast.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01- I wouldn't touch the stuff.- Uh-huh.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03It's actually Merlot, it's quite nice.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Quite oaky, woody.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08It was mental cos you've got a really posh guy dressed as a bam.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11We had a, sort of, late lunch, leisurely meal,
0:08:11 > 0:08:13that little Greek taverna that's round the corner.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16It's beautiful. And we come walking down the street,
0:08:16 > 0:08:17we'd had a little couple of drinks,
0:08:17 > 0:08:20and he shouted from the other side of the pavement,
0:08:20 > 0:08:24"Oi, big man, fanny...baws..."
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Something, something like that.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29And then he came running over, smacked me.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Your voice, if you don't mind me saying, doesn't fit with your...
0:08:35 > 0:08:37..gear.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Your stereotype. You look like bams.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41- We're just out for Halloween, you know?- Uh-huh.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- So, we're just dressing up. - Ah, this is a costume?
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- Yeah, it's just a bit of banter. - Maybe the fellow that lamped you,
0:08:47 > 0:08:50were you mocking him, was he dressed like this?
0:08:50 > 0:08:52He could have been, yes.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55We're not saying you're allowed to go smashing folk round in the face,
0:08:55 > 0:08:59but you can maybe understand he felt he was getting mocked,
0:08:59 > 0:09:02culturally insensitive. It could be perceived as a hate crime.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05You know what these people are like, they don't have an ounce of sense,
0:09:05 > 0:09:07uneducated people who roam the streets and they're just...
0:09:07 > 0:09:09They're looking for violence.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12It's not just poor people that cause crimes.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Politicians. The biggest criminals of all.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18I mean, they're slightly better crimes, aren't they?
0:09:18 > 0:09:21I mean, let's be honest, no-one's going around punching anyone in the
0:09:21 > 0:09:23- House of Lords, are they?- Right, I'm going to ask yous
0:09:23 > 0:09:27a wee favour, boys, OK? Take your hat off, please.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Dress up as something different next year.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31- Like?- Any suggestions?
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Minions or something, like a cartoon.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Do I look five years old?
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Well, you're in a tracksuit, mate.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41- Something safer.- Safer.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Cos that way a real-life cartoon or a real-life minion,
0:09:44 > 0:09:46is no gonnae come across the street and batter you, is he?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Stop mocking people, OK?
0:09:50 > 0:09:51Right, look after yourselves.
0:09:51 > 0:09:56- Stick in at the job.- The cops take the vintage Merlot off the street.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59This party's over as Lord Snooty
0:09:59 > 0:10:02hangs up his Bam Man costume for good.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06He was upper-class, but he certainly had no class.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Hmm.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Meanwhile, the chief steers the steering committee
0:10:11 > 0:10:13in the right direction.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16OK, gentlemen, moving on.
0:10:16 > 0:10:21Yesterday, you saw a set of statistics
0:10:21 > 0:10:24showing that crime in Scotland is on the rise.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Well, let me tell you, no, you didn't.
0:10:28 > 0:10:33What you saw was a set of statistics suggesting crime in Scotland
0:10:33 > 0:10:37was on the rise. Let's have a look at them.
0:10:37 > 0:10:42So, there we are, mobile phone theft up 100%.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Internet fraud up 100%.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Theft of hybrid vehicles up 100%.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52Pretty damning statistics, I think you will agree.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Until you realise there were no mobile phones,
0:10:54 > 0:10:58internet or hybrid vehicles in 1848,
0:10:58 > 0:11:02the year in which these statistics are being compared to.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06So, let's play them at their own game.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Let's look at some success stories.
0:11:09 > 0:11:15Witchcraft down 100%, rustling down 100%.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Scrumping down 100%.
0:11:18 > 0:11:23Now, the only constant throughout the years is bestiality.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26It just seems that every generation throws up
0:11:26 > 0:11:29the same amount of nut jobs who want to have sex with a chicken.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32As the chief plays up the figures,
0:11:32 > 0:11:36Volunteer Officer Ken Beattie plays up the community.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39There we go, the fudge is in the hole.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41He's ready for anyone
0:11:41 > 0:11:43and anything at any time... ANGRY SHOUTING
0:11:43 > 0:11:47..anything dodgy goes down on his shift.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Stop, police, police, come back!
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Back here!
0:11:51 > 0:11:52Police!
0:11:53 > 0:11:56- I'm trying to phone up backup. - Do you want to get off me, mate?
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Officer requesting backup on Simpson Street.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03- Naw, he's no'.- I've apprehended a suspect in a suspected drug deal.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05- Naw, he's no'. - Over. Right, come on, you.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08- What are you daeing, man? - What do you mean what am I doing?
0:12:08 > 0:12:11I'm arresting you for a drug deal which I just witnessed.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15- There's that money you dropped. - What are you talking about, man?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17So, that is yours.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19- That's no' my money, mate. - That is your money.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20You can take that money.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23- What do you mean "I can take it"? - I mean, you can take that money,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26and we'll...I'll be off, you know?
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Are you offering me a bribe.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30No, mate.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32- A bribe?- No, mate, I'm just saying you take that money.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35No, no, I will not be taking that money because this money is yours,
0:12:35 > 0:12:37so, I'll be putting that back in your pocket.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Now you're planting evidence on me, mate, that's, that's...
0:12:40 > 0:12:41- What?- Are you a dirty cop, mate?
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Ken Beattie is not dirty, Ken Beattie is clean.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45I'm one of the cleanest cops there is.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48- You're planting money on me, mate. - I'm not planting money at all.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51- It's your money.- That's not my money.- You just did a drug deal.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54What do you mean, it's not your money? I seen you. It's yours.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55- It's yours, mate...- It's not.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59..if you know what I mean. Take the money, mate, go doon the theatre.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Do you like Les Mis?
0:13:01 > 0:13:05- How do you know that?- You just look like the type that likes Les Mis,
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- do you know what I mean?- I do.- Go and see it.- I do like Les Mis a lot.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Go and see it, mate. Take that money.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12No, of course I'm not going to the theatre
0:13:12 > 0:13:16with your blood money. I don't know what to do, though.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17There. That's that settled.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- That's you planting money on me again, mate.- Stop saying that.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22You know there's CCTV round here, mate, they'll see that.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26- Is there?- If this goes to court, I'll say, "Look at the cameras."
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Oh, my God, it's the police. He's here.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Suspected drug dealer.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33- BLEEP- sake, man. - He's got money, I've got money,
0:13:33 > 0:13:36he accused me of planting evidence. I never planted evidence, OK?
0:13:36 > 0:13:37I'm a clean cop.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38Calm it down, wee man.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Calm it down. All you have to do is haun' it into the station.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Six weeks it's yours, know what I mean?
0:13:43 > 0:13:45- Can you do that?- Of course you can.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48OK. Right.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50- Sorry about that. - Are you going to calm down?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52- Yes, yes, of course, sorry. - We'll take it fae here, right?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54See you later.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56I caught him, by the way, Volunteer Officer Ken Beattie.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Put in a good word for me.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Jeezo.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04The cash was claimed the next day.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Meanwhile the head of the police is concerned
0:14:06 > 0:14:08with the head of the head of the police.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11So, the time-and-motion boys have been looking into
0:14:11 > 0:14:14how I can best spend my time more efficiently.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17One of the areas they are looking into is my haircut.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19I normally go to Studio Spectum,
0:14:19 > 0:14:23and they've got one of those lovely wee cappuccino machines.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Chantelle washes my hair,
0:14:25 > 0:14:27then Nicki gives me a massage scalp.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31And then Erin cuts it, and then her twin, Kayleigh, a lovely girl,
0:14:31 > 0:14:32she will blow-dry it.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36So, you know, door-to-door it takes maybe four, four and a half hours.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40So, the time-and-motion boys think maybe we can make a saving there.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43That's where we're looking today - let's have a haircut at the desk.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Jean, when is the, uh...
0:14:48 > 0:14:53the meeting about the security issue at Balmoral, is that the 14th?
0:14:53 > 0:14:57Jean? What's the password for, er...
0:14:57 > 0:15:00that bunch of Faslane files we've got.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01Aye, the sensitive ones.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04Kaboom?
0:15:04 > 0:15:06You're going to bring the boat in where, Stonehaven?
0:15:06 > 0:15:10OK. You reckon it's a bigger...?
0:15:10 > 0:15:13You reckon it's a bigger haul than last week's?
0:15:13 > 0:15:17OK. I want every hold searched, I want them searched,
0:15:17 > 0:15:19I want the fish searched, right?
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Jean, I'm just going through the diary,
0:15:22 > 0:15:23and I think we're going to have...
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- GARBLED:- ..to move a couple of things around here.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28INDISTINCT MUMBLING
0:15:28 > 0:15:31..the meeting with the Justice Secretary
0:15:31 > 0:15:34I think we're going to have to put that on a Thursday.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Very happy with that.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38You want to have a feel of that yourself? No?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Smooth as butter.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Yeah, so haircut, also, I like it.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43Great success.
0:15:44 > 0:15:49Didn't lose any time regarding police work and,
0:15:49 > 0:15:52between you and me, Ali gave me some very interesting information
0:15:52 > 0:15:55about who's selling the counterfeit cigarettes down in Granton.
0:15:55 > 0:15:56Win-win.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00At Copcom's HQ,
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Maggie LeBeau picks up all the crucial info
0:16:03 > 0:16:05and gets all the key details.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07What was your name, sorry?
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Christine. Christine what?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Christine from the roll shop?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15I'm going to need your second name.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19It's just we don't have a roll shop option on our system here.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Fully focused, even with time wasters.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26Daily, I get phone calls from people who are phoning up to report crimes
0:16:26 > 0:16:28that are not crimes.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Often they're just complaints about something people don't like.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Somebody's opened an olive oil shop in your street
0:16:34 > 0:16:37and you think it's "heavy dodgy"?
0:16:37 > 0:16:40For example, a bus stop might have a poster of Justin Bieber on it,
0:16:40 > 0:16:42and when you walk past that bus stop
0:16:42 > 0:16:44you might want to scrape your eyes out.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48If I walked past that bus poster, I would want to scrape my eyes out.
0:16:48 > 0:16:54However, that being there is not a crime, so don't call 999.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58And the Scottish Police Force would always advise that you don't scrape
0:16:58 > 0:17:00your eyes out for any reason.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02You think that your neighbour has stolen the lawnmower.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04What makes you think that he's stolen it?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Just because he earns less than you
0:17:08 > 0:17:11doesn't necessarily mean that it's stolen.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13We get calls daily from people who say,
0:17:13 > 0:17:17"Oh, so and so hasn't opened their curtains for three days."
0:17:17 > 0:17:20That's not a crime, that's not an emergency.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23You know, they've probably just got a heavy hangover.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27999 is not appropriate for a curtain call.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30In the bonnie hills and the bonnie glens,
0:17:30 > 0:17:35McIntosh and Mackay stamp out anything they reckon could be iffy.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37- What's going on?! - You're under arrest!
0:17:37 > 0:17:40But tradition decrees they go softly-softly
0:17:40 > 0:17:43when the locals want to party hard.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Every town has its own festivals and traditions.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49People have gala days and fairs.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51We have the Butter Fist.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52The Butter Fist?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54It's an age-old tradition.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55A huge local fair.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57They do stuff from the morning right through to the evening.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59They bring out a huge barrel of butter
0:17:59 > 0:18:02and they put it right in the village centre.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Everyone just fists into the butter,
0:18:04 > 0:18:07and whatever you manage to scoop up, you get to take that home with you.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10You haven't lived until you've fisted a barrel of butter.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13I must take you fisting some time, you'll love it.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16The big thing, someone is elected the Butter Man.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18He has to then take two fistfuls of butter.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21There's a bunch of Butter Bashers around.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23- Butter bashers?- Yeah, they're trying to stop the Butter Man
0:18:23 > 0:18:25getting from one end of the town to the other
0:18:25 > 0:18:26because he has to get to the other end
0:18:26 > 0:18:29because if he does so and completes it before sundown
0:18:29 > 0:18:32he gets to take the Butter Queen to the Butter Ball.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37You know, inebriation and public lubrication
0:18:37 > 0:18:40was something that we were supposed to guard against,
0:18:40 > 0:18:42but apparently if you do it annually
0:18:42 > 0:18:44- then we can help you celebrate. - Yeah.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- Oh, hello.- You've got to help me, they're after my butter.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50- You know the rules as well as I do. - Come on.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51No, no, we can't abet the Butter Man.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- Anything, come on, help me out. - On your way.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54Get going, quick, they'll be here soon.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- Just up there.- What are you doing?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58- What?- You cannot abet the Butter Man.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- Where be the Butter Man? - There be the Butter Man.
0:19:01 > 0:19:02Charlie!
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Charlie, you said you weren't supposed to... You can't help...
0:19:04 > 0:19:07If somebody asks the question, you have to give the answer.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08Come on, now, get him.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10- Got you!- That's it.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Charlie, he's sitting on top of him.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13No, he's fine, he can breathe.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16He can't breathe. Charlie, this is assault.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18No, it's a wee knobbing, that's what they call it.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19- A wee what?- Just a knobbing,
0:19:19 > 0:19:21they're trying to get the knobs of butter off him.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- That is horrendous, and this is... - Give him a knobbing for me!
0:19:24 > 0:19:25- Get off!- He's broken free!
0:19:25 > 0:19:27- The Butter Man's away! - Come on, then!
0:19:27 > 0:19:30- Run!- Have it.- Run!
0:19:30 > 0:19:33He'll have a whole day of that. God, that is...
0:19:33 > 0:19:35What I would give to be the Butter Man.
0:19:35 > 0:19:40It got a little bit wild at times, but nowhere near as bad as 2009.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43That was a particularly messy affair -
0:19:43 > 0:19:45not enough butter, too much fist.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47You do the math.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50One of our biggest challenges is keeping up with technology.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Do you know what is just around the corner? Driverless cars.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56I can tell you now, that's the next big one.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Because, if there's an accident,
0:19:58 > 0:20:01or a crime committed by a driverless car,
0:20:01 > 0:20:02even something as simple as speeding,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05there's no driver to arrest.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08What do we do? Can we arrest the car?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Can we imprison the car?
0:20:10 > 0:20:12I honestly don't know the answer to these questions,
0:20:12 > 0:20:14but somebody needs to find out,
0:20:14 > 0:20:17because the future is coming straight towards us
0:20:17 > 0:20:18and we need to know,
0:20:18 > 0:20:20we need to meet it head on.
0:20:20 > 0:20:26The main question is, will the car ever be treated as a sentient being?
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Right now, we can say what we want about our cars.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31You know? But in the future, might they take offence?
0:20:31 > 0:20:33I've got a crappy Renault.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35I can say "bloody French cars" any time I want,
0:20:35 > 0:20:38but if that Renault comes to understand that it's a French car,
0:20:38 > 0:20:39is it going to take offence on that?
0:20:39 > 0:20:43Then the public might worry about us pulling over too many black cars,
0:20:43 > 0:20:45that'll be the next thing.
0:20:45 > 0:20:51You know? And then, is an MOT an invasion of their privacy?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54These will be the issues, mark my words.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59The public have to deal with dangerous hucksters out to con them
0:20:59 > 0:21:03for an easy buck, so it's lucky Desk Sergeant Karen Ann Millar
0:21:03 > 0:21:04has their back.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07It's important to remember that being a victim of crime does not
0:21:07 > 0:21:09automatically make you a fool.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Even the best of us can be duped.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15Confidence tricksters will worm their way right inside your life.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19I like to liken it to taking care of dolphins.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22You know? Everybody is dolphin-friendly, aren't they?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Well, we, we are tuna-friendly.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27The Scottish Police Force is there to look after the tuna, too.
0:21:27 > 0:21:28Officer Karen.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33- Bobby, how are we doing? - You all right?- I'm fine, yeah.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Are you hurt, or anything? Are you safe?
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- I'm perfectly all right. - The thing is, I was worried, right?
0:21:38 > 0:21:42I got a deal off Groupon, right, and I went to see a fortune teller.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44And see the fortune teller,
0:21:44 > 0:21:46she gave me a warning.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47She was like that,
0:21:47 > 0:21:50"Someone you know is in grave danger."
0:21:50 > 0:21:53- Right?- OK.- It's a lassie, right?
0:21:53 > 0:21:57- OK.- She's got blonde hair, blue eyes, and she's always smiling,
0:21:57 > 0:21:59and something bad's going to happen.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02And I thought, I need to go in and tell Officer Karen
0:22:02 > 0:22:06- and make sure you're all right. - Yes, I'm fine, Bobby.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Why did you feel you had to tell me
0:22:08 > 0:22:11about this risk to an unnamed blonde,
0:22:11 > 0:22:13blue-eyed lady of your acquaintance?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15I was just wondering, cos maybe, you know how,
0:22:15 > 0:22:17when people are, like, born, they've got blonde hair,
0:22:17 > 0:22:20and when you get older your hair goes darker?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Well, I can reassure you, Bobby,
0:22:22 > 0:22:26that I did not have blonde hair when I was a child.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27So, you're OK?
0:22:27 > 0:22:31I'm fine. It's a shame, Bobby - these people are charlatans.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Fortune telling is the last bastion for a credible society,
0:22:34 > 0:22:38who are seeking some kind of higher power to give them an opportunity
0:22:38 > 0:22:39to see a future for themselves,
0:22:39 > 0:22:44and to feel as though someone else is in control of their destiny,
0:22:44 > 0:22:46rather than having to accept that the universe
0:22:46 > 0:22:48is just a very complex mechanism
0:22:48 > 0:22:51that operates on its own rules and you can't really control it.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55That's what I said.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Then the thing to do, Bobby,
0:22:56 > 0:22:58is to accept that maybe the best thing
0:22:58 > 0:23:00is to appreciate every day as an adventure.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02You move forward through life never knowing
0:23:02 > 0:23:03what's going to happen to you,
0:23:03 > 0:23:07- it's going to be a lot more fun, isn't it?- Yeah, OK.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Don't you worry, don't you let those charlatans take you in, OK?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Right, OK, I'll go up and get my sausage rolls,
0:23:11 > 0:23:14and I'll come back down. Anyway, see you later, Officer Karen, bye.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15- Want anything?- I'm good, thanks.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17- Right OK, see you later. - See you later.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21SIREN WAILS
0:23:21 > 0:23:22I'll tell you, the amount of vehicles
0:23:22 > 0:23:24that we've pulled over in our career,
0:23:24 > 0:23:29we've pulled over motors, vans, lorries, boats.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31The other day we were travelling along and we seen a male
0:23:31 > 0:23:34travelling at some speed going down the main road.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Whit? He's in the middle of the road.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38- Here.- Morning, chaps.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41'We pulled him over.' Hi, what are you playing at?
0:23:41 > 0:23:43- Lewis Hamilton.- All right, boys.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Some speed you were going at, do you not think?
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Look, it was an emergency.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50What was the emergency, what's happening?
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Well, I was getting my shopping back from my neighbour, you see,
0:23:53 > 0:23:58before it defrosted, because it's all frozen food, cos he's elderly.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01What have you got for him, anyway? Frozen cheese and ham toasties?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03The basics, you see?
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Is that us done? I've got to go, boys, here, man, come on!
0:24:06 > 0:24:08He started to get a wee bit shifty.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11He started to act a wee bit edgy, on edge, as if he was hiding something,
0:24:11 > 0:24:13but nothing gets by us.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15On further inspection, I found something that completely shocked
0:24:15 > 0:24:17and surprised me.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Is this what they're selling down the freezer shop now, eh?
0:24:19 > 0:24:21No, it must have been planted.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24What is this? Charlie, skank?
0:24:24 > 0:24:26- Smack?- I don't know.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27- Meow-meow?- I don't know.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Right, so you've been scooting all roon' aboot Iceland
0:24:30 > 0:24:31with this in the back of your..?
0:24:31 > 0:24:33I didnae realise, cos I cannae see behind me,
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- I'm no' an owl.- You've got of a lot of explaining to do, boy.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38- Right, we're going to have to take you down the station.- What?!
0:24:38 > 0:24:41The cops have seen enough and call it in.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43We'll mibbe need to get a van. 5-1 to Force Control...
0:24:43 > 0:24:45- The suspect powers off. - Come back, you!
0:24:47 > 0:24:48Nice try.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- Get the handbrake on.- Come on. - Get the ignition off.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52- Switch it off.- Is the ignition off?
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Get it off! I'm no' wanting to use a stinger, right?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57That's the last thing I want to use on these new wheels.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01You know, in the police force we don't see race, religion, ability,
0:25:01 > 0:25:04but what we do see is big bags of gear.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07And he had a big bag of gear, so we arrested him.
0:25:09 > 0:25:14The modern Scottish police officer is professional and presentable.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16- Hi, there.- He-llo.- I'm looking to sign up for the police.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Could I have a wee leaflet, please?
0:25:18 > 0:25:19- Yes.- I'll deal with it, it's cool.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Doing good. Feeling good.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Looking good.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25Have you noticed?
0:25:28 > 0:25:29What?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32- Noticed what?- My hair.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36What about it?
0:25:36 > 0:25:37I spent 112 quid on it.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39What?!
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Bit of colour, styling.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45It's exactly the same.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47By a master stylist.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Would you stop looking in that mirror?
0:25:49 > 0:25:50That's not what that mirror is for.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52I think it is, it's to see if there are any cars coming.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- 112 quid?- It's an investment. - Investment in what?
0:25:57 > 0:25:59An investment in, well, think of the birds I'll get.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01112 quid.
0:26:01 > 0:26:02I'll tell you...
0:26:02 > 0:26:05It's like an ISA for shagging.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07- Mate, mate, listen, listen. - Calm down!
0:26:07 > 0:26:10We're going to take you down to the station, you understand that?
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Can I ask you a quick question?
0:26:12 > 0:26:15How much would you pay for a haircut like this?
0:26:15 > 0:26:19- ANGRY SHOUTING - Girls, girls, girls, hey, hey.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21- The pair o' yese... - She's a slag!- Look, hey!
0:26:21 > 0:26:24That's enough!
0:26:24 > 0:26:25- Argh!- Come here, you!
0:26:25 > 0:26:29You're going to make me bald! I'm going to look like a monk! Right.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32- Argh!- Right, that's it, I'm arresting you!
0:26:32 > 0:26:34- You're under arrest.- Oww!
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Pepper, pepper!
0:26:36 > 0:26:38I'm not peppering her, Jack!
0:26:38 > 0:26:42- Get my lawyer!- Let go of his hair! He's just had that done,
0:26:42 > 0:26:44- cost him a bloody fortune. - What are ye gonnae do?
0:26:46 > 0:26:48- What have you got in it? - Fibre putty.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51It's 23 quid a tub.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55Doing good while still looking good.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Meanwhile, the chief has a good idea.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01So, I've been looking at ways in which the digital economy
0:27:01 > 0:27:06can potentially raise revenue for the police force.
0:27:06 > 0:27:11And interestingly, you'll find that most crimes are committed solo,
0:27:11 > 0:27:13so that when we arrest the criminal,
0:27:13 > 0:27:15there's only one person in the back of the car.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17So there is an available seat.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Seems silly to waste that.
0:27:19 > 0:27:20Is there anything we can do with that?
0:27:20 > 0:27:22My thinking is Police Uber.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24How about that?
0:27:24 > 0:27:28We're making the journey anyway - why not pick someone up on the way?
0:27:28 > 0:27:30What member of the public
0:27:30 > 0:27:33is not going to enjoy a ride in a police car?
0:27:33 > 0:27:37And, of course, it's the safest ride in town.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39You can guarantee the driver has been CRB-checked.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Has he been vetted? Yes. Are the police happy with them?
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Of course they're happy, they ARE the police!
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Now, like any tremendous idea,
0:27:48 > 0:27:50you need to be forensic and look for flaws.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54Potentially here I see the problem being
0:27:54 > 0:27:57if Police Uber takes off, yeah?
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Then the actual Uber drivers become unemployed.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03As we know, unemployment leads to crime, we're back at square one.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06So, maybe,
0:28:06 > 0:28:07the answer is we flip it
0:28:07 > 0:28:11and we get the Uber boys to pick up the criminals.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14So, you phone in the crime, we phone the Uber boys,
0:28:14 > 0:28:19the Uber boys drive round, scoop up the criminal, bring 'em back to us.
0:28:19 > 0:28:20You could see that working, couldn't you?
0:28:20 > 0:28:24It's all kicking off - don't worry, there's an Uber XL two minutes away.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26He'll come and sort it out. Flawless.