0:00:02 > 0:00:03Coming up:
0:00:03 > 0:00:04On the case, on the ground...
0:00:04 > 0:00:06- Oh,- BLEEP!
0:00:06 > 0:00:09Make it stop!
0:00:09 > 0:00:11..bottoms up in the sticks...
0:00:11 > 0:00:12HE GASPS
0:00:12 > 0:00:14HE COUGHS
0:00:14 > 0:00:17..pulling over and pulling shapes.
0:00:17 > 0:00:18- Team!- BOOM!
0:00:18 > 0:00:21When the scum of Scotland kicks off,
0:00:21 > 0:00:24the Scottish police force are the crack cops
0:00:24 > 0:00:26who kick in and kick it out.
0:00:26 > 0:00:27Whoo!
0:00:27 > 0:00:29This is...Scot Squad!
0:00:41 > 0:00:44In the Caledonian crime-fighting community,
0:00:44 > 0:00:48one single super man heads up the MacJustice League -
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Vladimir Putin is First Minister of this country - it's not me to blame.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59In the ding-dong between right and wrong, he rights the wrongs
0:00:59 > 0:01:02and fights for the rights of the right, and he ain't wrong.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05I'll tell you something that gets my goat,
0:01:05 > 0:01:08it's the glorification of the bad guy. You know?
0:01:08 > 0:01:13The whole "Bonnie and Clyde" ethos, the antihero, you know?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16There's a pub on the high street here called the Burke & Hare.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Grave-robbers. It's celebrating grave-robbers, you know?
0:01:19 > 0:01:23And what's Edinburgh's iconic image these days?
0:01:23 > 0:01:25When I was a lad, it was Edinburgh Castle, the Forth Bridges,
0:01:25 > 0:01:27something to be proud of.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30What is it now? Trainspotting!
0:01:30 > 0:01:34Got all these skinny, radgey bams running down Princes Street.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35You know, forget Sick Boy and the boys,
0:01:35 > 0:01:38the poster should be the poor wee police officer
0:01:38 > 0:01:40having to rugby tackle the wee radges running out of Boots,
0:01:40 > 0:01:43cos he's off and getting the skag.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45So, that's what I'm proposing.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Statue of Rebus outside the Oxford Bar, why not?
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Hamish Macbeth up in Plockton.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52And if we must, OK -
0:01:52 > 0:01:54a statue of me in St Andrew's Square.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58Fair enough, I won't stand in your way, but it's just more acclaim,
0:01:58 > 0:02:02more attention, more dignity, more justice.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08Urban cops Jack McLaren and Sarah Fletcher have a duty of care
0:02:08 > 0:02:11to protect the city's party animals.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13What's going on, big boy?
0:02:13 > 0:02:17When a hot new nightspot pops up, these cops rock up to suss it out
0:02:17 > 0:02:21and give the thumbs up from the law's ultimate bouncers.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24In a city with a large nightlife community,
0:02:24 > 0:02:28it's important for us to work closely with the club owners.
0:02:28 > 0:02:29There was a new club had opened,
0:02:29 > 0:02:31it had been refurbished, under new management.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- Oh!- Oh, hiya, how are you doing? - Hiya, officers.- Hiya.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37We just visited it, let ourselves be known to the guy.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38Do you want to show us around?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Yeah, no problem at all. Come on and I'll show you.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Yous aren't wearing trainers, so that's superb.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45As you can see here, we've got a grand selection of drinks.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Are yous wanting a drink at all?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48- Not on duty. Not on duty. - Are you sure?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50You look like a man that likes a slippery nipple there, no?
0:02:50 > 0:02:51I do, but it's no drink.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53THEY LAUGH
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- Excellent. - There's been no problems so far?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57No problems at all. It's been rammed every night.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59We're kind of doing kind of, like, a promotion,
0:02:59 > 0:03:01with competitions and stuff. You know?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03We've got, like, lap dancing competitions. A bit of fun.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- Pole dancing competitions, you know? - That's fantastic.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- Are you single?- At the moment? Well, not really, no.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11- That's just the best.- I've got kind of...my fingers in many pies.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13- Like, literally.- Aye.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Can I check your fire escapes?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17And you two can get to know each other a bit better,
0:03:17 > 0:03:19maybe swap numbers, and...
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Yeah, certainly. The fire escape is down this way.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24My partner, Sarah, went to check fire exits
0:03:24 > 0:03:26and have a look round the building to see what else had changed,
0:03:26 > 0:03:29and he gave me a tour of the VIP area.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32- VIP. Very Important Policeman, mate. That could be you.- Aye, very good.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34- That could be you.- Aye, it could as well. It's brilliant.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36- It's not bad.- This is where all the tidy lassies come?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38If you want them in here, my man, that's what we'll get.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Is that for the football?
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Aye, that's where we watch football. Aye. Aye.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Oh, there you go. There's a wee insight
0:03:45 > 0:03:48into the extras that you get in this room, Jack. That's...
0:03:48 > 0:03:50- That's Sarah. - That's your partner, my man. Yeah.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- Is that the toilet? - Oh, aye, it's the toilet.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54- That's a wee bit of extras, man. - You can't do that!
0:03:54 > 0:03:56It's what the punters want. It's...
0:03:56 > 0:03:58That's illegal. You cannot film a toilet.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59- Oh, come on, it's a good laugh. - Sarah, no!
0:03:59 > 0:04:01- Sarah, don't drop your kecks! - Come on!
0:04:01 > 0:04:02Sarah, don't drop your kecks!
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Come on. Surely, she's your partner -
0:04:04 > 0:04:06you've seen her from that angle before.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07No! I saw it! I saw that!
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- Sarah, I saw it!- It's just...
0:04:09 > 0:04:11No! No, that is wrong on every level.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- That's all...- Sarah... Please, get this off!
0:04:14 > 0:04:15You cannae do that!
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Surely, she's your partner - you've seen that before.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19- It's a good laugh. - No, she's a work partner.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22You, my friend, are under arrest, you Very Important Pervert.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Afterwards, Jack told me the situation,
0:04:25 > 0:04:30that the club owner had put in a CCTV inside the female cubicle.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Everything seems to be fine with the fire escapes.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Yep, everything's fine. We're just going to take him down the station.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37- What's going on?- Er... - Jack, what's wrong?- Oh...
0:04:37 > 0:04:39- Sorry, my hands are wet. - Aye. Yep. Yep. They are.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Yeah, definitely are. So we know that. Let's go.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- VOICEOVER:- It's not often we're caught with our pants down,
0:04:44 > 0:04:48but, in this case, well, he was caught with, well, my pants down.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50I don't understand what I've done wrong.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54I'm just pleased that scum like that, due to our intervention,
0:04:54 > 0:04:56can't run a club any more.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58And I was happy to take one for the team.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Well, do one for the team.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05When the public need the police,
0:05:05 > 0:05:08long-serving desk sergeant Karen Ann Millar
0:05:08 > 0:05:11is the go-to cop the public go to.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Service with a smile is something that I really aspire to,
0:05:14 > 0:05:16and I like to think that my smile is the first thing
0:05:16 > 0:05:19that welcomes someone into the station.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Officer Karen! Officer Karen!
0:05:21 > 0:05:23All right, Officer Karen?
0:05:23 > 0:05:25- Are you all right there? - Aye, I'm all right.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26Officer Karen, look what I found in a skip!
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Whoa, Bobby. You need to take that out.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- I found it in a skip! - You need to go.
0:05:30 > 0:05:31- Sawdust.- Outside, right now. - Sand!
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- Go, go, go!- Have you got milk? Milk?!- Just go, go, go!
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Right, OK. See you. OK, sorry, Officer Karen.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37- Go faster! - FIREWORKS WHISTLE AND POP
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Approachability is my byword, my watch word,
0:05:40 > 0:05:42and sometimes my failing.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Officer Karen...
0:05:46 > 0:05:48..I think I've found some evidence.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Okie dokie, Bobby, give me a second to get my special pad.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54There's a good chance it's just somebody's left something behind,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56but where did you run across it?
0:05:56 > 0:05:59No, somebody ditched it in a hedge down the canal when I was walking.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02I'm sure it'll be nothing. It'll...
0:06:02 > 0:06:03Oh...
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Well done, Bobby.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07OK, you just need to bear with me a couple of minutes,
0:06:07 > 0:06:09I just need to go and get a couple of bits of kit, OK?
0:06:09 > 0:06:13You just stay there for me, and just make sure nobody touches it, OK?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19I just need to get an evidence bag.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25MUFFLED BANG
0:06:25 > 0:06:26HE SPLUTTERS
0:06:28 > 0:06:29Right.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36What did you do, Bobby?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38I never done nothing.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42- You opened the bag, didn't you, Bobby?- Yeah.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45I'm not even going to lie to you, Officer Karen.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46You set off the dye pack.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48I set off the what?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51The dye pack. These bags have dye packs in them.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52Why?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55So when someone who's not meant to open the bag
0:06:55 > 0:06:57opens the bag, they get covered in dye,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00and it makes it really easy for us to find the person that did it
0:07:00 > 0:07:02because the dye doesn't go away for a couple of weeks.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05A couple of weeks?! Are you kidding me on?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08I'm going to be cutting about like a fat Smurf
0:07:08 > 0:07:10for a couple of weeks?
0:07:10 > 0:07:11I'm sorry, Bobby.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Oh, my God.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19I look like a really bad Braveheart.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Just accept the blueness of your life for the next two weeks.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- We've both learned a valuable lesson here today, Bobby.- Yeah.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33When I tell you not to open a bag, you don't touch the bag.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Right. I can see where you're coming from on that one.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- Yeah.- And I'm going to go now.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- DOOR BANGS OPEN - See you later, Officer Karen!
0:07:45 > 0:07:47- WEARILY:- See you later, Bobby. - Bye!
0:07:49 > 0:07:54So we're asking the public, who are our friend, to be aware.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58You know, we want the public to report something to us.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Even if that something turns out to be nothing, still report it.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03You know? So we've got a campaign behind that.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Here's some of the choices.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07"Do something about nothing."
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Um...
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I'm not convinced about that one. Little bit confusing.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Er, "Don't do nothing about something."
0:08:15 > 0:08:17What do you think about that one? I think it...
0:08:17 > 0:08:19I know, I agree, it's a wee bit...
0:08:19 > 0:08:22I think it's the double negative that worries me about that one.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23"Make nothing happen."
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I saw you - instantly, you sunk. It's too downbeat, isn't it?
0:08:28 > 0:08:29Yeah.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30"Do nothing together."
0:08:30 > 0:08:32I like "Do nothing together," I'll tell you. Um...
0:08:32 > 0:08:35But I'm thinking, I don't know, is it a wee bit rom-commy?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37It kind of smells of Sandra Bullock, that one, doesn't it?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39So we won't have that one.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41I think this is the boy for me, frontrunner certainly.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43"Watch out for nothing."
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Because it keeps the "be aware, be alert",
0:08:45 > 0:08:48but also has the keyword of "nothing",
0:08:48 > 0:08:51because, currently, that's what the Scottish Police Force stands for -
0:08:51 > 0:08:52nothing.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56And I stand, front and centre, behind nothing.
0:08:57 > 0:09:03When Scotland sees something, Scotland must say something...
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Police emergency, how can I be of assistance?
0:09:05 > 0:09:08..and the someone they say it to is Maggie LeBeau.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10It's just, if I was kidnapped,
0:09:10 > 0:09:13I think I'd be quite sure that I had been kidnapped.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Speaking to anyone and everyone,
0:09:16 > 0:09:18sorting through everything,
0:09:18 > 0:09:20for something.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Very often, the public don't know the correct terms
0:09:22 > 0:09:24for crimes that they're trying to report.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27So, sometimes, you get someone reporting a thing
0:09:27 > 0:09:31which is not the thing that they think they're reporting.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33No, a hit-and-run is very serious, sir.
0:09:33 > 0:09:34You've done the right thing to call 999.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36We're going to have a unit with you very shortly.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38In the meantime, could you give me
0:09:38 > 0:09:40a description of the vehicle that was involved?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45OK, sir. Um...
0:09:45 > 0:09:48So, a hit-and-run is when someone's hit by a car
0:09:48 > 0:09:50and then the driver flees the scene,
0:09:50 > 0:09:53but a young lad knocking on your door and then running away
0:09:53 > 0:09:55is what we'd call chappy.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Could you appreciate the difference there?
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Out in the country... COW MOOS
0:10:01 > 0:10:04..Charlie McIntosh and Jane Mackay
0:10:04 > 0:10:06are the fearless Wyatt Earps of the wild.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08I'm being chased by a tractor!
0:10:08 > 0:10:12They go off the beaten track to follow the moonshine trail.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13Anyone down there?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16There's swallies in them there valleys.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19This is an actual distillery.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- A what?- This is a distillery.- It doesn't look much like a distillery.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23No, there's a group of guys,
0:10:23 > 0:10:25they used to come up here from the village,
0:10:25 > 0:10:27and they were distilling their own moonshine.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31Yeah, they'd bottle it up. See, all these, and they'd make it,
0:10:31 > 0:10:33they'd ferment anything they can find -
0:10:33 > 0:10:36cabbages, cauliflowers, potatoes, turnips, beetroot -
0:10:36 > 0:10:38mash it all together, ferments, bottle it up.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Like a smoothie?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42- HE PUFFS - Well, a vicious smoothie.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44You know, one that'll blow your head off.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47- Hang on.- What are you doing? - I'm just going to have a wee look.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50No, it's really... Honestly, it's quite, quite severe.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54- Do you want a hit?- I wouldn't. No, well, we're on duty, so...
0:10:54 > 0:10:57- I know, but we need to know that's definitely alcohol...- Yeah.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59- ..before we go looking for people. - Ah, it's not my first...- Go on.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- ..moonshine.- It's just a wee bit. - It's just a wee bit.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- OK... - You're not scared, are you, Charlie?
0:11:05 > 0:11:06HE SCOFFS
0:11:06 > 0:11:08"Moonshine Charlie", that'll be your new name.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Yes. OK.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11- JANE LAUGHS - Mmm.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Charlie, you don't need to actually... No, don't, er...
0:11:16 > 0:11:17HE GASPS
0:11:17 > 0:11:19HE COUGHS
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- Oh, boy...- Strong?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23- Farah, that is...- More?
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Occasionally, you have to take a shot in the line of duty,
0:11:26 > 0:11:28and Charlie did that.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29You're not going to have a wee...?
0:11:29 > 0:11:31- I'm on duty, I don't drink.- What?!
0:11:31 > 0:11:33- Sorry.- Oh, hey...
0:11:33 > 0:11:35- SHE CHUCKLES - Jane...
0:11:35 > 0:11:38We left the bunker where we'd found the home-brew...
0:11:38 > 0:11:40- SLURRING:- Feeling a wee bit woozy, if I'm being completely honest.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Oh, Charlie, come on. Hang on...
0:11:43 > 0:11:45- VOICEOVER:- ..and we stumbled across four postal workers
0:11:45 > 0:11:48who were lying unconscious outside.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Charlie?
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Char...? Charlie!
0:11:52 > 0:11:53Charlie!
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Charlie was also unconscious.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58I nearly had to give him mouth-to-mouth,
0:11:58 > 0:12:00but I called for an ambulance,
0:12:00 > 0:12:03and, luckily, the paramedics arrived very quickly
0:12:03 > 0:12:04- so it didn't need to come to that. - Yeah...
0:12:04 > 0:12:07- Charlie.- Jane, Jane, Jane...
0:12:07 > 0:12:11- That is my name. - # Jane, Jane, Jane! #
0:12:11 > 0:12:14The home-brew stuff, you have to understand,
0:12:14 > 0:12:20is particularly potent, and, yes, I fell victim to the devil drink.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22He's got blue hands!
0:12:22 > 0:12:23It hit me hard.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26I don't really remember what happened afterwards. I just...
0:12:26 > 0:12:31Hopefully, didn't embarrass myself or humiliate myself in any way.
0:12:31 > 0:12:32Not at all. Not at all.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33It's a kissing gate.
0:12:33 > 0:12:34Nope.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36- HE MAKES KISSING SOUNDS - Nope.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38You booze, you lose...
0:12:39 > 0:12:42..your dignity, opportunities,
0:12:42 > 0:12:45and quite a lot of your bladder, unfortunately.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Jane... Jane, I love you!
0:12:48 > 0:12:49Hey...
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Oh, it's like the TARDIS.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56A lot of people are claiming to be the fourth emergency service.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00You know, you've got your AA, the coastguard claim it's them.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Honestly, I know a few stoners who claim that Domino's delivery pizza
0:13:03 > 0:13:05is the fourth emergency service, you know?
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Um, I guess it's all context. Isn't it?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10I mean, if you're drowning,
0:13:10 > 0:13:14then I guess the coastguard becomes the first emergency service.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Although, you know, just so you know, we can do that too.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20We can be there for you. You know, we've got frogmen. So...
0:13:20 > 0:13:24I think, more important debate is what's your one, two, three?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Now, taking them... Obviously, the police is one. We know that.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Firemen, now, listen, if you're going to praise the firemen,
0:13:31 > 0:13:34you get behind me in the queue, OK?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Cos those boys are the bravest boys you're going to meet,
0:13:36 > 0:13:38but they don't work that often, let's be...
0:13:38 > 0:13:40let's be honest about it.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43It's a lot of cleaning that van, a lot of ping-pong.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44We've got a phrase in this game -
0:13:44 > 0:13:48"show me a fireman that isn't good at Scrabble", you know what I mean?
0:13:48 > 0:13:51That's the downside of those boys. Then you've got your ambulance.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Brilliant boys. First responders, OK?
0:13:54 > 0:13:57That's you onto the scene first. When we arrive on the scene,
0:13:57 > 0:13:59and go, "What happened here? Did the big bam hit the wee bam?"
0:13:59 > 0:14:01they go, "Oh, no, it's nothing. We just treat...
0:14:01 > 0:14:05"They're all humans to us." Imagine if we did that in court.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08"Oh, it doesn't matter, we're all born equal."
0:14:08 > 0:14:10We're not going to get anywhere.
0:14:10 > 0:14:15So, weighing it all up, I would say, first place, police,
0:14:15 > 0:14:18second place, police,
0:14:18 > 0:14:20third place, fire and ambulance jointly.
0:14:21 > 0:14:26Virtual crime needs a real crime-fighter.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Archie Pepper, cyberspace bam hunter.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32I've been made Employee Of The Month.
0:14:32 > 0:14:33Again.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Who else are you going to pick?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36They should have given it to the computer system, really.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38That's... It does all the work.
0:14:38 > 0:14:43Archie's doing right by swiping right on the nation's wrong'uns.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Sometimes, for more serious crimes,
0:14:45 > 0:14:48the perpetrators, they want to go underground.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Now, that obviously makes it more difficult for me,
0:14:50 > 0:14:51but not impossible.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54I'd say the most successful method
0:14:54 > 0:14:58is to pose as someone on a dating website or app,
0:14:58 > 0:15:04cos you might be underground, but you still want to have sex, and...
0:15:04 > 0:15:07..though I am not going to have sex with you,
0:15:07 > 0:15:09I can pretend to be someone
0:15:09 > 0:15:12who can pretend to want to have sex with you.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14I don't have to have sex with them.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Right? I want to make that very clear.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19I'm still an investigator. I never leave the desk.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25This is me creating my online dating profile to lure Tony Peterson,
0:15:25 > 0:15:28the local gang kingpin.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32The way I do that, usually just pick an attractive woman.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34I don't know if you've looked on the internet -
0:15:34 > 0:15:36there's quite a few on there.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39I'm going for this one. Classic bikini shot.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Doesn't really matter if it's, like, a professionally-taken picture.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44They don't seem to realise the difference between...
0:15:44 > 0:15:48I mean, I've been to East Kilbride and I've not seen her.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50So name? Go..."Emma".
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Three of my ex-girlfriends are called Emma.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57You can read into that what you want.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Pick an age. Er, 26?
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Appeals across the board -
0:16:01 > 0:16:0218-years-olds think they've got a chance.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05They don't, but... Well, they do with her, cos it's me.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Interests? Interests is good to keep vague.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Basically, people think they've got a connection.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Like, if you say, "I like going to the cinema" -
0:16:11 > 0:16:12"I like going to the cinema!"
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Like, everyone likes going to the cinema, mate.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18There he is, Tony Peterson.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19"You look hot, baby."
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Return the flirting. Um...
0:16:23 > 0:16:26I don't even bother with words most of the time, it's a waste of energy.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30I just... Emojis. The non-thinking man's words.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Let's just do four random emojis.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Straightaway, "Want to go out?"
0:16:34 > 0:16:35Yes, I do, Tony.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39I do want to go out with you, but not the way you think, sir.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Maybe... You just basically pick a location for the date.
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Cinema would be great.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45And then I'll just send the officers round there,
0:16:45 > 0:16:49handcuff the guy, in the jail.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51And he certainly won't see Emma88.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54You are not going to Nando's, Tony.
0:16:55 > 0:17:00In the Force, there's no better personification of dedication
0:17:00 > 0:17:03than long-standing Volunteer Officer Ken Beattie.
0:17:03 > 0:17:08This...! Police! Argh! This is a bust!
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Ken is still chasing his dream
0:17:10 > 0:17:14of one day becoming an actual police constable.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18At this stage, I've lost count of the amount of times I've applied.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20You know, um... Got a lot of rejection over the years, but...
0:17:22 > 0:17:23..it's my dream,
0:17:23 > 0:17:25so I've always kept going with it.
0:17:25 > 0:17:31Also, I applied to work at Bargain Warehouse just as a backup.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35"Thank you for attending the recent interview for Store Assistant.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38"Regret to inform you that, after careful consideration,
0:17:38 > 0:17:40"you're no longer being considered."
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Bargain Warehouse didn't want me.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Andrew Turley works at that Bargain Warehouse,
0:17:52 > 0:17:54and let me tell you about Andrew Turley,
0:17:54 > 0:17:57OK? He once took a jobbie in the playground.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58His mum eats soap.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Now he's serving people and I can't.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06Very next day, I received my letter from the police.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10And I was... Opened it, and I thought,
0:18:10 > 0:18:12"If Bargain Warehouse don't want me,
0:18:12 > 0:18:14"there's no way the police want me."
0:18:14 > 0:18:16But they did! Ha-ha!
0:18:16 > 0:18:18I'm a real policeman!
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Finally! Eh?!
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Police Constable Ken Beattie.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Ever since I was a wee boy,
0:18:30 > 0:18:32all I ever wanted was to be a real policeman...
0:18:34 > 0:18:35..and now I am one.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37HE SNIFFS
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Morning, Hamish.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41So, now I'm on two years probationary.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44How do I forward it? Do you just come over here, or...?
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Er, no. Just press transfer.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Transfer.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49You've got an image in your mind
0:18:49 > 0:18:51of what you think it's going to be like.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54And how do you put it on hold, Hamish? Is there a...?
0:18:54 > 0:18:55- Sorry.- You just hit hold.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58But it's even a million times better than that.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- Hold, transfer... - DISCONNECT TONE
0:19:01 > 0:19:03..and then I can...
0:19:03 > 0:19:04I've not pressed hold.
0:19:05 > 0:19:06Hello?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08You know, and essentially what I'm doing now,
0:19:08 > 0:19:10I'm just like a volunteer officer.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Excuse me, young lady.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Do you mind putting that in the bin, please?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Except I actually get paid, and people listen to me.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22This was my dream job, and it always has been.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24I-I can't tell you how happy it makes me, you know?
0:19:24 > 0:19:27I run into work, skipping and jumping.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Not literally, because that would look weird,
0:19:30 > 0:19:33a real policeman skipping into work.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36But every day, in my head...
0:19:38 > 0:19:40..I am skipping.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45When collecting clues to crack the toughest cases,
0:19:45 > 0:19:48the Scottish Police Force counts on the detectives
0:19:48 > 0:19:51of its Criminal Investigation Department.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53- I'm DC Squire.- I'm DC McGill.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56These sleuths unearth the truths.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58- Is that the McGann case files? - That's them, yeah.- Thanks.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00He never looks at me.
0:20:00 > 0:20:05And as DC Andrea McGill is learning from her partner, Megan Squire,
0:20:05 > 0:20:10it's a steep learning curve as you wise up to being streetwise.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13I think what I've learned from DC Squire can't actually be taught.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15It's something that I think you learn on the job,
0:20:15 > 0:20:16and that's people skills.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18I'm just going to record the interview
0:20:18 > 0:20:20for the purpose of the tape.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Just to remind you once more, you are under caution.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25This suspect was brought in, he was found at a raid, from...
0:20:25 > 0:20:28A lot of stolen goods were found at this warehouse raid.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30DC Squire isn't here at the moment,
0:20:30 > 0:20:32so I'm just going to start the interview.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Unfortunately, I was actually looking at evidence from that raid,
0:20:34 > 0:20:37and McGill had to take the questioning herself.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Could I please take your full name?
0:20:39 > 0:20:40- RAPIDLY:- Col'n Bert'm.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Sorry, what?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45I says to you - Col'n Bert'm.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47I couldn't understand a word he said.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- Col'n Bert'm.- I'm getting...
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Col'n Bert'm.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54To be fair, McGill was very much up against it, you know?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56I managed to get his first name.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Colin... Colin Bear?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Bear?! No, I'm a Cel'ic man. Cel'ic man.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Hail, hail! Cel'ic man.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Let's... Let's just go with Colin for now.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06The riverside warehouse on the 19th of March, can I just ask,
0:21:06 > 0:21:08first of all, what you were doing there?
0:21:08 > 0:21:10'S'like I says, 's'like I says to 'em,
0:21:10 > 0:21:12all right, I wun't e'en mean'ta be there la'er.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15It was th' start o' it. I was only mean'ta be at th' star', right?
0:21:15 > 0:21:17but they's all shoutin' in the text an' all.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19It wasnae a text - you know that WhatsApp?
0:21:19 > 0:21:22- This was like...high-level bam talk.- Totally.- It was full-on.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25SHE GABBLES INCOHERENTLY
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- WhatsApp, says like that... - Colin, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30- I was mean'ta be workin'... - I'm going to need to stop you.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Can we just start...? Just a little bit slower?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34I'm literally focusing right in on those lips?
0:21:34 > 0:21:36- Just start one more time. - Right. Here's the thing, right?
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Thing is...can make it. Sa'urdays maist of the time...
0:21:39 > 0:21:41And my wee dug, know what I mean?
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Wee dug, you know, like a wee Shih-Tzu.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48I don't... Have you ever played charades? Charades?
0:21:48 > 0:21:51It's like you know how you do the film or the book, or the...
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Yeah, need to do two syllables like that.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- Well, you do...- Wee syllable, like that.- Aye. You could.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57My uncle can't do that, he's a junkie.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00I tried blinking, I tried writing it down, I tried charades.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03At one point, I even got him to draw, you know, like, a picture,
0:22:03 > 0:22:06like they did on Art Attack, but, unfortunately,
0:22:06 > 0:22:07I couldn't get any further.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Hi, there. For the benefit of the tape,
0:22:09 > 0:22:11joining the interview is myself, DC Squire.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- Squire, I've had...- With your hands.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15I've had a wee... We've had a wee bit of a...
0:22:15 > 0:22:17What's the matter? You look rattled.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19I'm absolutely... I'm sweating buckets.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21He was pretty indecipherable, to be honest.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23It was pretty difficult, even for me,
0:22:23 > 0:22:25and I'm used to doing it all the time. I'm used to the bam talk.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Right, it's OK. So what's his name? Let's get started.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29- Col'n Bert'm.- I've got Colin.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Colin Bertram.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Mm-hm. Age?
0:22:32 > 0:22:33HE MUTTERS
0:22:33 > 0:22:3525. Smashing.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Now, you know why you're here, Mr Bertram?
0:22:37 > 0:22:38You've got this down haven't you, at least?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40- I couldn't get further than his name.- Well,
0:22:40 > 0:22:42I've been looking at the stolen goods
0:22:42 > 0:22:44- we retrieved from the raid that we were at.- Like,
0:22:44 > 0:22:47nothin' do wi' me. Thought it was jus' cash in haun'.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49That's what we thought. So we'll just put that down here.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51How are you getting any of this?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53It's just the bam chat. Just tune your ear in.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55There is a wee bit of reputation that goes around the station -
0:22:55 > 0:22:57she is called the Bam-Whisperer.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59It's like a sixth sense, almost.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01And who else? Could you give us names of your accomplices?
0:23:01 > 0:23:05- Well, my big pal, wi' the WhatsApp, my big pal.- We know him.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08- His bra'r, Big Marco... - Who?- Big Marco.- Oh, Big Marco.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10- How are you getting anything? - It's his bra'r.- It's...
0:23:10 > 0:23:12- It's his bra'r.- His bra'r. - His bra'r.
0:23:12 > 0:23:13- It's his bra'r.- His bra'r.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15- His what?- His bra'r. Do that. Bra'r.- Bra'r?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Yeah, it's all about learning, it's all about growing,
0:23:17 > 0:23:19and we learn the lingo.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21It's like when you go to Spain on holiday,
0:23:21 > 0:23:22you do a wee bit of homework,
0:23:22 > 0:23:24you learn a wee bit of the local lingo, you know?
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Your gracias, your buenos noches.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27So we learn the Scottish chat.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29All right, troops, what's happening?
0:23:29 > 0:23:33And when they start to bam us up, we just bang them up.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36On the road to hell,
0:23:36 > 0:23:39traffic officers Hugh McKirdy and Surjit Singh
0:23:39 > 0:23:42are a combination made in heaven.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44I think we're a cracking team together.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47I would actually compare us a wee bit to a McFlurry.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49You know, I'm the, kind of softer, sweeter, smoother,
0:23:49 > 0:23:51ice cream part - he's the biscuit bit, the rough, tough,
0:23:51 > 0:23:54and harder bit, and once they're mixed together, it's absolutely...
0:23:54 > 0:23:56what a combination. Beautiful.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59And these ice-cool cops get whipped up
0:23:59 > 0:24:03when they see a driver has whipped out his mobile phone.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Still on it, look.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Sort him out.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07My colleague, PC Hugh McKirdy here,
0:24:07 > 0:24:09went out to talk to the young gentleman.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Right, sir, I'm going to need to get you to come out of the car.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13I know, I know, I know, but, listen, I'm just on hold.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16I'm just waiting to see if I'm going to be on the radio.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17I don't care.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19The driver was reluctant to put his phone down.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22It turns out he was waiting to get on the Jeremy B £200 quiz,
0:24:22 > 0:24:25and everybody and their dog's talking about it,
0:24:25 > 0:24:28and I've actually tried myself to get through and do the quiz.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29JEREMY B: Today's lucky caller is Bruce.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Let's hear the first legend.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35MUSIC: We Like To Party by The Vengaboys
0:24:35 > 0:24:36What are you doing?
0:24:36 > 0:24:38It's only Jeremy B, ScotiaFM, for the £200.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40JEREMY B: Name the song and the act.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43We Like To Party (The Vengabus) by the Vengaboys.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45- Correct.- Yes!- Well done, mate.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Naturally, when the questions began to be asked,
0:24:48 > 0:24:52we were there, and we provided our knowledge on music.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- # Come on, Barbie, let's go party - Ah, ah, ah, yeah
0:24:55 > 0:24:59# I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world
0:24:59 > 0:25:01# Life is plastic... #
0:25:01 > 0:25:04JEREMY B: What was the name of the Scandinavian pop combo's
0:25:04 > 0:25:07number one follow-up single?
0:25:07 > 0:25:08- Oh, um...- Doctor Jones.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Doctor Jones!
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Is the correct answer!
0:25:11 > 0:25:12Yes!
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Let's make things a tiny bit trickier.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16Listen to this.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19MUSIC: Fight The Power by Public Enemy
0:25:19 > 0:25:21# Our freedom of speech is freedom or death
0:25:21 > 0:25:23# We've got to fight the power... #
0:25:23 > 0:25:24Is this your jam?
0:25:24 > 0:25:26# Fight the power! #
0:25:26 > 0:25:27Are you into all that?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Fight the power now and again. Yeah.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Which member of Public Enemy is famous for performing onstage
0:25:32 > 0:25:35with a great big clock around his neck?
0:25:35 > 0:25:38- Flava Flav.- Flava Flav! - I don't know, is it?
0:25:38 > 0:25:39That's right!
0:25:39 > 0:25:40Whoa-ho! What are you all about?
0:25:40 > 0:25:43You knew some of the answers, I knew some of the answers.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44# I made up my mind... #
0:25:44 > 0:25:46She had a really high beehive and that in the video.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49A bit of a team effort.
0:25:49 > 0:25:501997.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51Absolutely right!
0:25:51 > 0:25:53MUSIC: American Idiot by Green Day
0:25:54 > 0:25:57# Can't live... #
0:25:57 > 0:26:00- It's a sad one, this. - Aye, it is. It is a sad song.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01# Can't live any more... #
0:26:01 > 0:26:04DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- Can you do that?- No. He looks like he's having a seizure.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17- Calvin Harris.- Calvin Harris.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19That is the one.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21It's "I Stop It, You Sing It".
0:26:21 > 0:26:27# Anybody find me... #
0:26:27 > 0:26:34# Somebody to lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ove! #
0:26:34 > 0:26:38Well done! You are indeed a pop legend.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39THEY CHEER
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Well done. Well done.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43A prize of 200 smackeroonies.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Yes, well done.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46He actually won the £200.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49- Congratulations. Congratulations. - Oh, wow, thank you.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Congratulations, old boy.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51Actually, we were delighted for the guy.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54That's what people like to see, is the police helping the community,
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- and that's what it was, it was unity in the community.- There you go.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00- Unity in the community. Team! - Aye, indeed. Team!- Boom!- Boom!
0:27:00 > 0:27:03- I need to get you in the back of the car.- Aye.- How?
0:27:03 > 0:27:07As soon as the show was over, we were back to business.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09- Lovely moment, but we need to go discuss it.- Yeah, please.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10Oh, you're joking.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13And he had his day in court, and, at the end of the day,
0:27:13 > 0:27:17it all balanced out because his fine was £200.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20I've got in my hand here, a letter from a human rights campaigner.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23And, er... Objecting to the force's use of Tasers
0:27:23 > 0:27:26in the fight against crime. There you go, right there.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30Well, I'm afraid the Taser is an integral part of the police force.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32But, no, they're very vocal.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36"We don't like this, human rights," etc, etc, you know?
0:27:36 > 0:27:39I tell you, they're not so vocal when someone breaks into their place
0:27:39 > 0:27:41and takes a dump in their Aga.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42What you've got to do with these people,
0:27:42 > 0:27:44you've got to call their bluff.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47I'm about to be tasered, to prove once and for all
0:27:47 > 0:27:52that being tasered is safe, and the pain is brief and momentary.
0:27:54 > 0:27:55In your own time.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59- ELECTRICAL ZAPPING - Argh, you- BLEEP!
0:27:59 > 0:28:01- Ow!- BLEEP!
0:28:01 > 0:28:04- Argh! Argh!- BLEEP!
0:28:04 > 0:28:06- Oh,- BLEEP!
0:28:06 > 0:28:10- Oh, my- BLEEP! - My- BLEEP's- on fire!
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Make it stop! Make it stop!
0:28:12 > 0:28:15- BREATHLESSLY: - Right, I hope that's...
0:28:15 > 0:28:17..finally put this nonsense to bed.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22It's perfectly safe, getting tasered.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Still a wee bit wobbly. I think it's low blood sugar more than anything.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Jean?
0:28:28 > 0:28:31Jean, have you still got the Christmas Quality Street?