0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains strong language
0:00:06 > 0:00:08Welcome to a night of comedy at the Edinburgh Festival.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Also home to theatre, ballet, opera -
0:00:10 > 0:00:12if you're into that sort of thing.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Personally, I couldn't think of anything worse.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17We're coming to you from The Caves, deep under the streets of Edinburgh.
0:00:17 > 0:00:22This is the dark, damp and murky heart of the Edinburgh Festival.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25These caves have a rich and fascinating history...
0:00:25 > 0:00:28probably, I mean, I don't know. Google it or something.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Tens of thousands of comedians come from all around the world
0:00:31 > 0:00:35to perform here - some in tiny rooms, some not even in rooms!
0:00:35 > 0:00:37That's what's amazing about this festival.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39It can just be you and three other audience members
0:00:39 > 0:00:42watching a man do stand-up in a fudge shop.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45That man would then go on to play the O2 Arena.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Well, he probably won't, he's probably just a nutter. Probably.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Be lucky to end up working in the O2 shop.
0:00:51 > 0:00:56Now, I bring you a selection of the freshest, funniest,
0:00:56 > 0:00:59most fantastic comedians this festival has to offer.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03Welcome to the Late Night Comedy Spectacular!
0:01:03 > 0:01:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Fantastic crowd! Look at this!
0:01:15 > 0:01:16Brilliant!
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Hello, Edinburgh!
0:01:22 > 0:01:24CHEERING
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Good. So, are you enjoying the Festival?
0:01:27 > 0:01:28- ALL:- Yes!
0:01:28 > 0:01:32The Edinburgh Festival, this is the launch pad for some of the biggest names in comedy.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33Michael McIntyre!
0:01:33 > 0:01:34- ALL:- Woo!
0:01:34 > 0:01:37- AS MICHAEL MCINTYRE:- It's good to be here. We like it in Edinburgh.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40We love The Caves, we love the caves, it's incredible.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43We love The Caves. There's WHISKY in The Caves, WINE! We love wine.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Batman! INCREDIBLE!
0:01:46 > 0:01:51- AS KEVIN BRIDGES:- Back in the day when telephone boxes were only 10p!
0:01:51 > 0:01:54LAUGHTER
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Not just big names at this festival, is it?
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Street performers out on the street. Have you seen these guys?
0:02:03 > 0:02:05I love our reaction to these guys.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08We all do the same thing - British people especially.
0:02:08 > 0:02:13If you're walking down the street, you'll see the street performer, I saw one a week ago,
0:02:13 > 0:02:17a man on stilts with three chainsaws juggling.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Everyone gathers around, "Look at that, that is incredible, isn't it?
0:02:20 > 0:02:24"Wow, it's brilliant. Ready to... Oh, dangerous! Is he going to fall?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26"Wow, such admiration. Is he finished?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28"Oh, it's the big finish! That is incredible!"
0:02:28 > 0:02:31As soon as that man says, "If you just leave a pound in the hat..."
0:02:31 > 0:02:33"Fuck off, see you later!
0:02:33 > 0:02:36"I want nothing to do with this. Get a real job, dickhead."
0:02:37 > 0:02:39When I've been walking around the festival,
0:02:39 > 0:02:42what I mainly get as I walk round, all I really hear is...
0:02:42 > 0:02:43HE WHISPERS
0:02:45 > 0:02:47"(Justin Lee Collins.)"
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- HE WHISPERS - "(Justin Lee Collins.)"
0:02:51 > 0:02:54It's a beard, I think. It's the beard, I hope.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Beard, long hair, beard combo.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00It's a strange combo, the long-haired beard combo,
0:03:00 > 0:03:05cos it means from behind I look like Sarah Jessica Parker. Doesn't it?
0:03:07 > 0:03:11And from the front I look like anyone that just got back from Thailand.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15You get called a lot of names with this look.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18People just walk past me and shout things, "JESUS!"
0:03:18 > 0:03:20"Aslan!"
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Someone said I looked like the girl from Outnumbered...
0:03:24 > 0:03:27if she had a sex change AND a breakdown.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Robin Williams halfway through Jumanji.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37My own mate said I looked like the lead singer of Nickelback,
0:03:37 > 0:03:39when on the line-up on Never Mind the Buzzcocks,
0:03:39 > 0:03:42I'd be one of the ones he wasn't.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48But I think you can tell a lot from someone's look.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50I mean, you can tell from looking at me
0:03:50 > 0:03:54that, you know, I don't really get stuff done.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56I mean, just look at my head, I'm not one of those guys...
0:03:56 > 0:03:58I'm not a proactive person.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00You know these people, proactive people, they are out there.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04The sort of people that when a light bulb goes they change it.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08You know these people? So I'm more, sort of...
0:04:08 > 0:04:11HE CLICKS
0:04:11 > 0:04:14"Ugh, I'll just live in the dark until I move house."
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Proactive people, not just active, proactive.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22"Yay, active, woo! Yeah!"
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Usually got an iPhone strapped to their arm.
0:04:24 > 0:04:30"Look at that, active! Jogging! Blood pressure! Calories! Woo!"
0:04:30 > 0:04:32I'm only active by mistake, you know?
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Like, when I remember I'm running a bath.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39"Bollocks, Jesus Christ! Quickly! Quickly!
0:04:39 > 0:04:42"Oh, thank Christ for that. Oh, Jesus."
0:04:42 > 0:04:43I've always had this attitude.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47You know, I used to be, I used to be quite a healthy young lad.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Big fan of football. Big fan of football.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52I was actually quite good but...
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Now, I can't do it now.
0:04:54 > 0:04:5690 minutes of running around?
0:04:56 > 0:04:57HE EXHALES
0:04:57 > 0:05:01Are you kidding me? I'm fucked after a baguette.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03That's my exercise now. The baguette.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Just going, "Mm, no, I'm done. Leave me alone. I can't see.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09"I don't know who I am. Help me."
0:05:09 > 0:05:13The closest I get to football is when I'm walking through a park
0:05:13 > 0:05:17and a group of guys are playing football in the distance,
0:05:17 > 0:05:20kick out of their imaginary pitch, and the ball comes towards me,
0:05:20 > 0:05:23and I have to kick it back.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25It's a terrifying moment, I think you'll agree.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Like, the ball they hit, "Oi, mate!"
0:05:27 > 0:05:31"Oh, God. Oh, no. Please, someone else deal with this. Please."
0:05:31 > 0:05:33When you just hope that someone else is there?
0:05:33 > 0:05:34Like, when you're hung-over
0:05:34 > 0:05:37and you see a woman trying to carry a pram up the stairs.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41Going, "Someone else deal with this, Please. I can't handle this. Please, please."
0:05:41 > 0:05:44"Oi, mate!" I'm thinking, "Maybe they don't mean me. Maybe it's not me?"
0:05:44 > 0:05:45"Oi, mate!" "Just ignore it."
0:05:45 > 0:05:49"Justin!" "Definitely me. OK, fine. All right, good."
0:05:49 > 0:05:52"Give us the ball! On the head, on the head! Not to him, to me."
0:05:52 > 0:05:53All of them shouting at me.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Thinking, "Oh, God. Oh, God, I've got to do this.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58"Right, how am I going to...? Oh, God, I don't want to look stupid.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02"I don't bend as much as I used to. I mainly crack now. Oh, God.
0:06:02 > 0:06:03"I have to give this back.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06"Come on, Seann, you can do this like you used to."
0:06:09 > 0:06:13MUSIC: "Nessun dorma" by Giacomo Puccini
0:07:46 > 0:07:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for my first guest?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57- ALL:- Yeah!
0:07:57 > 0:08:01You may know this man from sitcoms Friday Night Dinner and Plebs,
0:08:01 > 0:08:05what you may not know is that he is also a fantastic stand-up.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Go wild for Tom Rosenthal!
0:08:08 > 0:08:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:16 > 0:08:20Hello! Hello, Caves! I'm sorry for barging through all those people.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22You thought I was just some prick, didn't you?
0:08:22 > 0:08:24I'm not, I'm supposed to be here. Honestly!
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Anyway, hello, how are you? Are you well?
0:08:27 > 0:08:30CHEERING Having fun, Edinburgh? Delightful.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Well, it is an honour to be here for you and BBC Three.
0:08:34 > 0:08:40Oh, just as a warning, this is how I sound. This is my voice.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43This is the sound that comes out of my head. I'm sorry, I can't control it.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46I'm going to sound like this for the whole time.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48I've just realised, it's just not a very human sound.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50You know what I mean? It's a bit, "Meh!"
0:08:50 > 0:08:53I've got the voice of a very intelligent sheep.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56You've just got to just get, just get used to it.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Also, my accent is a bit odd.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00It is, sort of, like, half London, half Berkshire, sort of, fused.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Half posh, half not posh, you know.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05I've got the voice of someone who would own horses
0:09:05 > 0:09:08but I'd make them fight for gambling purposes. That's my...
0:09:08 > 0:09:11I'd eat a pheasant from KFC. That's my voice.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13It's lovely to be here, Edinburgh.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16My show this year is about going to Bulgaria, really.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20I went there to film this thing I was in called Plebs, as Seann mentioned.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24- Wahey!- One fan in. Thank you very much. I love Bulgaria.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27It's just so different out there, ain't it, man?
0:09:27 > 0:09:29They've got two types of cheese.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36Just let that settle on an Edinburgh fringe middle-class trip. Cheese.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40The two cheeses you can get are white cheese and yellow cheese.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43That is, honestly. A Bulgarian will separate cheese into those two...
0:09:43 > 0:09:48Mozzarella - white cheese, Edam - yellow cheese, Stilton - not cheese.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51That's how they do it! In this country we got the quattro formaggio
0:09:51 > 0:09:54but that is four cheeses on one pizza.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56We've got more cheese on one 12-inch space
0:09:56 > 0:09:59than they've got in 42,000 square miles, it's ridiculous!
0:09:59 > 0:10:01It's just because they're new to capitalism, right?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04So they're bad capitalists and then got less shit to compete over.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07They've got, like, 12 songs. Honestly, 12 songs.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Two Destiny's Child, two Black Eyed Peas, two Michael Jackson
0:10:10 > 0:10:13and then six by Celine Dion. That's...
0:10:13 > 0:10:14It's like they've got to Now 36
0:10:14 > 0:10:17and gone, "Oh, well, that's music. That'll do us."
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Comedy is the same, man.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22I had a conversation with the waiter, I was like, "Any stand-up comedy in Bulgaria?"
0:10:22 > 0:10:25He goes, "Yes, there is a comedian."
0:10:27 > 0:10:28I went, "Any good?"
0:10:28 > 0:10:29He goes, "No..."
0:10:32 > 0:10:33"..but..."
0:10:34 > 0:10:36"..he is the comedian."
0:10:40 > 0:10:43I had so much fun out there, though. Danny Dyer was in it for a bit.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Do you know Danny Dyer? Yeah? He's, like, an actor.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48He's LIKE an actor.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49I loved him so much.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52He rose to prominence in the '90s classic Human Traffic,
0:10:52 > 0:10:55where he played, like, a drug-taking cockney and then, of course,
0:10:55 > 0:10:59The Football Factory, where he played, like, a drug-taking cockney,
0:10:59 > 0:11:03and then the film Outlaw, where he played a pre-op transsexual.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07No, he was a drug-taking cockney! I love him and he's incredible.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10He's too much cockney for one man. Cockney squared, all right?
0:11:10 > 0:11:13The first, conversation I had with him, we were in a lift and he went,
0:11:13 > 0:11:18and he kissed me on both cheeks, and just went, "Sweet dreams, son."
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Just going to kill me or fuck me? How am I supposed to deal with that?!
0:11:21 > 0:11:23And he just makes these sounds all the time as well.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Just like, "Wou-ua-a-a-ah."
0:11:26 > 0:11:29"Wou-u-a-ah!" It's like Danny Dyer grammar, that is, basically.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Like, "Wou-ua-a-a-ah," is a comma. "Wou..."
0:11:31 > 0:11:32And he asks a question, as well.
0:11:32 > 0:11:38Would just be like, "Er, ph-woua-ah, know what I mean, Tom?"
0:11:39 > 0:11:43"No. You sound like a '90s modem, how can I know what do you mean?
0:11:43 > 0:11:47"There is no content to any of this."
0:11:47 > 0:11:52I had to do, like, a naked scene with Danny Dyer, so I saw it. Yeah.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55I saw Danny's Dyer. I saw it.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58And there's, you know, it's...
0:11:58 > 0:12:01"Ah!" Is big. Big penis.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04I don't know how to say that.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06I don't want to be crass but in the competition between mine
0:12:06 > 0:12:09and his genitalia I finished third, you know I mean?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11There's just lots going on but it's just weird
0:12:11 > 0:12:15because he wasn't happy with how big it looked, for some reason?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17So, like, when we were filming, it wasn't going to get shown on TV
0:12:17 > 0:12:23but there was, like, a female member of crew and she just kept, like...
0:12:23 > 0:12:24Yeah...
0:12:24 > 0:12:29kept, like, manipulating it to look bigger.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31If anything, I'll tell you about Danny,
0:12:31 > 0:12:33is at one point he grabbed his own penis, right,
0:12:33 > 0:12:37he looked down at it and he went,
0:12:37 > 0:12:40"Get a stiffer you fucking mug!"
0:12:40 > 0:12:43To is own penis and he started helicoptering it around, like that.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Helico... I couldn't even do that!
0:12:45 > 0:12:48I couldn't get the centrifugal force to make mine go around.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52It starts making a sound! It starts blowing scripts everywhere.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55It's freezing, he's air conditioning the set now! It's all in my hair!
0:12:55 > 0:12:57I'm standing there like the fucking Earth going...
0:12:57 > 0:13:00HE SHOUTS THE EARTH SONG
0:13:01 > 0:13:05All the Bulgarians are like, "Michael Jackson, I like!" You know, it was ridiculous.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09Thank you so much. Have a wonderful Edinburgh. I've been Tom Rosenthal, enjoy The Cave. Thank you.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:14 > 0:13:18That was Tom Rosenthal! Now, follow me! Come through.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21We leave The Caves bit, we're going through The Caves,
0:13:21 > 0:13:24we're now going into a bar. I feel like I'm hosting Crystal Maze.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28- Hello, everyone! Yes! - THEY CHEER
0:13:28 > 0:13:29"YEAH!"
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Erm, now, you'll hear comedians say a lot of the time,
0:13:32 > 0:13:35"Oh, this next guy's a close personal friend of mine,"
0:13:35 > 0:13:38but this next by actually is a close personal friend of mine.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41It's the wonderful Marlon Davis!
0:13:41 > 0:13:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Hello!
0:13:46 > 0:13:47Woo-hoo!
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Good evening!
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- ALL:- Hey. - Hiya, Edinburgh. Yes.
0:13:54 > 0:13:59First things first, what you can see is I've got this face, all right?
0:13:59 > 0:14:03And people say, "This isn't a face of authority at all, is it?"
0:14:03 > 0:14:05It's not!
0:14:05 > 0:14:08It's like, I couldn't be your boss at work.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Like, "Why are you late? Come on now."
0:14:11 > 0:14:13I've got a round face.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17I grew up in a council estate, I couldn't rob no-one.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20I tried! I was like, I was like, "Yo, give me your money!",
0:14:20 > 0:14:26He was like, "Come on now. You look like Kenan & Kel, come on."
0:14:26 > 0:14:28"I'm SERIOUS!" "Course you are."
0:14:28 > 0:14:31There's nothing gangster when you're trying to rob people
0:14:31 > 0:14:34and they're pinching your cheeks. That's not the one, is it?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36So I had to go out and get a real job.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Make some noise if you got a job. CHEERING
0:14:38 > 0:14:39It's great having a job
0:14:39 > 0:14:43- but you have annoying people at your workplace, don't you?- Yay!- Eh?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45See, there's some of them in here right now.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49Yeah, if you don't have annoying people at work, right, it's YOU!
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Right, you're the one at work that everyone hates.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55And they always say they're leaving, "I'm leave..."
0:14:55 > 0:15:00"Well, fucking leave! You've been saying that for the last ten years!
0:15:00 > 0:15:02"Everyone in this place hates you.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06"Even the seat you sit on is like, 'Why do I get this arsehole, why?' "
0:15:06 > 0:15:07That's what it is.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09I used to work in an office before I did this
0:15:09 > 0:15:13and I'll tell you what used to annoy me the most was birthdays.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14Couldn't stand birthdays.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Not the fact that it's someone's birthday,
0:15:16 > 0:15:18it's just the big hoo-ha in the office.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Cos they come round your work station like they are ninjas.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Like... HE HUMS
0:15:26 > 0:15:30"What?" "You need to put a pound in the envelope for Karen."
0:15:34 > 0:15:35"Who the fuck is Karen?!"
0:15:37 > 0:15:40"She works downstairs. Quickly, sign the card..."
0:15:43 > 0:15:46"..before she comes back from lunch, it's a surprise."
0:15:46 > 0:15:47It's not a surprise!
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Everyone in a workplace gets a birthday card on their birthday,
0:15:50 > 0:15:52don't they? That's not a surprise.
0:15:52 > 0:15:57A surprise would be if the boss came out and did a shit on her desk.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01It would be disgusting but you'd remember that day for ever, innit?
0:16:02 > 0:16:05We got people in here in relationships? CHEERING
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Relationships are good, right?
0:16:07 > 0:16:10But I think to myself it's a little but overrated.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12It is, you've got that first stage of love
0:16:12 > 0:16:15where they're all kissy, kissy, kissy, mwah, mwah all right?
0:16:15 > 0:16:16You've got the cosy bit, which is nice
0:16:16 > 0:16:19and you got the end where you have to bury them, right, it's lovely.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Is lovely, it's lovely, it's lovely.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25But what I do like is the second stage in a relationship, right?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27You know, you start getting comfortable with that person.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31You start kicking off your shoes, you start getting fat, you're like,
0:16:31 > 0:16:32"I've got you," it's nice.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35It's nice when you get there but there is a test to let you know
0:16:35 > 0:16:37that you've got to this point in the relationship.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Some people say it's farting.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42It's not farting, you can get through a fart, it's not that.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45The test is if you can flush their poo, all right?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Now, looking at everyone's reaction, right here,
0:16:49 > 0:16:53lets me know that's the reason why that is the test.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55There's no way of going back from that, right?
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Cos I saw in the toilet and the first thing that
0:16:58 > 0:17:02came in my head was, like, "How the hell did she do that?! I mean...
0:17:02 > 0:17:04"That's DISGUSTING!"
0:17:04 > 0:17:07But I looked at it but it was still cute because it came from her.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09GROANING
0:17:09 > 0:17:11She does little poo-poos and it's sweet, you know?
0:17:11 > 0:17:14You don't even smell it cos the love is all around you.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15You don't even smell it.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18And then you look at it, and it becomes a secret between you
0:17:18 > 0:17:20and the toilet...
0:17:20 > 0:17:22and Facebook.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27I got a "like" over there, which is nice. It's nice, it's nice.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29But I've been in a relationship for a while now
0:17:29 > 0:17:31and I've got a baby boy, all right. CHEERING
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Yeah, some people ain't impressed. They're like, "So what? I've got a dog."
0:17:34 > 0:17:36But got... I've got a boy.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38I like at this age, he's a toddler now
0:17:38 > 0:17:40so we started to do more stuff together, all right?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42I like taking him out to the playground.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45I take him out to the playground cos that brings you back to your childhood
0:17:45 > 0:17:47because you've got the slides there,
0:17:47 > 0:17:50you've got the swings and sometimes he pushes me, it's great, I love it.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53I love going into the playground but when you walk into the playground
0:17:53 > 0:17:55you have to have a thing called playground etiquette.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59I'll tell you what I mean by that, you have to be REALLY, really nice.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02REALLY really nice and fake, like a children's television presenter.
0:18:02 > 0:18:07Because sometimes the kids in the park, they have altercations.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09My son pushed another little boy.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12I had to be on him straightaway, I said, "Kayden, Kayden, come here.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15"You don't push other children, you play nice in the park, all right?
0:18:15 > 0:18:18"Don't push other children, play nicely. Now, go play.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20"Go play, go play."
0:18:20 > 0:18:23But in my head I'm like, "Knock him out," all right?
0:18:23 > 0:18:26"Give him a little kick when no-one is looking."
0:18:26 > 0:18:29But you know what it is like for your kid to lose a fight? Do you know?
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Cos this little boy came up to my son, right?
0:18:31 > 0:18:34I say little, he was massive. He was on steroids, or something, right?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37This kid was a monster and he came up to him,
0:18:37 > 0:18:40and he started pinching him for no reason at all.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41He started pinching him right here.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44And every pinch you start to feel that
0:18:44 > 0:18:47because that's your flesh, that's your blood.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50And he went to the back of my son's head, and went, "Biff!"
0:18:52 > 0:18:53Just like that.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Now, I'm on this park bench and I'm thinking to myself, like,
0:18:56 > 0:19:00"Yo, where the hell is this other kid's parents?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03"And if they ain't there I'm going to fuck this kid up."
0:19:06 > 0:19:08And I went up to the kid and I was like,
0:19:08 > 0:19:11"HEY! You get the hell off my son! I will kill you!
0:19:11 > 0:19:13"You get the hell off of my son!"
0:19:13 > 0:19:15And he looked at me and started laughing.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18He was like, "Ha-ha-ha! You got a round face!"
0:19:21 > 0:19:24I was like, "Come on, let's go." Thank you very much!
0:19:24 > 0:19:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:29 > 0:19:32One more time for Marlon Davis!
0:19:35 > 0:19:40Yes. Now, as we've seen, there are lots of amazing comedians
0:19:40 > 0:19:42at the Edinburgh Festival but what about the city itself?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44What makes Edinburgh so special?
0:19:44 > 0:19:48We've sent our roving reporter Tash Demetriou to find out.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Over to you, Tash.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Thank you, Seann.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56Welcome to Edinburgh, the home of leprechauns, four-leafed clovers,
0:19:56 > 0:19:58the luck of the Irish and, of course,
0:19:58 > 0:20:02the Edinburgh Festival Fringe Festival...Society of Art.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06There's drama and so much comedy with... It's a festival of...
0:20:06 > 0:20:11of all performance. In many ways, it's 2011... 13.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14IRISH ACCENT: Top of the morning to you, laddie!
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Oh, would you look at the time?
0:20:21 > 0:20:23It's a quarter past Facts.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27This is the city where JK Rowling wrote Harry Potter.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Welcome to Scotland!
0:20:37 > 0:20:41Edinburgh's most famous street, it's Her Majesty the Royal mile.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52The Royal Mile is full of performers promoting their shows.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Let's go and see how it is done.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59How do snails get their shells so shiny?
0:20:59 > 0:21:02How...do they get them like that?
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Snail varnish.
0:21:04 > 0:21:09Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!
0:21:09 > 0:21:10Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Did you know it's illegal to laugh in Edinburgh
0:21:13 > 0:21:15outside the month of August?
0:21:15 > 0:21:17These women are prostitutes
0:21:17 > 0:21:20and by "prostitutes" I mean they're desperate for clients,
0:21:20 > 0:21:23and by "clients" I mean audience members.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Good luck, ladies!
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Not a lot of people know that they built the River Thames here
0:21:28 > 0:21:31and transported it to London.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35Ahh, what a tiring day I've had in the city of Edinburgh
0:21:35 > 0:21:38but I give it five stars.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41IRISH ACCENT: To be sure, to be sure, to be sure.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52Ladies and gentlemen, I am very excited about my next act.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55He's going to go on to big things and I can't wait to see what.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59Go crazy, go wild, go really loud for Dane Baptiste!
0:21:59 > 0:22:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:08 > 0:22:10- Yeah. How you guys doing? Are you all right? ALL:- Yeah!
0:22:10 > 0:22:12How many people here are from Edinburgh?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14CHEERING Cool, cool.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17It's my third time here, guys. Thank you for having me in your city.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Erm, I do enjoy it here but I have to be honest,
0:22:20 > 0:22:25when I am here I kind of feel like a Coco Pop in a bowl of Rice Krispies.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30I could be in worse places, OK? I've been in worse places.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Like, I could be at work doing a normal job.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35How many people here enjoy their job? WEAK CHEERING
0:22:35 > 0:22:36So, that's about four of you?
0:22:38 > 0:22:43I have a job. I hate the job, I hate the people I work with even more, OK?
0:22:43 > 0:22:48I hate my job so much that in my office, on my desk,
0:22:48 > 0:22:50there's a picture of a family...
0:22:51 > 0:22:54..that I'm not related to.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57But it's there just so when those dickheads from work go,
0:22:57 > 0:22:59"All right, Dane, coming for a drink after work?"
0:22:59 > 0:23:01I can go, "I'm afraid I can't."
0:23:07 > 0:23:09As you can see, I have a family, so..."
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Normally I get, like, cynical responses from people like,
0:23:13 > 0:23:18"Dane, your family look a bit Filipino. Why is this?"
0:23:18 > 0:23:20And I'm like, "Well, we're adopted, OK?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22"You've heard of Benetton? We're the Benetton Baptiste's.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25"Why don't you get the fuck away from my desk, Steve?!"
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Now, you guys don't know Steve but Steve is a real dick, OK?
0:23:29 > 0:23:32He's one of these guys that comes into the office a bit too enthusiastic.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35He's always like, "Hey, guys, I'm doing the marathon.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Who was to sponsor me? M'yah."
0:23:38 > 0:23:41He says that too, "M'yah."
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Like, how many people here watch the marathon?
0:23:43 > 0:23:44Yeah, exactly.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Look, I don't give a fuck about the marathon, OK?
0:23:48 > 0:23:50I don't see why middle class people can dress up
0:23:50 > 0:23:52and run through London, and that's called a marathon.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Me and my friends do that shit, they call it a riot, which I don't think...
0:23:55 > 0:23:58LAUGHTER
0:24:00 > 0:24:01..I don't think is particularly fair.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04The objective is the same, to raise money for the disadvantaged, so...
0:24:07 > 0:24:11So I won't sign your sponsorship form, Steve.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13So, you'd be surprised to know that I lost that job
0:24:13 > 0:24:14but, like, I'm doing my best
0:24:14 > 0:24:17because I know, like, no-one wants a guy that is unemployed.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19I'm looking for a job right now, OK?
0:24:19 > 0:24:21But, you know, we're living in austerity times
0:24:21 > 0:24:23and it's hard to find a job in the recession
0:24:23 > 0:24:25so you've got to embellish your CV slightly.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26You know, exaggerate.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28I was in an interview the other day and they were like,
0:24:28 > 0:24:32"OK, Dane, so it says here after you graduated from Hogwarts
0:24:32 > 0:24:34"and defeated the Decepticons...
0:24:38 > 0:24:40"..but you also served in the SAS?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42"Can you tell us more about that, please?"
0:24:42 > 0:24:46I said, "I would love to bet that shit's classified, so."
0:24:46 > 0:24:48It's hard. I mean, it's hard all round.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Like I said, I know it is not good for a man to tell people
0:24:51 > 0:24:53you're unemployed but I think that's the least of our worries.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56I'm wondering where all the real men have gone in this world, OK?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Like, I know people my age that say stuff like, "Oh, times are hard."
0:24:59 > 0:25:03Times can never be hard when you can pause television, OK?
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Number one. Not only that, all this free porn.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07I don't want to hear people complaining, OK?
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Because I remember having to struggle to get hold of some porn, OK?
0:25:10 > 0:25:13In those days the women in porn had something
0:25:13 > 0:25:16I like to call pubic hair...
0:25:16 > 0:25:18which you don't see any more in porn
0:25:18 > 0:25:20but in my day we weren't scared of pubic hair, OK?
0:25:20 > 0:25:21If you pull down some knickers
0:25:21 > 0:25:24and you saw an Ewok doing a somersault you went ahead.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27Cos men were men, OK?
0:25:28 > 0:25:30And we didn't worry about STDs in those days.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32The only STD we worried about was the lurgies,
0:25:32 > 0:25:37and you just touched somebody else, and continue with your playtime, OK?
0:25:37 > 0:25:39We were real men and we weren't scared of STDs.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41And you know something?
0:25:41 > 0:25:42If you caught one you just drank a Lucozade
0:25:42 > 0:25:45and you walked it off because men...
0:25:46 > 0:25:47..men were men, OK?
0:25:47 > 0:25:50And I'm worried about my generation of men and where they're going
0:25:50 > 0:25:52cos I see some shit that is fucked up nowadays.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Like, for example, I'm in an airport on the way to Edinburgh, guy comes
0:25:55 > 0:25:58up to me, and he's like, "Excuse me, sir, can you help me with my suitcase?"
0:25:58 > 0:26:01I said, "No, I can't help with your fucking suitcase, you're a man,
0:26:01 > 0:26:03"you packed it, you carry it, OK?"
0:26:05 > 0:26:07"What, am I supposed to push a wheelchair as well?!
0:26:07 > 0:26:08"Get the fuck out of my face."
0:26:16 > 0:26:18That's not even the worst part, seriously.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19That's not even the worst part.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22I'm out with some friends having a great time a few weeks ago,
0:26:22 > 0:26:25I saw a guy eating a cake with a fork.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30What the fuck is that?
0:26:30 > 0:26:31I had enough. I went right up to him,
0:26:31 > 0:26:34slapped that shit right out of his hand, told him to be a man.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37He starts complaining, "Dane, what's wrong with you?
0:26:37 > 0:26:38"This is my wedding, blah, blah, blah."
0:26:41 > 0:26:42"I don't give a damn what day it is!"
0:26:42 > 0:26:44"You're out-of-control, you should leave."
0:26:44 > 0:26:48I said, "I didn't want to come to your wedding anyway, Steve."
0:26:50 > 0:26:51He was like, "M'yeh."
0:26:52 > 0:26:55But, no, I mean, like I said, I'm from London where we have,
0:26:55 > 0:26:57like, a serious, like, youth gang culture.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58There's a little problem there.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01I think the problem is nowadays that kids are no longer
0:27:01 > 0:27:02scared of consequence, OK?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04No-one scared of going to prison any more
0:27:04 > 0:27:06because prison has PlayStation, OK?
0:27:06 > 0:27:09The only person I see on TV giving people discipline is Supernanny
0:27:09 > 0:27:11but I'm not scared of these little wannabe rude boys
0:27:11 > 0:27:13cos I know what they're scared of.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15You want to know what they're scared of?
0:27:15 > 0:27:18- You want to know what they're scared of? ALL:- Yes.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Wasps.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Listen, I don't care who you are,
0:27:23 > 0:27:27no-one is a gangster when there's a wasp around, OK?
0:27:27 > 0:27:30I've seen good friends use each other as human shields,
0:27:30 > 0:27:33I've seen the sexuality of rude boys change in the blink of an eye.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Guys walking around like, "Yeah, bruv, round here
0:27:35 > 0:27:37"I don't give a fuck..." HE BUZZES
0:27:41 > 0:27:45"No, that was a hornet, OK? That was a hornet and I am allergic.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46"That's the only reason I did that.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50"You guys all know that wasps are the bullets that can think, OK? So...
0:27:50 > 0:27:52"That's the reason I did that, so. So, yeah."
0:27:52 > 0:27:55But, guys, that's been my time. I've been Dane Baptiste.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Thank you very much, guys. Cheers. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Dane Baptiste! Yes!
0:28:06 > 0:28:07Fantastic stuff!
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Now, our next comedian is doing his debut stand-up show
0:28:11 > 0:28:13up here at the Fringe.
0:28:13 > 0:28:14I love him, you're going to love him,
0:28:14 > 0:28:17it's the brilliant Liam Williams!
0:28:24 > 0:28:25Thank you.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28That was lovely. Lovely to be here.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31All right, here's the first joke. I hope you enjoy it.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33So, the universe implodes.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36No matter. Thank you.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40Liam Williams at your service. What a good joke.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42It's a bit geeky, that's the problem.
0:28:42 > 0:28:43I was always a bit of a geek at school.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45I used to get bullied for that but I dealt with it.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47I always gave as good as I got.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49In fact, I gave better than I got.
0:28:49 > 0:28:53Not to the same people, to the smaller boys, the weaker boys
0:28:53 > 0:28:55and my family's animals, and that helped.
0:28:56 > 0:29:00Now, a brief gag-based-about- me-section, to begin with.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03My name is Liam, brown hair, blue eyes, always up for a laugh.
0:29:03 > 0:29:05I live in north London.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07I don't really like where I live cos I hate my neighbours.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09I'm sure a lot of you have got annoying neighbours.
0:29:09 > 0:29:11My neighbours piss me off all day.
0:29:11 > 0:29:16Their Wi-Fi connection is so slow, it's just unbearable.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18I feel very lucky to be here.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21How did I, who left school at 16, before going to sixth form
0:29:21 > 0:29:23and university, come to be...
0:29:25 > 0:29:27..standing before you this evening?
0:29:27 > 0:29:29Well, I'll tell you my story
0:29:29 > 0:29:32and I'll tell you through the MEDIUM of storytelling.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34Just normal stand-up.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38We begin in Leeds, in 1974,
0:29:38 > 0:29:42and then immediately fast forward 14 years to 1988, the year of my birth.
0:29:45 > 0:29:49My mother is talking to my grandfather, her father, and friend.
0:29:51 > 0:29:56"Dad, I'm pregnant with the semi-professional comedian Liam Williams."
0:29:57 > 0:29:59I should say my grandad was a wise, complex,
0:29:59 > 0:30:02somewhat troubled gentleman, but, for comedic purposes,
0:30:02 > 0:30:06in this skit will be portrayed as an old Yorkshire git.
0:30:07 > 0:30:09"Oh, wonderful news.
0:30:09 > 0:30:12"You will of course raise him as we raised you, won't you?"
0:30:12 > 0:30:16"You mean, emotionally repressed and in relative poverty?" "Aye."
0:30:18 > 0:30:20"No, Dad." "Why not?"
0:30:20 > 0:30:23"Well, Dad, there's this alternative lifestyle we've read about.
0:30:23 > 0:30:26"It's called being lower-middle-class."
0:30:26 > 0:30:28"What?"
0:30:29 > 0:30:31"What does that mean?" HE EXHALES
0:30:33 > 0:30:34HE COUGHS
0:30:34 > 0:30:39"It means... We'll encourage him to eat three or four portions of fruit
0:30:39 > 0:30:42"and vegetables a day and strike him biannually at most.
0:30:42 > 0:30:45"We really think this is for the best.
0:30:45 > 0:30:47"Please, Dad, say you understand."
0:30:47 > 0:30:48But Grandad didn't say he understood.
0:30:48 > 0:30:51He just turned away and muttered something about his hat.
0:30:51 > 0:30:53"This is a flat cap."
0:30:54 > 0:30:57My parents did give me a good upbringing, but they were the kind
0:30:57 > 0:31:00of parents who would always remind me I was having a good upbringing,
0:31:00 > 0:31:03and say, "Liam, we fed you, clothed you, we put a roof over your head."
0:31:03 > 0:31:06I'd say, "Well, I am grateful for those things, Mother and Father, but
0:31:06 > 0:31:09"if you didn't do them, you'd have to deal with the police at the door,
0:31:09 > 0:31:12asking, "Why is there a starving naked boy on your front lawn?"
0:31:14 > 0:31:19So I grew up. Here I am now. And I've realised what I want from life.
0:31:19 > 0:31:23Money. I just want money, really. Money and things.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26There are a number of inciting incidents that led me to this
0:31:26 > 0:31:29realisation, and I'll tell you the one of greatest narrative interest.
0:31:29 > 0:31:33This girl came back to my flat, and we made - well, not love,
0:31:33 > 0:31:37but the requisite levels of mutual trust to concede bodies to each other
0:31:37 > 0:31:42and escape our respective states of loneliness for a little while.
0:31:42 > 0:31:45We made sweet that.
0:31:45 > 0:31:47And afterwards, she is looking round the room,
0:31:47 > 0:31:50I guess just collecting data to take away with and use to assess
0:31:50 > 0:31:54the extent to which she is selling herself short in these transactions.
0:31:54 > 0:31:56After a minute or so of looking at the room's four walls,
0:31:56 > 0:31:59she turns to me and says, "How long have you lived here now?"
0:31:59 > 0:32:04I say, "About two years. Why?" "It looks like you've been here a week."
0:32:04 > 0:32:05"What do you mean?"
0:32:05 > 0:32:08"Well, you've got some things here, but there's no thought.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11"It's like your room doesn't have a personality."
0:32:11 > 0:32:14And as a joke to imply self-assurance, I say,
0:32:14 > 0:32:16"That's because I don't have personality."
0:32:18 > 0:32:21And the contrived earnestness in her voice when she says,
0:32:21 > 0:32:24"That's not true, Liam."
0:32:24 > 0:32:26It's made me quite scared.
0:32:28 > 0:32:31So now I want money and things so I can be like, "Ah!
0:32:31 > 0:32:36"Look at my on-trend boat shoes. Look at my leather bound iPad case.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39"I'm going to get an iPad to go in there one of these days.
0:32:40 > 0:32:44"Hand me a MasterCard and this month's GQ magazine and, darling,
0:32:44 > 0:32:46"when the bedroom is bathed in sodium light
0:32:46 > 0:32:50"and the abyss yawns over the trees, do not stare at it, nor at the
0:32:50 > 0:32:54"bare ceiling and presume me bare too, but look instead at this poster
0:32:54 > 0:32:58"of skyscraper builders in the olden days eating their lunch on a beam!"
0:32:59 > 0:33:00Thank you.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:33:05 > 0:33:06Brilliant.
0:33:06 > 0:33:10So far, we've had a lot of brand-new comedians, but now we're going
0:33:10 > 0:33:13to meet a double act who were at their peak in the music hall
0:33:13 > 0:33:17of the 1970s. Over to Mr Winchester and Tommy.
0:33:17 > 0:33:19APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:33:21 > 0:33:22Hello, comedy fans.
0:33:22 > 0:33:26- My name is Mr Winchester, this is my assistant Tommy here.- Hello.
0:33:26 > 0:33:31- We are classic entertainers and we do not fuck about.- We belly laugh, mate.
0:33:31 > 0:33:35- Get off. Now, we're here at the Edinburgh Festival.- Fringe Festival.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37Don't belittle it, Tommy, it's still valid.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40We were up here at the festival to show these alternative
0:33:40 > 0:33:42- "comedians" - dickheads. - Dickheads.- Dickheads -
0:33:42 > 0:33:45These alternative dickheads how this comedy business is done,
0:33:45 > 0:33:46cos I know what I'm talking about,
0:33:46 > 0:33:49because I've been around the comedy block
0:33:49 > 0:33:52and I've got a few hundred thousand comedy on my comedy clock.
0:33:52 > 0:33:55- Comedy dashboard. - Don't fucking labour the point.
0:33:55 > 0:33:59Now, I've noticed, during my lengthy time as a comedian, that this
0:33:59 > 0:34:02comedy business has started to be taken over by...
0:34:02 > 0:34:04- Jews.- Young people!
0:34:04 > 0:34:07- That's what you said, wasn't it? - Shut up! Not bloody Jews.
0:34:07 > 0:34:12- You can't say that on television. - Why not?- Why not? Why not?!
0:34:12 > 0:34:14Because there might be one fucking watching.
0:34:16 > 0:34:19So, we're going to have a chat with some young people to find out
0:34:19 > 0:34:23what they believe comedy to be today.
0:34:23 > 0:34:27So, we're sat here with Nick, who is an all-round entertainer,
0:34:27 > 0:34:32and in 2011 he was nominated for the biggest prize of all -
0:34:32 > 0:34:34the Edinburgh Comedy Award.
0:34:34 > 0:34:35But he didn't win.
0:34:37 > 0:34:39He's fucking sat right there. Rub it in.
0:34:41 > 0:34:44Nick, you are a poet. Why don't you give us one?
0:34:44 > 0:34:46THEY CACKLE
0:34:46 > 0:34:50- He's doing innuendo.- He knows what I'm doing, he's not a prick.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53So, come on, Nick, give us one of your poems.
0:34:53 > 0:34:55There was a young man called Beanie
0:34:55 > 0:34:58Who magically wished up a genie
0:34:58 > 0:35:00But after a wish He asked for a fish
0:35:00 > 0:35:04And the genie said, "You fucking idiot. You could have had anything.
0:35:04 > 0:35:08"You could have had anything! You're a fucking time waster."
0:35:10 > 0:35:13- Is that it?- Is that like surreal? - Yeah, is that surreal?
0:35:14 > 0:35:16Yes, it's sort of surreal.
0:35:16 > 0:35:19I mean, no offence when I say this, Nick, but surreal comedy is
0:35:19 > 0:35:22what you find in a skip round the back of the castration clinic.
0:35:22 > 0:35:24- What's that?- A load of bollocks!
0:35:24 > 0:35:26BOTH: Haw-haw-haw-haw!
0:35:26 > 0:35:29That's a proper joke. Have you got anything like that?
0:35:29 > 0:35:32- No, I don't have anything like that. - Well, go on Google.
0:35:32 > 0:35:35- There's loads of it, just nick it. - Won't take you long.- Exactly.
0:35:35 > 0:35:39You've got to clothe and feed yourself with this stuff, son.
0:35:39 > 0:35:45You want to grow up. All right, goodbye. Great act. Great act.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49Poor sod. Honestly. Poetry!
0:35:49 > 0:35:52I mean, I wish him all the best with his career,
0:35:52 > 0:35:54but sadly I have been in this business too long,
0:35:54 > 0:35:59and something tells me we'll be plucking his alcohol-soaked,
0:35:59 > 0:36:04bloated body out of a swollen river in two or three years' time.
0:36:04 > 0:36:06- Isn't that right, Tommy? - No, that's my left.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09Haw-haw-haw! That's fucking funny.
0:36:09 > 0:36:11Yes, it is, yes, it is.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:36:15 > 0:36:19Now, ladies and gentlemen, go crazy, go wild for Aisling Bea!
0:36:19 > 0:36:21APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:36:24 > 0:36:32Hello! Hello, how are you? Hello. Hi. Hi, everyone, are you all well?
0:36:32 > 0:36:34- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:36:34 > 0:36:39Yay! Oh, great. I am from Ireland. I know, I know.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42I was going to use it as a surprise reveal at the end,
0:36:42 > 0:36:44but I suppose I'll tell you now.
0:36:44 > 0:36:50I am from Ireland, but I live in London now. Ooh! That's right.
0:36:50 > 0:36:53My mother used to think I lived a crazy life in London where
0:36:53 > 0:36:55I went around brushing my teeth with cocaine
0:36:55 > 0:36:57and wiping my arse with money,
0:36:57 > 0:36:59and then she visited me
0:36:59 > 0:37:01and realised how much of my life I actually spend
0:37:01 > 0:37:04sat on the floor in my pyjamas watching the clock tick by
0:37:04 > 0:37:07eating my 12th mini Kinder Bueno Hippo.
0:37:08 > 0:37:11She said I should try and do exercise, you know,
0:37:11 > 0:37:14get out and do exercise because it would be really good for me.
0:37:14 > 0:37:16But I found that actually really offensive,
0:37:16 > 0:37:20because my mother knows that I have a terrible disability which
0:37:20 > 0:37:25prevents me from doing exercise, which is where I actually can't...
0:37:25 > 0:37:26I can't...
0:37:26 > 0:37:29be arsed! I can't be arsed, I really can't.
0:37:29 > 0:37:34But I don't understand certain parts of exercise. You know like running?
0:37:34 > 0:37:41Run-ning. Does anyone here know about or go running? Anyone go running?
0:37:41 > 0:37:47Exactly. Why would you go running if you're not being chased?
0:37:47 > 0:37:49I don't know why.
0:37:49 > 0:37:52There's no natural panic in my legs that makes me
0:37:52 > 0:37:54want to go any faster than this.
0:37:56 > 0:38:00I've got this flatmate called Steph and Steph is American.
0:38:00 > 0:38:01Are there any Americans in?
0:38:01 > 0:38:03Yeah, because you know if there were.
0:38:03 > 0:38:05SHE SHRIEKS
0:38:05 > 0:38:08I mean, I love Americans, please come back and invest in Ireland.
0:38:08 > 0:38:12I do love Americans, but they've got the sort of natural
0:38:12 > 0:38:14enthusiasm for life, and Steph is the same.
0:38:14 > 0:38:18Steph is so enthusiastic, and she's just always going for a run.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20AMERICAN ACCENT: She's just always going for a run,
0:38:20 > 0:38:22just always going for a run.
0:38:22 > 0:38:28Steph gets such a buzz out of going for a run that two days later,
0:38:28 > 0:38:30she'll do it again.
0:38:31 > 0:38:36Do you know what I get a buzz out of? Sitting down. I love sitting down.
0:38:36 > 0:38:39Has anyone ever tried it? It's good, isn't it?
0:38:40 > 0:38:44There's always these stories in the tabloids about those men who
0:38:44 > 0:38:49are found sat there in a chair dead and alone
0:38:49 > 0:38:52and they hadn't been found for days.
0:38:52 > 0:38:55And they were covered in their own wee. Oh, no.
0:38:55 > 0:38:59What those stories never mention is the smile on that man's face.
0:38:59 > 0:39:03I can't wait until I've alienated enough of my friends
0:39:03 > 0:39:07and family that I can just sit me in a chair all day, weeing
0:39:07 > 0:39:11the days away, judged by neither man nor beast watching afternoon
0:39:11 > 0:39:13television waiting for the end to come.
0:39:13 > 0:39:17I mean, that's kind of the dream, isn't it? I love that.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19Cos I don't like moving, you see.
0:39:19 > 0:39:23But my mother rang me, she's like, let me give you a piece of advice.
0:39:23 > 0:39:27She said, "You have to start doing exercise or you could end up
0:39:27 > 0:39:29"becoming fat-thin."
0:39:31 > 0:39:34I said, "Jesus Christ on a stick, Mother, what is fat-thin?"
0:39:34 > 0:39:38"I read it in a women's magazine." "Well, there's the first problem.
0:39:38 > 0:39:40"The only target of women's magazines are other women."
0:39:40 > 0:39:42She said, "Fat-thin is where you're thin,
0:39:42 > 0:39:45"but you're secretly fat cos you don't do any exercise.
0:39:45 > 0:39:49"You can also be thin-fat, fat-fat, thin-thin, too fat,
0:39:49 > 0:39:51"too thin, thin in the wrong place, thin in the right place,"
0:39:51 > 0:39:54and I said, "Mother, as if I don't have enough problems in my life
0:39:54 > 0:39:57"trying to walk down the street and not get raped, trying to get equal
0:39:57 > 0:40:00"pay, trying to live in a society where 25-year-old women are sticking
0:40:00 > 0:40:03"plastic and poison in their faces so that they don't look old so that by
0:40:03 > 0:40:06"the time they get to 40, they've nothing left to do to themselves
0:40:06 > 0:40:09"but pull out their eyeballs and stick babies' eyeballs in instead,
0:40:09 > 0:40:13"that we live in a world where there have been telephones developed
0:40:13 > 0:40:17"to send a picture of a cat from one side of the world to the other
0:40:17 > 0:40:21"in under a second, yet still, in over 200,000 years of humanity,
0:40:21 > 0:40:24"we have not come up with a better way to have a baby child than to
0:40:24 > 0:40:28"push something the size of a bowling ball out my tiny hole!"
0:40:29 > 0:40:31APPLAUSE
0:40:33 > 0:40:38"And now... I have to worry about being fat-thin!"
0:40:39 > 0:40:41I said, "Go fuck yourself, Mother."
0:40:43 > 0:40:48I didn't. Obviously. I agreed to go to a Zumba class.
0:40:51 > 0:40:54My name is Aisling Bea, have a lovely fringe festival.
0:40:54 > 0:40:55APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:40:58 > 0:41:00They loved her!
0:41:00 > 0:41:03Right, ladies and gentlemen, the next man is a fantastic,
0:41:03 > 0:41:05very funny comedian.
0:41:05 > 0:41:08He's won not one, not two, but...
0:41:08 > 0:41:11No, hang on, two, all right, he's won two.
0:41:11 > 0:41:15That's still a lot, though. He's won two national new act competitions.
0:41:15 > 0:41:17Give it up for Pat Cahill!
0:41:17 > 0:41:19APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:41:26 > 0:41:29Good evening. Good evening, everybody. We all right? Yes. Good.
0:41:29 > 0:41:32Right, OK, first things first.
0:41:32 > 0:41:35You might be wondering, yes, this is a hands-free microphone stand.
0:41:35 > 0:41:36CHEERING
0:41:36 > 0:41:40Thank you. Manufactured entirely from a coat hanger. You're very kind.
0:41:40 > 0:41:44Why? Well, I suppose it's a combination of two things.
0:41:44 > 0:41:48A little bit too much spare time. And a coat hanger.
0:41:48 > 0:41:50You've got to keep yourself busy.
0:41:50 > 0:41:52And it opens me up, opens up the body language.
0:41:52 > 0:41:54That's no bad thing, being more approachable, it's nice.
0:41:54 > 0:41:57Cos you don't know who I am - I don't know who I am. I've no idea.
0:41:57 > 0:41:59I've asked myself the major questions.
0:41:59 > 0:42:00Where was I when I last saw myself?
0:42:00 > 0:42:02What was I last doing when I had myself?
0:42:02 > 0:42:05And have I checked my pockets? I don't know who I am.
0:42:05 > 0:42:07So I come up in front of people and try to work it out.
0:42:07 > 0:42:09With that in mind, let's have a bit of audience participation
0:42:09 > 0:42:12while I sum it up. Basically, when I say, "I'm just an old school",
0:42:12 > 0:42:15I want everybody to shout out, "boom boom". Let's give it a go.
0:42:15 > 0:42:18- I'm just an old school... AUDIENCE:- Boom boom!- One more time.
0:42:18 > 0:42:20- # I'm just an old school... - Boom boom!
0:42:20 > 0:42:24# Entertainer trying to come to terms with sensitivity. #
0:42:24 > 0:42:25LAUGHTER
0:42:25 > 0:42:26That's it.
0:42:26 > 0:42:29Basically, I wish it was the 1860s and I could just come up here
0:42:29 > 0:42:32and do a little Cockney music hall number for you with all
0:42:32 > 0:42:34the nudges and winks and double entendres.
0:42:34 > 0:42:36Where I'm not saying what you're thinking and you're thinking
0:42:36 > 0:42:38what I'm not saying - something like,
0:42:38 > 0:42:40# Come, come, come on an able seaman
0:42:40 > 0:42:43# Come, come, come on an able seaman
0:42:43 > 0:42:46# Shit on a pile of bricks and then fall and snap your twat. #
0:42:46 > 0:42:47You know?
0:42:47 > 0:42:50SCATTERED APPLAUSE
0:42:50 > 0:42:54- Thank you. # I'm just an old school...- Boom boom! #
0:42:54 > 0:42:58Thanks for paying attention. It's a certain time and a certain place.
0:42:58 > 0:43:02It's time for a poem. This is called I Love. It goes like this.
0:43:02 > 0:43:03I love girls
0:43:03 > 0:43:05I love women
0:43:05 > 0:43:06Isle of Man
0:43:06 > 0:43:08Isle of Dogs
0:43:08 > 0:43:10Isle of Skye Isle of Wight...
0:43:11 > 0:43:15Sheppey. Guernsey, Canvey island - it's in the estuary.
0:43:17 > 0:43:21Portsmouth, technically. Ireland, of course. Greece.
0:43:21 > 0:43:25The British Isles, for that. Any landmass that's surrounded by sea.
0:43:25 > 0:43:26Thank you.
0:43:28 > 0:43:31Some of it's not funny, it's just beautiful.
0:43:31 > 0:43:34But I'm not lying when I say I do love girls, I love women.
0:43:34 > 0:43:36I love a bit of the old how's your father?
0:43:36 > 0:43:39You know, a bit of the old, where's your sister?
0:43:39 > 0:43:41LAUGHTER
0:43:43 > 0:43:46A bit of the old any family member at all. You know what I'm talking about.
0:43:46 > 0:43:47You know, sex.
0:43:47 > 0:43:49A little bit of the old. HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:43:49 > 0:43:51You know, sex. A bit of the old... sex.
0:43:51 > 0:43:54HE MAKES RANDOM SOUND EFFECTS
0:43:54 > 0:43:57A bit of the... sex. Sex. A bit of the old... sex.
0:43:57 > 0:44:00RANDOM SOUND EFFECTS CONTINUE
0:44:01 > 0:44:03A bit of the old...
0:44:07 > 0:44:09Sex. Hey?
0:44:09 > 0:44:13It's just life, working it all out, putting it out there, advice,
0:44:13 > 0:44:16to-ing and fro-ing. You've got to be careful with advice.
0:44:16 > 0:44:17I've had some bad advice in my day.
0:44:17 > 0:44:20My father gave me a horrible misogynistic chestnut
0:44:20 > 0:44:22when I was younger. He said, son, if you want to know what a girl is
0:44:22 > 0:44:25going to look like in future, look at the mother.
0:44:25 > 0:44:27If you want to know what it's going to be like in 25 years,
0:44:27 > 0:44:29look at the mother. We've all heard it.
0:44:29 > 0:44:32It's horrible - live for the moment, experience it and all that.
0:44:32 > 0:44:34And if you've got a logical, practical brain like me,
0:44:34 > 0:44:35you just think, why wait? So...
0:44:37 > 0:44:39So now I fuck mums.
0:44:41 > 0:44:43The trouble is, the old advice carries on, carries through,
0:44:43 > 0:44:45doesn't it? What's Mum going to look like in 25 years?
0:44:45 > 0:44:47She'll be a gran, so you start fucking grans.
0:44:47 > 0:44:50And what's Gran going to look like in 25 years? Well, she's dead.
0:44:50 > 0:44:52So you start fucking the earth.
0:44:52 > 0:44:54What's the earth going to look like in 25 years?
0:44:54 > 0:44:56It will be the same, so you expand, 25 billion years - well,
0:44:56 > 0:44:58it could get sucked into the sun, so you fuck the sun.
0:44:58 > 0:45:00The sun collapses and becomes a black hole,
0:45:00 > 0:45:01you're fucking a black hole.
0:45:01 > 0:45:04The black hole becomes a white dwarf, you're fucking a white dwarf -
0:45:04 > 0:45:07I'm hoping no-one walks in on the conversation at this point.
0:45:07 > 0:45:10All you've got left is space, so you're just dangling it around.
0:45:10 > 0:45:11Then you've got time, you're doing time.
0:45:11 > 0:45:14You haven't done the crime but you're doing the time.
0:45:14 > 0:45:15Then you think, hang on,
0:45:15 > 0:45:17maybe it was just some bad advice in the first place.
0:45:17 > 0:45:19Fuck dad.
0:45:19 > 0:45:20That's right, ladies and gentlemen,
0:45:20 > 0:45:23- I'm just an old school... AUDIENCE:- Boom-boom.
0:45:23 > 0:45:26Thank you very much, you've been lovely. I've been Pat Cahill, cheers.
0:45:26 > 0:45:27Thanks.
0:45:32 > 0:45:36Yes! Give it up one more time for the wonderful Pat Cahill!
0:45:38 > 0:45:43Now, the Edinburgh Festival welcomes comedians from all around the world.
0:45:43 > 0:45:45This next comedian is from Canada.
0:45:45 > 0:45:50Welcome to the twisted imagination of Bobby Mair!
0:45:50 > 0:45:52Wow.
0:46:01 > 0:46:02Thank you. Hi, I'm Bobby,
0:46:02 > 0:46:07and I've done as much cocaine as I look like I've done.
0:46:07 > 0:46:10Oh... I went clubbing my first night in Edinburgh,
0:46:10 > 0:46:12and I saw something amazing,
0:46:12 > 0:46:15I saw a dwarf selling MDMA.
0:46:15 > 0:46:18He just came up to me, he was like, "Hey, do you want to buy some MDMA?"
0:46:18 > 0:46:20I was like, "No, clearly I'm high enough,
0:46:20 > 0:46:22"I'm seeing a dwarf selling MDMA."
0:46:22 > 0:46:25Like, "I am on the right level."
0:46:25 > 0:46:27Cos it takes balls to be a dwarf drug dealer.
0:46:27 > 0:46:30Like, I'm afraid to be a drug dealer, cos any of you could stab me
0:46:30 > 0:46:31and take my drugs.
0:46:31 > 0:46:34If you are a dwarf drug dealer, at any point somebody could just
0:46:34 > 0:46:39come along, pick you and your drugs up and take you away.
0:46:39 > 0:46:41And you can't do anything.
0:46:41 > 0:46:44And then I remember this one-night stand,
0:46:44 > 0:46:47and during sex this girl really scratched my back a lot,
0:46:47 > 0:46:48like, she dug her nails in.
0:46:48 > 0:46:50And then afterwards she calls a cab.
0:46:50 > 0:46:52And I went outside to the cab with her,
0:46:52 > 0:46:54she was like, "You don't have to wait for the cab with me."
0:46:54 > 0:46:57I'm like, "Yes, I do." She was like, "Why?"
0:46:57 > 0:46:59I'm like, "Cos look, if you get kidnapped and murdered,
0:46:59 > 0:47:02"my DNA is under your fucking fingernails.
0:47:05 > 0:47:09"And I don't seem like the kind of guy that wouldn't kill a chick."
0:47:12 > 0:47:14Like, I know what I am.
0:47:14 > 0:47:15I was walking down the street
0:47:15 > 0:47:18and this crowd of kids kept shoulder-checking me really hard,
0:47:18 > 0:47:19so I said, "Hey, kids, stop touching me!
0:47:19 > 0:47:22"You're violating my parole."
0:47:25 > 0:47:27Oh... I have a bit of a cold right now.
0:47:27 > 0:47:29The worst part for me about having a cold
0:47:29 > 0:47:34is when you smell women's hair on the bus, they can hear you.
0:47:39 > 0:47:42I grew this beard because I wanted to, like, have the beard of a man.
0:47:42 > 0:47:44It didn't work, though.
0:47:44 > 0:47:47I just have the beard of a woman in the circus.
0:47:50 > 0:47:52Sometimes people scream at me...
0:47:52 > 0:47:55Yesterday somebody screamed, "Hey, is your beard real? "
0:47:55 > 0:47:56Is it real?!
0:47:56 > 0:47:59As if, if it wasn't, this is the beard I would choose.
0:48:01 > 0:48:03Like, "I'll take patchy hobo again."
0:48:04 > 0:48:06And I was like, "No, actually, it's not real.
0:48:06 > 0:48:10"I just model it after Mr Miyagi's balls."
0:48:13 > 0:48:17# When I was just a little boy
0:48:17 > 0:48:20# I asked my mother "What will I be?"
0:48:20 > 0:48:22# Will I be rich?
0:48:22 > 0:48:23# Will I be famous?
0:48:23 > 0:48:25# Here's what she said to me... #
0:48:25 > 0:48:27"NO!"
0:48:34 > 0:48:36That's what she said.
0:48:36 > 0:48:37MAN IN AUDIENCE: Aww.
0:48:37 > 0:48:40When I was a kid, I wanted to be a superhero.
0:48:40 > 0:48:41That was my dream.
0:48:41 > 0:48:44I'd watch Spider-Man, and then I realised, "Oh, his parents are dead."
0:48:44 > 0:48:48Then I was watching Batman, and I was like, "Oh, his parents are dead too."
0:48:48 > 0:48:49And then I was watching Superman,
0:48:49 > 0:48:52and I was like, "Oh, his parents are also dead."
0:48:52 > 0:48:54And then the next day, I was just sitting there
0:48:54 > 0:48:57staring at my shitty parents,
0:48:57 > 0:49:00realising they're the obstacle to me having powers.
0:49:02 > 0:49:04Like, "Yeah, you guys got to get out of the way.
0:49:04 > 0:49:09"I hope the roads are icy tomorrow and you die, so I can learn to fly."
0:49:10 > 0:49:12And I love X-Men.
0:49:12 > 0:49:14My favourite X-Man is Professor Xavier,
0:49:14 > 0:49:18because that guy's in a wheelchair, but he can move things with his mind.
0:49:18 > 0:49:20But that's what I never understood - like,
0:49:20 > 0:49:22if you could move a huge building with you mind,
0:49:22 > 0:49:25shouldn't you be able to move your legs with your mind?
0:49:25 > 0:49:30CHEERING
0:49:30 > 0:49:34I think he was just faking it for a better disability cheque.
0:49:34 > 0:49:37That's what was going on.
0:49:40 > 0:49:41I'm actually adopted.
0:49:42 > 0:49:46I am. I've never met my mom, I don't know what she does for a living.
0:49:46 > 0:49:49And that makes it hard to enjoy a lap dance.
0:49:53 > 0:49:55Some guys want some beautiful stripper,
0:49:55 > 0:49:57I just want one that doesn't have my nose.
0:49:57 > 0:49:59That's all I'm looking for.
0:49:59 > 0:50:02And I was adopted into a dysfunctional family.
0:50:02 > 0:50:04That's bad luck.
0:50:04 > 0:50:07It's like, my biological parents were like,
0:50:07 > 0:50:11"Oh, we do not have the capacity to take care of this child."
0:50:11 > 0:50:13Then my adopted parents came in, they were like,
0:50:13 > 0:50:17"Hey, we also do not have the capacity to take care of this child,
0:50:17 > 0:50:20"but luckily we're not self-aware.
0:50:21 > 0:50:23"Come here, baby Bobby."
0:50:28 > 0:50:31Well, I've been trying to sober up. Reading the news more.
0:50:31 > 0:50:33I like Obama, and not cos of his policies -
0:50:33 > 0:50:38just cos I'd be sad if David Cameron lost his only black friend.
0:50:42 > 0:50:46But I have an idea - I want you all to tell me what you think.
0:50:46 > 0:50:49I think that every person who lives in the Middle East
0:50:49 > 0:50:52should get to vote in the US elections.
0:50:52 > 0:50:54Cos it really, really affects them.
0:50:54 > 0:50:57Like, more than you. More than anyone else.
0:50:57 > 0:50:59Like, if you were a guy in America,
0:50:59 > 0:51:02who gets elected is just really a figurehead
0:51:02 > 0:51:04you blame your problems on.
0:51:04 > 0:51:09But if you're Ahmed in Afghanistan, it fucking matters.
0:51:09 > 0:51:13Like, who gets elected determines the size of your next family reunion.
0:51:19 > 0:51:21So, I'm mentally ill.
0:51:22 > 0:51:25But...I'm on meds now, I'm very medicated.
0:51:25 > 0:51:29And when I'm not, I have weird bursts of rage.
0:51:29 > 0:51:32Even weirder than you've seen already.
0:51:32 > 0:51:35And, like, I was on a train platform and I was reading a book.
0:51:35 > 0:51:37And I bumped into this lady accidentally
0:51:37 > 0:51:39and she said, "Excuse me!"
0:51:39 > 0:51:43And I was trying to be nice. I was like, "Oh, what's going on?"
0:51:43 > 0:51:44And she was like, "No!
0:51:44 > 0:51:47"You should have said excuse me before you bumped into me!"
0:51:47 > 0:51:49And you have to understand, when someone annoys me,
0:51:49 > 0:51:53I just want instant revenge, and right as she said that, a train came.
0:51:53 > 0:51:56And all I wanted to do was jump in front of the train,
0:51:56 > 0:51:58then look her in the eyes
0:51:58 > 0:52:01and say, "You know, lady, this is all your fault."
0:52:03 > 0:52:05And then die.
0:52:05 > 0:52:08And then I want my tombstone put on her front lawn.
0:52:08 > 0:52:14And it's just going to say, "Bobby Mair. 1986-2013.
0:52:14 > 0:52:17"EXCUSE ME!"
0:52:17 > 0:52:19And then you'll all read that in the paper and be like,
0:52:19 > 0:52:21"That guy took that joke too far."
0:52:23 > 0:52:27I'm Bobby Mair, you guys have been great.
0:52:27 > 0:52:28Thank you.
0:52:30 > 0:52:31Have a great night.
0:52:37 > 0:52:38Yeah.
0:52:41 > 0:52:44That was Bobby Mair!
0:52:46 > 0:52:48Thank you everybody.
0:52:48 > 0:52:50What an amazing night we've had.
0:52:50 > 0:52:54Give it up one more time for all the fantastic comedians you've seen.
0:52:56 > 0:53:00Luckily we've got time for one more act.
0:53:00 > 0:53:03They're a comedy hip-hop duo from Limerick, Ireland
0:53:03 > 0:53:05with plastic bags on their faces.
0:53:05 > 0:53:07I know what you're thinking.
0:53:07 > 0:53:09"Oh, not that sort of thing again."
0:53:09 > 0:53:11Yes.
0:53:11 > 0:53:15It's time for the YouTube sensation, the wonderful Rubberbandits!
0:53:18 > 0:53:20HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYS
0:53:43 > 0:53:45# I'm at Amanda's wedding
0:53:45 > 0:53:47# In a church on Thomas Street
0:53:47 > 0:53:49# I'm lookin' at a bridesmaid
0:53:49 > 0:53:50# And she's lookin' back at me
0:53:50 > 0:53:53# And when the service ends I ask her
0:53:53 > 0:53:56# If she wants a lift back to the hotel
0:53:56 > 0:53:59# And if it goes well finger and a shift
0:53:59 > 0:54:01# She says Fitzy drives a Mitzy
0:54:01 > 0:54:03# And he offered me a spin
0:54:03 > 0:54:05# And Enda have a Honda
0:54:05 > 0:54:07# So I might just go with him
0:54:07 > 0:54:11# And Darren Gibney said he'd bring me in his Subaru
0:54:11 > 0:54:14# So what the fuck would make you think
0:54:14 > 0:54:16# I'd wanna go with you?
0:54:16 > 0:54:18# I said, "Fuck your Honda Civic
0:54:18 > 0:54:20# "I've a horse outside
0:54:20 > 0:54:22# "Fuck your Subaru
0:54:22 > 0:54:24# "I have a horse outside
0:54:24 > 0:54:28# "And fuck your Mitsubishi I've a horse outside
0:54:28 > 0:54:33# "If you're lookin' for a ride I've a horse outside"
0:54:33 > 0:54:35# She said, "I don't believe ya"
0:54:35 > 0:54:37# I said, "It's fuckin' true
0:54:37 > 0:54:41# "I swapped him for a bag of yokes in 1992
0:54:41 > 0:54:43# "I don't need insurance
0:54:43 > 0:54:45# "I don't need no parkin' space
0:54:45 > 0:54:47# "And if you try to clamp my horse
0:54:47 > 0:54:49# "He'll kick you in the face
0:54:49 > 0:54:52# "I don't pay no tax
0:54:52 > 0:54:53# "Fuck MOT
0:54:53 > 0:54:57# "You'll arrive in style if you ride with me"
0:54:57 > 0:54:59# And the boys are walkin' over
0:54:59 > 0:55:02# Jinglin' their keys
0:55:02 > 0:55:04# I look the fuckers up and down
0:55:04 > 0:55:06# And give them one of these
0:55:06 > 0:55:08# I said, "Fuck your Honda Civic
0:55:08 > 0:55:10# "I've a horse outside
0:55:10 > 0:55:14# "Fuck your Subaru I have a horse outside
0:55:14 > 0:55:16# "And fuck your Mitsubishi
0:55:16 > 0:55:18# "I've a horse outside
0:55:18 > 0:55:21# "If you're lookin' for a ride
0:55:21 > 0:55:23# "I've a horse outside"
0:55:23 > 0:55:25# Giddy up now, baby
0:55:25 > 0:55:27# Bless my soul
0:55:27 > 0:55:31# I rode the fucker round a field back since he was a foal
0:55:31 > 0:55:33# He runs a bit like Shergar
0:55:33 > 0:55:35# And he jumps like Tir na nOg
0:55:35 > 0:55:40# He looks like Billy Piper after half an ounce of...
0:55:40 > 0:55:42# And the boys are lookin' jealous
0:55:42 > 0:55:44# As I lead yer one away
0:55:44 > 0:55:46# And just before I close the door
0:55:46 > 0:55:47# I look at her and say
0:55:47 > 0:55:50# "Would you be my girl?"
0:55:50 > 0:55:52# She says, "I will of course
0:55:52 > 0:55:57# "If ya grab me by the ponytail and ride me like a horse" Ya!
0:55:57 > 0:55:58# Fuck your Honda Civic
0:55:58 > 0:56:00# I've a horse outside
0:56:00 > 0:56:04# Fuck your Subaru I have a horse outside
0:56:04 > 0:56:08# And fuck your Mitsubishi I've a horse outside
0:56:08 > 0:56:13# If you're lookin' for a ride I've a horse outside
0:56:13 > 0:56:15# Giddy up now, baby
0:56:15 > 0:56:17# Giddy up now, baby
0:56:17 > 0:56:18# Giddy up
0:56:18 > 0:56:19# Giddy up
0:56:19 > 0:56:22# Giddy up... # HE SCATS
0:56:22 > 0:56:24# Giddy up... # HE SCATS
0:56:24 > 0:56:26# Giddy up... # HE SCATS
0:56:26 > 0:56:27# Giddy up
0:56:27 > 0:56:28# Giddy up
0:56:28 > 0:56:31# Giddy up, my fuckin' horse Yeah. #
0:56:41 > 0:56:43Good night!
0:56:50 > 0:56:53Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd