0:00:03 > 0:00:07The programme contains very strong language and adult humour.
0:00:07 > 0:00:08Hello, I'm Seann Walsh,
0:00:08 > 0:00:11coming to you from the heart of the Edinburgh Festival.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15Thousands flock here every year to watch
0:00:15 > 0:00:18and take part in countless shows on offer.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21But no-one enjoys the festival more than the Edinburgh locals
0:00:21 > 0:00:23who get to piss off to Barbados for a month
0:00:23 > 0:00:26and rent out their flat for only ?4 million.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30To be fair to the locals that do stay,
0:00:30 > 0:00:33they extend a warm welcome with their traditional greeting of,
0:00:33 > 0:00:35"Can't you just piss off back to London?
0:00:35 > 0:00:37"Look at all the bloody traffic.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39"I can't stand all this arty farty shite!"
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Sorry about the accent.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45This festival offers every type of comedy,
0:00:45 > 0:00:48from hard-hitting political satire...
0:00:48 > 0:00:50"Isn't George Bush an idiot?"
0:00:50 > 0:00:51..to surreal...
0:00:51 > 0:00:53"Er, George Bush is like a melon."
0:00:53 > 0:00:54..to deconstructive.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57"Oh, it's weird, isn't it, that I, er...I keep on saying melon?
0:00:57 > 0:00:59"Melon, melon?"
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Tonight, you'll be seeing the freshest new talent
0:01:02 > 0:01:03this festival has to offer.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07These acts are hotly tipped to be the stars of tomorrow.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Welcome to Seann Walsh's - that's me -
0:01:10 > 0:01:14Late Night Comedy Spectacular!
0:01:14 > 0:01:16CHEERING
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Thank you! Look how close you are.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38That was incredible, you didn't even move.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40You've got a shoe coming towards your head,
0:01:40 > 0:01:43you thought, "Fuck it, I'm going to take this."
0:01:43 > 0:01:46This is weird, isn't it? Yes.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Ladies and gentlemen, do you like The Caves? Whoo!
0:01:49 > 0:01:51You like The Caves. Yes, I like The Caves.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54We've got lots of fantastic new acts, we've tried to make it
0:01:54 > 0:01:57a lot easier for them, make them feel a lot more comfortable
0:01:57 > 0:02:00by dangling lightsabers above their head.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03"You better be good!"
0:02:03 > 0:02:05I'm actually used to being in caves.
0:02:05 > 0:02:06This doesn't feel...
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Not in a weird way.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13I don't just sit in the corner of a cave. "Come to me, come to me."
0:02:13 > 0:02:17No, I'm actually used to being in a cave. I lived in a basement flat.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Have you lived in a basement flat?
0:02:19 > 0:02:22I do not recommend living in a basement flat.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Have you ever done it? No - you see, that's why you're smiling.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27It is, you don't know what it's like to
0:02:27 > 0:02:32open your curtains in the morning and for it to get darker.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Every morning. "Oh, God! Look at that - and it's raining.
0:02:35 > 0:02:36"It's not even raining -
0:02:36 > 0:02:39"it's a crackhead pissing on my window!"
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I lived on my own - don't live on your own.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45I thought it would be great. Oh, the freedom, living on my own.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48No, no, no, you have to do things.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51I had to buy all my own toilet roll.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55It's dreadful, I get embarrassed. I don't like it.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57You go out to buy the toilet roll, there's giant packs
0:02:57 > 0:03:00with, like, 58 rolls inside.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03They're so big, they're the only thing in the shop
0:03:03 > 0:03:05that's got its own handle. That's how big they are.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08It feels like you're holding a briefcase.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09Walking down the street going,
0:03:09 > 0:03:11"Excuse me, got an appointment with a toilet at 9:30.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14"Excuse me, thank you. Cheers, thank you very much."
0:03:14 > 0:03:16And you have to buy the big case.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18We all want to buy the case, don't we?
0:03:18 > 0:03:21No-one wants to buy the two, just the two rolls.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25No, that's emergency only, innit?
0:03:25 > 0:03:26Yeah.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29You put that on the counter, you're effectively telling
0:03:29 > 0:03:33the shopkeeper, "I'm halfway through a shit.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38"We've run out of kitchen roll.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40"Thank you, cheers."
0:03:45 > 0:03:47I get embarrassed with stuff like that.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50I get embarrassed doing number twos in a public toilet.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54I don't like people hearing the plop.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56You know? People try and cover it up, don't they?
0:03:56 > 0:03:57People have different ways.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Some people put down the tissue, people like to roll up
0:03:59 > 0:04:03the tissue, put it down the bowl, make sure no-one hears.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Some people run the taps so if you can run the tap, run the tap.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08The best is when you're in a cubicle,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11you're in there, and then a sign from God, a gift from God -
0:04:11 > 0:04:14someone starts drying their hands.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Oh! Oh, thank God! You're just sitting there...
0:04:17 > 0:04:19"Rrrrrr!
0:04:19 > 0:04:22"Quickly, get out of me! Quickly!!
0:04:22 > 0:04:24It's harder now you've got Dyson Airblade,
0:04:24 > 0:04:26you've only got ten seconds.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29"Hurry up! Come on, hurry up, I'm on a timer!"
0:04:30 > 0:04:36I've a friend that runs the tap to cover up that she's having a wee.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Surely that just makes it sound
0:04:38 > 0:04:40like you're taking a bigger wee, doesn't it?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44That's like trying to cover up that you're taking a dump
0:04:44 > 0:04:47by dropping a brick into the bath.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Someone knocks on the door. "Is anyone in there?"
0:04:51 > 0:04:53"No, don't come in.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56"It's fine, just washing my hands."
0:04:58 > 0:05:01I mentioned I lived on my own. I don't know
0:05:01 > 0:05:04if you know much about me, but I'm a very disorganised person.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07I thought I'd get myself together. I moved in on my own.
0:05:07 > 0:05:12I moved across the road from a 24-hour off-licence.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14It's not good having a shop across the road from you
0:05:14 > 0:05:17opened 24 hours. Sounds good, it's not.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19This shopkeeper, one shopkeeper,
0:05:19 > 0:05:23knows every single different version of me.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26He knows me better than I know myself.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Because it's, like, Afternoon Seann, Afternoon Seann is fine.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33Afternoon Seann just walks in sort of, "Hiya, you all right? Hi.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36"Just, er, one pint of milk. Don't want to waste.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40"That's fine. Thanks a lot. Cheers. See you tomorrow
0:05:40 > 0:05:43"or probably later. I'll finish this quickly.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46"Oh! I'm such a twat."
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Cut to two in the morning.
0:05:47 > 0:05:53"Legend! Bloody legend, man! You stay open for me. Love you!
0:05:53 > 0:05:56"You're good to me. I'm going to get some drinks.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59"I've got some people round, we're going to have a drink.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02"I am so sorry. Do you want a drink? I'll get you a drink.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05"Have a drink, have a drink, come on, have a drink?
0:06:05 > 0:06:08"And we'll get some Doritos and have you got any dip?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11"Ketchup, that'll do, don't worry about it. Ketchup in the bag.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15"I love you. Come round, come round, come on, I'm always in your place,
0:06:15 > 0:06:16"you come round my place.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19"Come back to mine. Bye." Cut to the morning.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23HE BREATHES HEAVILY
0:06:35 > 0:06:37"Awright?
0:06:37 > 0:06:38"Just going to get some things."
0:06:40 > 0:06:42HE BREATHES HEAVILY
0:06:42 > 0:06:44"I'm going to get some cheese...
0:06:48 > 0:06:49"..and some corned beef.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55"And...and I need something healthy.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57"I'll get an onion.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03"Just...just that, please, mate. Thank you.
0:07:03 > 0:07:04"Actually, wait there as well.
0:07:04 > 0:07:10"Can I get some...? Erm, yeah, just, just that, please. Thank you.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12"See you later. Bye, cheers."
0:07:21 > 0:07:22What a great crowd!
0:07:23 > 0:07:26I'm going to introduce my first act, a wonderful act.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28She's been smashing it up in Edinburgh.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Every time I walk past her poster, it's covered in stars.
0:07:31 > 0:07:36Please welcome, all the way from Australia, Celia Pacquola!
0:07:36 > 0:07:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:41 > 0:07:45Wow! Wow! It is amazing to be here.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Good evening, it's lovely to be here tonight. I love night-time.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Night-time's my favourite of all of the times
0:07:50 > 0:07:52because night-time is the most appropriate time
0:07:52 > 0:07:54to drink alcohol, isn't it?
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Because you can drink in the day but people are like, "Hmm".
0:07:58 > 0:08:01A friend of mine, their excuse for drinking in the day is always,
0:08:01 > 0:08:04"Well, it's night-time somewhere."
0:08:04 > 0:08:07I'm like, "So, it's 10am here."
0:08:07 > 0:08:11They go, "Yeah, but it's night-time somewhere, it's totally sweet."
0:08:11 > 0:08:14I'm like, "What?!" That makes no logical sense as an argument.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16That's like if someone was stabbing someone.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20"Oi! What are you doing?" "Well, some people are surgeons."
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I mean, I don't judge because I know what judgment is like
0:08:23 > 0:08:26because I went to a psychic, guys. Yeah, I know.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29You know psychics? Fortune tellers, reverse historians,
0:08:29 > 0:08:30whatever you want to call them.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33I don't know what the collective term for psychics is. Is it a wank?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36I think it's a scam, it's a scam of psychics.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40And I don't know why this particular thing gets so much judgment on it.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Like, I'm not religious, but if you are, I don't judge you.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Like, you might like to listen to a man talk about a man in the sky.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48I would rather listen to a woman in a purple dress talk about me
0:08:48 > 0:08:50for half an hour. I don't know.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Erm, I'm trying to stop doing it,
0:08:52 > 0:08:54I'm trying to take more control, be more of an adult.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57How's this? My wallet got stolen out of my bag a while ago, right?
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Here's what I did, OK.
0:08:58 > 0:09:06Reported it at the police station, cancelled all my cards,
0:09:06 > 0:09:11Very adult, very responsible.
0:09:11 > 0:09:16my stolen wallet was found
0:09:24 > 0:09:33I feel so bad for my wallet, in there for a week.
0:09:33 > 0:09:34You know the beginning of Shawshank Redemption
0:09:34 > 0:09:37when the new prisoners are being brought through
0:09:37 > 0:09:40and the original prisoners are, like, heckling shit out of them, like, "Hey, new guy.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42"Hey, you in the leather, hey, fancy boy.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45"Hey, hey, you in the leather. Hey, hey...you're cute.'
0:09:47 > 0:09:50"Hey, fancy boy, what are you? You some kind of cheese?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56"What have you got inside you? Is it cheese?
0:09:56 > 0:10:00"If it's cheese, you're on the wrong shelf."
0:10:00 > 0:10:02"Hey, fancy boy...
0:10:04 > 0:10:06"..the light goes off when they shut the door."
0:10:09 > 0:10:11And I imagine my wallet, being all middle-class
0:10:11 > 0:10:13and scared, like, "Ha-ha-ha! I don't belong here.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16"No, no, no. I am not one of you, no, no, no.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19"I am very important to her. I will be out of here any day now."
0:10:19 > 0:10:24"Oh, yeah? That's what mayonnaise said.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27"Been here four years, haven't you, mate?"
0:10:27 > 0:10:30"I don't know what I am anymore!"
0:10:30 > 0:10:31I like my things.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34I actually sleep with my laptop in bed with me.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Does anyone do that?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Yes? Are you also single?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Here's the thing, guys, I don't want to brag -
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I've got a double bed, guys.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45And I tell you what, it's an investment bed.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47It's the bed I'm going to die in. I am done for beds.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49I will never buy another bed. It cost over 500 quid.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51I am done. It's got a pillow top.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Like, everyone in here has laid down on at least one incredible bed
0:10:54 > 0:10:57and you get on it and go, "Oh, shut up! That's amazing."
0:10:57 > 0:10:58This is my impression of an incredible bed, OK?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00"I've got you, I've got your full support.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03"I've got your head, feet, same level of support.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04"Try and trick me, jump over there,
0:11:04 > 0:11:06"I've still got you, same level of support."
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Do you want to know something exciting?
0:11:08 > 0:11:12I am the only international comedian doing bed impressions, thank you.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14I know, it's very brave.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16I've got a new one, I've got a new one,
0:11:16 > 0:11:17I've got a new one.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Hotel room bed, hotel room bed.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23SHE PRETENDS TO CRY
0:11:23 > 0:11:26"No more.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29"I'll never be clean."
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Huh?
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Memory foam, memory foam bed.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35"We meet again.'
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Has anyone bought the bed they're going to die in?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Well, you don't know, do you?
0:11:42 > 0:11:43Hey, play your cards right,
0:11:43 > 0:11:46I might've bought the bed you're going to die in.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54That is simultaneously the most menacing and romantic pick-up line
0:11:54 > 0:11:56in the whole world because it is both,
0:11:56 > 0:11:57"I hope we grow old together,"
0:11:57 > 0:12:00and, "If you come home with me, I might kill you tonight."
0:12:00 > 0:12:03But here's how I don't want to die, right? I've decided.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06I'm not good at crossing the street because I'm a really bad judge
0:12:06 > 0:12:08of how quickly a car's going to get to me.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I'm always like, "Oh! Crap, could've gone then.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12"Oh, no! Shit, that was close. Oh, I'll just..."
0:12:12 > 0:12:15I don't want to get hit by a car while I'm doing this.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Like, to die within a moment of indecision
0:12:18 > 0:12:21is an excruciating thought to me.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23I don't want the last sound I make on this sound to be...
0:12:23 > 0:12:25"Uh!"
0:12:26 > 0:12:29I want it to be, "No, David Tennant,
0:12:29 > 0:12:31"you're the greatest lover that I'VE ever had."
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Seems like a strange place to end it but I'm going to.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Thank you so much for having me.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Now, this next young man has already been described as one
0:12:45 > 0:12:47of the funniest people on Twitter.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50We have him in the flesh. Give it up for Rhys James!
0:12:53 > 0:12:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Thank you very much.
0:12:57 > 0:12:58I've had a good year so far this year.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01I've actually got myself a new girlfriend. AUDIENCE WHOOP
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Cheers, yeah. Not gay, who'd have thought?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05But I've got this girlfriend.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07I don't want to brag or anything, but I am going to,
0:13:07 > 0:13:09because she is amazing, honestly, incredible.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Genuinely one of the most beautiful women in the world.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14There's one slight hitch, one hiccup with her,
0:13:14 > 0:13:17and that is she kind of, like, talks like a 40-year-old man.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18It's weird, yeah. Still though,
0:13:18 > 0:13:22can't wait to finally meet her in person.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Oh! It's going to be a good one, it's going to be spesh.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Erm, no, it's just a joke, I'm tragically alone. OK, erm...
0:13:28 > 0:13:31What I do is actually a combination of jokes
0:13:31 > 0:13:33and spoken word poems,
0:13:33 > 0:13:36so that was a joke and this is a poem.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38It's called What I Want.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42I want to not look like a child
0:13:43 > 0:13:45And I know I've got that baby-faced boyish type quality
0:13:45 > 0:13:48But I'm actually 48 I just moisturise properly
0:13:48 > 0:13:50I want to be able to do magic tricks
0:13:50 > 0:13:52But I want no-one to know that I can do magic tricks
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Cos I don't want to be one of those magic pricks
0:13:54 > 0:13:56I want to be a better person than everyone else
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Or at least a better version less obsessed with myself.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01I want to be feared and revered like Don Corleone
0:14:01 > 0:14:04I want the confidence to call someone a goddamn jabroni
0:14:04 > 0:14:09I want to be mis-sold PPI so that someone will text me
0:14:11 > 0:14:13I want to look a waiter in the eye
0:14:13 > 0:14:17And say "You know what? It's not OK that it's Pepsi"
0:14:17 > 0:14:18I want you to think I'm a genius
0:14:18 > 0:14:19As long as you can spell it correctly
0:14:19 > 0:14:21I want to have sex with a woman
0:14:21 > 0:14:22But none of them will let me
0:14:22 > 0:14:25I want to become the voice of modern feminism
0:14:25 > 0:14:26And, no, that's not a joke
0:14:26 > 0:14:27I just think people might take it seriously
0:14:27 > 0:14:29if they hear it from a bloke
0:14:32 > 0:14:33I want to get mad bitches
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Instead of getting bitches mad
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Because they think I'm misogynistic with my diction so bad
0:14:37 > 0:14:40I want to know what love is and I want you to show me
0:14:42 > 0:14:43And I want you to hold me
0:14:43 > 0:14:46You goddamn jabroni! Yes!
0:14:46 > 0:14:48I want to be muscular
0:14:48 > 0:14:48And I want to be tougher
0:14:48 > 0:14:51I want to be like my laptop and make myself buffer
0:14:51 > 0:14:53I want to look at the stars from the streets, not the gutter
0:14:53 > 0:14:56I want people to believe that margarine is not butter
0:14:56 > 0:14:58I want the Spice Girls to finish what they started
0:14:58 > 0:15:02Cos I really, really, really want to know what a zig-a-zig-a is
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I want to be more adventurous and less pretentious
0:15:05 > 0:15:07I'd want to pay my dues if they were less expensive
0:15:07 > 0:15:10I want to know what I truly want but I don't think I ever will do
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Life is just trial and error until it kills you
0:15:12 > 0:15:14I want more people to appreciate my philosophy
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Because that life is just trial and error shit? Quality
0:15:17 > 0:15:19I honestly want to be an Adonis of comedy
0:15:19 > 0:15:20Like one of these nominees
0:15:20 > 0:15:21There's nobody stopping me
0:15:21 > 0:15:23I'm like a comic called Connolly
0:15:23 > 0:15:24I've got promise and I promise if you never unfollow me
0:15:24 > 0:15:27You'll be top of the honours list when I'm king of my colony
0:15:27 > 0:15:29All right, that's probably a little too ambitious
0:15:29 > 0:15:31I want to bring it down a peg and be more realistic
0:15:31 > 0:15:33What I really want is to say that's the end of this bit
0:15:33 > 0:15:35That was What I Want - I want to thank you all for listening.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Cheers. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:38 > 0:15:39Thank you very much.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Yeah, I know.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46I mean, there's loads of great comedians with amazing jokes
0:15:46 > 0:15:48but none of them fucking rhyme, do they?
0:15:48 > 0:15:49Pick your battles, guys.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53So, no, I'm an adult now, obviously. I don't know if you've noticed that.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Don't laugh, I'm growing a moustache, it's kicking off.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57I'm a grown-up now, I'm a grown man, fully grown man.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Honestly, my doctor said there's nothing else, this is it.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02No-one's more gutted than me.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04But I'm a grown-up - like, I finished university,
0:16:04 > 0:16:06I moved out of my university house,
0:16:06 > 0:16:08I now live in a different house with this older couple
0:16:08 > 0:16:09called Mum and Dad.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Weird parenting methods in general - my dad, I remember once,
0:16:14 > 0:16:16he caught me smoking one of his cigarettes.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18So he did that age-old thing, to teach me a lesson -
0:16:18 > 0:16:19made me smoke the entire pack.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Which is bad, but nowhere near as bad as the time he caught
0:16:21 > 0:16:24my brother taking one of his sleeping pills.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28Oh, we miss you, Timmy, we miss you. Still sleeping.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32No, don't worry, I don't have a brother. Any more, as I say.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Big fan of language, love language,
0:16:36 > 0:16:38use it most days now, it's become a thing.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Erm, a big fan of facts. Wanted to share with you guys
0:16:40 > 0:16:43a language fact. I've written it down here so I don't forget it.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45It's a pretty cool fact, so hold on to those socks,
0:16:45 > 0:16:47they're about to be blown the fuck off!
0:16:47 > 0:16:49He has actually held them, to be fair.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Thank you very much, appreciate it. Here's the fact, guys.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Did you know, Edinburgh, did you know
0:16:55 > 0:16:59that HIV is actually Roman for high-five?
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Numerals-based comedy.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Thank you very much. A big fan of online dating.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Anyone here tried online dating?
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Right, well, I recognise some of you so that is bullshit!
0:17:15 > 0:17:18I have definitely swiped left on a few of these faces.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21And right, to be fair. A couple of you are at risk.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25But, to be fair, statistically, some of you have tried online dating
0:17:25 > 0:17:28but we're embarrassed to admit it, even though we shouldn't be.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30It's a modern way of doing things. Some of you have tried it -
0:17:30 > 0:17:32looking round, you'd have fucking had to.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35We definitely have. We're ashamed of online dating and we shouldn't be.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38It's a modern way of doing things that we should celebrate, not be ashamed of.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Obviously, I haven't done it myself, I'm not a desperate loser,
0:17:41 > 0:17:42but it's a good thing.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Even happy couples who met online are still embarrassed
0:17:45 > 0:17:48and they justify their embarrassment the same way every time.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51They're always like, "Oh, yeah, we met online, us two.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53"Met three years ago, it's really good, been together ever since,
0:17:53 > 0:17:55"really happy together, it's perfect.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58"But not a great story to tell the grandkids though, is it?
0:17:58 > 0:18:00"Met online, not a great story for the old grandkids."
0:18:00 > 0:18:03And I think, "Listen, your grandkids
0:18:03 > 0:18:06"are not going to give a shit about your life."
0:18:06 > 0:18:11Grandkids today don't look up from Candy Crush on their iPhones
0:18:11 > 0:18:14to ask their grandparents about a World War.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Do you think that grandkids of the future will take off their virtual reality headsets
0:18:17 > 0:18:20where they're killing zombies with laser vision
0:18:20 > 0:18:22and fucking aliens with their electric dicks
0:18:22 > 0:18:26to turn to you and go, "Grandad, tell me about eHarmony."
0:18:27 > 0:18:29It's not the future, it's not what it looks like.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33I don't understand the world at all. Everything annoys me nowadays in the world.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Like hypocrisy, latest thing to annoy me -
0:18:36 > 0:18:38double standards everywhere you look.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Apparently, it's cute when the girl opposite me on the train
0:18:41 > 0:18:42is sucking her thumb.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Now, that's cute.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46But when I do it, I'm "weird",
0:18:46 > 0:18:48and should "get off her thumb".
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Bullshit, man! I don't understand this shit,
0:18:51 > 0:18:53I don't get it. I do not get it.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56You've been lovely. Thank you. I'm Rhys James, good night.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Now, this next guy won the award for best newcomer last year
0:19:08 > 0:19:09here at the festival.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13I can safely say he's going to blow your mind. It's John Kearns!
0:19:13 > 0:19:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Here's...here's where my life is at, right?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26If I was waiting for a train...
0:19:28 > 0:19:32..and, er...I saw a dog driving it...
0:19:34 > 0:19:37..I'd get on, you know?
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Why? Two reasons -
0:19:39 > 0:19:42he got there, fair enough,
0:19:42 > 0:19:45and if there's any delays,
0:19:45 > 0:19:48I want to hear that announcement, you know what I mean?
0:19:50 > 0:19:54I was waiting for a train, fishing in my pockets for receipts.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58I'm, er, I'm self-employed now, you know, er...
0:19:58 > 0:20:00You're all looking at me, like,
0:20:00 > 0:20:02"When's he going to take all that shit off?"
0:20:03 > 0:20:05I don't know!
0:20:05 > 0:20:09You're watching a man grapple with a joke that's...
0:20:09 > 0:20:11..that's gone a bit too far, if I'm honest.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Fishing in my pockets for receipts,
0:20:15 > 0:20:18?5 note flew out, went on the tracks.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19That's gone, innit?
0:20:19 > 0:20:21It's gone, you know.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Next day I went down there,
0:20:23 > 0:20:26I saw a mouse wearing it as a jacket, you know.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Massive lapels, he had the Queen on the back...
0:20:32 > 0:20:33He's taking the piss out of me.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37That's what happens when you leave the house!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40People start taking the piss.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43You've all worked hard,
0:20:43 > 0:20:44you've come out,
0:20:44 > 0:20:46I'm at work now, yeah?
0:20:46 > 0:20:47You're my boss.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Imagine he was your boss.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55That means when I go out -
0:20:55 > 0:20:57I like to stay in, you know.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00That's why I'd like to go to prison, I think it'd be good.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Weights, chess...
0:21:05 > 0:21:07..you never lose your keys - sounds good.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Get a bunk bed - who doesn't love a bunk bed?
0:21:14 > 0:21:17I weren't allowed a bunk bed when I was a kid, erm...
0:21:17 > 0:21:20My childhood can basically be summed up by
0:21:20 > 0:21:23when Wallace and Gromit were on TV,
0:21:23 > 0:21:24my mum would go,
0:21:24 > 0:21:26"John, your friends are on!"
0:21:26 > 0:21:27That's about it, you know.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31I liked Paddington Bear, as well.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34I trusted him, you know?
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Imagine he walked in now.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41I'd like that a lot, yeah.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44He taught me a valuable life lesson -
0:21:44 > 0:21:49if you meet someone who keeps a sandwich under their hat,
0:21:49 > 0:21:52make them your best mate, you know.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54That's what Pharrell's got under there.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58You're finding it funny.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01You can't stand the sight of me.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05I can't win!
0:22:07 > 0:22:11When I was a kid I worked hard, you know? I wore dungarees.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15I like kids in dungarees, they make me laugh, you know?
0:22:15 > 0:22:17They look like frustrated mechanics.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22All their tools are plastic, they've got nothing to fix,
0:22:22 > 0:22:23it's driving them mad.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27I used to finish pencils when I was a kid.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32I don't remember the last time I finished a pencil.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34I'd show people at school, "Look at that."
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Look at it, mate!
0:22:39 > 0:22:41I'm right here, look at it!
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Look at it!
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Look at it, it's just a nib and a rubber.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Look at that, mate.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Get your jeweller's glass out, have a look at that.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52The Borrowers are missing a chimney,
0:22:52 > 0:22:53have a look at that, fella!
0:22:54 > 0:22:58I'm working so hard, I'm making stationary disappear.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Now I only work that hard
0:23:03 > 0:23:06if there's two poppadoms left in a group of six, yeah?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08I want my share.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10You like a poppadom, fella?
0:23:10 > 0:23:11Aye.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Yeah? All right, OK.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Mango chutney! You like that?!
0:23:17 > 0:23:19OK.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21Lime pickle?
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Nah.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25You know what you like. I like you.
0:23:27 > 0:23:28I know what I like, yeah?
0:23:30 > 0:23:33I like going in the jacuzzi when my shorts blow up, I like that.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38I like writing on a banana skin with a biro.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40Just trust me on that one.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Tweet me later, just trust me, yeah?
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Do you like the cinema?
0:23:46 > 0:23:47You been to the IMAX?
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Yeah. If you've never been to the IMAX,
0:23:50 > 0:23:52I'm going to leave you with this, yeah?
0:23:52 > 0:23:55When you book, you've got two options.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Er, you can sit in row A,
0:23:58 > 0:24:00where the screen's like behind you, yeah?
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Or you can see a film at 9am
0:24:04 > 0:24:06like you're on crystal meth.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09Thanks very much.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Our next act is a brilliant stand up.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18He was so good on the show last year,
0:24:18 > 0:24:19he's back for more.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21It's Dane Baptiste!
0:24:21 > 0:24:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Hey, hi. How are you?
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Thank you, guys.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I was kind of worried about coming up here
0:24:29 > 0:24:31cos I didn't want to be confused
0:24:31 > 0:24:33with the other seven black guys performing at the Festival.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36It's very awkward when someone hands you a flier
0:24:36 > 0:24:38with your own face on it, so...
0:24:38 > 0:24:40But I want you to know I don't presume ignorance,
0:24:40 > 0:24:42cos I have been guilty of ignorance myself,
0:24:42 > 0:24:44because I guess the same way that some people
0:24:44 > 0:24:46might look at black guys at the Festival
0:24:46 > 0:24:48is the same way that I look at bagpipes.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51That all sounds the same to me, I'm sorry.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52Cos I'll be honest with you,
0:24:52 > 0:24:55I actually thought there was one long song called "Bagpipes".
0:24:55 > 0:24:56I thought that's how it worked,
0:24:56 > 0:24:58but last year I was walking down a street in Edinburgh
0:24:58 > 0:25:00and a guy was like "Awright, thank you.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02"Noo, this next song is called..."
0:25:02 > 0:25:05I was like "Next song? Are you sure there's a...?
0:25:05 > 0:25:06"..second song?"
0:25:06 > 0:25:09So I want to tell you about me. I am the son of immigrants,
0:25:09 > 0:25:11my parents come from an island called Grenada.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Have you guys heard of it? AUDIENCE WHOOPS
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Cool. And my mum is from an island called Carriacou,
0:25:15 > 0:25:17have you heard of that? AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Yep!
0:25:17 > 0:25:19That's a surprise.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Now, for those of you who don't know, Carriacou is a floating village,
0:25:22 > 0:25:24there's about 10,000 people on the island,
0:25:24 > 0:25:26and we have one gay in the village.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30That's not because we're homophobic,
0:25:30 > 0:25:33it's just that the island is simply too small to support a parade.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37It would just be one guy in body glitter
0:25:37 > 0:25:38walking back and forth across the street,
0:25:38 > 0:25:40which doesn't really work.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Now, the gay guy in Carriacou, whose name is Ping Ping -
0:25:43 > 0:25:45I don't know why he's called Ping Ping,
0:25:45 > 0:25:46I just remember 15 years ago
0:25:46 > 0:25:49going with my friends and my family through Carriacou
0:25:49 > 0:25:51and everybody saw him and they went "Ping Ping!",
0:25:51 > 0:25:53and he went "Pong Pong!"
0:25:54 > 0:25:56I guess it's his way of saying he bats for the other team,
0:25:56 > 0:25:58so that's cool.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Now, my dad's from the mainland, my dad's from Grenada,
0:26:00 > 0:26:03also a small island, there's about 100,000 people on the island.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07Now, not very many famous people come from Grenada, but I can name a few.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Race car driver Lewis Hamilton - his family are from Grenada.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12And the soldier Private Johnson Beharry,
0:26:12 > 0:26:16who was awarded the Victoria Cross - his family are from Grenada.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18And classical 20th century composer and song writer
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Craig David.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22LAUGHTER
0:26:22 > 0:26:23I don't know if I like that laugh.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Craig David's one of the seminal artists of the 20th century
0:26:26 > 0:26:29and a pioneer of the garage genre.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31And I'm tired of having to come on stage and defend my countryman.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Now, I bring up Craig David because we cannot deny
0:26:35 > 0:26:38that there's a black influence on the music in this country.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Do you know what that music would be without that black influence?
0:26:41 > 0:26:42It would be Eurovision.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47No-one cares about the Eurovision Song Contest in this country,
0:26:47 > 0:26:50cos if you're European and you do the Eurovision Song Contest,
0:26:50 > 0:26:52you want the option of having a musical career,
0:26:52 > 0:26:54whereas if you're English and do Eurovision,
0:26:54 > 0:26:56your musical career's run out of options.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00Now, you get a lot of comedians, when they get famous what they do
0:27:00 > 0:27:02is they do Comic Relief, where they go to Africa,
0:27:02 > 0:27:05they speak to some kids, they start crying,
0:27:05 > 0:27:06and then they go home.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09I'm not going to do that, I'm going to change the game.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11I'm going to help out some people who really need my assistance,
0:27:11 > 0:27:13and I've got a charity called Sonic Relief,
0:27:13 > 0:27:16which means I'm going to go to the deepest, darkest regions
0:27:16 > 0:27:18of Eastern Europe and bring those poor children
0:27:18 > 0:27:20the music that they deserve.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23I'm going to be just like Bono, I've got a whole campaign plan.
0:27:23 > 0:27:24It's going to be like this -
0:27:24 > 0:27:27ladies and gentlemen, click your fingers.
0:27:30 > 0:27:31SOMBRE MUSIC STARTS
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Every time you click your fingers,
0:27:33 > 0:27:36a child in Eastern Europe also clicks their fingers,
0:27:36 > 0:27:38but they do it completely out of rhythm.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44I need your help to stop these children being exploited
0:27:44 > 0:27:47by bands like the Vengaboys
0:27:47 > 0:27:49and David Guetta.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Your donations can treat preventable diseases,
0:27:52 > 0:27:55like two left feet
0:27:55 > 0:27:56and tone deafness.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00Please give now. Thank you very much.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02MUSIC STOPS
0:28:02 > 0:28:04I think that's really going to work guys.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07I grew up with a lot of other immigrant kids
0:28:07 > 0:28:10and what we always do as kids is talk about the most masculine things
0:28:10 > 0:28:12that our nations are known for.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14So my friends that were Italian would be like,
0:28:14 > 0:28:16"You don't want to fuck with Italians
0:28:16 > 0:28:19"cos everyone knows about Ferraris and the mafia," and that was cool.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21They'd be like, "You don't want to fuck with Jamaicans
0:28:21 > 0:28:25"cos everyone knows about reggae and rude boys and weed,"
0:28:25 > 0:28:26and that was cool.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Grenada is known for nutmeg, which...
0:28:30 > 0:28:32..is not the most masculine thing that you can be known for,
0:28:32 > 0:28:35so for a long time, I've been secretly wishing
0:28:35 > 0:28:37that nutmeg would become illegal.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Just so I can live out my gangster fantasies,
0:28:41 > 0:28:42like the rest of my friends.
0:28:42 > 0:28:45You know, all it's going to take is a smear campaign from the Daily Mail.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48"Some people call it Starbucks dust."
0:28:52 > 0:28:55"Others are calling it Megan Fox, due to its brown colour.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57"But the new craze sweeping the nation are young kids
0:28:57 > 0:28:59"trying to bust a nut...meg."
0:29:02 > 0:29:04And, who knows? Give me five years
0:29:04 > 0:29:07and I can become the kingpin of the nutmeg trade
0:29:07 > 0:29:10and start doing real big nutmeg drug deals with East End gangsters.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12It'd be perfect, they'll come up to me like,
0:29:12 > 0:29:14"Dane, you've got to try this, mate.
0:29:14 > 0:29:17"Fresh off the boat, Caribbean cocaine.
0:29:17 > 0:29:18"Sweet as a nutmeg."
0:29:20 > 0:29:23And I'm like, "All right, I'll try it.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26"And if it is what you say it is, maybe we can do business."
0:29:27 > 0:29:29"Mmm, mmm.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32"Now kill these mother fuckers."
0:29:32 > 0:29:33"What do you mean Dane?"
0:29:33 > 0:29:35"What do I mean? THERE'S CINNAMON IN THIS SHIT!
0:29:35 > 0:29:36"DON'T FUCK WITH ME, OK?!"
0:29:38 > 0:29:40"I know cinnamon when I taste it.
0:29:40 > 0:29:43"See, I know what happened here - you thought I was Craig David.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46"You tried to meet me on a Monday, take me for a drink on Tuesday...
0:29:46 > 0:29:49"Fuck me on Wednesday until the weekend?!"
0:29:49 > 0:29:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:51 > 0:29:54I've been Dane Baptiste, thank you very much. Cheers, thank you.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:59 > 0:30:02Now, ladies and gentlemen, last year I mentioned
0:30:02 > 0:30:05that I look like the girl from Outnumbered.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08Yeah, get over it!
0:30:09 > 0:30:13This year, I thought I'd read out some Tweets that people have sent in
0:30:13 > 0:30:16to tell me what they think I look like. So here we go.
0:30:18 > 0:30:20First up, "I think you look like
0:30:20 > 0:30:22"the winner of Eurovision".
0:30:26 > 0:30:27Up next,
0:30:27 > 0:30:29"A badly shaven testicle".
0:30:33 > 0:30:36"A dead weasel covered in Pot Noodle."
0:30:37 > 0:30:39"A plughole full of pubes"?
0:30:40 > 0:30:41What's this?!
0:30:41 > 0:30:43"A hobbit's foot"?
0:30:45 > 0:30:48"The bloke who lives in the caravan with a shotgun
0:30:48 > 0:30:50"in any apocalyptic film."
0:30:52 > 0:30:55"Right, it's all a conspiracy! Come with me! Let's go!"
0:30:57 > 0:31:00And finally, "a character in Game Of Thrones,
0:31:00 > 0:31:02"if Game Of Thrones had a heroin addict".
0:31:10 > 0:31:13Our next act has had an incredible year.
0:31:13 > 0:31:15She's been performing from New York to Singapore,
0:31:15 > 0:31:19and now she's here in The Caves to perform for you.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22Please welcome Luisa Omielan!
0:31:29 > 0:31:32What up, bitches? Yeah!
0:31:32 > 0:31:34So, I'm 31, guys,
0:31:34 > 0:31:37and I've learnt at the age of 31 what's important in life
0:31:37 > 0:31:39and what makes me happy, and do you know what?
0:31:39 > 0:31:40I realise what I want,
0:31:40 > 0:31:43what I really need in my life, what I want, guys...
0:31:43 > 0:31:45..is a penis. OK?
0:31:45 > 0:31:47I need a penis!
0:31:47 > 0:31:50I want a penis that every time it sees me, it goes, "Yay, it's Luisa!"
0:31:50 > 0:31:51That's what I want.
0:31:51 > 0:31:53I've got willies, but they're in the drawer.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56I want a penis with a man on the end, that's what I want.
0:31:56 > 0:32:00And I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting that, bitches,
0:32:00 > 0:32:02and what annoys me is when people are like
0:32:02 > 0:32:05"Oh, Luisa, that's really desperate. Oh, my God, why would you say that?"
0:32:05 > 0:32:07Do you know who says that?
0:32:07 > 0:32:10Bitches in relationships, that's who.
0:32:10 > 0:32:13Not single people. No, because we know how hard it is.
0:32:13 > 0:32:16And let me clarify, right, it's not just me that needs a penis.
0:32:16 > 0:32:18Hell, no. Penises need me. Yeah.
0:32:18 > 0:32:21Let me explain, shall I? Because, ladies,
0:32:21 > 0:32:23I don't know if you've had this experience -
0:32:23 > 0:32:26every guy that I have ever knobbed
0:32:26 > 0:32:30has gone on to do really fucking well at life.
0:32:31 > 0:32:35I had sex with this guy - unemployed for eight months, he had no job.
0:32:35 > 0:32:37We had sex, he now works at IBM.
0:32:37 > 0:32:39Why? My vagina!
0:32:41 > 0:32:43I had sex with a guy who had commitment issues.
0:32:43 > 0:32:47He was like, "I love you, but no. I'm going to marry you. Fuck it, no."
0:32:47 > 0:32:49We had sex, he's now engaged, bitches. Yeah.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52Engaged. Somebody else, not me. But why? My vagina!
0:32:53 > 0:32:56I fucked a dude with no legs. No legs!
0:32:56 > 0:32:59We had sex, he now plays for Chelsea.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04Because my vagina heals people!
0:33:05 > 0:33:08I've got some new rules, because I'm ready to meet somebody,
0:33:08 > 0:33:10and I've got three things.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12I want to meet somebody new, and it's really simple.
0:33:12 > 0:33:14One thing I'd like from a guy -
0:33:14 > 0:33:17stop making me put a finger up your bottom.
0:33:18 > 0:33:22Look at my nails. Don't want to do it, OK?
0:33:22 > 0:33:50Another thing, when we are making love and I'm on top of you,
0:33:54 > 0:33:56"Stop it! Stop it!
0:34:00 > 0:34:02"Stop it! Stop it!
0:34:02 > 0:34:07"I don't want it deeper. I don't care if it makes you come harder.
0:34:07 > 0:34:11SHE SIGHS
0:34:11 > 0:34:16is for him to be really romantic.
0:34:16 > 0:34:18Wash your willy!
0:34:20 > 0:34:22Wash your willy.
0:34:22 > 0:34:30Maybe it's just me that gets them all the time, I don't know.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33They come back to your house and pull their trousers down
0:34:33 > 0:34:35and walk around butt naked. Why? "I'm a boy!
0:34:35 > 0:34:38"I've got no body issues. Look, I'm just a boy with my willy out.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40"Oh! I have a big belly and no cellulite.
0:34:40 > 0:34:43"Why? Because God is fair.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47"Hm, what could I possibly put my willy in?
0:34:47 > 0:34:51"Oh! Is that a bowl of dust? I'll put my willy in there.
0:34:51 > 0:34:59"Hey, what's that in the fridge? Is that a bowl of cheese?
0:34:59 > 0:35:01"I know. Luisa's face!"
0:35:01 > 0:35:03No!
0:35:04 > 0:35:10Wash your willy!
0:35:10 > 0:35:12I'm not coming in from Zumba and sitting on your face, am I?
0:35:14 > 0:35:19I saw my ex at a train station about six months ago,
0:35:19 > 0:35:21cos when you see your ex for the first time, you want to be cool.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23Let me just re-enact it for you.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25This is me seeing my ex at a train station.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28I think you'll be really proud of me. OK.
0:35:28 > 0:35:30MUSIC: Adagio For Strings by Samuel Barber
0:36:15 > 0:36:19I defy you, stars!
0:36:24 > 0:36:26I'm over it, guys, is what I'm saying.
0:36:27 > 0:36:30I'm Luisa Omielan, you've been lovely - thank you, big love.
0:36:35 > 0:36:37This next guy has been supporting all the big names
0:36:37 > 0:36:39throughout the UK.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42You're going to love him. Give it up for Omar Hamdi!
0:36:46 > 0:36:48I'm not from here. I'm a little bit international.
0:36:48 > 0:36:50I'm originally from Wales.
0:36:52 > 0:36:55Good, a few of you are laughing.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58Most of you are just going, "Where are you really from?"
0:36:59 > 0:37:01One guy at the back just shouts,
0:37:01 > 0:37:04"Oh, my God! Global warming's hit the valleys.
0:37:06 > 0:37:07"What does this mean?"
0:37:07 > 0:37:11No, I'm not 100% Welsh. Relax. My parents are from Egypt.
0:37:11 > 0:37:12They moved from Egypt
0:37:12 > 0:37:14to the Welsh valleys in the Seventies.
0:37:14 > 0:37:17They wanted to get away from the poor education system and the poverty.
0:37:20 > 0:37:23It was a wasted trip, really, wasn't it?
0:37:23 > 0:37:24Yeah, I don't know.
0:37:24 > 0:37:27I'm a bit of an outsider. What chance did I have at fitting in?
0:37:27 > 0:37:30I'm an Egyptian from Wales.
0:37:30 > 0:37:33I'm a good Muslim boy, I'm not meant to be playing the field.
0:37:33 > 0:37:37It's meant to be, "Omar, you're 13. Pick a cousin. Done."
0:37:38 > 0:37:41That's as close as I get to being a player.
0:37:41 > 0:37:44This is me the morning after. This is me.
0:37:44 > 0:37:47"Oh, Omar, that was amazing! Do you want to get us breakfast?"
0:37:47 > 0:37:51"Forget breakfast, I've got us
0:37:51 > 0:37:52"matching gravestones.
0:37:58 > 0:38:00"Why are you crying? It's romantic!"
0:38:01 > 0:38:03I can't fit in. I'm a feminist.
0:38:03 > 0:38:05I was brought up by a single mum.
0:38:05 > 0:38:07Right? My choice was be a feminist or...
0:38:08 > 0:38:09..be an orphan.
0:38:11 > 0:38:13I don't know how mums do what they do, especially single mums.
0:38:13 > 0:38:15I'm not man-bashing, by the way.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18There are great single dads like there are great single mums.
0:38:18 > 0:38:21I think single dads get a tougher time from society.
0:38:21 > 0:38:22Single mums get an easier time.
0:38:22 > 0:38:26"I'm a single mum." "Aw, come here"
0:38:26 > 0:38:27"I'm a single dad."
0:38:30 > 0:38:32"Did you kill the mum?"
0:38:33 > 0:38:35And look, why do dads walk out?
0:38:35 > 0:38:39If men and women carried the baby for four and a half months each,
0:38:39 > 0:38:42we'd think twice, then, wouldn't we, mate?
0:38:42 > 0:38:44Yeah, we'd be like, "Oh! I can't handle it. I have to leave.
0:38:44 > 0:38:48"Actually, you destroyed my penis on the way out, mate.
0:38:49 > 0:38:52"I wanted a Caesarean. Why?"
0:38:52 > 0:38:55I'm sure there were times my mum was, "I can't handle it. I have to go.
0:38:55 > 0:38:57"Actually, look at you -
0:38:57 > 0:38:59"you destroyed my vaj, you made my tits sag,
0:38:59 > 0:39:00"you took my best years.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03"I'm staying put, Omar. I want a return on my investment.
0:39:05 > 0:39:06"Where is my return?"
0:39:06 > 0:39:08Because there is no return on investment.
0:39:08 > 0:39:10I used to work in advertising before I did this.
0:39:10 > 0:39:15I couldn't sell motherhood. How would you advertise motherhood?
0:39:15 > 0:39:16No-one would buy it.
0:39:16 > 0:39:18"Motherhood! That insomnia you've got,
0:39:18 > 0:39:22"it's not insomnia any more, it's motherhood!
0:39:22 > 0:39:23"That lack of social life,
0:39:23 > 0:39:27"it's not lack of social life any more, it's motherhood!
0:39:27 > 0:39:29"Best of all, 23 years' time,
0:39:29 > 0:39:33"your son's going to be on the stage in Edinburgh in a cave
0:39:33 > 0:39:36"talking about your saggy vagina!
0:39:37 > 0:39:40"Motherhood! Also available, fatherhood.
0:39:40 > 0:39:42"Invest nothing, get half the credit, leave when you want."
0:39:45 > 0:39:47Thank you, Edinburgh. Good night!
0:39:51 > 0:39:52Brilliant!
0:39:52 > 0:39:55Now, our next act is a Canadian stand-up
0:39:55 > 0:39:57who can be seen gigging all around North America.
0:39:57 > 0:40:01He's now storming gigs in the UK. It's John Hastings!
0:40:04 > 0:40:06Oh, yes!
0:40:07 > 0:40:08Thank you so much.
0:40:08 > 0:40:11It feels so nice to be performing here in my new home,
0:40:11 > 0:40:12the United Kingdom.
0:40:12 > 0:40:16I've been here for two years and I love it here now.
0:40:16 > 0:40:18When I arrived, not so much.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21This was not the island I was told it would be.
0:40:21 > 0:40:24In my head, the United Kingdom would be an island
0:40:24 > 0:40:28full of grannies waiting to give me tea and advice.
0:40:29 > 0:40:33But that's not what this island is, is it? No!
0:40:33 > 0:40:37This island is like living inside your dad's head while he's driving -
0:40:37 > 0:40:41just needlessly angry and accidentally racist all the time.
0:40:47 > 0:40:51And it's either just too relaxed or too aggressive.
0:40:51 > 0:40:53Too relaxed, too relaxed at the borders.
0:40:53 > 0:40:54I'm a North American.
0:40:54 > 0:40:57In North America, we do borders properly.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00You walk into a room, it's black, there's a man there,
0:41:00 > 0:41:02he's got a bulletproof vest, a gun,
0:41:02 > 0:41:05abs on his eyeballs, biceps on his chin.
0:41:07 > 0:41:09The UK, what are your borders like?
0:41:09 > 0:41:11It's just a fat man looking for someone to talk to.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16Sat there, packet of crisps on the go. You walk up.
0:41:16 > 0:41:18"What are you doing, smuggling drugs? Hope not.
0:41:18 > 0:41:20"Or hope so. We'll find out."
0:41:21 > 0:41:24And arriving, Canadian passports are black,
0:41:24 > 0:41:26and so when I handed it to the border guard,
0:41:26 > 0:41:28July 23rd 2012,
0:41:28 > 0:41:29he looked at the black passport
0:41:29 > 0:41:31and went, "Ooh! Scary."
0:41:34 > 0:41:39It was nerve-racking, the first time I'd ever been an immigrant.
0:41:39 > 0:41:42And I'm thinking, "Well you're going to have to say to a border guard
0:41:42 > 0:41:44"your job is 'comedian'.
0:41:44 > 0:41:45"That doesn't sound like a job,
0:41:45 > 0:41:48"that sounds like you're a drug smuggler who forgot an excuse."
0:41:50 > 0:41:52So what I decided to do, I wrote a joke. I wrote a joke.
0:41:52 > 0:41:55Special occasion. Walked up, my joke was,
0:41:55 > 0:41:59"Hey! I know I don't look like a comedian, I look like a ghost."
0:42:04 > 0:42:07He looked me up and down and he went, "No, mate,
0:42:07 > 0:42:09"you don't look like a ghost,
0:42:09 > 0:42:11"you look like Hitler's wet dream."
0:42:16 > 0:42:19The words you choose - far too aggressive.
0:42:19 > 0:42:21"Snogging" is your word for kissing.
0:42:21 > 0:42:25That doesn't sound like something you would do to someone you love,
0:42:25 > 0:42:30it sounds like something you and four friends did to someone you hate.
0:42:30 > 0:42:31"Hey, what happened to Tom?"
0:42:31 > 0:42:34"I'll tell you what happened to Tom. He stole 1,500 quid from me.
0:42:34 > 0:42:38"Me and the lads went to his flat. We snogged the shit out of him."
0:42:40 > 0:42:43And "pulling", that's a very negative word.
0:42:43 > 0:42:48No-one's ever been pulled into a room and given cake and compliments.
0:42:49 > 0:42:51You're pulled into a van
0:42:51 > 0:42:52and then you're never heard from again.
0:42:54 > 0:42:57First arrived, I try and seek solace in pubs.
0:42:57 > 0:43:01Very intimidating as a Canadian, because we party different.
0:43:01 > 0:43:03In Canada, if you're going to get drunk,
0:43:03 > 0:43:04that's one type of party.
0:43:04 > 0:43:07Or you're going to do drugs. That's a different type of party.
0:43:07 > 0:43:10Or you're going to celebrate a nine-year-old girl's birthday.
0:43:10 > 0:43:12That's a different type of party.
0:43:12 > 0:43:16You professionals put that all together,
0:43:16 > 0:43:18which is why in the subsequent two years,
0:43:18 > 0:43:21I've been offered ketamine at two separate Bar Mitzvahs.
0:43:23 > 0:43:25Walking into pubs, what do I find there?
0:43:25 > 0:43:29I find all of you "fancying" one another.
0:43:29 > 0:43:38That's your word for it. It's the least fancy thing I've ever seen.
0:43:38 > 0:43:47"Undo your corset, madam, time for the passion".
0:43:47 > 0:43:50playing a game called "drink all the Jager in the world".
0:44:11 > 0:44:27And then the women turn coquettishly and giggle.
0:44:40 > 0:44:45Where does it come from? It comes from one phrase.
0:44:45 > 0:44:51Your friend turns to you, hits you on the arm
0:44:51 > 0:44:54And then you say, "You're right, mate," and you do.
0:44:55 > 0:44:59When I first heard that, I thought that was misogyny personified.
0:44:59 > 0:45:01But it's not, it's patriotism.
0:45:04 > 0:45:09The most defining moment in the history of the United Kingdom
0:45:09 > 0:45:10What happened on that day?
0:45:10 > 0:45:13Henry VIII stood in his court. Before him, his courtiers,
0:45:13 > 0:45:15to his right, Catherine of Aragon,
0:45:15 > 0:45:22to his left, his most prized advisor, Thomas Cromwell.
0:45:22 > 0:45:24Thomas sees her
0:45:24 > 0:45:40and then Thomas does his duty as an advisor.
0:45:40 > 0:45:46which leads to the Spanish Armada, which leads to British military build-up,
0:45:46 > 0:45:51leaving my ancestors in the snow with the French next to America!
0:45:54 > 0:46:02So, when you ask Canadians, "Why are you guys always saying 'sorry'?",
0:46:02 > 0:46:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:46:09 > 0:46:11CHEERING
0:46:11 > 0:46:26Great stuff!
0:46:26 > 0:46:30Hello!
0:46:30 > 0:46:32something about what town they come from
0:46:32 > 0:46:35and then they criticise it for being working-class
0:46:35 > 0:46:39if you have my accent, right?
0:46:39 > 0:46:41because I'm from a village just outside Edinburgh,
0:46:41 > 0:46:43same one as Susan Boyle.
0:46:43 > 0:46:44Have we heard of her?
0:46:44 > 0:46:46Poor old Subo.
0:46:46 > 0:46:49When she first got famous, I remember everyone in the London-centric media
0:46:49 > 0:46:53was like, "Look at her face, look at her disgusting face!
0:46:53 > 0:46:57"How can she sing like an angel with such a hairy, hideous face?!"
0:46:57 > 0:47:00I was sitting reading this at home
0:47:00 > 0:47:03going, "My entire family and friends look like that."
0:47:04 > 0:47:07Fuck it, I look like it when I've not had a shave.
0:47:07 > 0:47:08It's just...
0:47:08 > 0:47:10But it's good being in Edinburgh, right,
0:47:10 > 0:47:14cos I've been living in Englandshire for the last four years,
0:47:14 > 0:47:18and I've found out the thing the English find hilarious
0:47:18 > 0:47:22is doing my accent back at me every day of my life.
0:47:22 > 0:47:24They love it.
0:47:24 > 0:47:26But I've found a way around it now, where any time
0:47:26 > 0:47:28one of my English pals does this to me,
0:47:28 > 0:47:31I start repeating their most shameful secrets back at them.
0:47:32 > 0:47:34In my accent.
0:47:34 > 0:47:36So, my mate Hayley loves doing my accent.
0:47:36 > 0:47:39She's left me full voicemails pretending to be me.
0:47:39 > 0:47:40We were at a party one night,
0:47:40 > 0:47:44when she thought it would be nice to say, in front of all our friends,
0:47:44 > 0:47:46"Fern, this is my impression of you."
0:47:46 > 0:47:49IN GRUFF SCOTTISH ACCENT: 'Hello! I'm Fern Brady.'
0:47:49 > 0:47:52and I went, "Hayley, this is my impression of you."
0:47:52 > 0:47:55'Please don't tell anyone about that time I had sex with my cousin.'
0:47:55 > 0:47:57LAUGHTER
0:47:57 > 0:47:59APPLAUSE
0:48:02 > 0:48:04Only in Scotland would that get a round of applause.
0:48:06 > 0:48:09I'm a very antisocial person when I'm not doing comedy, right?
0:48:09 > 0:48:13That won't have come across with my cheery, everyman onstage persona.
0:48:13 > 0:48:16And what I like doing, when I'm not gigging is,
0:48:16 > 0:48:20I get really drunk on my own, I go on the internet
0:48:20 > 0:48:23and I have zero recollection of what I've done the next day.
0:48:23 > 0:48:24It's brilliant, right.
0:48:24 > 0:48:27There was some point last year, I had well too much to drink,
0:48:27 > 0:48:29I wake up in the morning,
0:48:29 > 0:48:31the laptop is still switched on by the bed.
0:48:31 > 0:48:32That's always a bad sign.
0:48:32 > 0:48:37And I had an e-mail from the Guardian Soulmates dating website.
0:48:37 > 0:48:40If you're not familiar with it, it's Tinder for posh people.
0:48:43 > 0:48:44I shouldn't be on it.
0:48:44 > 0:48:46This is what the e-mail from them said.
0:48:46 > 0:48:49"Dear Cumguzzler..."
0:48:54 > 0:48:56There's the first indication I've had too much to drink.
0:48:58 > 0:49:01"Dear Cumguzzler, your username has violated
0:49:01 > 0:49:05"the Guardian Soulmates explicit content policy.
0:49:05 > 0:49:09"We've changed it on your behalf to FB123."
0:49:09 > 0:49:11That's a rubbish username.
0:49:11 > 0:49:14That's not going to get the cock rolling in, not like Cumguzzler!
0:49:16 > 0:49:19And by the way, I had to do a gig in Newcastle recently where there was
0:49:19 > 0:49:23a sign language interpreter on stage with me the entire time.
0:49:26 > 0:49:30And I was just waiting for the moment where she had to sign "Cumguzzler".
0:49:32 > 0:49:35And then I decided to needlessly repeat that word all the way
0:49:35 > 0:49:41through my set just to watch her try and improvise this.
0:49:41 > 0:49:42"Arrrgh!"
0:49:54 > 0:49:56Incidentally, this is going to be the first time
0:49:56 > 0:49:58my father sees me do stand-up, so...
0:50:01 > 0:50:03I should've prefaced that whole bit
0:50:03 > 0:50:06by saying I have a boyfriend who I live with,
0:50:06 > 0:50:07so I don't know why I made any of it.
0:50:07 > 0:50:10It's good, it's good going out with someone,
0:50:10 > 0:50:12but I miss pumping random guys, right.
0:50:15 > 0:50:16So...
0:50:17 > 0:50:19I found a way to recreate that,
0:50:19 > 0:50:23and I got the Tube to work with my boyfriend the other day,
0:50:23 > 0:50:26and as he went to kiss me goodbye, I went, "This was a one-time thing",
0:50:26 > 0:50:28then run away. Heh-heh!
0:50:30 > 0:50:33Onto the next Tube. It was good.
0:50:33 > 0:50:36I went into comedy because I hate other people, right?
0:50:36 > 0:50:38Not you guys. We're all pals. But I hated,
0:50:38 > 0:50:41I didn't like working with people in offices.
0:50:41 > 0:50:43Now, have you ever been working in an office
0:50:43 > 0:50:46where one of your colleagues has gone away and done a baby?
0:50:48 > 0:50:50And you're still doing your job,
0:50:50 > 0:50:53and they bring the baby into the office in a sort of parade,
0:50:53 > 0:50:55showing it off, going, "Look at my baby."
0:50:57 > 0:51:00"Look at my fucking baby.
0:51:00 > 0:51:04"Look at it, sat there like a thumb or a potato."
0:51:07 > 0:51:10And you're supposed to congratulate them on having the child,
0:51:10 > 0:51:13even though it's done nothing of any significance whatsoever.
0:51:13 > 0:51:16See what's happening here? People are being congratulated
0:51:16 > 0:51:18on their irresponsible shagging.
0:51:20 > 0:51:23And no-one ever congratulates me on my irresponsible shagging,
0:51:23 > 0:51:25just because it don't produce a baby.
0:51:25 > 0:51:26And I'll put it for you this way,
0:51:26 > 0:51:28I've never walked into the office one day
0:51:28 > 0:51:31with a halo of semen around my mouth
0:51:31 > 0:51:33and went, "Look at this, guys!"
0:51:35 > 0:51:38"I pumped the work experience boy last night."
0:51:40 > 0:51:42I've got one last thing to tell you, right?
0:51:42 > 0:51:46I was on a telly thing for the first time earlier this year,
0:51:46 > 0:51:48and that was good, because I wasn't on the dole anymore,
0:51:48 > 0:51:52but afterwards, my pals were like, "Don't go on Twitter
0:51:52 > 0:51:56"when it's being broadcast, do not go on Twitter."
0:51:56 > 0:51:57I went on Twitter, right?
0:51:57 > 0:52:01People's insults about me were more creative than I could've imagined.
0:52:01 > 0:52:03This is the worst one they said.
0:52:03 > 0:52:05Someone put up a picture of my face
0:52:05 > 0:52:08and said, "This girl has the widest apart eyes
0:52:08 > 0:52:10"I've ever seen on a human."
0:52:10 > 0:52:13I thought they were going to say I had fat arms or something.
0:52:13 > 0:52:17There is no operation, no diet where I can move one of my eyes...
0:52:20 > 0:52:21..closer to the other eye.
0:52:23 > 0:52:26And I was crying about it, I was crying loads, thinking,
0:52:26 > 0:52:28"I've lived my entire life thus far not realising
0:52:28 > 0:52:30"I look like a hammerhead shark."
0:52:34 > 0:52:36And as I went to...
0:52:36 > 0:52:37SHE GIGGLES
0:52:37 > 0:52:40I went to dab the tears away from my face,
0:52:40 > 0:52:42and I realised I couldn't find a tissue wide enough...
0:52:45 > 0:52:47..to dab at my eyes.
0:52:47 > 0:52:49Yous have been gorgeous! I've been Fern Brady.
0:52:49 > 0:52:52Enjoy the rest of your night. Good night!
0:52:52 > 0:52:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:52:57 > 0:53:00Now, I have worked with this woman many times
0:53:00 > 0:53:02and she always makes me laugh.
0:53:02 > 0:53:04You're going to love her, she's a real princess,
0:53:04 > 0:53:06give it up for Rebecca Humphries!
0:53:06 > 0:53:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:53:10 > 0:53:13Hi, I'm Rebecca Humphries, I'm 27-years-old
0:53:13 > 0:53:14and I fucking love Disney.
0:53:14 > 0:53:18So, tonight, I thought what I'd do is, I'd share with you
0:53:18 > 0:53:21my Disney Princess song.
0:53:21 > 0:53:22Picture the scene...
0:53:24 > 0:53:27AMERICAN ACCENT: I've just indulged in a mild act of rebellion,
0:53:27 > 0:53:30and my father doesn't understand me at all!
0:53:31 > 0:53:35So I've run away some place where I can be alone with my accompaniment...
0:53:35 > 0:53:37UP-TEMPO PIANO MUSIC BEGINS
0:53:37 > 0:53:40..and sing my thoughts aloud for the very first time.
0:53:43 > 0:53:47# In verse one I explain all my circumstances
0:53:47 > 0:53:51# I'm a size six with fabulous hair
0:53:51 > 0:53:52# I've got books, I've got looks
0:53:52 > 0:53:54# I've got animal friends
0:53:54 > 0:53:57# But the subtext is I just don't care
0:53:57 > 0:54:01# And at one point I'll speak for a dramatic effect
0:54:01 > 0:54:04# Then start singing again and then sigh... #
0:54:06 > 0:54:07SHE SIGHS
0:54:10 > 0:54:14# This is where I confess in a slower tempo
0:54:16 > 0:54:23# That I'm deeply unsatisfied
0:54:23 > 0:54:25# The bridge starts to play and I look over there
0:54:25 > 0:54:28# And suddenly I can see hope
0:54:28 > 0:54:31# I'm kind of scared of the hope but I'm also embracing the hope
0:54:31 > 0:54:36# And the music under me swells
0:54:36 > 0:54:39# Then the chorus kicks in
0:54:39 > 0:54:42# And the cliches begin
0:54:42 > 0:54:44# Believe in yourself, oh!
0:54:44 > 0:54:45# Follow your dreams
0:54:45 > 0:54:49# You can be part of that earth
0:54:49 > 0:54:51# And I'll sing really loud
0:54:51 > 0:54:54# Because I've totally forgotten verse one
0:54:56 > 0:54:58# And right at the end
0:54:58 > 0:55:03# I'll slip in the title of my Disney Princess song
0:55:03 > 0:55:04# Quieter
0:55:05 > 0:55:09# My Disney Princess song
0:55:09 > 0:55:11# This is the music no-one's heard before
0:55:11 > 0:55:14# It represents my new-found strength
0:55:14 > 0:55:15# It's vocally hard
0:55:15 > 0:55:18# It's generally where I'll indicate wildness
0:55:18 > 0:55:20# By letting down my hair
0:55:20 > 0:55:23# I'm fucking letting down my hair!
0:55:24 > 0:55:26# But then I'll stop
0:55:26 > 0:55:29# And in a breathy voice
0:55:30 > 0:55:33# I'll suddenly remember what's wrong
0:55:37 > 0:55:40# I'm alone in my room
0:55:41 > 0:55:43# Or a turret
0:55:43 > 0:55:46# Or under the sea
0:55:46 > 0:55:48# Or in China
0:55:48 > 0:55:50# Or in a pride in Africa
0:55:50 > 0:55:51# And I'm also a lion, by the way
0:55:55 > 0:55:58# Singing my Disney Princess song
0:56:00 > 0:56:01# Emotional?
0:56:01 > 0:56:04# My Disney...
0:56:04 > 0:56:06# Princess
0:56:06 > 0:56:11# Song. #
0:56:12 > 0:56:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:56:19 > 0:56:23Thank you very much! This has been Seann Walsh's Late Night Comedy Spectacular.
0:56:23 > 0:56:25Thank you Edinburgh, good night!
0:56:25 > 0:56:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE