0:00:07 > 0:00:09Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:09 > 0:00:13welcome to the celebrity showbiz quiz, Shooting Stars.
0:00:13 > 0:00:17And here are your hosts for this evening, Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer!
0:00:17 > 0:00:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:23 > 0:00:28# Hey, it's Saturday night and the monkeys are bouting
0:00:31 > 0:00:35# One monkey look at the other one's girlfriend
0:00:37 > 0:00:41# One monkey has a bottle One has a flick knife
0:00:44 > 0:00:47# Monkeys are fighting Run for your lives
0:00:54 > 0:01:02# So come along and let's start Shooting Stars! #
0:01:08 > 0:01:12He's bonking monkers, it's Ashley Banjo!
0:01:14 > 0:01:18ROFL, it's Sam Fa-hai-haiers!
0:01:21 > 0:01:25Ulrika-ka-ka-ka-ka!
0:01:28 > 0:01:32Jack Dee's Discount Warehouse of Plywood.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Britain's got Tarrant!
0:01:39 > 0:01:40Yey-hey!
0:01:41 > 0:01:47And finally, Ronni "I've got the jump leads" Ancona!
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Boom!
0:01:52 > 0:01:57Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, hope you enjoyed our budget performance of the West...
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- What you doing, Vic?- I'm just pumping up the feed for our guest.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- Pumping up the feed? - I'm pumping up the feed.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04SHE SCREAMS
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- Oh my God.- It's coming through, Vic.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08It's coming through. What is it?
0:02:08 > 0:02:12- It's feed. Guest feed.- What is it made of?- I don't know, I didn't ask.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15- It don't matter, does it?- It don't really matter. Don't matter.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Don't eat it! It's got to harden.
0:02:20 > 0:02:25Thanks, all, for coming, welcome to Shooting Stars. There's somebody missing, he keeps the scores.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29Let's have a round of applause for Angelos!
0:02:29 > 0:02:32MUSIC: "Single Ladies" by Beyonce
0:02:42 > 0:02:46- Angelos.- Yes, yes, my angel.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49I've got to ask - Mr August 2011. What's that about?
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Yes, well, I won that for being the best-looking bloke
0:02:52 > 0:02:54down my spelling club, so...
0:02:54 > 0:03:00- Well done.- I'm over the moon. I won £5, as you can see, thank you.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02So you going to keep the scores for us, Angelos?
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Yes, all right, thank you, just stop going on about it with all that.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09It's a load of red tape, innit, round here?
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- It's hardly the Kremlin, Angelos. - What?
0:03:12 > 0:03:16- Red tape - it's hardly the Kremlin. - I know.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Do you know what the Kremlin is?
0:03:18 > 0:03:21It's a small furry thing. If you feed it or get it wet after midnight,
0:03:21 > 0:03:23turns into a goblin.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26APPLAUSE
0:03:26 > 0:03:30First round. First question is to you, Ashley.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- Ashley Banjo, thank you so much for coming.- Thank you.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35- You're leader of the dance group Diversity.- Yeah.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Do you know the little fella with the curly hair
0:03:37 > 0:03:42and the glasses that you throw about when you do that - is he your uncle?
0:03:44 > 0:03:48- No.- Who is he, then? - He's my fellow crew member.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52- Big shout out to the whole crew! - Yeah, nice one!
0:03:57 > 0:03:59No, big time, big time.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02Ashley, true or false -
0:04:02 > 0:04:07if you combined a shih tzu and a labradoodle, you would get a shit-a-doodle-doo?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11True.
0:04:11 > 0:04:12- It's true!- Yes!
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Sam. Sam Faiaiaier.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Sam, now, what's that programme you're in?
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- The Only Way Is Essex. - The Only Way Is Essex?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27- BAD ESSEX ACCENT: - Wha'ssall tha'about, then?
0:04:29 > 0:04:32- Wha'ssat all abaht? - We don't talk like that.
0:04:33 > 0:04:38- Hey, steady!- Angelos! Careful, watch out for him. He has a tendency.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Sorry, OMG.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Sam, I'm going to ask you a question now
0:04:44 > 0:04:46but I'm going to have the question delivered to you
0:04:46 > 0:04:50- by our good friend Archie Andrews. - Archie Andrews, you're in for a treat, Sam.
0:04:50 > 0:04:55He's a very close friend. And he's going to deliver the question to you.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02EERIE MAGICAL MUSIC
0:05:07 > 0:05:10There. I think he's there. Take the question.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- And the question's on there. - What is that!- What?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- That is disgusting.- What?
0:05:18 > 0:05:20It says, "what is a spork?"
0:05:20 > 0:05:22but there's also a picture of a willy on there.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28- I beg your pardon.- Terrible man, Archie.- So what's the question?
0:05:28 > 0:05:32- What is a spork?- Well, what is a spork?- A spoon and a fork.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34- A fork and spoon? - A fork and spoon, yeah.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- BAD ESSEX ACCENT: - It's a fork'n spoon!
0:05:38 > 0:05:43I'm sorry, Sam, the answer is actually it's a fork and a spanner.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47So you can have your dinner
0:05:47 > 0:05:50and do your work under the sink at the same time.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55- It's a spork.- No, I think I'm right.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59- You think you're right. - I've heard of it before. - You think you are but you ain't.
0:06:03 > 0:06:08Ulrika. Lovely to see you, you're looking gorgeous tonight.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09Ulrika, my angel!
0:06:09 > 0:06:12I haven't forgotten about you, my sweet, sweet darling.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16I have got you this gorgeous chain here.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18It's in a presentation box.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- It's lovely, that. - Yes, it is lovely, Chris. Thank you.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Stay out of it, all right?
0:06:24 > 0:06:30And this, right, this chain links my heart to your heart.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33But give it back at the end cos it's also my bog chain, OK?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36So I will need it back.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Ulrika, I'm going to ask you three true or false questions -
0:06:41 > 0:06:42quick-fire, bang, bang, bang.
0:06:42 > 0:06:47See if you can get them all in ten seconds, point for each one. You ready?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Ulrika, true or false - Donald Trumps?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51- True.- True.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54True or false - racism is the new black?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- True.- False.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00True or false - sausage dogs contain only 35% meat?
0:07:00 > 0:07:05- True.- False. One point. One point there, Angelos.- One point.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07APPLAUSE
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Jack,
0:07:10 > 0:07:14with your face like a buttered Henderson.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18- Mmmm.- Mmmm.- Mmmm, tasty.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21With your face like a basic equation.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24With your face
0:07:24 > 0:07:26like a hobo's minge.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33How do you talk to me like that when you turn up like that? Look at you.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35- What?- Look at the state of you. - What?
0:07:35 > 0:07:39You look like a dummy from a charity shop window.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43Right, Jack, I'm going to give you a question, anyway.
0:07:43 > 0:07:48Jack, true or false - the cappuccino, the cappuccino
0:07:48 > 0:07:52was invented when a prawn fell into a cup of coffee and farted.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59- It's true?- True or false? - I'll go with true, then.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03It's actually false. What they really do is they drop an alka-seltzer in
0:08:03 > 0:08:06and just wait for the magic to happen.
0:08:06 > 0:08:12- Chris.- Hello.- So, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Can I just ask you?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14HUMS COUNTDOWN THEME
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Could I just ask - apart from winning £1 million,
0:08:19 > 0:08:21what's the point of that show?
0:08:25 > 0:08:29- It's mainly to make me rich. - I should think so!
0:08:29 > 0:08:34- There's no other real reason.- Chris, have a question.- OK, I'm ready.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Chris, can you name - look at your monitor - can you name the celebrity baby?
0:08:37 > 0:08:41It's a bonnie baby competition.
0:08:41 > 0:08:47It's not... Is it Andrew Lloyd Webber?
0:08:47 > 0:08:48Let's find out.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51It is, well done!
0:08:51 > 0:08:53APPLAUSE
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Ronni!
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Ronni Ancona!
0:09:00 > 0:09:04Oh, Ronni, Ronni.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10HE MAKES GRUNTING NOISES
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Ronni, now that we're going out with each other,
0:09:15 > 0:09:18I'm really willing to pump quite a lot of money, my money,
0:09:18 > 0:09:20into your looks.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23- You know?- Thank God.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- You will be moving into the flat with me.- Yeah.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Anyway, Ronni, what'll happen - come with me, now.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- Ronni, come out here. - It'll be all right.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34It won't just be you and me in the flat.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42There will be someone else sharing the flat with us. This is...
0:09:43 > 0:09:45This is Captain John Longcock,
0:09:45 > 0:09:48who will be sharing the flat with us. Come here.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Get to know each other.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Gaze into his eyes, because...
0:09:54 > 0:09:55# And he's my lover
0:09:58 > 0:10:01# He's my father and my brother
0:10:01 > 0:10:06# He don't say much but he's got a tender touch
0:10:06 > 0:10:09# He touches you
0:10:09 > 0:10:13# And he touches me. #
0:10:13 > 0:10:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:15 > 0:10:19That's it. You two will get on fine.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23John! John! Leave it, get off her! Get in your basket.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27- On your basket.- Adieu, John!
0:10:27 > 0:10:31- And he's your new live-in lover, is he?- Yes, that's Captain John Longcock.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Ronni, true or false - there's no point in reading a book
0:10:35 > 0:10:38because if it's any good, it'll be made into a film.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- True or false?- Definitely true.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- It is true!- Well done, Ronni.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49- Well done.- Thank you.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53That's the end of the first round, so what are the scores, Angelos?
0:11:00 > 0:11:03PUMPING DANCE MUSIC
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- So then, Mr Banjo. - What's up, mate, you all right?
0:11:16 > 0:11:18- Yeah, I'm OK, are you OK? - I'm good, mate.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Nice one. I like what you're wearing.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24I like all the gear and all that stuff and that hat you got on your head there.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- Thanks, mate.- What do you think of the jacket? You like it?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29# You can't touch this. #
0:11:32 > 0:11:36- Do you understand what I'm saying? - Sorry, mate.- Respect is due.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47Jack's got one and Ulrika's got two.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Next round is the Clips round.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57It's for both teams, so both teams take a look at this clip.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59The question follows.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07- Buh - buh - buh.- Do what?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09- Bih.- Eh?- Buh.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11- Who is it?- Hih.- What did you say?
0:12:11 > 0:12:14- Gih - buh.- Eh?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26What a delicious and juicy ripe peach.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Tell the costermonger who supplied this delicious
0:12:28 > 0:12:32and juicy ripe peach to attend upon me.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Oh! The King is cured!
0:12:35 > 0:12:38The King's peach has cured him!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Fetch the costermonger!
0:12:42 > 0:12:43Here he is.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57And you are?
0:12:57 > 0:13:01I am the costermonger, upon whom you called upon to call upon you.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04My...love.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08Great. What I shall require is a constant supply of these
0:13:08 > 0:13:11delicious, juicy, ripe peaches for ever.
0:13:11 > 0:13:16I'm afraid no, sir. That was the last of the batch in the kingdom.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Buh-buh-buh - bollocks.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28The King's Peach, there.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32The question - and we'll take your answer first, Team A -
0:13:32 > 0:13:35is we're all acutely aware that the peach is one of the hairy fruits.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38But can you tell me, what is the world's hairiest fruit?
0:13:38 > 0:13:41What's the world's hairiest fruit?
0:13:41 > 0:13:45- World's hairiest fruit? - Don't know - kiwi?- Kiwi, good guess.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48- What did you say, Sam? - Kiwi, coconut?- Kiwi.- No.
0:13:48 > 0:13:53- What are you saying, Ronni?- There's a fruit that's a very furry fruit.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57- Is there a very furry fruit but you can't remember its name?- No.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Is it Louie Spence?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Shall we just go for the furry fruit?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- You're saying it's the hirsute fruit?- Slash kiwi.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10- Slash kiwi.- Ulrika's team - Chris? Ashley? Hairiest fruit?
0:14:10 > 0:14:15- Is it the kumquat?- That's smooth! - That's what it's called, isn't it? - That's real smooth!
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- Have you never seen a hairy kumquat? - I've never seen a hairy kumquat,
0:14:18 > 0:14:21- they're all smooth!- I like that.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25- Is it hairier than a coconut?- Miles hairier than a coconut.- That's a nut.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28I'm going with the kumquat.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- What's the answer, Vic? - The answer is the rambutan.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35- The rambutan.- And here they are.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37The hairiest fruits.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40I'll just hold them there so you get... There they are.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45It's not the coconut, but by way of illustration,
0:14:45 > 0:14:47had you said coconut,
0:14:47 > 0:14:50because the coconut, of course...
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Oh!
0:14:52 > 0:14:53What's up, Vic?
0:14:55 > 0:14:58It just reminded me of my old headmaster.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03That's the end of the Clips round, so let's find out the scores,
0:15:03 > 0:15:07but more importantly, let's find out what's in your bag, Angelos?
0:15:10 > 0:15:14# What's in your bag, Angelos?
0:15:14 > 0:15:18# Tell us what's in your bag you bastard
0:15:18 > 0:15:21# A piece of fish and a little purse
0:15:21 > 0:15:24# and a Romanian gypsy curse. #
0:15:25 > 0:15:26Nice bag.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Spooky.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Spooky, spooky.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Hello, Ronni. Welcome to the show.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36I loved you in The Two Ronnies.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40- Here's a little card for you. - Thank you.- Read it out.- OK.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44- "Hello, Ronni. You are definitely a bit of all right and stuff."- Yes.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47"But it ain't never going to happen with me,
0:15:47 > 0:15:49"so stop staring at me like a nutter."
0:15:51 > 0:15:53"I am still bangin' to Ulrika,
0:15:53 > 0:15:58"and it would do her head in if I stuck it somewhere else."
0:16:01 > 0:16:05"PS, will you do your Chris Eubank impression for me?"
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Oh, Ronni, please.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10OK, I will.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18IMPERSONATING CHRIS EUBANK: First and foremost, I'm a boxer.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22Boxing, money, in the ring, everything, bang, bang, bang, boom, wallop.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Juggernaut. Thank you.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:30 > 0:16:35- What are the scores?- Jack's got one and Ulrika's got three.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Ulrika-ka-ka!
0:16:37 > 0:16:38High five. High five.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- Right, ladies and gentlemen, let's...- Bob!- Yeah.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- Are you wearing a wire?- Oh, of course not.- You're wearing a wire.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50- A wire!- What's this? - It's nothing.- It's a wire.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- No, it's part of my costume, Vic. - What do you think you're doing?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55I'm not doing anything!
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Why are you wearing a wire?
0:17:00 > 0:17:05I don't know nothing about it, Vic. I never seen that before. No way, man.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08What's this? A surveillance van?
0:17:08 > 0:17:13Banjo, you were sitting here? Why did you not say anything about this surveillance van sitting here?
0:17:13 > 0:17:16You useless buttery fart!
0:17:18 > 0:17:22You didn't say anything, what is it? Who's in here?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Ahh!
0:17:24 > 0:17:28Squirrel surveillance, I might have guessed.
0:17:32 > 0:17:33SLAPPING SOUND EFFECT
0:17:39 > 0:17:41SLAPPING SOUND EFFECT
0:17:41 > 0:17:45- Sorry, I didn't know... - Bob, how did they get to you?
0:17:46 > 0:17:50- Why did you let them get to you? - They gave me this.- What is it?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53It's a map showing where the nuts are.
0:17:55 > 0:17:56I'll take care of that.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04You know you mean so much to me.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08Ahh!
0:18:09 > 0:18:12The next round is the Dove round.
0:18:12 > 0:18:17So, ladies and gentlemen, if you could all help us beckon down that beautiful Dove From Above.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Come along, Chris. Sing it down.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22COOING NOISES
0:18:22 > 0:18:26And what a beautiful lady she is.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29- Ronni, pick a category from the Dove From Above.- Movie.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Movie, what a very good choice.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35It's a simple question, Ronni.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Ronni, what happens at the end of The Italian Job?
0:18:38 > 0:18:44Oh. Right, yes, well, they're in the truck...
0:18:44 > 0:18:48is hanging over the cliff edge,
0:18:48 > 0:18:53and then the gold is balanced in such a way that basically...
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Well, you're wrong.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59I'm afraid the answer is, at the end of The Italian Job,
0:18:59 > 0:19:01the Italian wipes his arse.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06It was a cheap ending.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08I'm so sorry, Ronni. I'm so sorry.
0:19:08 > 0:19:13Ashley, pick a category from the Dove From Above.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Going to have to be Urban.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19Urban. It's Angelos's Variety Showcase.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Watch the performance closely, the question follows.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24If you're ready, Angelos.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25ROMANTIC STRING MUSIC
0:19:34 > 0:19:37DRUMROLL
0:19:37 > 0:19:39FANFARE
0:19:53 > 0:19:56DRUMROLL
0:19:59 > 0:20:01FANFARE
0:20:01 > 0:20:03APPLAUSE
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Nice one, Angelos.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Angelos, so where's the bird, then?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13That would be telling.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Ashley, your question.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24How many celebrities can you think of with bird-related names,
0:20:24 > 0:20:27such as John Parrott?
0:20:27 > 0:20:28I'll give you a point for each one.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32- Sheryl Crow.- Nice.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36- Sparrow.- Oh, Jack Sparrow.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40- I'll give you Jack Sparrow, yeah. - The Penguin, from Batman.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45- That's three. - The juices are flowing now, come on.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48I'm going to stop you there, that's not bad. I'll give you three for that.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51You could've had Russell Crowe, John Bird, George Seagull,
0:20:51 > 0:20:55Jennifer Thrush or that blackbird who got killed in Silent Witness.
0:20:55 > 0:21:01Well done, I'll give you three for that.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05Sam, would you like to pick a category from the Dove From Above?
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Well, bedding. It's the only one left.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10You'll have to go for bedding. Bedding, there it is.
0:21:10 > 0:21:15Right, Sam, have a look at this film of two well-known people who've recently got married.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Look at them.
0:21:17 > 0:21:22Hello, I'm William, or Bill, or, as Her Royal Highness likes to call me,
0:21:22 > 0:21:26Bilbo Baggins, because I've got rather baggy bollocks for my age.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Anyway, as newly-weds,
0:21:29 > 0:21:33we'd like to know how often we should wash our bedsheets.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36I say it's once a year.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39But I say once every five years,
0:21:39 > 0:21:42as long as you have a tin of Febreze by your bedside table
0:21:42 > 0:21:46for use during the very final year.
0:21:46 > 0:21:52- And may I add that both Kate and I are medium soilers.- Yes.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57There you are, Sam.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03How often should you wash your bedsheets?
0:22:03 > 0:22:07- Is that like an actual question? - Yeah.- It is a question, yeah.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10- Not a trick question?- No. - Are you asking me?
0:22:10 > 0:22:14Yeah, I'm asking you, how often do you think you should wash your bedsheets?
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- I think... - And it's official.- Once a week?
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Once a week? Do you do it once a week?
0:22:19 > 0:22:23Do you do it or do you get your servants to do it?
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- Or your mam. - If I don't do it, Mum does it.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30- BAD ESSEX ACCENT: Your mam does it. Course she does. - I don't even talk like that.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32BAD ESSEX ACCENT: I know you don't!
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Right, once a week.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40Let's find out and see what the Royal Highnesses have got to say.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Well, the answer is you need never wash them
0:22:42 > 0:22:46as long as you give them an occasional wipe down with...
0:22:46 > 0:22:50What are those things we keep beside the bed? Dishcloths?
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Dishcloth, I think.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58You need never wash them.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02Just give them an occasional wipe down with a dishcloth.
0:23:02 > 0:23:07That's the end of the Dove round. So what are the scores, Angelos?
0:23:07 > 0:23:11- Jack's got one and Ulrika's got six! - OMG.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Wow!
0:23:13 > 0:23:14APPLAUSE
0:23:16 > 0:23:18BRASS BAND MUSIC
0:23:27 > 0:23:29AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG
0:23:38 > 0:23:39BOTH: Oi!
0:23:39 > 0:23:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:43 > 0:23:47Next round is the final round - the Quick-fire round.
0:23:47 > 0:23:53- We don't know how much time we have but when the time's up you'll hear this...- 'Oh, no, you don't.'
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Fingers on your buzzers. Sam, fingers on your buzzer.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57True or false -
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Madonna's starting to look a little bit rough now?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03LAUGHTER
0:24:04 > 0:24:05True or false?
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- BUZZER - That's Ashley.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09False.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12False - no, I'm afraid it is true,
0:24:12 > 0:24:17- and it all started after she married that Shane Ritchie bloke, didn't it? - Yeah.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19All went downhill from there.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Two of the three blind mice were disability benefit frauds.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27- Who's that?- True.- True.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34True - although they were in fact blind,
0:24:34 > 0:24:36they also claimed for dodgy backs.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41True or false - loose women have buckets stood by just in case
0:24:41 > 0:24:43the women get too loose.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45BUZZER
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- Sam.- False.- It is false.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51True or false - given a hard enough tug,
0:24:51 > 0:24:53an elephant's trunk can extend to 20 foot long.
0:24:53 > 0:24:54BUZZER
0:24:54 > 0:24:56- That's Ancona.- True. - It is true, yes.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59True or false - popular boy band Westlife
0:24:59 > 0:25:01were named after Fred West.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03LAUGHTER
0:25:03 > 0:25:07- BUZZER - That's Ulrika.- True. - Of course it's true.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09'Oh, no, you don't.'
0:25:09 > 0:25:12That's the end of the Quick-fire round.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13APPLAUSE
0:25:13 > 0:25:16So what are the final scores, Angelos?
0:25:16 > 0:25:20Well, Ulrika is tonight's winner with nine points.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:24 > 0:25:27# Ulrika, Ulrika, ooh-ooh. #
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Ulrika, you're the winning captain, it falls to you to decide
0:25:30 > 0:25:34which member of your team - could be you - should take the final challenge.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37- Shall we make it Chris? - No, let's make it him!
0:25:37 > 0:25:42- It's up to you.- Banjo. - Chris Tarrant, come join me to play tonight's final challenge.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44It's going to be something horrible.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:50 > 0:25:53I really don't trust you, Reeves, and I don't trust you, Mortimer.
0:25:53 > 0:25:58Tonight, Chris, you're going to play Crouching Tramp, Hidden Pound.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Not that old favourite!
0:26:00 > 0:26:05As always, Chris, there's a prize to be won, and here's Vic with details of tonight's prize.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Well, if you win tonight, you could win
0:26:08 > 0:26:11this pork chop and KY jelly.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12Oh, great!
0:26:12 > 0:26:16- Thanks. I'm getting low. - What you do with it is up to you.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- What you'll have to do... - There's a horrible smell here.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22It may be me, but... What is that?!
0:26:22 > 0:26:25I think you're about to find out why, because in our box here,
0:26:25 > 0:26:28we have Captain John Longcock.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31It's Captain John Longcock and in there is a pound.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34We don't know how much time we have, but when time's up, you'll hear this...
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Ha ha ha ha - PMSL.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41What you're going to have to do, is get inside there with John.
0:26:41 > 0:26:46- You're having a laugh, oh, no!- We're going to ask you to just climb in.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Get in there and find the pound! There's a pound in there.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51- I don't want the pound! - There's a pound in there!
0:26:51 > 0:26:53APPLAUSE
0:26:53 > 0:26:57- Shut it! Shut it! - One pound! One pound, get in.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59I'll get you for this.
0:26:59 > 0:27:04If at any time during this... Get in there, Chris, you've got to face it.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07- Hello.- Get in there, Chris. Go on! - You're very smelly, if I may say so.
0:27:07 > 0:27:13- Find the pound.- If at any point the attentions of John Longcock prove too much for you...
0:27:13 > 0:27:15He gets a bit randy in enclosed spaces.
0:27:18 > 0:27:23# Looking deep into your eyes
0:27:25 > 0:27:31# I want to tell you that you're where my future lies
0:27:31 > 0:27:35# I never knew love could be so real... #
0:27:38 > 0:27:42- John, what are you doing? - There's no pound.
0:27:42 > 0:27:47He gets a bit saucy in enclosed spaces. He hasn't been out in his field for a while either.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Ha ha ha ha - PMSL.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52- PMSL! That's the end of it. - You can come out now.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Did he find the pound?
0:27:55 > 0:28:00Well, he failed to find the pound so he failed to take away the pork chop.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02- Well done, Chris.- Oh, thanks.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Good night from Shooting Stars!
0:28:08 > 0:28:12# Goodbye, from Shooting Stars Goodbye, whoever you are
0:28:12 > 0:28:15# Doo-bee-doo-doo-doo Doo-bee-doo-doo-doo
0:28:15 > 0:28:18# Goodbye, once again from Shooting Stars... #
0:28:18 > 0:28:22John is now secured inside his cage
0:28:22 > 0:28:24where he can do no harm...
0:28:24 > 0:28:29until he returns home to resume his courtship with Ronni Ancona.
0:28:29 > 0:28:30Goodbye!
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:33 > 0:28:35E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk