0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains strong language.
0:00:04 > 0:00:08Yeah, I dumped her, mate. Yeah, I'll take a flat white with those, and...
0:00:08 > 0:00:11throw in a couple of them double chocolate muffins as well.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13No, take your time, idiot!
0:00:13 > 0:00:15No, she was mental, mate.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17I got her saved in my phone as Psycho-Bitch.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20- LAUGHS - Wow, sexist AND slow.
0:00:20 > 0:00:24Finally! Could I get a double-chocolate muffin?
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Sorry, we just sold the last two.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29- You don't have any more left? - No, sorry.- Unbelievable!
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Hi, excuse me. I was in the queue behind you
0:00:32 > 0:00:35and I was wondering if I could have one of your muffins?
0:00:35 > 0:00:38- What?- Yeah, well, you got the last double-chocolate ones,
0:00:38 > 0:00:40and I kind of always get one in the morning.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Helps kick-start my day.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43I do crash pretty soon afterwards because of the sugar,
0:00:43 > 0:00:45but it'd be great if I could get one of yours?
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Yeah, all right.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49- Thank you!- Yeah, for a tenner.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53You want me to pay £10 for a muffin?
0:00:53 > 0:00:54Supply and demand, darling.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Ah, fine, but I am only agreeing to this
0:00:58 > 0:01:00because I'm already two hours late for work.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Nice doing business with you, sweetheart.
0:01:03 > 0:01:04You too.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Oh, and don't call me sweetheart, you dick, it's fucking rude.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Hi, take a seat, Dan.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Cheers.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26And before we kick off, I just want to say,
0:01:26 > 0:01:29the girl at reception, what's her deal?
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Like, is she seeing anybody, or...?
0:01:31 > 0:01:34- I think she's got a boyfriend.- Cool.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39And is it, like, a long-term thing or a more chilled out,
0:01:39 > 0:01:42"You can sleep with who you want, just don't get gonorrhoea"
0:01:42 > 0:01:43type of vibe?
0:01:45 > 0:01:47It's fine, I'll ask her myself on the way out.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50Take it away.
0:01:52 > 0:01:59Well, Dan, so, the temp agency sent through your CV and, er...
0:01:59 > 0:02:02this is rubbish, right?
0:02:02 > 0:02:06Uh, well, I might have stretched the truth in places, but...
0:02:06 > 0:02:08You speak 34 languages.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12You co-founded Ask Jeeves
0:02:12 > 0:02:16and your last occupation is listed as..."prison".
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Full disclosure - last year I was briefly in prison.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23But before you ask, yes, it was for a non-violent crime.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26And no, I was not sexually assaulted while I was in there.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30D'you know what?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32- The job's yours.- Really?!
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Yeah, what the hell?
0:02:34 > 0:02:37- Yes!- I mean, all you've got to do is hold this...
0:02:39 > 0:02:42The pay's £6 an hour and you start tomorrow.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46Ah, problems. Supposed to be taking the next couple of weeks off
0:02:46 > 0:02:49- to organise a Harlem Shake video. - What?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I did try and make it clear on the CV.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54See, just under where it says I wrote the lyrics to White Flag.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57By Dido.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17WHIRRING
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Dan what are you doing?!
0:03:25 > 0:03:29- Hey, Sis.- I specifically told you not to touch any of my food.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32No, Hannah, you said I wasn't allowed to EAT any of your food,
0:03:32 > 0:03:34you didn't say anything about drinking it,
0:03:34 > 0:03:35so I made smoothies instead.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39- That's literally the dumbest thing I've ever...- It's a liquid lunch.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40Right, I'm sorry, Dan, I don't care
0:03:40 > 0:03:43if you've nowhere else to go, this is the final straw.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Fine. I'm sorry about the food, OK?
0:03:46 > 0:03:48But in my defence, I didn't think I'd get caught.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52Anyway, it's the middle of the afternoon, shouldn't you be at work?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- Oh, I made myself sick, so I could get out of the office early.- Sweet.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Yeah, I had to go buy an outfit for tonight - Sadie's back!
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- Sadie?- Yeah, remember Sadie?
0:04:00 > 0:04:01She was my best friend at uni,
0:04:01 > 0:04:03then she went away travelling for a year?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Is she the girl who I got really drunk with
0:04:06 > 0:04:10and then, when she passed out, I superglued her to the toilet?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12No, Dan - that was me.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Oh, yeah.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17See, I feel like that should have been the final straw.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Whoa, you're really going all out tonight, aren't you?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32You look like an Italian call girl.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36I'm going to assume you mean fun and hot and 17, so thank you.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Well, I wish I could come, but...
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- You weren't invited.- I'm working on a very special project tonight.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45I'm watching all the films Liam Neeson's ever been in
0:04:45 > 0:04:50back to back. I'm calling it the "Liam Neeson Seeson".
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- "Seeson"?- It works.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- DOORBELL RINGS - It doesn't work, it's fucking dumb!
0:04:57 > 0:05:01- Sadie!- Hanssy! Oh, it's been too long!
0:05:01 > 0:05:03- Wow, you look great! - I know, right?
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Guys, can you keep it down, I'm about to watch Kingdom Of Heaven.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Ignore him, he's an idiot.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Yes, no, I remember the toilet thing. Hi, Dan, how's it going?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13I have got the ultimate girl's night out planned.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- Really?- Yeah, it's going to be just like we're back at uni.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20I've got a hip flask full of vodka, flat shoes, a rape whistle,
0:05:20 > 0:05:23and another rape whistle in case the first doesn't work.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26And...a bottle of Pink Lightning.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29It's a designer drug I found online.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Don't worry, it's totally legal.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33In Albania, they use it as paint thinner!
0:05:33 > 0:05:37Mmm, oh, I'm not really sure I'm up to that tonight, Han.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40I couldn't get any sleep on the plane, plus, you know,
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- we're still a teensy bit jet-lagged. - We're?
0:05:43 > 0:05:47- KNOCK ON DOOR - Knocky-knock!- Hannah, this is Rich.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50My - don't hate me - fiance!
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Sorry, fiance? Er, wow!
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Rich, I was just saying to Hans, maybe we should stay in tonight,
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- you know, just have a quiet one? - I don't think we...
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Yeah, yeah, fantastic. Have you had sups?
0:06:03 > 0:06:05I know a cracking little Ethiopian place that delivers.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Oh, my favourite!
0:06:10 > 0:06:14So, yeah, I'm on my hands and knees, haven't seen a soul for three weeks,
0:06:14 > 0:06:19I cut my way through the brush and what's in front of me?
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Only the world's largest Flying Dragon Lizard!
0:06:21 > 0:06:24That's insane - you found a dragon?!
0:06:24 > 0:06:26- Dragon Lizard. - I know they're lizards.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Rich used to work for the International Vet Fund,
0:06:29 > 0:06:31- so he's been all over the world. - Yep.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Really? He hasn't mentioned it.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34That's actually how we met!
0:06:34 > 0:06:37I picked up this nasty stomach bug in Karachi
0:06:37 > 0:06:40and the closest thing to a hospital for miles was Rich's vet surgery.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Yeah, and that was the first and last time
0:06:42 > 0:06:45I've ever gotten romantic with one of my patients.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Remember how we met?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51On the girls hockey tour to Dublin?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Oh, my God, yes! That was such a laugh!
0:06:53 > 0:06:54We'd sneak out every night
0:06:54 > 0:06:57and flirt with disgusting Irish guys until they bought us drinks.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00And we shared a room with Sarah Carvill.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02She'd clip her toenails and then eat them!
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Oh, yeah! That was vile!
0:07:04 > 0:07:07And then, on the last night we walked in on her watching Three Men And A Baby
0:07:07 > 0:07:11and just frigging herself senseless! It was insane!
0:07:11 > 0:07:13The whole team found out, and then in 3rd year, she...
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Well, she...
0:07:16 > 0:07:17..died.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19She, um...
0:07:19 > 0:07:20she was electrocuted.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26LAUGHS
0:07:26 > 0:07:28So, are you guys back in the country for good, then?
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Yeah, yep, I got a partnership in a surgery over here.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Shit, you are living the dream!
0:07:34 > 0:07:36A fiance, great taste in food.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39I haven't even got a job - you've seen a dragon!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Dragon lizard.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44But the surgery's actually looking for someone to answer the phones.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47It's only part-time, but I can pull a few strings if you want?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Obviously I want!
0:07:49 > 0:07:53Sadie, is it all right if I take Rich into the bathroom and suck him off!
0:07:53 > 0:07:58Thanks for the offer, but just be on time and we'll take it from there.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Is this guy the best, or what?
0:08:01 > 0:08:04So, Rich, tell me more about these dragons.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Thank you so much for having us!
0:08:08 > 0:08:10It was so nice to see you!
0:08:12 > 0:08:15And Rich, you know, we've met now, so...there's that.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Listen, we're having a silly little
0:08:18 > 0:08:21House Warming-slash-Engagement Party-slash-Piss-Up tomorrow night,
0:08:21 > 0:08:24you've literally got to come.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Oh, no, I don't...
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Oh, yes, you've got to come, both of you.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31And Dan, see you in the morning. Dress code - vet-casual.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Ha! Yes, boss!
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- I think I love that guy! - What a dick!
0:08:39 > 0:08:41What?! Rich is great!
0:08:41 > 0:08:44He just spent all evening showing off about how he'd
0:08:44 > 0:08:48cured leprosy in chickens and had a circle jerk with the Dalai Lama.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50I barely got a chance to speak to Sadie.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54You're just jealous. I mean, he genuinely smells like
0:08:54 > 0:08:56a kitten made of mahogany.
0:08:56 > 0:09:01I'm sorry, Dan, but that guy is a massive dick. Trust me.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Sorry I was late, my alarm didn't...
0:09:07 > 0:09:09I think the clocks went back or...
0:09:09 > 0:09:14- OK, well, you're here now. - So, this is my desk?
0:09:14 > 0:09:18- Very cool.- It's pretty simple really, just keep your eyes on the phone,
0:09:18 > 0:09:21when someone comes in, ask them to have a seat, buzz through to me
0:09:21 > 0:09:23and I'll come out and get them.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Sweet. So I buzz...
0:09:26 > 0:09:27you come and get them.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31You're Alan Sugar, I'm his fit, anonymous assistant.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Ha-ha! OK.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50PRESSES BUZZER
0:09:50 > 0:09:55- 'Is everything all right, Dan?' - Yep, just checking it works. Sorry.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56'OK.'
0:10:03 > 0:10:05BUZZING
0:10:05 > 0:10:06'Yes, Dan?'
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Sorry. Sorry. My finger slipped.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13- 'That's OK. Dan, the intercom's not a toy, all right?'- No, of course.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26BUZZER Rich, have you ever seen Marley & Me?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28I watched it last night, sort of as research.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Spoiler alert - it's fantastic.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32And the dog dies.
0:10:34 > 0:10:35Rich?
0:10:35 > 0:10:37BUZZER Rich, can you hear me?
0:10:37 > 0:10:41You know what? I think it might be easier
0:10:41 > 0:10:45if you just knock on the door when people come in.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47- OK?- Yeah.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49I don't think it was working anyway.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00There's nothing better than unwinding with a fine glass of red
0:11:00 > 0:11:02after a hard day's work.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05You've been a part-time receptionist for one day.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07More like half a day. I spent most of the afternoon
0:11:07 > 0:11:09watching Liam Neeson films on my iPad.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Ugh, this party is the worst.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13I mean, look at this fork.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15"Rich and Sadie Forever."
0:11:15 > 0:11:19"Oh, look at us, we're the first people to ever get engaged."
0:11:19 > 0:11:21"Yeah so we're going to throw a wanky party
0:11:21 > 0:11:23"and get our names engraved on cutlery."
0:11:23 > 0:11:25I bet these aren't even real silver.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- Hannsy!- Sadie! Great party!
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Um, I've got you a present.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Now, it's a little bit naughty, but I think you'll really like it.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37That's great, but there are some people you literally have to meet.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43Everyone, this is my friend Hannah. Hannah, this is my coffee club.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- Coffee club? - It's just a silly thing.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49They all live nearby so we meet up every day for coffee.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52The girls and I were just saying, now you're engaged,
0:11:52 > 0:11:55it's only a matter of time before you become an official member.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59- Rich and I have talked about it. - Really?!
0:11:59 > 0:12:01You always said you didn't want kids, you always said,
0:12:01 > 0:12:04"The only things that kids mess up more than your life is your vag."
0:12:04 > 0:12:08I know, but seeing these girls, I don't know, it could be fun.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Besides, this house is in such a good catchment area,
0:12:11 > 0:12:13it'd sort of be a waste not to have a kid, you know?
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Oh, no, my sister should not be drinking. Be right back.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21How about you, Hannah? Have you thought about having kids?
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Ah, um, well, I'm sort of focusing on career stuff, at the moment.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Oh, really? What sort of thing?
0:12:26 > 0:12:30Well, I recently set up a celebrity death pool in the office.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32And, um, thinking of starting a podcast,
0:12:32 > 0:12:37- so, yeah, my plate is pretty full. - That is so refreshing to hear.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41I mean, who needs the endless joy of motherhood when...
0:12:41 > 0:12:42you've got a potential podcast.
0:12:46 > 0:12:47Exactly.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Well, I'm going to go find the bathroom,
0:12:49 > 0:12:51but it was lovely meeting you
0:12:51 > 0:12:54and I hope all of your kids are born with minor congenital defects.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56See ya!
0:12:59 > 0:13:02How dare you question my honour?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04I challenge you to a duel.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07The victor shall win the deed to Harisham Farm
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- and the hand of Lady Pussyworth. - What are you doing?
0:13:10 > 0:13:14- Is that a gun?- Don't worry, it's not loaded, I tried.
0:13:14 > 0:13:19Check this out. It's a picture of Rich and Kofi Annan.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Why would Rich have met Ko...?
0:13:22 > 0:13:26- Are they bowling? - Seriously, this place is incredible!
0:13:26 > 0:13:31This guy's like Indiana Jones, but with a massive cock, I assume.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34- Check this out, Dan. - Is everything all right?
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- Looking for the bathroom.- Having a gander.- Nice office, by the way.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43- I can't imagine how good the bathroom is!- Didn't touch anything. Your gun, but that's all.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48OK, well, we're just about to do the present opening downstairs.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Present opening? As in, opening the presents?
0:13:51 > 0:13:56Yeah, um, see you down there in five minutes?
0:13:56 > 0:13:57Great.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04This is from Marcus and Penny and it is a...
0:14:04 > 0:14:07a mini-barbecue!
0:14:07 > 0:14:08Ooh-hoo-hoo!
0:14:08 > 0:14:10The ostrich burgers are on me!
0:14:12 > 0:14:13HE LAUGHS LOUDLY
0:14:13 > 0:14:15The next one is from...
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Hannah!
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Come on, we don't need to open any more presents, do we?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I've got literally no idea what this could be.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25No-one needs to see you open another set of bedding.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Three Men And Baby!
0:14:26 > 0:14:28ALL: Aww!
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Oh, and...
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Ooh. Hm-mm...
0:14:34 > 0:14:35A vibrator.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40It's an inside joke.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45OK, er, we were in Ireland and there was this girl...
0:14:45 > 0:14:49We walked on her touching herself... Well, she's dead now so...
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Oh, you had to be there.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Well... Sadie...
0:14:56 > 0:14:58The girls and I have clubbed together
0:14:58 > 0:15:01and got the two of you a little something.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Oh, my God! You guys!
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Rich, it's a honeymoon to Turks and Caicos!
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Bloody hell! I've only been there twice.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16It's not quite Tom Selleck and a dildo but it's the next best thing.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18LAUGHTER
0:15:18 > 0:15:20MUFFLED MUSIC
0:15:23 > 0:15:24LOUD MUSIC
0:15:30 > 0:15:32MUSIC OFF
0:15:33 > 0:15:36We will do everything we can to make sure that
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Nutmeg is as comfortable as possible.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- Thank you.- Thank you.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- Don't worry... - Whoa, what did you do to them?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Their dog has developed a rare form of canine arthritis.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Unfortunately they can't afford the treatment,
0:15:51 > 0:15:53so we're going to have to...
0:15:53 > 0:15:55So you're going to kill him?!
0:15:55 > 0:15:56We're going to put him down, yeah.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00- It's the kindest thing to do. - Can't they just do it on the NHS?
0:16:00 > 0:16:02The NHS doesn't cover pet care...
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Fucking Cameron's Britain.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08I wish things were different. This is the hardest part of the job.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Although technically, it's actually really quite easy.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12It's just a quick injection.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Still, a real shame.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16- Come on, then. - DOG WHIMPERS
0:16:20 > 0:16:22MUSIC: "The Drugs Don't Work" by The Verve
0:16:25 > 0:16:28# All this talk of getting old
0:16:30 > 0:16:35# It's bringing me down, my love
0:16:37 > 0:16:40# Like a cat in a bag... #
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Sorry, Dan, you're going to have to piss off.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46- Sadie's coming over and Mama needs the living room.- Cool.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48What, you're not going to put up a fight?
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Or at least take the piss out of me for calling myself "Mama"?
0:16:51 > 0:16:54At work today there was this family who couldn't afford
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- the treatment for their dog, so they have to put him down.- Oh, no.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01Kid was crying, and the dad was crying, and the mum was...
0:17:01 > 0:17:05Well, she was actually sort of hot. But she was crying, too,
0:17:05 > 0:17:07which for some reason made her a little bit hotter,
0:17:07 > 0:17:08I don't know. Anyway,
0:17:08 > 0:17:10according to Rich there isn't anything we can do about it.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14That is just typical Rich. There's always something you can do!
0:17:14 > 0:17:17- Really?- Yes! Look at me.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20I might be losing my best friend to marriage and happiness
0:17:20 > 0:17:23and all that horse shit, but you don't se me taking it lying down.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Yeah, you're right!
0:17:25 > 0:17:27And you know what else?
0:17:27 > 0:17:31Maybe the lesson to take from this whole Liam Neeson seeson...
0:17:31 > 0:17:32Still not a word.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34..is that sometimes you've got to take matters
0:17:34 > 0:17:36into your own grisly Irish hands.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Just like he did in Taken when his daughter was taken.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42You know, I hate to say this, Dan, but you are absolutely right.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Why do we always have to be the ones to fix things?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- Because we're good people. - No, we're GREAT people.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50You're right. We ARE great people.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54No, but seriously, you do need to fuck off.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Come on, Hans, what's the big surprise?
0:18:03 > 0:18:06I should really text Rich and tell him if I'm going to be late.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08He's making a kale and pak choi salad.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10There'll be plenty of time for Old Man Rich
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- to shove fancy types of cabbage down your throat.- What's that?
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Ready!
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- What's going on? - Shh, just watch.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26They got married and two years later he shot himself in the head.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Hmm. Hitler and Eva Braun.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35They got married the day before they died.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Coincidence?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Also huge Nazis.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Ah... Sid and Nancy.,
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Now, technically they weren't married
0:18:47 > 0:18:49but he did stab her to death.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Hannah, what is this?
0:18:52 > 0:18:54I'm just trying to open your eyes, you know?
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Show you that marriage isn't all sparkly and shiny.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59By showing me pictures of dead celebrities?
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Yes, it's just...
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Since you got back everything's been so different.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05How have things been different?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Right.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10It's just like when I was 12
0:19:10 > 0:19:13and my best friend Rosie went through a freakishly early puberty
0:19:13 > 0:19:14and stopped hanging out with me.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Except instead of getting boobs and making new friends
0:19:16 > 0:19:19and getting fingered all the time, you've gotten engaged.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21I'm never going to see you again, and it's not fair!
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- It's not fair. It's not... - Whoa, whoa.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25You really don't have to worry.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28You're always going to be the one I turn to
0:19:28 > 0:19:29when I want to let my hair down,
0:19:29 > 0:19:32or if Rich washes off his galoshes in the sink again
0:19:32 > 0:19:34and I need someone to bitch to.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36You see, I need you!
0:19:38 > 0:19:40So, are we friends again?
0:19:41 > 0:19:45Well, technically, you do owe me one girls' night out.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47OK, yes!
0:19:47 > 0:19:48Awesome!
0:19:48 > 0:19:51But just a couple of drinks, OK? Nothing too crazy.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55Yes, of course. I'm just going to go grab my rape whistle.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57I'm so excited!
0:20:07 > 0:20:09ANIMALS WHINE
0:20:21 > 0:20:23There you are, little buddy!
0:20:23 > 0:20:25I'm going to bust you out of here, all right?
0:20:25 > 0:20:27I don't know if you've ever seen the film Taken,
0:20:27 > 0:20:29but it's a bit like that.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32I'm Liam Neeson and you're his slutty daughter.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Yes, you are, you little slut.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41ANIMALS WHINE
0:20:43 > 0:20:46LOUD WHINING AND WHIMPERING
0:20:46 > 0:20:48LOUD MUSIC
0:20:48 > 0:20:50There you go! Oh, no, no, no, this one's yours.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52This was such a great fucking idea, Hannah!
0:20:52 > 0:20:55I told you! This has got to be better than staying at home
0:20:55 > 0:20:56to help Rich dye his pubes or whatever.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Seriously, we should be hanging out, like, every single night!
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Let's open a fucking cocktail bar!
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Literally, like, tonight!
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Let's go get a fucking shitload of booze and just fucking do it!
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Yeah... Yes!
0:21:07 > 0:21:08PHONE VIBRATES
0:21:08 > 0:21:09Hello?
0:21:09 > 0:21:11'Wassaaah!'
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Dan, what is it? I'm busy.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15'Quick question. How would you feel about...'
0:21:15 > 0:21:17maybe potentially, adopting ten...
0:21:17 > 0:21:20to 15 terminally ill pets?
0:21:20 > 0:21:22'Long story short, I, er...'
0:21:22 > 0:21:25ran with your idea and I rescued that dog from the surgery.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- Er, that wasn't my idea. - Your idea, my idea. Whatever.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Anyway, the thing is, when I got in there
0:21:30 > 0:21:33and I saw all the other pets that were going to be put down
0:21:33 > 0:21:36and it was like an adorable, fuzzy death row, so...
0:21:36 > 0:21:38I...took all of them.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39- What?- 'Yeah, so all in all,
0:21:39 > 0:21:41'phase one of the plan has gone pretty smoothly.'
0:21:41 > 0:21:44I'm just sort of checking to see what happens in phase two.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46'There is no phase two! Look, Dan...'
0:21:46 > 0:21:49I'm having a brilliant night with my best friend.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51I don't have time to plan a bloody animal prison break.
0:21:53 > 0:21:54Shit.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55ANIMALS WHINE
0:21:57 > 0:21:59So I'm thinking we call the bar Handie's,
0:21:59 > 0:22:01like Hannah and Sadie mashed together, yeah?
0:22:01 > 0:22:04And all the cocktails would be made in your hands!
0:22:04 > 0:22:05- Tell me you love it! - I love it.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07I fucking knew you'd love it!
0:22:07 > 0:22:11I have seriously never felt this excited about anything in my life!
0:22:11 > 0:22:15It's like there are fireworks in my brain!
0:22:15 > 0:22:17That's probably because of your drink.
0:22:17 > 0:22:18My drink?
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Well, I wanted to make sure you had a good time, so I, uh,
0:22:21 > 0:22:22greased the wheels a bit.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- What do you mean?- I've been slipping drops of Pink Lightning
0:22:25 > 0:22:27into all of your drinks.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Don't worry, you won't remember any of this in the morning.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31So relax and enjoy the ride!
0:22:31 > 0:22:34I mean, one of the side effects is respiratory arrest,
0:22:34 > 0:22:37so don't relax too much or you might stop breathing!
0:22:37 > 0:22:38NEW SONG STARTS
0:22:38 > 0:22:40- What? - Oh, my God, I love this song!
0:22:45 > 0:22:50They say if you love something you should set it free,
0:22:50 > 0:22:52and I think they're right.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Also, I didn't really think this whole thing through very much,
0:22:55 > 0:22:57and this sort of seems like the easiest way out.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00So I'm going to let you make the most of the time you've got left,
0:23:00 > 0:23:02right, little buddy?
0:23:02 > 0:23:06No more leashes, no more rabies vaccinations, no more cages.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10It's time for you to be free...
0:23:10 > 0:23:11once and for all.
0:23:22 > 0:23:23Right, next!
0:23:23 > 0:23:25We have got a lot to get through.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29So, what do you do, Jamie?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31I work down the road in a private gym.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34I love the gym. That's where I get all my towels!
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Yeah, I'm a personal trainer.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37I love to help people stay healthy.
0:23:37 > 0:23:41Plus, I make a ton of extra money selling steroids.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43We should do a one-on-one session, just you and me.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Stretching and flexing together...
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Hans...
0:23:48 > 0:23:50I think I'm in trouble.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Sorry, Jamie. Don't move.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Hey, what's up?
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Everything's blurry, my heart's racing,
0:24:00 > 0:24:01and my jaw won't stop doing this.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Sadie, I'm pretty sure I'm in with this guy, OK?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06As a friend I'd appreciate it
0:24:06 > 0:24:08if maybe you'd stop being a cock-blocker,
0:24:08 > 0:24:09or, you know, muff buffer.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12If you're feeling rough, go get some fresh air
0:24:12 > 0:24:15and I'll see you in 20 minutes.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Maybe an hour if me and him start getting off. OK?
0:24:17 > 0:24:19OK.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Anyway, I'm imagining you and me
0:24:23 > 0:24:25and you know those massive exercise balls...
0:24:25 > 0:24:27CRASH
0:24:27 > 0:24:28You'd think she was the first person
0:24:28 > 0:24:31to have a bit too much Albanian paint thinner!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35- TV:- '..places on Earth were sterile.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38'Life there was thought to be simply impossible...'
0:24:38 > 0:24:39DOORBELL
0:24:39 > 0:24:41'..just as it seemed to be absent...'
0:24:41 > 0:24:44DOORBELL RINGS REPEATEDLY TV OFF
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Ritchie Rich!
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Dan, where are the animals?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53I don't know what you're talking about.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56The surgery's fully fitted with an alarm system and CCTV.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59I know you broke in and took the animals,
0:24:59 > 0:25:02and for some reason urinated in one of the sinks!
0:25:02 > 0:25:06I don't care why you did it, Dan, OK?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08I just need to get them back.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11So I'm going to ask you again...
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Where are the animals?
0:25:14 > 0:25:16I let them go.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19What do you mean, you let them go?
0:25:19 > 0:25:20I was just trying to help.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23You said you hated the fact they had to be put down,
0:25:23 > 0:25:26so I thought I'd, you know, let them live.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30I mean, a couple basically got run over immediately,
0:25:30 > 0:25:32but the others are all...
0:25:32 > 0:25:33gone.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Oh, oh! Shit! Shitting shit!
0:25:37 > 0:25:41Do you have any idea what I stand to lose here?!
0:25:41 > 0:25:45I could lose my vet's licence, my surgery and...
0:25:45 > 0:25:49I'm fucked... I'm literally fucked!
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Whoa, Rich,
0:25:54 > 0:25:57I don't want to see you like this.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03Listen, mate... Last year when I was in prison...
0:26:03 > 0:26:05What? You were in prison?
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Yeah. But before you ask, yes, it was for a non-violent crime.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10No, I was not...
0:26:10 > 0:26:11DOOR OPENS
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Are you sure I shouldn't go to A&E?
0:26:14 > 0:26:16- Sadie?- Rich!
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Er, we just had a quick drink.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21She had a little bit too much rose.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Where have you been? What's happened to your face, baby?
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Hannah invited me over
0:26:26 > 0:26:29and she was like, "We should hang out more, blah, blah, blah,"
0:26:29 > 0:26:31so we went to a club and she drugged me.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34- What?!- Do you know I think that is all much worse than what I did.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Rich, I think I need some more air.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Otherwise my heart might stop beating again.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47What is wrong with you people?!
0:26:47 > 0:26:50- If you think about it, I did save a lot of live...- Er, in my defence...
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- Did things get out of hand? Perhaps. - I'm not saying I deserve a promotion.
0:26:53 > 0:26:54Shut up!
0:26:56 > 0:26:57I am not a violent man.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59I have dedicated myself
0:26:59 > 0:27:02to protecting the gift that is life!
0:27:02 > 0:27:04So hear me when I say this -
0:27:04 > 0:27:08you are the most sick and twisted people I have ever met
0:27:08 > 0:27:13and I pray to God that the two of you die...
0:27:13 > 0:27:15together, arm in arm,
0:27:15 > 0:27:17in a horrific...
0:27:17 > 0:27:19boat crash!
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Boat crash?
0:27:26 > 0:27:27Who dies in a boat crash?
0:27:27 > 0:27:30I think that was a legitimate death threat. I do, seriously.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33- That guy is a dick. - What did I tell you?!
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Whoa, what happened to your arms?
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Oh, yeah, I got bitten quite a few times by those animals.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41- Shit.- Yeah, and my jaw is sort of locking up,
0:27:41 > 0:27:43- so I'm like 80% sure I've got tetanus.- Urgh.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Do you reckon you could take me to the hospital tomorrow morning?
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Hmm. Well, I've sort of got a lot on tomorrow, so...no?