0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains strong language
0:00:08 > 0:00:12This programme contains some scenes of a sexual nature
0:00:16 > 0:00:19- Where'd you find those croissants? - I didn't find them, I bought them.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Come on, Hannah, please?
0:00:21 > 0:00:24This isn't even cereal. It's just a bowl of milk and basmati rice.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27You can have a croissant if you promise to pay rent,
0:00:27 > 0:00:29or even just stop using my conditioner.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32I think I'd rather just not pay rent and have very silky hair.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37What are you reading?
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Lovin' It Magazine. Real life stories and celeb gossip.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Did you know Jessica Biel only drinks Raccoon's milk?
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Oh, look, there's an article here about a couple who run
0:00:46 > 0:00:48an erotic sex dungeon.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52They've got swings, and a hydraulic dildo machine,
0:00:52 > 0:00:55and...a fingering grotto.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Wait, why would you need a whole grotto just for that?
0:00:57 > 0:00:58Not for me, I'm afraid.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Never been into any of that fancy, kinky stuff, you know?
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Bondage, condoms, role play.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Sorry, did you just say condoms?
0:01:06 > 0:01:08What do you mean you're not "into" condoms?
0:01:08 > 0:01:11I don't really wear them, just keep it simple.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Call me old-fashioned!
0:01:12 > 0:01:14You're not old-fashioned, you're a fucking idiot.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Mum, tell him he's got to wear condoms.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19She's right.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Danny, you've got to wear protection. I mean it.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25If you knock up some tramp, I'm not going to pay to help get rid of it.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27And you should get yourself tested as well, before you
0:01:27 > 0:01:30end up some syphilitic mad man wandering around Lidl in a nappy.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33I mean, I don't think that sounds so bad,
0:01:33 > 0:01:34but FINE - I'll go tomorrow.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37You know they're going to stick stuff up there?
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Like, wide, rigid stuff.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Hannah, stop taunting your brother, it's tedious.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45And I need you to pick me up tomorrow.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47What? Why? Why can't Dan do it?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49I mean, look at him...
0:01:51 > 0:01:53No, I'm not giving you any more lifts.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56You always sit in the back treating me like I'm your chauffeur
0:01:56 > 0:01:58and then you call me a loser for driving the speed-limit.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01I suppose it's not very important. I'm only having surgery.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- Surgery?- Are you dying? Is it your heart? Leprosy?
0:02:03 > 0:02:07- Is it hereditary? Is it something I need to be worried about? - It's leprosy, isn't it?!
0:02:07 > 0:02:09I'm not dying. It's a very common operation for women my age
0:02:09 > 0:02:13but I do need someone there afterwards, OK?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Good. Now, give your brother a croissant, for God's sake.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Yes! I win, you lose...
0:02:19 > 0:02:22ITALIAN ACCENT: That's one SPICY meat-a-ball!
0:02:22 > 0:02:24I thought you said no taunting?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27I know, but it's sort of funny when he does it to you.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50This is bullshit, Mum. I cannot believe you tricked me.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Hannah, please keep it down. I've just had surgery.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Yeah, laser eye surgery!
0:02:55 > 0:02:58I thought it was something serious, not some dumb cosmetic procedure.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00My self esteem is not dumb.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Believe me, nothing kills the sexual mojo more on a hot date
0:03:04 > 0:03:06than pulling out a pair of bifocals.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07I don't want to hear about your mojo.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Hannah, I have a very active social life,
0:03:09 > 0:03:11whether you like it or not,
0:03:11 > 0:03:14which is why I will be needing you to assist me for a couple of days.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Until the blindness wears off.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17Assist you?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Help me run errands, get me to appointments.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21You'll be my...
0:03:21 > 0:03:22seeing eye daughter.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25First, we need to pick up my bed and drop it at your place.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26Also, we need to pick up some dry-cleaning.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Then yoga, before coffee with Lucinda.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31I have a bra-fitting at three.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Ooh, and it's my turn to host cocktail night for the girls.
0:03:34 > 0:03:35But what about my life?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38I've got stuff planned for this weekend too.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40- Like what?- My blog.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42You haven't updated that thing in nine months.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Come on, Hannah, chop chop.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Mum! Do you have to?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01OK, I just want to go over a couple of things.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Next to "Number of sexual partners in the last six months"
0:04:04 > 0:04:07you've put seven question marks?
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Well, a gentleman never tells.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11OK, sure.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13But you do realise you actually have to tell me?
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Oh, right, yeah. Um...
0:04:16 > 0:04:18- none.- Oh, cool.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Right, so if you just pop your trousers down and lie back for me.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Sweet tatt. What does it mean? Something mystical and deep?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41No, it's Thai for "public restroom".
0:04:41 > 0:04:45I got it done at the Full Moon Party when I was 17.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47- Cough. - HE COUGHS
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Yeah, my mum went ape-shit when she saw it.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51My mum would never let me get a tattoo.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53She says they only look good on Polynesian men.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Yeah, I sort of regret mine, but I don't know...
0:04:55 > 0:04:57We all make mistakes, don't we?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59You might as well keep a record of some of them.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Right, all done.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Now, Dan...
0:05:07 > 0:05:09..I'm afraid we're going to have to amputate.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11What?!
0:05:11 > 0:05:13I'm screwing with you, you're fine!
0:05:14 > 0:05:18- Just head next door, and the nurse will take some blood.- Right.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Maybe it's just because you were touching my genitals
0:05:29 > 0:05:33a second ago, but I kind of felt like there was a connection between us.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36I don't know if maybe you want to get a drink or dinner later?
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Oh, I don't know... It might be considered a bit unprofessional?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43I won't tell anyone, I promise. Just maybe my sister.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Yeah, OK, why not?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Here is my number.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Wow, a number and...
0:05:56 > 0:05:58120 condoms?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Yeah, I get them free. It's one of the perks of the job.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Brilliant.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07ICE RATTLES
0:06:07 > 0:06:08Hear that, Hannah?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11That's the sound of you not getting me a drink.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12I literally just got you one.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15The doctor said I had to drink plenty of fluids.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19I don't think he meant vodka and soda.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Dan, are you going to help me with Mum or what?
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Sorry, I've got a date.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27I met an amazing girl at the STI clinic.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29You picked someone up at an STI clinic?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32That's like going for a buffet at a sewage plant.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Don't worry, she just works there, she hasn't got anything.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37She's like the manager of the sewage plant.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41A funny, sexy manager, who's also a doctor.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43AIR HORN BLARES
0:06:43 > 0:06:44What was that?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Mum made me download her an air horn app to her phone.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Dan, she's even worse when she's blind.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51I've been driving her round, making her drinks.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- She even made me read to her. - That doesn't sound that bad?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55The only things she's got on her Kindle
0:06:55 > 0:06:57are self help books about the menopause
0:06:57 > 0:06:59and a collection of poems by Debra Meaden.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01I didn't even know she wrote poems.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Well, I wish I could stay and help
0:07:03 > 0:07:04but I've got to get ready for this date.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06I think I really like STI girl.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Well, probably don't call her that.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Good advice. I'm going to go take a shower.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- Is it cool if I use your conditioner again?- No.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13Great, thanks.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15AIR HORN BLARES
0:07:17 > 0:07:19So when did you first know you wanted to work with genitals?
0:07:19 > 0:07:20Oh, well, um...
0:07:20 > 0:07:23STI's weren't my first choice. I was kind of more into orthopaedics.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25What's orthopaedics?
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Oh, it's like broken bones and shit.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29You get paid to literally drill bolts into old ladies' hips.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Holy shit! You're basically making real life Wolverines.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Why didn't you just do that?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Well, I kind of slightly fucked up med school.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40It's actually really hard to take an exam when you're in a K-hole.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Even multiple choice.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Well, at least you finished uni. I left after seven months.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Oh, you dropped out?
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Dropped out, kicked out...
0:07:48 > 0:07:50There was a lot of confusion at the time.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Basically, me and my friends thought we could save money
0:07:53 > 0:07:55by making our own eggs instead of buying them,
0:07:55 > 0:07:57so we got, like, five chickens and kept them in the garden,
0:07:57 > 0:07:59but they turned out to be male chickens,
0:07:59 > 0:08:02so, instead of laying eggs, they just sort of...
0:08:02 > 0:08:04constantly fought each other.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06One thing lead to another
0:08:06 > 0:08:09and soon people started betting on which chicken would win, so...
0:08:09 > 0:08:11You started a cock-fighting ring?
0:08:11 > 0:08:12By accident. But, er...
0:08:12 > 0:08:14yes.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Wow, we are both fuck-ups.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Here's to fucking up.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33Get your dick out.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36Excuse me?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Come on, do it.
0:08:40 > 0:08:41Are you sure?
0:08:41 > 0:08:43This is a pretty classy restaurant.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45I mean, they don't even do bottomless drinks or anything.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Trust me.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Get...your...
0:08:49 > 0:08:51dick...out.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55OK.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09HE GASPS
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Would you like to see a dessert menu?
0:09:29 > 0:09:32WOBBLY VOICE: We're fine, thanks.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Actually, do you guys do a cheese board?
0:09:45 > 0:09:46AIR HORN BLARES
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Yes, I'm doing it, OK?!
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Whoa, why's there so much food out?
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Mum wanted breakfast in bed, but after three batches,
0:09:57 > 0:09:59the eggs still aren't "Benedict" enough.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01I don't even know what that means.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02Well, can I have this, then?
0:10:02 > 0:10:05I worked up QUITE an appetite last night...
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Yeah, fine.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08Thanks...
0:10:08 > 0:10:12What, with my date last night, I am just...SO hungry.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17I mean, I thought I was hungry last night on my date...
0:10:17 > 0:10:19- Do you want me to ask you how your date went?- Yes, please.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23- How did the date go? - Two words... Foot. Job.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Actually, that might be one word.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28The point is, I got a footjob and I'm in love.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30That is so unfair!
0:10:30 > 0:10:33I get stuck with Stevie Wanker and her entourage,
0:10:33 > 0:10:36while you're out falling in love and getting footjobs.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I want a footjob!
0:10:38 > 0:10:39I know what'll cheer you up.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42STI Girl's having a house party tonight. You should come along.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Oh, my God, that would be amazing.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Seriously, I'm on the edge. It would be so good to spend
0:10:47 > 0:10:49some time with some normal people, instead of...
0:10:49 > 0:10:51AIR HORN BLARES Oh, what about Mum?
0:10:51 > 0:10:54If we're both going, who's going to look after her?
0:10:54 > 0:10:55She'll be all right, won't she?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57We can just put some food in a bowl and lock the door
0:10:57 > 0:10:59so she doesn't wander out into the street.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01- She's not a dog, Hannah! - I know!
0:11:01 > 0:11:03We'll put the bowl on a table.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Why don't we just take her with us?
0:11:05 > 0:11:07I mean, Izzy said the more the merrier.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Besides, she's not that bad... AIR HORN BLARES
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Hannah, if you're going to ignore the app
0:11:12 > 0:11:14then it was an utter waste of money.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Either pay attention or reimburse me the 69 pence.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18it's your call.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21All right, let's party.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28DOORBELL RINGS
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Hello. Sorry, do I know you?
0:11:35 > 0:11:39Oh! Hi, pal! You made it.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41I've got this.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- That's my flatmate, Pete. He is a twat.- Oh, cool.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47This is my sister, Hannah and my mum. They're not twats.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Oh...you've brought your mum!
0:11:49 > 0:11:51What's happening? Where are we?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53She's not really blind.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56So, do you want to go grab a drink, or chat about bones some more?
0:11:56 > 0:12:01We could rate them, best to worst? Skull, rib, leg bone?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Actually, I've have to go check on my mate Johnny,
0:12:03 > 0:12:05because he's just failed his driving test
0:12:05 > 0:12:08and he's super depressed but there's drink in the kitchen, yeah?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Hannah, where the hell have you dragged me to?
0:12:14 > 0:12:17- I thought we were meeting the girls for spin class? - We're at a house party, Mum.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20I tricked you just like you tricked me into taking care of you.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21OK, very good, you tricked me.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Well done. I'll buy you a crown, or a biscuit or something.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26- Now, can we please leave? - No, we're staying.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29I've spent all weekend helping you out,
0:12:29 > 0:12:31but tonight, it's Mama's turn to let her hair down.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33By 'Mama', I mean me, not you.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Fine, I'll walk home, or I'll call the police
0:12:35 > 0:12:37and have you arrested for kidnapping.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Look, relax, Mum.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40Hannah!
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Here's your vodka and...
0:12:42 > 0:12:44here are some Doritos.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Sit tight, I'll see you in about three hours?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Don't you dare walk away! Hannah?!
0:13:02 > 0:13:05All right? Who do you know here?
0:13:05 > 0:13:11Oh, um, do you know Izzy? Yeah, we met yesterday...
0:13:12 > 0:13:15We actually went out for dinner and um...
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Well, let's just say we 'hit it off'.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19I mean, a gentleman never...
0:13:19 > 0:13:21- Did she do the foot thing? - It's amazing, right?
0:13:21 > 0:13:23They're like an extra pair of hands.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Sorry, how do you guys know Izzy?
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Oh, I've known her for ages.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32We actually used to have a bit of a thing...
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Yeah, me and Izzy went to college together...
0:13:34 > 0:13:36and sort of had a thing.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I accidentally ran over her dog a couple of months back...
0:13:39 > 0:13:41and then we sort of had a thing.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Had a thing, yeah. Cool, cool...
0:13:44 > 0:13:47So you've all had 'things' with Izzy?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Cool, cool.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53That is just...so cool.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Hi. Sorry, did you just get that from the cupboard?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Yeah... I'm usually more into white,
0:14:08 > 0:14:11but, you know, beggars can't be choosers. Do you want a glass?
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Well, no. Actually, I live here, and that's not really party wine.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18What do you mean it's not party wine? It's WINE at a PARTY.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Yes, but guests were meant to bring their own drinks.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- So if you could put that back... - Mate, I've just spent all weekend
0:14:23 > 0:14:25looking after my blind mum, OK?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27I'm just trying to let my hair down.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28I don't even know who you are.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30You can't just go rummaging through my stuff.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Stop wigging out, it's just a glass of wine.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35It's not like I took a pair of your dumb pink trousers.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39These trousers are not pink. They're rustic fuchsia.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Just give me the glass, you lunatic.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44If you want this glass of wine, you will literally have to murder me.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Give me the bloody glass!
0:14:46 > 0:14:48What is your problem, mate?! God's sake!
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Hannah!
0:14:50 > 0:14:54Hannah, is that you? Oh, no, you're too thick...
0:14:54 > 0:14:58- Mum? - Hannah! Oh, thank God it's you.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Why are you going around groping people?
0:15:00 > 0:15:01I told you to sit still.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03And I told you I didn't want to spend the evening
0:15:03 > 0:15:05with your abhorrent friends. As soon as you left,
0:15:05 > 0:15:08a group of boys started trying to write GILF on my forehead.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Trust me, the people at this party are not my friends.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Some wine Nazi in the kitchen started having a go at me
0:15:14 > 0:15:17for absolutely NO REASON! And no-one even stood up for me.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19I'm just glad mobile phones are going to make everyone
0:15:19 > 0:15:21in this generation infertile.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23This guy in the kitchen was all, "Oh, I live here, I live here."
0:15:23 > 0:15:25It's like, "We all live somewhere, mate.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27"There's no need to be a dick about it."
0:15:27 > 0:15:29I wish I could teach him a lesson.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32I should scratch the word twat into all his DVDs.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Hannah, that's not how I raised you.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39If you want to be vindictive, at least do it properly.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41This was a genius idea.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43I mean, what's the point of inviting people to your house,
0:15:43 > 0:15:45if you're just going to be shitty to them?
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Well, what can I say?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Some people are just born with no manners.
0:15:49 > 0:15:50Wow, you're really good at that.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53You're like the David Blunkett of petty vandalism.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55I can't wait until he goes to buy more of his precious "wine"
0:15:55 > 0:15:57and his junk's all hanging out.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59You know, when I first met your dad,
0:15:59 > 0:16:01I cut nipple holes in all of his jumpers.
0:16:01 > 0:16:02What?! How come?
0:16:02 > 0:16:05He was throwing a barbecue and he made some joke
0:16:05 > 0:16:08about my Thin Lizzy jacket, so I thought I'd get even.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10How have I never heard this story?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Oh, I've got dozens of stories much better than that.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Do you know I took Fat Boy Slim's virginity?
0:16:16 > 0:16:17Fuck off!
0:16:17 > 0:16:19I mean, that was before he got into music.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22He was still thinking about becoming a cartographer.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Mum! Seriously, we should get these all down and send them
0:16:25 > 0:16:27to Lovin' It. You know that real-life stories magazine?
0:16:27 > 0:16:29They love this shit.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Well, you sort it all out, I'll open my gossip floodgates.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37You know, I thought this party was going to be a total washout,
0:16:37 > 0:16:39but I'm actually having a really nice time.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43Now, we should go and pour bleach over all of his trainers.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51LOUD MOANING
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Hey...
0:16:57 > 0:16:58Hi, Dan.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Oh... Dan, I'm a bit...busy.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure...
0:17:10 > 0:17:13I just wanted to see if you were having a good party.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17- Oh, yeah.- Great, me too.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22I'm loving the playlist. A lot of great tunes.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Look, Dan, it's not really the best time.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Oh, yeah, no, sure.
0:17:26 > 0:17:32I guess, I'm just sort of wondering what this means for us exactly.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Oh! Well, there wasn't really an 'us'.
0:17:34 > 0:17:39What about last night? Dinner...and the foot stuff?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Oh! look, Dan, you're a really nice guy
0:17:42 > 0:17:44and yesterday was a bit of fun, but that's all.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46I'm not really looking for anything serious.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48OK...
0:17:52 > 0:17:54I'll probably just be off, then.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Actually, that's my coat, just...
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- This one, yeah?- Yeah.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05- Here you go, mate.- Thank you.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Sorry about the driving test.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Oh, I'll get 'em next time!
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Sure.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18And this... Do you want it open or...?
0:18:18 > 0:18:20- Closed.- Closed.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22OK.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- Goodbye, Izzy.- Bye.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32- Nice to meet you, Johnny.- Yep.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40MUSIC: "Never Ever" by All Saints
0:18:54 > 0:18:57DAN SINGS ALONG IN A SAD VOICE
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Dan, have you seen my magazine? I want to show it to Mum.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07You know Fat Boy Slim might be my dad?!
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- What?- Last night, me and Mum got super drunk
0:19:10 > 0:19:12and trashed this guy's wardrobe.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15It was awesome. It was like being in a normal family for once.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Well, I'm glad you two had fun...
0:19:17 > 0:19:21because I had my heart ripped out and chewed up in front of me.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25- What happened?- I saw Izzy having sex with another guy.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Pornography lied to me, Hannah.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31Watching other people have sex is actually really depressing.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35OK, children, I'm off.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Oh, no, Mum, I thought we could go through those magazine stories?
0:19:38 > 0:19:41If they buy one, we get £35.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Hannah, my vision is back, I've got a lot to catch up on.
0:19:44 > 0:19:45OK, well, what about tonight?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48I thought maybe we could, you know, hang out?
0:19:48 > 0:19:49I don't want to see you tonight.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52The girls and I have got a Tae Kwon Do class
0:19:52 > 0:19:53with the delicious Sensei Chris.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Bye, Daniel.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56Bye, Mum.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58This might be the last time I ever see you,
0:19:58 > 0:20:00because someone has murdered my soul.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02What's wrong with him?
0:20:02 > 0:20:03I don't know. Some girl thing.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Izzy's gone.
0:20:05 > 0:20:11No more laughs, no more love, no more foot-fun.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Daniel, you'll get nowhere in life feeling sorry for yourself.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17If somebody offends you at a party, you ruin their trousers.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20If you lose the love of your life, you do something!
0:20:20 > 0:20:21You don't just whine about it,
0:20:21 > 0:20:25like some idiot who's unhappy about their neighbour sunbathing topless.
0:20:25 > 0:20:30It's my damn roof-terrace. I'll sunbathe however I bloody want to.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Oh, my God, you're right, Mum!
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Not about the sunbathing stuff, that was weird,
0:20:34 > 0:20:36but I've gotta do SOMETHING.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Just because the girl I love was having sex with another guy
0:20:39 > 0:20:42in front of me, doesn't mean we shouldn't be together!
0:20:42 > 0:20:47See? This is what family is all about.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Dan?! I'm in the middle of...
0:20:59 > 0:21:00I want to say something.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Sorry, dude, this will take one second.
0:21:05 > 0:21:06I think I'm in love with you, Izzy.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09I close my eyes and I can see us growing old together,
0:21:09 > 0:21:12and giving each other footjobs until the day we die.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Dan, I told you, I'm not looking for anything serious.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18We're just not on the same wavelength.
0:21:18 > 0:21:19What do you mean?
0:21:19 > 0:21:22You keep talking about love and growing old together.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24You brought your mum to my party.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28I'm young. I want to have fun, I want to experience stuff...
0:21:28 > 0:21:31and you're just a bit...vanilla.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- Vanilla?!- Yeah.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37I'm not vanilla.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Would a vanilla do this?
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Has this been used?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Er, no. Thank God.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Please just give me another chance.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Come round my place tonight and I will prove I'm not vanilla.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04Well, I guess if you're willing to risk a mouthful of herpes
0:22:04 > 0:22:08just to prove a point, then maybe you deserve one more shot.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Trust me, you will not regret this.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14OK, well, can I get back to...
0:22:14 > 0:22:15Yeah, sorry, of course.
0:22:17 > 0:22:18Good luck, man.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22I am so sorry...
0:22:22 > 0:22:24So breathe in...
0:22:26 > 0:22:27..and out.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Remember, it's all about channelling your inner quiet.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Oh, sorry, I'm late, gang!
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Hannah, what are you doing here?!
0:22:39 > 0:22:41- I signed up for the class!- What?!
0:22:41 > 0:22:44We had fun last night. I just thought we could, you know,
0:22:44 > 0:22:47recapture the magic. Plus, you know how much I love fighting!
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Sorry, are you here for the class?
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Sensei, this is Hannah, my daughter.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53You're wearing a black belt.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Oh, yeah. This is a second-hand kit.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58I got it last-minute off a guy on Gumtree.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59He also threw in...
0:22:59 > 0:23:02My God, Hannah! Put that away!
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Relax, Mum, I do know what I'm doing.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Can we please stop messing around
0:23:10 > 0:23:12and get back to the class, ladies?!
0:23:12 > 0:23:14- Yes,- Sensei. Yes, Sensei.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Fantastic(!) Sensei Chris is exactly my type, now he hates me,
0:23:19 > 0:23:22AND he knows I have a daughter. Thank you(!)
0:23:26 > 0:23:28DOORBELL RINGS
0:23:29 > 0:23:30Hello...
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Hi, Dan.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34..and welcome to Sextopia.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47So, we've got...
0:23:47 > 0:23:49a sex swing.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Stolen. Not sure how much weight that can take,
0:23:52 > 0:23:54but I'm pretty sure it's safe.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Some sexy lingerie...
0:23:56 > 0:23:58This is all just for show, by the way.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Most of it's my sister's...
0:24:00 > 0:24:02And finally, a sexy buffet.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03Champagne,
0:24:03 > 0:24:06a bowl of red gummy bears - the most romantic ones -
0:24:06 > 0:24:10a bowl of green gummy bears - the most delicious one...
0:24:10 > 0:24:14I've even got ice cubes in the shape of dicks.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17This is actually weirdly impressive.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Yeah? So, you'll stay?
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Why not? No-one's ever stolen a child's swing for me before.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Awesome! Let's do this.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31I've always wanted to do that.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Let's pair up for sparring.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39You and me, Mum? Promise I'll go easy on you.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Or will I? No, I will.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44It's all right, Hannah, I think I might be going with someone else.
0:24:44 > 0:24:45What? You don't want to be my partner?
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Is this because I asked Sensei Chris
0:24:47 > 0:24:49how much money Senseis make in a year?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Frankly, you're cramping my style. I'd prefer it if you left.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53What the hell, Mum?
0:24:53 > 0:24:55I just spent all weekend being your man-servant
0:24:55 > 0:24:58- and now you're telling me to piss off?- I'm sorry, but this is MY time
0:24:58 > 0:25:00and having my daughter tag along sort of spoils it.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01I thought we'd made a fresh start.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05You know, cutting up those clothes, gossing about Fat Boy Slim.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09Maybe I was wrong, and maybe I should go fuck myself.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11My own mother wants me to fuck myself!
0:25:11 > 0:25:12Hannah Mary French, please shut up!
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Listen, if it'll stop you whingeing,
0:25:14 > 0:25:17maybe I'll give you a story for that magazine of yours.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19If they print it, we can split the money 70/30.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22- It was my idea.- Fine, whatever.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Now, can we crack on with the sparring?
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Sensei Chris is watching. I'd love to impress him,
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- see what he's got under that black belt.- That's kind of gross,
0:25:29 > 0:25:30but I'm really glad we had this talk...
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Argh!
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Great technique, Marion.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Thank you, Sensei.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Where are you going?
0:25:50 > 0:25:51I've got a little surprise.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58What the fuck is that?
0:25:58 > 0:26:01This is a hydraulic dildo machine.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03I read about it in a magazine.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Now, I don't actually know what hydraulic means,
0:26:05 > 0:26:09so I just hooked up two vibrators to a car battery.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10Oh, my God!
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Wait, why are there two vibrators?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15One for him, one for her.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Dan, that looks kind of dangerous.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20- BATTERY HUMS - Why is it making that noise?
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Whoa, who's vanilla now, missus?
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Trust me, this thing is totally safe.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27I watched a YouTube tutorial.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Not on this exactly.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32It was about car batteries in general, but I got the gist.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34We just have to sit back and enjoy the...
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Oh, my God! Dan, let go!
0:26:36 > 0:26:38I can't!
0:26:38 > 0:26:42- How do I turn it off?!- I don't know, I didn't finish the tutorial!
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Oh, my God, what have you done to the flat?
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Is that my underwear?
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Oh, yeah. I turned the place into a sex dungeon for Izzy.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07We nearly had sex but then I electrocuted myself.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09What?
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Yeah, I think I might give it a few weeks before I text her again.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Play it cool.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15What happened to your nose?
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Mum and I had a really great chat and then she kicked me in the face.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Do you want an ice dick for that?
0:27:23 > 0:27:25No, no, I don't.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Could you get my underwear off the ceiling.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29First thing tomorrow.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Fine, I'm going to bed.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Now Mum's gone, I can finally get my room back.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Ah, I wouldn't go in there if I was you.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38That was supposed to be the fingering grotto.