0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains strong language.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09MAN SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
0:00:10 > 0:00:13Hannah, this kitchen is a tip.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16I thought we agreed you'd do all the housework and I'd, you know...
0:00:16 > 0:00:17not?
0:00:17 > 0:00:18- Sh. I'm busy.- No, you're not.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21You're just watching that boring Dutch show again.
0:00:21 > 0:00:22First of all, the show's Swedish.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Secondly, Styckningen is not boring.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28It's a taut, psychological drama about weird sex murders.
0:00:28 > 0:00:29My favourite kind of murders.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31I think you might be addicted.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Just because I watched 26 episodes in three days and briefly
0:00:33 > 0:00:36considered buying a catheter does not mean I'm addicted.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Well, either way, this place is falling apart.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41There weren't even enough clean cups.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43- Is that my gymnastics trophy?- Yeah.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Couldn't use one of mine, could I? Because I don't have any.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47But thanks for rubbing that in.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49DOORBELL
0:00:50 > 0:00:52DOORBELL
0:00:54 > 0:00:57- Who is it?- It's that dude from downstairs...
0:00:57 > 0:00:59- Shit, what did you do? - What do you mean?
0:00:59 > 0:01:01I've made a real effort not to engage with any neighbours
0:01:01 > 0:01:04in case they turn out mental, or ask for favours.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07- He must be here to tell us off. - Well, I haven't done anything.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10I mean, I did start leaving food down by the communal bins,
0:01:10 > 0:01:11but that was just to attract foxes.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Guys, I can hear everything you're saying.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15I'm not going to tell you off.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19What can we do for you, neighbour?
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Hi, Gavin, Flat 28.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Sorry to bother you guys, but I've got to ask a favour...
0:01:23 > 0:01:26See what I mean? Never engage with these people.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29- No offence, Gav.- It's just that I'm dashing off to the airport,
0:01:29 > 0:01:31and I really need someone to feed my fish while I'm away...
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Gavin, it would be an honour to feed your fish.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35They're like my fifth favourite animal,
0:01:35 > 0:01:37after elk, all birds,
0:01:37 > 0:01:41Pokemon and, of course, humans.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Cheers, mate, you're a life-saver.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Come on, what are neighbours for?
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Now, let's talk payment...
0:01:59 > 0:02:02My girlfriend was meant to watch them but we had a huge bust-up
0:02:02 > 0:02:05just cos she caught me sending dick pics to her yoga instructor.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Women, eh? Can't live with 'em, can't cheat on 'em.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Yeah, it'll be all right.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12I'll sling her some perfume from duty-free,
0:02:12 > 0:02:14that usually smooths things over.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16The thing is, I couldn't miss this business trip.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Representing the firm out in Dubai.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21My mate Pete was meant to go, but then the prick got ME
0:02:21 > 0:02:23and I was like, "Sorry, pal.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25"You snooze, you lose."
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Gavin, this place is incredible!
0:02:28 > 0:02:31It's like the Batcave had a kid with the Playboy Mansion.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Cheers, mate. Cost me a bomb.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35Check it out!
0:02:36 > 0:02:38"And who do we have here?"
0:02:38 > 0:02:42"Pleasure to meet you, Mr Bond. I am the beautiful...Vagina Tight."
0:02:42 > 0:02:44OK, easy there, Danny.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Those are one-off 50th anniversary figurines.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Seriously, with all this cool stuff, you must be happy the entire time.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Well, it doesn't hurt.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57But these little ladies, they're my pride and joy.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Snowball Antlers, the Ferraris of the sea.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Come all the way from Rio Negro, in Venezuela.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07You've got to replicate the environment to the dot,
0:03:07 > 0:03:09just to keep them alive.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11The right pH, good algae levels.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14If the temperature changes just two degrees, then...
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- Dan, mate, you listening? - Yeah, I'm with you...- Cool.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Now, setting the hydrometer can be a little fiddly,
0:03:21 > 0:03:24- so do you want to come take a look? - Yep.
0:03:24 > 0:03:29But, FYI, this chair has sort of given me an erection.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30Just a heads-up...
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Oh, come on, Bjorn! Don't go into the abattoir, you twat!
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Whoa, are you all right? You took one hell of a tumble there.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Oh, my fucking burrito!
0:03:46 > 0:03:49I mean, what kind of idiot leaves a bin in the middle of the street?!
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Easy, Miss Burrito. You've got to be more careful on your phone.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55My cousin lost an arm crossing the road and texting at the same time.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58She was looking for the thumbs-up emoji and a motorbike wiped her out.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02- Kind of ironic.- Well, I wasn't texting, I was watching Styckningen.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04- What's that?- Oh, my God, you've never heard of it?!
0:04:04 > 0:04:07It's this gruesome Swedish drama about this girl who gets murdered
0:04:07 > 0:04:11and her family grief counsellor might be the serial killer.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Listen, I was about to take a break from busking.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Let me buy you a replacement lunch, you can tell me all about it.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Um, maybe? What kind of busker are you?
0:04:20 > 0:04:24I mean, like, aspiring musician or recently homeless?
0:04:24 > 0:04:25Ha, aspiring musician.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27In that case, that sounds nice.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29- I'm Hannah.- I'm Bryn.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- Broon?- No, no, it's Bryn.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33Bryn.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Sorry, I don't know if it's your accent or because
0:04:35 > 0:04:39I recently fell over, but I cannot understand what you're saying.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40It's Bryn.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41Hmm...
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Don't worry about it, Miss Burrito.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46- Come on.- Broon?- No, it's Bryn.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49So me and him had lunch and he's like maybe the coolest guy ever.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Seriously, he's got tattoos, he used to be in a band, and all
0:04:52 > 0:04:55the clothes he wears are either way too baggy or way too tight.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- Doesn't sound like your usual type. - What do you mean, my "usual type"?
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Not weirdos... just, really weird guys.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06Like...that one who insisted on watching Stomp twice a week?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Or those whack-job twins who pretended to be one person.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Sam and Scott were actually a really nice guy, OK?
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Look, all that matters is that Bryn is fit and a musician
0:05:16 > 0:05:17and super into me.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20He even invited me to an open mic gig he's doing tonight!
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Cool, well, if it works out maybe he can give me
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- a guitar lesson some time.- Are you sure Gavin said you could use his
0:05:25 > 0:05:27- place whenever you want?- Yeah!
0:05:27 > 0:05:30I mean, he didn't literally say those words, but he implied it.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34- What did he say?- "Here are the keys, I'll see you in ten days."
0:05:34 > 0:05:36I'm just reading in-between the lines.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Plus, this is the only way I can properly protect those fish.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41I'm sort of a 24/7 fish-bodyguard.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42That's absolutely not a thing.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Hannah, look at this place.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46I'd be an idiot not to abuse it.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48There's even a Jacuzzi in the bathroom!
0:05:48 > 0:05:50At least you're fucking up this guy's flat instead of ours.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52I'm not going to fuck this place up.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Now, if you'll excuzzi,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56I needs more Jacuzzi.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58GLASS CRASHES
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Fuck, this is so cool.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07I'm meeting a cute guy for a date at an open mic night.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09I'm finally making the most of my 20s!
0:06:09 > 0:06:12That's the same thing you said the first time you tried salted caramel.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- Where did you get that jacket from? - Oh...
0:06:15 > 0:06:16Gavin's wardrobe.
0:06:16 > 0:06:17That thing is way too small.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19I know, but it looks wicked.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Plus, I found 25 quid in the pockets
0:06:22 > 0:06:25and a bunch of sweet-ass business cards.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26Gavin Mulkai - associate solicitor.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Miss Burrito! Glad you made it!
0:06:29 > 0:06:30Who's your man?
0:06:30 > 0:06:31I'm Gavin.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35This is my brother...Gavin.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38- I sort of brought him along as protection.- Protection?
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Basically, I ended up watching, like, 12 more episodes of that show today.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43It's great, but it seriously fucks with your head.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46I got worried you might turn out to be a psycho cannibal pervert,
0:06:46 > 0:06:48like Dr Holmqvist.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Well, I have done some wild shit in my past,
0:06:51 > 0:06:53but I promise I won't kill you and eat you.
0:06:53 > 0:06:54That's all I needed to hear.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56In which case, I'm going to head to the bar,
0:06:56 > 0:06:59and buy £25 worth of Pringles.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00You kids have fun.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- Gavin seems nice.- Gavin's an idiot.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Nice, you ride a crotch-rocket?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16What's that?
0:07:16 > 0:07:17Just saying, sweet bike jacket.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21You seen the new Ducati? Those things are absolute beasts.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22God, yeah, the Ducati.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26It's like riding a big dick... with wheels.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Still, nothing like hopping on and getting the adrenaline going
0:07:29 > 0:07:31after ten hours glued to the fucking FTSE, right?
0:07:31 > 0:07:32HE LAUGHS
0:07:32 > 0:07:36- Sorry, Rob. - Gavin Mulkai - associate solicitor.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37Ah, Parker Osborne?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39I'm with HR Schrader.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Didn't we work with you guys on the RBK flotation?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Oh, yeah! Of course.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48I did not think that thing was going to...float,
0:07:48 > 0:07:50but, you know, when it did...
0:07:50 > 0:07:51I was over the moon.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Listen, let me get you a drink, Gavin, you've earned it, mate.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Yeah, I HAVE earned it.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Liquid larceny drips from the slathering jaws
0:08:01 > 0:08:04as the flowers stare blankly and say nothing...
0:08:04 > 0:08:09Fucking hell, I feel like my heart's having a heart attack.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11- Feel that...- Oh, wow.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14And you're sweating through your beanie too.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Are you sure you don't want something to drink?
0:08:16 > 0:08:17I really shouldn't.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20I'm just not used to gigging without the rest of Wolfdude.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22- What's Wolfdude? - Oh, that's my old band.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25- How come you left? - The lifestyle was killing me.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27You go to a new town, booze all day,
0:08:27 > 0:08:29play the gig, do a bunch of coke,
0:08:29 > 0:08:32shag someone, snort some heroin so you can get a bit of kip in the van.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Then rinse and repeat.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Wow, that is some seriously cool rock'n'roll shit!
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Trust me, Bryn, you're going to be fine tonight.
0:08:41 > 0:08:42You think so?
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Definitely! Everyone else here is just some pathetic wannabe.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48You've been there, done that, got the T-shirt,
0:08:48 > 0:08:50sold the T-shirt to buy more heroin.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51You're going to be great!
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Cheers.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55APPLAUSE
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Shit, I'm up.
0:09:04 > 0:09:09Before I start, I'd like to dedicate my set to a very special lady...
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Miss Burrito.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12That's me!
0:09:12 > 0:09:14I'm Miss Burrito!
0:09:14 > 0:09:19# Oh, God, my saviour
0:09:19 > 0:09:22# My rock, my staff
0:09:22 > 0:09:28# On hallow ground he came to pass
0:09:29 > 0:09:32# You opened my eyes
0:09:33 > 0:09:37# And raised me up
0:09:39 > 0:09:43# Yes, I believe in Jesus... #
0:09:43 > 0:09:46I'm like "Whoa, whoa, whoa, Judge,
0:09:46 > 0:09:48"how can my client have done those murders
0:09:48 > 0:09:51"if I was on the yacht with him the whole time?"
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Then the judge says,
0:09:53 > 0:09:57"Gavin, mate, you're the best lawman I have ever seen.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58"This trial is over."
0:09:58 > 0:10:02And, I shit you not, he high-fives me.
0:10:02 > 0:10:03The whole place goes ape-shit.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Wow, I didn't even know commercial solicitors
0:10:06 > 0:10:08- dealt with murder trials. - The good ones do.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10By the way, guys, if any of you ever get accused of murder,
0:10:10 > 0:10:13don't worry, I'll sort you out.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14Mates rates.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- Cheers.- Yeah, all right!
0:10:16 > 0:10:18GLASSES CLINK
0:10:21 > 0:10:23# Yeah. #
0:10:26 > 0:10:28SCATTERED APPLAUSE
0:10:32 > 0:10:33That was a bit rough.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36No, they just didn't get it.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39To be honest, I sort of didn't get it.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41You did keep mentioning God.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Are you seriously a Christian?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Well, I've only been on it for three months, but, yeah, I am.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50I thought you knew. I mean, didn't you notice all this?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Yeah, I just assumed it was, like, dumb Russell Brand stuff.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54No offence, but you seem way too cool.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56You're fit and you swear and stuff.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58It's not weird for you, is it?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00No, come on, Christianity's like the vanilla of beliefs.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02You can still go out with girls, right?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04I'm only up as far as Corinthians,
0:11:04 > 0:11:06but, yeah, I'm pretty sure that's fine.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09In that case do you want to go grab a fro-yo?
0:11:09 > 0:11:10I mean, if your God allows it?
0:11:14 > 0:11:15THEY SPEAK OWN LANGUAGE
0:11:20 > 0:11:21Bryn, if you don't pay attention,
0:11:21 > 0:11:24you're not going to see what they find inside the girl's cavity.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Sorry, it's Paxton. He plays bass in Wolfdude.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30He won't stop texting me, keeps begging me to rejoin.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32What, and you told him no?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36I'd love to go back, but I'd only end up in trouble again.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38That whole scene is bad fucking news.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42From now on, the only drug I need is God's love.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44And methadone.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Tell him you're too busy watching Scandinavian people
0:11:46 > 0:11:49get murdered with your awesome girlfriend.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Anyways, I'd better make moves.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54I've got a Bible study meeting at four.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Bryn! How's my favourite Christian?
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Yeah, good, man.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Cocktail party, my place, tonight.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Get your holy ass down there.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Cool.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Cheers, Gavin.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08I'll call you later, Miss Burrito.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14What do you want, Dan? Why aren't you down at Gavin's place?
0:12:14 > 0:12:17I just came to give you an invitation.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Having a little soiree at mine tonight.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22- Dan, you can't just throw a party at this guy's flat.- Why not?
0:12:22 > 0:12:25You're abusing his trust and it's totally out of order and...
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Is there genuinely a free bar?
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Yeah, found the keys to his drinks cabinet.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31And four of his watches.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Dan, you're turning into the shit Mr Ripley
0:12:33 > 0:12:34and it's getting kind of creepy.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36It is not getting creepy.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Who's up for some Gavin-tinis?!
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Cheers, Gavster.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45MUSIC PLAYS
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Hey! Here's the happy couple!
0:12:51 > 0:12:52What's all this about?
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Thought I'd make a bit of an effort, you know, for the party.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- I think it's a sharp look. - Thanks, Bryn!
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Can I get you something to drink?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02I've made my own special cocktail for tonight -
0:13:02 > 0:13:05it's vodka mixed with rum,
0:13:05 > 0:13:08with a splash of wine just for flavour.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Oh, I'm sort of off the booze.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Don't worry, dude, there is some OJ in the kitchen.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15You know, out of all the losers you've been out with,
0:13:15 > 0:13:17I think Bryn is definitely my favourite.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Yeah, he's really great. We've spent all week together.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23The only thing is... we haven't, you know...
0:13:23 > 0:13:24taken it to Pound Town.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28What?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Yeah, well, we kiss and stuff but every time we get near
0:13:30 > 0:13:33the main attraction, he just calls it off.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36I'm really scared he might be hiding a misshapen penis or something.
0:13:36 > 0:13:41Well, I believe it was Jean-Jacques Rousseau who said,
0:13:41 > 0:13:45"Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet."
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Gavin's got a book of quotations in his bathroom.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51I've been having a flick through in the Jacuzzi.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Maybe this Gavin thing isn't so terrible?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56I mean, you're reading books, dressing better
0:13:56 > 0:13:58and those fake glasses are actually all right.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Oh, they're not fake, they're real. I found them in his bedroom.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03To be honest with you, this whole place is a blur.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09- OBJECTS CLATTER - Sorry!
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Mum? You made it!
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Your message said it was a dire emergency.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Oh, yeah, no, that was just a lie.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Good lord, Hannah, you haven't called me here for nothing?
0:14:18 > 0:14:19I had to cancel a Thai massage.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I could be dripping with essential oils as we speak.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23I didn't call you here for nothing.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26I want you to meet my new boyfriend. Hey.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29This is my mum. I was just telling her how great you are.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Bryn.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Broon? Did he say his name was Broon?
0:14:33 > 0:14:37- Hey, Mum! What are you doing here? - Why are you dressed like...
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Actually, I don't care. Could you get me a vodka and anything?
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Ah, we're actually running a bit low on vodka.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44I used it all in the Gavin-tinis.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45I can fix you something.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47On tour we'd run out of booze all the time.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48I can make something to get
0:14:48 > 0:14:51you hammered on pretty much just cranberry juice and Listerine.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Well, Hannah, maybe this one isn't a total write-off.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Come on, Broon, come and fix me a proper drink.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59I count that as a win.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- MUSIC PLAYS - Now these fish are very exotic.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06All the way from...
0:15:07 > 0:15:10..somewhere very exotic, I want to say Africa?
0:15:10 > 0:15:14But they're very delicate, like underwater croissant.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18If the temperature changes even two degrees then they will...
0:15:20 > 0:15:21..explode.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23That's how come they're so rare.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36I think we should slow down.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Come on, Bryn, don't give me blue balls.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41I've had three Gavin-tinis and I'm feeling mega-horny.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Let's just call it a night.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44What, again?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Why don't you want to have sex?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Have you got a misshapen penis?
0:15:48 > 0:15:50What is it, crooked?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Upside down? Super thin?
0:15:52 > 0:15:56What? No, my penis is fine. If anything, it's great.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57I just feel like we should hold off.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00I mean, God's pretty strict on the sex stuff.
0:16:00 > 0:16:05But, does not it say in the good book, "Do unto others"?
0:16:07 > 0:16:10So, come on, Bryn. Do unto me.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13OK, Miss Burrito. I'll be honest with you.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15The only reason I don't want to do it is because
0:16:15 > 0:16:17I just found out I got into Bible college.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19So what? That sounds like fun.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Well, not fun, but you know what I mean.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25The thing is, it's actually a two-year course. And...
0:16:27 > 0:16:28..it's in Inverness.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30What?!
0:16:30 > 0:16:32You're moving to Scotland for two years?!
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Why would anyone do that?!
0:16:34 > 0:16:35I mean, what about us?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38We can still see each other - it's only nine hours on the train.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Nine hours on the train? Do I look like a fucking Victorian?
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Look, I think this could be really good for me.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46I've done some shit I'm not proud of -
0:16:46 > 0:16:49one-night stands, drug-fuelled orgies.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52I shagged my roadie's wife in a phone box in Carlisle.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- Really?- Yeah. Poor Beast.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56The guy had no idea.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Listen, let's just talk about this later, yeah?
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Why don't you pop on another episode of that show?
0:17:02 > 0:17:06I'll make you some coffee, sober you up a bit.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09You win this round, God!
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Speech, speech, speech!
0:17:12 > 0:17:13OBJECTS CLATTER
0:17:15 > 0:17:20Just want to say, thank you all so much for coming tonight.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Now, I, Gavin Mulkai,
0:17:23 > 0:17:27have so much to be thankful for in my life.
0:17:27 > 0:17:33An amazing flat, a 3D television, and shit-hot fish.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36But life's not about possessions,
0:17:36 > 0:17:38even if they are fucking cool.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41So here's to you guys -
0:17:41 > 0:17:44the people who make this all worthwhile!
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Cheers, Gavin.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:48 > 0:17:49I'm Gavin Mulkai.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52I'm Gavin Mulkai.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56This is so unfair.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00I finally get the perfect boyfriend and God goes and snatches him away.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Shit! Bryn's dead?
0:18:02 > 0:18:05No, but I think our relationship might be.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07He's going to study the Bible for two years.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10I mean, how can it take two years to read one book?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12But you guys were so good together.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16I even came up with your celebrity couple nickname - Bryn Hannah.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19I mean, you just said both our names, but, yeah...
0:18:19 > 0:18:20He's pretty much my dream guy.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22He's hot, he's dumb, so he never contradicts me,
0:18:22 > 0:18:25and apparently there's nothing wrong with his penis.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Just wish there was something I could do to make him stay.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30"Anything worth having is worth fighting for."
0:18:30 > 0:18:33- Is that another one from Gavin's book?- Thomas Jefferson.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37It's like me being Gavin - at first, some people were like,
0:18:37 > 0:18:40"You shouldn't do this, it's creepy, blah, blah, blah."
0:18:40 > 0:18:41Yeah, that was me. And I still think that.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44But if this crazy Gavin adventure has taught me anything,
0:18:44 > 0:18:46it's that dreams do come true.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48You've just got to know the right people
0:18:48 > 0:18:50and have the keys to their flat.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Trust me, I can get him there.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57He listens to me, plus he's really fucking gullible.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Look, just get the rest of the band there and leave Bryn to me, OK?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Excuse me, do you have a moment?
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Can't you see I'm on the fucking phone?!
0:19:04 > 0:19:06My God.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Where are we, Miss Burrito?
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Did you really have to cover my eyes the whole way here?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13I didn't want to ruin the surprise.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Plus we're here now, so, ta-da!
0:19:16 > 0:19:17What's all this?
0:19:17 > 0:19:20It's your old band! They're gigging tonight and guess what?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22- So are you! - What? No! I'm out of the band.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24I'm going to Bible college.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27That's why I wanted to give you a final show, as a leaving present.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29It would really mean a lot to me.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Plus, I already called the guys and said you were definitely in.
0:19:32 > 0:19:33The prodigal dude returns!
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Paxton. It's good to see you, man.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Bro, I'm so buzzed you're playing tonight.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40And that's not just the PCP talking.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43I'm going to go tell Beast to get your gear ready!
0:19:43 > 0:19:45I'm not sure this is a good idea...
0:19:45 > 0:19:47You always say how much you miss the band.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50I guess it could be fun to do a real gig again, you know,
0:19:50 > 0:19:53one that ends with applause instead of a quiet prayer.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- So you'll do it, then? - All right, yeah, go on.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57But make sure you keep me in line, all right?
0:19:57 > 0:19:59I don't want things getting out of hand.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Bryn, I'm your girlfriend, you can trust me.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Oh, I almost forgot, here's your phone.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08I stole it while you were sleeping so I could get Paxton's number. I am so excited!
0:20:19 > 0:20:21I'll raise you all my chips...
0:20:23 > 0:20:25..and...
0:20:26 > 0:20:28..this lamp!
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Gavin Big-Balls!
0:20:30 > 0:20:33OK, all in.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Oh, shit, sorry, mate.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Don't worry about it, this is Gavin's pad
0:20:38 > 0:20:44and Gavin says you guys can spill whatever the fuck you like.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Who the hell are you?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55I'm Gavin Mulkai. Who are you?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57I'm Gavin's girlfriend.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06Listen, guys, I've got to have a chat with the old ball-and-chain.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09We've all been there, mate, say no more.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Go easy on him, love, yeah?
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Yeah, don't move. I'm calling the police.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19No, no, don't. Gavin knows about this.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23Well, not all of it, but I live upstairs and he just asked me
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- to look after his fish. - Oh, those fucking fish!
0:21:26 > 0:21:28He is weirdly into them, isn't he?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Look, mate, I don't know what your deal is, and I don't care.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33I just want to pick up the rest of my stuff, and then I never
0:21:33 > 0:21:37want to see Gavin or anyone who's dressed like Gavin ever again.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Oh! That is a relief.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42I do not want to go back to prison.
0:21:42 > 0:21:47Shit, you opened his Calendar 25?
0:21:47 > 0:21:50That's Timothy Dalton's favourite Scotch. He was saving that until
0:21:50 > 0:21:51he made partner.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Fuck, I didn't realise that was Dalton Scotch.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58Screw him. Serves him right for messing me around for four years.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Cheers...whatever your name is.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01Gavin.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05No, Dan. Sorry, force of habit.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10THRASHING CLIMAX
0:22:10 > 0:22:11CROWD GOES WILD
0:22:13 > 0:22:14Thank you! Good night!
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Cheers, Beast. Good night!
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Bryn, you were amazing.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Like a mix between the young Mick Jagger and the current Mick Jagger.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28- It was a fucking blast! - Whoa, I thought you were off booze.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Just one, settle the system, or I'll be buzzing all night.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Bro! That was electric!
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Cheers, pal!
0:22:36 > 0:22:39The crowd were loving it. They were literally jizzing outta their ears.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Dude, come back. We're not the same without you.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Don't tell me you didn't feel the magic.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45I have to admit, I haven't felt that good in months,
0:22:45 > 0:22:48but it's too late, I'm moving to Inverness.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Oh, fuck Inverness. Maybe God wants you to stay here.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53- What do you mean? - Well, he works in mysterious ways.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56There's a chance that when I took your phone
0:22:56 > 0:22:59and set this all up behind your back, he was moving through me.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02I suppose I could put off going to Bible college maybe for a bit...
0:23:02 > 0:23:03- Yeah.- Definitely!
0:23:03 > 0:23:06God is always going to be there - that's basically his catch phrase.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09You have great mates, a hot band and an awesome
0:23:09 > 0:23:11girlfriend/manager - we can talk about that later.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13What do you say, mate?
0:23:13 > 0:23:14I say...
0:23:14 > 0:23:16fuck Inverness!
0:23:16 > 0:23:18ALL: Yes!
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Better luck next time, big guy.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25I get all dolled up and what's the surprise? A trip to Paris?
0:23:25 > 0:23:27A romantic dinner?
0:23:27 > 0:23:31No, a Silverstone Driving Experience.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33No! For your anniversary?!
0:23:33 > 0:23:35And on the last lap, he ran me off the track,
0:23:35 > 0:23:38said, "You snooze, you lose."
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Ugh, who'd have thought a guy
0:23:40 > 0:23:43who owns the official 007 aftershave could be a dick?
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Well, I'm the idiot for wasting four years of my life with him.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Amanda, you are not an idiot.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Gavin's the idiot.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55I should know, I've spent the last week living as Gavin,
0:23:55 > 0:23:59sleeping as Gavin, using Gavin's sweet Sonicare toothbrush
0:23:59 > 0:24:00and it's been wicked.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05But I don't want to be a guy who could treat someone like you so badly.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09Aw, thanks, Dan. You're a nice guy.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11- I'm glad I didn't call the police. - Me too.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24I'm the one who got the band back together. I'm sort of a reverse Yoko.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Yo, Paxton. Have you seen Bryn? He asked me to look after him.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30He's fine. He's just backstage with a couple of chicks.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35CHATTER AND MUSIC
0:24:42 > 0:24:44What's going on, Bryn?
0:24:44 > 0:24:48Hannah! This is Valerie and JoJo and my roadie, Beast.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Say hi, Beast.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Listen, can I have a word?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Save some of that for me.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Hi. What's the deal with Mary-Kate and Ashley?
0:24:59 > 0:25:03They saw the gig, asked if I wanted to do some coke. I hate saying no to fans.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Plus, I did a bit too much scag with Paxton earlier, so I needed something to pick me up.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09You're doing heroin again? What about all that God stuff?
0:25:09 > 0:25:13It's like you said, I can ask for forgiveness when I'm coming down.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15OK, but maybe you've had enough for tonight.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19We can go home. Watch the final episode of Styckningen.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22I'm going to hang around. I'll be honest, I think that show's shit.
0:25:22 > 0:25:23What?!
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Bryn, the power of Christ compels you to come home with me.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Listen, Hannah, we've had a good run, but I'm in a band now.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Thanks to me, reverse Yoko!
0:25:31 > 0:25:33And, I'm grateful, I really am. it's just...
0:25:33 > 0:25:34I've got a lot more options now.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37I mean, you're like a Christian eight but a band six,
0:25:37 > 0:25:39you know what I mean?
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Fine, stay here with your groupies.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45I hope all that coke was cut with rat poison.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Oh, and, Beast? Bryn shagged your wife in Carlisle.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56Hey, Rob, sorry about the poker night.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00Guess what? Me and that woman totally had sex.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04What do you mean, why do I sound surprised?
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Dan? What are you doing here?
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Gavin. You're back early.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12No, I'm not.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16Shit, it's been ten days already? Time flies, right?
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Why are you wearing my robe? What have you done to the place?
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- I can help you tidy up... - Is that my Calendar 25?
0:26:22 > 0:26:25That's a £500 bottle of whisky. You drank ALL of it?!
0:26:25 > 0:26:27- Not just me. - Shower's free!
0:26:29 > 0:26:31- Oh.- Amanda?- Yeah?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33What's going on?
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Me and your little doppelganger had sex.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Not in your bed.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38Just over there.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40And over there...
0:26:40 > 0:26:43and a little bit in the kitchen.
0:26:43 > 0:26:44What the fuck?
0:26:44 > 0:26:49I know this looks bad, but bear in mind, your fish are doing great...
0:26:49 > 0:26:51- Get the fuck out of my flat! - Yeah, fair enough.
0:26:55 > 0:26:56Amanda, nice to meet you.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02I don't suppose maybe you want to meet up again?
0:27:02 > 0:27:03Get out!
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Hey, Hannah. Where's the Brynster?
0:27:13 > 0:27:18Oh, hospital. His roadie dump-tackled him, broke his collarbone.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19Shit!
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Oh, no, it's fine, we broke up.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Hey, you'll get over it.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28I believe it was Albert Camus who said,
0:27:28 > 0:27:33"Blessed are the hearts that something, something..."
0:27:33 > 0:27:34Is that meant to be a quotation?
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Yeah, I dropped the book in the Jacuzzi.
0:27:37 > 0:27:38Oh, yeah, why aren't you at Gavin's?
0:27:38 > 0:27:42The jig's up. Real Gavin came back. He was pretty PO'd.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44So what are you up to now?
0:27:44 > 0:27:48I thought maybe I'll go and watch the last episode of Styckningen. You in?
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Yeah, sounds cool!
0:27:50 > 0:27:56Or, if you don't mind waiting, I did make a copy of Gavin's key.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59We could sneak in while he's at work, watch it on his plasma? What do you think?
0:27:59 > 0:28:02I think that's maybe the best idea anyone has ever had.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05I can't wait to watch those corpses in high-def!