0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains strong language.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07I can't believe Mr Balcombe's dead.
0:00:07 > 0:00:11It's like, one minute you're just a normal 86-year-old guy,
0:00:11 > 0:00:15lying in your hospice bed, and the next - you're dead.
0:00:15 > 0:00:19- I am seriously pumped for this funeral, though!- What?
0:00:19 > 0:00:22Obviously, I'm sad, too. I mean, I loved Mr Balcombe.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25But it will be great to see the old drama club again.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27That's true, I haven't seen any of them since Mum made us
0:00:27 > 0:00:30quit the club because it was giving us too much self-esteem.
0:00:30 > 0:00:31What was that, 12 years ago?
0:00:31 > 0:00:35I can't wait to see how everyone's changed. Who's losing their hair?
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Who's still jealous because I got the most lines in every show?
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Who's life has gone to shit?
0:00:39 > 0:00:41- He's being cremated, isn't he? - Yeah, I think so.
0:00:41 > 0:00:46OK, cool. And we just, like, watch. We don't add wood or anything?
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Add wood? What are you picturing exactly?
0:00:50 > 0:00:54You know, like they used to do to witches, that kind of thing.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56He's not being burned at the stake. When they cremate
0:00:56 > 0:00:59someone they basically just put their body in a big pizza oven.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00How do you not know that?
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Give me a break, Hannah, it's my first funeral.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05I'm still...learning the ropes.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09What if I cry too loudly? Or not loudly enough?
0:01:09 > 0:01:11I should've practised crying!
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Dan, your crying's going to be awesome.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Now, let's go rock the shit out of this funeral.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33BELL TOLLS
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Hannah!
0:01:39 > 0:01:40Hi. Sorry, do I know...
0:01:40 > 0:01:46It's me, Debbie! From Drama Club. We did, like, seven shows together.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48You and your brother got into a fight over
0:01:48 > 0:01:51a yo-yo at my 10th birthday party and smashed my cake.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Everyone used to call me Flebbie.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Oh, my God, Flabby Debbie! You look so different.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02I have had a teeny bit of a make over.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03I dyed my hair, new wardrobe.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Yeah, and you're not fat any more!
0:02:06 > 0:02:08So, what are you and your non-flabby arms up to these days?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Well, I'm an actor.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Oh, wow - you kept going with that stuff?
0:02:12 > 0:02:15I'm actually putting on a one-woman show.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18It's about a bored housewife who has a secret affair
0:02:18 > 0:02:21with a bored housewife.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25I wrote it myself. You should come. I can get you tickets.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29Erm... No. Thanks.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- What?- No, I'm sure your show's fine.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34But I just have absolutely no interest in seeing it.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38Wow, you really haven't changed.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Thank you! I'll see you inside.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51He was a good man.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Thank you, thank you. Do take a seat.
0:02:56 > 0:03:01I'm sorry for your loss. Your dad was a great man and an inspiration.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02Thank you.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05His drama club was so special. It changed lives.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07That would have meant a lot to him.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Taught me a bunch of cool tongue-twisters,
0:03:09 > 0:03:14"To begin to toboggan, first buy a toboggan". It was brilliant.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16I actually had a dream about him last night.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19I was back in the drama club and
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Mr Balcombe was there, but he was a spy.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26He didn't say it, but you know how you just, like, know stuff in dreams.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30And then he was like, "Everybody get out, it's a chemical attack!"
0:03:30 > 0:03:33And so I kick in the windows and get everybody out.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35And I'm running.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39And it's me, your dad and a guy who works in a cafe near where
0:03:39 > 0:03:41I live - he's there for some reason -
0:03:41 > 0:03:47and we're running and running and we get to a big field and then...
0:03:48 > 0:03:49..I woke up.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54OK. Well, if you'd like to take a seat.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Also, I got you something. Sort of a condolence present.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06I know it won't go all the way to replacing your dad,
0:04:06 > 0:04:08but I hope it helps.
0:04:09 > 0:04:14Um, also, I opened it and played with it a little bit
0:04:14 > 0:04:15and I kind of broke the left ear.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18I am sorry for your loss.
0:04:24 > 0:04:29THEY SING A HYMN
0:04:36 > 0:04:37This is my programme, get your own.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39I spilt Diet Coke on mine.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40Where did you get Diet Coke from?
0:04:40 > 0:04:43I brought some just in case, do you want one?
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Yeah, all right.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Is that a poncho?
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Yeah, I told you, it's my first funeral,
0:04:49 > 0:04:51I don't want to be underprepared.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54I've also got a torch, some baby wipes and a pocketknife.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Oh, my God, it's Adam Piper.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00Who's Adam Piper?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02He was in our drama club, remember?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05His parents split up and he emigrated to New Zealand.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Can't believe he's here! He was my first kiss.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10And you were so bad he fled the country?
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Shut up! It was fucking magical.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15It was the year we did Peter Pan, literally the last night.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18I was waiting in the wings to go on for my solo and he just came
0:05:18 > 0:05:23up behind me, whipped me around, kissed me and then just walked off.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24That was your first kiss?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26That was the last time I ever saw him,
0:05:26 > 0:05:29his mum picked him up as soon as the show finished.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31It was the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me,
0:05:31 > 0:05:32or probably anyone.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Adam.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Pst, Adam.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Adam!
0:05:43 > 0:05:44Amen.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49'Right, I'm going to go'
0:05:49 > 0:05:52track down Adam Piper. I WISH I'd known he was coming to the funeral,
0:05:52 > 0:05:54I would have worn something sexier.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Aren't you kind of making too much of this? It was just a dumb kiss.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59It was my first kiss, Dan.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02It's an incredibly formative experience in a girl's life,
0:06:02 > 0:06:04like the equivalent of a boy's first wet dream.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- Yeah, but...- I mean, he was sort of my childhood sweetheart.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Imagine if he hadn't left the country?
0:06:09 > 0:06:12We'd probably still be a couple.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15We'd be doing cool couple shit like getting brunch and having sex
0:06:15 > 0:06:17and Photoshopping each other's faces onto pictures of dogs.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- What?- OK, I'm going in, wish me luck.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Oy, oy, Danny Boy!
0:06:24 > 0:06:27- Wahay!- Holy shit, Jack! I didn't know you were coming.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Mr Balcombe was a fucking hero, I wouldn't miss this for the world.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- What time's kick-off? - The service literally just ended.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Oh, bollocks. Me and Sheriff stopped off for a bit of breakfast,
0:06:36 > 0:06:38met this stonking waitress.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Must have lost track of time.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40Wait, Sheriff's here?
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Yeah, mate, he's right behind you.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Looking good, Danny boy! You've turned into a right gangly prick.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58I had a big growth spurt when I turned 16. And 18.
0:06:58 > 0:06:59I think I might still be growing.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Mate, we were going to sneak in a cheeky pint before the wake.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Ease the pain and all that. You in?
0:07:04 > 0:07:05Yeah, sounds good.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Let's go. Come on, piggyback, you lanky prick.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Adam, hi!
0:07:14 > 0:07:15Oh, hey, Hannah.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18It's great to see you. I can't believe you're here!
0:07:18 > 0:07:19I flew in overnight.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21I just felt like I couldn't miss it, you know?
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Mr Balcombe was like a second, less judgmental dad to me.
0:07:25 > 0:07:30Yeah, sad. Still, we have got a lot of catch up on.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33How's New Zealand, for God's sake? Have you ever met Peter Jackson?
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Just once, yeah. But New Zealand's good.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38I'm actually studying to be a Reiki instructor.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39What's Reiki?
0:07:39 > 0:07:42It's a form of holistic healing, that uses natural
0:07:42 > 0:07:45vibrations from within the universe to remove unhealthy energies.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Oh, so it's one of those scam things,
0:07:47 > 0:07:49like acupuncture or psychiatry.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52No, believe me, Hannah, Reiki is the real deal.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54I once saw a woman with osteoporosis literally forward roll
0:07:54 > 0:07:55out of her session.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59Well, I'm still not sold. But maybe, while you're in town, you could try
0:07:59 > 0:08:01and convince me? Over a kiwi juice, perhaps?
0:08:01 > 0:08:03I'd love to, but I'm heading back tomorrow.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04My flight's first thing.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07You can't be leaving already! I mean, you only just got here.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09It could be another 12 years before I see you again.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Yeah, I know, it's a shame.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13It would have been really cool to catch up.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14But listen, if you're ever down in Auckland
0:08:14 > 0:08:18and you need someone to align those chakras, give me a call.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29There is nothing better than that first, cold sip of your third pint.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30- Cheers, Danny boy.- Cheers.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40- So, you guys came together? - Yeah, mate.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44When we heard the news, we thought, let's make a thing of it, you know.
0:08:44 > 0:08:45A sort of Tour de Grief.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46Send Mr Balcombe off in style.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49I hammed it up a bit, I got a week's sympathy leave off work.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50What do you do?
0:08:50 > 0:08:52- I'm an estate agent.- Gay.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54- What do you do, Sheriff? - I'm a lettings agent.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59Anyway, I got my suit dry-cleaned, hopped in Sheriff's Audi.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02We've been driving and boozing for the last six days.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05I can't believe we're all grown up. Sheriff, you've got a missus.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Jack, you take stuff to get dry cleaned. It's amazing!
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- What you up to, Dan?- Not much.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14- I live with my sister and I went to prison for a bit.- Fuck off!
0:09:14 > 0:09:17- What, for real?- I mean, I was only there for a couple of months, but...
0:09:17 > 0:09:18I always knew you were mental, Dan.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Remember when we were doing Aladdin and, Dan, you jumped off the
0:09:22 > 0:09:25lighting rig with the flying carpet and you broke your elbow.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27THEY LAUGH
0:09:27 > 0:09:31Sometimes I still feel shooting pains when it's cold out.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Fucking brilliant.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Excuse me lads, would you watch my stuff for me?
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Nipping to the toilet.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Do you know what'd be weird, Dan?
0:09:45 > 0:09:49If you ate that old dude's roast while he was in the bathroom.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Really? I mean, that would be weird.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57He'd come back and he'd be all, "Where's my roast run off to?"
0:09:57 > 0:10:00He'd probably shit his head off.
0:10:00 > 0:10:01That'd be so fucking funny.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Yeah, all right. I'll do it.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24- Gravy.- Gravy.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28- Gravy!- Gravy!- Gravy!- Gravy!
0:10:28 > 0:10:30- Gravy!- Gravy!- Gravy!- Gravy!
0:10:30 > 0:10:31- Gravy!- Gravy!- Gravy!- Gravy!
0:10:31 > 0:10:34- Gravy!- Gravy!- Gravy!- Gravy!
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Yeah!
0:10:38 > 0:10:40You're a legend, Dan.
0:10:40 > 0:10:41Legend of the Dan.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00All right, Hannah.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Where have you been?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04And why are you covered in... What is that?
0:11:04 > 0:11:05Oh, it's just gravy.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07I went for a drink with Jack and Sheriff.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Oh, God, not those idiots.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13They're not idiots! Sheriff's a lettings agent and Jack
0:11:13 > 0:11:17got off a drink-driving charge by pretending someone spiked his drink.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Whatever. I've bigger fish to fry.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Adam Piper's going back to New Zealand tomorrow morning.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24And that's a bad thing because?
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Adam Piper wasn't just my first kiss, he was The One Who Got Away.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30I've had an Adam Piper-sized itch for the last 12 years
0:11:30 > 0:11:33and just when I finally get the chance to scratch it,
0:11:33 > 0:11:34he jets back off to Middle Earth.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37I'm not spending another 12 years wondering what might have been.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39So what are you going to do about it?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Well, I guess I don't have a choice.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43I'm going to have to seduce him at this funeral.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- I kind of feel like you DO have a choice.- Shut up.
0:11:48 > 0:11:53Oh, look at them, having a wicked time with the family while I'm stuck over here in Dickhead Corner.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56- This is not Dickhead Corner. - All right, dickheads!
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Hey, guys! I was just telling Hannah about your Tour de Grief.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Yeah, yeah - we were in Brighton last night.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Ended up tagging along with this mental hen party.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05You would not believe how much snizz you get
0:12:05 > 0:12:07when you play the bereavement card.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Obviously, I've got a missus, so I couldn't do anything out of line.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Just went back to the gust house and knocked one out.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15It's really great to see you guys again, too.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16Excuse me.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Do you know what'd be weird, Dan?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24If you put one of your balls in that ramekin.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27Do you think?
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Oh, mate, that'd be classic.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Everyone would be like, "Mm, does this mustard taste like scrotum?"
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Yeah!
0:12:37 > 0:12:39No, don't! What is wrong with you?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41I cannot believe the potential love of my life is
0:12:41 > 0:12:43leaving for another hemisphere in 16 hours
0:12:43 > 0:12:48and I'm stuck in fucking funeral Siberia with a gulag full of idiots.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49THEY SNIGGER
0:12:49 > 0:12:50Where are you going?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52I'm going to go sit next to Adam Piper.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53Let the seduction begin.
0:12:57 > 0:12:58And don't do the ramekin thing.
0:13:00 > 0:13:01Mate, do the ramekin thing.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04Oh, Legend of the Dan.
0:13:06 > 0:13:11Hey. What's happening, peeps? Debs, could I have quick word?
0:13:11 > 0:13:13I was just thinking, maybe we could swap seats?
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Why? What's wrong with where you're sitting now?
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Nothing, I just thought maybe we could mingle.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20You know how parties are.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Well, it's not really a party.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24OK, what's it going to take to get you to swap?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26I've got £15 and a Kit Kat Chunky?
0:13:26 > 0:13:30Come on, Flebbie, I know you've got a sweet tooth.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32You know, I'm all right here.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Fine.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36OK, what if I promise to see your show?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Really? I think you'd love it!
0:13:38 > 0:13:41In the third act, you find out that the housewives have both
0:13:41 > 0:13:42been dead for six years so...
0:13:42 > 0:13:46Oh, my God. No, I'm sorry, I can't. That just sounds terrible.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Oh, that's better.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Um, Adam, you know that Reiki stuff you mentioned.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Do you think maybe you could give me a little demo?
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- Yeah, I'd love to! Face this way. - Yeah.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Oh, my God, I feel better already.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07The great thing about Reiki is, you can do it anywhere.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10I mean, with a blood transfusion, you've got to go to a hospital.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12I can just do this on the bus.
0:14:12 > 0:14:17Excuse me, Hannah. Hi, sorry, could you possibly move your chair?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Er, no, it's OK, I'm fine here.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23Yes, but you are blocking the way a little, so if you wouldn't mind...
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Ugh. Yeah, fine. Sorry.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Thank you.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41That's better. Sorry. Where were we?
0:14:41 > 0:14:42Excuse me.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44- Sorry, I thought... - Could you please just...
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Absolutely.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Hannah!
0:14:56 > 0:14:57Oh, come on!
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Please go back to your seat.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Otherwise, I'm afraid I might have to ask you to leave.
0:15:02 > 0:15:03Fine, I'll move.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06But only because I respect your dad too much to make a scene.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15This old man shit is fucking sweet.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19Oh, my God, I wish I could get one of these for the flat.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21You should, mate. Owls are fucking sound, yeah?
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Hannah would never let me.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26She doesn't like nocturnal animals, she says they're devious.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29You should do what I did when I wanted a 65-inch plasma.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31I just asked the missus for a 98-incher
0:15:31 > 0:15:33and then bargained my way down.
0:15:33 > 0:15:34And that worked?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Let's just say, when I watch Match Of The Day now,
0:15:36 > 0:15:39I can practically feel the spray tan dripping off Lineker's face.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41That's genius.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44You know, I was sort of freaking out this morning, about the whole
0:15:44 > 0:15:45inevitable death thing.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48But hanging out with you guys has just been great.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50I'm so glad you came.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Whoa, hold up, boys - we've struck gold.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57No wonder Balcombe lived so long, he was a walking medicine cabinet.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Do you know what'd be weird, Dan?
0:15:59 > 0:16:01If took all these meds.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Fucking hell, that'd be weird.
0:16:05 > 0:16:11Uh, I guess that would be weird. Might also be a bit...
0:16:11 > 0:16:12..very dangerous?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Mate, it's medicine, how sick can it make you?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16I could do something else weird?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18I could put my balls on more stuff?
0:16:18 > 0:16:21- We've already done that, it's not weird any more.- Come on, mate.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25What happened to Legend of The Dan?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Adam, I think you need to come upstairs.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31I think I felt some bad spirits.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- Spirits?- Yes, spirits, energies, vibrations - whatever.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Can you just come and take a look?
0:16:36 > 0:16:37Right.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43What's the, er... What's the problem?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Oh, nothing, I just thought I'd rescue you from Flebbie.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Besides, our Reiki session got cut short, I thought
0:16:49 > 0:16:52it'd be nice if we...caught up.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55I mean, we do have so much history together.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Look at the two of us, all grown up.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01I'm a young, modern, sexually-independent woman.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03You're a...
0:17:03 > 0:17:05..hotshot Reiki instructor.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09Well, I'm still technically just studying to...
0:17:09 > 0:17:14Whatever. The point is we're older, wiser, we're like two...
0:17:14 > 0:17:15..succulent plums.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19We've been out on that branch, in the hot, hot sun.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23And now we're finally ready to be plucked.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Oh, my God.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28The Wizard of Oz. That was my first show with the club.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31My parents came to opening night and I was so nervous.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34I sweated off all of my lion face paint.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Mr Balcombe was reapplying it
0:17:35 > 0:17:40and I said I didn't want to go on any more and he said,
0:17:40 > 0:17:44"The reason I chose you as the Cowardly Lion
0:17:44 > 0:17:46"is because I know all you
0:17:46 > 0:17:49"need is a tiny bit of courage and there'll be nothing you can't do."
0:17:51 > 0:17:55And I went out there and I smashed it.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57My parents loved it.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01Pretty much the only time they stopped fighting for long enough
0:18:01 > 0:18:02to agree on something.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04And it was all thanks to Mr Balcombe.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13Aw. No, come on. Come here. That's it.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Let it out.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19Let it out.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34OK, right. Pink one next.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36These are for your old kidneys.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40How're you feeling, Danny boy?
0:18:40 > 0:18:41All right.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44My head's a bit fuzzy and I've sort of got an erection, but...
0:18:44 > 0:18:46OK, I can't even pronounce these ones,
0:18:46 > 0:18:47but apparently the side effects
0:18:47 > 0:18:52include "Dry mouth, loss of smell and acute muscle stoppage".
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Bon appetite!
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Time to say adios to your glaucoma.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Oh, shit, it's the missus.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05I'm going to have to take this, the kids are on half term, they'll be doing her head in.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08I should check in with the office. My boss is away. Technically,
0:19:08 > 0:19:10- I'm in charge of the fucking place. - Wait, you guys are leaving me?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Don't worry, Danny boy, I'm just going to deal with this.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16But, you're going to take all of these, yeah?
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Dan, you're a legend.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Legend of The Dan!
0:19:25 > 0:19:29Wow, when I stepped onto the plane in Auckland I definitely
0:19:29 > 0:19:32wasn't expecting anything like that to happen.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34I know, but it felt so right, didn't it?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Like scratching a deep, universal itch.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39It was...amazing.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41You know, part of me always knew this would happen one day.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45- Really?- Yeah. I mean, it's the classic love story.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49Boy meets girl, boy kisses girl, boy moves to New Zealand, boy
0:19:49 > 0:19:52comes back from New Zealand for a funeral, boy and girl reconnect.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55What do you mean? We never kissed.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56Yeah, we did.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58No, I'm pretty sure we didn't.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Yes, we did and it was magical.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04It was the last night of Peter Pan and I was waiting in the wings
0:20:04 > 0:20:07and you came up behind me and whipped me around and kissed me.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10No, no, I missed the last night of Peter Pan. I had food poisoning.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12No, but I remember...
0:20:14 > 0:20:16You mean, it wasn't you I kissed?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19No. But, better late than never!
0:20:19 > 0:20:23I guess the universe has a way of working these things out.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25It's like my Reiki master Zander always says...
0:20:25 > 0:20:27DOOR SHUTS
0:20:30 > 0:20:31Heh.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42I can't believe I just had sex with Adam Piper.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43I thought that's what you wanted?
0:20:43 > 0:20:46That was before I found out he wasn't the one who kissed me.
0:20:46 > 0:20:47He wasn't my long lost love,
0:20:47 > 0:20:50he's just some twat talking about vibrations.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52So you're done seducing people?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54No way, I've come too far to quit.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Someone in this room is The One Who Got Away
0:20:56 > 0:20:58and I'm going to find out who it was, today,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00otherwise Mr Balcombe died for nothing.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03What's wrong with you?
0:21:03 > 0:21:07My left side's just a bit, uh,
0:21:07 > 0:21:08numb.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Me, Jack and Sheriff found a bunch of
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Mr Balcombe's medication and we all took some.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Well, I took some and they watched, but...
0:21:16 > 0:21:17we all loved it.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Oh, my God.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Are you all right?
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't worry about me, I'm fine. Seriously.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Oh, hey, Hannah. How's it going?
0:21:36 > 0:21:40Excuse me, hi. Do you remember kissing me when we were 12?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42It was in the wings during Peter Pan.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46Don't just say no, think about it.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47You, me, Peter Pan.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51This is a long shot, but...
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Hannah, great news! I pushed back my flight home!
0:21:54 > 0:21:56What are you talking about?
0:21:56 > 0:21:58I was thinking maybe I could crash at your place for a few weeks?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- No, absolutely not. - But I thought we...
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Like you said. We have a special connection.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06No, we don't, we definitely don't.
0:22:06 > 0:22:11I mean, I thought we did for, like, ages. But it turns out we don't.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14I just spent £2,000 on a new plane ticket.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17I don't even have anywhere to stay.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Adam, I'm kind of busy right now, OK?
0:22:20 > 0:22:24It was really great seeing you again. I think the Reiki stuff sounds like a crock of shit,
0:22:24 > 0:22:26but, you know, good luck with it.
0:22:27 > 0:22:32I don't know, maybe it's just the whole occasion getting to me.
0:22:32 > 0:22:38Or it's the two-dozen pills I just took,
0:22:38 > 0:22:40or the nasal spray,
0:22:40 > 0:22:43or that one suppository,
0:22:43 > 0:22:46but I just feel like maybe...
0:22:46 > 0:22:48I'm ready to die.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Not now, but one day.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Surrounded by the people I love.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58And maybe a monkey as well.
0:23:00 > 0:23:05That's is such a great point, I've never thought about it like that.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Exactly.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:23:21 > 0:23:23I'm sorry, Hannah, I mean, maybe we kissed.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25But, like I say, I can barely remember the show.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Well, maybe if we kissed now, that would jog your memory.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31What if it was such a good memory, your brain repressed it.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33I'm not sure that's how it works.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Look, just trust me.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37No, no, Hannah - I've got a girlfriend.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40So what? This isn't a sex thing.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43It's like when a farmer tosses off a horse to sell that
0:23:43 > 0:23:46stuff to other farmers - he's not into it, he just has to do it.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48I have to do this.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50Oh, my God!
0:23:51 > 0:23:53What is going on here?
0:23:53 > 0:23:56She's trying to kiss me and won't take no for an answer.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Hannah, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59You're kicking me out of the funeral?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Yes. Now, please leave.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04You can't do that! That's like kicking someone out of a baptism.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08I mean, that did happen to me once, but it was totally the baby's fault.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Frank, Sam, could you please just...
0:24:11 > 0:24:15No, guys, guys! I'm just trying to find The One Who Got Away!
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Ow! Does that mean nothing to you people!?
0:24:20 > 0:24:21Danny Boy!
0:24:21 > 0:24:23How's it going, mate?
0:24:23 > 0:24:24I'm OK. I finished the pills.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28Oh, shit, the pills. I totally forgot about that. Good job.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Thanks.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Everything I look at is covered in purple spots,
0:24:33 > 0:24:36but I like the colour purple, so it's OK.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38That's the spirit, mate.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41In a couple of days, when my ears stop ringing,
0:24:41 > 0:24:43you guys should definitely come round to my place.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45It'll be just like the old days.
0:24:48 > 0:24:54We could order pizza, call 999 and pretend we've been kidnapped.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58No can do, I'm afraid. Taking the missus to Venice for her birthday.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Ten days of eating risotto and fingering her on a gondola.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Things are getting pretty hectic down at the estate agent.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05- Gay.- What about tonight?
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Sorry, mate, we're jumping in the Audi as soon as this thing's over.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Real life, Danny Boy, it don't stop.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12It's like a gangbang of responsibilities,
0:25:12 > 0:25:14they just keep coming and coming. Oh!
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Do you know what'd be weird, though?
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Please, don't make me do any more weird stuff.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21I don't want to drink lighter fluid, or stick a fish knife up my arse.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Nah, I was going to say it'd be weird if you came to Cheshire with us next month.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28- My dad's having a hernia op, we're going to swing by. - We're hiring a barge.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31I love going for a poo on a boat, it makes me feel dead flashy.
0:25:31 > 0:25:36I would hug you guys, but both of my arms have gone completely dead.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Let's get you a couple drinks, that'll sort you out.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Dan! Dan!
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Tell them I'm not crazy! I'm just on a mission!
0:25:45 > 0:25:48- Dan!- Hannah, we're going on a barge.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56Next, Debbie, who wants to say a few words.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Thank you.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00I see a lot of faces here from drama club
0:26:00 > 0:26:03and I know you'll all agree when I say Mr Balcombe
0:26:03 > 0:26:06was a true inspiration.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09It's because of him that I became an actress, which is why
0:26:09 > 0:26:13I'd like to take this opportunity to perform a brief extract from
0:26:13 > 0:26:19my one-woman show - The Scandalous Tribulations of Penelope Forsythe.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Hannah?! What is this? I told you get out! Frank, Sam!
0:26:23 > 0:26:24No!
0:26:24 > 0:26:26If you guys throw me out again,
0:26:26 > 0:26:29I swear to God I will drop-kick both of you in the dick.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32I had to go 11 houses down before one of your neighbours
0:26:32 > 0:26:36believed me when I said I was the garden inspector and let me in.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38I've climbed several fences, crawled through a bramble bush,
0:26:38 > 0:26:42lost a shoe and stepped in a lot of different types of animal shit.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46So I think I've earned the right to say a few words.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48It was 12 years ago.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50It was the last night of Peter Pan.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53I was in the wings waiting to go on.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57Somebody whipped me around, kissed me and walked off.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59It was the best moment of my life
0:26:59 > 0:27:03and I want to know - which of you fuckers was it?!
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Mate, that was fucking Dan.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11What? No, it wasn't.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Yeah, it was, we dared him to do it.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Dan...?
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Why would you do that?
0:27:20 > 0:27:22They said it would be weird.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Legend of the Dan!
0:27:26 > 0:27:29But why didn't you say anything?
0:27:30 > 0:27:33I didn't want to ruin your funeral.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39So you're telling me, basically,
0:27:39 > 0:27:41the best moment of my life,
0:27:41 > 0:27:44my whole sexual persona,
0:27:44 > 0:27:46is based on a kiss with you?
0:27:53 > 0:27:55THAT is fucking weird!
0:27:58 > 0:27:59Sorry.