0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains strong language
0:00:04 > 0:00:07- Sis, check this out. - Sorry, got to dash. Mum's got a doctor's appointment,
0:00:07 > 0:00:09- picking up some test results.- OK, good luck.
0:00:09 > 0:00:13Nah, I'll be fine. The only reason I got the medical in the first place
0:00:13 > 0:00:14is cos my company are paying for it.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17It's great - you get the day off AND a free Pap smear.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Oh, actually, speaking of work shit,
0:00:21 > 0:00:23could you maybe do me a favour and drop this off at my office?
0:00:23 > 0:00:28- The coffee machine?- I borrowed it three months ago and now people are starting to ask questions.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Mainly, "What happened to that brand-new coffee machine?"
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Could you maybe do me a favour in return?
0:00:33 > 0:00:38- I'm listening.- Could I have £500 for a scooter?- Absolutely not.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41It's not just any scooter. It's the X-Whizz 550.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Crazy idea, but have you thought about getting a job
0:00:44 > 0:00:48- and then paying for it yourself? - Yeah, but jobs are SO boring.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52Plus, doing all this scooter research is kind of a full-time job anyway.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54No, it's not. And let's be honest,
0:00:54 > 0:00:57anyone who rides a scooter past the age of five is an idiot.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Would you say that to Jeremy Van Blitz -
0:00:59 > 0:01:02co-editor of Scooter Weekly? because I'm on a forum with him
0:01:02 > 0:01:06- right now and he seems pretty switched on.- OK.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09You're not allowed to use my laptop any more.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Hi, Hannah. I'm Dr Jacobi.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Oh. Hey, doc. I hope you don't mind.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32A new barbecue place opened up around the corner,
0:01:32 > 0:01:33so I got myself a pulled pork sandwich.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37I didn't want it to get cold. Do you want a bite?
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Er, no, thank you. And you probably shouldn't have any more either.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44I'll be blunt, Hannah, you are shockingly unhealthy.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48- What do you mean?- High blood pressure, high cholesterol, high sodium levels.
0:01:48 > 0:01:53- You have the bone density of a 90-year-old refugee.- Come on, Doc.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56It's got to be some sort of mistake. I mean, look at me.
0:01:56 > 0:02:02- I'm a solid nine... 9.5. I'm in great shape.- Do you exercise at all? - Not really.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04I do have this recurring dream where Hugh Grant is chasing me
0:02:04 > 0:02:09with a machete and I wake up sweating. Does that count?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Yeah... I would um, suggest, Hannah,
0:02:12 > 0:02:18that maybe you need to make some adjustments to your entire
0:02:18 > 0:02:21lifestyle, before you end up 35 and getting chest pains every
0:02:21 > 0:02:24time you bend over to tie up your shoelaces.
0:02:24 > 0:02:31I can't believe I'm getting told how to live my life by some stupid doctor.
0:02:31 > 0:02:38RETRO LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT MUSIC
0:02:43 > 0:02:49CHATTER
0:02:55 > 0:02:56What's going on?
0:02:56 > 0:03:00Oh, um, it's Jasper's birthday so management's got him a cake.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04- Really?- Yeah.- So they just buy you guys cake on your birthday?
0:03:04 > 0:03:07- On top of your salary?- Yes.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- And they do that for everyone?- Mhm.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13And how many people work here?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Oh, I don't know. Maybe 30, 40?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19That's like a free slice of cake every eight days!
0:03:20 > 0:03:22I like those odds.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25I don't know why my sister's always badmouthing this place.
0:03:25 > 0:03:30Last week, she said it was where happiness comes to get fucked in the arse.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Oh, this is yours, by the way.
0:03:33 > 0:03:38- Is that our coffee machine?- Yeah. - Sorry, who are you?- So rude of me.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41I'm Dan. Can you take this, actually, cos I'm...
0:03:41 > 0:03:43I'm going to wish Jasper happy birthday.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46See if I can score another slice of this sweet cake!
0:03:48 > 0:03:50WITH MOUTH FULL: Jasper!
0:03:55 > 0:03:59- Hey, sis. How was your checkup? - Hmm. Not great.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03- Turns out I've got the cholesterol levels of a competitive hot dog eater.- Is that not good?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Well, apparently, I'm at risk of obesity, heart disease
0:04:06 > 0:04:08- and something called gravy lung. - Shit. Sounds serious.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I've got to start exercising, drinking water
0:04:10 > 0:04:12and eating better, which is bullshit.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14I mean, this is a can of chopped tomatoes.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17It is literally the closest thing to vegetables we had in the whole flat.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Well, SOME good news for you.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- I got a job in your office.- What?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26I dropped off that coffee maker like you asked.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Loved the atmos, asked if they had any jobs going.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31What job could you possibly get at an insurance firm?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33You have zero qualifications and a criminal record.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36That's why I got the job of caretaker.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40Technically I'm a cleaner, but I prefer the title caretaker.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Taking care of business. Mostly cleaning related.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45This morning, you said all jobs are boring
0:04:45 > 0:04:47and now you want to be a cleaner?
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Try and be happy for me, Hannah.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Yesterday, I didn't have a job. Today, I'm a caretaker.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54By next week, I'll be head of NASA.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Or at least, one paycheque closer to owning a cool scooter.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Aw.
0:05:02 > 0:05:08DANCE MUSIC
0:05:12 > 0:05:13Ugh! What the hell?
0:05:14 > 0:05:15Everything all right?
0:05:15 > 0:05:19That guy just drenched this machine with his gross sweat and he didn't even wipe it down.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23I'm trying to get fit, not catch hepatitis, you fucking animal!
0:05:23 > 0:05:27Ooh, yeah! That guy's a real twat! I heard a rumour that he got banned from the steam room for trying
0:05:27 > 0:05:29to squeeze another guy's nut sack.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31- Seriously?- Yeah.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34But to be fair, I also started the rumour, so it might not be true.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37- Hey, I'm Lucy.- Hannah. - Not seen you around the gym before.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Well, I'm only here cos my doctor said I had to get healthy,
0:05:39 > 0:05:44or I might, you know, die. But I honestly think I'd rather have a massive stroke than spend
0:05:44 > 0:05:45three nights a week around these pricks.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48If you hate the gym so much, there are other ways to get healthy.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52- What, like Chinese supplements? - I was thinking more like sports.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54I'm actually on a women's rugby team.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57You should come to a practice. We're looking for some new blood.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Oh, I don't know. Group activities aren't really my thing.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- I'm sort of a cool, lone-wolf figure.- Trust me. It's wicked.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05We basically just run around pummelling each other for two
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- hours and then spend the rest of the night getting hammered. - That does sound fun.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Plus I'm using my dad's membership and it's only
0:06:10 > 0:06:14a matter of time before they realise I'm not a 55-year-old man.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Ugh!
0:06:15 > 0:06:17'Moving on to the third quarter review, er,'
0:06:17 > 0:06:21- which you'll find on page six, er, if we've all got that.- Yeah.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25Sorry, gang. Just got to give it a quick tidy.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Um, so I think we can all agree, there's plenty of room for improvement here.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32- Are you going to finish that Danish? - No.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36Er, so the first thing I want to look at is ways to improve policy integration.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40So has anyone got any ideas? Anyone.
0:06:41 > 0:06:46Actually, I've got an idea. Mouthwash. In a can.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Er, what is that?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50You could maybe make like mini cans of mouthwash.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53People out and about, they could just grab a can, swish it around,
0:06:53 > 0:06:55chuck it, go back to whatever they were doing.
0:06:55 > 0:07:01Er, OK. Um, but we're an insurance company. We don't make things.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05- Yeah, but you said there were no bad ideas.- No, I didn't.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Sorry, could we get back to the meeting?
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure. I'll just finish up. Pretend I'm not here.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Great. Er, so, um, policy integration.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17VACUUM CLEANER
0:07:17 > 0:07:18Er, one thing that I've...
0:07:20 > 0:07:21Feet up, please.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26FLUTTERY FLUTE MUSIC
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Hannah! Over here.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Hi. Sorry I'm late. I had to go and get a new gumshield
0:07:35 > 0:07:38but they couldn't find any extra wide ones, so it took ages.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Don't worry, pal. Come on, I'll introduce you to some of the girls.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Girls! This is Hannah.
0:07:44 > 0:07:49Hannah, this is Hotpot, Swampy, Jersey Girl and Minge Ninja.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- We've pretty much all got nicknames. - Nice! What's yours?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Ah, they call me The Camel.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57Cos I can drink the most. And sometimes I kick people.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Um, what's the hold-up, ladies?
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Jenny, this is Hannah. She's a mate of mine.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- She's going to be training with us today.- OK, whatever.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Can we just break up this little mother's meeting
0:08:07 > 0:08:09and get back to, you know, practising rugby?
0:08:09 > 0:08:12That's Jenny. She's the captain. Her nickname's Dickhead.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16Listen, cos this is your first time, do you want to just watch for a bit?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19No way. I just spent 60 quid on new boots and a special workout thong.
0:08:19 > 0:08:24I want to get stuck in. Let's do this.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Oof!
0:08:27 > 0:08:32FLUTTERY FLUTE MUSIC
0:08:38 > 0:08:39MUSIC FADES
0:08:43 > 0:08:45I didn't realise anyone was still...
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Er, I forgot some stuff.
0:08:49 > 0:08:54And I realised I needed to clean my teeth.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55So my clothes got wet.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58But...
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Please don't tell anyone.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07CHATTER
0:09:09 > 0:09:11There you go, mate.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Ooh! I think the adrenaline might be wearing off.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18My left earlobe's the only part of me that's not sore.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19Yeah, that's pretty standard.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Don't worry, there's an old rugby trick to deal with the pain.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23Really, what is it?
0:09:25 > 0:09:31SHE GLUGS
0:09:32 > 0:09:35- That.- Shit, that is fucking awesome!
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Lucy, thanks so much for inviting me. I loved it.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41I felt like I got out 24 years of aggression in two hours.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Well, you know, if you're keen, you should sign up for the basting.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48- What's the basting? - Well, it's this initiation thing we do for the new girls
0:09:48 > 0:09:50who want to join the team. Prove that you're worthy.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- Tends to get pretty rough. - Ooh, rough how?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56I don't know, like filthy drinking challenges, humiliating rituals, threats of violence.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Oh, it's like the best part of the year.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02- OK, Lucy. You're on boot duty this week.- I washed them last week.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06- It's Minge Ninja's turn. - Oh, yeah. Well, you missed three tackles and this is the forfeit.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08You know the rules. Oh, and this time,
0:10:08 > 0:10:11maybe don't use that froofy fucking fabric softness of yours.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Cos not everyone wants to smell like day-old Battenberg.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Jeez! What crawled up her arse?
0:10:17 > 0:10:20It's a long story. Basically, me and Jenny used to go out.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- Oh, really?- Yeah. But she was mega possessive.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26One time she went mental in Superdrug
0:10:26 > 0:10:29because I asked, "Where are the tampons?" in a flirty way.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33We broke up. Now it's super-awkward. Seriously, it's bad enough seeing your ex all the time,
0:10:33 > 0:10:35- let alone showering with them twice a week.- Shit.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37That is some hard-core lesbian drama.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41I'm sure it will sort itself out eventually.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Right, you get changed. Let's go and hit the pub around the corner.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48The barman gives the whole team a free pint because he's scared of us.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Oh, God! I love rugby.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Maybe it's none of my business and I don't want you to start
0:10:53 > 0:10:56crying again, but how long have you been sleeping in the office?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- What day is it?- Wednesday.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Six weeks, then.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- Six weeks?- It's only temporary.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Things were a bit rocky at home,
0:11:06 > 0:11:10- so my wife suggested we take a small break.- What happened?
0:11:10 > 0:11:11Did you cheat on her?
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Or like get addicted to online poker
0:11:14 > 0:11:18- and lost all her money to a Korean card shark?- What? No!
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Nothing that drastic. We just slightly drifted apart lately.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24She started taking German lessons.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27And I've been busy with my salt shaker collection.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29You collect salt shakers?
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Yeah, I know you're going to laugh at me but the salt shaker combines
0:11:32 > 0:11:36practicality and diversity, like almost no other object in history.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Kevin! I would never make fun of you for being into something.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42I have spent the last month balls-deep in electric scooters.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44- People love what they love. - Cheers, Dan.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48And I can see you're having a rough time. I'm going to help you out.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49- Really?- Yep.
0:11:49 > 0:11:54By the power vested in me as caretaker, I am officially saying,
0:11:54 > 0:11:58you can sleep under your desk for as long as you want.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Oh.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04I thought maybe you were going to say I could stay at your place.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05But thanks.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Coming through. Thank you very much.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Hey, Dan, Dan. Come here a sec.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17- I need help coming up with a nickname.- Cool, what for?
0:12:17 > 0:12:21All the rugby girls have got one, so I thought I should, too.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25- So far, I've got Hannah the Hammer.- Ooh!
0:12:25 > 0:12:27- El Jefe.- Nice.- Iceberg.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Big Mama Bronco.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33It's tough. Can you use all of them?
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Yeah. Maybe I'll do that. Hey, what are you doing for lunch?
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Do you want to go to that barbecue place?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40- What about your health kick? - Oh, it's fine.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42I'm exercising now, so I can eat whatever I want,
0:12:42 > 0:12:45and then just burn it all off tackling the shit out of people.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Honestly, rugby is SO great.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50I had like six pints with Lucy and the girls
0:12:50 > 0:12:51and then we all got kebabs.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55- None of that really sounds like rugby.- You wouldn't get it.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57You're not part of the rugby culture - like me.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Can you name a rugby team?
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Mexico.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04Hey, Dan.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Er, I just wanted to say thanks again for last night.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Hey, no problem, Cake Slice. Any time.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Er, I actually got you this. It's a space-shuttle salt shaker.
0:13:14 > 0:13:19- I got it out at the convention in Houston.- That is so awesome.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23- Thank you. We are going to get some lunch. Want to come with?- Really?
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- OK. I'll just get my coat.- Cool.
0:13:26 > 0:13:31Why did you invite Kevin? He's a creep. You know he's got leprosy.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32He does not have leprosy, Hannah.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35He has a rare genetic disease that predisposes him
0:13:35 > 0:13:38to skin conditions including ringworm and impetigo.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Since when were you Kevin's fucking dermatologist?
0:13:41 > 0:13:42We talked for ages last night.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44He told me about his crumbling marriage,
0:13:44 > 0:13:47I told him about how I'd just switched to boxer briefs. We really bonded.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51And he's going through some heavy shift at the moment, so cut him some slack.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Oh, fine!
0:13:52 > 0:13:54But if you catch some gross skin disease,
0:13:54 > 0:13:56you can't live with me any more.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59'It was a great session, ladies.' Just a couple of bits of admin.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03Um, first, can we please stop using the e-mail thread for personal matters.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Lindsay, I'm sorry your uncle needs a bone marrow transplant
0:14:05 > 0:14:08but strictly speaking, it's not official team business, OK?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Also, we've got the initiations coming up,
0:14:10 > 0:14:12so all the new girls, brace yourselves.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15And finally, I'm starting to organise this year's summer tour.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18I think it's safe to say that Dublin was a great success last year
0:14:18 > 0:14:20so, hope you're all up for doing that again.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Or - we could try somewhere a bit more exotic than Dublin.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26I mean, we've all had Guinness before.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- Right, where exactly would you suggest, Hannah?- How about Italy?
0:14:29 > 0:14:30Loads of sun.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34Great food plus the people there are better looking - guys AND girls, so
0:14:34 > 0:14:37there'll be a flavour of gelato for everyone, if you know what I mean!
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Oh, Jenny, I've got to admit, I'm kind of with Hannah.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42I mean, we have been to Ireland two years in a row.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Yeah, all right. Well, look, we'll talk about it later.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Anyway, see you next week.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Great practice, guys. Just one small thing.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Can everyone please start calling me Iceberg?
0:14:55 > 0:15:00RETRO LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT MUSIC
0:15:00 > 0:15:03MUSIC FADES
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- I know what you're trying to do. - What, the nickname thing?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Yeah, I'm not 100% sure about Iceberg either.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16I'm talking about you and Lucy. You think just because you're her latest squeeze, you can
0:15:16 > 0:15:19- start throwing your weight around. - Whoa! You're way off the mark.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23- Me and Lucy are just friends.- Oh, really? Well, how come the two of you are such bosom buddies, then?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- Trust me, if I wanted Lucy, I could have her. OK?- OK, Hannah.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Maybe you should make this your last training session, yeah,
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- before things get really nasty. - Is that a threat?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34No, I'm just saying, I AM team captain
0:15:34 > 0:15:38and I can make your life hell. Starting with the initiation.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Well, I don't mind my life being hell,
0:15:40 > 0:15:42because I'm the fucking devil.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Well, if you're the devil, then I guess that makes me an exorcist.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Good, because if you're an exorcist, then I...
0:15:48 > 0:15:49Sorry, guys. Can I squeeze past?
0:15:49 > 0:15:54RETRO LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT MUSIC
0:15:55 > 0:15:59- Thanks for coming with me, Dan. I don't think I could have faced doing this alone.- Come on!
0:15:59 > 0:16:00What are caretakers for?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03How does my neck look? It's not to red, is it?
0:16:03 > 0:16:06My eczema tends to flare up when I get nervous.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09You look fine, K-PAX, all right? And don't be nervous. I've got your back.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17- Hello, Kevin.- Hi, Lorraine. - Hey, I'm Dan. What's cracking?
0:16:17 > 0:16:20This is Dan. He's helping me pick up the rest of my stuff.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24Yeah, well, um, it's all in the garage. I've packed it up.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Wow, you've packed it up already.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30I wanted to make this as easy as possible. It should be all your stuff from the house.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34Clothes, books, 200 salt shakers.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37It's not too late to start again, Lorraine. We had some good times.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Remember our trip to Zurich to see that skin specialist?
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- That was fun.- Yeah, come on, Lorraine. Take him back.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Kevin is one of the sweetest, smartest guys I have EVER met.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50You know he lived in a box under his desk for six weeks without
0:16:50 > 0:16:51getting caught.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55What's going on, Lorraine?
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- Who's this? - This is Oliver, my German tutor.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01We're um...we're together now.
0:17:02 > 0:17:03What?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Is that why you were having eight German lessons a week?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08I'll be honest, most of the phrases I learned were just
0:17:08 > 0:17:11euphemisms involving the word bratwurst.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Dan, let's go and get the stuff. My neck's starting to flare up.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Eesh...
0:17:21 > 0:17:23What's German for... (SING-SONG) awkward?
0:17:23 > 0:17:24Ungemutlich.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Oh!
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Trust me, K-man, you'll bounce back.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33There are loads of women who will love a guy like you.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Face it, Dan.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40I'm a homeless 38-year-old insurance analyst with psoriasis.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41I am pathetic.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45- Hi, Kevin.- Hi.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Dan, a word, please.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Excuse me, Kevin.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57What is Kevin doing here and why are you giving him a massage?
0:17:57 > 0:18:01I am not giving him a massage. I am rubbing ointment on his back.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Just found out that his wife left him for some German idiot.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05I wanted to cheer him up,
0:18:05 > 0:18:07so I offered to help him cream up for the night.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Well, can you please wash your hands and then get rid of him.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- I'm on high alert for this rugby initiation.- Oh! Why, when is it?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15I don't know. That's part of the ritual.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17All I know is that at some point, in the next 48 hours,
0:18:17 > 0:18:20they're going to grab me, and make me do a bunch of weird shit,
0:18:20 > 0:18:23- to prove that I'm teamworthy. - God, women's rugby is awesome.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- Do you reckon I could join?- Dan.- Ah!
0:18:25 > 0:18:27I'm going to head back to the office.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30OK, um, do you want me to come with? Got the keys to the boardroom.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32We can watch a film on the projector.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36No, I think I might just curl up under my desk. Get an early night.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Wait, did he say he's sleeping at the office?
0:18:45 > 0:18:48DOORBELL
0:18:48 > 0:18:52KNOCK ON DOOR
0:18:52 > 0:18:54God, I'm coming.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56DOORBELL
0:18:58 > 0:19:00What the fuck!
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Morning, sunshine!
0:19:01 > 0:19:02Lucy, it's 4.00am!
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Don't worry, here's a little something to blow the cobwebs away.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07- What is it? - It's our initiation cocktail!
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Three different types of lager mixed with two different types of sour cream.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13And with your drink, your initiation has officially begun,
0:19:13 > 0:19:16so from now on, whatever we say, you have to do it.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17With zero backchat.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18What is this? North Korea?
0:19:18 > 0:19:21- Ooh! Backchat.- Give her the penalty.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24What is your problem?
0:19:31 > 0:19:32KNOCK ON DOOR
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Come in.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Wahey! How you doing, buddy?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38You haven't left your office all morning.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Oh, I've just been cleaning my salt shakers.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45Seeing as they're pretty much the only things left in my life.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47You'll never leave me, will you?
0:19:49 > 0:19:53Hey, how about we get out of here? Take your mind off all this stuff.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Thanks, Dan, but I'm going to stay here.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59I might send Lorraine a picture of me crying, see if that changes her mind.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03OK, seriously, K-dog, it is killing me to see you this bummed out.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07- Well, I'll get used to it, I guess. - No way. I'm the caretaker.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11And it is my job to take care of this office and the people inside of it.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Technically, you're just cleaner.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Look, Kevin. Why do you think I started working here?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19It's not because I love smelling of industrial toilet cleaner.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21It's because everyone here was so nice.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23I've only been working there, what, two weeks?
0:20:23 > 0:20:27But I know that in THIS office, we buy cake for each other on our
0:20:27 > 0:20:31birthdays and we help each other through our disastrous marriages.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33- You really want to help me? - Big time!
0:20:33 > 0:20:38Now, tidy yourself up. I'm going to tell everyone we both have diarrhoea.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Take the day off, have some fun!
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Guys, me and Kevin have got the squits.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC
0:20:49 > 0:20:51You may now remove your blindfolds.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Welcome to the basting.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59If you worms want to be part of this rugby team, you're going
0:20:59 > 0:21:02to have to prove how much you want it.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Also there is a nominal £30 admin fee.
0:21:05 > 0:21:10We have a series of challenges that are going to push you to the edge.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13And remember that if you fail a challenge, you must drink.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16If you answer back, you must drink.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19If you start to get sober, YOU MUST DRINK!
0:21:19 > 0:21:20CHEERING
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Ha-ha!
0:21:24 > 0:21:26It's not too late to give up.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Oh, don't underestimate how stubborn I can be, Jenny.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31I haven't spoken to my cousin since we were nine and she told me
0:21:31 > 0:21:33that my pigtails made my head look square.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Trust me, I am not giving in.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38In that case, welcome to hell.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41SHE BLOWS WHISTLE
0:21:41 > 0:21:45CHEERING
0:21:45 > 0:21:46Come on!
0:21:46 > 0:21:50FLUTTERY FLUTE MUSIC
0:21:59 > 0:22:04CHEERING
0:22:06 > 0:22:07Nice!
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Oof!
0:22:14 > 0:22:20CHEERING
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Wahey!
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Wough!
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Congratulations.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38You have survived the physical tests and psychological torture
0:22:38 > 0:22:41but there is one hurdle left.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Please, remove the covers.
0:22:49 > 0:22:50Aw!
0:22:50 > 0:22:53To complete the basting and become an official member of the team,
0:22:53 > 0:22:56you must eat a full cooked turkey.
0:22:56 > 0:23:01- What does this even have to do with rugby?- Oh, what's that? Giving up?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03No fucking way.
0:23:03 > 0:23:11CHEERING
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Thanks for today. It really helped.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- I didn't think about Lorraine all day.- I told you it would help.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19There is nothing better than skiving off work for the day.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21It's the best part of having the job.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23I know it's early days,
0:23:23 > 0:23:27but I feel like maybe I might be ready to move on.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Well, I'm glad to hear you say that, K-swizz,
0:23:29 > 0:23:31because there's one more thing I want us to do today.
0:23:31 > 0:23:36- Oh, yeah?- It's at the office. Come with me.
0:23:40 > 0:23:45CHATTER
0:23:47 > 0:23:51- OK.- What's-her-name is out. Do I win?
0:23:51 > 0:23:55This isn't the fucking Hunger Games, Hannah. You don't just win because you're the last one. Eat up.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- All right! Chill out, Jenny. She's probably had enough.- Er, no.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00- She hasn't finished the turkey. - So what? Nobody does.
0:24:00 > 0:24:05When you took the challenge, you had three bites and started crying and throwing up at the same time!
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Right, look. I'm team captain now and what I say goes.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09She didn't finish it, so she's not allowed in the team.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12- God, what is your problem, Jenny? - She's fucking jealous.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15She thinks there's something going on between me and you.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19- That is crazy.- I know. I told her. If I wanted you, I could have you.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21- What the fuck!- Look, Jenny,
0:24:21 > 0:24:24you massive prick - at this point,
0:24:24 > 0:24:27I don't even give a shit about getting into your stupid rugby team.
0:24:27 > 0:24:33I just want to prove you wrong. I am finishing this turkey.
0:24:33 > 0:24:40SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC
0:24:47 > 0:24:48- HANNAH GROANS - Oh!
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- Are you all right, Hannah? - It's my chest.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- SHE GASPS - I can't breathe.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55SHE GASPS
0:24:55 > 0:24:56I think I might be dying.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Fuck you, Jenny!
0:25:03 > 0:25:07FLUTTERY FLUTE MUSIC
0:25:08 > 0:25:12This is all thE stuff from your old marriage.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13And you're going to burn it.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16What? Are those my salt shakers?
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Kevin, if you really want to move on,
0:25:18 > 0:25:20you've got to get rid of this stuff, OK?
0:25:20 > 0:25:22They're all just reminders of your broken marriage
0:25:22 > 0:25:25and that creepy German guy who's screwing your wife now.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Also, I know that I said salt shakers were cool, but...
0:25:30 > 0:25:32I mean, it is a bit weird.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35I mean, you were like talking to them and stuff.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38- So you want me to set fire to them? - Look, it works.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41When my parents split up, Mum set fire to both of Dad's cars
0:25:41 > 0:25:45- and she was much less crazy after that.- You really think it could help?
0:25:45 > 0:25:46Definitely.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48As the old caretaker saying goes,
0:25:48 > 0:25:51the job ain't done until you take out the trash.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59OK. Yep, let's do it. Ah!
0:26:03 > 0:26:04Ooh!
0:26:07 > 0:26:09How do you feel? Better, eh?
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Well, I've got to admit, it is kind of cathartic.
0:26:12 > 0:26:17I mean, if I can let go of my collection after all these years, I can do anything, right?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19See? I told you, man.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21And you know, I think tomorrow,
0:26:21 > 0:26:24I'm going to start looking for a place to live. A real place.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Not the office.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Wow! That fire really is going up.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Yeah, well, a lot of the salt shakers were made of porcelain.
0:26:32 > 0:26:37I wanted to make sure they went up so I chucked in a bunch of flammable stuff from the cleaning cupboard.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38Really?
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Oh, my God, Kevin! You...You...
0:26:43 > 0:26:46- Argh! ARGH!- You...
0:26:46 > 0:26:50KEVIN SCREAMS
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Of course it's medical malpractice.
0:27:00 > 0:27:05Well, maybe I do have a solid legal case and you're just a shit lawyer. Hello?
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- Fuck! - Hey, how was your first day back?
0:27:08 > 0:27:12Yeah, fine. Except for I can't find a lawyer to help me sue this fucking quack doctor.
0:27:12 > 0:27:13Easy, sis.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- You've just had a heart attack. - It wasn't a heart attack.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18It was an acute gastric episode.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Either way, if it wasn't for him being all like, "Ooh, get healthy!"
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Then none of this would have happened.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25- How come you're not in uniform? - Oh, I just quit.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29Yeah, got my first pay cheque yesterday and finally bought myself that scooter.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Yeah, but that doesn't mean you have to quit your job.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33You can just keep earning money.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Why? I don't need two scooters.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39Plus the whole workplace environment's pretty awkward at the moment.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Kevin's been really weird with me all week.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45Hey, K-dog.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48How's the new flat looking? You going to have a housewarming?
0:27:53 > 0:27:56- Do you see what I mean? - I told you that guy was a creep.