0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains strong language
0:00:04 > 0:00:07- Have you seen those illegal caffeine pills?- I took the last three.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09I wanted to stay up and finish writing my graphic novel.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11It's about a set of triplet werewolves
0:00:11 > 0:00:14who use their sense of smell to solve crimes.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17Shit, Dan, I really needed those for work. It's Annual Report Week.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20How am I supposed to get through it if I'm not chemically enhanced?
0:00:20 > 0:00:21- What's Annual Report Week?- Oh!
0:00:21 > 0:00:24Every year, we have to spaff out this massive document
0:00:24 > 0:00:25for the stupid shareholders.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27It usually means a whole week of staying late.
0:00:27 > 0:00:31- I'm talking 6.30, 7. - That's insane.- I know.
0:00:31 > 0:00:32It's like modern-day slavery,
0:00:32 > 0:00:35except with a salary and health insurance.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Hey, how about this afternoon you call up the office
0:00:37 > 0:00:40and pretend to be my doctor, say I've got swine flu or something?
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I'm always up for impersonating a doctor, but I can't.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45I've got another salsa class with Mum.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48- You and Mum are doing salsa classes together?- Yeah, it's the worst.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50I just don't understand how such a delicious sauce
0:00:50 > 0:00:52can be such a boring activity.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55- Well, why did you sign up for it, then?- I didn't. Mum did.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57- Just tell her to fuck off.- Hannah!
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Mum gave us the gift of life. We owe her everything.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Also, she threatened to cut off my allowance.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04That does sound pretty rough.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06God, you're so lucky Mum doesn't really like you.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08- Mum doesn't like me?- Oops, sorry.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24HORN BEEPS
0:01:24 > 0:01:27- SALSA MUSIC PLAYS - Good, ladies! Very nice.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30And left.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32And right.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Great. Excellent!
0:01:35 > 0:01:39Very good. Keep your bodies nice and close together.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Daniel, this is not a difficult step.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45- An upright horse could do it. - I'm trying my best.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Well, try harder.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Now put your hand on the small of Mummy's back.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53Mum, is there seriously no-one else you can do this with?
0:01:53 > 0:01:54I mean, this is so weird.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Everyone else here's just retired couples.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59That's not true. What about Vivian and Ralph?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01And spin.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Yeah, but Ralph's the weirdest guy I've ever met.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08There's nothing weird about spending quality time with your mother.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09I'm going to the bathroom.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13I want to remove my bra so I can let loose for the next number.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Keep your arms still.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18- Hello, Dan.- Oh!
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Hi, Ralph. Sorry, I didn't realise you were there.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24I'm very light on my feet. Unlike some people.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Oh, yeah. Well, I'm just sort of here as a favour to my mum.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31I mean, she breast-fed me for five years. Least I could do.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34If you really want to do your mum a favour, you should kill yourself.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36- What?- Just saying.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38It's the big recital next week
0:02:38 > 0:02:44and me and my mum are going to fuck you and your mum in the ass.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Dude, I told you - I really don't care about this salsa stuff.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52So pathetic. No wonder your mum doesn't respect you.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54She respects me.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56- Ow, what the hell?! - Stop chitchatting.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Now, come on, let's get on with the practice.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01One more time! From the top.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03SIREN BLARES
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Hey, Lloyd, what's going on?
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Someone found a headless corpse in the lift.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Ugh, gross!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Turns out the company above us was a front for some Chinese drug ring.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22I mean, in retrospect, that does kind of make sense.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25What kind of name is Business Incorporated?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- So what happens now?- They're going to do a load of forensics.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Apparently, the office is shut down for the week.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Kind of messes with your head, doesn't it?
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Something so tragic happening right where we work.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Yeah, the fragility of human life, whatever.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Did you just say we get a whole week off work?
0:03:40 > 0:03:42What about the annual report?
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Um, I dunno. I guess it'll be postponed.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Sweet!
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Bonus holiday week? Thank you, Triads.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56Daniel, you were by far the worst dancer in the class today
0:03:56 > 0:03:59and Hector is on his third set of knees.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01This week, I want you practising at home.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03I'll try, but I've got a lot on.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06I need to redraft the last chapter of Wolf-Cops.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07While I'm paying for your idle life,
0:04:07 > 0:04:11I will be the organ-grinder, you will be my dancing monkey.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14God, you even manage to make a dancing monkey sound boring.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16- Shh!- Brrr!
0:04:16 > 0:04:18- Is that a voice coming from my bathroom?- Shit!
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Maybe it's a burglar and he stopped to take a bath.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Why would a burglar stop to take a bath?
0:04:23 > 0:04:24It might be like his calling card.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28He leaves a dirt ring and some pubes so you know he's been here.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29Come with me.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Right, you go in there and bash him on the head.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Seriously? What if I hurt him?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36He is trespassing on my property.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- Now, go!- Ahhhh! - SHE GASPS
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- Oh!- Marion!
0:04:41 > 0:04:45And little baby Dan. What a wonderful surprise.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49- For goodness' sake, Leslie. - Mum, you know the burglar?
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- It's not a burglar. It's my sister.- Oh.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59DOORBELL RINGS
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Ah, sweet. Just in time.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Oh, er, I didn't order any Cajun chicken chunks.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12- Actually, those come as part of your meal deal.- Sweet!
0:05:12 > 0:05:15You know, this day is shaping up to be the perfect day.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17On the way home, this guy shouted, "Nice arse," at me.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Then he got clipped by a white van. Best of both worlds.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22At least someone's having a good day.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24My last delivery turned out to be a prank call.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Now I've got five pepperonis stinking out my car.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Wait, you've got five pizzas in your car?
0:05:28 > 0:05:31- What are you going to do with them? - I guess throw them out.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Or you could slide them my way.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35You're going to eat six large pizzas?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38What are you, a pizza guy or a fucking nutritionist?
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Ah, yes!
0:05:41 > 0:05:45Oh, sorry, I would give you a tip, but I've only got notes, so...
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Dread to ask, Leslie, but what are you doing here?
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Can't a girl stop by to visit her big sister
0:05:54 > 0:05:56and her favourite little nephew?
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Look at you, Dan. I haven't seen you since you were six
0:05:59 > 0:06:01and I left you with those Hell's Angels.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03WHEEZY LAUGH
0:06:05 > 0:06:09- What have you been doing with yourself?- Mostly chilling out.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11I went to prison for a bit, which was OK.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14I made my own version of Capri-Sun in the toilet.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Who'd have thought? Little baby Dan turned into such a resourceful young man.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19- I'm proud of you!- What about you?
0:06:19 > 0:06:21What have you been up to since you last disappeared?
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Apart from breaking and entering.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Well, I was a roadie for a bit.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Dog walker. Licensed chiropractor.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Unlicensed chiropractor.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32You know, for me, my life is my art.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36So, really, the last few years have been a crazy fucking tapestry.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38It sounds like you've been a very busy bee.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41I'm sure you'll be needing to head off.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Yeah, the thing is, Maz,
0:06:43 > 0:06:47um, I'm currently a teensy bit... What's the word? Um...
0:06:47 > 0:06:49..homeless.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51I broke up with Spike.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Ugh, that leather-clad Welsh degenerate.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Well, I was just wondering if maybe I could crash here
0:06:57 > 0:07:00just for a couple of nights, just till I get myself sorted?
0:07:00 > 0:07:03- Absolutely not.- Oh, wow.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06My own sister doesn't care if I'm sleeping rough.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10I'll just find myself an alleyway and maybe I'll kill a rat
0:07:10 > 0:07:13and I'll roast it over an open wheelie bin.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Mum, you can't let her sleep rough and eat rats for dinner.
0:07:16 > 0:07:17I know what I'm doing.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21She waltzes in here every few years with some sob story
0:07:21 > 0:07:23and then won't get lost until I've opened my cheque book.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27- Well, it won't work this time. - Don't worry, Aunt Leslie.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30You can stay with me for as long as you need.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Dan, you're my hero!
0:07:33 > 0:07:35I AM a hero. A superhero.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39And mum's the villain - the wicked Cruelzilla.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40- Shut up, Daniel.- Sorry, Mum.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Welcome to my bachelor pad.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49Or, as I like to call it, Dan-sylvania.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54- Cool to sleep on the sofa? - Oh, yeah, I'm sure I'll manage.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58- I once squatted for two months in a condemned abattoir.- Cool.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Dan, I've had the most amazing day today.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Someone got killed at the office and I got some free pizza.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- Look who's here! Aunt Leslie!- Ohh!
0:08:06 > 0:08:10She just broke up with her boyfriend so I said she could crash with us.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13You can take this bangle as a sort of thank you.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16- I found that on Jim Morrison's grave.- Wow, sweet!
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Look at this - I've got some cool jewellery
0:08:19 > 0:08:21and my fun, sexy aunt to hang out with.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22Today, it just keeps getting better.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25I thought you said today was going to be a "paperwork Guantanamo"?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Yeah, but since then, not a single thing has gone wrong.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31I don't want to jinx it, but I think this might be...
0:08:31 > 0:08:33the Golden Week.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36- Sorry, what's the Golden Week? - I'm glad you asked, Aunt Leslie.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40The Golden Week is a special, once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon.
0:08:40 > 0:08:41No, please don't do this again.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44It's a full week of uninterrupted luck, prosperity and joy.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46And it's my white whale.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Oh, sure, I've come mighty close more than a few times.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- Hannah, please stop. - The first being in December 2002.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53I was 13.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55I won the gold medal at gymkhana
0:08:55 > 0:08:58and I went up two bra sizes in one night.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Then, to cap it all off,
0:08:59 > 0:09:02I had tickets to that week's recording of Top Of The Pops.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Was a young Hannah French giddy at the thought of being on television?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Just a bit.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09But on the very last day of my Golden Week,
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Katie McGuire accidentally broke my nose in PE.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Top Of The Pops wouldn't let me on with two black eyes
0:09:14 > 0:09:17and my Golden Week was ruined.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19But I have a feeling that Old Lady Fate
0:09:19 > 0:09:20may be giving me another chance.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Don't you think you might be taking this a bit too seriously?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25It's just a bunch of random stuff happening.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27No, I think she might be on to something, Dan.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31I've always believed in unseen cosmic forces sort of guiding us on our journey...
0:09:31 > 0:09:32Nah, nah, that's bullshit.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35But the Golden Week is definitely legit.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Look, I'll prove it.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41I bought this scratchcard earlier today.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43- There's no way that I can lose. - That's crazy.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45You're crazy, Hannah.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Well, this crazy son of a gun has just won a two-night stay
0:09:53 > 0:09:56at a three-star bed and breakfast in Swanage, travel not included.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58I am invincible!
0:10:01 > 0:10:02Swanage...
0:10:06 > 0:10:09You know, I was in a real state after breaking up with Spike,
0:10:09 > 0:10:12but hanging with you these last few days,
0:10:12 > 0:10:13I am in a much better head space.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Come on, you're my favourite aunt.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17I mean, you're my only aunt,
0:10:17 > 0:10:19but you're still number one in my books.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23And that is why I am going to treat you to a massive spread.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25I hope you like fancy cheese.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- Whoa! Did you steal that cheese? - Could call it stealing.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Or you could argue that cheese is a natural resource.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34It is of the earth.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Like, putting a price on cheese,
0:10:36 > 0:10:39that's like putting a price on oxygen, or oil.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- Yeah...- Take this bottle of wine.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44- Right, what is it? - Did you steal...?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46It's a bottle of crushed grapes.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48And yet they expect 12 quid for it.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52Can you imagine spending 12 quid on some crushed grapes?
0:10:52 > 0:10:56The way I see it, ownership is just a concept.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59It's just something to tie free spirits like you and I down.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03- That is my whole philosophy.- Wow!
0:11:03 > 0:11:05I always thought philosophy was, like, what's the point of life?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Or, is it OK to eat toast if you drop it on the ground?
0:11:08 > 0:11:11- But I love yours. - PHONE RINGS
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Oh, shit. It's Mum.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16She keeps calling to check that I'm practising her dumb salsa steps.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20- Let it ring. She'll get the hint.- Really?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Dan, the world is full of people who get off on telling us what to do -
0:11:23 > 0:11:25parents, clergy...
0:11:25 > 0:11:26paramedics.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Sometimes, you've just got to ignore them and do your own thing.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30RINGING STOPS
0:11:30 > 0:11:33See? You've always got to trust your Aunt Leslie.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Be a poppet.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Stick that in the fridge for me.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Hannah, is that you?
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Katie McGuire!
0:11:47 > 0:11:51Oh, my God! I haven't seen you since school. How's it going?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Good! How are you? What are you up to?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Oh, I was just looking up some horse races.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57I'm on a bit of a lucky streak this week.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01I was thinking of putting 300 quid on Philip Seymour Hoofman.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04It's crazy bumping into you. I was just talking about you.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07- Oh, really?- Yeah, about how you broke my nose in PE.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Oh, God, that was so bad.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10There was blood everywhere
0:12:10 > 0:12:13and you kept, like, mumbling about Top Of The Pops?
0:12:13 > 0:12:16- I felt like such crap. - Oh, hey, it was an accident.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19I mean, sure, it did ruin my Golden Week,
0:12:19 > 0:12:23but it's not like I think about that three or four times a week.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Sorry. How about you? What are you up to these days?
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Oh, I'm trying to direct. TV, promos, that kind of shiz.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33I'm actually making a music video at the moment.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- Have you heard of that R&B guy, Zeff?- Zeff?
0:12:36 > 0:12:38The one who does the songs about women sweating?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40- Yeah, that's the one. - Oh, my God, I love that guy.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44# Gonna make you sweat till you're wet. #
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- Yeah!- That is so cool! - It's a bit stressy at the moment.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50We're shooting in, like, two days and one of the girls we're using
0:12:50 > 0:12:52slipped on some baby oil and dislocated her shoulder.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55I'm scrabbling to find a replacement and none of the agencies...
0:12:55 > 0:12:59SHE GASPS The Golden Week.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Katie, listen. Let me be the replacement. I can do it.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Really? You know we can't pay you, like, anything, right?
0:13:05 > 0:13:08I know this might sound crazy, but I think that girl's shoulder
0:13:08 > 0:13:10snapped out of its socket for a reason.
0:13:10 > 0:13:16So I could star in your music video and finally achieve a Golden Week.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19OK, brill! Although you wouldn't really be starring in it.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21It's just one scene. You'd mainly be there as eye candy...
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Katie, please do not ruin yet another Golden Week for me!
0:13:26 > 0:13:28LESLIE LAUGHS
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- Hey, Hannah. - Oh, hi, Han. Perfect timing.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38I need a wazz. Want to take my place?
0:13:38 > 0:13:39SHE CONTINUES LAUGHING
0:13:41 > 0:13:43- Dan, you got a ping-pong table? - Oh, yeah.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Aunt Leslie's mate Big Phil
0:13:45 > 0:13:47needed to get rid of some stuff real quick,
0:13:47 > 0:13:49so he gave it to us for ten quid.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- Huh!- He threw in a bunch of this laughing gas as well.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55- HISSING - Aunt Leslie is awesome.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59She knows so much about life and philosophy
0:13:59 > 0:14:01and how to disable security tags.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Clearly, my Golden Week is rubbing off on you.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- Are you still going on about that? - Dan, it's the real deal.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Today, I randomly bumped into Katie McGuire.
0:14:08 > 0:14:13- And get this - she's putting me in her music video.- Seriously?
0:14:13 > 0:14:17Yeah, it's for Zeff's new single - It's No Sweat (If You Sweat).
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Oh, my God! I've got all his albums.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Slippery When Sweat, Sweat It Be, You Sweat Your Ass...
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Well, I've got the costume fitting for the vid tomorrow,
0:14:25 > 0:14:27so maybe I could snag you an autograph.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Yes!
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Thanks for stepping in at such short notice.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36The shoot should be totes standard - four, five hours, then you're free.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39You could probably even keep the dress.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41A golden dress for a Golden Week.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45- Hey, ladies, hope I'm not interrupting anything.- Hey, Zeff!
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Oh, this is Hannah. She's the girl replacing Monique.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51It's great to meet you. I'm a huge fan.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54# Ooh, girl, you're so fine Got me sweating like, whoa. #
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Nice to meet to, honey.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Listen, Katie, that intern kid messed up my lunch order again.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01He got me a damn prawn salad and everybody knows that...
0:15:01 > 0:15:04# Zeff don't fuck with the shellfish. #
0:15:04 > 0:15:06I am so sorry, I'll fix it for you.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Thank you, Katie. You're the greatest.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Absolute pleasure to make your acquaintance. I'll see you tomorrow.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15# Not if I see you first. #
0:15:18 > 0:15:21OK, cool. I think we're all set here.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- Is there anything else you need? - Don't think so.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Actually, is that salad just up for grabs now?
0:15:27 > 0:15:29- Um... Yeah, sure.- Great!
0:15:29 > 0:15:32A free lunch and a free dress?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Oh, Golden Week, you do shine so bright.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- SALSA MUSIC PLAYS - And left. And right.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40That's great! Excellent!
0:15:40 > 0:15:44Very good. Keep your bodies nice and close together.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47That's it...
0:15:47 > 0:15:51Daniel, you just trod on my toes. What's the matter with you?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53And why do you smell like a Dutch strip club?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55I'm sorry. I'm just really hung-over.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Me and Aunt Leslie had a massive night last night.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00What did I tell you about fraternising with her?
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Please...keep your voice down, Mum.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04My head is killing me from all the laughing gas.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Oh, great, now she's got you doing drugs.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Next you'll be out on the street corner in minishorts
0:16:08 > 0:16:11selling favours to perverts.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Daniel, that woman is a selfish, destructive imbecile.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18She is not an imbecile. She knows a lot about politics.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Did you know that the Iraq War was because of oil?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Uh-oh, trouble in paradise.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27- Oh, shut up, you weirdo. - Daniel, don't make a scene.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29No, Mum, and stop telling me what to do.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31I'm not a kid any more. I'm a grown man.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34I shouldn't be at a fucking salsa class with my mum.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36I should be hanging out with my aunt.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37Daniel, don't you dare walk out!
0:16:41 > 0:16:43You were too good for him anyway.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48I'm going to use that fucking ratty ponytail to garrotte you!
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Do you hear me, Spike? Spike?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Ahhhhh!
0:16:53 > 0:16:55- Ah! Urgh!- Everything OK?
0:16:55 > 0:16:57It's Spike, my ex.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59He flogged the minivan that we bought together
0:16:59 > 0:17:01and he's refusing to give me my share of the money.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05What a dick! We should sue him, go all Erin Brockovich on his ass.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07I don't want the authorities involved.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08I've got a few outstanding warrants.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11You know, unpaid parking fines, impersonating a judge.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13- Shit, what are you going to do? - He's actually on his way.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16He's coming over to drop off my stuff.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Do you reckon you could stick around?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20I could do with some backup from my big, brave nephew.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22HE SCOFFS
0:17:22 > 0:17:24I guess I am pretty big and brave.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Aaaah! Fucking hell!
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Oh, my God. Are you OK?
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Er, I'm on my way to star in a hot music video,
0:17:31 > 0:17:33so I'd say, yeah, I'm doing pretty well.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Hannah, no offence, but you look like total dogshit.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39He's right, Han-Han. You should go back to bed.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43- No way. I'll be fine. It's just nerves.- Nerves?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45OK, there is a small chance
0:17:45 > 0:17:48that I might have contracted food poisoning from a free prawn salad,
0:17:48 > 0:17:50but I'm not missing this shoot.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53This is the crowning glory of my new Golden Week.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go be... Hm...
0:18:00 > 0:18:02..sexy.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05Ooh.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16DOORBELL RINGS
0:18:16 > 0:18:17That'll be Spike.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21- All right, Leslie?- Hello, Spike.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Did you bring my 500 quid? Son of a bitch!
0:18:24 > 0:18:27I told you, Leslie - I don't owe you a bloody penny.
0:18:27 > 0:18:32I paid for half that van and it was my idea to use it as a bang bus.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Well, you owe me a grand for throwing my laptop in the canal.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Come on, Spike, we're all civilised adults here.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Who's this fucking gangly ballsack?
0:18:40 > 0:18:43OK, that's a not a great place to start negotiations,
0:18:43 > 0:18:45but at least we've got a dialogue going.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48How's this for a dialogue? Both of you can piss the fuck off.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Listen, Spike, I'm not gunning for an argument.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54I just really need the money.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Bloody hell, what is that?!
0:18:57 > 0:18:58What are you on about, woman?
0:18:58 > 0:19:00BOTH GRUNT
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Oh, my God!
0:19:02 > 0:19:04- Aunt Leslie, what have you done? - Oh, don't worry.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07I've just chloroformed him. Right, let's get him inside.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10SHE STRAINS
0:19:12 > 0:19:14KNOCK ON DOOR
0:19:14 > 0:19:17- What's up, Hannah? How's it going? - Oh, great!
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Nightmare getting here, though.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Taxi driver kept trying to take me to hospital.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25- But I am here and I am raring to go. - Cool beans.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27I just came to say we're a smidge behind schedule.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Zeff said his sunglasses weren't "trill" enough
0:19:29 > 0:19:31and we're not sure what that means,
0:19:31 > 0:19:33so we're trying out a bunch of new pairs.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- Oh. How long's that going to take? - Not sure. Could be a few hours.
0:19:36 > 0:19:37I mean, Zeff's a real perfectionist.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39You know, he spent eight months
0:19:39 > 0:19:41just choosing the snare for his track, Pussy Sweat.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- But you're all right to hang tight right, yeah?- Yeah!
0:19:44 > 0:19:48I might just put my head on the floor here, where it's nice and cool.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- Ohh...- Are you all right, Hannah? It looks like you're shivering.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54With excitement! I'm living the dream.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57OK, cool. Well, I'll come get you when we're ready.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Tell Zeff I said hey!
0:19:59 > 0:20:00Oh!
0:20:01 > 0:20:04We can do this the easy way
0:20:04 > 0:20:07or we can do it the way where I beat you with a phonebook.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11- What do you say?- I say go fuck yourself, you crazy mare.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12All right, we'll do it your way.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Let's see how stubborn you are without earlobes.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Dan, where do you keep your knives?
0:20:18 > 0:20:19Er...
0:20:20 > 0:20:24Dude, I'm so sorry about this whole kidnap sitch.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27I'm sure one day we'll look back at this and laugh.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Aunt Leslie, um...
0:20:30 > 0:20:34don't you think this is getting a bit too crazy?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Maybe we should just let him go,
0:20:36 > 0:20:38give him a Toblerone to smooth things over.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40I'm not going to let him go, Dan. I want my money.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42But didn't you say money is just an illusion?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Yeah, not when it's mine. Could you be a poppet?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Can you find me a tea towel and a bucket of water?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50I think I'm going to have a crack at waterboarding.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Sure.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Get right on that.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Might pop out for a sec.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Don't start the torture without me.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03DOOR SHUTS
0:21:03 > 0:21:05OK, think sexy, think sweaty.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07We're going to get to the second repeat of the chorus,
0:21:07 > 0:21:09look right, look left,
0:21:09 > 0:21:12maybe a couple of hair flicks, we'll clink glasses.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Hannah, did you get all that?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Everywhere is rabbits.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17HER STOMACH GURGLES
0:21:17 > 0:21:19No more.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Uhh, cool.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23OK, I'm just going to check
0:21:23 > 0:21:25that make-up are ready with the fake sweat
0:21:25 > 0:21:27and then we should be good to go.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29OK, everybody, take five.
0:21:31 > 0:21:36Come on, French. This is your Golden Week.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38You're nearly at the finish line. You can do this.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40'Of course you can, Hannah.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49'You're the bravest girl in the world
0:21:49 > 0:21:51'and we're all proud of you.'
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Right, that isn't good.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15RINGS DOORBELL
0:22:18 > 0:22:21- Mum... - Well, if it isn't the dancing Judas.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23I'm busy, Daniel, what do you want?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Mum, I really need your help. I'm in way over my head.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29Right, well, I guess you'd better come in. Wipe your feet.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Oh, and try not to stab me in the back again, will you?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Oh, my! Caught in the act.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Ralph? What are you doing here?
0:22:39 > 0:22:42I needed a new salsa partner after you so cruelly abandoned me
0:22:42 > 0:22:44and Ralph kindly volunteered.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47You didn't treat the lady right and now she's mine.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51Her and I are going to be unstoppable come the big recital.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Mate, literally no-one cares about the recital.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Mum, Aunt Leslie's in the flat. I think she's gone insane.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58I'm really scared.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00It's worse than the time I got stuck on that ghost train.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Oh, if only someone had warned you Leslie was trouble.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04You were right. I should have listened to you.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Now can you please fix this for me?
0:23:06 > 0:23:10- I want you to say it. - Say what?- You know.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13- Mummy knows best.- Wonderful.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Now, let's go and lance the boil that is my sister.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19But, Marion, what about us? What about our rehearsal?
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Ralph, you are a stellar dancer
0:23:21 > 0:23:23and an even better love-maker.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25But I must go and help my son.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30Oh.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34# Now it's 2am We've been here for hours
0:23:34 > 0:23:38# The room's a rainforest It's like a walk-in shower
0:23:38 > 0:23:40# I'm so excited I don't know where to place my hands
0:23:40 > 0:23:43# All I know is I'm in love with your sebaceous glands
0:23:43 > 0:23:46# It's no sweat if you sweat, girl
0:23:46 > 0:23:49# You know, tonight we're both getting wet, girl
0:23:49 > 0:23:52# Call the lifeguard cos I'm about to drown
0:23:52 > 0:23:54# Call me the Titanic
0:23:54 > 0:23:56# Because I'm going...
0:23:56 > 0:23:58# Yeah, it's no sweat if you sweat, girl
0:23:58 > 0:24:02# You know, tonight we're both getting wet, girl
0:24:02 > 0:24:04# Call the lifeguard cos I'm about to drown
0:24:04 > 0:24:06# Call me the Titanic
0:24:06 > 0:24:08# Because I'm going down. #
0:24:11 > 0:24:15Cut. Guys, that take was great.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17I think maybe we're done for the day.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Ohh! I did it. Ohh!
0:24:20 > 0:24:22- Zeff, you happy?- I dunno.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24- I wasn't feeling it. Something's not right.- What?!
0:24:24 > 0:24:27# Zeff just got an idea. #
0:24:27 > 0:24:29We need to switch these two girls around.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32What? I thought you said we were finished.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34You're the sweatiest girl here. You've gotta be by my side.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36That's the only way to make it trill.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39If that would be the most trill, let's just go with that.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Hannah, switch places and we'll go again.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44BELL RINGS
0:24:44 > 0:24:47OK, ready? Action!
0:24:47 > 0:24:48MUSIC PLAYS
0:24:51 > 0:24:54HER STOMACH GURGLES Oh, God.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56I've gotta get out. I've gotta get out.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58I... I need to...
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Can you stop? Stop...
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Look, you have to stop. I need to get...
0:25:03 > 0:25:05WET FART Oh!
0:25:05 > 0:25:08What the fuck?! This girl just shat in the booth!
0:25:08 > 0:25:10This ain't trill, Katie!
0:25:10 > 0:25:13The Golden Week...is dead.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14Ah.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Ah!
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Dan, you are back just in time to see me rub peppers into his eyes.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Maz? What are you doing here?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29I'm sorry, Aunt Leslie. I had to do something.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31This hostage thing is crazy
0:25:31 > 0:25:33and Hannah would go spare if she found a toe under the fridge.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35What on earth is this all about?
0:25:35 > 0:25:37This bastard owes me half a grand.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39- Do I fuck!- Oh, for goodness' sake.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Listen, I will give you the money myself
0:25:42 > 0:25:46if it means you disappear back to wherever it is you came from.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48- Really?- Take this...
0:25:48 > 0:25:51on condition you keep away from my son.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Babe, it fucking worked!
0:25:55 > 0:25:58- Hold it together, Spike. - What the hell?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Er... Yeah, I'm sorry, Dan.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06I'm going to be honest. This was, like...
0:26:06 > 0:26:08a teensy bit of a scam...
0:26:08 > 0:26:11and, er, you were the stooge.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13But I saw you chloroform him.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- That was literally just a hanky. - Unbelievable.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18- But why, Aunt Leslie? - I needed the money.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22I'm going to use it to get back my chiropractor's licence back.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Or maybe just buy a lot of weed.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Yeah, I haven't decided yet.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Leslie, just take the money and let's do the mature thing
0:26:29 > 0:26:31- and agree to never speak again. - Deal.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34And, you know, I've really enjoyed catching up, Dan.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35I mean, we had a laugh.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38I mean, a lot of that was laughing gas, but...
0:26:38 > 0:26:39I'm really going to miss you.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44- Come on, Spike. - Pleasure to meet you folk.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47I don't know if Leslie mentioned, but I'm actually in a prog rock band.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49We've got a few songs up on SoundCloud.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Curious Marsupial.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Look us up, maybe share with your pals. That'd be fab.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Come on, let's go.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01Got any Twiglets?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04We were had by the best.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Thanks for saving my arse, Mum.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Sorry I dragged you here all the way for nothing.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Well, I'm sure there's a way for you to make it up to me.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28- Hey, sis. Feeling any better? - Not really.
0:27:28 > 0:27:29I mean, I'm over the food poisoning,
0:27:29 > 0:27:32but someone leaked the footage of me crapping on Zeff
0:27:32 > 0:27:34and now it's all over the internet.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Ohh, I'm not looking forward to work tomorrow.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Why are you dressed like a bisexual matador?
0:27:39 > 0:27:43Oh, yeah, I've got the big salsa recital with Mum tonight.
0:27:43 > 0:27:44I really don't want to go,
0:27:44 > 0:27:47but I owe her big-time after the whole hostage thing.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49- What hostage thing? - Oh, yeah, I didn't tell you!
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Me and Aunt Leslie kidnapped her ex-boyfriend.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54She was going to cut his toes off, but it turned out it was all a scam.
0:27:54 > 0:27:58Oh, man! I can't believe I shit on my favourite singer
0:27:58 > 0:27:59AND I missed out on a kidnapping?
0:27:59 > 0:28:02This has been the worst Golden Week ever.
0:28:08 > 0:28:12MUSIC: It's No Sweat (If You Sweat)
0:28:12 > 0:28:14# It's no sweat if you sweat, girl
0:28:14 > 0:28:17# You know, tonight we're both getting wet, girl
0:28:17 > 0:28:20# Call the lifeguard cos I'm about to drown
0:28:20 > 0:28:22# Call me the Titanic
0:28:22 > 0:28:24# Because I'm going...
0:28:24 > 0:28:26# Yeah, it's no sweat if you sweat, girl
0:28:26 > 0:28:29# You know, tonight we're both getting wet, girl
0:28:29 > 0:28:33# Call the lifeguard cos I'm about to drown
0:28:33 > 0:28:35# Call me the Titanic
0:28:35 > 0:28:36# Because I'm going down. #