0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10- Which colour lipstick, Shocking Rose or Sore Nipple Pink?- Whoa!
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Mama's got herself a date.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15- You've had four this week. It's only Wednesday.- I know!
0:00:15 > 0:00:18It's this awesome new dating app. Keeps matching me up with guys.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20I guess all those lies I put in my profile are paying off.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22- What kind of lies? - Oh, you know, little things.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24I speak Italian, I volunteer
0:00:24 > 0:00:26at a donkey sanctuary, I'm a helicopter pilot.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28What?!
0:00:28 > 0:00:31It's fine. Everyone does it. Look at this guy I'm meeting.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34His name's Dylan, and his picture is fucking ridiculously fit.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37But for all I know, he's some 4ft 2in creep
0:00:37 > 0:00:38with wooden teeth and a chin beard.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Which reminds me, have you seen my flick knife?
0:00:41 > 0:00:44- No, why?- Well, if he does turn out to be a nutjob,
0:00:44 > 0:00:47then I can slash him. I've looked it up, it's basically legal.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50If you want, you can borrow a screwdriver.
0:00:50 > 0:00:51What is all this stuff?
0:00:51 > 0:00:53You're not the only one with a fun plan.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56I'm building myself a shelf.
0:00:56 > 0:00:57Er, why?
0:00:57 > 0:01:00I wanted to try out my new toolkit. Can you believe that some random guy
0:01:00 > 0:01:04sold me the whole set for 20 quid and one cup of clean urine?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07OK, I don't think you should be doing any DIY.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10You've ended up in hospital trying to put Lego together twice.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11Yeah, but I'm not going to get
0:01:11 > 0:01:14a whole nail gun stuck up my nose, am I?
0:01:14 > 0:01:18Jesus! Look, please don't hurt yourself doing anything stupid, OK?
0:01:18 > 0:01:22A-ha! There she is.
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Wish me luck!
0:01:37 > 0:01:39CAR HORN BEEPS
0:01:39 > 0:01:42LOUD CHATTER
0:01:47 > 0:01:49- Fuck me!- Hannah, right?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Sorry, it's just you look even better in real life
0:01:51 > 0:01:54than you did in your photos. That never happens.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58Thanks! I wish every date could start like this.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Oh, I already ordered. I hope you don't mind.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02We can get another plate of ribs for you.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05They're amazing, it's like having a whole pig melt in your mouth.
0:02:05 > 0:02:06No, that's cool.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10I think I'll just have... the Caesar salad, no dressing.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13- What, that's all you're having?- I'm kind of on a strict diet for work.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14I'm an underwear model.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Wow, that's so cool. I've never met a model before.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20My brother once got tricked into posing for a Ukip poster,
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- but that's about it. - It's kind of a cool job.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Does get a bit samey, though.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Anyway, your job sounds much more fun. Helicopter pilot!
0:02:26 > 0:02:28What?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Oh, shit, yeah. Yeah!
0:02:30 > 0:02:34The job that I put on my profile and definitely do.
0:02:34 > 0:02:39It's like they say, keep your feet on the ground and soon they'll be...
0:02:39 > 0:02:40not on the ground.
0:02:40 > 0:02:45God, it's so refreshing to spend time with a civilian for once.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- "Civilian"? - Oh, sorry, that's what we call
0:02:47 > 0:02:49people who aren't in the industry.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51But, I mean, you're not a model AND you're hot.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52That's like hitting the jackpot.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
0:02:55 > 0:02:58This place used to be so great, now it's always swarming with
0:02:58 > 0:03:01- IDIOTS!- Oh, well, we can go somewhere else, if you like.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03I know a private members' club round the corner.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05It's kind of chic and pretentious, but...
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Perfect! Let's get the waiter back and then we can cancel your order
0:03:08 > 0:03:10and maybe get another plate of ribs for the road.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Yeah, great.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19We make a great team.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Well, hello, there!
0:03:26 > 0:03:27What's that?
0:03:28 > 0:03:32That's right, madam, I AM a rugged builder.
0:03:32 > 0:03:37And it's your lucky day, because I'm here to nail you
0:03:37 > 0:03:38with my nail gun.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41And also with my dick.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Actually, I'm only going to use my dick...
0:03:45 > 0:03:49because this nail gun is really a weapon.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53That's right. I'm also a spy.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57I got a licence to kill...
0:03:57 > 0:03:58and drill.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04NAIL GUN BANGS
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Excuse me, fella, you don't have a lighter, do you?
0:04:12 > 0:04:16No, sorry, dude. To be honest, should you really be smoking?
0:04:16 > 0:04:20I mean, don't take this the wrong way, but you look fucking dreadful.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24Nah, you've got a point. Fuck it.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Well, how about you make yourself useful and help me back to my room?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Sure thing. Wait, you don't have anything contagious, do you?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- Smallpox? That thing from 28 Days Later?- No.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40Cool! Sweet medal! Is it real?
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Yeah. I was in the services for a bit, back in the day.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46That was my prize for getting shot.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49No shit! I literally just got shot tonight.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52I mean, it was with a nail gun, and I did it to myself,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55but, still, I get what you went through.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57And what's this?
0:04:57 > 0:05:00I got given that in an opium den in Beijing
0:05:00 > 0:05:02after I helped this guy's mistress give birth.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Poor bastards were so grateful they named the baby after me.
0:05:05 > 0:05:11That's a mahjong set I made by hand while I was a teacher out in Burma.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15And what's the story with THIS?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18That's my catheter. It helps drain excess urine.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Oh, right. I'll put that...
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Well, thanks for the hand, fella. I'm sure you've got to get going.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Nah. I've got literally nothing on all night.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Hey, do you want to play a game of that mahjong?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32- Do you know how to play?- Nope.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33Oh, good.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38LAID-BACK DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:05:38 > 0:05:41This place is literally crawling with celebrities.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42I've already seen Jessie J
0:05:42 > 0:05:44and three of the pirates from Captain Phillips.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Yeah, those guys are always in here.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Dylan, I don't want to jinx this, but it might be the perfect date.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Yeah, I'm having a good time, too.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54You know, usually I'm in here with other models,
0:05:54 > 0:05:55and they're so busy
0:05:55 > 0:05:59comparing the latest tapeworm diets they're not enjoying themselves.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01What?! This place is awesome!
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Well, except for the music.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05It's like the soundtrack to a jazzy murder-suicide.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Well, I know the DJ. We can go request a track.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Yes, please!
0:06:11 > 0:06:16Pascal! My man. This is Hannah. Is it cool if we make a request?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Yeah, sure. What do you want?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Actually, is it all right if I put on some of my own stuff?
0:06:21 > 0:06:22Sorry.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23MUSIC STOPS
0:06:23 > 0:06:25FEEDBACK
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Wait a moment...
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Oh, don't worry, I've got my own party playlist.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31OK, now the date's perfect.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33MUSIC: Do They Know It's Christmas? by Band Aid
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Come on, let's go and get some free mojitos.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41I don't know about you, but I'm gagging for a drink.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Reach under the mattress for me.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Oh!
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Frank, you sly old dog.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54I get one of the cleaners to sneak 'em in for me
0:06:54 > 0:06:57in exchange for giving him English lessons.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Why don't you just get one of your family to sneak them in?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Well, I would, but I'm in the sticky position of not having any.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04What happened? Was it like a Batman thing,
0:07:04 > 0:07:06they were murdered in front of your eyes?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Nothing like that. I just never really settled down, you know?
0:07:09 > 0:07:13Right, that's me for the night.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Cool. Erm, what are your plans tomorrow?
0:07:16 > 0:07:17I could come and visit again.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20I could sneak you in some more bottles of booze.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21Really? What's in it for you?
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Are you kidding? I get to play board games,
0:07:24 > 0:07:28listen to cool stories from the past. You're like the grandad I never had!
0:07:29 > 0:07:32I mean, I do have a grandad, but he's kind of boring.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35And he only eats sardines, so he has terrible breath.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Right...
0:07:42 > 0:07:44PHONE BUZZES
0:07:45 > 0:07:46'Hey, Hannah!'
0:07:46 > 0:07:47Hi, Dan. You all right?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Just realised you didn't come home last night.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Wanted to make sure you were safe. Or didn't stab anyone.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56Don't worry. I had THE best night ever.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Dylan was literally unbelievable.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02He's a model, and he took us to this exclusive members' club
0:08:02 > 0:08:05and then I got off with his AMAZING body.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Two-and-a-half times. How was your night?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Really fun. I shot myself with that nail gun,
0:08:10 > 0:08:13and then at the hospital I met this old dude with kidney failure.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15'Genuinely no part of that sounds fun.'
0:08:15 > 0:08:18But to be honest, most things are beneath me now.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19I mean, I am part of a power couple.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20'Since when?'
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Since right now.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26From today, it's just going to be me and my gorgeous model boyfriend
0:08:26 > 0:08:29popping from one swanky shindig to another.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Ooh, speaking of which, I'd better go.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Morning. Who was that?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36My brother. I was just bragging
0:08:36 > 0:08:37about how much fun we had last night.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Oh, cool. Maybe we can have a bit more fun this morning.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43- DOOR OPENS - Uh-oh! Sorry!
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Ignore me. I just wanted to grab my phone-charger.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Hi, Amy. This is Hannah.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Hannah, this is my pal Amy. She's crashing with me for a while.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53It looks like you hit the jackpot, Pickle.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55- "Pickle"?- Listen, I've got to run like crazy.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57- But dinner tonight, yeah? - Of course. It's...
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- Thai Thursday! - ..Thai Thursday!
0:09:01 > 0:09:03SO lovely to meet you, Hannah.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07AMY GIGGLES
0:09:07 > 0:09:11She seems nice! How do you two know each other?
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Oh, me and Amy go way back.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15We did our first photoshoot together. She's a model, too.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16I can see why. She's pretty hot.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19She's kind of like a sister to me now. We used to go out, but...
0:09:19 > 0:09:23- Really? For how long? - Well, not that long.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Four years. On and off.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27- Mostly on. - You and her for four years?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- Yeah.- Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32That is so cool.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Dan, can you move all of your tools? It's like living in a fucking B&Q.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44No time. Off to see Frank.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Really? You've seen him every day this week.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50Because he's awesome. Plus, I'm the only person he has to hang out with.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51Wow, that must be depressing.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54I'm going to take him a few box sets to take his mind off
0:09:54 > 0:09:58being stuck in hospital. ER, House and Grey's Anatomy.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Hey, give him an iPad cover from me.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Whoa, where did you get all this?
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Dylan gets all this free swag from his photoshoots and lets me have it.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08Sunglasses.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Ooh, do you want a head-massager? I've got, like, six.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12Yes.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17Wow!
0:10:17 > 0:10:20I guess you really are in a power couple.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22The only problem is his dumb ex-girlfriend.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24- Why, what's she's done? - Well, technically nothing,
0:10:24 > 0:10:28but they spend way too much time together. I mean, look at this.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Yesterday, he sent me a picture of them at the seaside.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33They went there for a day trip just for a laugh.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35I mean, who the fuck does that?
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Whoa, Nelly! She is unbelievable!
0:10:38 > 0:10:39No wonder you're jealous.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41I am not jealous, OK?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Now, could I have my phone back, please?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46One sec. I'm just texting the picture to myself.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47Ohhh!
0:10:50 > 0:10:51KNOCK ON DOOR
0:10:51 > 0:10:54It's open.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Hey, guys. What's going on?
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Oh, hey, Hannah! We're about to watch The Legend Of Bagger Vance.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02It's, like, our favourite film.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Bagger Vance? The one where Will Smith plays a magical golf caddie?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08We watch it once a week. It's sort of a dumb tradition.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11We were on this shoot in Helsinki, staying at this crappy hotel,
0:11:11 > 0:11:14and we got snowed in for, like, a week.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16For some reason, it was the only DVD they had.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18We must have watched it together, like, 30 times.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Oh, my God, Pickle, do you remember that mental hotel manager?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24THEY BOTH JABBER
0:11:28 > 0:11:32Yeah, yeah. Classic!
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Well, hey, how about I join you guys?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36- Yeah, come on!- Might be fun to watch a film with MY boyfriend.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Yeah, come and sit with us.
0:11:40 > 0:11:41Hm...
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Hey, you.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Do you think if I asked really nicely,
0:11:56 > 0:11:58they'd let me take one of these home?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04I'm bored. Tell me another story.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Did I tell you about the summer I spent
0:12:07 > 0:12:09- working as a dog-groomer in Quebec? - You did.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12How about when I saw John Major drop a doughnut on the street,
0:12:12 > 0:12:15look around to check no-one saw and then carried on eating it?
0:12:15 > 0:12:19- Yeah, heard that one, too. - I guess you've heard 'em all, then.
0:12:19 > 0:12:24I tell you, you know your life's in the shitter when
0:12:24 > 0:12:27the last exciting thing you remember doing is giving a stool sample.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30I wish I'd met you 80 years ago.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Jesus Christ, Dan, how fucking old do you think I am?
0:12:34 > 0:12:35I'm only 62.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Oh! Sorry. I was just saying,
0:12:38 > 0:12:40I wish I could have gone on all your cool adventures with you.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43You'd be Tintin, I'd be his little dog.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Do you really want an adventure?
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Come with me.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01OK, I need you to go and distract that nurse for a bit.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Distract her? OK. Like a bomb threat or something?
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Just...keep her talking, all right? Leave the rest to me.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15- Excuse me? Hello, Nurse.- Mm?
0:13:15 > 0:13:20I'm kind of worried, because I've got this weird thing where
0:13:20 > 0:13:24- I feel constipated...- Right...
0:13:24 > 0:13:29..but also, like, my eyes feel...loose?
0:13:29 > 0:13:33- Mm...- As if they're starting to shrink and they might...
0:13:33 > 0:13:38fall out soon. But also, the constipation thing, and it's...
0:13:40 > 0:13:41God!
0:13:41 > 0:13:44I suddenly feel totally fine!
0:13:44 > 0:13:47That's so weird! You must be an amazing nurse.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50You guys should be paid more. I've always said that.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Gets me every time.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04So beautiful, right?
0:14:04 > 0:14:08Oh, yeah, totally. I-I am crying, it's just my tears are very dry.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10PHONE BLEEPS
0:14:10 > 0:14:14Oh, my God! Pickle, it's those test shots from the Sweden shoot!
0:14:14 > 0:14:18I know I said I'd never do nudes, but what do you think?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22- Well, these are stunning. - You think so?
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Well, if you scroll down, there are some with the nipples covered, too.
0:14:26 > 0:14:31It's tough. They've all got, like, this really great raw sexuality.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33What do you think?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Covered, or the ones with the exposed nipples?
0:14:37 > 0:14:42Oh, so sorry, Amy! You'd better go change.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44It's OK. Erm, I'll just be a second.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51- OK, what the fuck is the deal with you two?- What do you mean?
0:14:51 > 0:14:54You're always hanging out together, she keeps calling you Pickle,
0:14:54 > 0:14:56and you both love this bullshit film.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Whoa, Bagger Vance is a good film, OK?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02And me and Amy are just close. I told you, she's like my sister.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Yeah, your really sexy sister who you've slept with multiple times.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09I promise, we're just good friends. You've got nothing to worry about.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12OK, then you wouldn't mind her going out with someone else?
0:15:12 > 0:15:13Well, no, of course not.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Cool. In that case, how about I set her up with a guy?
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Well, sure. Who are you thinking?
0:15:21 > 0:15:22Wait, so what is this?
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Liquid morphine. You ever tried it?
0:15:25 > 0:15:27No, but my mum used to take it for her back pain
0:15:27 > 0:15:30and whenever she had to come and see my French-horn recitals.
0:15:30 > 0:15:35This is pretty much the only thing that makes this hospital bearable.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- Say "ah".- Ahh...
0:15:38 > 0:15:39PHONE RINGS
0:15:42 > 0:15:43Hey.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Just hanging with Frank.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Tonight?
0:15:49 > 0:15:53Yeah, definitely! Er, sweet. I'll be there in a bit.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Holy shit! My sister's just got me
0:15:55 > 0:15:57a date with maybe the hottest girl ever.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00I think I'm going to have to bounce. You all right by yourself?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03I'll manage. At least one of us should be having some fun.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06- Yeah.- Although I'd get a move on if I were you,
0:16:06 > 0:16:07cos once this stuff kicks in,
0:16:07 > 0:16:09you're not even going to know what year it is.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Don't worry, I can handle my shit.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19My brother should be here soon. He is a real catch.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23He's tall, handsome. He nearly put up a shelf.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24KNOCK ON DOOR
0:16:24 > 0:16:25DOORBELL RINGS
0:16:25 > 0:16:26KNOCK ON DOOR
0:16:26 > 0:16:27DOORBELL RINGS
0:16:27 > 0:16:29KNOCK ON DOOR
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Dan, you're late. Where the hell have you been?
0:16:32 > 0:16:34- HE GIGGLES - What's up with you?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Me and Frank took some liquid morphine. Shh!
0:16:40 > 0:16:45Er, guys, this is Dan. Dan, this is Amy and Dylan.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Oh, my God! You could be a porn star!
0:16:47 > 0:16:50OK... Well, seeing as this is a double date,
0:16:50 > 0:16:53I was thinking maybe a fun way to break the ice would be to
0:16:53 > 0:16:55- play some party games.- Well, yeah.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57- We could split off into couples? - Ooh, I'm with Hannah!
0:16:57 > 0:17:01No, no, you're with Amy. And I'll be with Dylan, my boyfriend.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Let's play some games!
0:17:13 > 0:17:15- It's a dick.- No.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18- It's a dick.- No!
0:17:18 > 0:17:22- It's a dick!- No!
0:17:22 > 0:17:24That's not how you draw a dick!
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- Film.- Film.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Six words. First word.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs! - ..Meatballs.- Yes! Great guess.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40- It was a great mime, Pickle. - Yeah! Great mime, Pickle.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44I'm hungry.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48What's your favourite eat? What do...? What do you eat?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Oh. Erm, I like lots of...
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Oh, shut up!
0:17:55 > 0:17:58That is so rude.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Oh, hey, there's this perfume launch at the club on Friday.
0:18:01 > 0:18:02Do you want to be my plus-one?
0:18:02 > 0:18:07Definitely! We wouldn't be much of a power couple otherwise, would we?
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Speaking of couples, Amy and Dan really seem to be hitting it off.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Let's leave them to it.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26PHONE BLEEPS
0:18:32 > 0:18:34What are you doing?
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Oh, sorry. It's just Amy.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40PHONE BLEEPS
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Dylan! This isn't dinner with your parents.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48You can't just zone out in the middle and check your e-mails.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry. My bad.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57PHONE BLEEPS
0:18:57 > 0:18:59OK.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Just a quick reply. I'll do it in emojis.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08I'm sorry, Dylan, I didn't want to have to do this,
0:19:08 > 0:19:10but you've left me with no choice.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12- It's me or Amy.- What?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15You have to choose one. Either I'm in your life or Amy is.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17Well, I guess Amy.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20What the fuck?! I was, like, 1,000% sure you were going to choose me.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24Yeah, but Amy's, like, one of the most important things in my life.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Cutting her out would be like losing a part of my soul.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30But... But what about us? I mean, we're a power couple.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31I can't be a power single.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Look, Hannah, maybe you should go.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Seriously? You're breaking up with me? Can't we talk about this
0:19:37 > 0:19:39or at least just finish having sex?
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Oh, I don't think that's a good idea.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Perfect, my boyfriend dumps me
0:19:43 > 0:19:46and then he doesn't even have the decency to finish me off.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Thanks for nothing.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53- Thanks, Doctor.- OK.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Hi.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Casanova! How was the date?
0:20:00 > 0:20:01Didn't go, in the end.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Just got a really good night's sleep instead.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05So, what did the doc want?
0:20:05 > 0:20:07My test results came back.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Drum roll!
0:20:09 > 0:20:13It's terminal, Dan. There's nothing else they can do for me.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Oh, shit.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19That's how it goes. You live life for a bit, then you don't.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21There must be something they can do!
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Can't they put your brain in a jamjar or a robot?
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Bless you. But it's my time to go.
0:20:34 > 0:20:35Good night, sweet prince.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39What are you doing? I'm not dying right now.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42They said I've maybe got a couple of months left in me.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Great!
0:20:43 > 0:20:48Well, not great, but, y'know... So, what do you want to do today?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51I was thinking we could sneak into one of the operating rooms,
0:20:51 > 0:20:52watch a couple of skin grafts.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56I don't think I'm really in the mood for anything like that, Dan.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Maybe you should just head off.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Yeah.
0:21:01 > 0:21:02Sure.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Dan? I've lost my flick knife again. Can I borrow a screwdriver?
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- Got another date? - Yeah. Dylan is history.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16I'm Katie Holmes post Tom Cruise. I'm getting back out there
0:21:16 > 0:21:19and showing the world how fine I am, and I'm taking the kid
0:21:19 > 0:21:21and a bunch of weird Scientology secrets with me.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Is there any chance you're ever going to clear this up?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26What's the point in cleaning up?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28It doesn't matter what we do with our lives,
0:21:28 > 0:21:30we're all going to die, anyway.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Jesus, Camus, what's the matter?
0:21:32 > 0:21:36Frank got some test results back. Turns out he's terminal.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37Sucks!
0:21:37 > 0:21:39He was like a grandad to me.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41You realise we do have a grandad?
0:21:41 > 0:21:45I just wish there was something I could do for Frank, you know,
0:21:45 > 0:21:48show him my appreciation for all the cool stories
0:21:48 > 0:21:52and life advice and that wicked morphine high.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Well, don't bring him back here.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56I'm trying to move on from Dylan and get lucky.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58The last thing I need
0:21:58 > 0:22:01is a dying old man in my living room cock-blocking me.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13Psst, Frank!
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Jesus!
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Dan? What are you wearing?
0:22:17 > 0:22:20It's a disguise. I'm busting you out of here.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23You might be terminal, but they can't cage a puma.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24It's time for one more adventure.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28Dan, this is a hospital. You don't have to break me out.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30I'm allowed to leave whenever I want.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Oh. Well, get dressed and let's go.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35- Where are we going? - It's a surprise.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Also, I know it's not strictly necessary,
0:22:37 > 0:22:41but do you want to put on this wig anyway, just for a laugh?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51So...!
0:22:51 > 0:22:54I like this place. They do really good ice.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56What do you mean?
0:22:56 > 0:22:59The ice here is great. It's very cold.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Usually, I don't like cold ice, cos I have a sensitive trachea...
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Oh, fucking hell. Look, Sam...
0:23:04 > 0:23:05It's actually Sandy.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Whatever. I'm sorry, I've made a huge mistake.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11I had the perfect man, and then I just threw it all away
0:23:11 > 0:23:15worrying about his stupid ex-girlfriend. I'm such an idiot!
0:23:15 > 0:23:18- We all get jealous sometimes. - What? No!
0:23:18 > 0:23:20The problem is I went too hard, too fast.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23I should've bided my time and sabotaged their relationship slowly
0:23:23 > 0:23:26via a series of psychological traps.
0:23:26 > 0:23:2824 hours ago, I was in a power couple,
0:23:28 > 0:23:30and now I'm stuck here with fucking...
0:23:30 > 0:23:32you.
0:23:32 > 0:23:33Oh, dear!
0:23:33 > 0:23:36I've got to get Dylan back. Sorry, Paul.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47So, what do you think?
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Why have you brought me here?!
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Cos I wanted us to have another adventure together!
0:23:51 > 0:23:53At a bloody fairground?
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Well, I thought about taking you to this private lodge in Zimbabwe
0:23:56 > 0:23:59where you can pay to shoot an elephant in the head,
0:23:59 > 0:24:01but it was really expensive.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Also, the videos were pretty horrific.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Look, let's just head back, yeah?
0:24:05 > 0:24:09OK, look, I know it's not perfect, but I had to do something.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12I just hate the thought of you lying in hospital doing a crossword
0:24:12 > 0:24:14and being forced-fed mashed-up pancakes
0:24:14 > 0:24:17while just waiting to, you know, die for ever.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Christ! You're taking this worse than I am.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24All right, I'll stay.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28As long as you promise not to bring up the fact I'm dying any more.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29Deal.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31What's your favourite-colour candyfloss?
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Ooh, wait, don't tell me, I want it to be surprise.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Dylan!
0:24:36 > 0:24:37Dylan?
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Oh, thank God I found you! This place is mad.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43I just saw Bruno Mars and David Suchet sharing a daiquiri.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45What are you doing here?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48I made a huge mistake and I want us to get back together.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49I was being stupid.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52I don't care that you and Amy are close or that you sometimes
0:24:52 > 0:24:55share a toothbrush. It's like you said, she's part of your soul.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59And that's cool. She can be your soul, and I can be your girlfriend.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Is that true, Pickle?
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Oh, surprise, surprise, it's Amy.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Look, I'm trying to talk to my soon-to-be-boyfriend-again.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Did you really say that I was part of your soul?
0:25:08 > 0:25:12Yeah. You're, like, the most important person to me.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15- Really?- Guys, what are you doing? - Well, yeah!
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Everyone I've been with since we split has been meaningless.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21You have no idea how many civilians I've had to slum it with.
0:25:21 > 0:25:22It's been so awful.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24I'm standing right here. What the fuck?!
0:25:24 > 0:25:26I love you, Pickle.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29No. Stop that. Stop that.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Why are you clapping? Stop it!
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Dylan, I thought we were supposed to be a power couple!
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Thanks for getting me this. I'm going to call him Frank Junior.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49It's the least I could do for you, getting me
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- out of that hospital for a bit. - So you're having a good time?
0:25:52 > 0:25:55I mean, I'm shattered, and I'm pretty sure that hot dog I had
0:25:55 > 0:25:59has given me heartburn, but, yeah, tonight's been fun.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02I told you you'd enjoy yourself. Who doesn't enjoy a fairground?
0:26:02 > 0:26:04You'd have to be dead.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06- Sorry.- That's all right.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10And I don't want to get too soft about it, but I've got to say,
0:26:10 > 0:26:13it has been nice having someone to talk to.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17I'm glad you shot yourself in the leg, Dan.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Me too. And I know you've only got a couple of months left,
0:26:20 > 0:26:21but we're going to make them count.
0:26:21 > 0:26:26I'm thinking karaoke, Turkish baths and maybe a road trip to Stonehenge.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27What do you reckon, Frank?
0:26:29 > 0:26:30Frank?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Frank, are you OK?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Oh, my God!
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Excuse me? Stop the ride!
0:26:41 > 0:26:43My friend's dead!
0:26:43 > 0:26:44Stop the ride!
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Excuse me, my friend's dead!
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Help! Help!
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Hey, sis. How was your date?
0:27:03 > 0:27:04Oh, terrible.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08I ended up trying to win Dylan back, but he chose Amy instead.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11- His loss. - Not really, Amy was super-hot.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13I thought you were going to set me up with her at some point.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15The one that got away!
0:27:15 > 0:27:18I did set you up with her. The double date?
0:27:18 > 0:27:21It was literally right here.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24I have no idea what you're talking about.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Where did you get that toy?
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Frank won it for me just before he died.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Wait, he's dead? Are you all right?
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Yeah. It's like Frank said. It was just time to go.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Plus, because he died in the fairground they gave me
0:27:36 > 0:27:39two complimentary lifetime passes.
0:27:39 > 0:27:40Want to go this weekend?
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Well, I don't have any more dates lined up, so, yeah, why not?
0:27:43 > 0:27:45- Finished with the app, then? - Oh, definitely.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47This whole Dylan thing just proves
0:27:47 > 0:27:50that it is full of sad acts and weirdos.
0:27:50 > 0:27:51Trust me, I could do a lot better.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55Hey. Last night was fun.
0:27:55 > 0:27:56Shut the fuck up, Sandy.
0:28:30 > 0:28:31Bwark!