0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08- Hurry up, I don't want to be late. - Why is Dad throwing himself
0:00:08 > 0:00:09a birthday party anyway?
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Uh, because they're awesome.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13He's been acting really weird lately.
0:00:13 > 0:00:14We went for lunch a few weeks ago
0:00:14 > 0:00:17and he was way more chilled out than normal.
0:00:17 > 0:00:18He even smiled a couple of times.
0:00:18 > 0:00:22What, you and Dad had lunch? Whenever I ask to hang out with him he's always like,
0:00:22 > 0:00:25"Of course I don't want to play Frisbee in the middle of the afternoon."
0:00:25 > 0:00:28But dads always have a special bond with their oldest kids.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30It's thanks to me that he knows he's got healthy sperm.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Well, I think I'll be jumping to the top of the favourite kid list
0:00:33 > 0:00:35when he gets a load of my present.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38It even plays a personalised message.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41'Happy birthday, Dad. I hope you have a...'
0:00:41 > 0:00:44- BANGING - 'Fuck. Shit. Oh, shit!'
0:00:44 > 0:00:46I spilt some soup on it when I was recording the message
0:00:46 > 0:00:48and I can't figure out how to delete it.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51I think my status as favourite kid is safe for now.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52Now come on.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56Help me find some junk in here that I can pass off as a thoughtful gift.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14I'm not taking business calls, I'm trying to enjoy my fucking birthday.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18- Hey, Dad.- Hi, how are you two? How's work?- Good.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20I've managed to get around the internet filter at my office,
0:01:20 > 0:01:23so I can watch clips with full frontal in them at my desk.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25And what about you, Dan?
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Are you still spending your days trying to...
0:01:27 > 0:01:29What was it, invent a new egg?
0:01:29 > 0:01:33No, it was a new way of cooking eggs instead of frying or poaching.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37But after I got salmonella for the fourth time, I just sort of gave up.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38That's my boy.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Hey, I got you a present.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42Superglue?
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Yes, because you are the glue in our lives.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46And you are super at it.
0:01:46 > 0:01:51That's great, I'll pop it next to the triple-A batteries you got me for my 50th.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Don't worry, Dad. My present is a lot less shitty than Hannah's.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57It's a bespoke, stuffed bear.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- Complete with a personalised... - PHONE RINGS
0:02:00 > 0:02:03How many times do I have to say, I am busy?
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Seriously, I am this close to getting the words,
0:02:05 > 0:02:07"Leave me the fuck alone" embroidered on a pillow
0:02:07 > 0:02:09and coming round there and smothering you with it!
0:02:09 > 0:02:13See what I mean? He is definitely more chilled out than usual.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Whoa, there's like two pigs' worth of cocktail sausages here.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Dad's really gone all out with this soiree.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Yeah, and look how many of Dad's friends and family are here.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28He hates his friends and family.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30I don't like this. Something's up.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32God, you're really suspicious.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Seriously, you look like a chimp that's just been given a snow globe.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37CLINKING OF GLASS
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Excuse me, everyone. If I could have your attention, please.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41I don't want to break up the festivities,
0:02:41 > 0:02:46but there are a couple of people I'd like you to meet. Beverley, Lily.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Now, Beverley and I met five months ago.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52I was on my way to Clacton to do some business,
0:02:52 > 0:02:54so as you can imagine I was on the verge of self-harming.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56LAUGHTER
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Fortunately, I was sat next to this angel, and...
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Well, three hours later I was smitten.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06And last week when I asked her to marry me...
0:03:06 > 0:03:08ALL: Ooh!
0:03:08 > 0:03:09She said yes.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Lucky bastard!
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Dan, why are you laughing? Did you hear what Dad just said?
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Yeah, he's getting married.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Exactly. This is massive news and he just casually springs it on us
0:03:22 > 0:03:24like he's saying he needs to go pee or something.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26I don't care, I'm happy for him.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27I hope my second wife is that hot.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Dad, could I have a word?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Here we go.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40All right. Come on, let's hear it, Hannah.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41No, no, no. I just...
0:03:41 > 0:03:44I just want to say congratulations on your engagement.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Really?
0:03:46 > 0:03:47I also wondered if you were planning
0:03:47 > 0:03:50on dropping any other bombshells today?
0:03:50 > 0:03:52You're moving to Burundi? You got me and Dan from an orphanage?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55This house is actually made of fucking naan bread?
0:03:55 > 0:03:56OK, maybe a wee bit dramatic.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Dad, who is this woman?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01How do we know she doesn't go looking for sad old men
0:04:01 > 0:04:03that she can marry and turn into a pair of gloves?
0:04:03 > 0:04:04And she's got a kid as well?
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Do you really want to get mixed up with some loose, single mother?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Well, firstly, Beverley is a human rights lawyer.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14And secondly, you do have a slightly annoying habit of ruining shit.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16God, I'm so offended.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Basically, Beverley's the first good thing to happen to me
0:04:18 > 0:04:22since Mad Cow Disease ended and I was able to eat red meat again.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26I didn't want anything, or anyone, harpooning it.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Lily, right? I'm Dan.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Gregg's my dad.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43So I guess he's your dad now too.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45I guess so.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49Well, I just wanted say that I'm really excited about
0:04:49 > 0:04:51getting to do all the cool big bro stuff.
0:04:51 > 0:04:56Like giving advice, recommending music,
0:04:56 > 0:04:57hooking you up with the old...
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Also, I wanted to give you this.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06I got it for my dad, but I think you should have it.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08- Thank you.- No problem.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12'Happy birthday, Dad. I hope you have a...'
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- BANGING - 'Fuck. Shit. Oh, shit!'
0:05:15 > 0:05:16Enjoy.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Hi, Beverley.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Hey, I'm Hannah, Gregg's daughter.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Oh, yes. Hi, nice to finally meet you.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Listen, I don't know what my dad has said about me to you,
0:05:34 > 0:05:37but I just wanted to say that I'm really happy for you guys.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38Thanks, Hannah.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41And, sorry about all this secrecy, but your dad insisted.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43He can be pretty stubborn.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47Oh, yeah. He's just a dick sometimes.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51Look at us connecting like this. God, it's exhilarating, isn't it?
0:05:51 > 0:05:55Hey, what do you say we try and kick this bonding sesh into overdrive?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57I'm going to go grab us a plate of cocktail sausages
0:05:57 > 0:05:59and you're telling me everything.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Daddio! Great news!
0:06:03 > 0:06:05You made any plans for the stag do yet?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07I could score us a Groupon to Euro Disney.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10- Thanks, son, but we haven't even set a date yet.- Really?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Yeah, well, Beverley's got a fuckload of cases,
0:06:13 > 0:06:15and I am swimming through a sewer of work shit.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19I tell you, running your own company's like being shafted
0:06:19 > 0:06:21with a dildo made of migraines.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24God, I'm not looking forward to that when I take over.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25What are you talking about?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27You know, when you...
0:06:27 > 0:06:28(die...)
0:06:28 > 0:06:31and I inherit the company. I mean, it is a family business.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34It's not a family business. It's my business.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35You're not taking over shit.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37But I assumed I'd get it eventually.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39You're the Queen, I'm Prince Charles -
0:06:39 > 0:06:42hanging back, growing veg, waiting for you to pop it.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Dan, do you even know what my company does?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Yeah, you make phone boxes.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48- I develop property.- Really?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Look, Dan, no offence, but I'm more likely to hand off
0:06:51 > 0:06:54my company to one of my Boxing Day dumps.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Dad, that's not fair!
0:06:57 > 0:06:58Come on, I'm your son.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Shouldn't I at least get a chance to, like, prove myself?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- HE SIGHS - All right, how about this?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Come and work with me for a week, and we'll see
0:07:07 > 0:07:09if my company's still standing at the end of that.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10Right, and then I get to run it?
0:07:10 > 0:07:14Absolutely not. But maybe I can find a job for you somewhere.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16- Sweet.- You've got to take this seriously.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18I want you in the office first thing Monday.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Sure thing.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23And just to check, there's absolutely no chance
0:07:23 > 0:07:26that first thing means 12.30, one-ish, is there?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30So right now, we're defending this Congolese drum band who have
0:07:30 > 0:07:32been jailed for their anti-government songs.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36I mean, the music's unlistenable but the message is so powerful.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Wow. Of all the women my dad's gone out with,
0:07:38 > 0:07:40you are definitely the most impressive.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44I mean, his last girlfriend worked the night shift at a 24-hour tanning salon.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Well, I love what I do. Although it can be tough juggling things.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50Like, Lily's nanny's off next week. I still haven't found any cover and I've got a...
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Uh, yes, you have, because you're looking at your cover right now.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Just call me the human tarpaulin.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Really? I can't ask you to do that.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Beverley, I insist.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00I mean, that's what family's for, right?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Oh, thank you. You are a life-saver!
0:08:03 > 0:08:06All right, Beverley, I see you've met Hannah.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08She hasn't drawn blood yet, has she?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10No, we've had a lovely chat, actually.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12She's offered to help look after Lily next week.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- Why? What are you up to, Hannah? - Nothing.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19I'm just being the nice, generous person I always am.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22You know, the kind of person who doesn't ruin shit.
0:08:24 > 0:08:30Beverley, I know we just met but is it cool if I start calling you Mum?
0:08:39 > 0:08:43Sorry I'm late, Dad. I had to stop off and buy this briefcase.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Well, you're here now.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47I guess that's a minor victory in itself.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50So what's the deal?
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Are we sharing this office or am I going to get my own?
0:08:53 > 0:08:54Because I'm cool with sharing.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56You're not getting a fucking office.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59I thought I might send you out with the construction lads.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01What? But I thought you were grooming me to take over?
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Dan, when I started this company, I was the same age that you are now.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06And I did it myself,
0:09:06 > 0:09:09through hard graft and fistfuls of anti-depressants.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12The whole point of this week is for you to prove that
0:09:12 > 0:09:14you've an ounce of work ethic about you.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Trust me. You can't just sit around
0:09:16 > 0:09:19and expect good things to be handed to you.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- KNOCK ON DOOR - Here's the hot cocoa you asked for.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36- Hi, Hannah.- Sorry I'm late.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39I didn't want to have to make small talk with the other parents, you know?
0:09:39 > 0:09:43- How was school?- It was good. Did you bring any snacks?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45My nanny normally brings a bag of carrot sticks.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Carrot sticks? That's not a snack.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49You're an eight-year-old, not a seaside donkey.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Lily, you forgot your coat.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52Thank you, Mr Foley.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54You're just lucky it's not my size,
0:09:54 > 0:09:56otherwise I would have kept it for myself.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57I'll see you tomorrow.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02- Who was that? - That's my teacher, Mr Foley.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05He's cute. You're lucky. My Year 4 teacher was Mrs Drury.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09She was like 85 and kept shooting up in class because she was diabetic.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Which reminds me, let's go get you some sugar!
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Hannah, I'm stuck with some of my maths homework. Can you help?
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Yeah, sure thing.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Oh, these are all really easy.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33Isn't that cheating?
0:10:33 > 0:10:37OK, Lily, I'm going to teach you a proper lesson.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Why do you think people cheat?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Um...because they're bad?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Wrong. Because it's easy and it works.
0:10:44 > 0:10:49Trust me, I'd rather be Lance Armstrong than some random loser in a hi-vis jacket.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50OK.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56Done! See, we've got the whole evening just to have fun.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00- How about we make Rice Krispie squares?- Yes, please.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02OK. So the baking tray is just under the sink.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05It's just next to the bleach.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Hey, feet off furniture.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17I'm trying to sell this place.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Dad, it's not my fault I'm bored. You won't let me do anything.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23That's because you've fucked up every job I've given you so far.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26You broke eight mugs doing the washing up in the office.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27The soap in there is very watery.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Well, look, I've got four people coming to view this house today.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32I'd quite like to shift it.
0:11:32 > 0:11:33Maybe you should just go home.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36No, Dad. You asked me to prove myself to you
0:11:36 > 0:11:38and I am not giving up until I do.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41I haven't even got to use my briefcase yet.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43What have you even got in there?
0:11:43 > 0:11:47Yesterday's paper, Mr Potato Head and three bags of Haribo.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Lily said you wanted to talk to me?
0:11:53 > 0:11:57Yes, I just wanted a quick chat. In private, actually.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Lily, why don't you go wait in the reading corner?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04What's up?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06It's about Lily's homework.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08I asked the kids to write a paragraph on the pyramids,
0:12:08 > 0:12:11but Lily handed in a 30-page Word document?
0:12:11 > 0:12:14What can I say, she's a thorough student.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16It was the full Wikipedia article on Ancient Egypt.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19And, you know, this has been going on all week. And I just thought,
0:12:19 > 0:12:21maybe you and I could get together, have a chat.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Seeing as you're Lily's nanny and...
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Whoa. OK, OK. Firstly, I am not a nanny, OK?
0:12:26 > 0:12:30And secondly, who gives a shit?
0:12:30 > 0:12:31Sorry?
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Come on, she's eight. She doesn't need to know about the pyramids.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35And I don't need to get lectured
0:12:35 > 0:12:38by some jumped-up primary school teacher.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Why don't you go and take one of your bloody 3,000 holiday weeks and chill out?
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Oh, wow. That really didn't go how I'd planned it in my head.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46What do you mean?
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Well, I don't really care that much about the homework, either.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52- What?- It's like you said, they're eight.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55As long as they know not to lick plug sockets, I've done my job.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56Why did you ask to see me, then?
0:12:56 > 0:13:00I don't know. I was going to maybe try and ask for your number.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Oh, really?
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Well, you could have just asked, instead of going around the houses.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Sorry. Sometimes I just get a bit flustered around pretty girls
0:13:10 > 0:13:13and, you know, end up doing stupid stuff.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Well, judging by how dumb that was,
0:13:14 > 0:13:17you must think I'm the hottest girl in the world.
0:13:21 > 0:13:22Oh...
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Give me a call sometime.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Aren't you forgetting something?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Oh. Uh.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44I, uh, I meant Lily.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Oh, shit, Lily.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Come on. Come on, Lils.
0:13:50 > 0:13:51- Bloody kids, eh?- Oh.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- Bye, Mr Foley. - Yes, good to see...
0:13:54 > 0:13:56All the windows are double-glazed.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59A marching band could be getting pecked to death by a flock of geese
0:13:59 > 0:14:03- and you wouldn't hear a peep. - PHONE RINGS
0:14:03 > 0:14:05What?
0:14:05 > 0:14:07I'm so sorry, I'm going to have to take this.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Check out those curtains. 20% real silk.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16You guys should go for this place.
0:14:16 > 0:14:17Excuse me?
0:14:17 > 0:14:21I was just saying, I think this place would be a great fit for you two.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24I mean, it's got everything - brand-new kitchen, awesome shower.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Plus, you could do anything with that spare room.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30Home office, guest room, ball pit.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32And, you know, this is a great area to start a family.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35I mean, I assume you're both fertile.
0:14:35 > 0:14:40Also, I heard that Gwyneth Paltrow used to live here.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Sorry about that, folks. Everything all right?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Um, good.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51I think we're maybe going to make an offer.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Well, that's fucking brilliant news.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56Yeah, your son pushed us over the edge.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- Let's just check out the spare room again.- Yeah.
0:15:02 > 0:15:03What the hell did you do?
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Nothing, I just chatted to them. I guess they liked what I had to say.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Nice one.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11And if they start asking about Gwyneth Paltrow, just play along.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15DOORBELL RINGS
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Hannah, I'm sorry I'm so late, I got held up at the office.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22That's OK. Lily's actually having a nap.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25I let her paint my nails and I think the paint fumes made her a bit drowsy.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28OK, well, I'll go grab her and we'll get out of your hair.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Oh, but first, I do have one slightly big favour to ask.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34You're not going to ask for a kidney, are you?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36That's why you're marrying my dad, isn't it? I fucking knew it.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38No, it's Lily.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40She's meant to be having a sleepover this Friday
0:15:40 > 0:15:43and now I think I'm going to have to pull an all-nighter that evening,
0:15:43 > 0:15:44and I just wondered if maybe...
0:15:44 > 0:15:46you might fill in?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Chaperone a sleepover?
0:15:48 > 0:15:51I don't know, Bev, I mean, I agreed to baby-sit - for free,
0:15:51 > 0:15:53bear in mind - but that does seem like a bit much.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56- No, that's all right. Maybe Gregg was right.- Right about what?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Oh, no. He just said that you're only helping out
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- whilst it suited you and that you'd get bored.- Mm-hm.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04He said that? Well, you know what? I will chaperone that sleepover.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06- You will?- Yeah. And you can tell my dad he's a dickwad
0:16:06 > 0:16:09- and he doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does.- OK.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Although he did predict that's exactly how you'd react.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14He even wrote it down.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Wow, that is verbatim.
0:16:20 > 0:16:21He even got dickwad.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27There you go, son. You've earned it.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28Cheers, Dad.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33And you know, for the sales commission I was thinking 25%,
0:16:33 > 0:16:35but I'm happy to negotiate.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Yeah, all right, calm down. You've had one good day.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41But maybe I was a bit quick calling you utterly fucking useless.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Thanks, Dad. So you're going to let me take over the company?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46No chance. But, I was thinking,
0:16:46 > 0:16:49I'm meant to be taking one of my big timber suppliers, Mr Yakamoto,
0:16:49 > 0:16:51out on one of those corporate golf days.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52OK, sounds fun.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Well, it would be if he wasn't such a fucking supreme bellend.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- But I thought you might like to come with.- Really?
0:16:58 > 0:17:00You can be like my social Teflon vest -
0:17:00 > 0:17:02save me from all the bullets of crap he shoots out.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Dad, I would love that more than anything in the world.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07I feel like we should hug.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09No, no, no. We don't need to hug.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13Look at us hugging, like a couple of real businessmen.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Whoa, careful.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Sorry. Just playing 18 rounds of golf today with Dad and a business associate.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Seriously?
0:17:29 > 0:17:30I don't mean to brag
0:17:30 > 0:17:33but I think I might have taken your place as kid number one.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35You know I sold a house, right?
0:17:35 > 0:17:36That is so unfair.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38You and Dad get to go and play golf, and I have to stay in
0:17:38 > 0:17:41and look after a bunch of dumb kids. What is this, the '50s?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43What are you talking about?
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Lily and her friends are having a sleepover and I agreed to chaperone.
0:17:46 > 0:17:47Why?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Because I'm a fucking idiot, and I wanted to prove to Dad I'm not a
0:17:50 > 0:17:54social wrecking ball, but this whole thing's just turned into a drag.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56I'll be honest, normally when I do things out of spite
0:17:56 > 0:17:58it's a lot more fun than this.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Well, I'm sure Dad will really appreciate it.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04And I say that as both his colleague and his favourite child.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07I hope you get hit in the head with a four iron.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Sorry I'm late, Dad!
0:18:14 > 0:18:16I had to stop off and buy this visor.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Nah, you're all right. We're still waiting to tee off.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22These twats are fucking taking the piss.
0:18:22 > 0:18:23Oi, Tiger Woods!
0:18:23 > 0:18:28Stop fiddling with your fanny and get on with it. Wankers.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Dan, this is my timber supplier, Mr Yakamoto.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Please, Mr Yakamoto is my dad's name.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36- You can call me Clive.- OK.
0:18:36 > 0:18:37Oi!
0:18:37 > 0:18:39(That's Mr Yakamoto? Why is he...?)
0:18:39 > 0:18:41- Oh, don't ask.- Move yourself!
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Today's all about smiling and keeping this prick happy.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Think of it as like a colonoscopy - it's going to feel
0:18:46 > 0:18:50a bit dirty while it's happening, but in the long run it's worth it.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52'Ave it!
0:18:52 > 0:18:57And as the rain fell, the car finally stopped to help,
0:18:57 > 0:19:00and she climbed inside.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02But this was no friendly stranger,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05this was the Zodiac Killer!
0:19:05 > 0:19:08THEY SCREAM
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Hannah, your ghost stories are too scary.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Well, technically it's not a ghost story.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13The Zodiac Killer was a real guy.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Fun fact - he never even got caught.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17Can we please do something else?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Oh, fine.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22How about a pillow fight?
0:19:22 > 0:19:24I don't think we should. Amelia has asthma.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Come on, sleepovers are supposed to be wild.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31The craziest thing we've done so far is eat unwashed fruit.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33You didn't wash the fruit?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35PHONE RINGS
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Hello?
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Hey, Hannah, it's Axel.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40Who?
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Mr Foley. Lily's teacher.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Oh, hey! Wait, your name's Axel Foley?
0:19:45 > 0:19:50Yeah, I was conceived the night my parents saw Beverly Hills Cop II.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54Anyway, I was just calling to see if maybe you wanted to hang out?
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Ah, I would be up for that but I'm actually kind of busy tonight.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Hannah, Hannah, Amelia has something stuck in her nose
0:19:59 > 0:20:01and she needs you to pick it out.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04On second thoughts, do you want to maybe swing by my place?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06I'm sure I can shift a few things around.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Oi, if this goes in the bunker,
0:20:13 > 0:20:16I get to shove my club right up your arse!
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Ha! Is that a promise?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23PHONE RINGS
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Yeah?
0:20:26 > 0:20:27What, now?
0:20:27 > 0:20:29No, no, no. I'll be right there.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Clive, I'm afraid we're going to have to call it a day.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Got these squatters that are finally getting what's been coming to them.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36I need to get over there ASAP.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38You're fucking kidding?
0:20:38 > 0:20:41You can't get my juices going and then piss off in the middle.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43You're me business mate, not me missus.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Dad, you go and I'll stay here with Mr Yakamoto.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Wicked. Fucking problem solved.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Dan, quick word.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Don't worry, Dad. I've got this.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56Me and him get on great.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59I mean, he's an awful person but I don't mind.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04OK, look. Here's the company credit card, all right? Finish this round,
0:21:04 > 0:21:07then go up to the clubhouse, buy him drink, food, whatever.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11He'll tire himself out, then pop him in the back of a cab.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Right, Dan? I'm trusting you
0:21:14 > 0:21:15I'll make you proud.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- Maybe we should hug again. - Yeah, get to fuck.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24How come we have to go to bed now?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26We haven't even had dinner yet.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29It's a sleepover. Sleeping's the most fun part.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Listen, I'll bring you all some pizza in a little bit.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34We can't have pizza, Amelia's allergic to gluten.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Seriously, you need to just cut her out of your friendship group.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Hannah! You're making the sleepover rubbish.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42OK, I've got an idea. How about we play a game?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44- ALL:- Yeah!
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Yeah? It's called Gas Leak.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- Do you want to play that?- Yeah.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52OK. All you have to do is lie down and be quiet for as long as possible.
0:21:52 > 0:21:57And whoever lasts the longest wins a super-secret special prize.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59OK, go.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04No cheating.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13DOORBELL RINGS
0:22:26 > 0:22:28- Hi.- Hi.- Come in.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Welcome to my abode.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Wow, this is a nice place.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35What's with all the shoes?
0:22:35 > 0:22:36Oh, those?
0:22:36 > 0:22:40I make and sell children's shoes.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43It's more of a hobby than anything, really.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46- Thank you. Shall we?- Yeah.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50So, I wake up, I'm still off me nut, I look to the left.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53I'm only fucking handcuffed to the rabbi!
0:22:53 > 0:22:55That's brilliant!
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Oi, darling,
0:22:57 > 0:23:01let me have two more of these and another plate of the calamari. You want anything, Dan?
0:23:01 > 0:23:05No, I'm stuffed. I barely finished my third steak.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07- Could we get the bill, please?- Yeah.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Want a snifter?
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Nah, I'm good.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17So, Clive, can I ask you a question?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Why is your surname Yakamoto?
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Oh, I was adopted by a couple of Japs, basically.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Fucking love 'em to bits.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Every single day, all I try and do is respect my father's honour.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29I've got the same thing with my dad.
0:23:29 > 0:23:33I'm trying to convince him I could run the company one day.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36You know what we should do for dessert? We should get some girls.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Girls?
0:23:38 > 0:23:40You know, like escorts.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Couple of businessmen, away from their families.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Let's get into some trouble.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Oh, maybe.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47Or we could just...
0:23:47 > 0:23:49not?
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Come on, geez, you're meant to be showing me a good time.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Don't slam the handbrake on now.
0:23:55 > 0:23:56Mm?
0:23:58 > 0:24:01THEY CHUCKLE
0:24:01 > 0:24:03So being a primary school teacher must be a pretty sweet gig?
0:24:03 > 0:24:07You get to mould young people's minds and you clock off at 3.15.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Yeah. Although it is sort of a stopgap for me.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13I actually kind of want to be a novelist.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15A novelist? Like James Franco?
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Yeah. I mean, I haven't written anything yet.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22Right now, I'm sort of just waiting for inspiration, you know?
0:24:22 > 0:24:25A road trip through Europe, a family tragedy...
0:24:26 > 0:24:30..a love affair with a hot girl.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Well, maybe we can figure out a chapter or two tonight.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39BANGING
0:24:39 > 0:24:43Uh, did you hear that noise?
0:24:43 > 0:24:47Oh, it must just be a house noise. You know, old pipes or something.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Uh.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53I'll go check it out.
0:24:53 > 0:24:54Sit tight.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58CHILDREN SHOUTING
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Guys, what happened?
0:25:08 > 0:25:10I guess none of you won that super-secret special prize.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Hannah, we're starving!
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Look, just sit tight for just a couple more hours,
0:25:14 > 0:25:17and then we can all have a yummy midnight snack.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20No! Let us go or I'm going to tell my mum that you locked us up and starved us.
0:25:22 > 0:25:23Uh, OK, fine, let's go.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27God, kids today are all so spoilt they can't go one night without dinner.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Glad you're back.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31THEY SCREAM
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Oh, my God.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35- (Mr Foley.- Did you see that?)
0:25:35 > 0:25:38OK, come on.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Wha...?
0:25:41 > 0:25:44That really didn't go how I planned it in my head.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50This'll do.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52I'm cold. Are you guys cold?
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Maybe we should head back inside.
0:25:54 > 0:25:55Just relax, Dan. No-one can see us.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Still, I think the club might have some pretty strict rules
0:25:58 > 0:26:00on being on the course after hours.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02And, you know, sex workers.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Don't worry, we're just going to hop down into that bunker, nice and quick.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07It'll be like doing it on a tiny beach!
0:26:11 > 0:26:14PHONE RINGS
0:26:14 > 0:26:16All right, son? How's it all going?
0:26:16 > 0:26:20Oh, great. Yeah, just keeping Mr Yakamoto happy, like you said.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- MOANING - Oh, brilliant.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25And you know, well done for today.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27You stepped up and you did a good job.
0:26:27 > 0:26:28I'm...proud of you.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32- Thanks, Dad. That means a lot. - Oi, what you doing?
0:26:32 > 0:26:34But, also, I have to go.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Mr Yakamoto, there's someone coming!
0:26:40 > 0:26:42ENGINE SPLUTTERS
0:26:45 > 0:26:47- Drive, Dan! Drive. - I'm trying, it won't start.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Come on, I've got 10 grams of coke on me.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53I cannot get pinched for this. That'd be fucking most dishonourable.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56I've got to get out of here!
0:26:57 > 0:27:02Mr Yakamoto! Mr Yakamoto!
0:27:02 > 0:27:04What about your father's honour!
0:27:06 > 0:27:10You spent £600 on dinner, £3,000 on a prostitute,
0:27:10 > 0:27:12now Mr Yakamoto - my biggest timber supplier -
0:27:12 > 0:27:14is missing, presumed dead.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18In my defence, he was having a great night, right until the end.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21From now on, I want you as far away from my business as possible.
0:27:21 > 0:27:22It's the sun, you are Pluto.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25So far away you're not even a fucking planet any more!
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Oh, looks like I'm the favourite kid again.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30- I don't know what the fuck you're grinning about.- What do you mean?
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Thanks to you, Beverley is furious with me
0:27:33 > 0:27:35and I've had to explain to a bunch of very upset parents
0:27:35 > 0:27:38why their daughters all saw their teacher's erect fucking cock!
0:27:38 > 0:27:40You didn't tell me it was erect.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44- Oh, yeah, it was fucking crazy. I was like...- Shut the fuck up!
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Now, I don't want to see either of you for at least six months.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Is that fucking clear?
0:27:55 > 0:27:57I reckon I'm still his favourite.