0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains strong language.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07I can't believe Jack's getting married! I'm so excited.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Look, my hands are shaking. Hannah?
0:00:09 > 0:00:12Stop it. Why'd you make us get here so early?
0:00:12 > 0:00:15I hate being the first person to arrive, it's pathetic.
0:00:15 > 0:00:16I didn't want to be late.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19One of my best friends is tying the knot - this is a big day for me.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21I even made my own confetti out of loo roll.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24I'm pretty sure the invite didn't say "bring your own gross confetti".
0:00:24 > 0:00:26I was so pumped last night I couldn't get to sleep,
0:00:26 > 0:00:28figured I might as well do something useful.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30I can't believe you buy into this whole matrimony shtick.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33- I mean, weddings are dumb. - What? You don't like weddings?
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Next, you're going to be saying you don't like pictures of dogs with sunglasses,
0:00:37 > 0:00:38because they're "too hilarious"?
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Weddings are just archaic bullshit parades, Dan.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I'm not into them for the same reason
0:00:42 > 0:00:45I don't die from minor infections - it's not 1853.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Why did you agree to be my plus-one, then?
0:00:47 > 0:00:49I'm not going to turn down a free meal, am I?
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Besides, let's check out this fucking fancy pants mansion.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54It's like something from a Jane Austen wet dream.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56How the hell can Jack afford to hire this place?
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Isn't he like, a dodgy estate agent or something?
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Yeah, he is, but this belongs to the girl he's going to marry.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04- Seriously?- Apparently, she's super posh.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Technically, her family still owns quite a lot of India.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08No shit?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10How long till this thing starts, then?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13- I don't know, like, three hours? - Three hours?!
0:01:13 > 0:01:15At least that gives me plenty of snooping time.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Look, Hannah - I love a snoop as much as next guy -
0:01:18 > 0:01:20I'm the Snoopmaster General.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23But today is a massive day, so maybe we should, you know...
0:01:23 > 0:01:26like, try not to fuck around?
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Relax, Dan. I just want to take a peek behind the curtain -
0:01:29 > 0:01:31see how these Downton wannabes really live.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Who knows, maybe I'll find a chunk of ivory lying around?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Yeah, that'd be great!
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Sheriff, how do you do this again?
0:01:50 > 0:01:52It looks like someone tried to fucking choke me,
0:01:52 > 0:01:53- got bored halfway through. - KNOCKS AT DOOR
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Open up, it's the cops! You're both under arrest for...
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- baby arson! - LAUGHTER
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Look who it is!
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Danny boy!
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Don't worry, there are no police. I was just doing a low voice.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Sorry, I'm super early, I hope that's cool.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13- Course, mate! It's good to see you! - We missed you on the stag do, Danny.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Seriously, Thailand is such a beautiful country -
0:02:15 > 0:02:18and not just the sex workers, like the actual scenery and stuff, too.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20I can't believe they didn't let me travel
0:02:20 > 0:02:22just because I didn't have a passport.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24I showed them my Boots Advantage Card and everything.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Mate, it was fucking brilliant.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29George and Winzor tried to get hold of these special Asian poppers -
0:02:29 > 0:02:30got into a ruck with the dealer
0:02:30 > 0:02:32and now they're only fucking stuck in a Bangkok prison!
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Yeah, yeah, yeah - the dude at the embassy says
0:02:35 > 0:02:37there's like a 30% chance they'll get the death penalty!
0:02:37 > 0:02:39- LAUGHTER - Classic stag!
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Ophelia, where are you running off to? Come here a sec...
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Jacky, no - it's bad luck for us to see each other before the wedding.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Don't be daft, babe, that's bollocks.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49There's someone I want you to meet.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Ophelia, this is Dan. Danny, this is Ophelia - my future missus.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Hi, Jack's told me a lot about you. Is it true you once tried
0:02:55 > 0:02:57to eat a whole bag of polystyrene peanuts as a dare?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00I had to have my stomach pumped three and a half times -
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- they said it was a hospital record. - Legend of the Dan!
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Jack, Jack, Jack, tell him how you two met.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07She was looking for a flat, so I gave her a viewing -
0:03:07 > 0:03:08by the time we got into the kitchen,
0:03:08 > 0:03:10we couldn't keep our paws off each other.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Honestly, the shit we did in there -
0:03:12 > 0:03:14we must have knocked ten grand off the asking price.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16I'm not sure how I feel about you telling people
0:03:16 > 0:03:19that our relationship started with us shagging on a breakfast nook.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22It's a sweet story! We'll be telling our grandkids that one day.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25You better wait until they're 18 - I've still got a hard-on from the last time I heard it.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Right, babe, we'll get out of your hair, let you get ready.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30OK, bye. Ooh!
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Let's give Danny a tour of the grounds.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I can show you the room where her great-granddad
0:03:35 > 0:03:38used to play charades with Kaiser Wilhelm.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:03:46 > 0:03:51Well, hello - looks like Little Miss Snoopy just hit the jackpot.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Wow...
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- May I help you? - I'm just here for the wedding.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12I thought I'd check out this sweet ride while I waited for it to start.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- Do you know whose it is?- It's a wedding present for my daughter.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Fucking hell, you got her a Mercedes?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19I thought I was spoilt when my dad got Daniel Radcliffe
0:04:19 > 0:04:20to come to my 12th birthday party.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23I mean, it turned out he just hired a lookalike.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25This guy was almost 35, but he had this weird hormone disease
0:04:25 > 0:04:27that made him look super young.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30As much as I'd love to continue with this blistering conversation,
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- perhaps you wouldn't mind heading back to the house.- Oh, yeah, sure.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Actually, could you get a pic of me behind the wheel?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37- I'm sorry? - I'll whack it up on Instagram,
0:04:37 > 0:04:40pretend I've got cast in a Bond film or something.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Oh, God - where is my phone?
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Can you maybe ring me and then I...
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Will you please get the hell out of my daughter's car? Now!
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Whoa, chill out!
0:04:53 > 0:04:55I thought this was supposed to be a special day.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Excuse me for trying to capture a memory.
0:05:01 > 0:05:06Next stop on the tour, ladies and gentleman, is the hunting lodge.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Mate, you have seriously come up trumps with this girl -
0:05:08 > 0:05:10it's like she was born with a silver spoon
0:05:10 > 0:05:12sticking out of every fucking orifice.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15You know what, I'd love her even if she lived in an old pizza box.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Honestly, I've never known anything like it.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Before I met Ophelia, the most serious relationship I'd ever had
0:05:20 > 0:05:23was with the Japanese sex doll Sheriff got me for my 18th.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26I'm so happy for you, Jack.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Oi, Danny, Danny, come here a sec...
0:05:31 > 0:05:34What are you doing?
0:05:34 > 0:05:35I'm going to try and shoot it off...
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- LAUGHTER - Oh, fucking brilliant!
0:05:39 > 0:05:41What, really? What if you miss?
0:05:41 > 0:05:44This is my only suit, I don't really want to get any blood on it...
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Mate, mate, don't worry about it, I've got a wicked aim.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49We went on a hunt last week, I nearly shot a grouse.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Come on, Danny boy - it's my wedding day. Think of it as my present.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55I mean, I got you an egg poacher off the wedding list...
0:05:57 > 0:05:59OK.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Ready, lads? Ready. Three...
0:06:03 > 0:06:04two...
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Oh, shit!
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Did you shoot me? Am I dead?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13I think I've got another fucking kidney stone.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16What, again? I told you, you've got to drink loads of water.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19And I told you, I'm not a fucking horse...
0:06:19 > 0:06:20Aargh! Seriously, mate,
0:06:20 > 0:06:23I'm going to have to get down fucking A & E, quick-sharpish...
0:06:23 > 0:06:24You can't leave!
0:06:24 > 0:06:27I've already lost two of my groomsmen to the Thai penal system.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29I can't lose my best man as well!
0:06:29 > 0:06:30- Jack, I'll do it.- What?
0:06:30 > 0:06:34I'll take over from Sheriff. I know how much this day means to you.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35I'd do anything to help.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37You're like a little big brother to me.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39- You'd be my best man?- Hell, yeah.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41And I promise you, I'm going to make the best best man
0:06:41 > 0:06:45that ever best manned in the history of man.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47This is really lovely and that, lads -
0:06:47 > 0:06:49but I'm about to piss out an angry pebble here.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Can I get a little help?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Ooh.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Could I maybe borrow one of those?
0:07:00 > 0:07:03I don't see why not.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06I don't normally smoke, but I've got this rule that I'm allowed to
0:07:06 > 0:07:08whenever I'm more than 20 miles from home.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10And on weekends and weeknights.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- So, you're here for the wedding, then?- Unfortunately.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19My sister's the lucky lady taking the plunge.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Oh, shit. I think I just met your dad.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23No offence, but he's kind of a dick -
0:07:23 > 0:07:26he read me the riot act just for trying to take a picture.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29That sounds like Charles - he's quite the killjoy.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32He's been in a foul mood since he got thrown off his horse.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Rest assured, the beast was dealt with.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41- What?- Sorry, it's just your face looks really familiar.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Did you use to teach a hot yoga workshop at the YMCA?
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Believe me, I have never set foot in a YMCA.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Hello, missy. You're not ready yet?
0:07:51 > 0:07:54What's the matter? The girl's not getting cold feet, is she?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56No, Sebastian, the girl is not...
0:07:56 > 0:07:57I just wanted to find you...
0:07:57 > 0:08:00and tell you that your Bristol pals called to say they'll be late.
0:08:00 > 0:08:05Did you go to Bristol? Me too! I definitely recognise you.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- Is this a friend of yours, Sebby? - Oh, no. She's one of the caterers.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10What the hell? I'm not a caterer?!
0:08:10 > 0:08:13I just thought, because of your dress...
0:08:13 > 0:08:14Excuse me?!
0:08:14 > 0:08:18I'm sorry, you'll have to excuse my brother - he can be a tad tactless.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Please enjoy the day. Come on, Seb.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24God!
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Best man, nice to meet you.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28I'm the best man. Nice to meet you. I'm the best man.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Uncle James!
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Hannah, great news -
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- Sheriff's at hospital. - What did you do?- Nothing.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39He had a hernia or something, so he had to go to A & E -
0:08:39 > 0:08:42and Jack made me his best man!
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Well, your first job should be to tell him he's making a big mistake.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Sorry, Hannah, I have my hands full with best man shit right now -
0:08:49 > 0:08:51I do not have time for more anti-marriage stuff.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54No, seriously - he's getting himself tied up
0:08:54 > 0:08:56with a bunch of sour, posho twats.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Firstly, the dad tells me off,
0:08:57 > 0:09:00like I'm some naughty Jack Russell or something.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02- And then the brother verbally assaulted me.- Oh, my God, really?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05He called me a caterer, but that's still a dick-move, right?
0:09:05 > 0:09:09I mean, he didn't even apologise for embarrassing me.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Shit...
0:09:10 > 0:09:13I just remembered where I know Sebastian from.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16- He was in The Dionysus Club. - What are you talking about?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18It was this posh drinking society at uni.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22In freshers' week, they invited me to this "exclusive" house party.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25I got all dolled up - new dress, haircut, the whole deal.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27But when I got there, they showed me into the garden
0:09:27 > 0:09:29and locked the door behind me.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32I turned around and all the guests were leaning out of the windows,
0:09:32 > 0:09:34- holding balloons. - Sounds like a great party.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36The balloons were filled with whipped cream, Dan -
0:09:36 > 0:09:38and I got hit with every single one of them.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Turns out I was just a stooge for some sick club ritual.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45My freshers' week was ruined and for the rest of my time at uni,
0:09:45 > 0:09:47I was known as...
0:09:47 > 0:09:49the Cream Hog.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52You said people called you that because you loved frappuccinos.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53I can't believe he didn't remember me.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Right, I'm going to go find that upper-crust prick
0:09:56 > 0:09:59and I'm going to give him a friendly little history lesson.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01- And by friendly, I mean... - I know what you mean.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Wait for me, best man coming through!
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Could I have everyone's attention, please?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15My name is Dan French -
0:10:15 > 0:10:18I am one of Jack's closest friends
0:10:18 > 0:10:21and as of 20 minutes ago, the best man!
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Hey, why don't we liven things up a bit?
0:10:26 > 0:10:30Get this atmosphere popping. I mean, it's a celebration, right?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33When I say "Awesome", you say "Wedding". Awesome...!
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Awesome!
0:10:37 > 0:10:39I can't hear you! Awesome...
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Could you please stop yelling the word "awesome"?
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Apologies, ladies and gentlemen.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52- The ceremony will be starting shortly...- The ceremony will be starting shortly...
0:10:52 > 0:10:56BOTH: So, if you would care to make your way towards the East Parlour...
0:11:01 > 0:11:03- Guests of the bride...- Guests of the bride...
0:11:03 > 0:11:05BOTH: ..will be seated on the left
0:11:05 > 0:11:07and those of the groom will be on the right.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Let's have a good wedding, yeah? Any questions, come to me.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Any questions, come to me.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Anything at all, come to me.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Hey, toff boy, can I have a word?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26If this is about the caterer thing...
0:11:26 > 0:11:27No, take a look at my face,
0:11:27 > 0:11:30and don't you dare tell me that you don't remember it.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Maybe this will jog your memory. Oink, oink, oink...
0:11:34 > 0:11:38- Oink, oink, oink! - Stop that - are you possessed?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40I was the Cream Hog, you prick!
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Oh, God, yes...
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Wow, I haven't thought about that in years.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- How are you doing? - How am I doing?!
0:11:48 > 0:11:52Thanks to you and your mates, I was a laughing stock for three years.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Look, don't take it personally.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55You weren't the first cream hog
0:11:55 > 0:11:58and I'm pretty sure you won't be the last...
0:11:58 > 0:11:59Do you think this is a joke?
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Because I can tell you, there is nothing funny about
0:12:02 > 0:12:05spending five hours scooping whipped cream out of your ear canals.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07- All right, how much?- Er, what?
0:12:07 > 0:12:12How much is it going to take for you to piss off and leave me alone?
0:12:12 > 0:12:13Unbelievable!
0:12:13 > 0:12:18I am not some naive chambermaid you groped after too many sherries,
0:12:18 > 0:12:19you can't just pay me off.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21I want an apology.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24- I mean, obviously I'll take some money, but...- Jesus!
0:12:24 > 0:12:26It's bad enough I have to slap a grin on my mug all day
0:12:26 > 0:12:30for this wretched wedding, I don't need another fucking ball-ache.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Do yourself a favour and get over it -
0:12:33 > 0:12:35all right, Cream Hog?
0:12:35 > 0:12:37SHE GASPS Do not call me that!
0:12:40 > 0:12:42That's not my name.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Fuck, she's late, Danny.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55- What if she's changed her mind and done a runner?- No way!
0:12:55 > 0:12:57I saw you two this morning - it was like looking at
0:12:57 > 0:12:59one of those creepy stock photos you get with a picture frame.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01God, I hope you're right.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03I can't go back to being a grubby little bachelor.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Living all alone - end up cracking my skull
0:13:05 > 0:13:07cos I slipped in the shower tugging myself off.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10They find my corpse sopping wet, with my dick in my hand...
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Hey, I'm sure there's a totally legit explanation, all right?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Maybe she dropped her veil down the toilet
0:13:16 > 0:13:18and she's waiting for it to dry off?
0:13:18 > 0:13:20God, I wish Sheriff was here.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Usually, when I get worked up, he slips me one of the Valium
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- he nicked from the chiropractor's office.- Jack, relax.
0:13:25 > 0:13:30You don't need Sheriff or his dodgy sedatives - you've got me, OK?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33- I'm your best man and it's my job to fix problems like this.- Yeah?
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Now, I'm going to look for her.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37You go back in there, put on a brave face.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44- Hey, have you seen Ophelia? - Who the hell's Ophelia?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47The bride! She hasn't turned up and Jack's wigging out.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49- Can you help me look for her? - Sorry, Dan, no time.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- Mama's on a revenge mission. - Is this about the cream thing?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55- I've got to get even. - Hannah, today is not about you, OK?
0:13:55 > 0:13:57It's about me being best man and saving the day.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Sorry, but I've got to show that dick
0:13:59 > 0:14:01I'm not some fruit-fly he can brush away.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04I'm one of those big, fuck-off tropical insects that bites you
0:14:04 > 0:14:07and makes you have a heart attack and piss yourself at the same time.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Good luck with the whole missing bride shit.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29SHE SOBS
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- Hi!- Hi...- Can I come in?
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Great.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43There you are! Everybody's looking for you -
0:14:43 > 0:14:45it's like a really formal game of hide-and-seek out there.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Well, you can tell them to call it off.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- You can tell them to call the whole thing off.- What do you mean?
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I don't think I can go through with it.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57- I thought I could, but I just can't. - Sure you can, it's easy.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Just say "I do" -
0:14:58 > 0:15:01two words, and then we all get cake.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03I just keep thinking, maybe Jacky's not the one?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Of course he is!
0:15:05 > 0:15:08He's a great dude and he loves you like crazy.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12You know, he turned down every single handjob he got offered in Thailand?
0:15:12 > 0:15:15I know, he means the world to me.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17He's my randy little chipmunk, I just...
0:15:17 > 0:15:20I think maybe, I'm making a mistake.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24Ophelia, it's totally normal to have second thoughts
0:15:24 > 0:15:26when you're making a really big decision.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27It's like when I was 12,
0:15:27 > 0:15:31and as a treat for going a whole month without wetting the bed,
0:15:31 > 0:15:34my mum said I could get any ice cream I wanted.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37I spent ages looking at all the options -
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Solero, Twister, Fab...
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Eventually, I went for the Cherry Screwball.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45The whole time I was eating it, I kept thinking,
0:15:45 > 0:15:47"Maybe I chose wrong..."
0:15:47 > 0:15:49until I got to that chalky little gumball at the bottom
0:15:49 > 0:15:51and then it hit me -
0:15:51 > 0:15:53I'd made the right choice.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55And I'm telling you, Ophelia -
0:15:55 > 0:15:57you're making the right choice, marrying Jack.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59He's your Cherry Screwball.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05You wet the bed till you were 12?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Hello, old friend.
0:16:15 > 0:16:16Oh, Jesus.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18You're like a bad fucking cold sore -
0:16:18 > 0:16:20you keep popping up worse than before.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- I take that as a compliment. - What the hell do you want?
0:16:23 > 0:16:24You know what I want. Justice.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26I told you, the Cream Hog thing
0:16:26 > 0:16:28was a silly bit of fun between mates, OK?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30It's ancient history - move on.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33That "silly bit of fun" ruined my freshers' week
0:16:33 > 0:16:35and made me a joke for three years.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Is that whipped cream?
0:16:40 > 0:16:44Prepare to feel the sweet, sticky tongue of vengeance all over your body!
0:16:44 > 0:16:45Are you mad, woman?
0:16:49 > 0:16:50What in God's name is going on?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Dad, it's not my fault, this cow is deranged...
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- We were at uni together, and him and...- Shut up!
0:16:55 > 0:16:59This godforsaken day has been like a carving knife to my temple
0:16:59 > 0:17:01and that was before your sister decided
0:17:01 > 0:17:03to pull her little escapology act.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05The last thing I need is you and your friends
0:17:05 > 0:17:08causing a scene with foodstuffs, like circus folk.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Dad, it's not my fault.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13If only it had been you who died in that maternity ward
0:17:13 > 0:17:14and not your mother.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Ouch! Do you want some Savlon for that burn?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Give me the can.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Don't worry, guys, I found her!
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Just the best man doing what he does best!
0:17:27 > 0:17:29DAN HUMS WEDDING MARCH
0:17:35 > 0:17:38I fucking did it - I'm one of them married wankers, now.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Honestly, I couldn't have done it without you, Danny boy.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42You are a fucking legend.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Thanks, Jack, but just wait till you hear my best man speech.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Shit, you've already written a speech?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Well, I just looked up a bunch of stuff online -
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- you know, anecdotes, risque gags...- Woo-arr!
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Quick question, do you think anyone will be offended
0:17:55 > 0:17:58if I called one of the bridesmaids the C-word?
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Oh, here he is! My new brother-in-law!
0:18:00 > 0:18:02It's finally official, isn't it?
0:18:02 > 0:18:06My sister is no longer a member of the Faulkner-Jones clan,
0:18:06 > 0:18:09she's now the lucky Mrs Ophelia Plunk.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12I was thinking, when me and Ophelia get back from our honeymoon,
0:18:12 > 0:18:13the three of us should hang out.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15"Hang out"?
0:18:15 > 0:18:18You know, go for a carvery or something - a bit of family time.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22Believe me, Jack, it's going to take more than an Argos wedding ring
0:18:22 > 0:18:25and a piece of paper to make you part of this family.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Honestly, I never have a clue what he's banging on about,
0:18:33 > 0:18:35but he's a fucking solid fella.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38And he didn't even apologise.
0:18:38 > 0:18:44It's crazy - I mean, that Cream Hog prank really traumatised me.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46It might even have been GBH.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49- FINGERS SNAP - Come on, pick up the pace!- What?
0:18:49 > 0:18:51We have two tables in the corner that still need clearing.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54What the fuck are you talking about? I don't work for you.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58Oh, goodness. Um... I'm so sorry.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Why do people keep confusing me for a caterer, I mean...
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Ian, I can't find the dessert spoons.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09Fuck you all.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Hey, Hannah, where are you off to?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- Sorry, Dan, but I've had enough. I'm leaving.- You can't leave.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17What will people say
0:19:17 > 0:19:19if the best man's sister isn't there for his speech?
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Today has been a shit-show. Sebastian won and I lost and...
0:19:23 > 0:19:26- I give up.- Wow. I've never heard you say that before.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29I guess today just proves that aristopricks like him
0:19:29 > 0:19:32are always going to get the better of plucky, honest Joes, like me.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36I just want to find my coat and put this whole day behind me.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38MOANING, GASPING
0:19:43 > 0:19:45I can just get another coat.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Fuck.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Jack's going to be so upset.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Yeah, right after he finishes throwing up.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01God, this is all my fault.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03How is this your fault?
0:20:03 > 0:20:06When I found Ophelia, she told me she didn't think Jack was the one,
0:20:06 > 0:20:08but I convinced her to go through with it.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11I was banging on about ice cream for 20 minutes, like a dick...
0:20:11 > 0:20:13She might have mentioned she was humping her brother.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Trust me, the best thing we can do right now is get the hell out of here.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18- What?- Let's just go.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20We'll pretend like none of this ever happened -
0:20:20 > 0:20:23it'll be like when we found Mum's vibrators in the washing machine.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Yeah, yeah. Let's go.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27May I have a word with the two of you?
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Now...
0:20:34 > 0:20:37I don't know what the pair of you think you saw...
0:20:37 > 0:20:39We saw your weird kids fucking each other.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Yes.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Well, I had hoped that that particular form of horseplay
0:20:43 > 0:20:46had been left behind with adolescence,
0:20:46 > 0:20:52but I'm sure you can appreciate that weddings are emotional days,
0:20:52 > 0:20:56and sometimes, emotions can get the better of weaker individuals.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02Now, given the magnitude of this occasion,
0:21:02 > 0:21:05I do feel it would be for the good of us all
0:21:05 > 0:21:10if today's...developments stayed within these four walls.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Oh, my God, are you going to kill us?
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Eh?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16No, I'm simply going to ask
0:21:16 > 0:21:19that you practice a certain level of discretion.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21DAN SIGHS
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Fair enough.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27But, I mean... what's in it for us?
0:21:27 > 0:21:28Come again?
0:21:28 > 0:21:29The way I see it,
0:21:29 > 0:21:34it's kind of like your kids have had an accident in the swimming pool,
0:21:34 > 0:21:37and you're asking us to keep doing the backstroke
0:21:37 > 0:21:41and pretend that we didn't just see a giant turd floating by.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Very well.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47How much will it take to keep you quiet?
0:21:48 > 0:21:52I want an apology from Sebastian...
0:21:53 > 0:21:56..and that awesome Mercedes.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59- No fucking way. - Father, you can't...- Silence!
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Here's what's going to happen.
0:22:04 > 0:22:09You are going to stay here with my pathetic excuse for a son,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12you're going to keep an eye on him until he sobers up.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15If you can handle that, the Mercedes is all yours.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18And you are going to come back to the reception with me,
0:22:18 > 0:22:21and we are going to get this farce of a wedding over with.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24I'm sorry, I can't just go back and act all normal.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27I feel like I'm going to cry out of every hole.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29You're the best man, correct?
0:22:31 > 0:22:35Then it's your job to do whatever it takes to keep your friend happy.
0:22:37 > 0:22:42I know a lot of you have travelled far and wide to be with us today,
0:22:42 > 0:22:45so I just want you to know how grateful we are to you
0:22:45 > 0:22:47- for having made the effort. - DAN SOBS
0:22:47 > 0:22:52Today truly has been a wonderful occasion,
0:22:52 > 0:22:57but all good things must come to an end, so without further ado,
0:22:57 > 0:22:59I'm going to ask the best man to say a few words.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04CHARLES COUGHS Oi, Danny boy, you're up.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Give them hell.
0:23:15 > 0:23:20I read that a good best man speech should be like a Mexican dwarf...
0:23:21 > 0:23:24..short and a little bit spicy.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26JACK LAUGHS
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Hey, Sebastian, where's the best place to buy driving gloves?
0:23:32 > 0:23:33Excuse me?
0:23:33 > 0:23:37I was thinking, driving gloves might go really nicely with my Mercedes.
0:23:37 > 0:23:38Maybe an in-car humidor, as well.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41You know, expensive possessions are nice,
0:23:41 > 0:23:43- but they'll never make you happy. - Not true.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45The only people who ever say that
0:23:45 > 0:23:47are people who either have no chance of ever being rich,
0:23:47 > 0:23:49or people who already are rich.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52It's us suckers in the middle who know that that's bullshit.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Take it from me, Hannah -
0:23:53 > 0:23:56I've lived my whole life surrounded by lavish objects,
0:23:56 > 0:23:59but the one thing I truly loved, I couldn't have.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Yeah, because it's your sister, you fucking weirdo.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04God, my dad was right...
0:24:04 > 0:24:05I'm pathetic.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07I was a pathetic child,
0:24:07 > 0:24:10I was pathetic when I let my friends throw cream at you
0:24:10 > 0:24:13- HE SOBS - and I'm pathetic now...
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Whoa, come on, don't do that.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Do you want to, I don't know, play cribbage or something?
0:24:22 > 0:24:25I'll be OK.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Could you just get me a tissue from over there?
0:24:28 > 0:24:29Yeah, sure.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34And you know, I made a pretty big deal of the Cream Hog thing,
0:24:34 > 0:24:36but I think maybe we're even now and...
0:24:36 > 0:24:38DOOR OPENS
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Oh, shit.
0:24:42 > 0:24:47I'm sure some of you have found this speech revolting, disappointing...
0:24:47 > 0:24:50and thought it finished too quickly,
0:24:50 > 0:24:51but I just wanted to give the bride
0:24:51 > 0:24:54a preview of what's in store for her tonight...
0:24:54 > 0:24:56JACK LAUGHS DAN SOBS
0:25:00 > 0:25:04So, please join me in raising a toast to Jack and Ophelia.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08I'm sure you'll be the happiest couple in the world.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- Jack and Ophelia. - ALL:- Jack and Ophelia.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Thank you, Danny boy.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Anyway, I wanted to say a few final words.
0:25:24 > 0:25:29Ophelia, I have never loved anyone else as much as I love you.
0:25:29 > 0:25:34You are my porcelain angel and I want to prove to everyone here
0:25:34 > 0:25:35just how much I love you.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37- ALL:- Aww...
0:25:43 > 0:25:45This is Ayumi.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48My sex doll.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Before I met you, she was all I had.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52But now, she means nothing to me,
0:25:52 > 0:25:55because I know what you and I have is the real deal.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Goodbye.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Stop! Don't do it!
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Jack, I'm sorry, but there's something I need to tell you.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Sit down, you fool.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Stop, stop, stop!
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- Sebby?- Everybody, there's something that I need to say...
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Stop! Don't listen to him, he's fucking crazy!
0:26:25 > 0:26:26I am not crazy.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29I just need everybody to know that I...
0:26:34 > 0:26:36I...
0:26:37 > 0:26:38..love my sister.
0:26:40 > 0:26:41And...
0:26:44 > 0:26:46I hope that she's happy.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Whoo!
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Let's hear it for the happy couple. Hit it!
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Oh. I thought there'd be someone on music. No?
0:27:14 > 0:27:17You know what, Dan? I take back what I said this morning.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19All-in-all, that was a pretty good wedding.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Are you joking? It was a nightmare!
0:27:23 > 0:27:26I mean, I'm eating this cake, but I can barely enjoy it.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28I was supposed to be best man, but thanks to me,
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Jack and Ophelia are stuck in an empty, twisted marriage.
0:27:31 > 0:27:32If it's any consolation,
0:27:32 > 0:27:35you're basically just describing most marriages.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39Plus, look on the bright side - I got a Mercedes out of it.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42I suppose any day where you get a free car can't be all bad.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Exactly! Now, let's go get our hands on that little beauty
0:27:45 > 0:27:47and get the fuck out of this hellhole.
0:27:47 > 0:27:48Is there someone in there?
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Oh shit, maybe they got us a driver as well.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53No, it looks like, er... Sebastian.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Oh, God. What's he doing there?
0:27:57 > 0:27:59- Oh shit... - GUNSHOT
0:27:59 > 0:28:00BIRDS FLUTTER AWAY
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Fuck!
0:28:02 > 0:28:04My Mercedes...