0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Desperate times, desperate measures.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12Eoghan Quigg dodged me last week with the old doppelganger routine
0:00:12 > 0:00:14and it knocked my confidence no end.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19These A-listers are getting craftier.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21TELEPHONE RINGS But I've got a mole in the inside.
0:00:21 > 0:00:25- What about you, Mozzy? - Give me something juicy.- OK.
0:00:25 > 0:00:32Eoghan Quigg has been spotted in Barry's blowing 50 quid on 2p nudgers, so vengeance is yours.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36I would love to, big man, but I'm all over Calum Best like white on rice.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Suit yourself, Mozzy.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Calum Best - at 5pm last Sunday evening,
0:00:41 > 0:00:45I snapped Calum himself tiptoeing out of Jenny Bristow's back door.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48A quick Photoshop job turned "pm" into "am",
0:00:48 > 0:00:52and an innocent cookery lesson into an all-night liaison.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56A sneaky shot of Calum carrying this pregnancy tester
0:00:56 > 0:00:58would be the icing on the cake.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Bun in the oven? Cash in the bank.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02Here he comes.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08- Quigg! You're supposed to be at Barry's.- Up yours, Mozzy.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Stop him!
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Shit!
0:01:35 > 0:01:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Something really exciting happened to me very recently.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45I got married! CHEERING
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Yeah. It is great.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48I got married in Sweden.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50My wife is Swedish.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53And there, the format is slightly different
0:01:53 > 0:01:57because anybody can get up and make a speech, like for example,
0:01:57 > 0:02:00the speech that one of my groomsmen made.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02It was so bad that I have to share it with you
0:02:02 > 0:02:04because I have it right here.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07This is the speech.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13"Ladies and gentlemen... CLEARS THROAT
0:02:13 > 0:02:15"One, two, testes, testes."
0:02:15 > 0:02:17LAUGHTER
0:02:17 > 0:02:19It is in this.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23"I have known Diarmuid nearly all of my life
0:02:23 > 0:02:26"and I have to say he is a very thorough fella
0:02:26 > 0:02:29"and things to be done perfect
0:02:29 > 0:02:33"even when it came to buying the engagement...ring.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35LAUGHTER
0:02:35 > 0:02:40"He spent weeks going round looking at other people's rings.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46"Then he started to think about picking his own ring."
0:02:46 > 0:02:52Total silence. You could hear a pin drop. Half the congregation were Irish, they were mortified,
0:02:52 > 0:02:55but the other half were Swedish, they were loving it.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56And he continued.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00"And then he plucked up the courage to show his ring to her da."
0:03:02 > 0:03:06At this stage my ma is gripping her steak knife like Fatima Whitbread
0:03:06 > 0:03:07with a javelin.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10"In fact, Diarmuid is so thorough,
0:03:10 > 0:03:15"there isn't a person in this room who hasn't had a good look at her ring.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18"Even the priest today said she had a mighty fine ring.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26"But seriously, he did spend whatever money he could afford
0:03:26 > 0:03:29"on a really nice one with diamonds that sparkle
0:03:29 > 0:03:31"and throw light in all directions.
0:03:31 > 0:03:37"And when he showed it to me and he said he wanted to marry this beautiful woman,
0:03:37 > 0:03:41"I told him, 'Ah, that's lovely. So sparkly.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47" 'She is going to think the sun shines out of your arse, boy.'
0:03:47 > 0:03:51"Congratulations to the married couple. Thank you very much."
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Hello there. Welcome here to A Wander Wi' Willie.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00I'm your host, Willie.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Today I'll be meeting a gnome. Not one of your garden type gnomes.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08I'm talking about Gnome Barnes, a professional riddler and gatekeeper to the West.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Famous for his...oh, severe hay fever.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36- Hello there, Gnome.- Hello, Willie. Is it yourself?
0:04:36 > 0:04:41- It is, Gnome. Have you lost weight? - Aye, I have been working out.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47You're awful far away, Willie, wait till come over to you.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53POUNDING FOOTSTEPS
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Ah, that's better.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13Ahhh. Ahhh!
0:05:13 > 0:05:18Gnome here is very strict about who he let's pass into the West.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Atchoo!
0:05:20 > 0:05:24- Do you think you could let me continue on my journey?- Ah! Ahhh!
0:05:24 > 0:05:25Ah...
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Aye, Willie, but first you must answer me this.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31I was walking down the lane, it was pouring with rain,
0:05:31 > 0:05:36I had no umbrella or no hat or nowhere to take cover.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38How did my hair not get wet?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Did you have a bucket?
0:05:40 > 0:05:41No, Willie, it is not a bucket,
0:05:41 > 0:05:44but what is red and shaped like a bucket?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48A red...bucket?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50No, it is not a red bucket.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52That reminds me of a song.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Riddle me this, Willie.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57There was a man who was once a fine riddler,
0:05:57 > 0:06:00but he had no friends.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02How is this so?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Ahhh! Ahhh!
0:06:07 > 0:06:08Ahh! Ahh!
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Well, there you have it.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14What an interesting...oh...fella. Well, I best be on my way,
0:06:14 > 0:06:20but first I'm going to fiddle while Gnome Barnes dances.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21Atchoo!
0:06:22 > 0:06:24FIDDLE PLAYS
0:06:30 > 0:06:34It is great to have a wee bit of time away from the kids, isn't it?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Yeah, and the bills.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Hiya!
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Aren't you Rory McIlroy?
0:06:42 > 0:06:46That's that local millionaire golfer on the news the other night.
0:06:46 > 0:06:51Multi-millionaire, yup. Anyway, I find your wife fascinating.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- My wife? Her name is Jill.- Oh, no names.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58No names.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01OK.
0:07:01 > 0:07:07How about this? I give you a million dollars...
0:07:08 > 0:07:11..for a night...
0:07:11 > 0:07:12with your wife?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Are you BLEEP-ing serious?
0:07:24 > 0:07:28I will be over there eating loads of ice cream and a flake.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31I'm just going to leave it with ya.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36- I can't believe...- Let's think about this for a minute.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38# Come on Let's talk about sex, baby
0:07:38 > 0:07:41# Let's talk about you and me
0:07:41 > 0:07:46# Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that maybe
0:07:46 > 0:07:49# Let's talk about sex Let's talk about... #
0:07:49 > 0:07:50So?
0:07:52 > 0:07:56Rory McIlroy, we have decided to accept your indecent proposal.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57Sweet!
0:08:00 > 0:08:03I'll just, er... I'll meet you back at the house, then.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Oh no, you can come along and watch if you like.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08We need someone to hold all her clothes.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23- Bend your knees more and do noise I like.- Hyyy!
0:08:24 > 0:08:26THEY BOTH SCREAM
0:08:34 > 0:08:40# When the moon hits your eye like a pizza pie, that's amore. #
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Ah, the lounge...
0:08:43 > 0:08:46or TV room if you were dragged up.
0:08:46 > 0:08:52A place to kick off the shoes and lay back with a glass of wine.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Perhaps wearing ass-less karate pants and a cricketer's box.
0:09:01 > 0:09:09Or its microwave popcorn and the Twilight saga in your jimjams, like big Jackie Fullerton.
0:09:11 > 0:09:16Money is transient, but braiding a best friend's hair?
0:09:16 > 0:09:21Well, that's permanent.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26GONG RINGS OUT
0:09:29 > 0:09:32At Sushi Quattro in Cookstown, County Tyrone,
0:09:32 > 0:09:36I find myself trapped in a never-ending cycle
0:09:36 > 0:09:38of Japanese dinner torture.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Along with four other souls,
0:09:40 > 0:09:44myself and thon' are trying in vain to finish our meal,
0:09:44 > 0:09:49but the food, it just keeps coming!
0:09:51 > 0:09:55The seating arrangement leaves a lot to be desired.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57'I was forced to sit next to thon'
0:09:57 > 0:10:01'instead of my preferred position of opposites.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04'Direct physical contact became unavoidable.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09'Before we had a chance to order, the waitress offered us some tea.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13'In all my eleven years I have never once had my tea BEFORE my dinner.
0:10:13 > 0:10:18'What arrived was a cup of steaming, green water.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20'No milk. No sugar.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27'Instead of a menu, miniature versions of dinner spun around and around
0:10:27 > 0:10:30'at approximately 3 kilometres per hour.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33'This made me dizzy and a little queasy.
0:10:33 > 0:10:38'Once I spotted a recognisable meat, I pointed it out to the waitress.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43'I did not come here to eat display models.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47'Thon' selected some dumplings before going for a little dumpling of her own.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50'As the table had no knives, no fork and no spoon,
0:10:50 > 0:10:55'I had to fashion some out of a nearby box of sticks.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59'It took me 28 minutes to construct and whittle a workable fork.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04'To relieve my growing stress, I went for a pish.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07'The bathroom was comfortably within my 60 pace limit,
0:11:07 > 0:11:10'but to my horror it was a unisex.'
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Little Maurice hasn't been seen by woman or beast 15 years
0:11:15 > 0:11:17and that wasn't about to change.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26'Upon my return, thon' had found me some recognisable food.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27'A bowl of mushy pea.'
0:11:33 > 0:11:36HE CRIES OUT IN AGONY
0:11:38 > 0:11:39'They were not to my liking.'
0:11:39 > 0:11:43The food was A, cold, B, raw,
0:11:43 > 0:11:47but there was shit loads of it.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51A top tip, be sure you try their excellent after dinner mints
0:11:51 > 0:11:53as you may get breathalysed on the way home.
0:11:53 > 0:11:59I hereby award Sushi Quattro of Cookstown, County Tyrone,
0:11:59 > 0:12:02one Maurice McDaid out of five. Bon appetite.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09So yeah, I am married now. I have a wife.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12At least I know what to call her, my wife!
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Before whenever we were just living in sin,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20I didn't know what to call her.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22I didn't want to call her my girlfriend
0:12:22 > 0:12:27because that makes it sound like we are teenagers, so I called her my partner,
0:12:27 > 0:12:29but generally whenever I called her my partner
0:12:29 > 0:12:33I always follow it up by confirming her gender.
0:12:36 > 0:12:41Like for example, about two months ago, I was at a chemist,
0:12:41 > 0:12:44"Hello, how are you doing?" "I would like to buy some cream.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50"It's for my partner.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51"SHE...
0:12:52 > 0:12:55"..has a terrible rash on her penis."
0:12:58 > 0:13:00APPLAUSE
0:13:02 > 0:13:04You see men like me just aren't built for weddings,
0:13:04 > 0:13:08even whenever it comes to a simple task like organising the seating plan
0:13:08 > 0:13:12so that there is no fights because there is always a fight at a wedding.
0:13:12 > 0:13:17When a woman writes the seating plan, she will seat the guys who are likely to fight
0:13:17 > 0:13:18as far apart as possible.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Whereas the man will seat them together
0:13:21 > 0:13:23based on the fight he wants to see!
0:13:25 > 0:13:27"My da can have your da."
0:13:27 > 0:13:30"Oh, is that right? Is it? We will soon see about that."
0:13:30 > 0:13:34Table six, I think. Mummy.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Now on BBC Northern Ireland, the George Best Mysteries.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46# When I saw you you looked like a diamond
0:13:48 > 0:13:50# Just a boy from a country of Ireland
0:13:50 > 0:13:53# I knew I could make you shine
0:13:53 > 0:13:55# Cos you move like a downtown dancer
0:13:55 > 0:13:58# With your hair hung down like a mane
0:13:58 > 0:14:00# And your feet play tricks like a juggler
0:14:00 > 0:14:03# As you weave to the sound of your name
0:14:03 > 0:14:08# Georgie, Georgie they call you the Belfast boy
0:14:08 > 0:14:13# Georgie, Georgie, they call you the Belfast boy
0:14:13 > 0:14:15# Georgie, Georgie keep your feet on the ground
0:14:15 > 0:14:18# Georgie, Georgie when you listen to the sound
0:14:20 > 0:14:23# Georgie, Georgie put a lot on your name... #
0:14:25 > 0:14:26No, thanks.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29# Play the game, boy. #
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Thanks, for a great night, Georgie.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45You didn't go offside once.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54It's not over yet, love, you know.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- Eggs for breakfast?- Yes, please.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00And some...Cookstown sausages.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08For you, only the best.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11SHE GIGGLES
0:15:17 > 0:15:20# When I saw you you looked like a diamond
0:15:20 > 0:15:23# And you played in the dust and the grass
0:15:23 > 0:15:26# Just a boy from the country of Ireland.... #
0:15:26 > 0:15:28- Ah, wee Davey Healey. - All right, Georgie?
0:15:28 > 0:15:32There was a break-in last night down at the jewellery shop.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33They got all the diamonds.
0:15:33 > 0:15:38Good work, Davey boy. Say hi to your ma for me.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40You know?
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Oh my God. Watch out.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Oh.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09TYRES SCREECH
0:16:17 > 0:16:20MAN SCREAMS
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Oh! High tackle.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Yo!
0:16:38 > 0:16:41# Georgie, Georgie they call you the Belfast boy... #
0:16:41 > 0:16:44I score with the head. You know?
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Here is your minerals, wee David Healey.
0:16:49 > 0:16:54Ah, not a great head on that pint, Robo.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Allow me, Mr Pat.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08These people live off personal injury claims.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11They are playing out real claim set-ups 100% for real.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14We'll show you the insider tricks of the trade.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16This is The Real Claim, so it is.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21Today's claim takes place on an every day street.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Broken paving stones are bread and butter to the claim artist.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28So here is how to pull some serious cash from a crack in the payment.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Gentleman Jim is under house arrest.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34So the three of us are in our position.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Fat Alan innocently stands on a paving stone.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Pam as a sexy distraction, but this time
0:17:41 > 0:17:44yours truly will take the fall.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Remember, if the paving stone juts over one inch from the ground,
0:17:49 > 0:17:51the council will pay out.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53But we're always looking for that little bit extra.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55If the timing is right,
0:17:55 > 0:17:59the driver will be distracted just long enough.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06There you are. I claimed from the council
0:18:06 > 0:18:10and from the traumatised driver after this stunt.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Didn't I, Jim?
0:18:12 > 0:18:17Jim, Jim...
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Jim.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Forget it.
0:18:24 > 0:18:29That pie was gorgeous. What's your secret, Val?
0:18:29 > 0:18:32- The meat. McGlynny's butchers. - His wife fell into a mincer.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34# Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows
0:18:34 > 0:18:37# Everything that's wonderful is what I feel... #
0:18:37 > 0:18:41The butcher, Mr McGlynny where I buy my meat,
0:18:41 > 0:18:44apparently he has just remarried a Malaysian of 22.
0:18:44 > 0:18:49- Was it a mail order? - No, I'm pretty sure it was a girl.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- The flaming bag of shite...- Bobby!
0:18:53 > 0:18:57In the paper. Someone put a shite in a bag.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- Wait till you see what's for dessert.- Set fire to the bag,
0:19:00 > 0:19:02now there was a shite in there mind...
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- Is it a new recipe?- ..and shoved it through some man's letterbox.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- Been doing it for years. - That's terrible.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11You haven't seen it yet, Brian.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Think about it.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17Do you stamp out the flames and get shite all over your slippers,
0:19:17 > 0:19:20or do you just let the bastard burn down your house.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22- Or you could use...- Tapioca pudding.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25- Water would be better.- Really? OK, Bobby.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Do I not get any pudding then?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44# Sunshine lollipop... #
0:19:48 > 0:19:51It's nerve-racking meeting your girlfriend's parents.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54It was for me, I got to know them on a trip to Tenerife.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Her dad booked it so we flew from Sweden
0:19:57 > 0:20:01on a plane full of beautiful Swedish people
0:20:01 > 0:20:03which wasn't good for my ego, to be honest.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06The stewardess didn't know what to make of me.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08"I need some water. I'm very, very thirsty.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12"A bottle water there." "What is he saying? He is lovely.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16"What sort of dog is he?"
0:20:21 > 0:20:24So we arrived at the resort and I was feeling quite low.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Made worse by the fact that I had forgot to bring any swimming trunks.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32And I told my missus about this and I said, "I'm going to go and buy some,"
0:20:32 > 0:20:35and she was like, "No, just borrow some of Daddy's."
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Before I had a chance to say, "Are you mad, woman?
0:20:38 > 0:20:41"There is not a chance in hell that I am ever going to wear
0:20:41 > 0:20:42"another man's swimming trunks,"
0:20:42 > 0:20:48I was standing pool-side an hour later in her da's maroon Speedos.
0:20:50 > 0:20:55I was feeling pretty miserable at this point and then I noticed
0:20:55 > 0:20:59that the swimming pool had a diving board and I had a brainwave.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03You know the way Irish people are renowned worldwide
0:21:03 > 0:21:06for their acrobatic ability on the diving board?
0:21:06 > 0:21:11So I ran and I bounced on my face...
0:21:13 > 0:21:15..and I hit the water with all
0:21:15 > 0:21:18the poise and grace of a drunk tumble drier.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25I ended up breaking my toe
0:21:25 > 0:21:30and later that evening, we had to go and meet her parents for dinner
0:21:30 > 0:21:33and I came hobbling up to the table trying to avoid eye contact
0:21:33 > 0:21:36with her da because I was wearing his underpants.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39I had forgot to pack those too.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45Let me tell you, fellas, there is never a more miserable moment
0:21:45 > 0:21:48in a man's life than when your future father-in-law
0:21:48 > 0:21:52knocks on the door of your hotel room and says,
0:21:52 > 0:21:54"Here is seven pairs of my underpants.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02"I would like them back at the end of the week."
0:22:05 > 0:22:09We're in the restaurant, I'm hobbling up to the table and her mum notices
0:22:09 > 0:22:13that I'm limping and she says, "Diarmuid, what is wrong with you?
0:22:13 > 0:22:17"Why are you limping?" And I was about to answer in English
0:22:17 > 0:22:20and I thought, these people speak English to me all the time.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22I should make the effort to speak Swedish.
0:22:22 > 0:22:27The problem is my Swedish is less than basic
0:22:27 > 0:22:30and so I didn't know how to say,
0:22:30 > 0:22:34I made a complete fool of myself in front of the pool area and I think
0:22:34 > 0:22:39I've broken my toe, but I did know how to say I have a pain in my foot.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43Which is... SPEAKS SWEDISH
0:22:45 > 0:22:47But I said...
0:22:50 > 0:22:53SPEAKS SWEDISH
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Which means, "I have a bone in my fanny."
0:23:04 > 0:23:06- How are you?- Morning, Julie.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Watch where you're parking your car, Albert Dumble Dick.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12- Grow some balls.- He's my supervisor.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16Wee in his petrol tank. Cheerio.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Hi, Julie. Are you OK?
0:23:20 > 0:23:25Yeah. Well, a bit pissed off, I got stood up last night.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Really? Oh.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33If I was meeting you next week, I'd go now in case I missed you.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35- SHE GIGGLES - You're sweet.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42All right, Dickinova, why were you talking to her?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45No need to get that close to see his big balls, lad.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49- This is what happens when you talk to Julie.- Argh!
0:23:49 > 0:23:54Do something, numb nuts. Trust your two veg!
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Piss off, Balls Fairy.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Balls Fairy?
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Never call me Balls Fairy again.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Great balls of Jericho.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36You almost had him, lad.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41He made me flush my own head down the disabled bog.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44- A pretty good dig in though.- Really?
0:24:44 > 0:24:47I think I swallowed a poo.
0:24:47 > 0:24:52I'd call it a draw. And that Julie said you were cute.
0:24:52 > 0:24:57- I know. You heard that?- I did.
0:24:57 > 0:25:03- Balls Fairy...- Don't get all emotional on me, you pussy. Cheerio.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Stop thinking with your head and start using your hairy brain.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16# How do you like your eggs in the morning
0:25:16 > 0:25:18# I like mine with...
0:25:20 > 0:25:23The kitchen, the bustling capital city of any home.
0:25:23 > 0:25:28The oven is the city hall around which everything is built.
0:25:29 > 0:25:34The counter top, the factory floor, a place of hard work and industry.
0:25:34 > 0:25:40And the kitchen table is the market place where deals are made,
0:25:40 > 0:25:43arguments settled and illegal fireworks
0:25:43 > 0:25:45are sold under the counter.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50I paid for a family home with the sale of illegal fireworks
0:25:50 > 0:25:53and lost it all on divorce number one.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Now I play strip KerPlunk with
0:25:56 > 0:25:59some of the biggest names in the world of entertainment,
0:25:59 > 0:26:05Hunniford, Fullerton, Irish Terry Wogan, but never Hugo Duncan.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08His currency is no good here.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- Well, Albert.- That's right, Willie.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24THEY BOTH LAUGH
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Hello there and welcome here to A Wander Wi' Willie.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32Albert was just giving me directions to Hefty McBrennan's house.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Albert, is it true that you fell down this well at the age of 14
0:26:35 > 0:26:39and you've only just managed to, oh, make your way out?
0:26:39 > 0:26:43True enough, Willie, it's an historic day.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Almost as historic as me 27th birthday
0:26:45 > 0:26:48when I decided to cut me own arm off.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Was it trapped under a rock, Albert?
0:26:50 > 0:26:54Auck, no, it was just something to do.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Well, that's awful. Interesting, but I best be off.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02This great green land won't wander itself.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12This is the house of dog lover, Hefty McBrennan
0:27:12 > 0:27:14known locally as "the half a tonne man".
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Let's go and see where he's, oh, at.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Hefty Mick, when did you first realise you were a half a tonne man?
0:27:24 > 0:27:28Well, Willie, it must have been after thon' massacre of '44
0:27:28 > 0:27:31and my mother was so worried I'd start another one,
0:27:31 > 0:27:34that and she locked me indoors and fed me eight meals and day
0:27:34 > 0:27:37and before you knew it, there I was,
0:27:37 > 0:27:39half of me weighed a tonne.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Well, there you have it.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Now I'm away to meet a man who is known far and wide
0:27:45 > 0:27:47for fiddling with the church choir.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56My name has been Diarmuid Corr you've been fantastic. Thank you. Good night.
0:28:04 > 0:28:05Hiya.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Window down, no touching.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Oh.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Bon appetite.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:30 > 0:28:33E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk