0:00:03 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language
0:00:08 > 0:00:13MUSIC: "Morning Mood" by Grieg
0:00:20 > 0:00:22Nice one.
0:00:23 > 0:00:24PHONE RINGS
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Big G again, Mozzy.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Frank Mitchell thinks Zoe Salmon is skinny-dipping in his cow pond.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31No can do, mate.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33I'm all over Eoghan Quigg like Charlie Sheen on a...
0:00:33 > 0:00:34Quigg again?
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Let it go, Mozzy. You mad bast...
0:00:37 > 0:00:39BEEP
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Quigg was just a blip on my radar
0:00:41 > 0:00:43until he started messin' my livelihood.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Let's face it, he's no Barra Best.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Now look at me.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Dangling from a rope outside his hotel,
0:00:50 > 0:00:52waiting for the stripper I ordered to knock on his door.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55I have a reputation to uphold, you know.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Shit. What's happening?
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Ha-ha!
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Egg-nog! No, you wee bollocks. Stop it!
0:01:04 > 0:01:07- Come on, Mozzy.- Stop it, Quigg!
0:01:07 > 0:01:08You'll regret this.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10I'll tell Cheryl Cole!
0:01:10 > 0:01:11Up yours, Mozzy.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Wah!
0:01:14 > 0:01:15THUD Shit!
0:01:37 > 0:01:40We really have a big drinking culture here in Northern Ireland.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Yeah, we do.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46"Yeo!" He's in total agreement.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49We are one of the very few places, right,
0:01:49 > 0:01:52where people get absolutely hammered at home,
0:01:52 > 0:01:54in preparation to go to the pub.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59I love it whenever you see American movies, and they say,
0:01:59 > 0:02:02"Oh my God, I need a drink!"
0:02:02 > 0:02:06And the general response is, "Are you OK?"
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Whereas here whenever someone says "I'm not drinking tonight,"
0:02:10 > 0:02:13the general response is, "Are you OK?"
0:02:15 > 0:02:16I was in a pub in Tyrone.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19A friend of mine is a teetotaller,
0:02:19 > 0:02:21and someone came up to him and said,
0:02:21 > 0:02:25"Sure you can drink wine, that's not real alcohol."
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Being a teetotaller here is like some sort of scandal.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35"Did you hear about Eileen's son, Joe? Doesn't drink."
0:02:36 > 0:02:38"Why, what happened to him?"
0:02:40 > 0:02:42But the majority of people here do drink,
0:02:42 > 0:02:46and there's one day that proves that above all others,
0:02:46 > 0:02:47St Patrick's Day.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49CHEERING
0:02:49 > 0:02:50Yeah. Absolutely.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Even people who go off drink for Lent,
0:02:53 > 0:02:55as soon as the 17th of March rolls in, people say,
0:02:55 > 0:02:58"Oh, you have to have a drink on St Patrick's Day,
0:02:58 > 0:02:59"it would be a sin not to!"
0:02:59 > 0:03:04Jesus himself couldn't have got through St Patrick's Day in Ireland
0:03:04 > 0:03:06without someone trying to talk him into having a pint.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10"What are you having there, Jesus?"
0:03:10 > 0:03:14"What d'you... I'm fasting to save mankind here!"
0:03:14 > 0:03:17"Huh? No food or drink is going to pass these lips
0:03:17 > 0:03:19"for 40 days and 40 nights.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23"Not even alcohol, do you not get it?"
0:03:23 > 0:03:25"Jesus."
0:03:26 > 0:03:28"Are you OK?"
0:03:29 > 0:03:32"Sure you could have some wine, that's not real alcohol."
0:03:37 > 0:03:39FIDDLE MUSIC
0:04:01 > 0:04:04# Fiddle in the long grass, fiddle in the sea,
0:04:04 > 0:04:07# Fiddle in a barnyard, fiddle in a tree, fiddle in a mountain,
0:04:07 > 0:04:10# Fiddle with a dog, but the best place is to fiddle in the bo-o-og. #
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Hello there, and welcome here to A Wander Wi' Willie.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17If the eyes of window to the soul, then mine are a-wanderin'.
0:04:17 > 0:04:22Today, half the town are down at the Torrent River for the annual get-together.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24It's been going for as long as I can remember,
0:04:24 > 0:04:28and I'm using this dowsing stick to help me find it. Oh!
0:04:42 > 0:04:43WOMAN SCREAMS
0:04:46 > 0:04:50- These dowsing sticks is a great invention, Smithy. - They are indeed, Willie.
0:04:50 > 0:04:55Good man yourself, thanks very much for coming down. I'm a dowser myself, as was my father before me,
0:04:55 > 0:04:58now I have to warn you, it did bring him to an awful tragic end,
0:04:58 > 0:05:00God bless the cratur, only 24, so he was.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02The massacre of '51?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05No, that fella drowned using a boat, so he did, God bless him,
0:05:05 > 0:05:08couldn't swim for a thrupenny bit, hadn't a water wing between him.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10GUNSHOT
0:05:10 > 0:05:11Tragic indeed, Smithy.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Tell us about this here game.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Well, we've just started bobbing for apples in the Torrent river.
0:05:16 > 0:05:21It's an old local custom. I think it started somewhere around 1470.....
0:05:21 > 0:05:25...............
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Well, it's all very exciting.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Are there any other local customs, Smithy?
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Aye, well the road bowling be very popular.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43No word of a lie, like.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44GUNSHOT
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Join us later for more Wander Wi' Willie.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Often maligned, but vital to the two-car family,
0:06:14 > 0:06:18the garage is one of my favourite rooms.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21A place a man can be a man,
0:06:21 > 0:06:24or hide from the old ball and chain.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29One could hide from wife number two for...
0:06:29 > 0:06:33six weeks in a garage like this.
0:06:33 > 0:06:38Perhaps living on a diet of rainwater and Pot Noodle,
0:06:38 > 0:06:41returning, dangerously backed up,
0:06:41 > 0:06:44to find another man living in your house.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47A man like big Jackie Fullerton...
0:06:48 > 0:06:51..whose idea it was to play hide-and-go-seek.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Yes,
0:06:55 > 0:07:01a garage like this really is the perfect place for a man to reflect.
0:07:16 > 0:07:21Tiffany, my youngest, has decided to take up the violin.
0:07:21 > 0:07:26That's instrument hire, sheet music, tutor's fees, the list goes on.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31If I kidnap a high-profile local sportsperson...
0:07:35 > 0:07:38..people will pay big money to get them back.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43Especially if I speed things up by posting a thumb.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47Nine more fingers to mail, upping the ransom by nine grand a pop...
0:07:49 > 0:07:51You do the math.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Left or right, Mr Healy?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55SNIPPING NOISES
0:07:55 > 0:07:58I decided to take up running, right,
0:07:58 > 0:08:02and as it turns out, I've got two running styles.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05One, the smug run,
0:08:05 > 0:08:09and two, the American preacher run.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13Now, the smug run is at the start of the run and it goes like this.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17Hello there, how are you doing? Lovely day for a run.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20But as soon as I know that nobody else is watching,
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I turn into the American preacher run.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27Help me, lord! Save me, Jesus! Save me, God! Help me, oh God, oh God!
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Save me, Jesus, save me!
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Hello, there. How are you doing?
0:08:34 > 0:08:37And you know what? I don't really mind,
0:08:37 > 0:08:40because there are other weirdos out there running too,
0:08:40 > 0:08:42like those really old nuggety men
0:08:42 > 0:08:46who are so stiff that it doesn't really look like they're running.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49It just kind of looks like they're sneaking about the place.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Hi.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03But my favourite is the cry-laugh run.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Those people who look so uncomfortable running
0:09:06 > 0:09:09that you don't know whether they're crying or laughing.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12It's like somebody's sitting on their shoulder
0:09:12 > 0:09:14telling them bad news and then good news.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19You're adopted.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22But you've won the Lottery.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26You look absolutely ridiculous.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30But not as ridiculous as that guy.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Help me, Lord! Help me, Jesus! Oh, save me, Lord! Oh, save me!
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Hiya!
0:09:45 > 0:09:47I've been watching you two.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Aren't you Rory McIlroy?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52He's one of the best golfers in the world. He's a millionaire.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Multi-millionaire.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56KER-CHING, CHEER
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Anyway, I find her fascinating.
0:10:00 > 0:10:01Thanks.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03OK. How about this,
0:10:03 > 0:10:07I give you a million dollars...
0:10:08 > 0:10:10..for a night...
0:10:11 > 0:10:14..with your wife?
0:10:20 > 0:10:21What?
0:10:21 > 0:10:22I'll just leave it with you.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25I'll be over there eating my double choc marshmallow belly buster
0:10:25 > 0:10:28with extra sprinkles...and Wham bar!
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Just going to leave it with you.
0:10:33 > 0:10:34Wait, Michael.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Let's talk about this.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42# Get off 23 positions in a one-night stand
0:10:42 > 0:10:44# Get off
0:10:44 > 0:10:48# I'll only call you after if you say I can
0:10:48 > 0:10:49# Get off
0:10:49 > 0:10:53# Let a woman be a woman and a man be a man
0:10:53 > 0:10:56# Get off If you want to, baby, here I am. #
0:10:56 > 0:10:59So?
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Rory McIlroy, we have decided to accept your indecent proposal.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Sweet!
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Be gentle with my wife, mate, eh?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Oh, don't worry, we'll do all our stretches first,
0:11:10 > 0:11:13in case we pull a hamstring
0:11:13 > 0:11:15or something.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17CHEERING
0:11:19 > 0:11:20Oh, yeah!
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Oh! Oh! Oh, yeah!
0:11:26 > 0:11:27- Oh!- Oh!- Oh!- Oh!
0:11:35 > 0:11:38- Are you all right, love? - Yeah, I'm fine.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39Is it the squits, then, son?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Have you met your neighbours?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Aye, yeah, they seem nice enough.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51That's what people said about thon Austrian fellow.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52Arnold Schwarzenegger?
0:11:52 > 0:11:57I thought he was quite nice in that Kindergarten Cop documentary.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00One of them came round, actually, welcomed us to the area.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03You want to be careful who you let into your house, son.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- That's lovely.- Yeah, they said they saw us moving in.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Next thing you know, you'll be washing-line tied to a chair in the cellar
0:12:09 > 0:12:11with a snooker ball in your mouth.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15- Bobby, not everyone is out to get you.- Yeah, Bobby,
0:12:15 > 0:12:17there are some nice people in the world.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26A man was sodomised in Newtownards the other day.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43I have just finished a banana-flavoured milkshake
0:12:43 > 0:12:47in 24-hour fish and chip shop on the Cregagh Road,
0:12:47 > 0:12:49and it has possibly been
0:12:49 > 0:12:53the finest gastronomical experience of the financial year.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56The walls were white, clutter-free,
0:12:56 > 0:12:58and the whole place was tiled,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01perfect for cleaning up grease, blood and vinegar
0:13:01 > 0:13:05after a 2am post-pub pommeling.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08The seating was slidey and smooth for easy manoeuvrability.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10One Maurice McDaid for that.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13The table was rock solid.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17I could have done a jig on it,
0:13:17 > 0:13:19had it not been for the laminate and spilled gravy,
0:13:19 > 0:13:21which was delicious.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23I ordered the fish and chip,
0:13:23 > 0:13:25well done, with red sauce.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29Thon had the sausage and chip with brown sauce.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31She ate it.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33The member of staff was a delight.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36She took my order. Went outside.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Had a smoke.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Then waved to me through the window, keeping a friendly distance.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44My view was clear and unobstructed.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49Before we left, I had to go for an emergency shite.
0:13:49 > 0:13:55Thon's IBS had rendered the chippie toilet unfit for human con-dumption.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59So I availed of the facilities next door, in the McGrady household.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01However, their toilet
0:14:01 > 0:14:04was just over my 60-pace limit.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Fortunately for Mr McGrady,
0:14:06 > 0:14:10the plug-in air freshener was on full blast.
0:14:10 > 0:14:15To summarise, the food was A - fried, B - hot,
0:14:15 > 0:14:18and C - there was shitloads of it.
0:14:18 > 0:14:24I hereby award a very strong four Maurice McDaids out of five.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25Bon appetit.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32When I was at school, I couldn't care less about science,
0:14:32 > 0:14:33couldn't care less about it,
0:14:33 > 0:14:36but now I seem to be really interested in it.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39And I think it's because of one man.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Brian Cox.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44- Do you know who I'm talking about? - Yes!
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Professor Brian Cox from Wonders of the Universe,
0:14:47 > 0:14:51an incredibly likable chap with a big grin
0:14:51 > 0:14:55and a weird laugh. "Heh. Heh. Heh."
0:14:55 > 0:14:58I think the reason why he's smiling all the time
0:14:58 > 0:15:02is because he gets to go to the most incredible places on the face of the planet
0:15:02 > 0:15:07and use whatever he wants to show us the simplest of scientific theories.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11One minute he's playing keyboard in the band D:Ream
0:15:11 > 0:15:12and the next, it's all,
0:15:12 > 0:15:18"These 12 scantily-clad ladies in blue bikinis represent the protons.
0:15:18 > 0:15:19"Heh. Heh.
0:15:20 > 0:15:26"And these scantily-clad ladies in red bikinis represent the neutrons.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28"Heh. Heh.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32"And this bouncy castle represents the core of the atom.
0:15:33 > 0:15:38"Go on, girls, bouncy, bouncy.
0:15:38 > 0:15:43# "Things can only get better... #
0:15:43 > 0:15:48"Because Manuel here's going to spray them with this garden hose.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50"Heh. Heh. Heh."
0:15:52 > 0:15:55# When I saw you, you looked like a diamond.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58# As you played in the dust and the grime
0:15:58 > 0:16:00# Just a boy from the country of Ireland.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02# And I knew I could make you shine.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05# Cos you move like a downtown dancer
0:16:05 > 0:16:08# With your hair hung down like a mane
0:16:08 > 0:16:10# And your feet playing tricks like a juggler
0:16:10 > 0:16:13# As you weave to the sound of your name.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15# Georgie, Georgie
0:16:15 > 0:16:18# They call you the Belfast boy
0:16:18 > 0:16:19# Georgie, Georgie,
0:16:19 > 0:16:21# They call you the Belfast boy
0:16:21 > 0:16:25# They said Georgie, Georgie keep your feet on the ground
0:16:25 > 0:16:27# Georgie, Georgie when you listen to the sound
0:16:27 > 0:16:31# Georgie, Georgie put a light on your name... #
0:16:34 > 0:16:36No, thanks.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37# Play the game
0:16:37 > 0:16:41# Play the game. #
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Where are you going, Georgie?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Another woman's been found murdered,
0:16:46 > 0:16:47down the docks, you know.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51Oh, be careful, Georgie.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52I'll do my best.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55SEVENTIES COP-TYPE MUSIC
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Aw. Off the post.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Pat, stop him.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Ball, Monsieur Robo.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01But of course, Monsieur Best.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16Fancy a pint, ladies and gents?
0:18:16 > 0:18:17How about some champagne?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21No, thanks. I'm fine.
0:18:22 > 0:18:27'The George Best Mysteries will return next week, you know.'
0:18:29 > 0:18:31I was installing a motion sensor light for a relative.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Can't be too careful these days.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36It was a wet day
0:18:36 > 0:18:38and I wasn't wearing a harness.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42Unfortunately, no-one had given me a ladder,
0:18:42 > 0:18:45helmet, harness or safety briefing.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Claim!
0:18:49 > 0:18:51I shattered my kneecap
0:18:51 > 0:18:55and ended up with a strangled left testicle.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58I called the Personal Repetitive Injury Claims Service.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00They got me eight-and-a-half grand.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03I didn't even have to go to court again.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04'If you hurt yourself,
0:19:04 > 0:19:05'we might be able to spin it
0:19:05 > 0:19:07'that it was someone else's fault.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09'Call this number
0:19:09 > 0:19:10'to see if you can make a claim
0:19:10 > 0:19:12'on a no-win, no-fee basis.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15It was five grand for the kneecap
0:19:15 > 0:19:17and three-and-a-half for the bollock.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21You know, you'd think it would be the other way round, wouldn't you?
0:19:21 > 0:19:25'Don't forget, you'll probably still qualify for Incapacity Benefit,
0:19:25 > 0:19:27'and you can stay on the Buroo.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29'So call the number now.'
0:19:34 > 0:19:36You're sweet.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39All right, Dickanova, what are you doing talking to her?
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Sweet balls of Jericho!
0:19:44 > 0:19:48He made me flush my own head down the disabled bog.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52What's up, my brother?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Hi, Simon. Up to much last night?
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Yeah, had a pretty sweet night, man.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59I had a five-hour Grand Theft Auto marathon with mum, you know.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Blap! Blap! Blap!
0:20:01 > 0:20:03# Drive-by! #
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Nice. They're showing the original Rocky in the cinema tonight.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Vwoot. Vwoot.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12- Already on it, big stuff. Are you in?- Definitely!
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Cool. Mum'll just have to get her own tickets.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17All right? Kirk Dickless.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Hmm. Thanks, lard ass.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23You're not supposed to call me that, Barry.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Enjoy your tea, Count Dickula.
0:20:34 > 0:20:35Julie?
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Julie, do you fancy going to the cinema tonight?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40'Balls!'
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Grow some man-mushrooms, lad!
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- And do what?- I don't know.
0:20:47 > 0:20:48Use that computer thing.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Hit him over the head with it or somethin'.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Stop thinkin' with your head and start usin' your hairy brain.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01MUSIC: "Hearts On Fire" by John Cafferty
0:21:01 > 0:21:05# Hearts on fire
0:21:05 > 0:21:08# Strong desire
0:21:08 > 0:21:13# Rages deep within
0:21:16 > 0:21:19# Hearts on fire... #
0:21:20 > 0:21:22A goat?
0:21:22 > 0:21:25LAUGHTER
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Thanks, Balls Fairy.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36- What?- Ah, nothing.
0:21:39 > 0:21:40Right. Cheerio.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43'Balls!'
0:21:48 > 0:21:50# Hearts on fire... #
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Get in the bin.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54- Where were you?- Where are your balls?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01If you're single, give us a big cheer!
0:22:01 > 0:22:02CHEERING
0:22:02 > 0:22:05If you're in a relationship, give us one.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06SLIGHTLY LESS CHEERING
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Yes.
0:22:08 > 0:22:13The single cheer is always much more optimistic, isn't it? It really is.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17Do you know, we're not really known for our romantic side here,
0:22:17 > 0:22:22not at all. I was in a pub two weeks ago, and I heard a couple arguing
0:22:22 > 0:22:24and it was almost as if they were breaking up,
0:22:24 > 0:22:29and HE was complaining to HER that she never listened to him
0:22:29 > 0:22:33or understood his needs as a man, and a boyfriend.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36And she took his hand,
0:22:37 > 0:22:40and that was his cue to shut up.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41And she said,
0:22:43 > 0:22:46"Sure, don't I ride you and get you chips?"
0:22:49 > 0:22:51That's a bit grim, isn't it?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53To be honest,
0:22:53 > 0:22:56the people who will be groaning most at that will be the single people,
0:22:56 > 0:22:59whereas the people in the relationship are all going,
0:22:59 > 0:23:00"What's wrong with that?"
0:23:00 > 0:23:04"Isn't he getting a bit of loving and he's also getting chips?"
0:23:04 > 0:23:08But you see, whenever it comes to sex in a relationship,
0:23:08 > 0:23:10men are like the Ambulance Service of Northern Ireland.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14We're constantly on alert, ready to take every call.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17We go into dangerous situations, rain, hail, sleet or snow,
0:23:17 > 0:23:21even if there's a 50% chance it might be a false alarm.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24"Hello? Sex, where?"
0:23:27 > 0:23:28"Cullybackey?"
0:23:29 > 0:23:32"I'll be there in nine minutes."
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Whereas women in a relationship
0:23:34 > 0:23:36are a bit more like an automated answering service.
0:23:37 > 0:23:42"The woman you would like to have sex with knows you are waiting.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46"You are currently in a queue."
0:23:46 > 0:23:48"Your request is important to her,
0:23:48 > 0:23:51"and will be dealt with as soon as possible.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54"If you would like to complain to an operator,
0:23:54 > 0:23:55"make your own dinner."
0:24:04 > 0:24:07My wife Caroline wants to join a pony club.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11That's private lessons, competition fees, horse clinics,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14and that's before we feed the bugger.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17YELLING
0:24:17 > 0:24:20So in the evenings, I'm having a go at Russian roulette.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22MAN SHOUTS IN VIETNAMESE
0:24:22 > 0:24:25At odds of 6 to 1 at £1,000 a pop,
0:24:25 > 0:24:27MAN SHOUTS AGAIN
0:24:32 > 0:24:34CLICK
0:24:36 > 0:24:38You do the math.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Double or quits, anyone?
0:24:43 > 0:24:46# Well, I'm as free as a breeze
0:24:46 > 0:24:48# And I'll do as I please.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51# Just bumming around. #
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Of course, when you bite the property pie,
0:24:54 > 0:24:57a local parkland like this
0:24:57 > 0:25:00really can be the icing on the cake.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Green and gorgeous,
0:25:05 > 0:25:10a grand area for picnics with soon-to-be-estranged families
0:25:10 > 0:25:12or a solo evening stroll.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16But at night-time,
0:25:16 > 0:25:19it's lights on, have a peek,
0:25:19 > 0:25:24window down, no touching, door open.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Anything goes.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31Maybe you're onto a good thing, then everyone has to go home,
0:25:31 > 0:25:34because big Jackie has one of his asthma attacks
0:25:34 > 0:25:37in the back of a rented Ford Focus.
0:25:39 > 0:25:46But all things being equal, this really is a wonderful local amenity.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52What a fine day it is down at the Torrent River.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Locals out enjoying the countryside,
0:25:54 > 0:25:57and getting the influenza.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01But I want to know more about these fine sportsmen and this fine sport.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Tell us about this here sport.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07As you can see, Willie, the apples are released upstream,
0:26:07 > 0:26:12Lady Gravity will take her natural course, and our competitors try to grab the apples downstream.
0:26:12 > 0:26:17It is awful weather, them fellas must be soaked to the bone, foundered, God bless them and pardon them.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19My heart goes out to them. GUNSHOT
0:26:29 > 0:26:30No cheating, boys, now.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36C'mere, you boy, you.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38He's doing well.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Aye, he's definitely one for the future, big strapping lad.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43He wouldn't be the favourite. If you look over here,
0:26:43 > 0:26:46that's Big Horse McNamee. Fine big strapping man.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Fella could eat an apple through a letterbox, so he could.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Winner!
0:26:50 > 0:26:53It's a fine day for all the family.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Aye, it is, now, Willie, it is.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58It's just a shame we had to cancel our stone skimming by the sea.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01You see, last year several men were actually killed by our stones
0:27:01 > 0:27:03off the coast of Scotland.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06- Very interesting, Smithy. - It was an awful thing, Willie.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Now I can't talk too much about it,
0:27:08 > 0:27:12cos there's a court injunction out and solicitors are involved, it'd be a nightmare...
0:27:12 > 0:27:14- Wh...- But I can say this, Willie,
0:27:14 > 0:27:17it had to be one of the most disgusting things I seen in my life.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20There was blood and guts, people crying...
0:27:20 > 0:27:22- Wh...- But you don't understand.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25I seen the inside of a human nostril, it was just lying there.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27It was a full sized elbow.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Well, there you have it. What a day.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33I've seen road bowling, bobbing for apples
0:27:33 > 0:27:36and the awesome power of a dowsing stick.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Now I'm away to meet a man who fiddled so much he went blind.
0:27:39 > 0:27:40GUNSHOT
0:27:45 > 0:27:47My name has been Diarmuid Corr.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Thank you very much. Goodnight!
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Reverse Billy Bingham.
0:27:59 > 0:28:00Jus!
0:28:02 > 0:28:04The giraffe! Good morning.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06I have question about your ban of sheep.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09WEEPS
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:33 > 0:28:36E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk