0:00:08 > 0:00:12Eoghan bloody Quigg has been giving me the runaround lately,
0:00:12 > 0:00:13making me look stupid.
0:00:16 > 0:00:20Nothing sends a career down the crapper like a front-page drugs shocker.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Kerry Katona, Brian Harvey,
0:00:23 > 0:00:24Bungle off Rainbow.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Quigg may have 28,000 Facebook friends,
0:00:29 > 0:00:32but this time, I've brought a few of my own.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Three...two... one...
0:00:35 > 0:00:38MUSIC: "Witness (1 Hope)" by Roots Manuva
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Now!
0:00:49 > 0:00:52See you in the funny papers, Quiggles!
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Bye-bye, mortgage!
0:00:58 > 0:01:01MUSIC: "O Fortuna" by Carl Orff
0:01:01 > 0:01:04I'll get you for this, Mozzy!
0:01:04 > 0:01:07I'm Eoghan Quigg! Aaaah!
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Belfast has really changed, hasn't it?
0:01:35 > 0:01:39In fact, there's loads of new landmarks all over Northern Ireland.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Have you seen this one?
0:01:41 > 0:01:44It's the new Titanic Museum in Belfast.
0:01:44 > 0:01:49The architects designed this to give you that unique Titanic experience.
0:01:49 > 0:01:54So each corner represents the hull of the Titanic.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56But from the M3 flyover,
0:01:56 > 0:01:59it actually looks like the iceberg the Titanic hit.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05And then there's this. Now, I love this.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07The Balls on the Falls.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13They've built this on a major M1 roundabout,
0:02:13 > 0:02:16and you know, it kind of reminds me of that bit in Star Wars,
0:02:16 > 0:02:19where they'd only half finished the Death Star.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Obviously, the powers that be
0:02:24 > 0:02:30thought this multi-lane, Krypton Factor, monster of a roundabout
0:02:30 > 0:02:31wasn't dangerous enough,
0:02:31 > 0:02:35and what it needed was a sculpture of a big massive pair of balls
0:02:35 > 0:02:38right in the middle of it as an extra level of distraction.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46FIDDLE MUSIC
0:02:55 > 0:02:59# She fiddled with me up the stairs, the parlour and the hall
0:02:59 > 0:03:03# And when her father came home he kicked me in the... #
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Oh, hello there! And welcome here to A Wander Wi' Willie.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10I'm running a wee touch late to meet Tam the (oh) sheep farmer,
0:03:10 > 0:03:14so to save some time I'm going to sneak over this here 'lectric fence.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Oh! Oh.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Ordinarily I'd have wandered around this fine...
0:03:24 > 0:03:25FENCE BUZZES
0:03:25 > 0:03:27BANG!
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- THUD! - Oogh!
0:03:29 > 0:03:34Sorry, Miss. Ah well, that wasn't too bad.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37But I seem to have lost my boot.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41MUSIC: "Insane In The Membrane" by Cypress Hill
0:03:46 > 0:03:47MUSIC STOPS
0:03:54 > 0:03:57This here's the sheep farm of Big Wee Tam (oh) Santer.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00As it's lambing season, Tam sure is a busy man,
0:04:00 > 0:04:03but he's kindly offered to give me a gander
0:04:03 > 0:04:05at his very interesting (oh) hobby.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10METAL DETECTOR WHINES
0:04:16 > 0:04:20Thanks for interrupting your (oh) lambing, Tam. Is this all your land?
0:04:20 > 0:04:21That it is, Willie.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25I own the land from the...what do you call it? House down there,
0:04:25 > 0:04:27- to that ping-pong table over yonder. - BAA!
0:04:30 > 0:04:31And what's this here, Tam?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34This is a what-do-you-call-it metal detector, Willie.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37I've found interesting bits and pieces all over this place.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39BAA!
0:04:39 > 0:04:42I found this not far from my house, Willie.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44I believe it was some sort of what-do-you-call-it,
0:04:44 > 0:04:47pot for cooking soup, stone age, like.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50I like soup.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51And what about this?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54This was probably a what-do- you-call-it mediaeval sun hat.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57And this would appear to be a Viking's boot,
0:04:57 > 0:05:00left over from a time when they massacred 200 women and children,
0:05:00 > 0:05:02feasting on the flesh of...
0:05:02 > 0:05:05You found my boot! Thanks, Tam.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06Well, I'd love to see more,
0:05:06 > 0:05:10but I've got a hankering for a game of ping (oh) pong. Will you join me?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13I won't say no, Willie.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Come back later for more Wander Wi' Willie.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21We could simply blu-tac the lid on.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- What?- OK, ladies and gents.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25Hold it there, please.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29- Who are we burying today? - McCormack. Arthur McCormack.
0:05:29 > 0:05:36McCormack... Yes, the McCormack burial is delayed ever so slightly.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39The previous service is just finishing up now.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43- But we booked this days ago.- Yes, I apologise, but...- That's right, sir,
0:05:43 > 0:05:47but the Devitt party did pay for priority burial, so they went ahead.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50OK, everyone, I see many of you
0:05:50 > 0:05:52have brought flowers for the grave.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54I must point out that it is one item per person,
0:05:54 > 0:05:57and all bouquets must fit comfortably in that container.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01If they do not, you must leave them outside.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04And...we are down!
0:06:04 > 0:06:07OK, everyone, if you could all have your mourning cards as you pass,
0:06:07 > 0:06:12we'll have you graveside in no time. Sorry for your loss, thank you.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13Thank you.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16We realise you have a choice of funeral homes.
0:06:16 > 0:06:17SHE SOBS
0:06:17 > 0:06:20That's it, love, let it all out.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Thank you for choosing Everest and Son.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28It's good to see development and investment in Northern Ireland.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32But it's also sad whenever landmarks close down,
0:06:32 > 0:06:34like Delaney's in Belfast.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37I used to frequent this place whenever I was younger.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40I really looked forward to going here when I went to Belfast.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43And it was so exotic. Outside, it was like an American diner,
0:06:43 > 0:06:46but the inside was a mishmash
0:06:46 > 0:06:48of rustic wooden charm
0:06:48 > 0:06:51and stuffed African animal heads.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54You would walk in there on a rainy Belfast day,
0:06:54 > 0:06:59and you would be transported to what felt like an African hunting lodge
0:06:59 > 0:07:02with a pound shop next door.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06And nothing says, "I'm in the big smoke" more than eating pavlova
0:07:06 > 0:07:10beside the mounted head of a wildebeest.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12But it's gone. It's gone, and that's it.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Things change.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15But I can't help but wonder,
0:07:15 > 0:07:19what happened to all the stuffed African animal heads?
0:07:19 > 0:07:23And I like to think that there's some wee man round Belfast
0:07:23 > 0:07:26with a gazelle's head hanging in his hallway.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29And he's using it to hang his baseball hats on.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Trying to explain it to his friends.
0:07:32 > 0:07:37"Right, OK, it's obviously some sort of horse.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41"Right? Except it's got horns, as you can see.
0:07:41 > 0:07:46"So that means it's either A - a unicorn,
0:07:46 > 0:07:49"or B - a cow."
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Luxury. Quality. Lifestyle.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06Summertime, and a trouserless three-legged race,
0:08:06 > 0:08:08with Irish Terry Wogan,
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Martin "Four-Eyes" O'Neilly, and an inebriated
0:08:11 > 0:08:14big Jackie Fullerton.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18I've heard it said that home is where the heart is.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22But grounds of this quality are good for the soul.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26And looking around at this marvellous garden,
0:08:26 > 0:08:27one can't help but dream
0:08:27 > 0:08:31of British Bulldog, water bombs
0:08:31 > 0:08:36and "polio, polio, who has the ball-io?"
0:08:37 > 0:08:39When I was younger, I had polio.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Such was the poverty of the time.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Now I employ an army of Polish people
0:08:46 > 0:08:50to tend the six-acre grounds of my house, and lend a hand
0:08:50 > 0:08:55when we're a man short for What's The Time, Mr Wolf?
0:08:56 > 0:09:00Yes. These grounds are marvellous.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09And so, when the banshee cries,
0:09:09 > 0:09:16it heralds the death of anyone whose surname begins with Mac or O.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17Bollocks.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25- Excuse me?- I have question about your ban of shee.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29You say that she can be old hag and young beauty at same time.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33This could not happen. It is not law of nature, like gravity.
0:09:33 > 0:09:34Sir Isaac Newton.
0:09:34 > 0:09:39To be old and young at same time, you have to bend threads of time,
0:09:39 > 0:09:42which is impossible. Not even the great magician Paul Daniels can do that.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46- And he is good. - You like it. But not a lot.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48No, you've got it wrong.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50The banshee can look like many things.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54Some say she even appears in the form of a crow.
0:09:54 > 0:09:59If banshee can be old hag, young beauty, and crow,
0:09:59 > 0:10:00then banshee can be anything.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Is lamppost banshee?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Maybe milady's handbag is banshee.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09And why she only one of impending death to the Os and Macs?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11This banshee, is she a bigot?
0:10:11 > 0:10:16Lots of family surnames begin with Mac and O. Please, sir, madam!
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- Does yours?- What? Yes.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Have you been killed by banshee?
0:10:21 > 0:10:27- No.- I am getting very sore head from all of this bullshittings.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Ah, thank you, dear.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31What is next on tour?
0:10:31 > 0:10:35I am very much looking forward to seeing Albert's crooked clock.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Can you say it for me? A!
0:10:41 > 0:10:45Mummy, stop trying to put words into my mouth.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Hey, giraffe! Good morning!
0:10:49 > 0:10:52"Good morning, Stephen."
0:10:52 > 0:10:54A for apple, B is for ball, I mean,
0:10:54 > 0:10:57can we believe the administration's assurances any more?
0:10:57 > 0:11:00"Well, Stephen, I remain sceptical as ever.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04"Their history of misinformation and spin
0:11:04 > 0:11:08"leaves the people of this community feeling cynical and let down."
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Missy Moo, welcome to the playroom!
0:11:11 > 0:11:14"We've had the carrot of playtime dangled in front of us,
0:11:14 > 0:11:17"only to have educational reform tacked on at the last minute."
0:11:17 > 0:11:19"Don't skirt the issue, Missy Moo.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22"The government are feeding us lies and doublespeak."
0:11:22 > 0:11:25BABY CRIES
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Typical pass-the-book attitude!
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Santa! You're live on the air!
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Happy birthday, sweetheart.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40- I was up half the night, son.- Giving Val a hand in the kitchen, were you?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Worried I might swallow my tongue.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45# Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows
0:11:45 > 0:11:47# Everything that's wonderful... #
0:11:47 > 0:11:48That prawn cocktail was lovely.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52- 40% of all food poisoning fatalities, where from?- Tesco's!
0:11:52 > 0:11:54- Seafood.- Is that right?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Well, the beef was gorgeous.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59- I know where that cow was killed. - I did it this morning.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01And the man who fired the nail gun.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Wait till you see your cake, love.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06They say that red meat clogs up your bowels.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09I'm pretty backed up at the moment, as it goes.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Innards like a bag of angry snakes.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13Chocolate sponge!
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Jesus, Val, what have I told you about those sugary things?
0:12:16 > 0:12:20Heart disease, teeth falling out, high cholesterol,
0:12:20 > 0:12:23- morbid obesity...- Bobby!
0:12:23 > 0:12:24Enough, now.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Happy birthday, sweetheart.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29Thanks.
0:12:31 > 0:12:32Happy diabetes, Catherine.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40A bit of relationship advice for you.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42If you've just met someone you know,
0:12:42 > 0:12:45and you think they're special, but you're not quite sure,
0:12:45 > 0:12:47don't give it six months or move in together.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Just go to IKEA.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52If you go in there looking for a table lamp,
0:12:52 > 0:12:55and walk out 11 hours later with a flat-pack kitchen
0:12:55 > 0:12:57and still talking to each other, she's the one.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Marry the woman there and then.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04My wife's Swedish. I have to go to IKEA.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06She gets homesick.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11We're still together
0:13:11 > 0:13:15because we've got a well-rehearsed and complex system.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17She walks through the little gate area,
0:13:17 > 0:13:19into living room and bedroom land,
0:13:19 > 0:13:23and I'm observant and interested, not to mention upbeat,
0:13:23 > 0:13:25and I support her.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27From the canteen!
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Because to me, that's the best place in IKEA. I love it! It's genius.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32Those meatballs are genius.
0:13:32 > 0:13:37And who would have thought that gravy and jam go so well together?
0:13:37 > 0:13:41As soon as I know it's IKEA day, I'm up first thing in the morning,
0:13:41 > 0:13:45brushing my teeth, putting on my best elasticated trousers,
0:13:45 > 0:13:47because for her, it's IKEA day,
0:13:47 > 0:13:49but for me, it's meatball day.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Meatballs!
0:13:51 > 0:13:54The only hard part of meatball day is trying to figure out
0:13:54 > 0:13:57how many meatballs to have. Five, ten, fifteen?
0:13:57 > 0:14:00I think that's where those geniuses in IKEA
0:14:00 > 0:14:02have made their one and only mistake.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Don't count the meatballs, guys.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Small portion, medium portion, large portion.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08No-one wants to know how many meatballs they ate.
0:14:08 > 0:14:13No-one wants to know how many anything they ate.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15OK, Mr Corr, so far today you've had
0:14:15 > 0:14:162 eggs, 2 bacon, 2 sausage,
0:14:16 > 0:14:182 slices of toast, 2 soda,
0:14:18 > 0:14:2012 mushrooms, 144 baked beans,
0:14:20 > 0:14:234 slices of bread, 2 slices of ham, 4 slices of cheese,
0:14:23 > 0:14:252 bits of lettuce, half a tomato,
0:14:25 > 0:14:273 wine gums, a fly,
0:14:27 > 0:14:3115 meatballs, 111 fries, 120 ml of gravy,
0:14:31 > 0:14:332 spoonfuls of jam,
0:14:33 > 0:14:37and an ironic 750 ml of Diet Coke.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40And it's only 1:15 in the afternoon. Well done, Mr Corr!
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I have just finished what I think was a meal,
0:14:53 > 0:14:56at Mere Damange on Fountain Street in Belfast.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00And I have to say, the whole thing was a ghastly nightmare.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02On our arrival,
0:15:02 > 0:15:06my senses were immediately pummelled by the weird decor.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Our waiter's over-friendliness and attentive care
0:15:09 > 0:15:11made me think he was a homosexual,
0:15:11 > 0:15:14which made Lorne accuse me of being homophobic,
0:15:14 > 0:15:18which made me uneasy and confused.
0:15:18 > 0:15:19No Maurice McDaid's for that.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23The menu was too fancy and the spelling was inaccurate.
0:15:23 > 0:15:24"Jus"?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Needing to call off, I went for a dump
0:15:28 > 0:15:32but the toilet was well outside my 60-pace limit.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35So I had to avail of a nearby fancy plant.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38LAUGHTER
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Feeling better, I decided to have a quick peek
0:15:42 > 0:15:44at the facilities nonetheless.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47My misery was compounded by their baffling bathroom.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51The bog had motion sensors and I feared I'd be electrocuted.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53TOILET FLUSHES
0:15:53 > 0:15:59But probably most terrifying of all was the air-blade hand dryer.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00But I couldn't help but wonder
0:16:00 > 0:16:04what it might be like to dip Little Maurice in it.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07When the food came, the portions were small
0:16:07 > 0:16:10and devoid of spuds or mashed veg.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13When confronted on this, our waiter tried to blame it on us,
0:16:13 > 0:16:16claiming we had not asked for side orders -
0:16:16 > 0:16:18whatever they might be.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22I want you to hit me as hard as you can.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28'The waiter declined my offer of a fight,
0:16:28 > 0:16:31'confirming my theory on his sexuality.'
0:16:31 > 0:16:32See?
0:16:32 > 0:16:34'To recap, then:'
0:16:34 > 0:16:37The tiny portions, the fancy decor, the baffling bathroom,
0:16:37 > 0:16:42the whole thing was a wretched and confusing experience.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45I hereby award Merde de Manger
0:16:45 > 0:16:47of Fountain Street in Belfast
0:16:47 > 0:16:51no Maurice McDaids out of five.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Bon appetit!
0:17:03 > 0:17:05You are sweet.
0:17:05 > 0:17:06(Balls.)
0:17:06 > 0:17:09- Why are you talking to her? - He is such an asshole, that guy.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Grow some man mushrooms, lad!
0:17:20 > 0:17:22I was outside the cinema on me own.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- Oh, relax, we'll do it next week. - It is so rude.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Not saying hello, David Dick-n-Dick?
0:17:28 > 0:17:32Barry, you are such an asshole!
0:17:33 > 0:17:35OK. Catch up with you later then?
0:17:41 > 0:17:45- Something funny, Dickasaurus? - No, Barry.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Get in the bin.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56If I come past here later and you are not in the bin,
0:17:56 > 0:18:00we are going back to the disabled bogs. All right?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12(Balls.)
0:18:12 > 0:18:15- Where were you? - Where are your balls?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17I guess they are in the bin.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Balls in the bin? The bin is no place for a pair of balls to be.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23I've had enough of this.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26That's it, lad.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Sprout out! Huh!
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Take that, then, you ballbag!
0:18:35 > 0:18:37King Kong Ding Dong!
0:18:37 > 0:18:39You like that, don't you...
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Barry?
0:18:43 > 0:18:45But why?
0:18:46 > 0:18:49My office, now!
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Yes, sir.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57(Balls!)
0:18:59 > 0:19:03You challenge me with a bin on the head?
0:19:03 > 0:19:04I just want to keep my job, sir.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07God, I hate you!
0:19:07 > 0:19:10But I admire your balls.
0:19:15 > 0:19:20An ensuite bathroom can add thousands to the price of a home
0:19:20 > 0:19:22and a nearby morning shower
0:19:22 > 0:19:25can blast away any strange flashbacks
0:19:25 > 0:19:28from last night's mixed foursomes.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32It all starts with innocent keys in a bowl,
0:19:32 > 0:19:34then Dutch blindfold,
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Knocknagoney necktie...
0:19:38 > 0:19:40..and reverse Billy Bingham.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Before you know it, it's the dreaded it Purdysburn pile driver,
0:19:47 > 0:19:49the Enniskillen spud gun,
0:19:49 > 0:19:52the Crossmaglen cut lunch.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57And then the inevitable Ballywalter wall banger.
0:19:58 > 0:20:04And at my age, it's prudent to have a latrine close to where you sleep.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10I have a prostate the size of a rugby ball!
0:20:13 > 0:20:19Yes, an ensuite bathroom really is a must for any modern homeowner.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27This next song is called Carrickfergus.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31# I wish I was
0:20:31 > 0:20:34# In Carrickfergus... #
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Bullshit!
0:20:39 > 0:20:43- What?- No-one wishes they were in Carrickfergus.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Not even Carrickfergusans.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48Not even people from Carrickfergus wish they were in Carrickfergus.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52It is not bad place but I cannot imagine
0:20:52 > 0:20:54standing in Taj Mahal, Magaluf,
0:20:54 > 0:20:58or Eiffel Tower gift shop thinking, if only I was in Carrickfergus.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00The castle's nice.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02It is a nice castle.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Yes. But my point is, have you,
0:21:04 > 0:21:07has anyone in this room,
0:21:07 > 0:21:11ever lain in the sweet embrace of a lover,
0:21:11 > 0:21:15paddled in the oceans of the Adriatic, skipped shirtless
0:21:15 > 0:21:20through a Basque olive grove on a spring morning and thought,
0:21:20 > 0:21:22if only I was in Carrickfergus,
0:21:22 > 0:21:27eating McDonald's and looking through window of clothes shop
0:21:27 > 0:21:29for lady of certain age.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33In fact, has anyone ever sat on toilet seat,
0:21:33 > 0:21:36with terrible, terrible hangover,
0:21:36 > 0:21:38cold and alone,
0:21:38 > 0:21:41a little emotional from it all,
0:21:41 > 0:21:44with splinter of wood in your eye, thinking,
0:21:44 > 0:21:47why God? Why?
0:21:47 > 0:21:52Take me away from all of this. Somewhere, anywhere.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56Perhaps God will answer and say, "Yes, singer.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00"Yes, tour guide. Yes, old barman,
0:22:00 > 0:22:02"where would you like to go?"
0:22:02 > 0:22:05And at that point of sweet deliverance,
0:22:05 > 0:22:08have you ever thought,
0:22:08 > 0:22:11# I wish I was in Carrickfergus? #
0:22:11 > 0:22:14APPLAUSE
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Fair enough.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22I have an old neighbour, who is completely loaded
0:22:22 > 0:22:25but he is so tight that he won't even wash his car.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28"Sure, why would I waste money on that?
0:22:28 > 0:22:31"Sure, doesn't it rain here all the time?"
0:22:31 > 0:22:34So when one of those cheap car washes
0:22:34 > 0:22:36opened down the road from him,
0:22:36 > 0:22:39I decided to send him a text message.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43I said, "Hi, John, new car wash open near you. Only £3."
0:22:43 > 0:22:45And he sent me a text message back.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51"Whore houses."
0:22:56 > 0:22:57Now, I should explain,
0:22:57 > 0:23:02he was the type of guy who had a conspiracy theory for everything.
0:23:03 > 0:23:04"Whore houses."
0:23:04 > 0:23:08He was also from that golden generation
0:23:08 > 0:23:13that texts in capital letters, so it sounds like they are SHOUTING EVERYTHING.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16"People upstairs, they are riding the bed out."
0:23:20 > 0:23:22And I was thinking,
0:23:22 > 0:23:25those car wash businesses operate out of a lorry container.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27So I text back.
0:23:27 > 0:23:32"There is nobody riding the bed out upstairs."
0:23:32 > 0:23:34LAUGHTER
0:23:34 > 0:23:36"There is no upstairs in a lorry container"
0:23:40 > 0:23:42"That's what they want you to think."
0:23:42 > 0:23:46LAUGHTER
0:23:46 > 0:23:47"PS: Who is this?"
0:23:47 > 0:23:51LAUGHTER
0:23:51 > 0:23:54"It's Diarmuid."
0:23:54 > 0:23:58"I've been to one of them car washes...Desmond."
0:23:58 > 0:24:00LAUGHTER
0:24:02 > 0:24:07"Did you get more than your car rubbed down, John? :-)"
0:24:09 > 0:24:12"I was investigating, you cheeky bastard!"
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Investigating, like, a car wash?
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Who did he think he was? Colombo in wellies?
0:24:20 > 0:24:21"Just one more thing, son.
0:24:21 > 0:24:26"There was an old busted mattress round the back. Whore houses.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29"Case closed."
0:24:31 > 0:24:34"PS: you had better not be in the south,
0:24:34 > 0:24:40"or you'll be getting a bill for these text messages...Desmond"
0:24:45 > 0:24:48# Gerogie, Georgie,
0:24:48 > 0:24:50# They call you the Belfast Boy
0:24:50 > 0:24:53# Georgie, Georgie
0:24:53 > 0:24:55# They call you the Belfast Boy
0:24:55 > 0:24:58# Georgie, Georgie Keep your feet on the ground
0:24:58 > 0:25:00# Georgie, Georgie Won't you listen to the sound?
0:25:00 > 0:25:04# Georgie, Georgie With a light on your name
0:25:04 > 0:25:07# Hey, hey, hey play the game... #
0:25:07 > 0:25:08No, thanks.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10# ..Play the game, boy
0:25:10 > 0:25:13# Play the game... #
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Hi, we Davey Healy.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19There was a break-in, down at the jewellery shop.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Oh, referee!
0:25:21 > 0:25:25The police are looking for a male Caucasian, six foot two,
0:25:25 > 0:25:27brown eyes and a scar on his inner thigh.
0:25:27 > 0:25:28Good work, Davey boy.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48No, Pat. Own goal!
0:25:48 > 0:25:50He's getting away!
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Perhaps I can be of assistance.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Sacre bleu!
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Ooh!
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Formidable, Monsieur Best.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12No, thanks, big Pat.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17'The George Best mysteries will return next week, you know?'
0:26:22 > 0:26:26My boy, Zachary's latest parent-teacher meeting
0:26:26 > 0:26:28was a humiliating experience.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Now that we have to stump up for home tuition,
0:26:31 > 0:26:34my wallet is learning a lesson too.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37So I have decided to moonlight as a gimp.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38LAUGHTER
0:26:38 > 0:26:41At least I get paid for this ritual humiliation.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Sadomasochism sessions on a Saturday.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Bondage on a bank holiday.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51At £80 a pop?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53WHIP CRACKS
0:26:53 > 0:26:54HE GROANS
0:26:54 > 0:26:57HE MUMBLES THROUGH GAG:
0:27:09 > 0:27:13So, Tom, what got you into the metal detecting?
0:27:13 > 0:27:16My mother had a metal plate in her head after the massacre of '41
0:27:16 > 0:27:19and, as a childer, I thought all women had plates in their head.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22So I bought the detector to help me find a wife.
0:27:22 > 0:27:23And did it work?
0:27:23 > 0:27:27There are some fine (oh) women around these parts, I am told.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Unfortunately not, Willie. I wandered the land lonely
0:27:30 > 0:27:32and what you call depressed for about 20 year
0:27:32 > 0:27:36and then I realised I hadn't actually turned the damn thing on.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38HE CRUSHES PING-PONG BALL
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Oh, she's broken now. That's it.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47Well, I have had a great time with Tom and so have (oh) you, I bet.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49I have seen sheep, electric fences
0:27:49 > 0:27:53and the crushing loneliness of a (oh) middle-aged bachelor.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55TOM SOBS
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Now I am away to meet a (oh) woman who only feels other women
0:28:01 > 0:28:04but maybe she will make an exception for (oh) Willie.
0:28:09 > 0:28:13My name has been Diarmuid Corr and you have been fantastic. Thank you very much. Good night!
0:28:13 > 0:28:16CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:28:20 > 0:28:22MOO! Dropped trouser.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24I can offer you a discount on shovel rental.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26BRAKES SQUEAL
0:28:26 > 0:28:28This is turning into orgy.
0:28:28 > 0:28:29Wham!
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:53 > 0:28:56E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk