0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Ah, the foyer!
0:00:11 > 0:00:14The gateway between the world out there
0:00:14 > 0:00:19and the greased-up sanctity of a private residence.
0:00:19 > 0:00:23Will this welcome area greet you with a touch of elegance,
0:00:23 > 0:00:27whether limping home from a long day at the divorce courts
0:00:27 > 0:00:32or red-raw after a weekend with sports underling
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Stephen "Bubbles" Watson
0:00:35 > 0:00:37at the paintball range?
0:00:38 > 0:00:44Yes, these high, classy ceilings and modern lighting features
0:00:44 > 0:00:47really do seem to say, "Come in,
0:00:47 > 0:00:52"I've got the camomile lotion, drop trouser.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56"I'm Stuart Prentice. The wee Watson got you."
0:01:15 > 0:01:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Thank you. Do we have any Diarmuids in the audience?
0:01:21 > 0:01:24No! We never do!
0:01:24 > 0:01:28I hated my name whenever I was growing up. I really hated it.
0:01:28 > 0:01:33It was so hard to spell and so hard to pronounce. But now I absolutely love it.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35It's got meaning and history.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39It means "free of envy" and it comes from ancient Irish mythology,
0:01:39 > 0:01:42where apparently Diarmuid was irresistible to women.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Hm. Yeah.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48You see, apparently, he was the son of Aengus, the god of love.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Now, whenever I heard about this guy,
0:01:50 > 0:01:55I initially pictured this great specimen of a man, this godly figure
0:01:55 > 0:01:58dressed in godly robes, surrounded by a harem of beautiful women,
0:01:58 > 0:02:01lying on a chaise longue, eating bunches of...
0:02:01 > 0:02:05potatoes, because grapes don't grow here.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09He'd jump off that chaise longue and he would jump onto his chariot
0:02:09 > 0:02:12that was made of gold, drawn by donkeys with flames coming from their hooves,
0:02:12 > 0:02:17and he would take any one of those beautiful women and he would bring her up to the highest peak,
0:02:17 > 0:02:20and there he would proclaim, "I shall make love to you."
0:02:22 > 0:02:25And then I realised he was Irish, so he probably just said,
0:02:25 > 0:02:28"I suppose a ride's out of the question."
0:02:28 > 0:02:31APPLAUSE
0:02:33 > 0:02:37JAUNTY KEYBOARD MUSIC PLAYS
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Hello there, and welcome to Willie.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52You may remember this fine old house behind me.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55It belongs to my old friend Nipsy.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59I haven't seen her since we played hide-and-go-a-whomping last year.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01That's right, Willie. I remember it well.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04At about this time on a Sunday morning,
0:03:04 > 0:03:08most of the locals gather around at Nipsy's to play hide-and-go-a-whomping.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12One person goes a-hiding, and then the others go a-seeking.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15And when they find them, they go a-whomping with their cudgel.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25Oh, Nipsy, I hear you're going to introduce me to some friends.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Aye, Willie, but first, the cows need a-milking.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40- Ah, Nipsy, have you forgot your stool?- Not at all, Willie.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Sure I can milk Betsy here without even touching her.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Watch.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54COW MOOS
0:03:54 > 0:03:55Very impressive, Nipsy!
0:03:59 > 0:04:02- Are you hungry, Willie?- A little bit.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Se you later on for more A Wander Wi' Willie.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
0:04:12 > 0:04:17I take a look at my life and realise there's nothing left.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:04:20 > 0:04:24Excuse me. Are you running this service?
0:04:24 > 0:04:29Brian Everest, yes. I trust everything's going well?
0:04:29 > 0:04:33To be honest, I'm a bit concerned about the grave.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37- Oh?- It doesn't seem deep enough.
0:04:37 > 0:04:42Well, I'm afraid there's not much I can do about that, sir.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45What are you talking about? You're the funeral director, aren't you?
0:04:45 > 0:04:50I am, yes, but before he died, your uncle signed up for our dig-your-own-hole scheme.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52He what?
0:04:52 > 0:04:56Yes, he was a bit strapped, as they say, before he died, and unfortunately,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59the old guy popped his clogs before he'd finished digging it.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03Though I'm sure all his hard work had nothing to do with his eventual demise.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05My lawyers agree.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07But he's gonna have a shallow grave.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11If you like, I can offer you a discount on shovel rental.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Or maybe sir would like a baggie?
0:05:13 > 0:05:16After the service, we can tip him into one of these soft coffins.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19That should give your Uncle Joe more headroom.
0:05:19 > 0:05:25..in spending most our lives living in a gangster's paradise.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31These people live off personal injury claims.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34By playing out real claim set-ups 100% for real,
0:05:34 > 0:05:37we'll show you the inside tricks of the trade,
0:05:37 > 0:05:39so you don't make the same mistake.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42This is The Real Claim, so it is.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Today, the target is the Belfast sight-seeing tours.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Sometimes, making a claim is as easy as falling off a bus.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59We're all in position. Distracting the driver is my main objective.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02That's a beauty I squeezed out this morning.
0:06:02 > 0:06:07Fat Alan is up top in a clever disguise.
0:06:07 > 0:06:12Gentleman Jim takes the dive, but it's Pam who will make the claim.
0:06:12 > 0:06:18As I baffle the bus driver, Gentleman Jim prepares his part.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Holy crap!
0:06:19 > 0:06:20HOOTS HORN
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Whiplash claims all round.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26Jim shatters his pelvis, and it's a classic double-dunter,
0:06:26 > 0:06:32as the jolt from the bus throws Pam from the top tier.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36Fat Alan innocently tries to help, but it's no use.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Well, there you have it. We all got a whiplash claim in.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Gentleman Jim smashed his pelvis,
0:06:42 > 0:06:45but Pam hit the jackpot with a dislocated shoulder,
0:06:45 > 0:06:48broken hip and got a bonus ball payout
0:06:48 > 0:06:53for the trauma of having her dress ripped off by Fat Alan
0:06:53 > 0:06:57on a busy shopping street as she was flung from the bus.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00You're a jammy bitch, Pam.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09Felicity, my eldest, has decided to take a gap year to go travelling.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Since she failed to get a part-time job this year,
0:07:12 > 0:07:15it looks like I'll be footing the bill.
0:07:15 > 0:07:20Flights, accommodation, spending money and a hip new wardrobe.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23It's not going to be cheap.
0:07:23 > 0:07:28So I've started manning the phones on a late-night interactive sex channel.
0:07:30 > 0:07:36Three nights a week, with up to 90 calls a night, premium rates...
0:07:36 > 0:07:37Well...
0:07:38 > 0:07:40You do the math!
0:07:45 > 0:07:48I'm actually worried about losing my hearing.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52My dad has progressively got deaf, you know,
0:07:52 > 0:07:54only he refused to get hearing aids
0:07:54 > 0:07:58because he reckoned it made him look old and senile.
0:07:58 > 0:08:04But him shouting, "WHAT?" in the middle of a supermarket doesn't, like?
0:08:04 > 0:08:08And the final straw came whenever he came down to Belfast
0:08:08 > 0:08:12and he said to me, "Diarmuid, I have to go to a funeral tomorrow,
0:08:12 > 0:08:16"I need to go and get myself some new shorts."
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Which is how they pronounce "shirts" in Tyrone.
0:08:18 > 0:08:23So I brought him to TK Maxx. I thought, that's going to be as good a place as any.
0:08:23 > 0:08:29And do you know in TK Maxx, there's this kind of area that sells odds and ends and bits and pieces,
0:08:29 > 0:08:31it's kind of like a jumble sale.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Well, he wandered off over there and he picks up this box,
0:08:34 > 0:08:38and he looks at it, and he calls me over, he says, "Diarmuid!
0:08:38 > 0:08:40"C'mere!"
0:08:40 > 0:08:43And I walk the three steps over to him.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Mortified.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51And he said to me, "What sort of a fishing rod is this?"
0:08:51 > 0:08:55And I looked at it, and it didn't look like a fishing rod at all.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59It looked like one of those miniature vacuum cleaner things, like a Handy Vac.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01I went, "Yeah, that's a bit strange,"
0:09:01 > 0:09:06and then I noticed that on the top corner, it said, Nintendo Wii on it.
0:09:06 > 0:09:11So I said, "That's for a Nintendo Wii" and he said, "What?"
0:09:11 > 0:09:14And I said, "Nintendo Wii."
0:09:14 > 0:09:20And he said, "I don't give a shite what you intend to do."
0:09:20 > 0:09:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:23 > 0:09:26So we said to him, "Get this sorted out."
0:09:26 > 0:09:29I was doing a bit of gardening at my mum's house
0:09:29 > 0:09:31and he came up to me, and he says,
0:09:31 > 0:09:38"Diarmuid, I went to the doctor and he gimme...he gimme the aids.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43"I can hear the bucking grass girl."
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Around 6,000 years ago, the Tuatha de Danann
0:09:55 > 0:09:58were forced down into the underworld to live for ever.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00And that's where the fairy folk come from.
0:10:00 > 0:10:05- Also known as...?- Leprechauns. - Leprechauns! That's right.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09- Has anyone any questions?- I have question about your fairy folk.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- Yes?- I have very much a problem with all of this.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20The mass movement of an entire race of little peoples?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Population 1.5 million.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Down a rabbit hole? Think of the queues!
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Well, leprechauns are very small.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Be nice to them, or they won't grant your three wishes.
0:10:32 > 0:10:37Small, yes. Insect, no. The pots of gold would not fit.
0:10:37 > 0:10:42And as for wishes, I wish for end to this crazy blarney bollocks.
0:10:42 > 0:10:47And how can you live for ever underground? You need sun for...
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- Vitamin D.- Vitamin D, that's right. Without Vitamin D, you will...
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- Die.- Die!
0:10:53 > 0:10:58And rabbit hole as entrance? How do rabbits feel about mass immigration?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Is their society fully integrated?
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Or did leprechaun use rabbit as horse?
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Look, it's just a bit of fun.
0:11:06 > 0:11:11Fun? Tell that to the 1.5 million leprechauns dying from no Vitamin D!
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Hello!
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Hello, little peoples.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Nothing. See? Bullshit.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24- COUGHS:- Bullshit. - What is next on tour?
0:11:24 > 0:11:27When are we going to Drumanahoe?
0:11:30 > 0:11:34'This is the Stephen Nolan Show, where the people have the power.'
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Nonsense!
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Let the man speak, Granny!
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Good morning, Ed. AS GIRAFFE: Good morning.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Again, we have too many voices clouding the issue.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51As GIRAFFE: No question, we're clearly living in a nanny state.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54No more sugar, love. You'll not get him to nap later.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Ed, I can't believe what I'm hearing!
0:11:57 > 0:12:00AS GIRAFFE: They take people's pockets to prop up their own agendas.
0:12:00 > 0:12:05Hippopotamus, don't tell me you're going to defend this?
0:12:05 > 0:12:09AS HIPPO: It may hit hard now, but we'll see it coming back to us
0:12:09 > 0:12:13in the form of increased levels of ice cream after dinner.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17AS GIRAFFE: Juice-sipping North Down liberals like Hippopotamus
0:12:17 > 0:12:19don't know what it's like in the real world.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23I'm afraid we're going to have to leave it there.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26But for any thoughts on this hot topic, follow our Twitter feed.
0:12:26 > 0:12:2840 characters or less.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Oh, look at the colour of you!
0:12:33 > 0:12:37- Here you go, Bobby, a bottle of the local wine.- Oh, lovely.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40My niece went on holiday and all I got was cirrhosis.
0:12:40 > 0:12:46# Happiness, happiness, the greatest gift that I possess... #
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Tea?
0:12:48 > 0:12:52- You should have seen the beach, Val.- Oh, stunning, wasn't it?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54He spent most of his time in the water.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58Rip tides, sea urchins, stingrays, pollution.
0:12:58 > 0:12:59I thought he'd get gills!
0:12:59 > 0:13:05- Or Hepatitis C! - Listen to your man, speaking Greece!
0:13:05 > 0:13:07- So, what were the people like? - Really nice.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10A local couple had us round for dinner.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- You're lucky she wasn't sold into the vice ring, son.- That's lovely.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16We stayed over, Brian had a few too many.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19- They could have been drug dealers. - Guess what they did?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Knock you out? Stuff you with drugs?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24- Booked to come over on Paddy's Day. - Now you're a drugs mule!
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Oh, that'll be lovely.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28That's the way these people do business, Val.
0:13:28 > 0:13:33Find out where you live, open you up, and dump your body on waste ground!
0:13:35 > 0:13:39- We're taking the caravan to Newcastle. If God spares us.- Och!
0:13:39 > 0:13:47Family last year, touring caravan, gust of wind... Wham!
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Should be good. Looking forward to it.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02You can always spot someone from here on holidays, can't you?
0:14:02 > 0:14:06We stick out like a sore thumb. And I'm one of the worst.
0:14:06 > 0:14:11Amongst all those beautiful tanned bodies, there's me.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15With my pasty white back, giving off a sheen that would blind a guide dog!
0:14:18 > 0:14:21The last time I was on a beach holiday with my missus,
0:14:21 > 0:14:25I saw her staring at a local muscley hunk.
0:14:25 > 0:14:31She wasn't staring at him, she was practically ovulating!
0:14:33 > 0:14:38Let's call him Juan. Cos I wanted to tell him, "G'wan! G'wan!"
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Juan take a run up your own arse!
0:14:49 > 0:14:53It's pretty unsettling, seeing your missus drooling at a Juan.
0:14:53 > 0:14:59And then I noticed something really funny. He was wearing a Speedo.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04But it wasn't his Speedos that was funny.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06It was the, um...
0:15:08 > 0:15:11..tiny ray of hope...
0:15:13 > 0:15:19..nestled in his...budgie smugglers.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20LAUGHTER
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Now, I don't want to spell this out.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27I'm not going to spell it out. But you know a flump, right?
0:15:27 > 0:15:31Not one of those in the packet, I'm talking about a 10p-mix flump here!
0:15:31 > 0:15:34I don't want to be unnecessarily harsh on Juan.
0:15:34 > 0:15:39He'd just got out of the water, but you know a monkey nut, right?
0:15:39 > 0:15:44You know an AAA battery? You know a baby's foot, you know their big toe?
0:15:44 > 0:15:48You know when you steal someone's nose? "I've got your nose!"
0:15:48 > 0:15:50A cotton bud. A duckling's head.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52The black key of a piano tie.
0:15:52 > 0:15:57You know whenever a petite woman sticks her thumb through a hedge...?
0:15:59 > 0:16:01You know whenever your missus
0:16:01 > 0:16:05sees you staring at another man's crotch for a long period of time?
0:16:05 > 0:16:09You know when she says, "What are you doin'?"
0:16:10 > 0:16:16And you answer with the only thing that you can think of. "Juan-nil!"
0:16:17 > 0:16:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:22 > 0:16:28- Get in the bin.- The bin's no place for a pair of balls to be!
0:16:30 > 0:16:32You like that, don't you?!
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Barry?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37My office! Now!
0:16:39 > 0:16:42I just don't understand it.
0:16:42 > 0:16:47- You've always been the grey man in the office.- I know, sir.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51Like walking wallpaper. And loos.
0:16:56 > 0:17:02And now, from out of nowhere, you challenge ME with a bin on the head?
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- Who the hell are you? - I'm the Arse Goblin.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08The Balls Fairy's at the dentist.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Who am I indeed?
0:17:10 > 0:17:13There was a time that I could have just punched you to the ground
0:17:13 > 0:17:15and we'd call it quits.
0:17:15 > 0:17:20I'm here cos you need to get your arse in gear. Unless you'd prefer the Muff Gruffler?
0:17:20 > 0:17:23But a move like that would be exactly what they want me to do.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27- What does that even mean? - It means, boy,
0:17:27 > 0:17:30that I consider you a pawn.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32A patsy.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35The Lee Harvey Oswald of office pranks.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39- Think fast or your arse is heading for the sack.- Leave my arse alone!
0:17:39 > 0:17:44Now...nobody said anything about your tushy.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- I didn't, um...- Whoa! Don't arse it up.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51Dammit! Always leave the door open!
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Now I can't accuse you of anything.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55I just want to keep my job, sir.
0:17:55 > 0:18:00You've got me over a barrel, boy. Get out!
0:18:00 > 0:18:02God, I hate you!
0:18:03 > 0:18:06But I admire your balls.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10- Until next time. And watch your arse.- Nice one, Arse Goblin.
0:18:11 > 0:18:17There's no need for cruel names! You've already won!
0:18:20 > 0:18:25Do I fancy a pint with Julie? You bet your sweet balls I do!
0:18:25 > 0:18:29- Want to go for a dance? - I'm sorry, I'm not much of a dancer.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33Great balls of fire, son! Have I taught you nothing?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Balls to it!
0:18:37 > 0:18:41My boy Zachary's psychiatrist has suggested he needs a hobby.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45So he's decided to take up ice hockey.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Good news for his anger issues,
0:18:47 > 0:18:51but the cost could put the freeze on our caravanning holiday.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54So I've decided to blow up the family home.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57All it takes is a scented candle in the music room
0:18:57 > 0:19:00and some carelessness with the stove.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Then sit back and wait for the insurance payout.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06GAS HISSES
0:19:10 > 0:19:14My wife Caroline's got the front door keys. The back door's locked.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19And I can't seem to stop this gas flow!
0:19:24 > 0:19:25You do the math.
0:19:27 > 0:19:28EXPLOSION
0:19:31 > 0:19:34What are you doing eating sandwiches? This isn't a picnic!
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Get out there and work the room.
0:19:47 > 0:19:52I just think he would have loved this. It was such a lovely funeral.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57I was just saying to David what a lovely funeral it was, Mr Everest.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59And so unusual.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02I've never seen a cardboard coffin before.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Yeah. Shame it rained.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09Indeed. Listen, I hope you don't mind me asking,
0:20:09 > 0:20:13but were either of you two made beneficiaries in old Joe's will?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16- No.- No. I'm afraid not.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20In that case, would you be interested in a big cash prize?
0:20:20 > 0:20:24Kitchen appliances, spa weekend, ash-scattering trip to Fiji.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27You can have all of these wonderful things for just £1!
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Sorry. I think I've won a holiday.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35A winner already! We're just giving it away!
0:20:38 > 0:20:42Three urns. You need three urns and a wreath for a holiday.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46But you have won a copy of Morning Horn!
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Attention, everyone. We have a winner!
0:20:50 > 0:20:54Give him a big round! Lots of prizes up for grabs,
0:20:54 > 0:20:56bereave it or not!
0:21:00 > 0:21:05Have you ever gone into a public toilet cubicle, right,
0:21:05 > 0:21:08and someone goes into the cubicle right next door
0:21:08 > 0:21:10at the exact same time?
0:21:10 > 0:21:13It's pretty awkward.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17You go in, you get yourself ready, you sit down...
0:21:17 > 0:21:21and then it's like you're both in a race that neither of you started.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25You're sitting there and it's all going well,
0:21:25 > 0:21:26as well as can be expected.
0:21:26 > 0:21:32All of a sudden, the lights go out because of the automatic sensor lights.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35You know, the ones that switch off whenever there's no movement?
0:21:35 > 0:21:40Well, apparently, bowel movement doesn't seem to trigger them!
0:21:40 > 0:21:44You're in there, taking your time and all of a sudden, total darkness!
0:21:44 > 0:21:47It's like a surprise party in reverse!
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Only you've arrived with your trousers down.
0:21:50 > 0:21:55The guy next to you, who you're racing against, he screams.
0:21:55 > 0:22:00You panic and start waving your hand, trying to trigger the thing
0:22:00 > 0:22:05but you trigger the automatic flush behind you! It goes off...
0:22:05 > 0:22:10Why is there an automatic flush in the first place?! What's wrong with a chain or a handle?
0:22:10 > 0:22:12It can't be anything to do with hygiene
0:22:12 > 0:22:16cos you end up touching everything in the cubicle looking for the sensor.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19You eventually find the sensor
0:22:19 > 0:22:22and you don't know what to make of it! You just stand there,
0:22:22 > 0:22:28staring at it, like a gorilla's just seen its reflection for the very first time.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31You poke at it, you prod at it, you try to enter your pin number.
0:22:31 > 0:22:36The guy beside you's lost it completely.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39He's trying to whisper his mother's maiden name into it
0:22:39 > 0:22:41in case it needs a password!
0:22:41 > 0:22:47You burst out of the cubicle at the exact same time as your opponent and the lights come on!
0:22:47 > 0:22:51You want to give him a hug and tell him everything's going to be OK!
0:22:51 > 0:22:54But you can't! You don't want to be seen hugging
0:22:54 > 0:22:58a complete stranger in a public toilet! Again!
0:22:58 > 0:23:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:03 > 0:23:06# O Danny boy, O Danny boy
0:23:06 > 0:23:13# I love you so-o. #
0:23:17 > 0:23:22Excuse me! I have question about your Londonderry-stroke-Derry Air.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- Right.- It is not homosexual singer
0:23:29 > 0:23:32loving his Danny Boy that I question.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36- I am liberal tourist. - Hold on a minute...
0:23:36 > 0:23:39But you cannot sing of homosexual love for Danny Boy,
0:23:39 > 0:23:43- then go from Glen to Glen and down mountain side.- Slut!
0:23:43 > 0:23:49Easy, dear. Who are these Glens? Are they homosexual?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51This is turning into orgy.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Crack-fuelled orgy!
0:23:53 > 0:23:55My lady is right.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58You sing of pipes calling Danny Boy.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02There is only one type of pipe that could really, really call
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- to man in love rectangle with some Glens.- Crack pipe!
0:24:05 > 0:24:09Yes. Ulster people love that crack.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Crack dependency plus crazy singer
0:24:14 > 0:24:18and romance with at least two Glens does not add up to love life.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21It adds up to short life span.
0:24:22 > 0:24:27Perhaps that is why the word stroke is in Derry-stroke-Londonderry.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30It is lilting melody,
0:24:30 > 0:24:35but your Londonderry-stroke-Derry Air is clearly bollocks!
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Bollocks!
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Now moving on, if this is good for you,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44then why is my poo black this morning?
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Ah. The master bedroom.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56A place to unwind and prepare for morning.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59For sanctuary.
0:24:59 > 0:25:04To lick the wounds of a tricky day and top up the old energy levels.
0:25:04 > 0:25:10With the 21-year-old wife of a golf pro. And her lardy but lithe friend.
0:25:10 > 0:25:16And a furious, but nonetheless very lovely Noel Thompson.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23And Winnie Mandela.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25And a golf pro.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30And big Jackie Fullerton.
0:25:32 > 0:25:40Yes. This master bedroom really is just the ticket for a jimjam party.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Marvellous.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Here I am with my old friend Nipsy going for a wee wander
0:25:52 > 0:25:55to meet some of our friends.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Welcome back to A Wander Wi' Willie!
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Here they are.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10What lovely hairdos.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14Aye, Willie, this is the world's first hairdresser quartet.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16I put them together myself.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Would you like to hear a song?
0:26:18 > 0:26:22I sure would! I've always wanted to fiddle wi' a male chorus!
0:26:23 > 0:26:26All right, fellas!
0:26:26 > 0:26:30OUT OF TUNE DRONING
0:26:36 > 0:26:38THEY FALL SILENT
0:26:43 > 0:26:45All right, fellas!
0:26:45 > 0:26:48THEY SING IN UNISON AND IN KEY
0:26:59 > 0:27:02# Hello, loneliness
0:27:02 > 0:27:05# I think I'm going to cry
0:27:05 > 0:27:08# Bye-bye love
0:27:08 > 0:27:12# Bye-bye sweet caress
0:27:12 > 0:27:15# Hello emptiness
0:27:15 > 0:27:17# I feel like I could die
0:27:17 > 0:27:20# Bye-bye love
0:27:20 > 0:27:23# Bye-bye sweet caress
0:27:23 > 0:27:27# Hello emptiness
0:27:27 > 0:27:31# I feel like I could die! #
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Well, there you have it.
0:27:35 > 0:27:40I'm away to meet a man in Lisnaskea who lost his thumb fiddling with another man's wife.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52Thanks very much, everybody! My name's been Diarmuid Corr!
0:27:52 > 0:27:54You've been fantastic! Good night!
0:27:58 > 0:27:59Bear!
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Live, Willie! Live!
0:28:02 > 0:28:04HE SOBS
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Hiya!
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Where did it all go wrong, George?!
0:28:09 > 0:28:15No-o-o-o-o...
0:28:29 > 0:28:32Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:32 > 0:28:35E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk